Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

Hello.

It's down the steps and to the right.

Hi, can I help you with your cabin number?

32.

Oh, I'm sorry. We don't have a cabin 32.

Oh, no, no, no.

32 is the number of letters in the sentence,

"hi, can I help you with your cabin number?"

It's a -- it's a little game I play.

I'm lowell mandell.

Oh, of course.

You won this cruise

in the tribune puzzle contest, right?

Yeah, that's right.

And I'm a real crossword-puzzle nut, you know?

When I die, I want to be buried six down, three across.

[ Laughs ]

Man: Great. Thank you.

Oh, excuse me.

Could you help me find the aloha deck?

Sure, it's right through those doors and to the left.

-Thank you. -Wait a minute, that voice --

don't I know that voice from somewhere?

It's possible.

I usually take it with me wherever I go.

I think I got it. Say, "is the caller there?"

That's Phil donahue.

I'm, "line 2, you're on the air."

Dr. Dorothee Davis, the radio psychologist!

Oh, you take away all the joy of discovery.

I would have gotten it.

Dr. Davis, I was thinking of psychology as a career.

Do you have any advice?

I'm not sure I'm the person to ask

about something so important.

-Hi. -Hello.

Where is he?

Come on.

[ Chuckles ]

Leo: He's so neat.

I'm Leo halbert. How do you do?

And where do we go?

Well, welcome aboard. I'm captain stubing.

[ Grunts ]

[ Both laugh ]

And this is purser Smith.

[ Clears throat ]

Pbht!

I guess he outranks you.

I grew up watching you two on TV.

Leo and tanny, right? -Right.

And you must be his wife.

No, tanny's not married. I'm Leo's wife.

Well, I'm sorry.

This is my wife, Mary.

Oh, you know something? I will never forget

that old western routine you guys used to do.

Tanny, bang!

[ Groans ]

Isn't he supposed to fall down when I do that?

Hm? Oh, yeah. But he's no fool.

He knows your finger wasn't loaded.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ship horn honks ]

[ Cheering ]

Then, when I found out you were gonna be on this cruise,

I knew you could help me.

I'm the chief purser around here,

and lately, nobody seems to be taking me seriously.

Well, maybe it's your nickname -- "gopher."

No, that's not it. I think it's my childhood.

I had a lot of rejection as a child.

Whenever I played hide-and-seek, nobody would look for me.

Do you think that's significant, doctor?

It's difficult to say.

I hardly know you.

Well, that's no problem.

What I'll do is I'll put all the thoughts in my childhood

down on paper, and I'll get back to you.

This is great.

This is more feedback than I've had in months.

Thank you.

[ Flatly ] Mm-hmm.

Isaac: Ladies and gentlemen, lowell is gonna do this

within 20 seconds, blindfolded.

So, are you ready, lowell?

Ready!

Okay, go!

[ Spectators cheering ]

Five seconds.

I find brilliant men incredibly attractive.

I think the sexiest part of a man's body is his mind.

Isaac: 10 seconds!

15 seconds!

[ Spectators cheering ]

Ta-da!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now, folks, you are not gonna believe this.

But lowell has told me that he can tell

the day of the week of any date in history.

That's right.

[ Spectators murmur ]

No, no, okay, all right, do we have any volunteers?

How about you?

Yeah, that's right.

Um...what's your birthday?

July 2nd, 1960.

July 2nd.

You said July 2nd? -Mm-hmm.

Isn't that something? That's really amazing.

You know, this Wednesday, your birthday will be

only 148 days away.

[ Laughs ]

So, uh, come on, I'll buy you

a 148-days- before-your-birthday lunch.

But the food on the ship is free.

Oh, well, in that case, order whatever you want.

Ooh, hi, Isaac.

Hi, Dr. Davis. What can I get you?

-How about a Margarita? -A Margarita, coming right up.

You know, Dr. Davis, in a way, you and I are

in the same business.

Oh? How's that?

Well, people are always telling their troubles to a bartender,

except my clientele does not get your professional expertise.

Hm, well, my professional expertise is highly overrated.

Besides, your clients get something mine don't.

What's that?

Fruit on a toothpick.

