Original subtitles

Man, do they realize how many times they could have gotten off this island if it weren't for Gilligan?

Why don't they just kill him?

Just because a person is a useless pest doesn't mean they deserve to die.

Hello, hello. / Of course that's not written in stone.

Brighten, are you still sitting here?

Doesn't Miss Fine have anything to say about you wasting all day watching television?

Did Lovey redecorate the hut yet?

Miss Fine, why has Brighten been watching this "Gilligan" show all morning?

Well, it's a marathon.

Plus, we want to see when they change the theme song from "All the Rest" to "The Professor and Marianne ..."

Brighten, don't you have any interest in a team sport?

Only as an owner.

Oh, I don't know. I just don't understand it, Miss Fine.

When I was his age, I was already captain of the water polo team.

Water polo? What do you swim with horses?

What happens when they raise their tails? Look out.

Aspirin, Ibuporfen, or shall I just surprise you?

You know what? I gotta go into Queens anyway.

Why don't I just take Brighten with me to the batting cages.

A lot of guys always hang out that. I know I always had fun.

You played baseball? / Yeah.

I just wish Brighten was interested in some of the sports I played.

Look, you can't make your kid like what you like.

My mother always made me go with her to her ballet classes.

Your mother took ballet? What must that have been like?

Picture the hipopotamuses in "Fantasia."

Hi, Ma. Well, so much for sports.

Brighten got hit with a ball.

Oh, those batting cages are so dangerous.

You could put an eye out.

He wishes. / Ohhhhhhh ...

You want grandma to kiss the boo-boo?

Isn't it enough I got one kid in therapy?

Honey, go in and watch the "Gilligan" marathon with my father.

If it looks like he's wearing lipstick, it's just the pistachio nuts.

Morty, the boy's coming in. Do up your pants.

Sweetheart, we gotta talk to you about the canasta tournament.

Oh, I'm so excited about going to Atlantic City.

But I'm not rooming with Gert. It's one thing to think you're Madonna.

It's a whole another thing to wear your Depends on the outside.

Don't worry. We're out of the tournament.

Gert moved. Her youngest bought a mother-daughter condo in Florida.

Why? I mean, how nice.

Now we don't have a fourth.

I'll look in my phone book. Maybe I can find someone else.

Tessie Fink, she's good. / Ma, she's dead.

She is? I just saw her in temple.

Didn't you think it was odd that you were sitting in a chair

and she was lying in a box?

Oh, I thought they got that for her back.

Morty's nauseous. He says he wants the leftover Chinese food to settle his stomach.

Morty, it's been in there a week. Do you want to end up in intensive care?

You ate it for breakfast, Ma? / Yeah.

She doesn't even bother to warm it up.

She sticks her fork in, pulls the carton off,

and eats it like a giant Chinese Dove bar. Ahhhhh ...

So tell me, what episode are they up to?

Ah, Marianne thinks she's Ginger.

Oh, and she cut down all Ginger's gowns. Oh, that gave me nightmares.

It scared her more than "Psycho."

Yes, butchering Janet Leigh was nothing compared to butchering that strapless Oleg Cassini. Hu-huh.

There is no excuse for violence like that on television.

This is a lot like rummy, right? / It's much more complicated.

You melt? / Yeah.

Two decks? / Uh-huh.

See if you can keep up with me because I have a tendency to play too fast.

I'm out. / Wow, B, that's amazing.

I've never seen anything like that.

He must be one of those special people that has a knack.

What are they called? / Idiots.

Savants, Yetta. Cousin Marty was an idiot.

Although, he could look up in the sky

and tell you which pigeon was going to poop on him.

Yeah, but did he move? No.

This is cool. All right, ladies. Cut the chitchat. Deal.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. That we should replace Gert with Brighten

and make him our fourth in Atlantic City. / Nah.

I shouldn't eat stuffed cabbage this close to a pilot light.

You know, dad was right.

It feels really good to be a member of a team.

Now, next week do I bring knishes or low-sodium bunt cake?

You know, honey, why don't you let me tell your father the good news about being on the team

cause you know he's just going to die, and I may not be far behind.

Ah, Niles, let me ask you a question. / Uh-huh.

If you only had one son

and he decided that he wanted to play on my grandmother's canasta team,

how would you react?

Oh, I've got to be in there for this.

I want to see, too. / Oh, what's your cover?

I can pretend I'm dusting.

Well, I'll tell him I need a book.

Amateur. You're not ready for that room.

Oh, sweetheart, the office is for heavy hitters.

Next time in the kitchen giving your father a coronary, you'll be the first I call.

Maxwell, perhaps I'm being overly sensitive,

but I think Niles has it in for me.

Cee Cee, it's just his way. He doesn't mean you any harm.

I'm sure it's all in your head ...

So, Miss Fine, back from the batting cages? How did my boy do?

