Original subtitles

Leisure centre, hello?

A booking?

Erm, yes.

Yes.

Yes, Mr Brittas is away.

Until next Monday.

Erm, 40 people for a badminton tournament.

Erm, this Friday.

Yes, yes!

We look forward to seeing you.

Okay. Bye.

We've got a booking. -Really?

Leisure centre, hello?

Yes, yes, until Monday.

He's on a management conference in Bulgaria.

The swimming pool for a children's party?

And it has to be this week?

Erm, how about Saturday?

I told you, word's getting round.

Morning Carole.

It's all right, it's only me.

I'm sorry Mrs Brittas, it's just... -Is Gordon upstairs?

Yes, I think so.

No, he's away. I'm his secretary, can I help?

I'll just see if the hall's free, one moment please.

Saturday morning?

No, no, I can do the afternoon though?

Right, I'll book the gym, okay, yeah, bye.

And that's definite for Wednesday is it?

Mrs Brittas?

Sorry to interrupt Laura,

it's rather serious news I'm afraid.

You're awfully busy.

Yeah, we've got a bit of a rush on.

Well the maximum for the sauna is 10.

Mr Brittas will be really pleased when he gets back.

I'm afraid not.

What?

Gordon's not coming back, that's what I came to tell you.

One moment please.

Really?

He's dead.

I thought he was in Bulgaria?

Yes, he's dead in Bulgaria.

But that's awful.

Erm, come and sit down.

Julie, I think Mrs Brittas might like a cup of tea.

I'd prefer a coffee if it's possible?

Cup of coffee, right.

And I know I shouldn't, but erm, perhaps a doughnut?

I just can't believe it, it's terrible.

Mine's all right.

Oh yes, yes, quite ghastly isn't it?

And this was yesterday?

Just after lunch.

What was he doing in a car factory? I thought it was a sports conference?

I don't think it matters much in Bulgaria. They show everyone around the car factory.

And he had a heart attack?

No, he fell over the top of a safety fence into a steel press.

You mean he was flattened?

More sort of curved, really.

They were making the offside wing of a Skoda.

They had a terrible job trying to identify him,

they'd already punched out the hole for the headlamp .

before they could stop the machine.

So how did they?

Well fortunately, the one thing left sticking out

the side of the machine was his hand, and it still had his ring on.

A man from the foreign office brought it round this morning in a jiffy bag.

It's definitely Gordon's, I recognise the misprint.

Climb every mountain, fork every stream.

How could he fall over a safety fence?

I mean, they're sure it was an accident are they?

What?

Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, yes, I know what you mean

but no, I think this time it honestly was.

Apparently he'd had a lot of the local brandy at lunch.

Oh dear.

Tom was very sweet about it.

Who?

My youngest.

Asked if they'd have to make a very wide, thin coffin.

They say the funniest things, children, don't they.

Anyway, that's the situation

and I just wanted you all to know

that County have put me in charge, with Colin as my deputy,

until a new manager can be appointed.

Carole, is that Ben I can hear?

I'm sorry Laura.

Why don't you bring him in?

Mr Brittas always said...

I don't think anyone will object?

Thank you.

Thank you Laura.

Now I know it's been a long day and you all want to get home

but there is just...

Yes Gavin?

I was just wondering if it was possible to see the body?

I shouldn't have thought so.

But he is definitely dead?

Someone's tested him have they?

With a mirror for breathing and things?

I don't know.

Well, have any vital organs been donated?

Heart, lungs?

There weren't any vital organs left to donate, Tim.

He was crushed in a steel press.

All of him?

Except for one hand, yes.

Oh.

Anything else? -No no, that sounds fine.

I think Colin just wants to say something about the funeral.

Yes.

Mrs Brittas has gone for the Wednesday, if that's all right?

Because of the children's piano lessons.

It's at 2:30.

And a party straight afterwards in the pub opposite the crematorium.

Thank you Colin.

Well, unless there's anything else?

One thing, would it be all right If I swapped hall duty with Linda

on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons? -Does Linda mind?

No that's fine.

Okay, if you could make a note of that, Julie.

Anybody got any other changes they'd like to make?

It's nice to see him getting used to the daylight, isn't it?

His colour's improved already.

Hasn't it.

And it's so much better for him being out of the drawer.

Yes sir?

I was wondering about a game of squash.

The trouble is, I'm playing somebody who has been here before.

Now, he's got the two references from registered property holders

but not the doctor's certificate.

No, no, that's perfectly all right.

Court two is free.

Oh, well in that case, just the booking slip for me

and the application form for him.

No, we don't need anything like that, not any more.

How long would you like?

I thought we were only allowed 20 minutes?

No, whatever you want.

Well erm, half an hour then?

Tell me, the man who used to... the manager?

He's dead.

In Bulgaria.

Are you sure?

