Original subtitles

Good afternoon. / Hi, Mr. Sheffield.

Maxwell, if you don't jump on this, someone else will. / Oh, she's bluffing, sir.

I am talking about using our company profits

to buy a dreamy little vacation house on Martha's Vineyard.

I can just see myself lying on the beach for days ...

Oh, I'm sure someone would tow you out to sea if your blow hole got clogged.

Cee Cee, I am not about to make such a large investment

without exploring all the options first.

Oh, I'm with you. My father once invested in one of those big tall men shops.

Oh, well, now those are very successful.

Not the one in Tokyo.

Fran, I'm ready to pick up guys.

Groceries, honey, groceries.

Kids. I don't know where they pick these things up from.

Miss Fine, you wouldn't seriously consider dating some total stranger

you picked up in a grocery store, would you?

Well, it's a fancy Park Avenue market.

I mean it's not as if I'm going to a mini-mart at a gas station.

Although Val did meet a guy there once,

but he only used her as a human shield.

Okay. Anybody need anything?

No, thanks, I do my shopping late at night.

Makes sense. If a man's hungry enough, any old thing looks good.

Oh, honey, honey, honey, go easy on the candy.

Your teeth are going to fall out.

Fran, baby teeth are supposed to fall out.

God made them that way so that kids could eat

all the sugar they want and be happy.

Nice try. Meanwhile, if God waas so benevolent, when you turned 30, your hips would fall off.

Everything you need to know about a man, you can find right in his cart.

If there's a box of Midol, keep moving.

Corn pads means he lives with his mother, learned that the hard way.

And if you see two guys with sweaters tied around their necks buying pesto,

save yourself the pain.

What about him?

Um, let's see, cabbage, chili, refried beans,

oh, one dinner with him and you'd spend the rest of the night blaming the dog.

Oh, excuse me.

This is, this is probably a stupid question

because obviously you've never been on a diet in your life.

Oh, me, hardly.

Get rid of the Dexatrim.

Are these fat free cakes any good?

Oh, they're delish, you know, you smear them with some butter

and then you fry them lightly on both sides

and then a squirt of whipped cream puts it right over the top.

Personally, I like whipped cream on everything.

Oh, ha.

Well, I'd be happy to give you a recipe for your wife.

I'm not married.

Fran, can we get these sugar... / Knock yourself out, honey.

That's a cute daughter you have there.

Oh, I'm not her mother. I'm Fran, her single nanny.

Hi. / Hi.

Glen. / Hi, Glen.

Well, let's see. I see bacon, pork rinds, Virginia ham.

Well, I know one thing, you're not a rabbi.

My cover is blown ...

You've got a great smile.

Fran, what about these... / Yeah, go for it, babe.

So we ruled out rabbi, and I can tell you're not a lawyer

Why can't I pass as a lawyer?

Well, not in New York, I mean, maybe L.A.

I work an Wall Street. / Oh, a stockbroker.

So what's the matter? Can't stay away from the market?

Fran, this one comes with a prize. I got lucky.

You and me both.

Um, Niles, you have really outdone yourself this time.

Thank you, sir. Another pop tart?

No, but I could go for some more of those leprechaun things.

They are magically delicious.

Um, look at this great picture of Marylou Retin.

I think it's actual size.

So, Miss Fine, where are you off to on your day off?

I'm going to the Hamptons for a lobster lunch

with the man that I met at the grocery -- told you so -- store.

And how exactly did he win your heart?

That immortal line, "paper or plastic"?

Oh, no, he's no box boy, much higher.

Does he use a hose?

That depends on how hot we get.

Hi, Daddy; bye, Daddy.

Well, I guess the breakfast just kicked in.

Oh, man, this is really scary. I'm dressed just like Snap.

Val once dated a guy that looked like Crackle.

Unfortunately, he popped too quick ...

Oh, that must be Glen, my stockbroker from the grocery store.

Niles, my butler from England, will answer it.

How do you like this outfit?

That's nice. You look very festive.

Festive? Carmen Miranda is festive.

Ms. Fine, you forgot your hat.

I'd like you to meet Glen Mitchell the stock.../ the stockbroker.

This is my boss, Maxwell Sheffield. / How do you do?

The Broadway producer.

This is an honor. I, I, I saw your last play six times. / Really?

Even the family only had to sit through it twice...

And the second time was even better.

I think you had to see it more than once to fully comprehend the metaphor.

What metaphor? / Adam and Eve, original sin.

I mean, that's why she never ate the ribs; right?

God, that's clever. I missed that.

I, I thought it was brilliant.

Yeah, me too. Meanwhile, there's a six-pound lobster getting his affairs in order. Bye.

Is that a Robert Graham?

Yes, yes, it is. He's one of my favorite sculptors. / Mine too?

