Original subtitles

You know, the further back I go into this family tree thing, the creepier it gets.

Did you know that Great Uncle Phillip beheaded Great Aunt Isabell?

You know, the same thing happened in my family, too.

It was a bad combination of car sickness

and an electric sunroof.

Cousin Rupert, the first, married his sister. / Oh, now, that's creepy.

That was never proven. It was just a rumor.

Meanwhile, I'm sure their kids played one hell of a banjo.

Good morning. / Oh, honey, tell your father the good news.

Oh, yeah. There's four great movies at the Cineplex.

No, honey. The other news.

We paid for one and snuck in free.

Sweetie, sweetie, tell your father who's coming over after school.

Oh, yeah. I've got a new friend.

And does this friend exist outside of your mind?

Brighten! Does she, sweetheart?

Of course she does.

Gracie has grown and matured since I've been imparting my wisdom on her.

Honey, don't wipe your nose with your hand. Use your sleeve.

Mr. Sheffield, the doctor called to confirm your 3:30 appointment.

Thank you. / And?

Happily married, not Jewish, wears Bergenstans.

Why are you going to the doctor? Is everything okay?

Just getting a physical and a stress test.

Meanwhile, I've got a cousin -- / Oh, God, she's got a cousin.

Shall I push your appointment back an hour, sir?

All I'm saying is that you can never be too careful.

My Cousin Reed, 35, worked out every day

-- no salt, no sugar -- walks out of a health food store -- bam! Dead.

Heart attack? / No. He gets hit by a wheatgerm truck, you know.

And the moral of this story is? / Everything has to have a moral?

What am I? Mother goose?

I know something you don't know.

I'm not the least bit interested, Niles.

Nanny Fine is in the will. / What? How do you know?

Cleaning the extension phone.

Would you stop singing.

Am I in it? / Fraid not.

Oh, that golddigger.

Well, she'll end up with nothing. I'll contest it.

What's he leaving her? / The children.

He's leaving her the --

well, poor girl deserves to walk away with something.

Oh, where's Mr. Sheffield? He wanted to see me. Oh.

All right. Listen up. I have pulled a major coup.

Oh, well, that will heal itself.

But for the next couple of days, sleep on your side and wear boxer shorts.

I'll file that in the appropriate place. Thank you, Miss Fine.

Anyway, back to what I was actually talking about.

Doug Emerson is coming to dinner tonight.

Oh, well, that was one schlepp down the stairs I could have lived without.

Doug Emerson? I thought he would never leave Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I didn't know they were together. Maybe the schlepp was worth it.

Nanny Fine, Doug Emerson is an investor,

and if you have nothing intelligent to -- listen to me, if. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ohhhhh, well, if Doug's coming tonight, I better go change.

And I thought she had to wait for a full moon. / Ahhhh ... haaaa ...

So, Mr. Sheffield, you wanted to talk to me about something?

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, I have an important proposal to make.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, a proposal?

Oh, boy, I'll never doubt that Jean Dixon again.

What do I do first? Call my mother --

no, call the electrolysis.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, this is very difficult for me to say.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're really throwing me through a loop here.

I mean, we're not even on a first name basis.

Since you've been so wonderful with the children,

I'd like to put it in the will that you continue as their nanny

just in case something happens to me. / Ohhhhh ...

Well, Mr. Sheffield, I'm really moved to tears.

But I don't want to talk about wills. Toi-toi.

I could give that Jean Dixon such a slap interest.

Honey, you're involved in a dysfunctional relationship.

I know the kind. All his friends are more important to him than you are.

He's selfish. You should just dump him.

She can't. He's got all of her stickers. / Oh ...

I'm home. / Oh, "B" wait a second.

Come here and say hello to your sister's friend Erica.

Hi, I'm Brighten.

Okay. So, um, I'm going to go get a soda now.

Me too. He's a God.

Erica likes Brighten? She really is on the rebound.

Oh, honey, to you he's an obnoxious brother, but to other little girls,

he's 79 pounds of pure studmuffin.

Euuuuu ...

Next thing you know, she'll let him play with her pogs.

Well, look, if she's that fast and loose with her pogs,

she's going to get a reputation.

Niles, pour me some more tea.

I want some more tea, Niles.

You are a butler, now buttle.

Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?

You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile. Now pour.

Cee Cee! / Maxwell?

Don't speak to Niles like that. The poor man isn't a mind reader.

But Maxwell ... / Oh, it's all right, sir.

Perhaps my hearing isn't what it once was. Forgive me.

So, Niles, about dinner tonight -- / Oh, I've outdone myself for your new investor, sir.

Gorgenzola salad, stuffed pork shops, potatoes au gratin.

No. No. No. It seems Mr. Emerson is recovering from a bypass.

His doctor FAXed over his American Heart Association Diet.

It's got to be followed to the letter, I'm afraid.

Oh, something smells good. What is it?

Oh, nothing, just a chocolate souffle that's been rising. Don't need that.

Niles, come help me pick out a tie, would you, old man? / Yes, sir.

I've got 15 minutes. Why don't I just knit you a new suit?

