Original subtitles

You're doing it again, Gordon.

Sorry.

Clicking your fingers on the table.

I'm sorry darling, I'm just little bit distracted at the moment.

These figures are a bit puzzling.

I mean here we have a leisure centre designed to provide

recreation for anything up to 2,000 people a day.

Do you know how many people we had in over the weekend?

Could you please stop doing that, Gordon?

43.

Gordon!

I'm sorry darling. Was I?

It's just that centre cost nearly 2.75 Million pounds.

If only 43 people want to use it,

someone, somewhere is doing something wrong my darling.

If only I could put my finger on what it was.

Shouldn't we be going?

I'll have to go over this with my heads of department,

See if we can't thrash something out.

I've just been reading about a woman who murdered her husband

for clicking his teeth.

Clicking his teeth?

Yes. Apparently he did it every mealtime for 30 years

until one morning at breakfast, she dropped a marble pastry board on his head.

Casseroled his body in the Aga.

Just for clicking his teeth, eh?

Apparently. Do you think you'll be long?

What?

You said I could have the car after you this morning, it's 10 to 9.

Right when I think I'm ready. Briefcase. Keys. Wallet. Let's go go.

Ohh. -What is it?

Shan't be a minute. Just gotta clean my shoes.

Do you want yours? -What? -Umbrella.

No thank you. -They did say occasional showers.

I'll risk it.

I'll get it anyway, just in case you change your mind.

Strange isn't it? Murdering someone because they click their teeth.

Is it?

Although I was thinking it's often

the little things that really get under your skin, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Still, never mind. Let's Go Go Go.

Brakes feel a bit spongy.

When you use it darling, press harder on the pedal.

Hello. I heard my wife's been involved in a car accident and I just wondered--

Is she? Did she say anything about the car?

No no of course, very painful, yeah,

well if you are, perhaps you could ask her about the car.

Well it's just that it's had a respray recently. I'm a bit worried about it.

Right, thanks. Bye.

I dunno - doctors - no time for anything. Right, where were we?

Your graph, Mr. Brittas.

Right, now, if we're agreed that attendance has been a little

disappointing lately my feeling is we should take steps now before this--

becomes a trend.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas, it's the pollen count.

Anything above 105 I tend to generate a lot of extra nasal fluid.

You see it's my commitment to make this centre the hub of the community and see it

constantly hustling and bustling with life and activity. How many we got in today?

Seven, Mr. Brittas. Four of those were trapped in a lift from yesterday.

Well, if this is the situation, I think I'm entitled to turn

to my heads of Department and quite simply say "why"?

Well--

I think it's mainly 2 reasons. I think it's partly the fault of the public

and partly, I'm afraid to say, the fault of our staff.

Biscuit Laura. -No, thank you.

So, the first problem is, do the public know we're here?

There's a very big notice outside, Mr. Brittas.

And A.A. signs all the way from the bypass.

I was thinking more of the way we persuade people that they should be coming in

to use the facilities, which is why I've come up with this series of special offers.

Tissue, Colin?

No thank you, Mr. Brittas.

I promised myself that I would only use unbleached recycled paper.

I see.

Unfortunately, they'd run out this morning and I'm down to my last one.

Anyway...

I think -- it's what's been giving me this cold sore.

Anyway, my intention is to display these around The Centre.

I simply wondered what you thought of them. All criticism gratefully received.

Well. -Yes, Laura?

Well, I wondered if they weren't, you know, a bit complicated.

Complicated? -Yes. -Not quite with you.

Well, you take this one Calling all Swimmers for instance, I mean,

it says here that anyone not in full time education who uses the pool

for more than 3 but less than 5 sessions on a weekday is entitled

to a 3rd off the price of any general session at the weekend.

Seems a very tempting offer to me.

Yes -- Just not quite as snappy as 2 for the price of 1.

We cannot afford to give two tickets for the

price of one, Laura. That's my exact point.

We're running a business here. God knows if you

only got 7 people in and they will go half price...

Okay, okay, I understand.

Mr. Brittas, I've been thinking.

If people aren't coming in to The Centre, how are they going to see the notices?

Perhaps you'd like to pour us some more coffee, Colin.

Now, the flip side of the coin is what happens to customers once

they come in to The Centre and how they are treated by our staff.

I think they do their best.