Hey, Dr. Davis. Isaac, how you doing?

-Hello. -Fine.

Listen, I've got kind of a sticky problem.

I could use a little professional advice.

Well, fine. Isaac's free.

[Laughs] No, I wanted to talk to you.

I know it's kind of an imposition,

but it's really, very important to me.

Okay, shoot.

Yeah.

Well, I've got this friend named Elaine

who I broke up with a couple months ago.

Now, I just learned that she's planning on marrying this guy

who I know is a real womanizer.

Now, should I warn Elaine, or should I just stay out of it?

I think you owe it to Elaine to level with her.

Maybe you can prevent an unhappy marriage.

I think you're right.

I still have an obligation to her.

I mean, she's still my friend, right?

-Mm-hmm. -Okay, I'll send her a cable

right away and let her know what a big mistake she's making.

Thanks a million. -[ Chuckles ]

Boy, you really know your stuff.

I would have told him the exact opposite.

What do you mean?

Well, fool that I am, I would have told him

to stay out of it.

He'd already broken up with her,

so it was really none of his business.

But that's why you get the big bucks.

All right, red.

This here deck ain't big enough for the both of us.

Go ahead, red. Show him how tough you are.

Leo.

This here six iron is loaded.

You're gonna eat my dust.

Bang!

Hey, he's a real character isn't he?

[ Laughs ] Uh, Mary, listen,

why don't you take a picture of gopher, tanny, and me, huh?

Yes, all right.

Oh, Leo, this will be one for my grandchildren.

Of course, I have to have the children first.

-Smile, everybody. -Okay.

Shoot.

[ Camera shutter snaps ]

[ Groans ]

Leo, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you and tanny do your show tonight?

Uh, that -- that sounds like fun.

Oh, that's terrific. I'll make the arrangements.

Okay.

Leo, let him rest. He's had a long day.

It's okay. He's fine.

He's not fine.

He hasn't been fine for a long time.

[ Sighs ]

Lowell: So, anyhow, once, in college,

I finished this English exam early.

So I was getting a little bored.

And, uh, to kill time, I started counting

the number of letters in words and sentences.

And it was so much fun that I've been doing it ever since.

I never once in my life finished a test early.

My teachers practically had to arm-wrestle me

for my test papers.

[ Chuckles ]

Where'd you go to college?

Uh...well, you know, back east.

Where back east?

[ Sighs ]

Harvard -- I went to Harvard.

You went to Harvard?

I would have given anything to go to an Ivy league school.

What was it like at Harvard?

36.

36 --

letters in, "what was it like at Harvard?"

No, of the number of letters in,

"how would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

I'd love to.

[ Video game buzzes ]

[ Video game beeping ]

[ Chuckles ]

You know, this has been a great day for me.

Not only do I get a date with a beautiful woman,

but, uh, I just saved the universe.

[ Water rushing ]

Come on, tanny. You're gonna be late for dinner.

[ Grunting ]

Oh, don't forget to floss.

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughs ]

I can't believe you're thinking of doing the act.

He hasn't worked in over a year.

You saw him up on deck today.

Oh, come on, Mary. He missed a couple of cues.

That's all. -[ Sighs ]

"A couple" of cues?

He messed up every bit you tried.

[Sighs] Face it, Leo -- he's over the hill.

No, he's not over the hill.

He'll be fine out there.

He's a trouper, Mary.

Leo, listen to me.

Let me tell gopher that he can't do it.

Uh, I'll say that he's, uh, seasick or something.

Leo, do you know how embarrassing this could be?

My roommate in college didn't have the courage

to ask his girlfriend to marry him.

So, I rigged the scoreboard so that, during half time,

it would read, "Betty, will you marry me?"

[ Laughs ] Did it work?

Oh, yeah. It worked great.

Uh, four Bettys got engaged that weekend.

How did you learn to do that?

Well, I had a professor at m.I.T.

Who was a real practical jokester.

M.i.t.?

I thought you said you went to Harvard.

Oh, well, you know, I-I did, for my bachelor's degree.

But then I --

then I went on to m.I.T. For my master's, you know?

You went to Harvard and m.I.T.?

