Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

We'll be docking in Los Angeles tomorrow,

so take advantage of your last night aboard ship.

We hope you have a happy ending to your cruise.

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Man: Well, believe me!

Oh, you. Haven't you done enough?

Look, I feel -- I-I feel terrible about everything.

Well, I can make you feel worse.

How about if I rip your face off?

Oh, wait. I hear he's from a rich family.

Let's sue him, and then we'll rip his face off.

I never meant any harm.

I was just trying to do something nice.

Oh, listen to that, Betty.

He was tryin' to do something nice.

Let me tell ya somethin', buddy.

When the four of us got aboard this ship,

we were the best of friends.

We had perfectly good marriages.

Ha!

All things considered.

And now you know what we got? We got nothin'.

No friendships, no marriages, nothin'.

[ Indistinct arguing resumes ]

Hi.

Hello, ace. I was hoping you were dead.

Yeah. Look, uh, I feel terrible about all this.

I-I just wanted --

Mrs. Harper, it is not what you think!

I hardly know your...Husband.

Stop, Judy. She won't listen to you when she's like this.

Why don't we go somewhere where we can talk?

This is the lowest.

You're doing it right outside our door.

I don't have to take this from you, Darlene.

We were just talking. At least Judy understands me.

I'm packin'. I'm movin' out.

Mrs. Harper, I -- I don't know how this happened.

I -- -i do.

You couldn't corner a single man on this trip,

so you had to go after one on his honeymoon.

Oh, some honeymoon. I know they marry people

on ships, maybe they could give us a divorce.

Fine with me!

Mrs. Harper, may I say something?

Sure!

[ Exhales forcefully ]

Come on, Judy, cheer up. It can't be that bad.

Yes, it can.

There are newlyweds onboard who'll be filing divorce papers

before their thank-you notes go out.

Well, I think I'll turn in.

Wait a minute, Adam.

[ Knock on door ]

Captain, I'd like to say something.

Captain, captain, will you --

please, please will you tell this man that he is crazy?

I'm a busy man. Can't you find someone else to do that?

Yes, captain, I would like to say --

captain, I just wanted to tell --

captain!

Captain, I would like to say at this time

that the years serving under you

have been the most enjoyable and educational

of my entire career -- how --

what is he talking about?

Captain, he thinks he's going to prison.

Look, I got to run.

Adam.

Captain...

Captain, I think I owe it to the cruise line

to offer my resignation.

Don't tell me you're going to prison with gopher.

Well, I -- I guess they could press charges.

I'm the captain of this ship,

and I don't know what's happening here.

So, will someone please tell the captain what's going on?

Captain, please, sir!

[ All shouting indistinctly ]

Ace!

Ace.

Well, sir,

things started going wrong from the first day of the cruise.

You see, there were these two couples --

the mercers and the logans.

Now they had been best friends for a long, long time.

-Well, very nice. -Nice.

I understand they have a great gym on the ship.

Oh, that's fabulous 'cause I want to burn off 500 calories

before dinners so I can have dessert.

Mmm.

I hear they have a wonderful library.

Oh, well, if you, uh, don't find what you want,

I have the "collected works of melville."

I thought it'd be a gas to read "Moby dick" on the open sea.

-There you. -Okay.

Ah, hello.

-Hi. Welcome aboard. -Hi.

Thank you. We're the logans and the mercers.

Okay. Uh, Mr. Logan?

You got it.

Uh, you and Mrs. Logan are in aloha 331.

-No. -No, no, no, no.

This is Mrs. Mercer. That's my wife, Betty.

I'm Mrs. Logan

I'm Marc Mercer, Paula Mercer.

Hello.

Maybe you guys should wear name tags.

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

-Enjoy your cruise. -Okay.

Thank you.

Excuse me, folks. How about a picture?

-Oh, oh, a picture! -Yeah.

-All right. -Come on, hon.

Let's have a big smile. That's it.

Great. All right. One more.

Stand up straight, come on. There we go. That's it.

Great. Fantastic. Enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

-Bye-bye. -Bye.