I love him. Didn't he design that beer mug where you drink out of the nipple?

You know, I have the companion piece of that up in the bedroom. Would you like to see it?

I'll bet it's worth twice what you paid for it.

If it is, I'll sell it to you.

Well, it's so nice that the three of us are getting closer.

My cousin Merrill's husband had a friend named Sam.

The three of them did everything together,

except Merrill wasn't much of a dancer

so sometimes the two guys would go out together -- hey.

Cee Cee, we are not investing in a summer home.

Now Glen mentioned a fabulous stock.

That's where we should put our company's profits.

But, Maxwell, look at this Martha's Vineyard house.

There's even a servants' shack behind the dune.

We can keep Niles there when he's not waiting on us.

Lemon cake? / Please ...

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, Brighten is really upset about this whole Rice Krispie elf resemblance thing

so I'm taking him downtown shopping. He wants a whole new look.

Oh, it's just a stage, Miss Fine.

When I was his age, I was a bit of a rebel myself.

Oh, what'd you wear? Brown socks and black shoes?

Sometimes.

Once I wore my dickie backwards

and no one knew. / Watch out.

Hello. Oh, hello, Glen. / Oh, boy, is he an eager beaver. Hand it over.

Thank you for getting back to me.

I just wanted to call and say how much I enjoyed our squash game.

And my partner and I are very intrigued by that stock tip.

My partner and I are very intrigued by that stock tip.

Listen, I'll come by the club later on and bring you a check. Uh-huh.

Yes, Fran's right here.

Glen says hello. Oh, and by the way, thank you for introducing us.

Oh, and my pleasure, and where are you registered? Do you need a nice punch bowl?

Come on, Gloomy, keep up.

Viper and the hounds.

Oh, honey, I think you should hike up your pants a little bit.

No, Fran, this is cool. / No, honey, this is the Maytag repairman.

How about a nice hot dog? I'm thinking sour crout, red onions --

Oh, and a little mayonaise.

Okay, you can have your own.

No, honey, I'm telling you, this is Gomer;

this is Goober. This is cool.

Can I help you -- boy.

Oh, my God.

You're a hot dog vendor?

That's not even Kosher.

Oh, Niles, I am responsible for Mr. Sheffield investing his money with a hot dog vendor.

I'll be in my room. Weeeee!

Not to mention getting his kid hooked own riboflavin.

Oh, this is the worst trouble I have ever been in.

Ever since the time I corn wrote my father's toupe.

Thank God he knew all the lyrics to "Sunshine of My Life."

Well, you could always get Mr. Sheffield's business manager to sell the stocks.

Oh, Niles, you're a genius. Who's his business manager?

No, no, I don't think you know who you're talking to.

I've got lawyers; I've got money, and I know where you live.

You will rue the day you crossed CeeCee Babcock.

Bye, Mommy. Kiss kiss.

Oh, Niles, will you ask her for me?

Oh, she detests me more than you. / No way.

Way.

Maggie, who does Miss Babcock hates more? Me or him?

Oh, God, this is hard.

She hates both your guts. / Yeah, but I make her nauseous.

I make her drink.

Look, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here,

but I'd have to say she hates Niles more.

Yes, still No. 1.

Knock, knock.

Miss Babcock,

look, I made you some cucumber sandwiches.

And I cut all the crust off on the bread.

And look, there's even a little cherry tomato flower.

I'm dying, aren't I?

No, no, of course not.

It's just that, well, we spend so much time together,

I thought that we should be friends.

You want something, don't you? Nanny Fine wants something.

Oh, yes ... Yes ...

Oh, God, this is good.

Are you done?

You want to have a ciggy butt and cuddle now?

Okay, what is it?

Well, remember Glen, the stockbroker?

The one who cost me my beautiful vacation house.

Did I mention that he said that you looked just like Heather Locklear?

I never met him. / I described you. He was drooling.

Anyway, you're going to get a big kick out of this.

Glen, the stockbroker, is really --

is this thing on -- a hot dog vendor.

I know -- I know, people, right? Go figure.

So at this very minute,

Maxwell is at the Manhattan Men's Club

handing over $100,000 to a hot dog vendor you introduced him to.

Yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Now, go pick up the phone and kill that deal.

Here you go. Pick up the phone.

Just put it in your hand and dial the number.

Oh, come on, Miss Babcock. It's your money too.

Save a ton of money ... Nanny Fine screwed. Whoops. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Please, Miss Babcock, pick up the phone.

Oh, all right. / Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hello, Dr. Bort, cancel my therapy session today. I don't need it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Guest of Mr. Sheffield.

Sorry. No women allowed. / Well, what is this? The heman women haters' club?