Possibly. Let's put it another way.

Do you know the health and fitness club in Icarus Roads?

The place with the purple door?

That's right. I walked past it the other day and it was packed at lunchtime.

Well, yes. but... -Mostly businessmen too paying £75 an hour with extras.

It's not gonna be easy to compete with the extras, Mr. Brittas.

Think positive, Laura. Let's make it our job to find out

what those extras are and provide them better and more often.

I just don't think our staff will be prepared to...

That's the problem, Laura.

What we need is some sort of incentive here

to make our staff rather more courteous and thoughtful.

Which is why I think the public, thank you very much indeed Colin.

So what I've decided to do is present this.

A cup? -That's right.

The Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre Staff Courtesy Challenge cup.

That's right, I propose to present it

to someone each week and they get to take it home.

And people will want to do that will they?

It's recognition, Laura. Of course they will.

They can put it on their mantle pieces and when the neighbours

come in they can say that's the courtesy cup I won at work

which is a rather nice thing to be able to say.

Uh huh? -They can't keep it permanently, of course,

but there's nothing to stop them winning it the following week.

It's a bit like your star system isn't it?

What? -And the punctuality trophy?

It's not like the star system at all, Laura.

Those stars are awarded for efficient and committed work

and the punctuality trophy isn't even a cup Colin. It's a shield.

This is a cup. -Oh yes, I see.

Anyway, I want you to give me

a name of someone in your Department who's been particularly helpful

and a rough outline of the reasons in say no more than 500 words.

At the staff meeting every Monday I will tell everyone

what he, or indeed she Laura did and make the award. Okay?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

I think it's a rather neat way of rewarding good work

and encouraging others to strive for the same sort of standard.

Are you alright, Laura?

It's not very good coffee, is it? Mine's got bits floating around in it.

Mr. Brittas? -Angie?

Your wife's back from hospital. She's waiting in your office.

Oh, that's marvellous news.

Right, I'll just finish putting these up and I'll be right down.

What is that? -What?

Spangles wrapper.

If we don't do something soon we'll have a Centre that's knee deep in sweet papers.

There's string there as well.

It gets worse and worse. It really does Angie.

Fancy leaving something like that lying around?

Look at it. Right across the gang way. It could have killed someone.

This is just the sort of thing I'm trying to avoid. It really is.

How can we improve those attendance figures if we

send members of the public headlong down stairwells?

There you are, my darling. How's the car?

I'm alright. They say it's only a simple break.

Really, that's good news. Just a break eh? That's very good news.

The car will be ready on Thursday.

Not til Thursday? -Apparently the brakes were completely gone.

That'll teach me to buy British, eh?

We'll be walking home this evening.

They say that the brake fluid pipes had been cut.

Cut? -Deliberately. With a hacksaw.

You mean to say they thought someone was trying to... -Exactly!

But that's ludicrous. -Is it Gordon?

Of course, it is darling. Who'd want to murder you, eh?

How can I be pregnant again doctor?

I only had a baby 6 weeks ago.

But I thought if I was breastfeeding I didn't have to use anything.

Everything alright Carol? -Yes, fine Mr. Brittas, thank you.

Well, can I bring in another specimen?

I still think we should have gone to the Tennis Club.

This is perfect. Look, it's brand new and it's half the price.

I know I know, but I think there's a snag.

Morning Gentlemen.

All our courts are free. Which one would you like?

What did I tell you?

We'll have this one.

Yeah, well, I've got a fiver says we never get to play.

What are you talking about? What's gonna stop us?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I couldn't help noticing. In for a game of tennis are we?

Yes, that's right.

In that case, you might be interested in this.

Calling all sportsmen and women.

It's a deal I've negotiated with Wilde's Sports shop.

If you present a ticket to say you've used this

centre between 10 and 3 within the last three days,

they'll give you a seven and a half percent

discount on any goods you may purchase there.

Well, that's great. Thanks.

Not at all. It's our job to help.

Oh, there is just one thing.

The offer only lasts until the end of the week,

because the shop is in fact closing down.

So if you do wish to avail yourselves,

you'll have to do so before the end of the week, alright?

Thank you. -We'll have a 2 hour session please.

Is it the 30th today? -Sorry?

The 30th? -Yes, it is.

I've just remembered they're closing down

the precinct to do some re-paving from tomorrow,

so in fact the offer only stands today.

