Original subtitles

Oh...

Oh...

Fran! / Niles!

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Actually, Niles, I was faking it.

Hi, Fran. / Oh, hi, sweetie.

Say, some of the kids are going to the Hamptons for the weekend.

Oh, great. Will there be boys there?

Maybe a few. / Fun. Parents?

Ah, who cares? They'll just get in the way anyway.

Go, have a blast. We don't even have to tell your father.

Really? / Oh, sure.

And when I'm fired, and you're in the convent,

we'll write each other letters and laugh about this.

But, Maxwell, how can you say no to working with Philipe?

He's an avant garde genius. / Guilty as charged.

And I've put a new twist on the tragedy.

We follow Romeo and Juliet to heaven and have a happy ending.

You're rewriting one of the greatest love stories of all time?

We're adding a few scenes. But we're taking out others.

Which ones? / The ones that don't work.

Well, I'm sorry Philipe, but we British have a thing about mutilating Shakespeare.

The Queen comes and hits you with her purse.

But I bet you have a big name to star.

I'm looking for an unknown, a fresh face with a unique voice.

It's in the medicine chest!

Between the corn pads and the Monistat Seven!

I've found my Juliet!

What?

Can you imagine anything more ridiculous than me doing Shakespeare?

Well, yes. People paying to see it.

Ha-ha. I'll have you know that in high school,

I played the Reverend Mother in the Sounds of Music.

I put a low scooped neck into my nun's habit,

and those hills were alive.

We did the Sound of Music. I played the Baroness.

It was an all boys school.

Thank God I didn't play the guitar. I would have been Maria.

Fran, you can't be in the play. / Yeah, who would do our laundry?

Clean our room? Wait on us hand and foot.

Well, the same person that always does. Niles.

Besides, if I do it, it would only be for a couple of weeks.

Actually, I could rehearse while the kids are at school.

I think not. / Why think you not?

I could use a life outside of this house. / Me, too.

Which is why you should let me go to the Hamptons. / Nice try.

Forget it. Look, Miss Fine, taking care of the children is a fulltime job.

Oh, and I suppose it was my idea to have three?

What you do in your spare time is entirely your own affair.

I'm simply trying to protect you from having an embarrassing theatrical experience.

We know what that's like, don't we, sir?

You know, if some people aren't a little more supportive,

I might omit them from my Oscar speech.

Tony, Miss Fine. You win a Tony, not an Oscar.

Actually for an off-Broadway performance, Miss Fine would win the Obie.

She's not going to win anything.

Well, thank you for that vote of confidence.

That's it. I'm playing Juliet, and nothing is going to stop me.

And I'm going to the Hamptons... / Now sit down, Margaret.

Okay.

Okay, Niles, will you play Romeo?

Isn't he too old?

Well, actually, Juliet's supposed to be my age, so it's not like Fran's...

not perfect for the role.

I warn you, my acting prowess may blow you off the stage.

They're still talking about my baroness.

I can't stop thinking about it and I didn't even see it.

And I spent my summers in Stratford-Upon-Avon.

I spent my summers selling Avon.

Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright.

It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night. / Niles...Niles...

Yes? What? / Don't I come in here somewhere?

And on and on. Beauty to rich for youth but a...

All right, back off, Baroness. And by the way,

you're supposed to dust the scenery, not chew it.

Well, pity. Show me how it's done, Mistress Fine.

Well, I will if you'll just shuty upth.

All for a falconer's voice to lure this tasseled gentile back again.

It's gentle, not gentile.

How the hell should I know? Did I look down his tights?

I still can't understand why Philipe would hire Miss Fine to play Juliet?

Oh, please. Only an idiot would hire her to do anything...

in the theater.

Oh, oh, Mister Sheffield, um, if you've got a minute, I could use your help.

That's the understatement of the century.

Meanwhile, if we put an apple in his mouth, we can have a luau.

Let me see. Oh, I just love this play.

More torches here. Ah, Sara, by my fay, it waxes late.

See? That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Who the hell is Fay and why is she waxing during a party?

Good luck.

Shall I play Romeo to your Juliet? / Four, three, two... What took you so long?

All right, so now we're star crossed lovers.

Let's get some physical realism into this, shall we? / Oh, Mister Sheffield.

No, no, I mean, I'm gonna put you on your balcony. / Okay.

All right. Now Juliet is dreaming of her Romeo. / Right.

And she says... / Why me?

Oh, speak again, bright angel.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo...

Yes, now maybe we could have a little more lilting. Just a bit more melodic.

