Original subtitles

Straight through to the restroom please, Gavin, Linda. Straight through please.

I'm sorry I'm late Mr. Brittas.

Never mind, Colin. Straight through to the restroom, please.

Right, Mr. Brittas. -You've closed us down again?

I shall be explaining that, Laura.

It's the fourth time this month!

If you'd just like to go straight through to the restroom, please.

The restroom, Colin. I said the staff restroom.

I need the toilet first, Mr. Brittas.

I've been taking lot of fennel recently to help purify my system.

Alright Colin.

Unfortunately seems to put my kidneys into spasm and give me this hyperactive bladder.

Just join us when you can Colin, will you. -Right, Mr. Brittas.

Here you are, Mr. Brittas. -Ah. Thank you Angie.

What do you want the Polaroid (instant camera) for?

All will be revealed Angie. All will be revealed.

So the facts are these.

During the course of yesterday afternoon, Carol had to leave her baby -Ben

Ben, in his carry cot here in the staff restroom.

My mother would have kept him but she's back in hospital, you see?

Thank you, Carol.

Her body's rejected the hip replacement.

We're all very sad to hear that Carol. Now.

Sorry about that Mr. Brittas, but it can be quite painful if I don't -- you know!

If you'd just like to take a seat, please, Colin.

Now, Carol hid the £5 that she'd borrowed

down beside the mattress here in the carry cot.

I know it was silly, but I needed the money

for a cassette of womb music to help him sleep.

So Carol hid the £5 in the carry cot.

He's has a lot of trouble sleeping. So do I actually.

Carol. -I haven't had a good night's sleep since I...

Carol! -Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Now, as some of you are undoubtedly aware £5 is a lot of money

to Carol and paying me back is not going to be easy for her.

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Once more should do it!

But I think there's a much more serious issue here.

Staff morale. If we're ever going to work together as a team,

we have to be able to trust each other.

And that is why I've decided to close the Centre this morning.

But are you sure that's absolutely necessary, Mr. Brittas?

I think it's vital, Laura.

Well, I know it's serious but we are covered by insurance

and it was only 5 pounds.

Unfortunately, it wasn't only £5. £5 is just the tip of a very ugly iceberg.

Last Tuesday when Patrick came in here to wash his hair,

he found that his sachet of shampoo had been removed from the shower area.

Wednesday afternoon, this very same room,

Gavin's soap on a rope mysteriously disappeared.

Sorry about that Mr. Brittas. I feel so much better.

And on Friday when I came to check the staff coffee money,

I discovered that 3 biscuits were unaccounted for.

Somebody must have forgotten, Mr. Brittas.

How could anyone forget Carol? It couldn't be simpler.

You either put your 2p in the honesty box, or you sign your name here in the book...

OK, who's stolen the biscuit pencil?

Right, that's another thing, the biscuit pencil.

Mr. Brittas? -Perhaps you should move in there for the day, Colin.

No no no, I've been thinking, Mr. Brittas. Perhaps it isn't a thief. -What?

I saw this television programme the other night.

It was about a postman and he used to drive round in his little van

and when people kept missing things in his village, it turned out to be a bird.

A what?

I saw that. It was a jackdaw.

That's right. A jackdaw could be taking everything.

That's jewellery Colin. Jackdaws take jewellery.

It's not going to fly off with Gavin's Soap on a rope, is it?

It wouldn't fit its beak.

No, well, no, no, I realise that, but...

I think Colin's right. -Pardon?

I mean, I just can't believe it was anyone here. I mean look around.

We all know each other. No one in this room is going to steal 5 pounds from Carol.

Looks can be very deceptive, Laura.

I mean you wouldn't know necessarily just by looking,

that someone in this room had a criminal record, would you?

Have they? -I thought no one was supposed to know about that.

What? -The person with a criminal record. I thought no one was supposed to know.

They don't, that information is completely confidential and always will be.

So how come you've just told everyone.