Nice to have met you, captain stubing.

It's my pleasure.

Gopher.

Gopher, you're dreaming.

Thank you, sir.

Lost weeks that way.

Gentlemen, Simon Beck, here.

Well, I'm captain stubing.

And this is our purser, Mr. Smith.

The purser, eh? Just the man I'm looking for.

I assume you know who I am.

Yes, sir. You're Simon Beck.

Now, this case contains a priceless piece of sculpture --

a mask of the aztec god mixcoatl,

one of the finest examples of pre-columbian art

the world has ever seen.

But isn't it kind of risky carrying that around with you?

Captain, life without art is a barbarity.

I would risk anything,

anything to remain near the things I treasure.

Will you kindly put this in the ship's vault?

I'll be glad to take care of this for you, sir.

Good-bye, my little darling.

Daddy will not be far off.

Ooh, the Harpers, our newlywed couple.

Well, well.

Uh, listen, if there's anything you need, uh,

directions to the pool...

The casino...

Movie schedule.

We need a cabin, fast.

Oh, of course you do. Follow me.

Welcome aboard. We hope you enjoy your cruise.

We'll be leaving --

oh, we're already leaving.

Well, I hope everyone is onboard.

Ace, stop kicking yourself.

So your camera didn't work and you ruined a roll of film.

So what? It happens to me all the time.

Doc, I'm a professional photographer.

I ruined the boarding pictures.

How would you like that if it happened with your x-rays?

Look, why don't you take some candid pictures

of people you missed?

Then, at the end of the cruise,

you can give them a special package,

and that'll make them forget the boarding pictures.

Hmm?

There, you see? I'm the photographer.

I should've thought of that.

Oh, ace, take it easy.

A guy with your looks, all that family money,

with women throwing themselves at you,

how can you get so down on yourself?

You think it's easy having everything?

Well...

I'd be happy to return that key for you.

♪♪

Oh, those look good. I'll got get us four of those.

No alcohol in mine, I don't want to puff up.

Ah.

Honey, let me know when it's 10 minutes so I can turn.

Betty, you act like you're cookin' a roast.

Nil, how about some lotion?

[ Both sigh, moan ]

You two okay?

Not seasick, are you?

No, the lotion was, uh, cold.

Hi, there. Mind if I sit down?

I wish you wouldn't.

That's okay.

Sat down a lot yesterday.

Look, you seem like a nice person.

And I suppose I could accept

the dinner invitation that you're about to offer,

and we might even have a good time and make passionate love.

Sounds like a plan so far.

All right.

Since we obviously come from two different worlds,

why waste our time on a relationship

that doesn't stand a chance?

My thoughts exactly.

Have a nice cruise.

Excuse me, miss kenan.

You seem to be under the impression

that I work here on this ship.

Well, don't you?

Well, you mean work here in the sense

of being an employee of the line, no.

But if you mean work here in the sense

of taking over the business some day, then yes.

Wait a minute...

You're from money?

From money?

That's cute.

Yeah, you might say I am money.

I'm just trying to blend in with the employees here

so I can understand their ways.

But what I earn as purser here wouldn't keep me in ferraris,

racehorses, or rembrandts.

Hmm, you don't look like an art collector.

I have a small but select collection.

Matter of fact,

a rather interesting pre-columbian piece

was delivered to me just today.

Oh, pre-columbian art fascinates me.

Can I see it?

Well, that might be difficult.

You're making all this up, aren't you?

Difficult, not impossible.

Okay. Why don't we say after dinner tonight?

9:30-ish?

9:30-ish.

♪♪

How did you do?

Got a date.

All I have to do is commit grand theft.

Yes, but I still don't understand how all of this

gets us to three divorces and gopher going to prison.

Sir, that's exactly what I wanted to discuss it with you.

Very simple, captain.

Sir, sir.

Sir!

Sir, the only thing I know anything about is the Harpers.

Now, the next time

I saw them they were just coming up for air.

I don't know why we come up on the deck.

It is such a waste of honeymoon time.

Sweetheart, even minks have to rest sometime.

