Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love, love exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, love is life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow, it floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat, promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love, love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile, on a friendly shore.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

Welcome aboard, it's love!

Welcome aboard, it's love!

[Music playing]

When you say we'd be taking a new ship,

this is not exactly what we had in mind, captain.

Here in Egypt, the camel is considered the ship

of the desert, miss McCoy.

Oh!

Hey, doc, do seasick pills work for camels?

I don't know.

Give your camel one and find out.

You know, I studied Egypt in school,

but I never thought I'd see it.

Cairo, a cruise up the nile.

It's a dream come true.

Next time, think you could work a limo into the dream?

[Yelling]

I suggest you all take the chance to see Cairo today.

We'll meet at the ship this afternoon.

[Music playing]

Judy: Oh, wow!

I've heard the pyramids were big,

but I didn't know they were this big.

That's why them the great pyramid, Judy.

Let's climb it.

Climb it?

J-- Judy, do you know how tall it is?

[Scream]

Yeah!

450 feet high, 2.5 million stone blocks.

I am going to scramble over every one of them

all the to the top.

Judy.

Last one is a mummy's uncle.

Judy, what are you, a mountain goat?

Wait up.

You look like you could use a hand.

Oh, actually-- thanks.

It's a more difficult climb than it appears.

Definitely worth the effort.

Oh, yeah.

So you come here often?

Whenever I'm in the neighborhood.

This is my first time.

Am I, uh, interrupting something?

Unfortunately not.

Well, I've got to be going anyways.

Oh, but [inaudible] again when you're in town.

It's a date.

He's a kid, Judy.

He's a hunk, ace.

Egyptian Cruise - Part 1

Mother of Pearl ivory [inaudible],,

finely crafted by a master.

And for you, only 50 pounds.

Well, that's not so bad.

Doc, this is the Khan al-khalili.

This is the oldest bazaar in Cairo.

They expect you to bargain here.

50 pounds?

49 pounds.

It is yours.

Hey, dad, you've got a natural talent for this sort of thing.

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

[Inaudible],, you are with one of the nile cruise boats.

Yeah, the "Alexander the great."

Ah, Americans

uh-huh.

Behold, sir, golden ankh, treasure

from the pharaohs tomb.

Please, take it, my gift to you.

Come on, now, I wasn't born yesterday.

How much is that really going to cost me?

20?

25?

Just take it.

All right, 10 pounds.

Sold!

I wonder what all these hieroglyphics mean.

Oh, it's probably Egyptian for, made in Taiwan.

[Singing]

[Speaking arabic]

What?

That's arabic for please.

Why do you bother with that?

Huh?

I mean, everybody here speaks English.

I think it's nice to try.

I find it embarrassing.

These shoe coverings are considered a sign of respect

for the mosque.

Oh, how do you say thank you in arabic?

Shokran with a long o.

Shokran?

My wife's a schoolteacher.

You'll have to forgive her.

She thinks the world is her classroom.

Oh, no, I love learning new things.

Good, there'll be a pop quiz in 15 minutes.

I see you're a captain.

You wouldn't be steaming up the nile today on the "Alexander

the great," would you?

Indeed, we would.

I'm merrill stubing.

This is my daughter, Vicki.

Oh, nice to meet you, captain.

I take it you'll be putting your lives in my hands

for the next week or so.

Ah, that call from the states is coming in at 2 o'clock.

Can we play small world some other time?

My husband isn't much on sightseeing.

So enjoy your visit.

Oh, thank you.

Shokran, long o.

Very good.

Go to the head of the class.

[Music playing]

There she is, Vicki, the "Alexander the great,"

our home for the next two weeks.

Well, merrill, isn't she a little--

well--

I think the word that doc is looking for, sir, is small.

Maybe if we're sailing the pacific, but with a flat bottom

drop of less than 2 meters, 55 cabins, dining room lounge,

and sun deck, her proportions are

perfect for cruising the nile.

Nabil, everybody, this is nabil El masri, our boss

for the next two weeks.

Ah, nice to see you.

Nabil and I met while he was researching

the care and training of the cruise ship.

Merrill was the most efficient and knowledgeable

captain I talked to.

We'll never hear the end of this.

Nabil: I tried to hire him away, but this one

cruise was the most like to talk him into, and on one condition.

Well, actually, six conditions.