I've got to fax through a copy of his certificate.

He's dead alright.

Would you mind if I made a few phone calls?

Oh of course.

A junior ticket please.

Just the one?

Yes thanks.

[inaudible chattering]

Excuse me please.

Excuse me, please.

Carole, any mail for me?

Yes of course, I'll just have look...

She was in the middle of serving me actually.

Quite right madam.

Carole, you'd better finish serving this lady first.

And let's not forget our manners, shall we?

How can I help you, and a smile.

How,

how...

All right everyone, don't panic.

Carole?

I am the manager,

if you'd just like to let me through please.

Thank you very much.

Carole?

Come on Carole.

Wake up Carole.

Erm, excuse me?

I'll be with you as soon as I can madam,

but I think the welfare of my staff has to be my first priority.

Carole, Carole?

Hello, Brittas here.

If anyone's free at the moment

could they please come to reception and give me a hand.

Hello, hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Is anyone there?

Mr Brittas? Is that you?

If anyone is there, could they please come to the intercom.

Mr Brittas, it's Colin. Can you hear me?

Colin, at last.

Where are you Mr Brittas?

I'm in reception Colin. A slight emergency.

Can you help?

In reception? -I have Carole's body out here.

You've got Carole's body?

That's what I said Colin. It just collapsed on me.

If you could just come and give me a hand please?

I'd better put some clothes on first, Mr Brittas.

Well hurry up, will you?

Right, if someone could help me get her on a chair please?

Colin? Are you alright, Colin?

Tim?

You look as if you've seen a ghost.

You'll never believe what's just happened.

Thank you, right.

We take her head and push it down between her knees.

Excuse me?

I'll get you a ticket for the pool as soon as I've...

It isn't that, I just want my money back.

Pardon?

Well, I gave your receptionist a £10 note before she fainted.

Well she hasn't got it now.

I think it might have fallen down her -- cleavage.

What?

Well, when she saw you just now, she went...

and I think it fell down her front.

I can't see anything.

It might have fallen further down.

It's all the money I've got.

It's my bus fare, I can't get home without it.

All right, all right. I'll have a look.

It's all right Carole, just looking for something.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you the money out of my pocket,

and take it out of her wages, alright?

Carole, are you feeling any better?

How can I help you?

With a smile.

Good.

Now, I think it's best if I take over here at the desk.

You go and have a lie down, alright?

How can I help you.

And tell Colin to hurry up, will you? -With a smile.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not actually supposed to be here until tomorrow

but duty calls. Madam?

A junior ticket for the swimming pool please.

How can he be back Colin, he's dead. I mean, we burnt him.

Exactly, that's why he's had to take over her body.

Whose body?

Carole's.

But he hasn't got complete control over it yet.

It keeps collapsing on him.

She's probably resisting him in some way.

Mr Brittas?

Yes.

It's wonderful to have you back, Mr Brittas.

How can I help you?

Unfortunately madam, it's not quite as simple as that.

Would that it were.

You see, if your son isn't a junior dolphin,

then we don't let him in unaccompanied.

However, joining doesn't actually cost any money.

It's just a question of filling in a form.

You see?

So, it's just name and address, parent's national insurance number,

standard of swimming on a scale of one to ten,

or as we have it here, shrimp to killer whale,

two recent photographs,

a lot of people find the machine at the station's very useful,

and some means of identification

like a library card or savings book?

But I don't understand?

Yesterday, someone said you could just walk in and...

Oh he can, once he's a junior dolphin.

As long as he remembers his membership card.

Now, I'd be grateful if you'd read the rules for The Centre.

And these are the rules for the pool itself.

I'll draw your attention particularly to this section here on foot hygiene.

Alright? And the next please?

How can I help you sir?

Laura? Look, could you come down to reception?

Thanks.

Now, you are sure you saw him are you Carole?

He's out there Tim, I swear it.

He came towards me through the crowd.

Getting nearer.

And nearer.

Then everything went black.

Oh Colin, what's happening to me?

Well my theory is,

that he's left the spiritual plane, and he's looking for some vehicle

which will enable him to re-enter our physical world.

Vehicle?

You mean Carole?

No.

No, obviously Carole's body didn't suit him.

Actually, when you think about it,

he was always very keen on physical fitness.

So, whose body will he take?

Well I don't know if you've ever read any Dennis Wheatley?

But they usually go for children.

They're the easiest, you see.

My baby, oh God! He's gonna take my baby.

Whoa, well I don't know who could've told you that.

The rule for the squash courts is perfectly clear,

only 20 minutes per booking. That way, everyone gets a chance.

Ah, Laura, thank goodness.

Mr Brittas?

I was beginning to think all the staff around here had died.

No, no, we're fine Mr Brittas.

How are you?

First thing's first Laura,

I was wondering if you could do something about this?

I presume it's Carole's.