[ Both chuckle ]

What am I gonna do?

Well, didn't you bring a book?

Now, why would I bring a book?

Mr. and Mrs. Harper, as long as you're up,

why don't I show you around the ship?

Oh, thanks. But I don't think we're gonna have time.

[ Chuckles lightly ]

No, honey, why don't you go ahead?

I don't want to move for at least a half hour.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Rest up, we've got a long, long night ahead of us.

♪♪

Gopher, I think you're making a big mistake.

Isaac, this sculpture was entrusted to me for safekeeping.

Now if I think that it will be safer in my cabin

than in the vault, it is my obligation to move it.

I am only doing my job.

Gopher, this is Isaac.

And I know you are stealing a priceless art object

for a night of cheap thrills.

Must you reduce everything to it's basest element?

Both: Ooh.

That's ugly.

Gopher, I think this is wrong.

Isaac, stop making me out to be a common criminal.

This is all perfectly legitimate.

Now lend me your handkerchief.

What for?

Fingerprints.

Fingerprints? Now you are acting crazy.

Gopher, you are the purser.

Your fingerprints are supposed to be on the vault.

You're right.

Hi, honey.

You rested?

I took a full ships tour with Judy to give you enough time.

Oh, they got a great gym onboard.

I lifted some weights.

You are gonna love me all pumped up.

Yes, yes.

Here.

Happy anniversary.

It's been 7 days since we met.

No, don't touch me! I'm sunburned.

Sunburned?

Well, I got some lotion.

[ Laughs ]

How about this, huh? Strawberry?

Nah. Grape? Nah.

Banana daiquiri.

No, no. No rubbing, no touching,

no nothing until the pain goes away.

We'll just have to think of something else to do.

Like what?

Dinner started a half an hour ago

in the continental dining room. I-I'm sorry.

I mean, i-I'm sorry I-I didn't let you know.

N-not I'm sorry dinner's being served.

[ Chuckles ]

Remember the time the four of us went up to yosemite

and rented that old cabin?

Oh, yeah.

That place was crawling with bugs.

Now that was an adventure.

You know, I can never get over the fact

that we each married people so different than ourselves.

I guess that's what makes our marriages so strong --

the differences, random pieces in a vast puzzle

somehow creating a beautiful picture.

I have a fabulous idea.

Let's go up to the observation deck.

We can face into the wind and enjoy that fresh sea air.

Oh, no. I don't think so.

Honey, I just spent an hour getting my hair done.

-Oh... -Well, they're, uh,

playing "cyrano De bergerac" in the theater.

It's a great movie. -Oh, I've got it.

Why don't the two of you go to the movies,

and the two of us will go up to the observation deck,

and we'll, uh, catch you later?

Well, I hate to break up the foursome

but it's okay with me.

[ Gasps ]

Betty: What's the matter, honey? You okay?

Uh, just hiccups. I must've drunk my coffee too fast.

[ Hiccups ]

Oh, take some water.

So I said to the waiter,

"I'm not only not leaving you a tip,

I'm going to buy this restaurant and have you fired."

And I did.

[ Laughs ]

So, did you ever see this poor waiter again?

No, I never heard from my brother again.

Interesting family.

I've often wondered what became of him.

-Ooh. -Ah!

Oh! Hey, I'm sorry. Sorry.

-It's okay. -I forgot.

Honey, that coat looks, uh, good on you.

Where'd you get it?

I got it at the gift shop.

I can't believe I had to buy extra clothes on this trip.

I never expected to wear any.

Well, I think you look very nice in a tie.

Well, it's not really me. I'm not a tie guy.

I'm a t-shirt and shorts guys.

For me, gettin' dressed up's puttin' on a pair of socks.

I've got 'em on, don't worry about it.

What are we eatin'?

I ordered the coquilles St. Jacques,

the brioche escargots bourguignonne.

Hey, I'm not into that fancy stuff.

You give me a burger and fries anytime.

Oh, yeah. That's great.

Soup is cold.

Hey, waiter.

