Original subtitles

Excuse me.

What?

Are you going to be much longer?

Well I've booked in for the next hour.

Yes, I realise that.

It's just we're rather anxious to sweep the pool

and I wondered if you wouldn't mind sitting out on the other side for a while.

Shouldn't take more than about 40 minutes, but it is rather important.

Well, I...

Laura will get you a chair.

You could probably do with a rest, anyway.

Ooh, is this his towel?

I think so, Mr. Brittas.

My goodness it's manky.

Would you mind if we lent you another towel?

Sorry?

Burn it, will you Colin.

Nothing to pay, sir. All part of the service.

How's it going, Linda?

I'm, I'm not sure I'll manage a third coat, Mr. Brittas.

Not to worry, looking superb.

Bit of polish on the legs if you'get a moment.

Uh, right.

Well, ladies and gentlemen.

We just completed our tour of inspection

and I must say if I was a Southern Area's Inspector,

I'd be pretty impressed. Wouldn't you, Laura.

Indeed, yes, Mr. Brittas.

The only problem areas,

and perhaps we can steer our man away from them,

are the basement toilets,

the dustbins and Colin.

It's only an ear infection, Mr. Brittas.

Don't get me wrong, Laura,

Colin is a first rate member of the team

and I won't hear a word said against him,

but I think you'll agree if you've not met him before,

it is rather unsettling,

talking to a man who has what appears to be

mint jelly oozing out of his ears.

Now, a few words about what I think this inspector's going to be looking for.

Top of his list, I suspect, is notice boards.

A tidy notice board does more than let Joe Public know what is on offer.

Much more! It is the window to the soul of The Centre.

So, let's make sure they all have matching drawing pins

and they're all hung vertically

and not at that slight angle that can be ooh so irritating.

Gavin?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

I'm wondering why he's coming now.

Pardon?

This inspector. I thought they only came every three years.

And we've only been open six months.

Yeah.

Linda, I don't think it's for us to question

the workings of the Southern Area Inspectorate.

We just have to be ready to show what we can do.

Well, do we know if it's the same man that went to Bedford last week?

What?

Only, we have a friend who works there

and he said that they had an inspector in and he was

well, really vicious.

Well, Tim, Bedford did have quite a reputation.

Well our friend said he just tore the place apart.

What happened to the manager?

I'm quite sure that our inspector will a perfectly reasonable man.

We just have to carry on as normal

Mr. Brittas.

What is it, Colin?

It's the gym, Mr. Brittas.

You'd better come quickly.

It's a pigeon, Mr. Brittas.

Yes, Colin.

It just keeps flying around

and then every few seconds...

There, look, it's done it again.

I tried creeping up on it,

but they've got eyes like hawks, pigeons.

Well, more like pigeons, really I suppose but...

What I want to know, Colin,

is who was stupid enough to let it in here in the first place.

I think it was to get rid of the flies, Mr. Brittas.

Flies?

It's the hot weather you see, Mr. Brittas.

I noticed the other day there were rather a lot of bluebottles in and around my locker.

You brought a pigeon in to eat flies?

It worked very well, Mr. Brittas.

It ate them all.

That's why it moved in here.

What's wrong with fly spray?

Good old fashioned insecticide.

Well, the pigeon is more environmentally friendly in my book, Mr. Brittas.

Call that environmentally friendly do you, Colin?

Sorry. Seems to have it in for you, doesn't it?

Can't we open a window or something, let it fly away?

They're all sealed Mr. Brittas.

Well I want it out of here before the inspector arrives.

I thought perhaps we could put an imitation pigeon on the ground

and that one might come down and mate with it.

That's ducks, Colin.

You could do what poachers do to catch pheasants.

What?

Poachers get corn, soak it in alcohol

and then they eat it.

How does that help them catch pheasants?

The pheasants eat the corn, Colin, not the poachers.

Then they fall off the branch and you just pick them up off the ground.

Right, Laura. We'll try that then.

Ah, that's for Ben, is it Carole?

Yes, it's rather nice, isn't it?

He can see it from there, can he?

Oh no no no.

He's safely tucked up in his little drawer,

but I think he likes the sound.

