Original subtitles

Do you know how many people we had off work yesterday? Eighteen!

18 out of a staff of 34.

That's about average, isn't it?

But the big question, my darling is not how many, but why?

Why are they not coming into work?

Have you asked them?

That is brilliant.

What is?

Out of the mouths of babes. Of course, that's precisely what we need.

Dialogue. Talk to them. Brilliant.

I've taken the children round to Pam, she'll keep them till tomorrow morning.

Children?

Uncle Simon, darling. Remember?

My word, Uncle Simon? That's come round again quickly.

You don't mind, do you?

Of course not, darling. It's one of the many reasons I admire you.

There aren't many women who'd cheerfully give up a whole day,

every month to look after a bedridden 73 year old uncle.

Are those new?

I think they probably are, yes.

You were talking about him in your sleep, you know? -Was I?

You said Simon, Simon, let me do it for you. -Oh!

Could you? -Of course, yes.

You also sounded quite upset.

You were moaning a lot.

It can be rather distressing. I probably won't be back till quite late.

I have to give him a bed bath, massage,

cook a pie for tomorrow, you know.

And I always like to give the place a thorough clean from -- top to bottom.

Do you know what you are? -What?

You're a Saint that's what you are.

But why are they sick. Angie? That's the one that interests me.

Well, most of them just phoned in and said they were feeling poorly.

Except Lawrence. He just said he's not coming in any more.

I'm not convinced, Angie. I think the real reason these people

are staying away has got nothing to do with illness at all,

and I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps it isn't my fault.

I mean, yes, I can run this place efficiently.

Yes, I can keep its administrative machine humming.

But, if my staff have problems can they talk to me about them?

Do they know they can just come through those doors

and tell me their deepest, most personal fears?

I'd have thought not.

In which case I've failed, Angie, haven't I?

I can't have been making myself -- available.

Well, now you come to mention it...

And talking it over with my wife this morning, the answer came to me. -- Here.

To all staff re sharing and caring clinics.

It is my intention to have a quiet informal chat. Oh my God.

I reckon, Angie, if we have 2 people every night, we can get through

the whole staff within a month. One to one dialogue. No holds barred.

Starting 5 o'clock this evening.

Haven't you got someone coming to give a lecture at 5 o'clock?

Good point, Angie. Let's move the first one to 6:30, shall we?

But that's Patrick. Well, he'll want to go home to his wife.

He's only been married a fortnight.

Well now Angie. I wonder what Patrick's wife would really prefer.

A husband who came home on time,

or someone who was a little late, but who radiated that inner content that comes

from sharing a problem with a sympathetic ear.

Precisely.

I think we'll find there are people in this

building with problems we can't even dream of.

Carol, are you alright? -Yes. -Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so worried about everything.

Losing the car. Selling the furniture. And now the baby isn't feeding properly.

I thought you said your mother was managing rather well.

She went into hospital for a hip replacement this morning.

So, who's looking after the baby?

Carol, you haven't?

You know what Brittas said.

If he found it in here again, he'd confiscate it.

Look, why don't you take a few minutes off and have a nice cup of tea?

I can't leave the desk.

Don't worry. I'll look after it.

Is someone looking after you?

No, I wondered if you...

Carol? Carol? I do apologise.

Well, I only wanted to...

I'll see if I can find someone.

Carol, what's the problem?

I brought her in here, Mr. Brittas. -But she's supposed to be manning the desk.

There's no one manning the desk.

She's a little upset. She's got a few problems at home.

Problems eh?

But I think she'll be fine with a nice cup of tea.

Problems, well, I'm not supposed to be seeing her until 5:30 Wednesday.

But I think in a good cause, we can bend the rules a bit, can't we?

I'll just go and check everything is alright at the desk, shall I, Carol?

Good idea, Laura.

Right then, Carol, what seems to be the problem?

Can I help you?

Thank you. I wonder if anyone's found a...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He belongs to the receptionist. She's not supposed to keep him in there, of course.

I'll be straight back. Okay.

I think this could be a longish session, Laura. I'll just take her up to my office.

Where's she gone? -Sorry?

The girl in charge of the desk.

Well, I'm not sure.