When I heard what he had to say about you,

what could I say except, [Speaking arabic],,

welcome aboard.

And all I can say is, don't let me down.

[Music playing]

From the way you're dressed, I'm guessing

you're part of the ship.

Your ship's doctor, Adam ricker.

And from the way you asked that question,

I'm guessing you're a passenger.

Right.

Helen branigan.

Welcome.

Thank you.

This is the cruise merrill stubing is in charge of.

Aha, a limited engagement, one cruise only.

Shall I tell him you're aboard?

Oh, no, no, please, privileged information,

part of our doctor-passenger relationship.

Aha.

Thanks.

Well, whoever's in 113 doesn't believe in traveling light.

There's no passenger assigned.

A crate with it's own cabin?

This ship is something else.

Even the luggage is traveling first class.

Oh, no, not luggage, Isaac, but a 3,000-year-old pharaoh

sarcophagus on its way from the Cairo museum to a new

exhibit at karnak temple.

Hmm, sarcophagus.

Yeah, as in mummy.

Mhm.

As in curse of the--

mhm.

Mhm.

Isaac, not real good with curses.

See you later.

Take care.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Hello.

I like your uniform.

Are you the captain?

Not quite.

Well, hello again.

Hello.

No, no, I'm Judy McCoy, the cruise director.

Actually, it's really the same as being

the captain without that awful burden of responsibility.

Well, you have a room here for Christopher Stewart?

If not, you can have mine.

I mean--

that's ok.

Let's see, Stewart, Christopher,

[inaudible],, cabin 315, not quite

the climb you're used to, but--

I think I can manage, thanks.

You're welcome.

[Music playing]

Gopher: Who's in the car?

Who's that, an Egyptian politician or a secretary

of state?

Captain: Control yourself, gentlemen,

that is miss Deborah Grant, america's

number one movie star.

Please, do you have any questions?

The cameras.

Yes, it's been an exhausting trip.

[Inaudible] This way.

Turn around, please.

[Interposing voices]

Now, now.

How do you like Cairo?

Over here, miss Grant.

Have you been doing research on it?

How do you like Cairo?

Miss Grant? Miss Grant?

Over here.

Word has it you're going to star

in a remake of "Cleopatra."

Any truth to that?

Mr. Richmond, you're a long way

from that cheap Hollywood tabloid they call a newspaper,

aren't you?

Nice to see you again too.

About the remake--

what about the remake?

Are you doing research on it?

I have always felt a mysterious connection

with "Cleopatra," much the way Mr. Richmond

here must feel about pt barnum.

If I do the movie, it will not be a remake.

It will be the only version of "Cleopatra."

Modestly put.

Sorry, sorry, got to go.

The nile is calling.

It's [inaudible] From my producer.

Bye, boys.

Reporter: One more, miss Grant, over here.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, welcome aboard.

I'm Adam bricker, your ship's full-service physician,

on call 24 hours a day.

Carrie barton.

I'm looking for cabin 219.

Is this it?

I'd be delighted to show you the way.

I'm not on a pleasure cruise, doctor,

to so perhaps you should save the bedside manner

for your patients.

Aha, in that case, through that door, one deck down.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

It's just not a good time for me

to be leaving work and going running

around with [inaudible].

Greg, you have not left work.

Notice that you brought the office with you.

All right, look, you asked me to come along.

I came.

I have responsibilities.

It is not everyone that gets three months

off for vacation every year.

Honey, I just thought it would be good, you know,

for us to spend some time together.

You know, go see new places and talk.

We talk.

We talk all the time.

But we never say anything.

Gopher: Here we are, miss Grant.

We have a suite reserved in your name.

You know what they say, sweets to the suite.

I loved you in your last film.

Are you two being paid to work or to prowl?

Work.

Work.

Hook that barge, and lift that bale.

Sorry.

[Inaudible].

Deborah?

You weren't due for another hour.

Well, the plane was early.

The traffic was light.

Absolutely nothing has gone right today.

Who's this?

Oh, this is your press photographer.

Roger heggen was supposed to meet us,

but he's stranded in Amsterdam.

So, luckily Deborah, we were able to get the ship's

photographer to fill in.

The ship's photographer?

Yeah.

A ship's photographer is in charge of my publicity photos?

Ace Evans, miss Grant.

This is really a pleasure.

Oh, I'm sure.

Well, I suppose he'll just have to do.