Uh, Brent, that's gazpacho.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Hey, gazpacho. Warm this up for me, will ya?

♪♪

[ Both moaning ]

Oh.

I can't stand this, being this near to you

and not being able to just...

Oh, I know. All those nights of planning,

I thought this moment would never come.

You sure you want to go through with this?

Are you crazy? Of course I do.

No, no. Not here.

Of course not.

Where?

Your cabin.

My cabin?

Yes.

No, no, no.

Betty's liable to get tired and come back

and want to turn in early.

Um, let's go to your cabin.

Oh, yes.

No, no, no.

Marc, Marc's seen the movie a dozen times.

If Betty comes back, Marc will too.

We got to find someplace.

I know.

Oh, nil, you're an animal.

Cyrano: ...Be afraid?

Love more to make a visit than a poem?

Seek introductions, favors, influences?

No, thank you.

No, I thank you and again, I thank you.

But to sing, to laugh, to dream.

Mm!

No, no. We have to control ourselves and stick to the plan.

Right, now tomorrow when --

[ laughs ]

When the ship gets to port, uh,

we'll all go ashore together. All right?

And when they start doing their jock things,

we'll just make some excuse and sneak back to the ship.

Oh, darling. I can hardly wait till tomorrow.

I'm trying to watch the movie.

Oh, sorry.

I -- I thought she was someone else.

My soul be satisfied with flowers, with weeds,

with thorns even,

but gather them in the one garden you may call your own.

Judy: The international lounge

is proud to present the mermaids!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪ Shaba doo ba, shaba doo ba-dah ♪

On the dot, 9:30.

Hmm.

Not much of a cabin for the owner of the shipping line.

Well, it may not be the Plaza,

but I think you'll find it has all the necessities --

food, drink, furniture.

You know, I can't make up my mind about you.

This could all just be a feeble attempt to seduce me.

Don't be silly.

Champagne?

I wonder if you're really what you claim to be...

...a shipping heir, an art collector.

Does it matter?

I mean, when you really get down to it,

does it really matter?

You bet it matters.

That's what I thought.

Okay. Here your go.

Oh, it's breathtaking.

Yeah, yeah.

It kind of took my breath away the first time I saw it.

Want to hold it?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. Here, I'll just take that.

Oh, no!

Is it completely destroyed?

No.

Just the nose.

♪♪

♪ Shakin' the blues away ♪

♪ unhappy news away ♪

♪ if you are blue, it's easy to ♪

♪ shake off your cares and troubles ♪

♪ tellin' the blues to go ♪

♪ they may refuse to go ♪

♪ but as a rule, they'll go if you'll ♪

♪ shake them away ♪

♪ do like the voodoos do ♪

♪ listen to ♪

♪ a voodoo melody ♪

♪ they shake their bodies so ♪

♪ to and fro ♪

♪ with every shake ♪

♪ a lucky break ♪

♪ provin' that there's a way ♪

♪ to chase your cares away ♪

♪ if you would lose your weary blues ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

♪ shake it ♪

[ Applause ]

♪♪

[ Applause ]

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Music resumes ]

♪♪

Where's Vicki with my aspirin?

She'll be back in a minute, sir.

Good 'cause when I get a headache

I start wanting to fire people.

-Yes, sir. -Yes, sir.

Gopher, I, uh, take it the damage

to the sculpture was extensive.

I guess you might call total destruction extensive.

You destroyed a priceless piece of art

just to impress a woman?

And I suppose destroying two marriages

is all in a day's work for you, right?

Please, this is not a contest to see

who did the most damage on the ship.

If it were, I'd have a hard time picking the winner.

Let's get back to the Harpers.

Judy, you told me that they only knew each other for 7 days

before they got married?

That's right, sir. That's right.

It's hard to believe, isn't it?

Not really.

Doc knew his third wife for 4 days.

Or was it his fourth wife for 3 days?

[ Clears throat ]

Just trying to lighten the moment, sir.

Don't.

Go on, Judy.

Well, uh, the next time I saw Brent and Darlene,

things were going downhill fast.