I think it's sweet. He wants to make sure you'll still be his nanny even after he croaks.

Val, toi-toi.

He just wants to draw up some papers, make everything legal.

Why? What's he afraid of. / Oh, I don't know,

something about his relatives contesting the will,

saying that he was insane at the time that he hired me.

What's this? / What's what?

It says "American Heart Association Coronary Care menu."

What? Give me that.

Oh, my God. Val ...

First, the doctor, then the will? Now this.

What are you getting at? / Why didn't he say something?

What? What? / Val, I'm going to be a widow.

Honey, you're jumping to conclusions.

Oh, oh, Niles, Niles, do you know anything about this?

Yes. And if I don't follow it to the letter, Mr. Sheffield's going to have a coronary.

Fran, I'm so upset. / Oh, honey, I know. Be brave.

Look at the size of this zit. / Zit?

Do you have any cover-up in your purse? / Oh, sure, honey.

I've got -- I'll do -- I'll fix --

Nothing's going to harm you, not while I'm around.

Oh, honey, what are you doing here all by yourself? Where'd Erica go?

I don't know. But Brighten's in the bathroom.

She probably followed him in there.

Oh, sweetie, now don't exaggerate.

Get out!

It's not fair. She's supposed to be my friend.

Honey, an adorable brother could be a ticket to popularity.

Look at Shirley MacLane and Warren Beatty.

Do you think that if he wasn't her brother she would have a date in any life?

Come on, have I ever steered you wrong? / What about that home perm?

Meanwhile, you were quick to grab the prize at the Howie Mandel look-alike contest.

Erica, get away from that door. Brighten's going to be in there a while.

The brassiere section from my Penney's catalogue is missing.

Hey, Erica, you want to go upstairs? I'll let you use Brighten's tooth brush. / Cool.

Can you believe she followed me into the bathroom?

Meanwhile, did you put the seat down because

Miss Babcock fell in again.

It wasn't me. I don't know who keeps leaving it up.

Brighten, you're not taking advantage of this situation.

You've got a girl who worships and adores you. Honey, you gotta do the right thing.

What? / Make her your slave.

Cool.

Niles, there's a messenger coming to pick this up in a few minutes.

No! Are you insane? / It's all right. I've got it.

Let go. / No, I've got it. / Let go. / All right. Ohhhhhh ...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Well, Miss Fine, while I'm waiting for the throbbing to subside,

have you given any further thought to that little matter we discussed?

Is it that urgent? / Well, I'd certainly rest easier.

Oh, look, he's stopping to smell the roses.

Oh, Val, thanks for coming back. I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

Please, how hard is it to wait for two trains, a bus, and cut through Central Park at night?

Oh, cause you know I'm just so beside myself with this whole Mr. Sheffield dropping dead situation.

Tea? / Sure?

I mean, why is he even having this dinner party? He's in such denial.

And, you know, they're going to ship me and the kids off to his sister's in England.

England? With all that rain? What are you going to do there? You know you friz.

Oh, my God. Now you know how upset I am.

I didn't even think about my hair.

What am I going to do in England? I'm gonna have to learn a whole 'nother language.

Besides, the truth be told, the kids are much closer to my side, than his.

They may look British, but they think yes, Yiddish.

Have you thought about the funeral arrangements?

Oh, I forgot about that.

Now I'm going to have to figure out flowers, food ...

how he wants to spend the hereafter?

You know, we put Uncle Louie in a gorgeous urn.

Maybe we should stick him in that? / Where'd Uncle Louie go?

Oh, my mother took a couple of Dexatrim one day

and got on to a real cleaning jag.

P.S., Uncle Louie's spending eternity in a Dirt Devil.

Well, if you need a place for the funeral, my Cousin Gino just redid his parlor.

He bought out the Chinese restaurant next door.

I don't know, Val. A funeral in a Chinese restaurant?

What happens? You cry your eyes out, and an hour later you want to grieve again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Franny ...

Stop it. Stop it. No, it's not nice. Poo-poo, poo-poo. / Poo-poo, poo-poo.

Oh, but it feels good to laugh. I needed that release.

Miss Fine Oh, hello again, Miss Tortello, long time no see.

Miss Fine, could you give me a hand with this cuff link?

Mr. Sheffied, could I ask you a couple of questions? / Uh-huh.

If you were, let's say, taking a nap on the couch

where people might, oh -- I don't know -- line up to see you,

would you be more comfortable in a suit or something sporty or, let's say, waterproof?

What is this? Another "Cosmo" quiz?

I promise, it's the last one you'll ever have to take.

Oh, that must be my investor. All right. How do I look?

You look great, just great.

Doesn't he? / Ahhhhhh, boy.

Oh, he's at death's door. / Oh, I gotta be strong.

Franny, my heart goes out to you. What are you going to do?

What can I do? I'm just gonna have to be my usual charming effervescent life of the party.

Sorry, Doug, you'll have to excuse us. This isn't a typical evening.

Yes. You're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters."

So, so tell me, Doug, what's the real story behind Faye Dunaway in "Sunset Boulevard," huh?

All I know is I have the distinction of being the only person who ever

lost money with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

You do know that he's been knighted, don't you? / Oh, he do.