Deborah, the reporter who's covering a cruise for you,

somebody you're really going to like,

he's the best in his field.

Here he is now.

Now I am really looking forward to working

closely with you, miss Grant.

Sawyer: Mr. Richmond, miss Grant,

Mr. Richmond, oh, you're--

you're really going to like him.

My name is not on your dotted line yet, Mr. Sawyer.

A lot is riding on how this trip goes,

and this is not an auspicious beginning.

Where's my cabin. - Cabin?

Ah, cabin? Right this way.

- Show me. - Right over there.

It's that way. - I'll show you.

Do it. Do it.

Do it.

Ace: This way.

[Music playing]

[Whistle]

[Whistle]

Yah!

Captain stubing, I presume.

Helen.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so glad you changed your mind about coming.

Oh, I am too.

I think they showed "death on the nile" on the flight over,

so I'll have to let you know.

Oh, you're still as beautiful as ever.

Oh, please.

Am I going to trust my life on the river

to a man with your eyesight?

Oh, you never could take a compliment.

Oh.

Oh, Luxor, edfu, aswan.

Frank would have loved this.

He was the world explorer, you know?

Our photo albums look like "national geographic."

I'm sorry, Helen, I truly am.

Frank and I grew up together.

But he was my best friend too.

He is.

I can't think of him in the past tense.

He's very much alive to me.

Well, there was a vacant chair at the captain's

table just waiting to be filled by a beautiful, charming woman.

Oh, nothing doing.

I want you to save that seat for me.

[Music playing]

This is some authentic Egyptian cruise.

We've got our own sarcophagus and everything.

I always wanted to see one of those up close.

Why don't we take a look?

No, no, no, no.

They put that thing in a crate for protection, ours.

You don't believe all that curse of the mummy stuff?

Well, i'm--

a big guy like you.

No.

Come on.

Isaac, this is breaking and entering.

We're not going to break anything.

I just want to have a little look.

Give me a hand with this, ok?

No, I don't think so, i--

come on, gopher.

Give me a hand.

[Music playing]

Seen enough?

Not yet.

I think I have.

This cabin is off limits to all but museum personnel.

What are you doing in here?

Room service, just came by to see if you needed a change

of sheets, but guess not.

Nice mummy you have there.

[Door knock]

Miss Grant, i--

I don't recall ordering room service.

Miss Grant, I'm merrill stubing, your captain.

Ah, a captain, how nice for you.

I was hoping you might dine at my table tonight.

It's not often we have the chance of sailing with such a

beautiful, charming--

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I try never to eat boat food unless I absolutely have to.

I've had a meal flown in from Paris.

I'm dining in another time.

Here we go.

Hello.

Mr. and Mrs. Peters, I'd like you

to meet Christopher Stewart.

Miss McCoy tells me we're going to be

tablemates for the duration.

Oh, welcome.

Pull up a chair.

Listen, Chris, since this ship is new to all of us,

we're very interested in the passengers' reactions.

Maybe you'd like to talk about it over a drink after dinner?

Subtlety, that's not one of her strong suits.

Mrs. Peters?

Yes.

Tri-city high school, sophomore history.

Mr. Peters: We have flown halfway

around the world to share a dinner table with one

of your former students?

Chris.

Chris Stewart.

Gee, uh, when you taught us much American history

as I have, I'm sorry.

That's ok.

It's been a few years since high school.

Not many, I guess.

So what brings you to the nile, Chris?

Well, I just graduated from Northwestern.

And I thought I'd see some of the world before settling down.

I figured there's enough time for the hard realities later,

oh, more than enough time.

This may seem like the dark ages to you,

but Helen and I go all the way back to our college days.

In fact, merrill introduced me to my husband,

frank, my late husband.

Captain: And one of the biggest mistakes in my life.

I can understand the captain's disappointment.

Oh, Mr. El masri, you are too much.

I could stop.

No, I can live with it.

So you just going to travel around then, Mrs. Branigan?

Oh, no, no, Vicki, I'm starting

a small business of my own.

Last semester, I took some management courses.

Well, that's wonderful.

I've learned quite a bit about running a small business

over the years.

Perhaps we could discuss your plans on deck after dinner.

Oh, that's very kind of you, but

with the jet lag and all the unpacking

I have to do, not tonight.

Another time then.

Beautiful night, isn't it?

Are you following me?

Well, I was here first.