Vicki: You'll be spending the day in beautiful mazatlaán,

where there's windsurfing, beautiful beaches,

and great shopping.

Judy: Vicki, we're in acapulco.

Oh.

You'll be spending the day in beautiful acapulco

where there's windsurfing, beautiful beaches,

and great shopping.

You're up bright and early this morning, beautiful.

I didn't dance the night away.

I'm sorry about that, honey.

You know, when your sunburn's better,

I'm gonna dance with you.

I don't dance.

What?

What kind of person doesn't dance?

Well, what kinda person doesn't know what gazpacho is?

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Harper,

um, shall I sign you up to go to the bull fights this afternoon?

It is a beautiful day for it.

Hey, a bull fight!

How about it, honey? I've always wanted to see one.

Let's go to the bull fight. -Good.

Oh, sounds like fun --

sweaty crowds, violence, and bloodshed.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, well, I can see you two are well on your way

to a compromise, so I'll just be running along.

So, what are we going to do?

How's your sunburn?

Forget it.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Perfect

[ knock on door ]

-Who is it? -Isaac.

-Anybody see ya? -A lot of people saw me.

I work here.

That's good. We'll stay with that story.

You work here.

Ooh, what happened to its nose?

Oh, well, that settles it.

If you noticed it, then Beck is sure to.

Isaac, wait a minute.

Didn't you tell me that you have a friend?

A guy who's an artist who's got a studio in acapulco.

Yeah, I got a friend. He's a sculptor.

-That's great! -He's a real clever guy.

He could even get that nose off your finger.

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Julio: Esta muy feo.

-What does that mean? -It means it is very ugly.

Julio, what do you think? Can you fix it or not?

You sure you don't want me to make you something new?

I just got a shipment of anodized aluminum.

Uh, Julio, please, this is very important.

Bueno, sií, sií, I can fix it.

Good. And you can fix it so it looks like

it was never, ever broken?

Are you kidding?

I can fix it so that it looks like it was never, ever broken.

It'll cost you $100.

Julio, if you can do this, you're a life saver, man.

Muchas gracias.

Now when can I have it?

Six weeks, 2 months, a year.

I'll give you $200.

It'll be ready at 4:00.

♪♪

Did you get it?

I got it.

Isaac, this is great.

I owe you a big one for this.

You also owe me $200,

which had to come out of my own pocket.

Ah!

Isn't that different than it was?

Yes, it's different!

It looks like it's been a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon!

There's a note.

Amigos, hope you enjoy the new nose.

I made one just like the original,

but I threw it away

i cannot compromise my artistic integrity.

That's great, Isaac.

He's got his integrity, and I'm ruined.

It's gonna take you the rest of your life

to pay for that thing.

Mm, assuming I live another 200 years.

Vicki: Just a reminder, the ship will be sailing at midnight.

For those of you still on L.A. time,

that would be 10:00 P.M.

And for our passengers from New York, that would be,

um, let's see, 1:00 -- 1:00 P.M.,

or 1:00 A.M. or is it earlier?

Merrill: Vicki, you're going to have to write these things out.

I thought we would never get away from them.

It was sheer brilliance when you said you didn't want to

see the cliff divers 'cause you were afraid of heights.

It just came to me.

Wait, uh, I can't do it in front of my best friend's clothes.

-What? -Let's just go to my cabin.

I never thought we'd get away from them.

I can't believe they wanted to watch a chess tournament

instead of cliff divers.

Those games can go on for hours.

They might even miss the ship.

Oh.

Oh, Marc must've taken my key.

Never mind, let's go to my cabin.

Oh.

I've got it. I've got it.

You want us to go on, sir?

Yes. I have one question.

Mm-hmm.

What is that?

The mercers and the logans came back on this ship

but with the wrong wives?

That's right. Uh, but I didn't know that until later.

You see, I was down in the darkroom

trying to make everyone happy.

♪♪

You nervous?

Are you?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Smooching ]

Oh, nil, nil, nil!

Nil.

No, these are fake buttons.

-Huh? -The zipper's in the back.