Yes.

Carole, are you sure it's wise

to keep him shut up like that all day, are you?

Oh yes, Mrs. Brittas.

I, I used to leave it open a little crack

but he just tried to get out.

So now you keep it closed?

Well, he doesn't seem to mind. He's very quiet.

Yes, most animals go quiet in the dark, Carole.

That's when they put covers over parrots.

But, but I think if you want him to develop normally,

he ought to have space and light.

You think so?

Oh yes. Yes I do. I mean, I could be wrong.

Ah, there you are, my darling. With you in a minute.

Sometimes wish I had a little drawer I could crawl into.

Right, Colin, that's clear is it?

Yes, Mr. Brittas, just, um,

where do I buy drugged corn?

Just buy some ordinary corn, Colin, and mix it with say,

half a bottle of vodka, alright?

Don't forget the receipt.

Now then, my love.

Yes yes, I got your message, Gordon.

Is anything wrong?

No, no nothing at all.

No, no, no, no, no.

I just wanted to give you this.

Happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you.

Yes yes, I thought I'd had my birthday present, Gordon.

Kitchen scissors.

They were just a token, my love, in case the real thing didn't arrive.

Here.

[paper rustles]

Gordon.

The other end's out in the car park.

Go on, have a look. I've just got to change me jacket.

Oh, Gordon.

Excuse me, what are you doing?

This is my car.

I'm sorry, I -- I'm sorry.

Well, what do you think?

It's a moped.

You were always saying how much you hated having to ask for the car

and booking it out on the kitchen chart.

Well never again, my lovely.

No! -125 miles to the gallon

and you can do all your own servicing.

Well?

I don't know what to say, Gordon.

There's nothing to say, my lovely. Just enjoy it.

Want to try it now?

Oh, I haven't got a helmet.

I think it's illegal without a helmet, isn't it?

Da-da.

Right, away you go.

Just turn the pedals and let go of the little lever.

Simple as one two three.

Atta girl!

Come on, put a bit of weight into it.

Did I tell her about turning on the petrol?

I've got the figures you asked for, Mr. Brittas.

Ah, thank you, Julie.

This is what the inspector wants to know, is it?

How many people come to The Centre every day,

that sort of thing?

Yes.

Depressing, isn't it?

The question we have to ask though Julie, is do we have to show them like this?

How d'you mean?

I mean, totalling attendances for each day

does rather emphasise occasional nought, doesn't it?

Couldn't we show them weekly or even monthly?

You could show them annually, Mr. Brittas,

and you'd still barely make it to double figures.

Numbers aren't everything in this game, Julie.

I'm sure our inspector will be able to look behind the numbers

to see the real heart and soul of the place.

Yeah.

Um, I looked him up.

It is the one they had at Bedford.

It's no good Mr. Brittas.

It won't eat the corn.

What?

It just doesn't seem to be hungry.

I think it's all those flies it ate.

and it's still...

I mean everywhere.

Alright, alright, Colin. We'll just have to think of something else.

Tim and Gavin have had an idea.

Oh yes? -Well, it was Gavin's idea really.

Yeah, well, you know the trouble they had with sparrows

at the great exhibition in 1851?

Not intimately, Gavin, no.

They asked the Duke of Wellington how to get rid of the birds

and he said, "Hawks."

Hawks?

You know, bigger birds.

Gavin, that is without doubt the stupidest idea I think,

where are we going to find a hawk from?

Well, that's the other thing.

I have a friend who breeds eagles for Arabs.

And you think he'd lend us one?

Oh I think if Timmy asked him, he'd do anything.

Alright, Colin, we'll go for it.

Lovely, Carole.

Gosh, you were caught in the storm, weren't you Mrs. Brittas?

Yes, yes I was.

Laura, do you think you could give this to my husband for me?

I'm sure he won't be long if you want to see him yourself.

No, no, no, it's alright. It's just to say I'm taking the car.

I'm going away for a few days.

Ahh, where are you off to?

I'm not sure.

I just thought I'd better tell him.

He doesn't know?

Well he will when he reads this, that's why I've written him a letter.