I didn't. All I said is someone in this room might have a criminal....

You said they "had", actually!

Did I? Well, I'm very sorry. I apologise, that's not what I meant to say.

It's a bit late isn't it? I mean, everyone knows who it is now.

They don't. I've named no names, Danny. -Of course they do!

Alright, so I went to prison, but that doesn't mean I stole Carol's 5 pounds.

I happen to have got involved in what was technically a bigamous marriage.

You know I've done me 3 months and if anyone here

wants to make anything out of it...

Look, Danny, Danny, Danny. I had no idea you had a criminal record.

I wasn't even talking about you. -No? -No, I was talking about Mandy.

He promised he wouldn't. Why did you have to go and say it?

Mandy, I'm sorry. Could we all please leave that off the record?

You try to go straight. You try to make a fresh start. They never let you forget.

Now that is exactly what I'm worried about.

That's an excellent example of what can happen when the trust is eroded

and you lose all team spirit. One bad apple and that sort of heartache

and suffering is the result. Laura, I want you to hand these out, please.

I think the best thing we can do is find out where everyone was yesterday afternoon.

So if you like to fill in, in the spaces provided, where you were,

what you did, when you left, who you saw there,

and anyone who might have seen you. Alright?

Now, this is purely a formality.

I don't want anyone to feel they're under suspicion.

But if you'd like to--

press firmly with a ballpoint or biro

so the automatic copies are clear for cross referencing. Alright?

So Mrs. Brittas, you want some more Valium, is that it?

Yes, please.

Are you feeling particularly depressed at the moment?

Yes, very.

Would you like to tell me why?

Well, I've run out of the pills.

Well, I'll need a little more than that, if I'm to make a diagnosis, Mrs. Brittas.

How are things at home for instance?

If I could just have some more pills.

Well, that's not the way I like to work.

Doctor Burton used to just write out a prescription.

Yes, well, I don't like using purely chemical solutions, Mrs. Brittas.

They only alleviate the symptoms.

Sounds fine to me.

I see here from Dr. Burton's notes that things

haven't always been easy with your husband.

Are things difficult at the moment?

Not especially. He's always like that.

There's no new problem then?

Not especially.

Well, yes, yes I suppose there is. You see, I've been seeing a--

friend in London for some time now. Simon.

And he -- doesn't want to see me any more.

Oh, I see. -Thank you.

Does your husband know about Simon?

No no. There's no problem there. Gordon trusts me completely.

Mrs. Brittas, has it occurred to you,

that a lack of honesty in your relationship with your husband

could be what's causing this depression? -No.

You see, I think the two of you should be talking about this,

if necessary with a third person.

You mean some sort of marriage guidance? -Yes. Well why not?

You've never met my husband, have you?

Perhaps I should?

And if you'd rather, I'd be quite happy

if the suggestion of marriage guidance came from me.

Is that the only way I'm going to get more pills?

I wouldn't put it quite like... -Alright, when do I bring him in?

Sometime next week.

No! -No? -It has to be today.

I've only got 2 pills left and Gordon will be home at 4:00.

Well, I suppose... -I'll be back in an hour.

Well, there are one or two little discrepancies here, Tim, between

what you say you are doing and what Gavin is written about your movements.

What do you mean?

Well, for instance, he says you left him in the canteen at 3:04

and Patrick says you didn't arrive at the pool til 3:09.

Yes?

Well, I've timed the walk between the canteen

and the pool, Tim and it takes just under 2 minutes.

Yet it seems to have taken you nearly five.

Perhaps I made a mistake. We're only talking about a few minutes.

A few minutes, yes, Tim.

Now tell me, I gather you were a rather

useful middle distance runner while at school.

Yes, alright. Look what's all this about?

Now, Tim, I've also timed the distance between the canteen

and that window up there

and allowing one minute to climb in and climb back out again,

it is in fact possible for the above average sprinter,

Tim, to do the whole thing in just under 5 minutes.