Oh.

I found it. I found it.

Oh.

Nil, how can we do this?

Oh, on the floor, on the bed. I don't care.

No, no, no. I mean -- I mean to Marc and Betty.

[ Sighs ]

Why did you have to mention them?

[ Sighs ]

I'm having trouble getting into this.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Oh, uh, m-maybe if we took off our wedding rings.

Huh?

It won't come off.

I'm sorry, Marc.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

Does it usually stick?

[ Voice breaking ] I don't know. I've never taken it off.

[ Sobbing ]

Marc has always been the kindest,

most understanding husband a woman could ask for.

You know how emotional I am,

Betty is the one who's really kept me going over the years.

They're wonderful people.

The best.

Well, I guess this is it.

[ Knock on door ]

[ Laughs ] Mr. Logan?

-Yeah. -Uh, Mr. Logan,

I have a very special surprise for you.

Your boarding pictures were ruined, but I've been taking

pictures of you and your wife throughout the cruise.

And well, I thought you, uh,

might like to have some of these.

Okay. Thanks.

My compliments.

Paula.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Logan.

Hi.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my god!

Yeah. I just gave a set of these to the mercers next door

and they had quite the same reaction.

Marc.

Nil.

Paula.

Betty?

[ Squeals ]

Uh, anything wrong?

Something is definitely wrong.

Good evening, Mr. Beck.

Ah, my young friend, the purser.

I wanted to ask you a question about your sculpture.

I trust my little sweetheart

is securely locked up in your vault, safe and sound.

Oh, yes, sir. It's in there safe and safe.

Uh, what I wanted to ask was what's the ballpark value

of a thing like that?

Well, let's just say, if you have to ask,

you can't afford it.

Right.

[ Chuckling ]

How much?

Half a million.

That's a lot of money.

But I'll bet you those insurance premiums are sky-high, huh?

Frankly, they're outrageous.

That's why I don't pay them.

You don't have any insurance?

Unh-unh.

That's why I put it in your vault.

Well, I think I'll just get in out of this night air.

♪♪

[ Laughter, indistinct conversations

When I met Darlene, it was so perfect.

Now I don't know what's different.

Well, you just met her a week ago.

Yeah, that's when she moved in across the hall.

We met over a grease fire in her boiler.

How romantic.

We couldn't stand being away from each other.

I mean, physically it was so right, you know.

It was so complete.

Mm.

And you thought everything was gonna be like that?

Oh, exactamente.

But then I realized we have nothing in common

except great sex.

Oh, dear.

Oh, it felt so right when we were dancing together.

Mr. Harper, I think this has taken a wrong direction.

I should've expected this.

-Mrs. Harper. -Um...

You've been after my husband ever since we boarded.

Well, you can have him.

I don't want him.

Goph, there you are.

I've been looking for you all day.

Millicent, I have something I have to tell you.

I am not the rich, young tycoon you think I am.

Oh, it doesn't matter darling.

I'm interested in you, not your money.

Do you really mean that?

Of course I do.

I wouldn't care if all you had was your purser salary.

I may not even have that.

There's a very good chance I'll be fired.

Oh, how can you be fired?

You own the company.

I just told you. I don't own anything.

You mean you really aren't rich?

Isn't that just what I said?

I thought that was some kind of a test

to see if I was the right kind of a girl.

Oh, you've really got a lot of nerve.

Well, captain, uh, that's about it.

The last time I saw the Harpers,

she accused me of stealing her husband.

That's the end of my story.

Does this help, dad?

Not really, honey.

Normally, the captain

is responsible for everything that happens on his ship.

But from what I can tell, none of this is my fault.

If you wanted help, you should've come to me,

and I would have gladly...

-Yeah, but, sir, you see, I -- -never interrupt the captain

when he's reprimanding his troops,

especially when he has a headache.

Yes, sir.

And since you were so anxious to get my attention,

perhaps I'll start with you.

In the future, before you snap the shutter,

i want you to say, "hi, I'm ace, the ship's photographer.

Who are you?"

That's a good idea. Thank you, sir.

