Original subtitles

All set for the meeting, Carole?

Yes thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Feeling better this morning I hope?

Yes. -Good.

You still haven't told him then?

What? Oh, hello Laura. No.

You've got to face up to it sometime, Carole.

I mean morning sickness, maternity clothes

even Brittas will notice one day.

I know. I just want to catch him in the right mood.

I don't know what you're so afraid of.

You're not the first unmarried mother, Carole.

He'll understand.

Look, come on.

Let's try and catch him before the meeting starts.

Alright, sorry, just one more...

So the reason I closed The Centre again this morning...

Come on, Carole, there's a place up here

is I wanted an opportunity to share with you

my thoughts about this new timetable.

What was wrong with the old one?

It's not all changed, Gavin

just the late night session.

The main difference is that from now on,

male staff will not be working with female staff

and where possible, single women will be chaperoned by a married colleague.

There's a reason for all this is there, Mr. Brittas?

The reason, Laura, is to ensure that

no member of our staff finds themselves alone

on night duty with a person of the opposite sex.

Why not?

Let me put it in simple terms, Timothy.

The human body is a temple

and once we corrupt that temple

by not giving it proper respect

we downgrade our whole purpose in being here.

Need I say more?

I think it might be an idea.

All am saying, Laura, is the main function of this centre

is to help people maintain the temples of their bodies

and that some people have been using it for rather different purposes.

The Centre or the temples?

What?

Mr. Brittas is afraid, Julie, that members of the staff have been using

The Centre to worship in each other's temples.

And you want to make sure that people only worship

in their own temples do you Mr. Brittas?

In a sense Tim, yes.

It doesn't sound very healthy to me.

Look, can we just agree that from now on

no female member of staff will be unaccompanied

or unchaperoned in The Centre after dark?

Yeah. -Yes.

Mr. Brittas. -Yes. -What about me?

What about you, Carole?

According to this, I'm still on my own in reception.

No, Carole, it's alright. I wasn't including you in any of this.

Huh?

Obviously, whatever hanky panky is going on

will be the younger, more attractive women.

So nothing for you to worry about. Happy now?

Yes thank you, Mr. Brittas.

You're quite sure hanky panky is going on, are you Mr. Brittas?

Quite sure, Laura.

As you know, yesterday evening I went out to a meeting.

This morning, when I got to my office

I found these stuffed down the back of the sofa.

Now, I wonder can anyone tell me who these belong to?

You could try them on.

Pardon?

You could take them round to each member of staff,

in turn, and see who they fitted.

And whoever it was will get to marry the Prince.

Laura, I think this is rather more serious than some of you people realise.

If this sort of thing gets out and our centre

becomes known as a...

A knocking shop.

Possibly, Colin, possibly.

We stand to lose our most valuable customers, -- the families.

And if the families don't come,

children will not grow up with a habit of attending their local leisure centre.

And in 20 or 30 years time, we'll find we haven't got any customers at all.

30 years! We'd better move fast hadn't we?

I think we can do without your contributions, Julie.

And I'll tell you something else,

your little performance on Saturday didn't help matters.

What did she do? -Nothing.

I just jumped in the river to rescue a dog.

With no clothes on.

It was a brand new dress, I wasn't gonna ruin it.

It was boat race Saturday Julie. Half the reporters in the land were there.

Honestly, headlines like, "Gym girl in topless drama"

do not help raise the tone of The Centre, do they?

I've had newspapers ringing up all morning.

I think Mr. Brittas is right.

What?

About separating men and women at night.

I think it's a good idea.

That's when things happen, at night.

Yes. Well, thank you Colin.

That's when people get carried away.

Yes indeed. The important thing is...

They start talking to someone just to be friendly,

they find they have a lot of shared interests.

As the evening goes on they get closer and closer.

Yes, indeed, Colin...

They have a few drinks

because it's her birthday, perhaps.

They stretch out on a gym mat, just to relax.

And before you know it, the Court's ordering him

to pay £14.70 a month maintenance for the next 16 years.

For example.

Yes, thank you.

All I'm saying is what you do in your own homes is your business.

But when it comes to working in The Centre

I insist on a standard of moral integrity and traditional family values.

Is that understood?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Right. Let's get back to work.

Now, Carole,

Laura says you wanted to talk to me about something.

No, no, I just wanted to say

how happy I am working here.

That's the spirit Carole. Well done.

Have you got a moment, Julie?

Yeah, sure.