Is everything alright?

Yes, yes, it's fine.

It's my birthday

and Gordon bought me a moped.

A what?

A moped.

He said for ages he was going to buy me some sort of transport of my own

and today he gave it to me

and it was a moped.

Oh dear.

And these big trousers with it, and a plastic coat and this helmet.

"Hi, I'm Helen."

He thought it would help me to meet people in the traffic.

He called it "spreading sunshine".

Helen, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm.

No, no he never does.

It's just, it's just it came on top of everything else

and I, I just don't want it to happen again.

You're leaving him, aren't you??

No, no, I just,

I just wanted to find my own space and it...

Oh, just give him the letter will you, Laura?

Yes of course, yes.

Thanks. Bye.

It's still doing it.

How can you get that much out of one bird?

I'll get on with it, shall I?

We'd be extremely grateful, Mr. Wilmot.

It's not just the health hazard, you understand?

We have an important visitor due here shortly.

That's it, here we go.

This is Titan, is it?

That's right.

He's big, isn't he?

Just stand back, please.

Ho, Titan.

His eyesight's not up to much, is it?

The pigeon's up there.

I don't understand it.

I think he's eating the corn, Mr. Wilmot.

What are you talking about, Colin?

The drugged corn you made us put down for the pigeon, Mr. Brittas.

That eagle's eating it.

Drugged corn?

Titan!

How much of the corn did it eat, Colin?

All of it, Mr. Brittas.

I don't think there's too much to worry about, Gilbert.

A little drop of alcohol's not going to harm a bird that size, eh?

Still tidying up, Carole?

More rearranging, really.

It was Mrs. Brittas' idea.

She said little Ben needed more space and light.

Oh good.

So I've put him in a bigger drawer.

And I fixed a light bulb

and I've cut out lots of little pictures from a magazine, for him to look at.

Well, be careful won't you?

Why?

Light bulb in a confined space, gets very warm.

Can it?

Small box and a 100w bulb...

That's how my mum used to cook the turkey.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre, how may I help you?

The name's Kitson.

I'm here to see the manager.

Oh, if you'll excuse me I shall be right back,

but I have to go and get some cold water.

You bloody murderer!

It was a simple accident, Gilbert.

I quite understand you're upset

but that's no excuse for attacking me or my staff

with a dead eagle.

Do you know how long it took me to train that bird?

With respect, you could have trained it a little better

to do what it was supposed to do instead of make a beeline for the corn.

I swear I'll kill him.

Colin, get him outside, will you?

My name's Kitson.

I believe I'm expected.

Kitson...

Mr. Kitson!

Mr. Kitson, come in, Mr. Kitson, come in.

Welcome to our leisure centre. Gordon Brittas, manager.

You've got blood all over your hand.

Yes, yes indeed I have.

Perhaps you'd like to meet some of the staff here.

This is Timothy, one of our foot soldiers, but a good man, nonetheless.

And this is Linda, one of our keenest, liveliest members of staff.

Timothy, I'd take her through to the restroom if I were you.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Now, who else can you meet Mr. Kitson?

You're having some sort of problem, are you?

Problem? No, no, no, no.

Just a pigeon loose in the gymnasium, that's all.

Ahem, I think we'll revert to the original plan, Colin.

What was that, Mr. Brittas?

Get the cat, Gavin.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Now, Mr. Kitson, what would you like to do first?

Well, I usually start with a tour of the building.

Excellent idea.

Why don't we pop through to the restaurant, pick up a soft drink, and then you...

Shouldn't you be getting changed?

Quite right, yes.

If you'd like to wait here.

I can show him round, Mr. Brittas.

Colin?

We'll begin with the basement toilets

and work our way up.

Colin.

Come in.

I hear the inspector's just arrived.

Yes, Colin's showing him round. -Really!?

I'd have done it myself but I had to get changed.

Oh. Not a good start then?

I don't think it would've made any difference, Laura.

The numbers.

That's all that counts these days.

If you don't have the numbers... And we don't, do we?

Mr. Brittas, it may not be as bad as you think.

Come on, Laura, you and I both know the score.

That man's here to do a hatchet job.