Ms. McCoy, I trust you will think twice

before practicing marriage counseling without a license.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

Now for your problem, gopher.

Yes, sir.

I want you to know that the line will back you up.

Oh, thank you, sir.

This is going to be money well spent, I assure you.

I am talking about emotional support.

As far as the money is concerned,

I'm afraid you're going to have to be on your own.

Thank you, sir.

First thing tomorrow morning,

I want you to tell Mr., uh, Mr., uh,...

-Beck. -Mr. Beck, thank you,

that you broke his statue.

Sure will. Thank you, sir.

I didn't do anything, sir.

Adam, wake up.

What? What? Oh.

Is that it? Can I go to bed now?

No, I think we should all go to bed.

It's the one place we can stay out of trouble.

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

Mr. and Mrs. Harper, look, I'm not supposed to be here,

but I just had to give this one more shot.

There's a few things here we have to work out.

First of all, nothing happened between me and Brent.

He came to me to talk,

and what I was gonna say to him, well,

what I was gonna say to him is that for a marriage to work,

two people have to accept their differences

and even learn to enjoy them.

So, why don't you take tonight and try to work things out?

That's all I have to say.

Night.

What do you think?

Well, she's right.

We don't know each other.

We need to talk.

Um, ex -- excuse me, uh, one more thing --

don't tell the captain you saw me.

So...

Where you from?

You know, dad, I think that doc and I should get

a reward for being the only two

who didn't mess things up on the cruise.

-That reminds me... -Hmm?

First thing tomorrow morning, I want to talk to you

about your announcements.

Yes, sir.

[ Sighs ]

We'll be docking in Los Angeles in 45 minutes.

I have no idea what time it is there.

♪♪

Uh, good morning, ace.

Hey, look, I'm sorry.

I -- I feel terrible about all of this.

I was just trying to do a good thing.

Calm down. We took a vote,

and it's three-to-one not to kill ya.

Thank god for majority rule.

Who was the one?

Not important.

In fact, we stayed up all night talking this thing out.

And we realized you did us a favor.

You're kidding?

-Nope. -Yeah.

I mean, none of us ever cheated before.

And -- and the way things were going last night,

we probably wouldn't have then,

but it still would've been on our minds.

Your pictures brought it out in the open,

and we had to deal with it.

23 years of marriage and friendship is somethin'

you just can't throw away.

Right. What's a little infidelity among friends, huh?

Forget I said that.

Don't worry about it.

All right. Take care, everybody.

-Bye-bye. -I'll see you.

-Time is wasting. -Bye.

-Bye-bye. -Good bye.

-Um, ace... -Yeah.

-The negatives... -Burned.

Good boy.

Incidentally, I was the one.

Judy, we couldn't leave the ship without thanking you.

Yeah, Darlene and I took your advice,

we talked about our differences

and we really couldn't be happier.

Oh, I am so relieved.

I guess the secret to the whole thing is getting to know

each other better, right?

Yeah, we talked for hours and hours,

and we realized that outside of great sex,

we can't stand each other.

We don't like the same food,

the same movies, politics, TV shows, clothes.

I mean, it's like we're from different species.

We realized that we never should have gotten married.

So thanks to you, we're gettin' a divorce.

Ah, gentlemen, thank you for a wonderful cruise.

I can't remember when I felt so relaxed.

Mr. Beck, there's something that I have to tell you.

You seem nervous, Smith.

Perhaps you should take a cruise.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no. No.

Now, now, now, don't panic.

Perhaps it didn't break.

On the other hand, uh...

Mr. Beck, someday, somehow,

I will find a way to pay for that.

You can if you want to, but $150 isn't gonna break me?

$150?! What happened to priceless?

The real mixcoatl is priceless.

This is just a copy.

A copy?

Only the decoy for would-be thieves.

I never let real one out of my sight.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What about this one?

Tell you what, you keep it.

Glue it back together and have yourself a souvenir.

Glue it together?

What an idea.

Certainly, that's what I did every time

the nose kept breaking off.

♪♪

♪♪