Fine.

Today's Thursday, isn't it?

Which means it's half day closing and it's 11:30 now.

If you're not down there in half an hour.

We'll manage.

I'll tell you what, forget about the game.

You pop down there now, get yourself a discount.

Probably a good pair of track shoes for you

and probably a new cardigan for you.

And we'll keep the ticket until -- ooh, no, you'll want the ticket won't you?

I think we'll just stay and...

I'll tell you what, I'll write on it here.

This Carol, is to allow these gentlemen back at any

time for the full duration of their game. Alright?

So you take these. Pop down now. Get your discount.

You can still come back this afternoon and play the game. How's that?

Is your name Brittas?

Gordon Brittas. Manager.

Well, gentlemen, I hope you manage to find a few bargains.

Your fiver.

There might be a cancellation up at the club.

Anyway, there's never more than a 3 hour wait.

Hello.

Can I speak to Mister Wilson? It is rather important.

Huh?

On his -- honeymoon?

No, I didn't know he was getting married.

Yes, it's wonderful news, isn't it.

No. I'm sorry.

I've tried to persuade him, but he says the whole idea is quite ridiculous.

Oh well maybe he's right. Maybe the brake pipes were just an accident.

That certainly what Mr. Brittas thinks.

He rang the garage and asked if it mightn't have been a squirrel.

What did they say?

They said it was possible, but if it was, it was a squirrel with a hacksaw.

Is there anyone in your neighbourhood who he's upset recently?

Where do you want me to start, Laura? I mean, I'm his wife, look how I feel?

The trouble is, I think he had difficulty believing

anyone could dislike him, let alone want to...

Exactly. Why would you want to kill someone who's always

trying to do the right things for the right reasons?

That's just what he said.

Have you ever seen him on a Zebra Crossing? -I'm sorry?

He just steps out and starts walking.

It's the same principle you see. He's in the right.

Never occurs to him how the driver might feel.

He's in the right, that's what matters.

I see.

It'll be the death of him one day.

One day, the cars won't stop in time and I'll be left, cradling him in my arms

and mopping the blood from his mouth.

And you know what he's going to say as he smiles bravely up at me through the pain?

"Don't worry darling, it's my right of way."

I don't believe this man. What does he think he's doing?

I mean, what does he think he's doing?

Well, it's not that bad.

All I have to say is that you did some good deed for somebody. You get a cup.

That's all. -No absolutely not. No.

We all have to take a turn.

Damien got the best turned out target twice last month.

Linda and Patrick have both been best citizen several times.

You've won nothing since that punctuality shield.

Hey! Colin, somebody's been messing around with my stars! -What?

I only had 6 this morning and now look!

I can explain that.

You got those for rescuing that little girl who swam out of her depth.

Nope, Nope no, I only got one for that. I remember. Brittas said.

Ah, yes, but it was a green one. They're worth 2 yellows

and the yellows are 5 each. That's 10 red.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm not having it.

Look, Gavin, does it really matter?

Matter?! Whoever wins this thing has to go

out to dinner with Brittas at the Bernie Inn. Of course it matters!

I know how you feel.

Well, it's not fair. Some of the others haven't got any stars at all.

Look at them.

Tony. Tony had 2 stars yesterday. I know he did. He's peeled them off.

No, he lost those for being late.

He always weasels out of it somehow doesn't he?

Well, he's not getting away with it this time.

He can have a couple of mine for starters.

Gavin! Gavin, if Mr. Brittas catches you!

If I could have your attention please everyone? Colin?

Now some of you may have seen these eye catching

notices I've been displaying around The Centre.

Well the more thoughtful ones amongst you will have realised that people

have got to come in to The Centre in the first place to actually read them.

So there's 200 for you, Tim. 200 for Colin.

Do you want me to deliver all those, Mr. Brittas?

Not all of them, Colin, no.

I want you to keep at least one back to put in your own front window.

That way, when people walk past, they'll be able to see the headline.

Calling all sportsmen and women.

And they'll think themselves, "ooh, I wonder

what that rather intriguing notice is?"

Then they'll come along and say "ooh, it's from the leisure centre.

They seem to be offering 4% off any ticket bought midweek

before 9 AM by anyone with a pension card. I must tell Granny."