Carole's got a bit of a problem.

If you're wondering whether to tell Brittas

you're pregnant again, my advice is do it another day.

No, no, no, no, we'd already decided that.

No. Carole was hoping

you might help her find out who its father is?

You mean you don't know who it is?

Well she knows is that it happened at New Year's Eve, at your party.

Oh, the fancy dress?

At about 10 o'clock.

She went up into the room where people were leaving their coats.

Sorry, Julie, I just wanted a little lie down.

I switched the light off.

And she fell asleep.

We don't have any beds at our house, you see, since the bailiffs came.

And my tiger costume was so warm.

That's when it happened.

While you were asleep?

It was all my fault.

I'd been dreaming I was a tiger, trying to save the tropical rainforests,

and I suddenly woke up

and gave this incredible roar.

That's when he came in.

It was dark, he roared back.

And you don't know who it was?

Well that's the awful thing, Julie.

This wonderful man,

I've no idea who he is.

You must have noticed something about him.

Did you recognise the roar?

No, no. I already asked that.

Apparently not.

At the end he said, "Whoo".

Whoo?

Then he slapped her on the bottom,

mumbled something about meeting her downstairs, and left.

I went downstairs. I waited for hours, nobody came.

It was that tiger suit.

I knew I should've gone as a llama.

Carole, it's all right.

Julie, what we wondered

was If you could make a list of the men that were at the party,

then Carole could get in contact with them and maybe find out who it was.

Right, sure.

Oh, mind you, it's not gonna be easy.

We had over 30 gate-crashers from the rugby club.

Mr. Brittas. -What is it, Colin?

We've had another phone call.

Colin, I'll think you'll find the Palace of Westminster is open.

Sorry?

What is the point in my asking the public

to observe the basic standards of modesty, Colin,

when my staff can't even remember to button their flies?

Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

I've had to put this rather large rhubarb poultice on a boil.

I'm afraid it's burst the zip.

Don't you have a spare pair? -They're being washed, Mr. Brittas.

Unfortunately, some of the juice leaked out earlier this morning.

Colin, I don't care what happened. You can't go round like that.

You'll just have to borrow a pair of my...

Borrow a pair of Tim's or something, alright?

Thank you Mr. Brittas.

Your wife's arrived, Mr. Brittas.

Ah, thank you, Laura.

Tell her to go on up and I'll join her as soon as I can, alright?

Right.

Colin, what are you doing?

I'm holding it together, Mr. Brittas.

Well don't.

You said there was a phone call for me.

It's the press again, Mr. Brittas. They want to take a photo of Julie.

A photo? What sort of photo?

Well, they said preferably in her underwear,

climbing out of the pool or on the trampoline.

As long as they can wet her down a bit.

What sort of world do we live in, Colin?

What sor...

What sort of world is it that presumes

a decent young girl is gonna allow herself to be photographed...

Goodness me, Mr. Brittas!

What's all this for?

I knew it.

I knew something was going on

and now I know who's doing it.

Your husband says he'll be right up, Mrs. Brittas.

Is everything alright?

Yes, yes fine Laura.

It's just that I thought I left a pair of -- gloves

down the back of the settee yesterday,

but, but they're not there.

Can I get you a coffee or something?

No, no, I'm fine.

I just came in to tell Gordon they've changed our marriage guidance appointment.

Ah.

Yes. They want to make it tomorrow.

I think the first thing is to move the furniture, Colin,

and then we can work out where to drill the hole.

Hello there, darling. -Hello, Gordon.

Come on, Colin, let the dog see the rabbit.

Laura, give Colin a hand with this table, will you

and I'll move the carpet.

Gordon, could I have a word please?

I'm a bit tied up at the moment, darling.

Tell you what, why doesn't Laura take you off for a doughnut

and I'll join you as soon as I can, alright?

Is something the matter, Mr. Brittas?

Quick as you can Laura, we need to move the carpet.

All right, Colin, plug in.

Right, that's the spot just about there, Colin.

Are you sure about this?

Quite sure, Colin.

It's leisure centre property, Mr. Brittas.

How else are we gonna find out

who's using that cupboard as a love nest, Colin?

We drill the hole, you keep a watch and as soon as anyone goes in, we got 'em.

Couldn't I just keep an eye out downstairs?

And let someone come along and say,

"Excuse me, Colin. This young lady and I

would like to use the resources cupboard for immoral purposes?

Just drill the hole, Colin.

