Original subtitles

Then, at 12:45 the limousine will draw up outside.

I will go out meet the Duchess,

say a few words, put her at ease and escort her inside.

Once inside, I will introduce her

to various members of the leisure centre staff.

Yes, very good. Very nice, Linda. Well done, very smart.

Which brings me to another general point.

Personal freshness.

Some of us got up in a bit of a hurry this morning

and weren't quite as scrupulous as we might have been.

The thing to remember here of course is, think of others.

Then, at 12:48... Tim, you're wearing stockings.

Tights, Mister Brittas.

Well, it's cold out here. We've only got these little shorts and T-shirts on.

Tim, this building has a heating system that

cost the tax payer nearly half a million pounds.

It's those doors, Mister Brittas.

Alright, alright. So we get a bit of a draught from the doors.

Shall I get someone to have a look at them?

I don't think there's any need for that, Laura. You see they close eventually.

And we'll just have to be patient til they close again.

Right, at 12:48, when I bring her over to Reception, where Carol...

Yes, Mr. Brittas?

Where Carol gives her a few words of welcome.

Welcome to Whitbury Leisure Centre your Royal Highness.

We hope. We hope you will enjoy your visit.

Do we get a smile Carol?

Splendid. Everything alright at home is it? -Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Then we move on to -- where's William?

He's off sick, Mr. Brittas. Gavin's standing in for him.

Yes, well unfortunately Gavin's not black is he, Laura?

I'm sorry?

It's alright Gavin, I realise it's not your fault.

Well, you see, in my speech I explain

that our job here is to draw the community together.

Which is why we have a staff representative of all colours and creeds.

And I can't really say that if there's only one colour in sight, can I?

You could say something else.

Does anyone know a black person who can help us out?

Come on someone must. He's only got to stand in line for a few minutes.

At the Baptist Church there's a gospel choir.

We don't want to flood the place, Linda.

Gavin, what about that chap I saw you with the other evening?

I'm sorry?

The chap in the pub on Tuesday.

Oh, I... -- You said you went to see your mother on Tuesday.

I think you must have made a mistake. -No, no, tall good looking black chap.

Mr. Brittas...

I'm sorry Tim, really I am.

Laura, could you call an electrician.

There's something not quite right about those doors.

That looks nice, Mrs. Brittas. -Thank you.

You're not staying then?

I can't unfortunately. My youngest has suspected concussion.

In fact, if you could tell my husband I'll be at the hospital.

Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.

It's probably nothing. One just like to be on the safe side.

How's it all going downstairs?

Oh fine. -Good. -Well, there are one or two little problems.

But Mr. Brittas is dealing with them.

Why don't you leave?

I'm sorry. -While you can. -How do you mean?

You're a nice girl Laura. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

Mrs. Brittas, I don't...

You think something's going to happen?

Frankly, yes. -But he's planned today so carefully.

That's what usually does the damage.

Your little boy hasn't got concussion at all, has he?

No. Look, Laura, when my husband starts dealing with little

problems they won't go away, you just get bigger problems.

Problems. Problems. Hello darling. Do you mind, Laura.

No wonder it's so cold in here, the boiler's

not working. Actually, the boiler is

working but the boiler man hasn't a clue how to programme the automatic hopper.

And of course I haven't got time to read the entire manual.

Heating, heating, heating.

You've got a new boilerman?

We've had to replace quite a few staff in the last week.

What's wrong with the new man?

Oh, nothing really. He's an ex naval stoker.

He got some shrapnel in his head in Korea.

Good morning, it's Gordon Brittas here, the manager of the leisure centre.

I'd like to hire some industrial heaters, please. Today. This morning.

I'll take them all. Oh, in that case I'd better collect them then.

How big are they?

So that's seven cars, two members of staff to a car. That's 14 people. Oh dear.

Why don't you give the man a shovel? -Sorry.

Why don't you forget about the automatic hopper and give the man a shovel?

I'll get back to you.

Laura, you've met the better half haven't you? Not just a pretty face, you know.

There's a little brain working quietly away in there somewhere.

A shovel? So simple. -I'll tell the boilerman shall I?

No, I'll do that. He's an ex naval stoker. Wounded in Korea.

So Laura told me.

Well, pleasant though this is,

I can't stand around gossiping all day. I've -- my goodness me, what's that?

It's a bit of felt tip or something.

Laura, you'd better get some carbon tetrachloride if you could send out

for some and we might need a mask in this confined space. Who can I spare?

It's all under control, dear.