Yes, yes, where is Carole?

She had one of her turns I'm afraid.

I've sent her off to lie down.

Honestly Laura, it's been absolute bedlam ever since I got back.

No receptionist, unbelievable queues,

and a screaming baby.

I've had to ask Colin three times to take over

but he's never turned up.

Why is Gavin staring at me like that?

Sorry Mr Brittas.

Linda, would you take Ben up to my office please?

Now, this man wants to borrow a squash racket

and there's not sign of the loan book.

What's going on around here, Laura?

You've got to talk to him, Carole.

You've got to plead with him not to do it.

But he's dead!

Try the intercom. That's how Colin did it.

I just pushed the button.

Upstairs?

The loan book isn't doing a lot of good upstairs, is it Laura?

Could you bring it down for me please?

And Gavin?

Yes, Mr Brittas? -I notice from the booking sheet

that some people have been spending nearly an hour on the squash courts,

just go and tell them to leave, will you?

Politely of course.

We don't want to upset them or they won't come back again, alright?

Right Mr Brittas.

Yes, squire?

Well, I wondered if I could just erm,

[Carole Via Intercom] Hello, is anybody out there?

What is it now, Carole? -Mr Brittas!

Carole, I'm already trying to deal

with five things at once out here, just tell me what it is will you?

You've got my baby, Mr Brittas.

Yes?

Take my body, please Mr Brittas?

I don't want your body, Carole.

I'm a little bit beyond things like that at the moment

thank you very much.

Where's my baby?

Your baby is... I've no idea exactly

where your baby is, Carole,

but I can assure you he's alright.

Now would you or Colin please get out here.

Honestly, that woman gets worse and worse. Now, how can I help you?

I wondered if I could have some change for the telephone?

Unfortunately that just isn't possible for three main reasons.

Firstly, giving change involves opening the till

without anything actually registering on the roll,

and that can look rather suspicious to our auditors.

Secondly, we start the day with a float

calculated on the amount of business averaged

during the preceding three days, and we don't wanna upset the balance.

And thirdly, it's far too time consuming.

Alright?

The loan book.

For you, Mr Brittas.

Thank you Laura, that seems to be the last of them.

Could we have a little talk Mr Brittas?

Of course, we'll go to my office shall we?

Ah, ah.

Presents for the family, Laura.

Nothing expensive, but as you'll realise one day yourself Laura,

the important thing is letting them know they're not forgotten.

Have you seen your wife since you got back, Mr Brittas?

Not yet Laura, no. I'm planning on giving her a little surprise.

Dead?

They were very definite.

You thought I was dead?

We had a funeral and everything.

On Wednesday.

Linda did the flowers.

We even had this made.

Gordon Brittas, crushed to death,

Bulgaria, June 1991.

Erected in gratitude by his staff.

If you're not dead Mr Brittas, what happened?

If you must know Laura,

I spent the last eight days locked in a chicken hutch.

Why?

I haven't the faintest idea, Laura.

It was my first day in the hotel,

I was just going down to the manager to complain about the size of the towels.

Not the first thing I had to complain about I might add,

when this bag was dropped over my head.

Next thing I knew, I was sitting in my underwear

up to my neck in feathers.

Good lord.

Eight days Laura, they took my clothes, my wallet,

even the ring I bought for my 21st birthday.

Your ring.

I'm not a man given to moaning Laura, but it wasn't easy.

Nothing to eat but raw eggs and corn.

Sharing a water dropper with 38 Bulgarian Bantams.

If I ever find the man who did it, I'll flatten him.

I rather think somebody already has.

What?

Of course, they squashed the wrong man.

What are you talking about?

It must've been the man who took your clothes.

What?

They said, you'd been crushed in a steel press, Mr Brittas.

Well, that's what they told your wife.

Helen thinks I'm dead?

Well, yes.

That's why she organised the funeral.

My God, poor Helen.

She must've been through hell.

Look, I'd better get back and give her the good news.

Would you like me to ring her?

No thanks Laura, I'd rather do it myself.

This sort of thing can be a bit of a shock if it's not done properly.

Phone Helen.

Was there any mail for me?

Well no, everyone thought you were dead!

Right.

He doesn't know, does he?

Carole, Carole?

Hang on, this sometimes works.

What's happening, where am I?

It's alright Carole.

Ben, what are they doing to you? Ben?

My baby!

Ben!

Brittas!

Hang on Carole!

Don't try and stop me!

No, I'm not, it's just,

here, it's garlic.

You never know.

Ben!

That's the Bulgarians for you.

Can't organise a decent carrier bag.

My baby?

You devil monster.

Mr Brittas!

Ah, Colin, the very man. Clear that lot up for me will you?

You're alive, Laura just told me.

Well done Colin, that's the spirit.

Mr Brittas, I came to warn you,

it's all my fault but she got upset when I told her

that you were a disembodied spirit roaming The Centre.