See the way it works? Right everyone, if you'd like to help yourselves please.

Gavin, can I have a word please.

Now what were you doing just now when I came in? -What?

You were doing something at the notice board.

Oh, nothing, Mr. Brittas.

I think you were, Gavin.

I wasn't. I wasn't doing anything, honest.

It's alright, I know. -I didn't touch it.

You were at this notice board and you thought

to yourself, ooh look at Tony, he's got no stars.

Between you and me, he's got very little chance of getting any.

And you thought there's me, Gavin, storming

into the lead in this month's competition again.

So you decided to boost his morale with a couple of your own stars, didn't you?

Mr. Brittas...

and that is exactly the sort of caring

generosity that I'm trying to encourage, Gavin,

I'll tell you what we'll do. -What?

We'll let Tony keep those two stars, but at no cost to yourself. -What?!

In fact I'm going to give you 2 more.

Just to show that selflessness doesn't always go unrewarded.

Ohh... -Well done, Gavin everyone. Well done, Gavin.

Now, I must be off to my game of squash. Can anyone lend me a comb?

There you are, Mr. Brittas. -Thank you, Colin.

You don't get dandruff, do you, Mr. Brittas?

Never mind, Colin. Never had it in my life.

I used to get it really badly, you know, but

then it turned into seborrhoea, which is where great flaky chunks drop out.

Thank you, Colin.

Right, Mr. Brittas. Do you need me to get changed for the game then Mr. Brittas?

As it happens, I've been challenged by an anonymous member of the public.

To the death, the note said. Should be interesting.

Larry!

What are you doing here?

Gavin, there's something I want you to do for me.

Oh yes?

I want you to tell Mr. Brittas,

there's somebody up on the roof contemplating suicide.

There's someone on the roof?

Not yet, but there soon will be.

For God's sake don't tell Brittas. He'll want to help.

I know. -He'll try and talk them down

5 minutes of that and they won't be contemplating suicide they'll have jumped.

Who is it anyway?

It's me.

You? You're going to jump? Larry, why?

The choir took 20 years to build up you know? -What?

We used to travel around the country. Win prizes.

Then Brittas came along, calling everybody by their Christian names.

Helping them. Giving them all encouragement.

We only had 3 people at choir practice last night.

It was then that I decided.

He has to die.

He what?

Seems the only sensible thing.

You're going to kill Brittas?

Not for myself, you understand?

For the sake of the parish.

Larry. I don't know what to say.

Well, we all feel a bit like that, sometimes, but--

don't you think you need a little help? -That's why I came to you.

That's not what I meant.

Look at me.

Just get him up on the roof. I'll do the rest.

Larry.

Oh God!

Tim, I've just seen Larry Whitaker. He says he's gonna kill Brittas.

I've always liked Larry.

Does he need any help?

I'm being serious. He's asked me to lure Brittas

up onto the roof so that he can murder him.

How? -Well, I don't know.

I suppose he's going to throw him off or something.

What have you warned him? -Who? -Brittas? -No, not yet.

Do you think I should?

Well you have to don't you?

Yes, yes of course.

I'll go with you.

Come on.

Yes, yes. I'm sure you're right.

Come in.

Mr. Brittas, could we have a word?

Ah, Tim, Gavin. Just the people I wanted to see.

Tim, could you fly down to the squash courts for me please?

Sorry? -I think I left my racket in squash court number 3.

And you want me to run all the way down there and fetch it now?

If you wouldn't mind Tim, yes.

Mr. Brittas, I've just been talking to...

If you don't mind me hopping in first, Gavin while young Tim is away. -What?

I have a confession to make.

My racket is actually perfectly safe here in my cupboard.

Mr. Brittas. I really...

I just wanted a discrete word about Tim. Take a seat, Gavin.

What about Tim?

Now, you're a good friend of Tim, aren't you? You work well together.

Yes.

Well, I'm just getting slightly concerned that he might be somewhat...

You know?

Somewhat what?

I'm just getting a little bit worried lately

that he might be a bit of a left footer.

You think he's a homosexual?

Good heavens, I wouldn't put it as strongly as that.

Then what do you mean?

I'm a broad minded sort of bloke, Gavin. I think you know that.

But Joe Public can get very, very anxious about that sort of thing.

All I want you to do is just keep an eye out, if you get my drift.