A wonderful woman. I told you, didn't I, Laura?

Well, let's see if I can't fire up the boilerman

with a few words of encouragement.

That's another thing. If you can just stop him encouraging people.

Has he given his talk to the staff yet? -Yes.

Did anyone walk out? -Three.

Oh. It was 14 at Aldershot.

I shouldn't have said anything.

I'm sure everything will be fine this time. I tried... Fine.

Hello.

Yes, I know it's cold, but I think if I'm given 2 minutes

I may be able to do something about it. Thank you.

Ah. -Hello. -Mr. Barnes? -Hello.

Mr. Barnes?

Good news, Mr. Barnes. No more worries about all these buttons and levers.

I've brought you this.

You see, we have a boiler here, Mr Barnes and several tonnes of anthracite here.

Need I say more?

Right, I want you to shovel it by hand, Mr. Barnes using this.

It's Chief Stoker Barnes, isn't it?

I've come down from the bridge Chiefie with

a message from the Admiral, and the situation is this.

We are chasing a couple of enemy cruisers, Barnes.

It's vital we catch up with them and attack.

We desperately need more steam and you are the only man

who could help us. Can you do it, Barnes?

Aye, aye, Sir.

Don't forget Barnes, the whole ship's company is relying on you.

Mr. Brittas.

Angie.

Laura phoned Michael and he'll be here in half an hour.

Michael?

A friend. A West Indian. -Oh, right.

Oh, and the builders, they'd like to see you in the swimming pool.

Ah, finished at last have they?

Oh, by the way, I think I've sorted out our Mr. Barnes.

It's just a question of knowing how to deal with these people, Angie.

I did a course at Wokingham.

Goodness me. Look at that. Wonderful, isn't it? All over this building,

small groups like that are preparing to show what this centre's all about.

Real people coming together to exercise and enjoy themselves.

I must give them a few words of encouragement, Angie -Mr.Brittas.

Because I think that you have something to show and teach us normal people.

After all, who's to say what's normal.

In some parts of the world, it's quite acceptable to be overweight.

You people have chosen to fight back and say no, I am not grotesque.

And I applaud that. I really do.

I think it's just another way that we at this centre

can show that with cheerfulness and enthusiasm, we can overcome any stigma.

So, keep up the good work ladies and dare I say it - on with the dance.

Salt of the earth, those people, Angie. Right, the swimming pool.

Look, lads, I'm sorry, we have to tell him.

Well, it looks alright to me.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

You've been working around the clock to try and finish it, but if the lining's cracked.

Brown Owl's not going to like it.

Couldn't we let him find out for himself tomorrow?

Listen, that things losing 400 gallons an hour.

By tomorrow this brand new leisure centre's

going to be floating off down the High Street.

We might not like the man, but if we don't tell him...

Well, does anyone deserve that?

Ah, workers of the world, would that we all had time for tea breaks, eh?

Mr. Brittas.

So, it's all finished, then and not a moment too soon, eh Laura?

Tell Colin to let the children in now will you.

The lads have worked all night to try and finish it, Mr. Brittas.

Good. Good. Now, a word in your ear, if I may, Patrick.

I couldn't help noticing some of your lads haven't

had recourse to a bar of soap or razor this morning.

Well, like I said Mr. Brittas they've been working all night.

Now, I hope you don't take offence if I mention cleanliness.

But you see my problem is the Duchess of Kent. - Eh?

As a personage of some importance,

I can't help thinking she deserves something

a little better than being greeted by people who haven't bothered to shave.

Oh well, I suppose I can fit you in the background somewhere.

Oh my God, what's that? Colin? Wait here.

They're not ours, Mr.Brittas. They're getting in through the fire doors.

This is a leisure centre for the community, Colin.

We can't have people strolling in off the streets.

Oi! You and you - out.

Laura, see these children outside and secure the fire doors please. -Mr.Brittas?

You'll find the change of padlocks in my office.

While you're here, Mr.Brittas. -Quickly, Colin.

Why can't I meet her?

I told you. Your place is up there behind the glass panel.

But she's my favourite Royal. I've always admired her.

If I could just -- shake her hand.

No. -Why not?

I think you know why not, Colin.

It's nearly healed.

It has not nearly healed, it's visibly suppurating.

No, it's just the banana poultice. There's no pus or anything.

I don't care what it is, Colin.

You are not shaking hands with the Duchess, is that quite clear?

Yes, Mr.Brittas.

I think the way you can help best would be to make sure those children got changed.