So if anybody is following anybody, i--

this wouldn't have anything to do with our last interview,

would it?

The hatchet job, where you misquoted me,

took things out of context, and did everything

you could to print things that put

me in the worst light possible?

Hmm, well, I thought it was a fair and truthful

representation of our meeting.

You made me appear like an egocentric barracuda.

Hmm, I rest my case.

I don't know what strings you pull to get this job,

but I can pull some strings of my own.

So if you value your job, leave me alone.

Is that understood?

Yeah.

Understood and noted.

I got it for 10 pounds, quite a bargain, eh?

Well, that depends.

What price did he ask for it?

Well, he wanted--

well, it was going to be free.

Nice negotiating, doc.

Good evening, Dr. Bricker.

I'm afraid I was rather abrupt this afternoon.

But I had a lot on my mind.

Apology accepted, miss barton.

Carrie.

I thought I could make it up to you over a drink, Adam.

Even better.

Isaac.

Oh, that's beautiful.

An ankh is it?

May I see it.

Yes.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

Caught up on your sleep, I see.

Yes, up with the egrets.

Any award-winning photos?

Oh, no, no.

I can't seem to get into the spirit of it.

I feel as slow as the nile.

We'll be docking at Luxor shortly.

Perhaps you'd like to share a visit to the temple.

It's where I got my start as a tour guide,

and I still recall an interesting story or two.

Good morning, Helen.

Nabil.

Good morning, merill.

Is the nile always this calm?

Only when there are tourists on the river.

The rest of the time, it's even more peaceful.

Now, I'm sure it's a bit more exciting in Luxor.

Would you like to see the temples together,

look around after we're done?

Merrill and I have so much catching up to do.

Just only if you don't need me on board.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

You got us from Cairo to Luxor.

That's the hard part.

I believe the crew could handle the Alexandra dock.

Please, enjoy your day.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no, no, not now.

Everything's fine.

Announcer: Welcome to upper Egypt.

We're docking at Luxor, the ancient Egyptian capital

known to the Greeks as thebes.

Don't miss Luxor temple, one of the magnificent sites

of ancient Egypt.

Come on, honey.

Everyone's leaving for Luxor.

Listen, i--

I just can't relax until I get this manuscript right.

I mean, if I let another bestseller

slip through my fingers, Phillips

is going to have my head.

You go on without me.

But Greg.

Laurel, we have been through this before.

I mean, the work comes first.

It's paying for the trip.

You have a good time.

Ok, you too.

Luxor temple was begun approximately 3,500 years ago

by amenhotep III and added onto by succeeding pharaohs until it

reached its present size.

This closed loop, for example, is

the cartouche of rameses ii, the pharaoh's official signature.

Isaac: Wow!

That looks like a lot of work just to sign your name.

Yeah.

I bet he didn't get too many requests for his autograph.

[Laugh]

The treasure of the pharaohs wasn't just

gold and sliver, Adam.

It was incredible artistry, amazing workmanship.

Boy, for a dress designer you're really into egyptology,

aren't you?

Oh, I just read a lot.

Besides, anything handmade fascinates me.

Like that art, for instance.

I wish I had something like it to remind me of this trip.

Adam, would you consider selling it to me?

Ahh, miss barton, Dr. Bricker.

Nabil.

Hello.

I say, that's a beautiful ankh.

Treasure from a pharaoh's tomb.

I got it for 10 pounds.

A 10-pound treasure?

May I?

Of course.

Hmm, the workmanship is really quite good.

I'd have it appraised if I were you.

Really?

Good day.

Good day.

[Chime sound]

Captain: Did you know that every temple was

built as a house for the gods?

And the ancient Egyptians believed every pharaoh

became a god after death.

Hmm, I'm sure that theory was heavily

endorsed by the pharaohs.

Oh.

What's the matter, Helen?

You're not cold, are you?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's just that, well, the temples, the tombs,

I don't know.

It's difficult for me to find beauty in all

these monuments to death.

Hmm, well, they seem sort of comforting to me

in a strange sort of way.

It's like a celebration in the belief of an afterlife.

You know, I dreamed last night that we were all back

in college, you, and frank, and I. It

was exactly like my first day.

It was raining, and I was late to class, and I got lost.

And then you and frank came chugging up in

that old gray Chevy of yours.

Oh, yes, with a broken clutch in the top that leaks.

Oh, you know, it sounds silly, but I still miss those days.