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Melodic.

Oh, Romeo? Romeo?

Yeah, just a little too melodic, I think. Let me show you.

Oh, okay. Sure. He's gonna show us.

All right. Oh, Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Wow. You British guys really know how to play women.

We, uh, we did this play in college.

Oh, you must have been the perfect Romeo.

No. I was Friar Lawrence, actually.

That's the problem going to school with Jeremy Irons. All right,

let's go on.

Okay. Romeo, doth thy name and...

take all of me.

I take thee at thy word. Call me but love and I'll be new baptized.

You know, if I were directing this, I'd go in a whole different direction.

Night, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Sleep dwell in thine eyes, peace in thy breast.

Oh, would I were sleep in peace so sweet to rest...

You know, because this lovey-dovey stuff has just been done to death.

You know...

Much better.

Yeah, I, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it now...

Of course I'm gonna need a lot of coaching.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha, ha!

I'm Dracula, I'm gonna suck out all your blood and bury you alive!

You don't scare me. / All right, fine. I'm the C.C. monster,

and I'm gonna marry Dad and send you away to boarding school!

Children, children, children,

be quiet!

Jeez, Dad, you don't have to scream about it.

Look, I already sent you to bed five times.

What are you doing still up? / Well I'm not tired.

Well maybe that has something to do with the pound of chocolate I told you not to eat.

You know, I think it was the gallon of cola you told me not to drink.

And what's your excuse? / Well, he took me out.

Obviously, you got out.

Now go on, off to bed, both of you.

Just give me one good reason why I can't go to the Hamptons.

I won't let you.

Look, Margaret, you're much too young to go away for the weekend.

By the time Juliet was my age, she had already gotten married, had sex, and died.

Well now you see what happens when you don't listen to your father.

Niles, I'm thinking of changing the childrens' bedtime. / Oh, to when, sir?

Right after school.

I can't believe Miss Fine isn't back yet.

I can't believe what's happened to my roast.

It's starting to bear a strange resemblance to Hume Cronan.

I mean, how much rehearsal can one person need?

Oh, right. But still.

Oh, hi, guys. For sooth, am I pooped.

Dinner is coming right up. / Oh, Niles, I already ate.

You couldn't have called?

Never mind. Ruined anyway.

Boy, is he moody. / Well, you are rather late.

What are you two? On the same cycle?

What's the problem? Oh, you couldn't handle the kids?

Oh, don't make me laugh.

What do you think the minute you leave the entire house falls apart?

Oh, oh... / No, don't go in there.

Why not? / Well, use the back stairs. They're closer.

No, they're not. / Yes, they are. / Are not. / Are so. I measured.

Okay. Too slow... / Oh...

Oh my God!

Oh, this place looks worse than when my mother ransacked my bedroom looking for my diary.

Well, I was looking for my glasses. / What'd you have a reading emergency?

So, what were you doing all evening? / I was at rehearsal.

Well I called. Rehearsal was over at eight.

Well, we went out after. / Ahh... Who's "we"?

Oh, you know, Romeo, Macuseo, Tebilt.

The gang.

Oh, I'm sorry. It was an accident.

So was that.

Boy, you leave the house for a couple hours, you come back and it's a pig sty.

Yeah, well, maybe if you had been here, your children wouldn't have been running amuck!

Oh, so when they're sweet, adorable angels, they're your children.

And when they're amuck, they're mine. / Well, you are the nanny!

And that's all you want me to be!

Oh, good god, now I'm getting one of my headaches.

You know what I think? You are jealous

because Philipe discovered something that was right under your nose.

And what would that be exactly? / My star quality.

That's rather like discovering the atomic bomb.

Sounds good in theory, but millions will suffer.

Well that's it. I'm going home to my mother.

No, don't bother! I'm sleeping on the couch!

What... If we're splitting up, I get Niles!

You couldn't afford him! / Not on what you pay me!

It's always the butler who suffers.

Oh...

I'm working.

Pretend I'm not here. That's how I get through the day.

Oh, hello, Niles. / Hm-hmm.

Would you mind telling Mister Sheffield that I'm going to rehearsal.

Unless, of course, he'd like me to sit by his feet and peel him a grape.

Well, that's my job. But you can wave the fan.

Well, you can tell the nanny that I wouldn't dream of standing in the way of her aspirations,

no matter how ludicrous they might be.

Well, tell Mister Sheffield that I am a grown woman,

and can find fulfillment anyway I choose.

And that he is a doodyhead.

To synopsis, sir, you are a doodyhead.