Well, yeah, you know, me and thousands of other guys.

And I had the best body. Go figure.

Uh, did you know that, uh, the density of saturn

is lighter than water?

You could float that sucker in a bathtub.

Of course, you'd have to have a bathtub the size of Jupiter.

[ Chuckles ] Waiter?

[ Laughter ]

[ Grunts ]

Yeah, he loves the movies,

especially "the three stooges."

That's where he gets his timing.

Pbht!

[ Laughs ]

You know, Leo, all the kids on board

will be disappointed if they don't see you and tanny perform.

Well, I, uh...

-[ Slurping ] -Oh, come on, Leo,

just one show?

Both: Please?

I told you all the kids would be disappointed.

Well, sure. Sure, yeah.

We can do a little show for you.

How about that, partner?

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

He'd love to. [ Laughs ]

Thank you for asking me to dinner.

Oh, my pleasure.

It's been a long time since I've had an official date.

I suppose, with your schedule, it is difficult.

It's not that.

It's just that I'm going through a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you want to talk about it, I'm a good listener.

Good evening.

Oh, gosh, look at that prime rib.

That looks great.

What do you want, gopher?

Doctor, I realize your time is very precious.

So I've tried to condense

some of my thoughts on my childhood.

Oliver twist didn't have that much of a childhood.

Ah, good evening.

Well, the prime rib looks great.

Why don't we get a couple of extra forks?

You can eat off our plates.

[Laughs] No, thanks. I can't stay.

Oh, that's too bad. Good-bye.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, listen, I-I just wanted to tell you

that I took your advice, and I sent a cable

to my friend Elaine.

And I told her that if she married that jerk,

she would be making the biggest mistake

of her entire life.

Whew! What a load off my mind.

Um...maybe you shouldn't have done that, ace.

What?

Well, i-i-it's just that, sometimes --

I don't know.

Maybe it's better that people find out

these things for themselves, don't you think?

Are you telling me I should send another cable?

Is that what you're saying?

Well...

Yes, p-perhaps you'd better.

I tell you -- life can be a handful.

Oh, I got this research Grant from Stanford.

-But -- -you went to Harvard,

m.i.t., and Stanford?

[ Sighs ]

That's incredible.

You know, there's a name for people like you.

"Lowell"?

[ Sighs ]

"Prodigy."

You're a prodigy.

Boy, what I wouldn't do with your brains.

I'd invent things.

No-run pantyhose --

that would give me a nobel prize for sure.

[ Laughs ]

You know, you only talk about your past.

I want to know what you're doing now.

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, right now, I'm standing in the moonlight

with the most attractive woman on this ship.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, hi, guys. Hey, listen, we're on our way to the casino.

You want to come?

They don't want to go to the casino.

-Casino? -Yeah.

Listen, I'm on a losing streak,

and I never quit when I'm behind.

Gee, I-I don't know.

Well, actually, that sounds kind of interesting, Brenda.

Come on.

Lead the way. -Right on.

-Oh, I like this. -Mm.

A nice, quiet table away from all the activity.

And all the people asking for free advice.

Excuse me.

Would you please put these two chairs

where nobody can find them?

-[ Chuckles ] -Thank you.

[Sighs] Everybody thinks I have all the answers.

It's an occupational hazard.

I get it all the time.

As soon as people find out I'm a doctor,

they drag out all their aches and pains.

Well, how do you handle it?

I tell them my lawyer won't let me say anything

till after the malpractice trial.

They usually leave me alone after that.

Uh-oh.

Doctor, bad news --

i found out that Elaine received the first cable.

Now what should I do, play dumb?

I think you can handle it.

Did I tell you I'm an only child?

Do you mind?

Now, should I risk sending a third cable

to explain the first or just stop with the second?

Couldn't that explain my difficulty sharing?

I don't know.

I can't help you. I can't help anybody anymore.

I quit my job two weeks ago. I'm through handing out advice.

Oh, Dr. Davis, listen -- I was just looking

through some catalogs from ucla.

And I was wondering what you thought

of the psychology department.

Will everybody just please leave me alone?

Ladies and gentlemen, the love boat mermaids.