So do I.

[Inaudible] This morning.

Oh, Chris, good morning.

Yes, it sort of looks that way.

Isn't this place fascinating?

Did you know that Luxor temple was really used only once

a year for a kind of a new year's celebration

in honor of the god, amun.

Ah, will you listen to me, teacher's instincts, I'm sorry.

I love your enthusiasm, I always did.

But do you mind if I tag along with you today.

It's always more fun travelling with someone.

All right.

Announcer: A short ferry boat ride across the nile from Luxor

is the valley of the kings, where the treasure filled

tomb of king tut, the boy king tutankhamen,

was discovered in 1922.

Sawyer: Deborah Grant as Cleopatra could make my career,

that is if we ever get started.

You think I could get her to pose on this column?

I can't even get her out of the trailer.

I'd like to look around and scout out a few more step ups.

Have I got the time?

At this rate, you can scout Peru.

Good luck.

Sawyer: Thanks.

I'll see you in a bit.

Richmond: Morning to you.

What?

Oh.

Ah, I thought we lost you this morning.

Nah, I was out and about at the crack of dawn.

Egyptian history has always fascinated me.

In fact, I might even do a piece right here

at hatshepsut's temple.

Shouldn't you be concentrating on Deborah

and the movie instead of ancient Egyptian kings?

Michael, you have not been reading your guidebook.

This is the temple of queen hatshepsut.

In the valley of the kings?

Richmond: She was considered one of the better pharaohs

of ancient Egypt, the throne, the crown,

even wore a ceremonial beard, the works, a pharaoh

with all the trimmings, but very definitely a woman.

I feel sorry for her producer.

Yeah, Betty gave her whatever she wanted.

Are you referring to hatshepsut or Deborah Grant?

To me, they are pretty much alike,

both powerful ladies, world at their feet, so to speak.

Hatshepsut, she knew what she wanted, and she took it.

Grant fought hard to get where she is.

When does the fighting stop?

When is she going to be satisfied?

When she's pharaoh?

Excuse me, are you traveling aboard one of the cruise ships

by any chance?

Yeah, I'm on the "Alexander the great."

We've docked in Luxor for the day.

Oh, sorry, ace Evans.

Jason Matthews.

Ace: Nice to meet you.

With the upper Egypt restoration authority.

Ace: Ah, restoring all of upper Egypt must be quite a job.

Well, we try to take one monument at a time.

And my next monument is some distance up river.

Any room among the tourists for a dusty archaeologist?

Well, we're booked solid right now,

but somebody might have checked off here at Luxor.

Listen, why don't you come by to see what we can do?

Great.

I'll collect my gear, see you aboard.

Great! Cool.

Thanks.

[Music playing]

Chris?

Chris?

Come with me.

I've got a better idea.

But the bus to the ship.

You can catch a bus in the states.

How often can you find this?

Ride along the nile before we go back?

Oh, Chris, i--

my treat.

Here, let me help you out.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh!

Oh, Craig would never do something like this.

Well, he doesn't know what he's missing.

I had a wonderful time today.

I [inaudible].

Well, thank you.

I enjoyed it to really.

How old are you now?

Now?

Right this very minute, I am 25.

I have a son, 21 next year.

Thank you for a wonderful day, Adam.

It's not over yet.

Will you join me for dinner tonight?

[Music playing]

Hey, doc, doc, listen, I just found out

that this thing on your arm is called a cartouche.

Well, thanks for telling me, Isaac,

I'll have it removed just as soon as we get home.

No, no, joke.

Really, it's like a famous name, and it

must have been a very popular one

because I saw the same cartouche on the sarcophagus down in 113.

Probably the ancient Egyptian equivalent of Smith or Jones.

Eh, excuse me, goph.

Hmm?

Would you please put this in your safe till we get to aswan?

I'm going to have it appraised.

Appraised?

Ok, doc, I'll put it right in there

right next to your I love Paris pillow and your statue

of Liberty clock.

Well, I think if we do something-- hello,

miss Grant, how was your day?

Hot, dusty, barren, take your choice.

Did my dinner arrive from Alfredo's in Rome?

Not that I'm aware of.

Yeah, I'll be dining with you tonight then.

The whole day has been a writeoff anyway.

[Music playing]

Hi, honey.

Hey, hi, how was your day?

Find any bestsellers?

Nothing.