So that's the one you choose to repeat. / Translator's prerogative.

I don't think I've ever met a more infuriating, irritating woman.

Hello, hello.

Think hard, sir.

I just heard the most delicious news.

Well, why don't you run make a friend and tell them all about it.

Philipe needs a tax write-off, so he wants the show to flop.

That's why he cast Nanny Fine, to guarantee a total disaster.

I knew it! Ha! I knew she had no talent.

People will be walking out in the middle of her performance.

Just like one of your dates.

Well, we, we can't tell her. She'll be crushed.

I know.

On the other hand, if, if I don't tell her, then she'll be publicly humiliated opening night.

I know. It's a win-win situation.

Maggie, if you wanna go to the Hamptons,

you're gonna have to ask your father when he's watching Masterpiece Theater.

Yes. Just when his chin drops down to his chest,

but before he starts snoring.

Yeah, sure. That's how I got my raise.

We're doing the dance scene! Places, everybody!

Oh, Maggie, I gotta go. I gotta go plunge a knife into my heart.

Oh boy, I'm sounding more like my mother every day.

Oh, uh, Philipe, I gotta ask you a question. I don't know what my motivation is here.

Why does Juliet kill herself?

Because without her Romeo she has no reason to live.

Oh. Could tell this play was written by a man.

I don't know how she got this part. / Well, she must be sleeping with him.

I slept with him. I got two lines.

I got Romeo.

Okay. Romeo?

Drink your poison...

Here's to my love.

Thy drugs act quick, thus with a kiss...

I die. / Now Juliet awakens.

Oy, what a night!

Oh, Romeo, I see poison.

I see poison has been your timeless end.

Oh, churl...

Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath.

There rust and let me die.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh, hey, hey, oh...

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh...

She's perfect. This play will die faster than she does.

Oh, oy...

And now, Romeo and Juliet ascend to heaven.

Oh, my lord Romeo, I follow thee to heaven.

Whoa... Whoa...

Oy, hey, you guys. Heaven art that-a-way.

Oh, oh...

Wow, hey... Oh, oh, hey, oh, whoa...

Oh boy, don't worry. I'm okay.

Oh, but it looks like Romeo's got quite a wedgie going on up there.

Oy...

Hi...

Hi... Gee, you know, that harness really chafes.

Boy, that Mary Martin must have had a hide like a rhino.

Hey, I know you.

Well, I have done six Broadway shows and several national tours.

No, no, it was a commercial.

You're the Less Than Fresh girl.

Oh, Mister Sheffield.

No, please... People, people, please!

Come on, back off! Get away!

Let the man breathe. Give him some air. Jeez...

God, she's sleeping with everybody.

Watch. Next year she'll have her own sitcom.

Miss Fine, I, I owe you an apology.

You owe me an apology? Oh, yeah, right.

I was selfish and thoughtless and I'm extremely sorry.

Oh, thank you, Mister Sheffield.

I'm sorry I called you a doodyhead.

Apology accepted.

You know, we shouldn't fight anymore. It's so hard on Niles. / Yeah, I know.

Listen, I, uh, I need to talk to you about this play. Maybe you better sit down.

Oh, okay. I think I know what you're gonna say though.

No, I doubt that. / Yes, I do.

You're gonna say that you and the kids really need me at home, and the mansion is a mess.

And I don't belong in this play and well, you'd be absolutely right.

I would? / Yeah. Isn't that what you were gonna say?

Oh, yes. Yes. That was exactly what... Yes. You read my mind.

Oh, clairvoyance runs in my family.

I got an Aunt Paula that predicted Hurricane Andrew.

For the first time in history, there wasn't a single Jew on Miami Beach.

Come on. I'm gonna take you home.

I just hope that Philip isn't too disappointed.

I mean, he really was counting on me.

Well, Miss Fine, a talent like yours doesn't come along every day.

True. But you know, between you, me and the pillars,

that Philipe is not the greatest director in the world.

And if I'm gonna make my big Broadway debut,

I should do it right, in one of your plays. / Right. Um...

Now, back to Masterpiece Theater, Part Twentysix,

The Lords of Thisbee.

Psst, Maggie, make your move.

Hi, Dad. / Hello.

Are you asleep? / Uh, yeah...

Are you gonna let me go to the Hamptons? / Sure, honey.

When Miss Fine gets her next raise.

Oh, ever since Alistare Cooke left he doesn't sleep as well.

Lunch!

Oh, good.

Hello. People?

Oh, people?

Where for art thou everyone?

Hello? Oy...