Hold it, hold it Colin.

Let's take this one step at a time shall we?

Now, who's upset?

Carole, she thinks you're dead. She's very, very upset.

That seems perfectly understandable to me, Colin.

Ah, but she thinks you've taken her baby.

I'm gonna have to leave this one to you Colin,

I'm urgently required at home.

Have a quiet word with her,

see if you can sort it out, alright, bye.

Carole, what are you doing?

I think she thinks you've got her baby in the back.

What?

The baby, in the back.

It's not a baby.

It's just a doll.

See?

It's just a doll.

My baby.

It's a doll, look!

Right!

How long's he gonna be?

Sorry Mr Brittas?

Some sort of problem is there Laura?

No, no Mr Brittas.

Colin's just gone to get the wire cutters.

I'm sure he won't be long.

Mr Brittas, you won't put it on my CV will you Mr Brittas?

You see, I thought you were a zombie, stealing the body of my child.

To get perpetual youth!

Just go and lie down will you Carole?

While we've got a moment Mr Brittas,

perhaps this is a good time to say on behalf of everybody,

how very glad we are that you're alive,

and, back with us.

Here, here.

Yes, here, here.

I've got the cutters, Mr Brittas.

Mind your fingers.

Careful Colin.

Linda?

Did you manage to phone Mrs Brittas yet?

I've been trying her for ten minutes, but it's still engaged.

And the other thing we need is wine glasses.

How many wine glasses do you want Mrs Brittas?

150.

She says 150.

Same address as the marquee, yeah.

Lovely.

You look wonderful Mrs Brittas.

You don't think it's a bit over the top?

Not at all.

He's a very lucky man.

Oh thanks.

Then there's the food, wine,

chairs, tables, floral decorations.

The children are with Mrs Basterble are they?

Yes, Laura's picking them up and taking them to the church.

Thanks Julie. Now, is there anything I've forgotten?

Hello darling, I'm home!

It's alright darling, the nightmare's over, I'm back!

You're getting married?

Well not now, obviously.

I've only been gone a week.

Eight days.

I can't believe this.

Gordon, you were dead.

We cremated you on Wednesday.

Your ashes were scattered over the long jump pit,

just like you said.

Who to?

What?

This chap you're going to marry after I've been gone eight days, do I know him?

I don't think so. I only met him on Wednesday.

Wednesday?

At the crematorium.

Michael was a bit early for his and we were a bit late for yours.

We got talking and...

Wednesday, you met him on Wednesday

and you're getting married?

Well you always said that if anything...

You've only been a widow for three days.

What did I always say?

You said that I shouldn't live in the past.

You made me promise that

if anything ever happened to you, I'd marry again.

I thought it might take a bit more than three days.

You said it was important for the children.

You said they ought to have a father figure.

Wednesday?

Oh, that'll be the Rolls Royce.

I better go and tell him.

Wednesday.

Sorry I don't need you any more,

I'm sorry for all the trouble. Bye.

Who chose the hymns? -What?

For the memorial service?

I was just wondering who chose this one,

"If I Had A Hammer?

I think that one was the children.

Mr. Brittas.

I thought there ought to be one they knew and could join in on.

Otherwise all good stuff.

"God moves in a mysterious way",

"now thank we all our God".

Many people turn up for this thing did they?

About 1200 I think.

As many as that?

In the end they had to broadcast it on loud speakers to the people outside.

But why?

I'm just a simple manager of a leisure centre.

I think Laura put something in the paper,

that anyone who wanted to say a final goodbye

should come to the church.

And a lot of people did.

Do you know they erected a memorial for me back at The Centre.

Rather touching I thought.

Did they?

Seemed a shame to take it down really.

Perhaps if I brought it home, we could hang it in the hall,

it'd be a bit of a talking point.

I'm sorry darling.

What?

If I seemed somewhat tetchy when I came in just now.

I suppose a part of me was a little upset at the speed of it all.

But I should've know shouldn't I?

What?

Who but my little Helen,

after a week of her husband's death,

would be prepared to sacrifice herself

to someone she hardly knew,

just for the sake of the children.

You never cease to amaze me, my darling.

Will he be very disappointed?

Who?

This Michael, the chap you were gonna...

Oh, I think he will a bit, yes.

He's not still expecting you to turn up at the church is he?

I hadn't thought!

Well Helen my love, you'd better get on that phone now,

and put him out of his misery.

Yes.

And give him a big thank you from me, will you? -What?!

Anyone prepared to leap into the breach like that

is someone I wanna shake by the hand one day.

Tell him I'll buy him a pint, eh?

Michael?

Yes it's me.

Oh, you've heard have you?

Yes it is rather, isn't it.

No, no, not even injured.

Nothing wrong with him at all.

What?

I think he wants to buy you a pint sometime!