[ Applause, upbeat music plays ]

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ I don't want to take it anymore ♪

♪ I'll just stay here locked behind the door ♪

♪ just no time to stop and get away ♪

♪ 'cause I work so hard to make it every day ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ and it's hard to say ♪

♪ just how some things never change ♪

♪ and it's hard to find ♪

♪ any strength to draw the line ♪

♪ oh, I'm just burning ♪

♪ doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm just burning ♪

♪ doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ There's no money falling from the sky ♪

♪ there's no money falling from the sky ♪

♪ a man took my heart and robbed me blind ♪

♪ lord, have mercy ♪

♪ someone stole my brand-new Chevrolet ♪

♪ someone stole her brand-new Chevrolet ♪

♪ and the rent is due, I've got no place to stay ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ I'm on fire ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ well, I'm on fire ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ I'm just burning, doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm just burning doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I know there's a pot of gold for me ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ all I got to do is just believe ♪

♪ believe, believe, believe ♪

♪ I'm so happy doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm so happy doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ and I'm just burning, doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ I'm just burning, doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

♪ I'm so happy doing the neutron dance ♪

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪

[ Grunts ]

-Mr. Halbert... -Mm-hmm?

I just want you to know what a thrill it is

for me to be performing on the same stage as you.

I've loved your act my whole life.

I mean, I've only been watching television since I was 4.

But ever since then... -It's her first job.

She gets excited. -[ Laughs ]

Well, it's nice to be appreciated by my peers.

Mary thinks we're over the hill, tanny.

Let's go show her.

Did you hear that? He called me his peer.

Exactly what does that mean?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big hand to Leo and tanny.

[ Applause ]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I want you to know that I -- wait a minute.

Wait, what are you doing with the script?

We haven't changed a line in 20 years.

Get rid of it.

[ Drum roll, cymbal crashes ]

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much.

Now, when I -- when I say, "Romeo, Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo," what do you do?

[ Laughter ]

Marvelous. Yes, that's right.

And, uh, now, when you pucker up, what do I do?

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Maybe we do need that script.

Would you mind throwing up that script, sir?

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[ Drum rolls, cymbal crashes ]

You need to be trained.

[ Laughter ]

Now, it says here, "Leo kisses the redhead."

But I'm sorry. I can't -- no, wait a minute.

Wait, I can't kiss the redhead. My wife is out there.

[ Groans ]

Please!

[ Spits ]

[ Laughter ]

Man: Place your bets. Place your bets, please.

No more bets, please.

34 red, a winner. -[ Laughing ] Hey.

Hey, that's five winners in a row.

I can't lose.

Lowell seems to be on a winning streak.

I wish I could say the same.

I lost 25 bucks in the stamp machine.

[ Laughs ]

You know, years ago, I learned a surefire way

to double my money in the casino.

How?

I just fold it and put it in my pocket.

Oh.

Isaac...

Hmm?

Brenda looks bored. Come on.

Where are we going?

To put a little romance back into her life.

Hi, guys.

-Hi. -Listen.

Why don't we all go to the movies?

Oh, Judy, I've already seen that movie.

[ Coughs ] Great idea.

That is a great idea.

-What about it, lowell? -Uh, not now.

I'm on a roll. Listen.

Uh, why don't you go along with Judy and Isaac?

And I'll be there in about 10 minutes, okay?

Okay.

Man: Place your bets, please.

Want to talk about it?

You know...

After 18 years of what I thought was a happy marriage,

my devoted husband came home one night

and told me he was leaving me for another woman.

I'm sorry.

[ Scoffs ] That's not the best part.

That other woman happened to be my best friend.

Ooh.

She used to come to me and pour her heart out

about how guilty she was over the affair she was having.

You had no way of knowing.

Anybody with an ounce of sense

could have seen what was going on...

But not Dr. Dorothee.

I even talked her out of feeling guilty.

So let's face it.

I'm not in the position to give anybody advice.

That's why I'm through with it.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, red.

You can't hide from me any longer.

Chicken, huh, red?

[ Laughter ]

Why, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

I said this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

Draw!

Draw!

Give me the gun.

Come on.