Nothing exceptional, I just--

a science fiction piece by someone who obviously saw

"star wars" a time too many.

This is one of those glamorized sex novels.

Oh, do you have any ideas?

Maybe tomorrow in edfu, you can take

a break long enough to help me translate

some erotic hieroglyphics.

Hieroglyphics?

No, listen, if I can't, maybe that ex-student of yours

can help you.

Contributing to the delinquency of a minor, eh?

I think the pta would frown on that one.

Well--

[inaudible]

Whatever, whatever.

[Music playing]

Good evening, ladies and gentleman, dinner is now being

served in the dining room.

That's right, steak, medium, and a pot

of black coffee, cabin 114, but that would

be in the hall outside 113.

Thank you.

Is there a chance that Tom Selleck might be a Mark

Antony when you do Cleopatra?

Vicki, if I do Cleopatra, which at this moment

seems extremely doubtful, the prospect

of spending six months this far from rodeo drive, well--

oh, I believe you have missed the charm of Egypt, miss Grant.

You've got a point.

If there's charm here, I missed it.

Evening.

Good evening.

Is that seat taken?

Oh, Mr. Richmond, won't you please?

As a matter of fact, we are expecting someone.

Well, I'll just sit here until your guest arrives.

Please do.

Oops, oh, I seem to have spilled my wine.

I am so sorry.

I'm-- I'm sure it was just an accident, Mr. Richmond.

No, no, think nothing of it, Mr. Sawyer.

Well, I'll have to excuse myself.

Enjoy your meal.

Ah, now, where was I?

Ah, the charm of Egypt.

The guy over at the table, is he

the guy you were talking with this afternoon when

I was checking in, the one with the ankh?

Yeah, uh, Adam bricker, the ship's doctor.

Why?

I'm with restoration.

That's the undercover branch of the Egyptian antiquities

commission.

We've had reports of a ring trafficking in stolen

artifacts in this very area.

Yeah, but you don't think that doc--

- goodnight, Isaac. - Goodnight, doc.

Miss barton,

no, Isaac, not doc, miss barton.

I have every reason to believe she's one of them.

You look like you could use some company.

So I thought a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses.

Are you sure you're old enough to drink?

Now, don't make my age a crime.

From where i'm sitting, it is a crime.

Well, just between you and me, you

are the youngest lady on board.

And just between you and me, how much have

you had to drink tonight?

You shouldn't put yourself down like that.

Habit, I guess, defensive measure.

You have nothing to be defensive about.

Your husband is a very lucky man.

I'll remind him of that.

If you don't, I will.

Deal.

Well, nabil, I don't think you need me to tell you

what a well-run ship this is.

Well, you know me.

If there's something to worry about, I worry.

About this morning, for instance, i--

I didn't realize that you and Mrs. Branigan were involved.

Involved?

Oh, no.

Not since college, well, not since frank, actually.

The three of us were inseparable.

And once she started dating him, well, anyway, frank was about

the best friend I've ever had.

Helen obviously is the only one who misses him.

We're just two old friends who share some fond memories,

nothing more.

[Music playing]

Oh, hey, hey, wait a minute, let me help you with that.

Where are you going?

Mr. Abdul, in 113.

Thanks.

Ahh.

Mr. Abdul, um--

[door knock]

Anyone alive in there?

[Scream]

Easy, goph, it's me.

Of course that's you.

Who else could it be?

Doc, Mr. Abdul, no es en casa.

Doc, you'll never believe what I just heard.

Not now, Isaac!

The mummy's curse has claimed its first victim.

The guard isn't at his post, probably just

took a turn around the deck.

Tell that to the baked potato.

Isaac: Hey, gopher, ease up.

Now, doc is right.

Now, just take this tray, and put it down here on the chair,

and he'll show up.

Man, you are letting your imagination

get the best of you.

Oh.

Can I go with you?

[Music playing]

Announcer: Welcome to edfu, the site of one

of Egypt's best preserved temples.

Horse-drawn carriages are waiting

to take you to the temple of Horace, the falcon god.

[Music playing]

[Camera shutter]

Ace: Great!

Ok, now let's see the profile.

That's it.

Chin up just a little bit.

Oh, beautiful.

Ok, now here we go. Let's see the cape.

Bring it around.

That's it, fantastic.

It's beautiful.

Ok, now right in to the lens.

Come on, real sexy, real hot, right into the lens.

