Original subtitles

WOMAN: I'm not driving you. GIRL: Please.

I said no!

Fine. I'm gonna miss English. Ooh, you better not.

I spend every waking hour paying for your fucking school fees.

And that's my fault, is it?

Obviously not.

Great. So if you're done blaming me for your decisions,

you can drop me at the station. Hey! Walk away from the car.

Alice, get your hands off the Corolla.

And pull your skirt down at the back. It's all hitched...

Hey, Mia. Hi, Sam.

No, no. 110%. Too easy.

Thank you. My pleasure.

Bye.

Sorry, it was the kid.

I don't wanna bore you with the details, but that little turd,

she was on fire this morning.

(SIGHS) So what did he say?

Readership's down, they're haemorrhaging cash

and someone's definitely getting the arse.

Oh, it's me, isn't it? It's you...

..or Stuart.

Can't you make him sit down?

You need to annihilate him.

Oh, I can do that. Yeah, but historically, you can't.

Yes, I can. Sam!

You're a better writer, you're a better human.

Nobody cares.

They want one piece from each of you.

Different advertorials.

A new-age float tank.

Sex toy for couples.

Oh, don't make me cry. I'm giving you the first choice.

Do the float tank.

You can spin gold out of that in your sleep, you love a bath.

I'm not topping Stuart with a float tank.

Give us the sex toy.

Toys, plural.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Whatever.

It's for couples.

Don't fuck me. Nah.

Yeah. You can count on me. (KISSES)

Hey, Stuart. Hi. Hey.

Nice to see you.

Stuart.

George!

Hey. Hey.

Sorry. Sorry, I'm late.

I don't care.

Hang on just a sec. (PANTS)

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Leish wants you to bring the sweet potato salad.

Yeah, no, she told me.

Mate, I need a favour from you. Can do.

I need you to masturbate into a machine for me.

Look, if it's any help, I'll also be wanking with a...

..like a complimentary machine,

same time. How would that help?

And, uh, both devices, they're sort of connected to each other.

I mean, not physically.

They could be in different countries, that's a whole idea.

Oh, this is for work. Can't I just write you a cheque?

Oh, mate, you know I would take your money,

but this is more than a bailout, this is actually my future.

Is it? Really? Yes.

Yes. My job is on the line.

Look, if I had access to any other cock at all, I wouldn't be asking.

But I am getting less skilled by the hour.

I am knee-deep in middle-age oblivion.

And the truth is, I don't give a shit.

I want to be invisible, but I also want to eat.

And I want to educate my kid and I don't want to be homeless.

OK. OK.

O... OK?

So...what I've gotta...

..put myself into... Yeah. It's just like a...

It's like a little fake vagina. (CHUCKLES)

It's in the back of the car.

Thanks again, mate.

Um...

..uh...

Oh.

I owe you one.

That is a bloody big box.

Feel flattered.

Also, I'm on a 48-hour deadline.

Oh, mate, it's pretty busy the next couple of days, it's chock-a-block.

I can't just... What about right now?

(SIGHS) (PHONE RINGS)

Yep. Uh, I feel like I've already failed.

It...it looks like...a thermos.

Um... Or a bit of PVC pipe.

Actually, that makes more sense. Yeah, I'm just gonna...

..read the instructions.

You telling me you don't know how to turn on a vibrator?

Oh, mate, this is not your usual vibrator.

Maybe you should put that in your article.

Yeah. Why don't you write it?

I will.

Oh, here we go.

I've got an instructional video.

I'm gonna watch this.

VOICEOVER: Welcome to a brave new world of sexual indulgence

where physical distance is no longer a barrier

and modern technology meets old-fashioned romance.

Am I supposed to just put it straight into that,

without any lube or...?

..adjustable clit arm.

Any user anywhere can control the vagina.

OK, well, I don't want to do that. I mean, who does?

Like, who are they talking to? Psychologically, I mean?

It's pretty reductive.

They clearly underestimate the complexity of male sexuality.

We've got to charge the fucking things.

(CHEWS)

I mean, seriously?