Never hold a gun to your head like that.

What did I tell ya?

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Mary, if it's not too much to ask,

the next time Leo and tanny are on TV, could you let me know?

See, now that I'm a grown-up, I get to stay up late.

There isn't going to be a next time, gopher.

What do you mean?

You've just seen their last performance.

We're retiring tanny to the puerto vallarta zoo tomorrow.

♪♪

♪♪

One, two, three, four.

And five, six, seven, eight. Come on.

One, two, three, four.

Five, six, seven, eight.

You know, Mary, tanny is sleeping like a baby.

This trip may be the very lift he needs

to start him working again.

Forget it, Leo.

Oh, I promise, no more tours.

Just a few one-nighters and a couple of TV shows.

Leo, we agreed it's the best thing for everybody.

Oh, you're right. No more one-nighters.

No more TV shows.

How about an occasional show at a mall?

Leo, tanny's old.

Let him rest.

Yeah, but you saw him last night.

He was great. The audience loved him.

Well, maybe the audience did think he was great.

But, Leo, both you and I know

you've just got to get this over with.

That's the idea.

Get those cornflakes good and busy.

They're easier to catch.

I just feel so badly about Dr. Davis.

I don't know.

Maybe if I hadn't bothered her so much --

oh, honey, she's just upset about her divorce.

Oh, that's only part of it.

Her real problem is a crisis of confidence.

She's convinced she's no good as a psychologist.

You know, it's too bad her show isn't on the air anymore.

This is just the kind of problem she usually handles.

Maybe if you talked to her, doc.

I mean, everybody has problems.

Even doctors get sick.

Vicki, you just said something brilliant.

I did? What'd I say?

Don't worry, honey.

I'm sure you'll say it again sometime.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to romantic puerto vallarta.

We hope you enjoy a memorable visit

to this beautiful Mexican resort town.

Brenda.

Brenda, wait. Come on. Please?

Look, I'm sorry about the movie last night.

I, uh, I got hung up at the roulette game,

and I lost all track of time.

Well, I didn't.

The movie was great.

-I saw it twice. -No, wait.

Wait. I -- look, I'm sorry, honest.

There's good news, though. I won.

Huh? Look.

And I'm gonna spend it all on you, too.

We're gonna go into town,

and we're gonna paint it rojo, huh?

I can't let you spend all your money on me.

Oh, all right.

Then I'll -- I'll just spend part of it.

And then I promise I'll donate the other part

to my favorite charity -- me.

Tanny, uh...

Tanny...

Tanny?

Tanny? Tanny?

Tanny?!

Tanny?!

You sure know how to get to me, don't you, partner?

Well, now, you may not understand.

We -- we've been together a long time now.

Uh...well...i hate having to do this to you, tanny.

But, well, uh, there's been a change in script.

And, uh, the way we're gonna do it is, you got to the zoo,

and...mary and I go back home.

[ Whimpers ]

You understand?

[ Chuckles ]

Of course you don't.

Well, you see, the way we see it is, uh,

that we feel the -- the zoo is the best place for you.

Yes, it's a wonderful climate, a lot of activities.

There'll be other orangues your age there,

maybe some girls.

Here. Look for yourself.

[ Paper rustles ]

Yeah. I know, partner.

I know.

We've been together for 20 years.

Why do we have to change a line now?

♪♪

[ Groaning ] Come in.

Oh, the captain said you weren't feeling well.

[ Door closes ]

Oh, dear. You look terrible.

Good -- that's a step up from wretched.

Mm, you have a slight fever.

It's probably just the flu bug.

"Flu bug" nothing -- this is at least pneumonia.

Probably the worst kind, too -- German pneumonia.

-I never heard of that. -It's new.

[ Telephone rings ]

Oh, please. Answer that, quick.

The noise is deafening.

Hello?

Yes, captain?

Oh, dear, is she -- is she all right?

Yes, yes, I'll tell him. He'll be right there.

The captain said that Vicki broke her ankle.

They need you in the infirmary right away.

Tell them to pack it in ice... [ Sighs ]

And I'll be there in a day or two.

Did you hear me? She broke her ankle.