You know, everyone in the Sheffield family tree has a title of Sir or Lord in their name,

except for Dad and Uncle Bill, who thinks he's a leprechaun.

Thank you, Margaret.

Mr. Sheffield, butter? / No, I already have some. Thank you, Miss Fine!

You're not going to eat that, are you? / Why not?

Ah, because it just fell on the floor.

Sour cream for your potato, sir? / Yes -- / No.

May I have that, please.

Oh, my God, fire. / What?

Oh, my mistake. I must be hallucinating.

Niles, what kind of mushrooms did you put in that soup?

Miss Fine, will you pass me the salt, please.

I think we're all out. / No. It's, it's right there in front of your face.

Oh, all right. Here you go.

Miss Fine, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Please pass the blasted salt.

Thank you. So, Doug, Andrew's loss is our gain, huh?

Here's to a long and fruit --

Miss Fine, what are you doing? / Oh, it's okay. It's blow fish.

I'm just cooling it off for you.

Well, don't. / Well, fine.

Burn your mouth, but quit hogging the salt. Here.

Oh, thank you. Everything is so delicious. I don't eat like this normally.

Um, I'd -- I'd like to make a toast. / What a good idea.

Hollendaise? / Oh, yes, please.

May we sweep the Tony Awards and enjoy a tenth year --

Have you lost your mind? What are you doing?

Well, egg is such a good ...

It's such a good moisturizer, and my hands have been so dry lately.

Miss Fine, could I -- could I have a little word with you?

Sure. Go ahead.

In the kitchen, please.

I just have to show him where the toothpicks are.

What have I ever done to you? Why are you trying to destroy me?

Me? I think you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself, Sir Hollendaise.

You know, when you first came to this house, I thought, oh, she's nuts.

But then we began making progress.

I, I actually thought I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't go towards the light.

You're actually insane.

Have those chemicals you use to color your hair finally seeped into your brain?

I don't color my hair. I just put on a layer of dark highlights.

I'm calling a doctor. / Why? Are you okay? Don't you feel all right?

You're scaring me. / Mr. Sheffield, don't be scared.

I'll never leave you. / Now you're terrifying me.

Why can't you follow the menu from your cardiologist? You know, you're just like my mother.

She thinks that if she has an M & M with a glass of water, it's like taking a One-a-Day.

Miss Fine, this is Emerson's diet. I'm in perfect health.

The only coronary I'm going to get around here is over you.

So you're not gonna to die? Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

oh,because, you know, I don't know where any of the policies are.

I don't want to go through your drawers and find out

that you've been keeping another nanny on the side all these -- huh?

You know, strange though it might seem, this is actually beginning to make sense to me.

I'll just go in there and tell him you're off your medication.

You know, it's really kind of funny when you think about it. / What?

Well, you know, Emerson, you're saying is the guy with the heart condition. / Yeah.

But, meanwhile, I've been putting all of your sauce and butter and cream on his plate.

You know, Miss Fine. There are many ways a producer can lose a potential backer.

He may dislike the show, hate the casting,

but death by nanny may actually be a first.

Well, he's not dead yet.

Believe me, if there was anything that I can do to trade places with him,

I wish I was lying in that bed with tubes coming out of me --

although I didn't force the food down his throat.

It's all right. We've nothing to worry about. / Oh ...

You spoke to the doctor? / No. The bank. The checked cleared.

Maxwell Sheffield? / Yes, yes, yes yes -- how -- how is Mr. Emerson?

Absolutely fine. Just a severe case of gastro indigestion.

Must be something he ate. / Well, not necessarily. Stress could do it to you too.

My friend Val used to sing the National Anthem at assembly solo.

She would get so stressed out --

well, when she got to the part the "bombs bursting in air,"

let's just say she didn't need a tympany.

All right, Miss Fine. Let's go home.

You know, life is so strange.

One minute you're eating dinner; the next minute, you're fighting for your life.

I'll tell you, it's like Shakespeare once said,

"Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives."

Well, Miss Fine, let's go back, see the children, let them know everything's all right.

You know, I love those kids so much

that as soon as we get home, I want to sign that will.

But what happens to them if I go first?

Then I get to keep them.

You see, Miss Fine, they are my children.

But what if I'm the one -- / No, no. I promise, I'm going first.

There. Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Now take it away. I never want to see that will again.

Were our names mentioned anywhere else? / Let me see that will again.

I just want to make sure that I dotted my "i."

Nope, no, no. Little smiley face and everything. / Uh-huh.

No matter. I'm taking the silver anyway.

Look at that, you've got a wall safe just like in the movies.

Boy, I've been here over a year, and I never knew that was there.

Let's see, right ...

left ...

right -- what was it?

Forty two, right.

Well, good news, "B," that little Erica made up with her old boyfriend.

She didn't want to give up half her Barbie Dream House in the settlement.

Oh ... / Right. Yeah.

It's so pathetic. This geeky little kid drooling all over you. / Well, you know ...

Hi, Fran. / Hi, honey.

This is my friend Pamela. / Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Brighten ... / Ohhhhh ...