I'll go down and make sure no one sees the debris.

So I just wondered if, when you were at the party,

whether you went up to the room where the ladies' coats were?

You left yours in the hall. Thank you, Jeremy

I can take Gavin's hat, Mr. Brittas?

What?

Gavin's hat, I can give it to him if you want.

You know something about this hat, do you, Tim?

Not really, just that his name was coming off

and he asked one of the girls to sew it back on for him.

One of the girls, eh?

A quick word if I may please Tim.

Ah, could I speak to Chris, please?

I have no idea.

I just know he's a prop forward.

You say a girl sewed the name on this hat, Tim.

Now, which girl would that have been?

I don't know, could have been any of them.

I see. So he doesn't have one particular girlfriend then?

I don't think so.

More the type to play the field, is he?

You think Gavin's chasing girls?!

Believe me, Tim, the woman who had this hat

did a lot more for Gavin than sew his name back on.

You reckon?

Whatever he does in his own home, Tim, is his business.

I'm not usually one to interfere,

but when he starts doing it in my centre...

He's doing it in The Centre?

Voice down, Tim.

No need to wash our dirty linen in public, is there?

No, no, of course not.

Good man.

Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre, how can I help?

Carole, Is that really the way we greet the public?

How can you offer to help people

at the same time as being sick in a bucket?

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

I'm just a little bit...

I know what you are, Carole Parkinson.

Do you?

You're tired, that's what you are, Carole.

I can tell you're not 100%.

And I think the best thing for you to do is to go home, put yourself to bed

and stay there until whatever's making you sick has gone away.

Well I really don't think...

Go on, I insist.

What kind of employer would I be

if I let you sit there answering the phone, vomiting all day?

Go on, off you go.

Thank you Mr. Brittas.

Oh, and Carole. -Yes Mr. Brittas?

You want to rinse the bucket out first.

What exactly did he say?

What are you doing?

Sorry, I'm looking for a cupboard.

What's happening, Colin?

I have been waiting down there 10 minutes and there's still no hole.

It's the changing rooms, Mr. Brittas.

What?

I've got the girls' changing rooms.

That's very odd.

Sorry, ladies. A simple misunderstanding I'm afraid.

I'm attempting to keep someone under surveillance.

Have a nice day.

Right, Colin, let's try a few feet further along, alright?

I'll check those plans again.

What did he say?

I think he wants to keep us under surveillance.

He said that?

Natalie, are you all right?

Someone's drilling a hole in the celling over the showers.

I'm gonna get a member of staff.

I'm gonna get a broomstick.

He must have got an eyeful.

This is awful.

Who does he think he is? -Pervert.

I think I see where we went wrong, Colin.

I've got the shower area now, Mr. Brittas.

The shower area, precisely.

These plans have been reversed in the photocopier.

Just give them my apologies, will you, and explain what happened.

Hello? Is there anyone there?

So, Gavin's cupboard must be under the flat roof extension.

Woah, we won't be able to drill through that.

Come on, Colin, we'll have to think of something else.

It's going well then, is it?

The marriage guidance?

Oh, not so bad.

I turn up, we talk, they give me the pills.

Good.

It's sex tomorrow.

I'm sorry?

Sex, that's what we're supposed to be talking about

at Marriage Guidance tomorrow.

Oh right.

Can't say I'm looking forward to it.

Gordon's going to say something about the temple of the body, I know it.

He was talking about that this morning.

What, to you?

To the whole staff.

Oh God, why?

Well he thinks something's been going on.

He found... Well he found some underwear

down on the back of the sofa in his office.

Oh no! Oh God, Laura.

I don't know what to say.

Really, Mrs. Brittas, it's none of my business.

What must you think of me? I mean...

I know I shouldn't have done it but you just...

Remember Michael?

Well yes, of course.

I thought that was all off.

It was, it was.

I had sworn I'd never seen him again,

but then he turned up to this game of squash last night.

Gordon was away and...

oh, God I'm such a fool.

These things happen.

I swore I'd never see him again.

Especially after that disaster at Julie's party.

Julie's party?

Well, I wrote him this message saying that I'd meet him in a bedroom upstairs

then in the crowd when no one was looking I slipped it into his pocket.

He ignored it of course. He's got more control than I have.

You gave him a note to meet you upstairs?

Yes, I know it was silly.

No, no, no. I meant...

This note, it just said to meet you in an upstairs bedroom?

Yes but he never turned up.

I think he did.