Here we go.

Come on, into the lens.

Enough is enough.

Michael, it is hot.

It is dusty.

It's depressing.

I've had just about enough.

Maybe something cool to drink, Deborah.

Only if it's a Martini with an olive.

Deborah.

Listen, I've had enough history.

I've had all I can take.

You better find yourself a new Cleopatra.

Ace, help me get my things. - Deborah.

Deborah?

[Music playing]

If you guys have any miracles left over,

I sure could use one about now.

Hi.

Whoa!

Whoa, hold still my heart.

Whatever possessed you to get her for your remake

in the first place?

Well, I needed financing.

The financiers needed insurance, and their idea of insurance

was getting the biggest name in movies today.

Deorah Grant.

Without her, the film is dead.

Cleopatra's barge will not sail.

I've got an idea, a little scheme that just might do us

both some good.

You game?

Come Horace, fill my breast with life eternal.

I offer myself to you.

Take me, Horace.

I live only to serve you.

Yes, Horace.

Where did you get this?

I translated the ceremony from the ancient Egyptian,

syllable by syllable.

It took me weeks, but I thought it would be

fun to read it in his temple.

Greg got the idea.

It was silly, but maybe it was.

Thanks for reading it with me.

This Horace must have some character.

Oh, he was.

He was god of the sun and the planets,

definitely an overachiever.

I like the part best where it says, I offer myself to you.

Take me.

It's a rough translation.

And I put them together.

She's old enough to be his--

high school teacher.

Well, better luck next hunk.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

Listen.

I wanted to, but--

it was no one's fault. One of those things.

I think it's best if we just, you know, forgot it.

Oh, woo!

You know, this place is more like a maze than a temple.

Yeah, but you know what, [inaudible],,

I'll give you maps here or something so you

can find your way around.

A guy could get lost in here.

Not me though.

My mom used to tell me I had a built-in compass, always

used to sleep facing north.

So maybe you just better stick with me, ok?

Stick close, and [inaudible].

Isaac, all right, quit playing around.

Isaac!

Isaac.

Ok, all right.

Just get a hold of myself here.

This is the temple.

It's not Dracula's castle.

[Music playing]

[Slam]

[Groan]

[Sigh]

Oh, thank you, merrill.

This has been the best day I've had since, well,

in a very long time.

It's as though we picked up where

we left off a year or two ago.

You were my first serious crush, you know?

Aha.

I always thought you looked like Troy donahue.

Well, I'm afraid now it's a little bit more like Kojak.

[Laugh]

Who loves you, baby?

[Camera shutter]

Ah, another souvenir from scenic edfu.

Hmm.

I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Well, I better get on board before my crew realizes they

don't need me for anything.

It's every captain's secret fear.

I'll see you for dinner tonight.

[Music playing]

Enjoying your stay?

Oh, yes, better than I ever imagined.

I'm even learning the language, [speaking arabic]..

Where is the nearest shade?

You are starting with the most useful phrases.

Mhm.

It promises to be a lovely sunset on the river tonight.

Perhaps we could, uh, watch it from the deck

with a cool drink, compliments of the management?

Oh, well, thank you, but, oh, I'm not used to all

this walking, oh, the blisters.

Maybe I could have a rain check.

A rain check, in Egypt?

I pray I won't have to wait that long.

[Laugh]

Isaac: Gopher, hey, goph, hey, this

is no time for hide and seek.

Gopher, gopher, where are you, man?

Gopher.

Gopher, what happened, man?

Gopher.

Oh, Isaac, there you are, man.

I guess we're not lost after all.

[Music playing]

Driver, shouldn't we have reached the boat by now?

Very soon, very soon.

It's the boat's whistle.

They're leaving, and I'm not on board.

Driver!

Thought you might enjoy a personally-guided

tour of edfu before we go back.

What I would like, Mr. Richmond,

is to be back on that boat immediately.

Anything you say.

But I have done a lot of these cruises,

and you can take it from me, that whistle

we got at least another hour.

[Whistle]

You missed it.

I'm sorry.

I-- I could have sworn that whistle meant we had at least

another hour.

Hey, I only arranged this personal tour

to try and make amends.

Oh, in a pig's eye.

You wanted me to miss that boat.

Now, what good would that do either one of us?

The last thing in the world I need

is to get further on to your bad side.

That is no longer possible.

[Music playing]

[Theme music]