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Just keep an eye out, particularly in the changing rooms and the showers.

Tell me if... well, if anything...

All in complete confidence of course.

We don't Tiny Tim to know about it, do we?

But, on the other hand we don't want some member of the public...

It's not there. Linda said you took it with you.

Oh, thanks for trying Tim.

She said it's in your cupboard.

Is it? Oh that's good. Silly me, eh?

Well Gavin, I'll bear in mind what you had to say about the vending machine.

What? -Now I gather you two had something to tell me?

Mr. Brittas? -Angie?

There's a man on the roof about to commit suicide.

What?

He says he's going to jump in about 5 minutes.

Alright Angie, alright. You'd better get Laura to close off the area

and also get Colin to lay out some gym mats just in case.

I'll see if I can't talk him down.

Aren't you going to call the police?

Don't worry Angie. I'm a trained Samaritan.

I presume whatever it was can wait, lads?

But it wasn't... -Yes, that's fine.

Are you sure? -It can wait, Mr. Brittas!!

Right. Onwards and upwards.

Hello? Ah, there you are, Larry.

It's no good. You can't stop me.

No, no. Of course. I'm not here to stop you doing anything.

I just thought I'd take some fresh air. Is that alright?

Yes, I suppose so.

I come up here quite often myself to, you know, think things over.

Mind if I join you?

Oh.

Not at all. Why don't you-- have a seat there.

Let's put a few cards on the table shall we, Larry.

You've heard, haven't you? -What?

I'm not normally a quitter. I think you know that,

but if you'll just hear me out, you'll know why exactly I have to resign.

What?

From the choir.

You're going to resign?

It's just a question of priorities.

You see, this place needs my full energies.

This is my parish. This is where my ministry must spread from.

You're leaving the choir?

You see, I have a dream.

When?

Well, as a matter of fact, I'd just finished writing my letter of resignation

when I heard the news you were up here. -You put in writing?

God knows I don't like letting people down, Larry, but...

Can I see see it?

I just didn't know how much this meant to you.

Otherwise I would have tried to talk things through with you.

The letter. Can I see it?

Are you sure you can take this?

Oh, quite sure.

Well, as it happens, I've got it in my anorak here.

It must be on the other side. Could you move up a bit please Larry? -Of course.

Are you okay, Larry?

Look, alright, I'll tear it up. I'm tearing it up now!

Larry?

Mrs. Brittas? -Hello Laura, what are you doing here?

A few of us on the late shift decided to club together and get him some flowers.

Oh, how sweet of you, thank you.

We wanted to do something.

Does anyone have any idea why he jumped?

Ah! I thought there must be some mistake. He's in the next door bed, that way.

This isn't the man who jumped off the roof?

I'm afraid not. This is Gordon. -Mr. Brittas?

Why's he in here?

It was when he was walking home this evening. Got run over by a treacle lorry.

That was him? I saw a bit about it on the news, but of course I didn't

recognise him with all that treacle and everything. What happened?

He got run over on a Zebra Crossing.

The driver's in the next door bed that way,

and the old ladies from the bus stop are in the two rooms after that.

It's quite an achievement really.

I'm sorry? -Well, filling an entire hospital intensive care unit single handed.

It's a good story, even for Gordon.

But, they do say he'll be alright, don't they?

I've been sitting here wondering about that and I couldn't help

thinking if perhaps it might be easier for everyone if he wasn't.

What? -Well, if he didn't recover. If he just slipped quietly away?

I think that's a bit harsh. I mean you can't say anyone deserves to die.

Oh, I didn't say he deserved it, I was just being practical.

I see. Well -- I'd miss him.

It's alright, Laura. You don't have to cheer me up.

No, I didn't say it to cheer you up. Honestly.

The thing about your husband, Mrs. Brittas.

I know he's annoying. Very annoying. He annoys me a lot of the time, but

what I always end up remembering is that there's never any malice.

He doesn't hate anybody. He cares about The Centre and all the people in it.

He wants more than anything to help. He-- He really does have a dream.

And even though things never quite work out the way he wanted,

the fact that he tries, and he keeps on trying, well--

I think that's worth something.

Do you?

I do actually.

Yes. Yes, you're probably right.

Hello darling.

Hello, Gordon.

You know, IT WAS MY RIGHT OF WAY!