Yes. You expect me to leave my deathbed

for a lousy broken ankle?

[ Grunts ] She's young.

She'll heal.

You can't be serious. You're a doctor.

How can I take care of someone else

when I can't even take care of myself?

That is nonsense.

Now, you listen to me, Adam bricker.

Even if you are sick, you can't just sit around

and feel sorry for yourself.

You have a responsibility to your patients.

You're absolutely right.

A doctor must always put his patients' problems

ahead of his or her own feelings of inadequacy.

Isn't that what you're saying?

Yes.

Oh. Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

What -- what about Vicki?

Fake call.

[ Sighs ] Hmm.

I should be so mad at you.

But I'm too charming, right?

You know, there's a clinical term

for what you just did to me --

self-pity reduction therapy.

Mm.

We hope you had fun in puerto vallarta.

You can exchange your pesos in the purser's lobby.

I feel like a walking souvenir shop.

I think we went a little crazy.

Well, that's the educational thing about traveling.

It teaches you to spend money in a hurry.

Yeah, but on a musical donkey?

[ Laughs ]

[ Melodic tune plays ]

Well, all right, okay. I'm an animal lover, all right?

Thanks for the ring.

It's beautiful.

Thanks for spending the day with me.

First thing, I'm gonna slip into a nice, hot shower,

and then into a nice, cool pinña colada.

Well, that works for me.

Meet you in the lounge in an hour?

-10. -10?

Letters in, "I'll be there."

Bye-bye. -Bye.

Go ahead, tanny. I'll follow you.

Watch yourself, now.

I'll never forget the first time we saw tanny.

Color television was just getting big.

And Leo saw that little red ball of fur.

And he thought tanny would be a natural.

It's hard to believe it's --

it's been over 20 years.

It's hard when an end of an era comes.

Now, don't worry, tanny.

They're gonna take good care of you.

A-And when you get there,

a lot of people will come to see you.

And I'll come to see you.

I promise.

[ Whines ]

I'm gonna miss you, partner.

[ Whimpers ]

I'll never forget you.

[ Whines ]

[ Whimpers, whines ]

Boy, a lot of kids are gonna miss him.

I guess they're not the only ones.

Good evening, passengers.

We invite you to spend your last night at sea

dancing in the international lounge.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

You know, Leo, this music reminds me

of the first time we met.

Feels like we're starting all over again.

Mm-hmm.

[ Song ends, applause ]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

I love you, Leo.

And I think it's wonderful the way you're handling all this.

Are you, uh, thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

I'm thinking tanny's already checked in,

met the other residents,

getting used to walking around without clothes on.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I almost forgot. Here.

Ace printed up some shots of tanny.

Here's tanny at the swimming pool.

Here's tanny in the casino. [ Laughs ]

Boy, he sure knew how to play a crowd.

[ Chuckles ]

8 black.

-He's still at it? -I'm afraid so, sir.

Lowell.

Do you realize you missed dinner?

Oh, really?

I wound up eating alone.

They served buffalo. You had to shoot it yourself.

Lowell?

Oh, hi. Uh, sorry.

Have you had dinner yet?

18 red.

[ Spectators cheer ]

Lowell, I'd like to go dancing.

Are you coming or not?

Not.

You know, for someone so smart,

you're acting awfully stupid.

Listen, Brenda, get off my case.

I mean, so what if I'm smart?

You know, I am sick and tired of doing

what other people expect me to do.

All I expect from you is a straight answer.

Every time I ask you what you're doing with your life,

you change the subject.

All right, all right, you want to know

what I'm doing with my life? I'll tell you.

Nothing.

Zip.

What about Stanford, the research program?

Oh...

I dropped out of that two years ago.

How do you live?

I take odd jobs.

I play games -- all kinds of games.

Every once in a while, I win something.

Now, you may not think much of it,

but it's my life, okay?

So butt out.

You're right, lowell. I don't think much of it.

Here.

You may need to hawk this when you gamble away all your money.

Well, what do you think you'll do now?

I'll go back on the radio

and try to find a new best friend.

And a new husband?

Are you applying for the job?

Uh, I'm afraid I have a lousy track record

in that department.