Alright, Carol, you go on up. Get Angie to make you a cup of tea.

I'll be up in a minute, alright?

Right, sorry about that young man. We're a bit short staffed.

How can I help you?

Well, I think when I came in yesterday I left ...

Ah, Laura. There you are. -Where's Carol?

I told her to go on up. If you could just take over here.

I'm taking an aerobics class, Mr. Brittas.

Right, I'll get Angie to find someone, then.

Now, you were saying, young man?

Well yesterday when I came in, I lost a...

Excuse me.

Hello. Leisure Centre. How can I help you?

Do I sound like Carol?

Her husband?

I'm sorry, I thought you ran away to Spain with another woman.

Well, I don't want her upset, alright.

She's in a very delicate emotional state at the moment.

Hello, Angie, I've got a call for Carol on seven. It's her husband.

And could you organise someone to take over at Reception? Thanks. Bye.

Sorry, you were saying young man?

Thank you. I wondered if anyone had found

a tie in the changing rooms yesterday.

A tie? Right. Now we're getting somewhere.

Let's have a look, shall we?

Excuse me, I've got...

I'm looking after this young man at the moment, I'm afraid, sir.

Hello Gavin, yes, sorry to disturb you. I'm at reception with a young

man who says he may have left a tie in the main changing rooms yesterday.

Could you? He's looking.

Look while we're waiting couldn't you just tell me where...

Yes, Gavin?

Oh dear, yes. It could, couldn't it. Who was on duty then? Do you know?

And where is she at the moment?

Ah, do you have her home number?

Right, thanks.

Caroline should know. Sorry about this ladies and gentlemen. Just bear with me.

Hello, Caroline. I understand yesterday you were on duty in...

Well, could I speak to Mummy please?

Well perhaps you could get Mummy out of the bath.

It is rather important. -Look, I don't want to cause any bother.

No bother at all, young man. it's what we're paid for.

Gavin. -Yes? -Can you tell Carol I've moved the baby to the ladies' loo.

The baby? -The mothers' changing area. She'll know where I mean.

Right.

No no no no no.

She said that she gave it to you, but it's not in its proper place in the locker room.

Well, what did you put it there for?

Mr. Brittas, have you seen Carol?

Ah, Gavin, could you pop down to the gym and bring me

the lost property box from under the vaulting horse in the gym.

Just get on with it, Gavin. We don't want to keep these people waiting, alright?

Right. -Right now, Tim. I think in future, if you put it in a proper place,

it might be simpler, don't you? Thank you.

Right now, while we're waiting,

perhaps you'd like to fill in a lost property claim form.

I think he wants me back.

He was ringing from the airport.

He's coming straight round. -Are you sure about this, Carol?

It was definitely his voice.

No, are you sure that you want him back? After the way he's treated you?

What do you mean? -Well, I'm not sure I could forgive a man who used my savings

to run away to Spain with a cashier from Safeway.

It was all my fault. I drove him to it. I was the one who refused him. -What?

At the office party, he wanted to, you know, on the photocopier.

And you said no? -I was such a fool.

If only I hadn't been so unreasonable.

But I was eight months pregnant, you see and I was worried...

Is that why he left? -Yes.

But everything's going to be alright now. We'll be able to keep the house.

I won't have to work. Ben will have a father.

And goodness me, I feel so much better.

We haven't done anything about Mr. Brittas.

What? Oh, yeah.

Don't bother.

I'm fine.

Are you sure? -Yes, there won't be much to do down there.

It never really gets very busy.

I know we keep those forms here somewhere.

Look, I'm not bothered, really.

Why can't you just use a piece of paper?

Ah, now that's exactly how trouble starts. If you don't do these things properly

you may as well do nothing at all.

Couldn't we just do nothing at all?

How about I give him £20 and he buys himself a new tie.

And a pair of roller skates with the change.

Please, please, we're nearly there.

Here they are.

Lost property box, Mr. Brittas.

Thank you, Gavin. Perhaps you'd take a look at this please.

It's not there. -Come on, you've hardly looked.

Really, it's not there.

Listen Squire. A lot of my staff,

not to mention myself have been to a great deal of trouble to try and find this tie,

and I think in view of the number of people

you've kept waiting, the least you can do is... -This is it. -What?