And I think I know who he met.

In you come, Linda, this won't take long.

Colin, what are you doing?

I've put the furniture back. Mr. Brittas.

Is that my office stapler?

I'm repairing my trousers. Mr. Brittas.

I tried to borrow some like you said,

but oddly enough no one seemed to have a spare pair.

Now, if you'd just like to leave us for a moment.

My other pair are on the radiator Mr. Brittas.

I think once they're dry I'll be able to get the worst off with a wire brush.

Yes, well, thank you, Colin.

Just wait outside, will you?

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Now then, Linda, take a seat.

A rather delicate matter, I'm afraid.

Remember what I was saying this morning about moral integrity?

You mean about keeping our temples to ourselves, Mr. Brittas?

That's right, Linda, yes.

Now tell me, has Gavin ever made a pass at you?

Gavin? -Yes.

Made a pass?

Yes, you know, like a hand on the knee,

a suggestive remark, asked you to join him anywhere?

No, no he hasn't.

So you could be the next.

Linda, I want you to do something for me.

I want you to find Gavin and sit down with him

and talk to him in a friendly sort of way.

Let him talk to you and well, be friendly.

With Gavin? -That's right, yes.

And I want you to wear this instead of what you are wearing.

I'm not sure I understand, Mr. Brittas.

You don't need to understand, Linda. You leave the thinking to me.

This says Aldershot.

Yes, we're experimenting with a new logo, Linda.

That's just the style we're after, alright?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

No, not in front of me Linda.

Use Julie's office.

And give me a shout when you're ready, alright?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brittas wants me to put this on.

Why?

I don't know.

You sure he's not planning a few afternoon prayers in your temple, Linda?

He said he wants me to be friendly to Gavin.

I'm ready, Mr. Brittas.

Right, Linda, just count up to 20, will you?

You know, one two three, that sort of thing.

One, two, three.

That's perfect Linda.

All right, Linda, off you go...

Colin, have you been here all the time? -Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Well, Linda was getting changed.

I know.

You'd better come in. Off you go Linda.

Do you know what I was doing just then, Colin?

No, Mr. Brittas.

I was bugging Linda.

Were you Mr. Brittas?

You were very quick.

I have planted a bug on her, Colin.

It's sewn into that T-shirt.

It's a ruse I used very successfully in Aldershot

to root out sexism in the badminton team.

From now on, anything she says,

or more importantly, anything said by some evil-minded

young degenerate to inveigle her into his love nest,

will be heard by me, and recorded as evidence on this machine.

I see.

Get that, will you, Colin?

Right, hello?

She's going into the ladies'.

She's talking to Gillian.

It's the press again, Mr. Brittas.

Two reporters want to talk to you.

I can't see reporters now, Colin.

Tell them to wait.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Good grief, the things women talk about.

Hi Gavin.

Oh, hi.

Anything wrong?

You haven't seen Tim, have you?

Why?

It's just that, I asked him at break if he, you know,

fancied anything special for supper tonight

and he said, "How about asking one of my girlfriends?"

Goodness.

Yes, he's been really horrid to me all day.

Oh, Gavin.

Tim!

No, no, don't worry about me.

You just carry on enjoying yourself.

Oh Tim, please...

You see?

I just don't know what I've done.

Don't worry, Gavin, I'm your friend.

Oh, I know.

Thanks Linda.

Gavin, you can't do that!

I can't help it. I just feel so wound up.

For you?

No thank you... -Go on.

Well, I'd like to try it, but...

Ah, here we go.

It's not illegal you know.

Well all right. But what if Mr. Brittas catches us?

It's all right, I've got a place. Come on, I'll show you.

Got you sunshine.

Mr. Brittas.

Not now, Colin, not now.

I told you he was very busy today.

It was actually his secretary we wanted to speak to.

Ms. Porter? You mean Julie?

Just a quick word.

And possibly a photograph.

All good publicity for The Centre, eh?

Well I'll ask her.

Julie? -Yeah?

Some reporters want to talk to you.

I'll get some coffee.

You're the ones who've been ringing about a photograph?

That's right. Nothing elaborate, I just thought,

what would make a...

Okay. -Sorry?

What sort of shot would you like?

Well...

Only I thought you might like me sitting naked

behind my desk and you could give it a caption like,

"Julie, the topless type".

That's very good.

I'll go back to my office and take my clothes off now then shall I?

Right. Give us a shout when you're ready.