So you think I took the fiver is that it?

I'm not saying that.

Yes, you are. You're accusing me.

I am definitely making no accusations at this point.

All I'm saying Tim is there is an inconsistency

here that may or may not have significance.

Perhaps I left the canteen a bit later? -Ah, so now you're changing your story?

Mr. Brittas? -What is it, Carol?

Something you ought to know. -Yes?

It's about the missing biscuits.

Yes, come in.

Mr. Brittas? -Yes, Gavin?

I'd just like to say that, that Tim is one of the kindest, gentlest people I know.

And, and the idea that he'd steal 5 pounds is, is...

He wouldn't do a thing like that, not in a million years.

Well, not from a baby, anyway.

That's all I wanted to say really. -Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

Not so hasty my young friend. I wasn't accusing Tim.

He's a very sensitive person, you know?

He, he's talking about packing it all in and and leaving and going

back to live with his mother in Cheshire.

Don't worry, Gavin. I'll be going over all this this evening.

It's just that whoever took it, it wasn't Tim.

Look, Gavin, I don't want to give away

too much at this early stage, but I will say this.

I have a plan which will ensure that by the end of this evening,

we'll all know who the real culprit is. -Can I tell him not to worry then?

Gavin, if Tim is innocent, he has nothing to fear from me.

Thanks, Mr. Brittas.

Everything all right, Carol?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Is everything alright, Mr. Brittas?

Yes Laura, just clearing out this locker.

I see.

Oh, look somebody's left their wallet on the table. It's yours! -Is It?

Well, it's got your name and address inside it.

Yes, Laura, thank you. If you'd just like to leave it where it is please.

Are you sure? -Quite sure.

It doesn't seem very safe.

I mean, if you don't mind me saying so, isn't it rather

silly to leave money lying around when there's a thief about?

Laura, this, if you must know, is the bait which is going to catch our thief.

Really?

Yes, there's £100 in 20 pound notes in there and if I'm ever given

the chance, I'm going to hide in this locker and watch who steals it.

This is the staff changing area Mr. Brittas.

I shan't be watching any of that, Laura.

I just want to see who takes my wallet.

But that's spying on people.

Surveillance, I prefer to call it, Laura.

Sometimes, unpleasant things have to be done.

Well I hope none of the others find out.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm just not sure how the staff will react

to having someone taking Polaroids from inside a locker.

I just don't think it will be very popular.

Have you got nothing to do, Laura?

Well, as a matter of fact I was going to have a shower,

but I think I've changed my mind now.

Mr. Brittas?

Mr. Brittas?

Yes! What is it?

Oh, there you are, Mister Brittas, Laura said you were hiding in one of the lockers.

Message from Angie. Your wife is waiting for you in your office.

My wife, are you sure? -That's what she said.

Oh look, someone's left their wallet.

Thank you, Linda.

This is asking to be stolen left out like that.

Oh, it's yours, Mr. Brittas. -Is it, Linda? Thank you.

Lucky I found it. You want to be careful.

Are you not supposed to be on duty in the pool?

No, this is my break I just ...

Well, go and see if Colin needs a hand. -Right, Mr. Brittas.

Hello darling, what a nice surprise. I thought you were at Uncle Simon's today.

I didn't go. -What happened?

I changed my mind. Look, Gordon...

Is he alright though? He's 73 years old and bedridden. He relies on you, you know.

Uncle Simon doesn't want to see me any more.

Doesn't want to?

What about all those weekends?

The bed baths. The clean underwear.

Apparently someone else is doing all that now.

I see. Well, I have to say darling, I'm rather relieved.

What?

I always thought it took far too much out of you.

You come back home from a day flat out at Uncle Simon's,

and I think to myself that poor woman is exhausted.

Is the new person younger?

I think so.

Good.

Look, Gordon, I came in to say the doctor wants to see you. -The doctor?

Yes, he wants to talk to both of us before he'll give me anything for my depression.