How hard is it to bang one out the old-fashioned way?

It's not that hard.

Oh!

Well, that...that feels incredible.

Oh, fuck! Mine's moving!

Is yours moving? (DING!)

(VIBRATES) Ooh.

Oh, yeah, it's doing something.

OK, well...

..what do we do now?

I'm just gonna go in. What, no foreplay?

Yeah, well, mate, you just keep up.

OK, hang on.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh.

Oh.

Alright, can you feel anything?

Oh, yep! Oh, I really can.

Yeah? OK, I'm just going to, um...

..have a little poke around.

If you feel something, you just tell me, yeah?

Oh, fuck!

Wow. Yeah, yeah!

Yeah.

Oh, my...God!

Are they, uh... are they happy sounds or...?

Yeah, yep, yeah... (MOANS)

Great.

OK, so I'm just gonna fire off a few questions as we go,

so I just get a sense of what the experience is for you.

But if it's too distracting, you just tell me 'cause I can...

I can save them all up for the end.

Oh, Sammy. So... Wait... Oh, my... (GROANS)

(MOANS) Oh, fu... Oh, can...

Oh, fuck. S...sorry.

Sorry. So... (GROANS)

Oh, fuck.

Sorry. (SIGHS)

Did you just...?

Yep, I really did... Oh, God!

Oh, you are fucking kidding me.

Oh, my God, I have not felt anything like that in my life.

That thing could end the human race.

Holy shit! It felt that good.

Oh, fuck. So sorry.

Oh, no. Sorry.

It's fine. I'm happy for you.

Oh, thanks, mate. (SIGHS) How'd you go?

You didn't even turn me on.

Oh.

That's...embarrassing.

Oh, who am I gonna tell?

Um...mate, just give me...

Give me 40 to an hour to reload.

Ah, mate, it's not your actual dick.

Oh, yeah? How good's that, eh?

Yeah. Yeah, that's really handy.

Oh, so I'm just, um...

I'm just hitting buttons, am I?

Yep. That's it.

(BEEPING) What's that? What's that doing?

Nothing.

Oh. Uh...

How about now?

Um, nup. Nothing.

Now? Nothing.

Ow! Good ow?

No, that's painful ow. Ow! What are you doing?

Well, it's a bit confusing.

It's like they don't want you to understand.

Well, I managed to work it out. (PHONE RINGS)

Oh, fuck. Sorry. That's my alarm. Hang on.

Oh, could you just turn it off? Yeah, I'm trying.

It's Tom.

I've gotta go pick him up. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

But, hey, at least we know both machines work, yeah?

So...so job done. I cannot write that review.

I cannot say, "The fake vagina works a treat.

"My mate blew in five seconds,

"but then he had to go and pick up his son

"so we will never know if the fake dick works."

Fair enough.

Oh, my God.

I'm running out of time.

OK. Midday tomorrow.

Thank you. Don't thank me yet.

Oh, jeez, it was easy getting into this thing.

It's proving a lot more difficult... I'm, um...

..to get back out. ..I'm just going to let you go.

Yeah, OK, I need both hands.

(SIGHS)

Wait, big boy.

(WATER RUNS)

(TAP TURNS OFF)

(SAM SIGHS)

Oh.

She's been in my room! Oh, fuck off.

Ella! She had shoes on.

Hey, pull your head in. You are literally insane.

It smells like dog poo. She didn't go in there, mate.

I swear to God. Back and forth and back and forth!

Ella, why do you provoke him? (GASPS)

Tom. Tommy. Hey, Tommy.

Hey, look at me. Tommy, Look at me.

Mate, it was me. I'm sorry.

I went in there to drop off some clean clothes, and I got distracted.

I'm sorry, I forgot. I will...

I'll disinfect it straight after tea, OK?

OK. Four breaths in... (BOTH INHALE)

..and out. (BOTH EXHALE)

And in

and out.

Let's just have a nice dinner, OK? Come on.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(DOOR OPENS)

Do you have to have your boobs out like that?!

Well, they float, so... Just put them away.