This is mine. Thank you.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. Thank you very much.

If you'd just like to sign that form then please.

Could I have...

One moment please, Madam.

Hello. Is that the police? Yes, it's the leisure centre here.

I'd like to report a theft.

A girl's grammar school tie.

Well, I think it's important. You start off with a sock or a tie,

the next thing you know it's cars and video recorders. Thank you.

Right, Madam, yes?

Please could I have two tickets for the pool?

The pool...

I'm afraid you just missed this session, madam,

and the next one doesn't start till 4.

But, we've been waiting...

I'll tell you what. The army camp sometimes do a family hour at their pool.

Let's just try directory enquiries, shall we?

Listen, dickhead. I've been invited to give a lecture here,

and unless you tell me in the next 30 seconds where I'm supposed to go,

I'm going to take you outside and set fire to you.

Mr Owen? -What? -Mr. Ken Owen, Tranquility Without Drugs?

Yes.

Gordon Brittas, manager of the Leisure Centre.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre.

Ah, Carol. There you are. Perhaps if you'd just like to take over,

I'll take Mr. Ken Owen to my office.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, Mr. Brittas.

I think our little chat must have helped then.

I'd like a squash court, please.

Court 3. Up the stairs, straight along the corridor.

Just a minute please.

He's gone. Where's my baby!?

Look, I'm sorry if I seemed a bit, you know, downstairs.

Not at all, Ken. I expect it was the long drive.

Sorry?

I find motorways impossible these days, don't you?

People shouting at you all the time

and waving their fists out the window?

What's all this then, Ken?

Well, my lecture is a personal testimony really. So I begin by

showing people the various drugs I once used to cope with stress.

Before you started these exercises?

That's right. And before I realised I was in danger of losing

the two most dear things to me in my life. My wife and children.

So I suppose you could say that I was really...

Oh, that's fascinating, Ken. It really is?

Laura. -I just wanted to check Carol was alright.

She's fine. Back in reception in great form. -Oh, good.

And dare I say the first success of our little scheme.

There was one thing though.

I was wondering if you girls couldn't get together

and give her a bit of advice about make up.

Wouldn't that be a bit personal, Mr. Brittas?

Well, you have heard the husband might come back?

Anything we can do to tip the balance?

I mean she's not exactly an encouraging sight at the moment, is she?

All puffy eyes and red skin. For all we know,

it's what drove him off in the first place?

Well, that's not exactly the case, Mr. Brittas. -No?

No. She told Angie that he left because

he wanted to have sex and she said he couldn't because...

Mr. Brittas?

It's Carol. -What? -She said someone stole her baby.

Oh, no. -Her baby? -Well that was me, I'm afraid. I asked Gavin to tell her...

You stole the baby?

No. I moved her to the ladies loo. She was frightened if you found it, you'd.

Frightened? What does she think I am, some kind of monster?

You know that's pretty well what she's saying down there.

I'd better go and find her.

I think it might also be a good idea if someone returned this baby to the drawer.

Don't look at me. She's running around the corridors with a fire axe.

Well, I think someone could at least... Ah, Colin, the very man.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas. I've still got this irritated bowel.

Never mind, Colin.

Honestly, if I could have got off the toilet for 2 minutes

I'd have phoned you but...

Colin. -Yes, Mr. Brittas?

I want you to go down to the ladies toilet. There you'll find a baby.

The ladies toilet?

Just listen, will you please, Colin. There, you'll find a baby.

I want you to take the baby and put it in

the bottom left hand drawer of the Reception desk, alright?

Are you sure about this, Mr. Brittas?

Why does everyone keep questioning

everything I say? Just do it, will you please.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Ah, Ken, you're sure it's worth unpacking everything like this, are you?

What?

I mean you'll have to put it all away again when we take you down to the Lecture Hall.

Lecture Hall? You said we were in here.

I asked you if this was where we were going to be, and you said yes it is.

Ah, slight misunderstanding there, Ken.

I meant this is where we are going to have a cup of tea and get to know each other.

That's one of the exercises is it, Ken?