Well, anything to make my little lady happy.

Let's see now. When are we free?

No, it has to be now!

Ooh, a bit tricky, darling.

I'm supposed to be hiding in a locker in the staff changing room.

Oh, God!

You are a bit down, aren't you, darling?

I'll tell you what, why don't I go and find someone to hide for me

while you pop down to the cafeteria.

Cheer yourself up with some hot chocolate and a doughnut.

I haven't got my purse. -No problem, darling.

Ah. I'll tell you what.

get Angie to do you something from petty cash, alright?

And I'll see you downstairs in 12 minutes.

You could look after someone else.

What? -Instead of Uncle Simon.

I'm sure we can find you some old person in need of a bed bath and a bowl of soup.

For when you get the urge...

Thank you, Gordon.

Attagirl.

Mr. Brittas? -Not now, Angie.

Where's he gone now? -Oh, God knows.

He's just left this downstairs

Someone just found it lying out on the table.

Oh, thank you.

You should tell him to be more careful. -Yes. -Are you alright?

Can I get you a cup of coffee or something?

No, no. I'm going to cheer myself up with a cup of hot chocolate and a doughnut.

I'm with you, Mister Brittas.

You want me to get into this locker? -Precisely -There's just one problem.

It's not difficult Colin. Just look through the grille as I explained.

Right Mr. Brittas, it's just...

And make a note of everyone who comes in and the time.

It's just... -Come on, Colin. It's only for one hour.

I'm not sure I can last that long.

What? -Well, you remember, I explained this morning about my hyperactive bladder?

Ah! I'll tell you what, Colin, take this milk bottle.

Is that alright? -Well... -It's only for an emergency, Colin.

I'm just not sure one milk bottle will be enough.

Well, if you need any more, put a note in it and stick it outside the door.

Now, have you got everything Colin?

Notebook. Watch. Camera. -Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Right. Just make sure you keep an eye on the wallet, alright? -Right.

What wallet? -The wallet on the table, Colin.

That's the whole object of the exercise. You've got to watch that wallet...

It's gone! -What's gone?

A wallet! I left a wallet on here with £100 in it and it's gone!

You left your wallet on the table? -Yes.

If you don't mind me saying so, Mr. Brittas, that wasn't very sensible.

It was meant to be taken, Colin, just not yet. Get in there.

Ah Mr. Brittas, they said you'd be in here. Your wife asked me to give you this

Did she Tim? -and to say she's waiting in the car.

Thank you, Tim. -She said, someone gave it to Angie.

Did they, Tim?

I was thinking. You want to be careful leaving your wallet lying about,

especially if you think someone's trying to steal it.

Yes. Well, I'm not too interested in your theories just at the moment, thank you.

Well, I can't do anything right today, can I?

Can you see that clearly, Colin? -Yes, Mr. Brittas. -Right, good luck.

I'm definitely gonna need another bottle.

I don't believe it. He's not stupid enough to do anything like that.

I know, but I tell you, he is, he's in there at the moment.

Mr. Brittas? -Yes. -In the locker?

Yes, Laura saw him getting in.

You're right. He is in there!

Could hear him pouring a drink.

It's despicable.

It's spying, that is.

I mean people come in here to get changed and, and all sorts of things.

I'm going to tell him exactly what I think.

Hang on a minute. I've got a better idea.

Well thank you both for coming in.

Not at all Doctor and may I say how glad we all are to see

some fresh blood in the practise now that old Dr. Burton's dead.

I'm not usually one to criticise, but he was definitely gaga in his final years.

Half blind. Pill-happy.

He was Doctor Grey's father in law, Gordon.

Oh, well you know what I'm talking about then.

Mr. Brittas. -Gordon please.

Your wife came to see me earlier, Gordon, about her depression.

Now you know about this?

Oh yes, she's been getting depression ever since I've known her really.

Yes, well. -I can usually jolly her out of them, but one doesn't always have the time.