Well, he made contact with the ball.

And he'll have a great career if the Bee Gee's ever get back together.

Would you look at her in the middle of the day. Boy, I wish I could sleep like that.

Maxwell, Niles hit me in the head.

Cee Cee, he's standing way over here.

Stop picking on the man.

She never let's up, sir.

Did you want something, Niles?

Can't the butler just come in and say hi?

All right. What are you two up to?

Nothing, nothing.

Well, baseball didn't exactly work out for Brighten,

but he did find a game, and he's very excited about it.

Well, there you are, you see, I told you there'd be an alternative to television. / Yep.

So, come on, what's the game? Soccer? Hockey?

Well, you need to fill me in. I need to know what equipment to buy.

Well, maybe a nice teflon bunt pan might come in handy.

Okay. I'm just going to spill it.

Because it's best to tell people stuff instead of letting it fester inside and then you babble on and on --

Miss Fine. / Canasta.

Canasta? Doesn't your mother and grandmother play --

Miss Fine, you're not telling me my son is joining your mother's canasta team?

No. It's Yetta's team.

Look, maybe you misunderstood me. I wanted him to play a manly sport,

you know, toughen him up a little. / Well, some of the teams have men, I think.

At a certain age the hormones go. So that's anybody's guess really.

Oh, God, this is sounding worse by the minute.

Next you're going to tell me they have a uniform.

Oh, well, now, they're very tough, masculine, pink bowling uniforms with a name on it.

Oh, no. It's going to be something awful like "Flushing Queens."

Oh, my God, you mean that's it?

What? My only son is going to be wearing a jacket

that says "Brighten" on the front and "Flushing Queen" on the back?

No. His will say "Gert."

Oh, I, I better take care of that. I better take care of that before

the contest in Atlantic City. / Are you insane?

You, you don't actually think I'm going to let him go.

And if you're going to pretend you're dusting there, at least put a bloody cloth in your hands.

Maxwell, if the child has a knack. I was good at hunting.

But mommy said I excelled at trapping.

Oh, take good care of your teeth, sir. You may need to gnaw off a leg some day

Mr. Sheffield, you're worrying for nothing.

I had a friend, Pauly Russo. He was raised by two grandmothers.

He turned out to be the most masculine of men.

You should see him today -- big black mustache, leather cap, chaps. Humm ...

Miss Fine!

Ma, all these cards are sticking together.

Ah, it's a little crystal light.

Now I'm in the mood for something sweet.

Well, here. Try this queen of hearts. I think it's got some Smucker's on the back.

You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think someone was marking these cards.

What?

Ma, you've been cheating all these years, and we still lose?

No hitting during the game.

I could fight my own battles. / Can we play? Hey!

Now you're part of the family.

I can't wait to hit the buffet tables in Atlantic City.

He's got a safari jacket with 14 pockets in it.

We'll never have to order room service.

Didn't you tell her?

What's the matter, Ma?

You got that look on your face like right before you weigh in at Jenny Craig.

Brighten, take this into Morty.

If it looks like he's wearing rouge it's just some residue from the barbecue potato chips.

So what's going on?

Gert's back from Florida.

She found an alligator in the pool.

She thought it was an inflatable one.

PS -- 80 stitches.

Wow. What does she think? She's going to waltz herself back in on the team? Tough.

Not after what I went through with Mr. Sheffield.

I'm not breaking that little boy's heart. I'm not telling him he's out.

Good. Cause he's not.

Well, who then?

Franny, you're such a pretty girl.

Oh, Mommy, fire that maid. She's too old.

Oh, she fished me out of that lake years ago. How long is she going to milk that?

Uh-huh.

No, no, I'm having lunch with Betsy. Ha, ha, ha.

Uh-huh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, wait till she sees me. I look like a million bucks.

Oh, all right.

Niles ... Yetta just called,

apparently Brighten showed up for practice without all his equipment.

Excuse me, sir, but I packed his gear myself.

Well, you forgot the Lipton onion soup mix and the non-fat sour cream.

Well, don't look at me like that, Niles.

I just wanted Brighten to be involved in something a little more virile.

Like musical theater? Well, at least your father was supportive of that.

Niles, don't you remember? He refused to come to my first production, "Sound of Music."

I staged that when I was just 17

and all because I wouldn't do what he wanted me to --

shut up, Niles. Book me a suite in Atlantic City.

Done, sir. Trump Castle, ocean views for the entire family, and I can't wait to hit the slots.

Well, mind you, with Miss Fine in the tournament, you'll have to take care of the children.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Oh, dear. I think I'm coming down with something.

It's getting worse.

Can't go. Damn.

Ah, Niles, you got any seltzer?

Oy, I had too much pickled herring. It's all right here.

Oh, my God. / Edelweiss, edelweiss.

All right, all right. You win, Miss Fine.

If Brighten really wants to play canasta, then I suppose I should let him to follow his dream.