Yes, Mr.Brittas. The pool's alright then is it?

Yes.

The builders were a bit worried.

Well, they said nothing to me. Patrick?

Gone.

You know that's the third group of people to leave this morning.

I'm beginning to wonder if the Duchess of Kent was such a wise choice after all.

I just feel rather let down, that's all. -Oh, I know.

I mean, why would he say was round at his mother's

when all the time he's off with someone.

Anyone seen Brittas? -What?

It's getting very hot in the Viewing Gallery.

The toffee crisps have melted in the vending machine

and clogged up the coin slot.

You alright, Tim? -Still a bit upset.

Oh yes, of course.

I've been telling him he's got no reason to worry.

Haven't I?

Oh, come on Tim.

He was probably on his way to his mother's, met someone,

popped in the pub for a quick drink, that's all.

Well, why didn't he tell me?

You didn't give him much chance did you, storming off like that?

Do you think that's all it was? -Yeah, I'm sure of it.

Don't you think so, Linda? -Yes, course it was.

I'm always doing that. Jumping to conclusions.

Thanks. I feel much better now.

I was only trying to make her feel better. Well, no one told me the dog had died.

Well troops. Are you sure we've got time to be sitting around like this?

Mr Brittas?

In a minute. Linda. Tim, can I have a word?

That was a bit out of character this morning, wasn't it? -Sorry?

It may be just my imagination,

but I thought you were a bit tetchy in the line up?

Oh, that? No, that's all sorted out now.

Meant to be doing something with you, was he, young Gavin?

Yes, sort of.

Only he went to the pub instead.

Tim, life's too short to get worried about things like that.

If I had a pound for every time someone promised

to meet me and never turned up, I'd be Paul Getty Junior.

It's human nature. -Really?

I was unmarried once myself, you know? Used to go to the pub with me mates.

Have a few drinks, have a game of darts, a few more drinks,

go off for a takeaway. Next thing you know, it's 3:00 o'clock in the morning.

You wake up on the floor in some total stranger's flat.

What does it matter, eh, Tim boy?

I mean, it's not as if you're married to the man, is it?

Young Linda. What can we do for you?

What about the vending machine?

I'm the electrician. I've come about the doors.

Yes, good. They don't seem to be closing properly

and we're losing an awful lot of heat.

That should be the timing mechanism. I'll just go and get my tools. -Okay.

I'm sorry, Linda, they can't have it both ways.

One minute it's too cold. The next minute it's too hot.

Just tell them make up their minds, will you. -Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Carol, what exactly is going on here? -Nothing, Mr. Brittas.

Let's have it up on the desk, shall we, Carol?

I don't know what you mean, Mr. Brittas.

On the desk.

Mr. Brittas. I know you told me to leave him with my mother.

Carol, I think I'm known to be a fair man, but we cannot be feeding our babies

when the Duchess of Kent comes through those doors.

Do you know who that is?

I think Laura was talking to him.

I knew it. We cannot have the Duchess meeting people dressed like that.

I'm sorry but, but really, no.

What?

It's very good of you to come, but I'm afraid we don't need you after all.

But the lady said...

I know exactly what the lady said, but I'm afraid the fact is...

How much do we owe you?

The call out fee's �25.

�25! Alright, �25. There we go.

I'll give you a receipt, shall I?

I don't want a receipt. Just -- goodbye and thank you very much indeed.

Come on Carol. Time to go, your turn.

Mr. Brittas. If I lose my job...

Carol, you're not losing your job.

I'm simply asking you to take the baby away.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

And Carol, try and remember what we said yesterday about inner serenity.

Breathe deep, think calm.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Carol.

It's no good pulling the doors, Carol.

Think, what have we going to do to open them?

It's an infrared beam, Carol.

Are you sure there's nothing wrong with the pool, Mr. Brittas?

What? -The pool. We keep pouring all this water in.

Alright Colin. One thing at a time. Now just stay calm.

Colin, I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking Carol home. -Yes, Mr. Brittas.

You'll have to be a little bit careful. It's probably just hormones

but she's getting somewhat hysterical.

Right Mr. Brittas. Oh, by the way Laura asked me to give you these.

Let's concentrate on one thing at a time, shall we Colin. Just get her home, alright?

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Hello, Brittas. Ah, Swimming pool. What's the problem?

Well, he says keep filling it.

I just wish I knew where all that water was going.

What's going on, Laura?

It's the Saga badminton team, Mr. Brittas.