Of course, there is a chance I'm only joking.

It's just possible that when you come in,

I won't have taken my clothes off

and I'll be standing behind the door

waiting to drop a filing cabinet on your head

but I suppose that's a sort of risk you people have to take.

I think we'll call it a day, Terrence.

You're going?

What about your coffee?

I'm afraid your Ms. Porter was a little bashful.

And we have got rather a lot on this afternoon.

Well, maybe it's just as well.

Mr. Brittas is a little bit worried

about publicity like that, just at the moment.

Oh yes, he was saying to me just this morning

he's worried this place might get a reputation

as a late night knocking shop!

Does he?

Oh yes, that's why he got me to drill the spy holes in the floor.

Could we change our minds about that coffee?

Certainly.

All right you two, that's quite enough.

I warned you this morning. I told you that whatever you did...

Carole.

Hello, Mr. Brittas.

It's the girls' changing room, alright.

Yes, but that wasn't what he wanted, you see.

No?

Oh no, that's why he got me to drill this one over the shower area.

Oh, sweet.

Oh yes.

Can you get a picture of these with a fish eye, Terrence?

But what he was really after was this love nest, right?

That's why he bugged Linda.

What?

I think that's what he said.

He wanted to listen to her and Gavin doing it

on his tape recorder.

Can't beat a cigarette, can you?

I think we've missed that one.

You live here?

Yes.

Why didn't you tell me they'd repossessed your house?

I mean I thought this place was being used for...

Look at the book, the nightie.

What do you need a nightie like that for?

Mr. Wilson gave it to me.

Mr. Wilson, from the building society?

I usually wear -- a pullover.

What have you done with the baby?

You haven't left him in that drawer in Reception, have you, Carole?

No, no, no.

Oh my God!

He likes the drawer, Mr. Brittas. He's sort of used to it now.

You can't leave him there, Carole. You know that.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Honestly, what if the place caught fire and the pair of you were burnt to death?

I know.

I mean, as manager I'll be personally responsible.

It was selfish of me, I know, but it was just so warm

above the boiler and everything.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was afraid.

Afraid of what?

I thought you'd throw me out.

Throw you out, Carole?

What do you think I am?

Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Of course I'd throw you out.

You can't live in a cupboard.

If I'd known, I could have done something.

I wouldn't leave you on the street Carole.

No?

I'd lend you some money, I could find you a flat.

And if the worst came to the worst you could stay in my garage.

All you had to do was tell me, Carole.

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Come on.

Blow your nose and cover yourself up.

We'll get back to my office and see if we can sort something out, alright?

I sometimes feel I'm a bit of a -- burden to you, Mr. Brittas.

Carole, Carole.

But I am, aren't I?

You're not a burden to me, Carole.

The day you joined my staff you stopped being a burden.

You became part of a team.

Remember what I said about being a team?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

We're a family, Carole.

We care for each other.

People helping other people with problems.

Those aren't just words, Carole.

It's what I believe -- in here.

People helping other people.

The community caring for its lesser brethren.

You're a very kind man, Mr. Brittas.

Not really Carole, no.

It's what I've always believed in.

I've just wanted to help people.

Ever since I was a little boy

I just wanted people to be as happy as I was.

You see Carole, I've always had this dream.

He's cancelled the appointment.

Why?

He said there wasn't much point

giving marriage guidance when one partner obviously wasn't committed.

I think he'd read about you in the paper.

But didn't you tell him it was all a complete misunderstanding?

Well I did try.

He just told me I was too naive and shouldn't trust you.

But I wouldn't do anything like that.

Not with Carole, anyway.

You are the only one I'm interested in, Helen.

You know that.

Yes, yes I do.

Why do people keep jumping to conclusions just because of a photograph?

Shall we go home now, Gordon?

I don't think we missed much anyway, do you?

When?

Today's session. Sex!

I don't think there's much he could have taught us

in that department!

No?

You're too modest, my darling.

I always say there's a little bit of the animal in all of us,

but rather more of it than most in my little Helen.

You don't do you?

Na-ha.

Do you remember New Year's Eve?

What?

Julie's party?

I always knew you were a passionate little creature

but ooh...

What are you talking about, Gordon?

The tiger suit?

Our little assignation upstairs?

The little note you sneaked into my blazer pocket?

Oh God.

And you know the most exciting thing about it?

You never said a word.

Not during. Not since.

It was our little secret, wasn't it?

Just one of those magical moments.

Grr.