Deep breathing and clenched fists?

Excuse me. -Yes?

Does Carol Parkinson work here? -Carol? Our receptionist, yes.

Do you think I could see her? It's rather important. I'm her husband.

Oh. Colin. How do you do? I'll go and look for her.

He's gone! -Sorry.

He's gone! Did you see where he went?

He went down there.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me.

I keep telling you Carol, it's alright. It was a perfectly natural thing to do.

I just had this red mist over my eyes.

I could have killed him.

I could have killed Mr. Brittas. -Yes.

Still, not to worry.

He's alright is he?

Yes, he seemed to sleep through most of it.

Look, I'm ever so grateful.

I suppose I'd better put this back where I found it.

Don't worry, Carol. I'll take care of the axe.

Would you? Only I'm supposed to be manning the desk.

Of course. And your husband's coming as well, isn't he? -Derek, I'd forgotten.

Carol? -Yes? -Before you go.

It's none of my business, but,

perhaps a little lipstick or something?

Why, what's wrong?

No. No, nothing at all. I just thought that...

Oh God, I can't face him like this.

He'll refuse to be seen with me. It'll be like Minehead all over again.

Can't I use my own projector?

It's the insurance, I'm afraid, Ken.

Where would we be if you burnt the building down or something?

I won't.

How can we be so sure, Ken?

Now you'll need one of these to make a click.

Click? -Yes, I'll put a leisure centre sticker on it.

Not everyone remembers to give these things back.

Why do I need to click? -Well, you see, we have a little code.

It's one click for lights off. Two clicks for lights on. Three for next slide.

And four to go back to the previous slide, and so on.

I've jotted them down here for you.

There are 14 of them. -Yes. You probably won't need them all.

Are you seriously suggesting that I click

14 times if I want the doors open for a bit of fresh air?

You can change the number if you're sure it wouldn't confuse you.

Why would I not just say -- could you open the doors?

You could. You could. I just didn't want to spoil the flow, that's all.

In the mean time, I have to transfer over 300 slides to your carousel.

Ken, I'm more than happy to help.

No, thank you.

There we are.

Oh, Ken, if there's anything else, don't hesitate to ask.

Ah, not again.

We're having a bit of a problem with our receptionist at the moment.

How can I help you?

Well, I was hoping to see my wife, Carol Parkinson.

So you're the one?!

I know what you must all think of me.

I've been a fool, I don't mind admitting it.

But if I could just see her. Plead with her for another chance.

Perhaps catch a glimpse of my son.

You've not seen the baby? -No.

Well, I may be breaking a few rules here, Mr Parkinson,

but we do have to have a human side, don't we?

Why don't you take a look in the bottom left hand drawer.

What?

Go on, it won't bite.

Take a look.

It's a baby.

Carol's baby.

Carol's?! But that's not...

It is. Actually, I'm not supposed to know about it, but it's hers alright.

Look, Derek, I may be out of line here, and you can say it's none of my business,

but may I make a little suggestion?

Why don't you, Carol and I get together and maybe discuss this

over a cup of tea or something and see if we can't sort it all out? -Sorry?

This impotence business.

Believe me, Derek, it could happen to a Bishop.

But it's no reason to walk out on a marriage. -What?

Just because you couldn't do it at some office party.

My wife said that?

We share our problems here, Derek. It's part of the glue that binds us together.

We're a closed, caring community.

You mean she's told everyone? -Mr. Brittas.

Not at the moment, Tim. I'm a little bit busy.

No, I think you'll need to hear about this one.

I'll be back as soon as I can, Derek. Take a magazine.

Mrs. Walters had her baby stolen from the ladies toilet.

Stolen?

I just left him in his buggy for a few seconds.

You're quite sure about this, are you?

It was just a few seconds!

Hello, is that the Police?

Tim.

Hello, Sergeant, it's the leisure centre here. Yes it is me!

He's here. -How do I look?

You'll have him eating out of your hand. -You think so?

Don't forget this.

Oh, he's got a clean baby-grow on and everything.

Well, I found some washing up liquid and just dried him off in the solarium.

Thank you.

Thank you all.

Everything's gonna be alright now, Ben.

Daddy's coming home.