Well, why don't you start as a best friend

and work your way up?

I'd like that.

Uh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, we were hoping we wouldn't be left all alone out here.

Uh, I-I just wanted to tell you, doctor,

that I received a cable back from my friend Elaine,

and she's gonna go ahead with the wedding.

Even after she found out the man's a cheat?

Well, it turns out that he's very, very rich.

And frankly, she's very, very shallow.

Thanks for your help. -Mm-hmm.

Where were we? -Let's see.

Uh, you were kissing your best friend,

and I was working my way up.

Beautiful night.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So, how did you make out in the casino?

Well, I, uh...

I had a change of luck there towards the end,

and came out ahead.

Ah.

All's well that ends well.

Not really.

Brenda won't talk to me. I...

I tried twice to go to her cabin to apologize.

She won't even open the door.

Well, I guess tonight was pretty embarrassing for her.

I can't believe I yelled like that.

You know, ever since I-I hit those gambling tables,

i-I've been a little nuts. It's --

it's almost as if they had me hypnotized or something.

I know what you're going through, lowell.

I have a problem somewhat like yours.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Alcoholic? Well --

well, I'm not an alcoholic.

People who gamble too much are just like people

who drink too much or play games too much

or work too much or do anything too much.

They're all compulsive behaviors.

Oh, now, wait a minute here.

I mean, you think because I spent two nights

at a gambling table I'm a compulsive gambler?

No.

But you could be headed in that direction.

Lowell, when compulsive people get hooked on something,

it's their way of escaping pressure.

You've been under pressure all your life to be number one.

So you escape into your games.

Everyone expects so much of me.

I want to change...

But I'm afraid. I-I don't know if I can.

Look, you don't have to do it alone.

There are organizations

where people with the same problem

get together and help each other.

And it works.

I know.

I don't know. I-I...

I'm gonna have to think about this.

Well, if you're interested,

drop by my office tomorrow morning.

I'll have some names of places you can call for help.

Thank you, captain. Y-You're very kind.

Someone was kind to me once.

All right, Mary. Let's talk about it.

You already got what you want. Tanny's gone.

He may be gone,

but apparently he's still number one in your life.

What are you talking about?

[ Sighs ] Oh, Leo.

After 20 years, I'm just tired

of playing second fiddle to an orangutan.

"Second fiddle"?

I can't believe that you'd think like that.

I always thought of us as a family.

Well, this part of the family didn't get

very much attention.

Well, why didn't you say something about this years ago?

Because I knew what the act meant to you.

And besides, what was I gonna say?

"Excuse me, Leo. I'm jealous of your monkey"?

Of course, tanny meant a lot to me.

But he never meant more to me than you do.

But you never said that.

Well...i always thought you knew.

[ Sighs ]

Now, listen closely, Mary.

I don't want you to miss a word.

I love you.

You're the most important thing in my life.

You always have been.

And I'm not gonna let a day go by

that you don't know it.

[ Melodic tune plays ]

Lowell: You were right, Brenda.

For somebody who's supposed to be so intelligent, I...

I've been acting awfully stupid.

I-I'd like to try and put my life back together again.

And when I do...

I want you to be a part of it.

[ Sighs ]

Eight.

Eight?

Letters in "I'd love to."

[ Chuckles ]

Of course, that's not counting the apostrophe.

What's the rule on that?

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, Vicki.

And if you do decide to go into psychology,

please let me know.

I'd be happy to recommend some schools.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Davis.

I'll be listening to your radio show.

Oh, Adam.

How am I ever going to thank you?

Watch my lips.

Gopher said every time they stop at puerto vallarta,

he's gonna look in on tanny.

Well, I don't think that will be necessary.

Hmm?

Partner!

I called the zoo early this morning

and had him flown in.

Yeah, but I-I thought you said --

well, it's one thing to break up an act.

It's something else to break up a family.

You want to know the truth? I missed him, too.

Sweetheart,

you've just secured your position as number one.

[ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ]

I heard you were back in town.

Oh, he hated the zoo.

All the good tire swings were taken.

Hey, tanny, think fast.

Bang!

[ Laughter ]

[ Grunts, chatters ]

♪ ♪