Original subtitles

[Theme music playing]

♪ Love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard it's love ♪

[Gopher on pa] We would like to welcome the members of lambda rho delta fraternity

and their sister sorority, delta rho chi.

We hope you enjoy your cruise.

Hello.

Hello.

We're the bells, buddy and Betty.

I know: It's just too cute for words, but we've learned to live with it.

We're here for the lambda rho delta convention.

Oh, of course.

And you're the couple who wanted a cabin next to the davises.

Is Mr. Davis a fraternity brother of yours?

We were all best friends in college. We haven't seen them for years.

We all went to Woodstock together.

Our picture was in life magazine. "Nudes for peace."

[Betty laughs]

Buddy?

[Exclaims, laughs]

Oh, you two look terrific! How have you been?

Just great.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Larry.

You haven't changed a bit.

I mean, not at all. [Chuckles] Nothing.

Yeah, well, neither have you.

I mean, you got a suit and tie, but, uh,

you kinda look like, uh-- like my father.

This is-- this is great.

This is terrific, isn't it?

Yeah.

Just great.

Why us?

Why can't this fraternity hold its convention

on something that can withstand the shock?

Oh, captain, I assure you there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

The lambdas are a great group of guys.

I ought to know. I was one at dartmouth.

But a lot has happened since you were in college.

Like what?

Animal house.

Will this ship be satisfactory, honorable exalted president?

Mr. Dickford,

queen Elizabeth, President Reagan and the pope have sailed on this ship.

True, but I know how particular you are, sir.

Hello. I'm captain stubing.

Ah. Grant woodrow,

head of the lambda alumni association.

Yes, and he'll be staying with us Baxter university lambdas, as per my request.

You're not planning on sleeping at the foot of my bed, are you, dickford?

Only if you want me to, sir.

If there's anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, please let me know.

Super, but all we need right now is the barber shop.

We're all getting a tad shaggy.

Gentlemen.

And you were expecting animals.

[Air horn blaring]

[Men grunting rhythmically]

Ooh.

Are you captain stubing?

If I say no, will you leave my ship?

Sorry for the disruption. I'm Eric Matthews,

president of lambda rho delta's scu chapter.

[Chanting] We are scu! We are scu!

We are scu! We are s--

i-I'm very pleased to meet you.

Uh, this is ace Evans, a former lambda.

All right, lambdas!

[Air horn blaring]

[Blares twice]

And our ship's photographer.

He'll be taking pictures for the insurance claim.

[Chuckles]

Captain, these guys are harmless. Trust me.

They're just a little overexcited about the cruise, that's all.

Matthews, let's get to our rooms.

This thing, it's starting to leak.

Leak?

Yeah.

Why would it leak? What do you have in there?

You used the sacred ark of the lambdas for a beer cooler?

Sure.

I want you to take it up to the cabin, clean it out

and guard it with your life until after the ceremony.

All right, Matthews. Don't deviate your septum.

We are scu! We are scu!

We are scu! We are scu!

So, uh, how are the women on the ship?

Are they as easy as drama majors?

Harmless. Trust me.

So one or two of the chapters are a little wild. I say we go with it.

[Air horn blaring]

[Shouting, exclaiming]

[Vicki screams]

[Ship's horn blows]

[Panicked shouting]

[Air horn blares]

Okay, best party?

Oh, that's easy: New year's Eve, 1970.

[Laughs] Worst hangover?

[All] New year's day, 1971.

[Betty] Oh, I have one, I have one.

Best restaurant for midnight munchies?

-Chang's, home of chow mein on a bun. -You got it.

How did we eat that garbage, huh?

What, this from the guy that used to bribe Chang for the recipe?

Best English professor?

Oh, that's easy: Doddering Dr. Dixon.

He never assigned papers. He never gave exams.

All he did was read aloud from the collected works of Charles dickens.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

[Chuckles] You know, we didn't realize it,

but those really were the best of times.

Hey, give me a break. That was college, not the renaissance.

All right, all right, but you can't deny we had some terrific times.

Hey, I'm not. But it was only four years out of our lives.

I've come a long way since the student strike for coed dorms.