A couple of them have gone down with a heat stroke.

Heat stroke?!

It's even hotter downstairs.

Well, let's open a window, shall we?

I thought you said they were sealed for the air conditioning? -What?

Yes, so they are. I'd better have a word with that boiler man.

Why don't you turn the TV on, Laura? Find a cartoon or something.

You like cartoons? Jolly good.

Hello, Mr Barnes, I wondered if...

Yes, Mr Barnes, this is the Captain here, Mr Barnes.

Yes, speaking from the bridge, Mr Barnes.

Is anything the matter?

He thinks we're sinking.

Yes, Mr. Barnes. It's getting a little bit

too hot up here, Mr. Barnes, I wondered if...

Are you alright Captain, Sir?

What do you think you're doing? That's for the Duchess and the Mayor.

Well, I'm hungry.

They've been here since 5 o'clock this morning, Mr. Brittas.

It was the only time the ambulance could deliver them.

Well, you're going to have to wait.

You get tea and buns in the gym when the visit's over.

I'll give you all the power I can, Captain.

Sorry about that, Barnes. Barnes? Barnes?

I don't believe it.

Shall I go and have a word? -Better if I go I think Laura.

This calls for a certain amount of tact.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh my God! Linda, there's been an accident.

What are you doing? -He's unconscious, Mr. Brittas.

Electric shock. -Alright. Stand back. Stand back. Stand back.

He's unconscious. Call Laura.

Right, Mr Brittas.

He needs air. You'd better open the doors, Linda.

The doors don't open. We're waiting for an electrician.

We've already called one this morning. What happened to him?

Gavin, can you see if there's an electrician in the building please?

Right, Mr. Brittas.

You'd better open the fire doors, Linda.

They're locked, Mr. Brittas.

What happened, I came as quickly as I could.

Well, there's been an accident.

Michael!!

What on earth have you done to him? Michael. Michael.

Laura. Can I have your attention for a moment, please?

We need to open the fire doors.

What?

The fire doors. -You told me to lock them.

I know. Now I'd like to unlock them. Can have the keys please?

You've got them. -No I haven't.

I gave them to Colin to give to you.

Colin has the keys? -Yes. -Well, where's Colin?

Mr. Brittas.

Colin, do you have the keys to the fire doors?

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

The keys to the fire doors.

Right here, Mr. Brittas. -Well give them to...

Bring them round...

Stay exactly where you are. Laura, I want you to go up to my office now...

Linda, I want you to go to my office now and get the architect's plans.

Plans? -Just do it. There must be some way in and out of here

that isn't completely sealed up.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

I've got you an electrician, Mr Brittas. He says he can fix it.

This is a Boy Scout. You're not an electrician.

I've got my badge.

Alright, alright. Can you fix that?

Somebody's poked the wires out.

We know that. Can you put the bloody things back?

Okay. I'll just screw them back in.

Wonderful. Try the boiler room again, Gavin.

Tell him to switch the heat off.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Still no reply from the boiler room.

Never mind, Gavin. There must be a way out of here.

What about this ventilation shaft?

Why don't we call the Fire Brigade? -What?

Well, they could break the door down with a sledgehammer or something.

Oh, that's very helpful, that is, Laura.

The Duchess of Kent is due here in two minutes

and you suggest we greet her with a couple of hundred weight

of broken glass all over the floor?

Well, we've got to do something. We can't just sit here.

We've just gotta keep our heads and wait till young Kevin...

He'll never do it. We going to die. We're all going to die.

Kevin? How long do you think it's going to take?

One more wire.

There you are, you see? He's just got one more wire then the doors will be open.

We'll all be able to breathe the fresh air, the cool fresh air.

Mr. Brittas.

What?

It's Colin.

What does he want?

I think he wants to tell you the Duchess of Kent has arrived.

She's here everyone.

Quick. Come on. Get into line quick, Gavin, into line.

Into line everyone. Quick. Into line. Into line.

Don't you shake hands, Colin! Don't shake hands! Oh my God!

You can open the doors now, Mr. Brittas.

If I could open the bloody doors, don't you think I've done it by now?

Good afternoon, Your Majesty.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre.

I'm afraid we're having a little bit of trouble with the doors

at the moment, but we should be able to have them open in about...

10 seconds.

10 Seconds.

Then I can take great pleasure

in introducing you to various members of the ...

Oh my God.

What is it?

He's fainted.

I've got it. Into line. Into line. Into line everyone.

Colin, bring Her Majesty through the boiler room.