I...I genuinely, I can't.

You don't have to look at them so disgustedly.

This is really sad. You're projecting your body shame onto me.

How?

I don't have time to educate you. Where's dinner?

It's, uh, in the fridge.

Is it leftovers? Yeah. You know it is, baby.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(EXHALES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey.

Hey, mate. Sorry. Sorry. It's been one shitstorm after the other.

I've just gotten home.

The boys went to the wrong site, the bloody concrete came late.

Just give me a couple of secs.

Is it just work shitstorms or...?

Oh, it's pretty even spread.

We've hit another rough patch with Tom.

Oh, shit. Is it new meds?

No.

That's probably on the cards, though, yeah.

Well, how's Liesh?

Yeah, yeah. She's, um...

She's feeling it.

Yeah.

Well, give him my love.

Yeah.

Yeah, I will.

Do you...

..reckon this is something that we should have run by Leish?

Um, maybe you could have put that on the table

before I came into a machine, but...

N-no.

I mean... No, no, it's OK. Yeah. No, it's...it's fine.

I've already done it anyway, so...

Yeah, OK. Well, um, great.

Alright, so I've read the instruction booklet, you know,

cover to cover, so I've really got a handle on it now.

Was I supposed to read that? In a perfect world, yeah.

But I didn't expect you to, so I'm gonna walk you through it.

Are you in yet?

No, I gotta...I gotta put the phone down.

Oh, yeah. OK, so go on.

And when you're ready, we're just going to go back into your settings.

Yeah?

(EXHALES)

OK, I'm...I'm in.

Alright, great. Alright, so let's go...

No, hang on. I'll get my phone. Yeah.

OK, uh...I'm in settings.

Yep.

It's not lit up like before.

Why are you FaceTiming me?

Just answer it and show me your phone screen.

Are you...

..in bed?

Yeah.

So, uh, show us your phone screen.

Uh, y-yep.

OK, um...

Oh, yeah, see where it says 'Bluetooth'?

Yeah.

Yeah, and that little white dot on the right?

That was green before.

Fuck sake. Just...just push that.

Oh, yeah. (CHIMES)

Oh, yeah. Green again.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah. OK, let's get this party started.

Um, let's just, um...

Let me just set the tone here. Please.

Alright, so we're just going to take baby steps, alright?

And we're going to do it together.

Say no more. Oh, well, I will say more.

I'll say more about the remote. No, you probably should.

Yeah. About the remote. Yep.

So if you just think about it like it's...

..it's just like a video game or it's...it's like a TV remote.

Right. Right. You know?

You can. Here you go. You can go up.

OK.

Mm. You can go down.

Oh! Or you can go left.

Yep. And you can go right.

Just like driving a forklift. Yep.

Oh.

Phew. Ah.

Oh, OK.

So...up.

Oh, hello.

OK. OK, that's doing something.

Good something?

How about if I do this? Ah...

Is that better or...? Yeah, that's not bad.

Alright, how about if I do this?

Oh, fuck. Um...

I'm just gonna.

I'm just gonna turn the camera off.

Oh, that good?

Yeah, I just don't want to see your come face.

I actually happen to look quite handsome.

Ha! No, you don't.

How do you know? Leish likes it.

She's lying.

Alright, how about some, uh, some role play?

The, um, the... (SCOTTISH ACCENT) ..the tale of the simple-minded gimp.

Is that's supposed to be Irish?

It's clearly Scottish. Oh. You have a go, then.

Oh...

That's not gonna... Oh...

OK. Yep. ..happen.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

OK.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, fuck me!

Oh, my God. No wonder you came so quickly.

Oh, oh, oh! Thank you. Oh, fuck.

Oh, if you could just, um...

Oh, could you just turn me up?

Just...just...just a little?

Oh! Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh. Oh.

Is it, um...

..is it too weird if I, uh...

I want to see your face.

Oh, fuck.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I just...I am...

Oh, fuck. I'm right behind you. Oh. OK, slow it down.

Right there, right there, right there. Right there. Right there.