By next Monday, it'll be someone else behind this desk.

I've said I thought it should be you.

Me?

You've recommended me?

I don't want some stranger taking over our staff, and upsetting them, Laura.

They're a team, forged and bonded over the months.

Welded into a unit.

Look after them for me, will you?

I'm so sorry.

This must be a terrible time for you.

Don't worry about me, Laura.

I'll be alright.

Yes, of course.

After all, when Kitson's done his butcher's work

at least I can go home, can't I?

To three beautiful children, a loving wife.

Oh yes, that reminds me.

One day, Laura, if you ever get married yourself,

and I don't think it's too late, even for you,

you'll realise exactly how important that is.

A loving wife, a happy home.

I've got a letter for you. It's from your wife.

I gave her a moped today.

Brittas.

Well Colin, if Mr. Kitson wants to see the figures,

you'd better show him up.

I'll be waiting.

Do you want one, Laura? -One of what?

One of these forms the inspector gave us.

"If you have any criticisms of the way The Centre is run,

please list them below."

I've done four pages so far.

You'd better take one before we run out.

I don't think I'll bother, Tim.

Mr. Kitson said it's all completely confidential.

Mr. Brittas will never know what you said.

Oh, come on Laura.

It's our one chance to get rid of him.

There's no need, Julie.

What?

He's already going.

Brittas is leaving?

He doesn't have a great deal of choice, Tim.

Ask Julie, she typed up the attendance figures.

I still think we should fill these in though

to be on the safe side.

He's going to be fired, Julie.

He knows it himself. He's just told me.

How's he taking it?

How do you think, Gavin?

I mean, whatever else we may say about him

he cares about this centre and now he's lost it.

And on top of that,

well I probably shouldn't say it, but you'll know tomorrow anyway,

his wife is leaving him.

Really?

And when a man loses his job and his wife on the same day,

writing a detailed criticism on his management style seems...

I don't know.

It seems a bit unnecessary.

Rather disappointing figures here.

Yes, yes they are, aren't they?

I mean, you run a lot of excellent activities

but nobody seems to come to them.

Is there a reason for that, do you think?

Well, personally, I put most of it down to apathy.

Yes?

Only last month I set up a brand new course

to help the overweight come to terms with their self image.

First week we have a light hearted session with a measuring tape,

second week no one bothers to turn up.

Very discouraging, Mr. Kitson.

And what are the staff like?

How would you describe them?

First class.

You could not ask for a better crowd.

Dedicated, loyal, keen, professional.

It's no good, Mr. Brittas.

Colin? -Sorry, Mr Brittas.

It's just, it's worse than ever.

The pigeon? -No, no, the pigeon's gone.

The cat ate it.

The trouble is, it doesn't want to come down.

The cat?

It's just sitting up there, washing its whiskers.

I think it's waiting for another pigeon.

Let's just leave it there, shall we Colin?

I don't think that's wise, Mr. Brittas.

You see the cat's got the same problem that the pigeon had.

Except, well, it's bigger

and it's just eaten a pigeon.

It's doing it in heaps.

Colin.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

I have to take Mr. Kitson down to the lecture hall to talk to the staff now.

I'm afraid you'll just have to sort this one out on your own.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Mr. Kitson, the Southern Area's Inspector

who's been visiting our centre today

and is going to...

Mr. Kitson.

Thank you.

Where do I begin?

When I arrived here this afternoon,

it was to find your manager

dealing with something of a crisis.

A pigeon -- in the gymnasium.

And when it was clear that his first attempts to solve the problem had failed,

he turned to his deputy and said,

and I made a note of his exact comments,

"Get the cat, Gavin."

That is the sort of man you have in charge of this centre.

This is the sort of man that the County are relying on

to bring people into the world of sport.

Earlier this year, I sent out a questionnaire

to all leisure centre managers in the South of England.

This man was the only one to answer all three and a half thousand questions.

And, I may add, staple an extra 25 typewritten sheets

in the place where I'd asked for an additional comments.

I was, as you will readily understand --

impressed.

And I noticed some meticulous attention to detail

throughout The Centre,

from the receptionist with her,

"How can I help you?"

in spite of her own problems,

to the standard of cleanliness.