Hello, Derek.

You bastard.

Derek? -I wouldn't come back to you if you were the last woman on God's earth.

Derek? -How could you?

Why didn't you tell me?

Swing low...

See if you can find this young man's mother, will you, Colin?

Carol, I forgot to tell you your husband's arrived and he's --

he's gone. Where did he go?

He's left. -What? -He's gone.

Why would he... Carol, what did you say?

I said "Hello Derek".

It must have been the way I said it.

Right, one last quick word before I hand you over.

You've no doubt all received my memo about my idea for problem surgeries.

Now, I was to be seeing Patrick and Mrs Delgardo this evening,

but unfortunately they're feeling poorly and have had to go home.

So, if anyone has an urgent problem they'd like to share with me,

there are two free sessions after the lecture, alright?

Now, without further ado, let me put you in the capable hands

of ken Owen for some practical advice on ways to avoid stress.

Over to you, Kenneth.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Can I have the lights down please.

That's two clicks, Angie.

And the first slide. -Three clicks.

Oh, that's me.

Ah... -Lights! -Five clicks, Angie.

I feel slightly responsible here, Ken.

I assumed you'd know to reverse the slides and load them upside down.

So, 300 slides.

And they're all -- wrong!

Well, you...

That should save a lot of time. -Ken.

And if we don't have any slides, I dare say we won't need our projector.

Ken, I think you've made your point.

I'm just coming to it. You know, all these years

I've been lecturing about special exercises.

But frankly, when you're really under stress you can't beat the old favourites.

These,

washed down with some of this.

If that doesn't work fast enough,

try some of the little green ones.

And therapeutically...

is to grab hold of the twit who caused all the trouble.

And knock the everlasting shit out of him!

Well, I don't think we'll be inviting him back again. -No.

No, he's going on the same list as that flower arranging lady we had last week.

Honestly, you'd think an expert in stress could cope with a few upside down slides.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

I mean, at first I thought he was illustrating the damage

stress can do, but it was the real thing, wasn't it?

I think it was real alright, Mr. Brittas.

Mister Brittas. -Yes?

We wondered if you could help us find our son, Peter.

He was here this morning looking for some lost property.

Oh, you mean the lad who stole the tie?

He just ran away from home.

We were wondering if he'd given any clue.

No, just went off with the tie.

Thank you. We mustn't take any more of your time. Come along, Doreen.

It's all your fault. You and your standards.

Well come along girls, we've all got homes to go to, haven't we?

Often. Sometimes. Never.

Never.

Oh, I thought you'd be in bed.

No, darling, just finishing off this quiz thing. - How strong is your marriage?

Do you know we scored 89 out of 90?

That's nice. Had a good day?

Not too bad, I suppose all in all. The lecturer was a bit disappointing.

What about you?

Oh, fine. -I can tell that just by looking at you.

Can you? -You've got a sort of a glow.

Well, I always find it invigorating, London.

In spite of having to hump a 73 year old around all day?

That's a nurse's uniform. -Yes.

And you're not a nurse.

No, I slip into it, sometimes when I'm visiting Uncle Simon. It reassures him.

It doesn't look very comfortable, darling. It's rather tight, isn't it?

It is quite, yes.

Still keeps his pecker up, poor old thing.

God, we're lucky, aren't we? -Are we?

I seem to have spent the whole day watching

families fall apart. Husbands walking out on wives.

Parents quarrelling. Children leaving home.

And coming home tonight, I couldn't help thinking, God we're lucky.

I think I'll turn in now.

One of the reasons I think we're so successful darling,

is that we talk to each other.

We tell each other how we feel. Well, I think that's rather important, don't you?

I'll see you upstairs.

Helen?

I was thinking, with both the children away,

perhaps we couldn't have--

an early night?

I am a bit tired, Gordon.

You said you were invigorated! -Invigorated, but tired.

Yes, of course. Actually, I've got rather a lot to sort out for tomorrow anyway.

Goodnight then.

Goodnight.

89 out of 90.

Score over 80. You are the lucky ones.

You and your partner have achieved a level of

passion and romance that most of us can only envy.

What about that darling? It says it here. You are the lucky ones.