Can't we talk about what we're doing now?

Hey, the student strike. I forgot all about that. You remember?

I haven't. I was leading the sit-in

in front of the library when they turned the water hoses on us.

I remember now. The water pressure ripped off your blouse.

Yeah, and you didn't even move. I mean, talk about dedication.

Talk about humiliation. Nobody noticed.

Banzai!

You imbecile!

You-- you splashed water on my swimsuit!

Yeah.

Now I'll have to change!

Okay, hockstein, out of the pool.

Hey, but--

now!

Okay.

Be right with you.

Hi. Mind if I sit down?

Uh, no. Be my guest.

So you want to get naked?

Excuse us. He's on a mutant exchange program.

And he looks so humanoid.

It's done with silly putty.

Do you understand English?

A little.

Touch one of the women on this ship, and I'll kill you.

Okay.

So, you want to get naked?

Didn't you hear what I just said?

I can't help it. Major yabos.

Look, zit, if they want to get naked, they'll let you know.

[Woman screams]

[Screams]

All right. That's it.

[Men clamoring]

That's it. Everybody out of the pool.

Hey. Hey. Out of the pool.

Everybody over here. Guys, come here.

I thought I made it clear to you idiots

that we can't cause any trouble on board.

May I remind you that our chapter is on probation?

Yeah.

We know that.

Then act like it.

[Belches] Sorry.

Get out of here.

Hockstein.

Yeah.

Who's guarding the ark of the lambdas?

Feldman. We tied him to it.

Good.

You there.

I'm Nolan dickford.

President of the Baxter university chapter.

Oh, I'm Eric Matthews--

I know.

Matthews, your chapter is a disgrace

to the entire lambda rho delta tradition,

not to mention the world.

Well, we do what we can.

You see, most of us who have devoted our lives to lambda rho delta

did so because of the benefits that come from being

a member of a prestigious fraternity.

Thanks to you and your riffraff,

we're going to have a difficult time

getting a job with any of the fortune 500.

Oh, sorry. I seem to have dozed off while you were speaking.

Do us all a favor

and affiliate with an organization more suited to your style.

Perhaps hells angels.

Always good to meet a brother.

[Stubing on pa] May I have your attention, please?

For those of you who have been making out in the lifeboats,

I'd like to remind you that these are safety devices

and are absolutely off limits.

[Air horn blaring]

And I want all those air horns in my office immediately.

Now, how much of this stuff should we dump in?

Well, let's see.

They recommend a quarter cup for one load.

Eight hundred boxes.

Nolan, what makes you so sure

the scu guys are gonna get blamed for this?

Elementary, Mr. Carnegie.

[Soft jazz music playing]

Okay, that's 71. All you need is one more.

One more, you're gonna make us all famous.

One more for the record books. Come on.

This is getting out of control. I've got four people in the infirmary already.

Hangovers?

Well, three sunburns

and what appears to be a case of third-degree hickey.

Seventy-two. Do it to it.

Okay, hey, guys, guys. Guys, listen. Wait a second. That's it.

Get him out of here before he explodes.

Come on.

He's a champion.

Come on, come on.

Oh, and look: Here's our cabin.

Larry built it.

We have a wonderful view of taos.

Honey, show them a picture of our condo.

When the smog is light, you can see all of la.

Hmm.

Oh, you live in a high-rise, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, we have excellent security.

Oh, so do we. See, nobody lives around us.

[Chuckles]

Must get kinda lonely.

Well, we like it better than the crowded city.

The city is where it's happening.

Uh-- you know, you look very nice tonight, Larry.

Yeah, this is probably the most dressed up I've been

since the premiere of easy rider.

[Betty chuckles]

I love this necklace you sent me, Larry.

You do beautiful work.

Oh, thank you.

Each one of those stones, by the way, are blessed by an old Indian priest.

Well, I think it's time for dinner. Shall we go inside?

Oh, buddy, Betty tells me

you had something specially prepared for all of us.

Right. I had them do the lamb with a special dar maghreb curry

like I do at home in the microwave.

Oh, the microwave.

Doesn't that put out radiation and poison the body?