This is very important. I must speak to Mr. Sheffield. I'm his nanny.

Lady, no woman's ever gotten into this club

and no woman's ever going to figure out how. / Huh ...

I thought there were no women allowed?

Just the cocktail waitresses, sir.

If I'd known of that, I'd go straight to Al Capone.

Excuse me? / I'll have a brandy Alexander, skim milk, and put it in a parfait glass.

Ah, listen, that's a, that's a lovely shade of blush you're wearing.

You know, chicks like to hear that stuff.

Oh, yeah, Maryanne, ah, cancel my appointment with the, ah, professor.

Hey, how you doing?

Hello. Maxwell Sheffield, and, and you are Mr.?

Ed?

Well, Mr. Ed; this is Mr. Mitchell.

You can call me Glen.

Oh, well, you can call me Wilbur.

Oh, Glen here is a stockmarket wiz.

Oh, a real hot dog, huh?

As a matter of fact, he gave me one hell of a stock tip.

Oh, no kidding. / Yeah, my nanny turned me on to him.

Oh. Hey, can I talk to him for a second? / Yeah.

And his nanny turned me on, period. She is hot.

Ohhh. Would you excuse us a minute, Glen?

Ah, well, now, Max, it can wait, it can wait.

Go on, go on. / So, Max, what's the story with you and Fran?

Yeah, what's the story with you and Fran, Max?

I mean she's a beautiful woman who lives in your house haven't you ever been tempted ....

Well, to tell you the truth, Glen ... / Here's your brandy Alexander.

*********************

Missed it, missed it. What'd you say?

Yeah, well, I have her wrapped around my little finger, you know. / Oh, yeah?

Oh, yes, I say things to her like

"Oh, but you are so much wiser than I am" or,

or "The, the children are so much more comfortable talking to you," you know, rot like that.

I can't believe she hasn't caught on yet. / Uh-huh. She will.

Oh, Glen, listen, before I forget, here's that check I promised you.

Oh, no, no. No business on club premises.

I'm a Buddist.

I don't think this concerns you, Wilbur, old boy.

Well, I think it does, Glen old beef.

Now, listen, buddy ... / Hey, hey, give me that back.

Gentlemen, please ...

Excuse me.

Hey, hey, give that to me. Give that to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. Ahhhhhh ...

Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield, are you okay?

Wilbur? / No, it's me, Miss Fine.

Oh, thank God, for a moment I found myself oddly attracted to you.

I thought 20 years in musical theater had finally taken its toll on me.

What the, what the hell are you doing here dressed like that?

Well, it was the only way that I could get in.

Ah, I came to put an end to this thing between you and Glen.

Won't you -- won't you keep your voice down?

It's all right. It's all right. We live together.

Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here.

What a bunch of yentas.

Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield, Glen is not a stockbroker.

You were about to give $100,000 to a man that sells hot dogs.

Hot dogs. How many?

You lied to me. / He lied to both of us.

What were you using me to get to him?

I don't even know you.

Oh, so I suppose that afternoon in the Hamptons meant nothing to you?

Fran?

Oh, I should have known.

No chick can eat a whole six-pound lobster.

I had a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner.

You said you were a stockbroker.

No, I said I worked on Wall Street.

Would you have gone out with me if I told you that I sold hot dogs?

Absolutely. But now all trust is gone.

I can't stand a man who pretends to be something that he's not.

Yeah, well, just for the record, I was a stockbroker.

I got killed in the '80s. All I needed was one big client.

Maxwell Sheffield was the man of my dreams.

Boy, I haven't seen a shiner like this since my sister got her nose job.

Take it easy. There. / I'll be back in a moment, sir.

I have to run down to the market now that dinner is on your face.

Perhaps Miss Fine would like to go for you?

Maybe she can pick up an ex-doctor with his own falafel wagon.

No, thank you. I've learned my lesson.

Besides, if I want to meet a doctor, I'll do it the old-fashioned way.

Fall in love? / Faint in temple.

What's up, brother man?

You be cool.

Dad, would you get your own stereo?

Five more minutes, I could have been in the park with this.

What are we going to do about that Brighten-big-pants situation?

Ah, well, I thought that you'd talk to him,

you know, you're so much wiser than I am, and,

well, the children are just so much more comfortable with you,

rot like that.

Blast.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Sheffield,

I have my own phrases to manipulate you too.

Really? Like what?

Someone should really talk to that Fergie about horizontal stripes.

What -- what phrases?

Oh, I'm just kidding.

Gosh, Mr. Sheffield, I could never put anything over on you.

I mean you're a big Broadway producer. I'm just a nanny.

Quite right.

Well, No. 17 still works.

I'm off work in an hour.

You want to meet me for a drink?

Honey, I got two words for you,

"Crying Game ..."