Could you just... Oh.

Oh, fuck. Turn me up!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus.

Oh! (DOOR OPENS)

Oh, no. Wait, wait! Stop! Wait!

No, don't... Fuck! Don't come... It's not what it looks like.

Jesus. What the fuck?!

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh.

(PANTS)

Shit.

(PHONE RINGS) G'day.

This is George from Creek Custom Concrete.

Sorry, I can't come to the phone right now. Just leave a message.

(BEEP!)

(GASPS) God!

Why aren't you at school?!

Half day.

How long have you been here?

Why are you out of breath? I'm not out of breath.

Have you been shopping?

No.

I'm sorry. I'm on a deadline, so just...just order what you want.

I failed my philosophy exam.

What?

Oh, not the ethics one. Oh, bub.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

(SNIFFS)

What is that smell?

What smell? You smell like... (SNIFFS)

..plastic or Play-Doh.

Oh. I'm getting sushi.

(SIGHS)

Fuck.

(EXHALES) P-p-p-p-pah.

(CLOSES OVEN DOOR) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, my God. You're making dinner? Oh, no, it's just a salad.

Oh.

We're supposed to be going to George and Leisha's tonight for dinner,

but, you know, if you've, um...

..if you've got a lot on or if you're not feeling that well or...

Why would you pull out this late and risk setting Tommy off?

I'm just thinking about you.

I'm fine.

Really?

I mean...I'm OK.

Can I drive?

I screamed, yes. I thought we were gonna crash.

We had heaps of room.

I'll tell you one thing, you are not driving home.

Why?

Why are you so jumpy? I'm not jumpy!

You are! Relax! I'm not! I'm not!

Hello, ladies.

Hello, lady.

How's school? Ask her.

It's the single worst decision I have ever made.

Oh, come on. We both know you've made much worse calls than that.

TOMMY: Alice, do you want ice-cream?

ELLA: Nope, she doesn't.

ALICE: Actually, I'd love some. Thanks, Tommy.

No worries.

Why are you being so nice to him?

I don't know. He's cute.

Fuck's sake, don't tell him.

So...how's work?

Oh, you know, same shit, different bucket.

They put me on advertorials.

More wine, ladies?

Yeah, it's pretty painful. Yeah, ta.

Yeah, just up to there.

But, you know, the last one,

very well received by the higher ups.

Only been out 24 hours

and already got more traffic than my last 12 articles combined.

So...

..still got a job, which is, you know, nice.

Just going to get the wine that I left...

Are you going to keep this shit up all night?

I am so...

What's he done now?

Actually, you know what? Don't tell me.

Whatever it is, just go give him a spray and sort it out.

Please, for my sake.

That dinner was shit, mate.

The kids had better banter.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

I'm so sorry. Just let's not...talk.

I'm gonna talk. I know you are.

I am so sorry that I made you do that.

You didn't make me do anything.

I just pulled out that homeless old lady card.

I mean, what sort of arsehole does that?

It was just that I was...

..I was desperate, and I wasn't thinking straight and...

I just need you to tell me...

..have I fucked it?

'Cause I'd rather put Alice in care than lose you.

No-one would take Alice.

(CHUCKLES)

Leish caught me red-handed.

Shit.

She got...got a hell of a shock.

Don't worry she didn't see you. No, I wasn't thinking that.

You fucking were. Yeah, I know. I was.

Oh, God. Sorry.

Anyway, worked out pretty well.

How?!

Well, I told her that, um...

..I was thinking about her the whole time and that I missed her and...

I don't know if it was out of

lust or pity or just plain confusion, but...

..she hasn't fucked me like that in years.

That's pretty beautiful.

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

I love you, mate.

Yeah, yeah. I love you too.

You do look pretty handsome when you come.

Do I?

Nuh.

Not even a little bit. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

I closed my eyes when you came. Ho!

You didn't even see it.

It would've made your world shake. There I was going back and...

(CONTINUE CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

# Ooh...

# Only you

# Only you... #

Captions by Red Bee Media (c) SBS Australia 2023