Oh, what dream? Playing cards with a bunch of old ladies.

I think it's sick. / What? What about the tournament?

I thought you were thrilled to be going to Atlantic City.

That pit? / Oh, God, I can feel those capillaries tightening at the base of my skull.

Miss Fine, weren't you the one that was so high on canasta? What happened?

They threw me off the team.

They don't want to play with you anymore?

No. And it's not fair. They were my friends first.

You, you mean my son is on the team and you're not?

Yes.

Miss Fine, it's all right.

No. It's not. And I'm not going to Atlantic City either.

There, there, come on now.

We've already made reservations for the whole family. Isn't that right, Niles?

Oh, ah-choo.

No. / Saltwater taffy ...

No.

Your own suite, lots of little shampoos? / No.

Ringside seats to Steve and Edie. / Cocktail or dinner show?

Come on, baby, go, baby ... Go, Mama needs a -- mama needs a papa. That's what Mama needs.

Oh ... Ahhhhh!

You see, I told you, you have to stick with the same machine.

It's a whole system. God, there must be twenty bucks here.

Oh, Fran, you put in seventy five.

Yeah, but that was from the winnings of the hundred that I put into that machine.

Oh, you know, I better go pick up Gracie at casino camp.

It's about time. She must be finished playing kiddie craps.

Oh, I'll go pick her up. I have a tennis lesson anyway.

Tennis? Oh, all that running back and forth, back and forth.

Now that's a sport I never got. / Fran, there's the instructor.

Now I get it.

Fran, I hope you're not mad at me because I took your place on the team.

Oh, no, sweetie, I love you.

But she could look like Z.Z. Tutt before I ever pluck a chin hair of hers again.

Sweetheart, don't be angry at me.

I had to think of the team's survival.

Remind me never to crash in the Andies with you.

Sweetheart, you know I'd eat you last.

Not if I was the only kosher corpse.

Oh, boy, I hope you guys have tickets because, you know, they're sold out

We know.

Oh, my God,

didn't you teach at PS 165?

No. / Oh, gee, you look so familiar. What do you do?

We sing. / Oh, I get it.

You do them in that impersonation show. / Yes.

Oh, ya, you could pass. You know, the right lights, makeup, costume.

You, I don't know. / Oh, really?

Well, listen to this you're walking along the street ...

or you're at a party, or else you're alone and then you suddenly dig.

No, no, no, no, no. First of all,

you've got to put a lot more shoulder into it.

And you, you gotta look at him more adoringly. You love him, baby.

You looking in someone's eyes, you suddenly realize

that this could be the start of something big ...Hey, hey.

Not bad.

You just gotta work on that chemistry a little bit cause, you know,

that is the magic between Steve and Edie, see.

Thank you. / Good luck.

I told you, you have to look at me adoringly. / I always look at you adoringly.

People are starting to notice that.

Oh, it's so sad. Some people are living in such a dream world.

Wow, I can't believe all this food's for free.

Yeah. And if you count your losses, it only comes out to $49 a shrimp.

Right. Eat up. I lost my shirt in kiddie craps.

What are I doing? / What? I love three-bean salad.

What is this? Your first buffet?

Salads are for suckers. Go directly to the shell fish.

Oh, would you just look at this beautiful gulf prawn,

gorgeous color, great markings.

This will be delicious later.

Come on, everyone.

Hurry up. The tournament's going to start soon.

Miss Fine, where's your mother? Too nervous to eat?

Please, she had a snack during her hysterectomy.

Oh, is it warm in here or I'm svitzing?

Oh, honey, are you okay?

No. I don't think I can play. You better make up with your mother.

Well, what hurts? / Oy, I think I'm going through the change.

It's going around. The whole room's got it.

Well, don't worry, B. I'm sure that Flintstones make a chewable estrogen.

Honey, I know what you're doing, and it's so sweet of you.

Oh, come on, Fran, playing means more to you than it does to me.

Besides, I already told them I quit.

Oh, is he a doll or what?

Brighten, that's a very nice gesture. I'm, I'm proud of you.

I learned from the best. / Oh, well.

Not you, Dad, Gilligan.

Oh, yeah, that was the episode where the Howells adopt Gilligan,

only he pretends to sleepwalk because the skipper is lonely.

Oh ... Well, Miss Fine, come on, if the team needs you, I suppose you better get in there.

Are you kidding? The way my mother treated me,

she can come in here on her hands and knees begging,

I wouldn't go.

Franny, you're in. / All right.

What? Was that any mother?

Poor sick Niles, home alone like a dog.

You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.

Yetta, if you're going to mark your cards, at least do it smaller.

I can't believe Gertie defected to another team.

Ah, she's missing a chunk from that alligator bite. It's a big turnoff.

Well, at least we got ourselves a fourth. / Aha!

That's the card you're playing?