Mrs. Brittas. Do you have any idea what causes these depressions?

I think it's all in the mind, really.

You see, Mrs. Brittas has what you and I, doctor would describe as a poor self image.

I keep telling us her she's worth the world to me

but she still gets a bit down, don't you darling?

Some mornings she can hardly persuade herself it's worth getting up.

Have you ever considered Marriage Guidance, Mr. Brittas?

Funnily enough, I have, yes. -Good, because....

But in the end I decided to train as a Samaritan instead.

Mr. Brittas. I think it would be very helpful

if you and your wife were to talk about why she's depressed

with a third person? -Ah! Do you think that would help Mrs. Brittas?

I think talking always helps, yes. As long as you're completely honest about it.

You must have honesty in a relationship.

I was asking your wife what she thought.

Oh, she agrees. You can ask her yourself.

We've always thought that married couples

should talk things through. Haven't we darling?

Mr. Brittas, I do wish you let your wife answer for herself.

Oh, it's alright, I knew what she was going to say.

Mrs. Brittas, is there anything you'd like to say at this point?

Not really.

Would you like me to go ahead and organise a preliminary session?

I think the best thing to do is.

You're doing it again Mr. Brittas. -What?

I asked your wife a question and you answered for her.

Did I? So I did.

Keep pulling me up on that one, darling. will you? I didn't even notice.

Well spotted, Doc.

Yes, well, I'll be in touch when I've organised something, Mrs. Brittas.

Well, thank you very much indeed Doctor and good luck with the practise.

And don't worry, I'm sure people will start to come back eventually.

Mrs Brittas? -Yes? -This is your prescription.

Please call back when you need some more!

Thank you.

And these--

are some slightly stronger ones.

For the really bad days. -Thank you -- so much.

Tell me, did he really train with the Samaritans? -Oh yes. -And they let him in?

Oh, just the one evening. Black Friday they call it.

They lost four in an hour and a half. -Four?

One of them was just a wrong number.

But he was watching! That's disgusting! What are we going to do?

It's alright Gavin's already doing it. -You ready? -Right.

What's that then?

It's alright, I got it from a friend of mine who's a vet.

Mr. Brittas? -Yes, Carol?

Look at this Mr. Brittas. -It's a nappy Carol!

Not "just" a nappy, Mr. Brittas.

Ben's not blocked any more.

No, I can see that, Carol.

I've found what was causing the trouble. Look there. -Carol?

Do you recognise the signature, Mr. Brittas? -I beg your pardon?

It's the Governor of the Bank of England.

Is it?

He swallowed it.

What?

The £5. Nobody took it. Little Ben ate it.

So the fiver wasn't stolen?

This is why it wasn't in his carry cot, I'm so happy.

So no one took the fiver? -No.

So I've spent a large part of my morning accusing people

of stealing things that have in fact been eaten by your baby?

I'm sorry Mr. Brittas. I promise you'll get your money back

I will wash the pieces. I will sellotape them. -Alright Carol.

Of course, it might take a few days before we get it all.

I think it might be easier, Carol, if I took it out of your wages.

Now if you will excuse me. I must go and tell everyone it's been a false alarm

Oh, Mr. Brittas? -Yes? -Danny handed in your wallet.

Did he? Well done Danny.

He found it on the table in the restroom.

If you don't mind me saying so, Mister Brittas?

I don't think it was a terribly safe place to keep it was it?

I mean, 80 pounds is a lot of money.

If I could just have the wallet please, Carol.

How much?

Eighty. I had to look to see who it belonged to.

£80!

I've been robbed.

However, what the criminal did not know is that my apparent

carelessness had a reason which I shall now reveal.

Every one of those 20 pound notes was coated with a phosphorus powder

invisible to the naked eye, but which, under ultraviolet light

shows up as a bright blue,

enabling me to see who handled the money and thus name the guilty party.

So if you like to form a queue and run your hands under the light, please.

Nice and thoroughly, please, Angie. Thank you.