You'd hardly know the public had been in here at all.

And of course,

most important of all, as I always say,

the notice boards.

Does he remind you of anyone?

And how nice it was to see from the forms I gave out earlier,

that you, the team, agree with me.

I knew we shouldn't have redone those forms.

So often staff use these as an excuse to abuse the management.

How refreshing to see phrases like

"We would miss him if he went",

"Wish him well",

"Sorry to see him go."

Well, one day he will go.

You can't expect high flyers like Gordon

to stay in one place forever.

But happily, that day is not yet.

Aren't you worried about the numbers? -Numbers?

Well, nobody ever comes here.

And you are?

Julie.

Well, Julie,

you'll probably learn as you grow older,

as I myself have learnt,

that numbers aren't everything in this game.

I remember in the days when I ran my own centre

that we didn't always have

huge attendance figures.

But we had something else.

Something far more important.

We had a dream, Julie.

A dream...

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,

but you're going to have to come.

What is it, Colin? -It's the dog.

Dog?

I borrowed this dog

to try and frighten the cat down from the ledge,

but I didn't know it had vertigo.

It won't come down.

What are you talking about, Colin?

And it's terrified, it's...

Well, it's doing it all down the wall, and everywhere, Mr. Brittas.

Sounds like you have a problem, Gordon.

I'm sorry, Brian, but if you'll excuse me, I'd better deal with this one.

You see, decisive.

I wonder if I might join you on this one, Gordon,

just to throw a few ideas in the melting pot.

Not at all, Bri.

Glad to have your advice.

Good. I wonder, for instance,

if anyone has considered the possibility

of borrowing a goat?

Hello, darling. -Oh, Gordon.

Just thought I'd get back to wave you off.

Oh, I see you're taking the barometer.

I thought it might be useful.

You don't mind?

No, no, not at all.

It was yours anyway, wasn't it?

I meant about me going away.

Of course not, darling.

Little holiday, do you the world of good.

Anything else I can bring out for you?

No, no, I think that's everything.

You certainly seem prepared, for all eventualities, my love.

Got all your records, I see.

Yes.

Well, I'd better be going, Gordon.

The children are with mother, they'll send you a card.

Look forward to that.

Now, just you drive carefully.

There's something very special to me in this car, you know.

Where?

I'm talking about you, my love.

Right.

And it's days like today

when one has a little brush with the angel of unemployment

that one realises it.

Why, what happened today?

We had a visit, the area inspector.

Oh, God.

You mean you've lost your job?

You've been given...

No, nothing happened.

Nothing?

It was extraordinary.

There was I, expecting the usual bureaucrat

interested only in numbers, but he wasn't like that.

He was, he was a human being.

Really?

Charming man.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that

that's why over the last couple of weeks

I may have been a bit difficult.

Well, I...

And I wanted to tell you that without you,

without someone warm and encouraging to come home to,

I don't think I could have managed.

Something for the journey.

"The Best of Neil Sedaka Today."

I've marked number two,

"Love will keep us together."

Come on then. Off you go.

Right!

Have a good time.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,

I don't know why she swallowed the fly,

perhaps she'll die.

Why didn't you tell me?

What?

That they were sending an Inspector, you never said.

I didn't want to upset you.

Upset me?

I thought you might be worried about having no home,

no money, going bankrupt.

But you were worried?

Yes, yes I was.

I'll tell you something, Helen.

When they said there was an inspector coming round

I thought, "That's it, Gordon.

The dream is over. You're all washed up.

But you never said.

You shouldn't have, you know?

What?

Worried.

You have a way of surviving things, Gordon.

I mean, look at Aldershot.

Ha ha, Aldershot.

Three and a half million pounds worth of damage

and you come out of it with a promotion, and a medal for bravery.

Someone had to dig them out, my darling.

We had a good team at Aldershot.

Come on, Gordon.

What?

I'm taking you upstairs.

I think it might be good for both of us.

But what about your little holiday?

If you want to avoid the traffic...

Just don't say anything, Gordon.

Don't say anything at all.

Right.