Thank you very much Laura too.

Yes, Gavin, Danny, Phil, Linda, Mandy.

No blue hands.

Well, we're obviously dealing with a criminal far cleverer than I first thought.

We don't know that Mr. Brittas. -What? -About nobody having blue hands.

Yes, I saw quite clearly, Gavin. There was no trace.

You haven't done everyone yet.

Yes, I have, Tim. -Not quite everyone.

I was very careful Laura. I checked every individual.

You haven't done yourself, have you?

No, you were standing behind the light.

Well there's not a lot of point me checking my own hands is there now?

Why not?

You said that no one was above suspicion -I realise that Laura,

but as I'm the one who set the trap in the first place,

I'm hardly likely to have walked into it, am I?

Perhaps it was part of your plan?

Do you mind, Carol?

She's not saying that you did plant it, Mr. Brittas.

She's just playing devil's advocate aren't you? -Yes, exactly.

What possible motive could I have to steal my own money?

Perhaps you want to claim it back on the insurance. You could have been desparate.

No. Don't be ridiculous.

You think that I would... You want to see me put my hands under the light? -Yes!

Alright my hands -- light -- satisfied? Blue. Blue.

Well of course they're blue.

I had to paint the damn things, didn't I?

I had to take them out and put them in my wallet. Of course I got it in my hands.

Anyway, it's my money. -No it wasn't!

What?

I was just saying, Mr. Brittas, it wasn't your money.

Most of it was from petty cash.

Part of it was from petty cash. Yes, part of it,

but it could easily be my 20 pounds that was stolen.

I think we should call the police.

No one's calling anyone, just 'cause I've got a bit of dye on my hands...

No, no, I think Gavin's right. Just to -- sort it out.

Right. Of course. Colin. -Colin?

The person who took the money, and presumably they were wearing gloves,

would have been seen by Colin.

Colin?

I took the precaution earlier of hiding Colin in a locker.

So he will have seen precisely what time the money was taken,

and precisely by whom.

Okay, Colin, you can come out now.

Colin, come out now.

Are you in there, Colin?

All right, who's stolen Colin?

Colin? -Mr. Brittas!

Good grief. What are you doing up there?

Colin, are you still inside that thing? -Yes Mr. Brittas.

Poor Colin. Both legs.

No, I think he'll be alright physically. The doctor said they were clean breaks.

No, I was thinking more of -- is he fitting in properly. That sort of thing.

I mean, that's what's important if he's going to be part of a team.

Do people like him --

when they hang him up on the fire escape?

They filled your car with cement.

Ah, that's different, darling. New Boy, practical jokes.

But I think in the case of Colin.

I mean, I'm just not sure he's popular.

Part of it, of course, is the flatulence.

I think what I'll do is I'll pop in tonight in the hospital.

Have a tactful word with him about it.

Speaking of which, you look rather better my darling.

Sorry?

More like your old self. Did the doctor give you some sort of tonic?

Yes.

My day wasn't too bad actually.

All in all, I think it went quite well.

What?

At the Centre. Never a very pleasant business, pilfering.

but I think if we can weather a storm like that, we may end up with a leaner team,

but I think will be a stronger team at the end of the day.

I thought in the end there wasn't any pilfering.

What?

Well, I borrowed the £20. Carol's baby ate the Fiver.

They found the biscuit pencil down the back of the radiator.

There was the shampoo. And Gavin's soap on a rope.

But, in the end I narrowed it down to four people.

And oddly enough, they were part of a little group

that handed in their notice at the end of the meeting.

What, all of them?

Yes, I'm not sure they weren't working as a team.

Anyway, they've all gone now.

That's alright then. -So hopefully no more pilfering.

I thought there were six of these?

Of what? -Kit Kats.

There's one missing? Was it you darling?

I don't think so. -Are you sure?

Well, fairly sure. I've got these.

There was definitely 6 this morning.

I think I'd better have a word with the children.