No, it puts out heat and cooks the food.

[Bubbling]

So, will you come?

Well, I don't know.

Hmm.

How many people are gonna be at this party?

Oh, it's hard to tell. These things have a way of mushrooming.

Before the mushroom, how many?

Uh, counting Amy?

Mmm.

Um... ooh. Three.

And let me take a wild guess:

It's gonna take place in your cabin.

Right. But, um, we're gonna have to keep a very low profile about this.

Yeah, that's no easy thing when you've got a profile like hockstein's.

We have to do a show in an hour,

and afterwards we're really pretty tired.

Yeah, and we hate parties.

So what do you think?

I don't know. We are gonna have to come up

with some great way to impress these girls.

Girls like guys with a sense of humor.

Mm-hmm.

I got some fake vomit in my room.

Hmm. Nope.

We are gonna have to come up with something even better than that.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Oh, good.

Maybe I can get some work done in this madhouse.

Help! Maintenance! Housekeeping!

Somebody! Send a plumber!

[Soft jazz playing]

Would you like to dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

My name is--

I know. Eric Matthews.

I've had my eye on you since this cruise started.

I'm Connie disch. Delta rho chi?

A sorority sister.

In the flesh.

[Both chuckle]

[Song ends]

[Funky jazz music playing]

I, um... I think I'd like to sit this one out.

Okay.

No. Um, I mean out, out.

It's a little stuffy in here.

Do you mind if we take a walk in a more secluded place?

[Chuckles] Are you kidding? Compliance is my middle name.

Mine's Wendy.

Oh! You know, this is fun.

I think we're in pretty good shape for a bunch of old-timers.

Betty and I go down to the health club every other day.

I owe these thighs to my aerobics instructor.

Larry and I work out too.

It's a hundred-yard hike to our well for our spring water.

Isn't it crazy how we've started an entire fitness industry

to do exactly what primitive man did naturally?

It's easier to go down to the health club than it is to drag Betty around by the hair.

I think we've progressed beyond that point.

Are you saying that I'm a neanderthal

because I don't belong to one of your flesh academies?

Actually the fitness center is a very serious health club.

We have a 24-hour nutrition counselor.

Yeah, the people who go there are really into health.

But it is a bit narcissistic, isn't it?

I mean, mirrors on the walls and leotard boutiques--

now, hold it just a minute. Are you calling me narcissistic?

Oh, no, buddy.

I think what Larry means is just that

people from southern California tend to

be more conscious of their physical appearance.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well, I guess when you live on a mountaintop,

it doesn't really matter what you look like.

Hey, wait a minute, buddy.

I'm not into confrontation. I'm out of here.

Wow. He could use an hour in the gym to work off some of that hostility.

Oh, yeah? Maybe you'd like to lend him your workout tape.

You know, I thought I'd seen everything,

but that guy was the last straw.

I'm gonna put a sign in all the bars that say "no pants, no service."

Funny, I didn't notice it right away. Probably because of his tan.

[Woman] Ladies and gentlemen, the international lounge is proud to present the mermaids.

[Upbeat pop music playing]

Don't you want to see the lounge show?

No.

I didn't know I was this easy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm coming on a little too strong, aren't I?

Well, a little.

Do you want me to stop?

What-- what was the question?

[Pop music continues]

You know, in my day, the lambdas had more respect for women's clothing.

This is not to say that the occasional pledge didn't dabble in brassiere trafficking,

but these men-- these men were good students.

Petit déjeuner, honorable exalted president.

I took the Liberty of sectioning your grapefruit myself.

I know how fussy you are about the membranes.

[Stifled laughter]

Let it rest, dickford.

What are you laughing at, Matthews?

You're gonna pay for that soap suds prank.

We had nothing to do with it.

We're innocent, sir. We were drinking and chasing women. Honest.

I've about had it with you guys.

Painting "scu" on the lifeboats,

setting off the ship's fire alarm,

putting exploding cigars in the gift shop.

-That's a good one. -Look, one more shenanigan,

one more disruption, and you guys are out of the fraternity.

Sir, we were not responsible for any of that.

Oh, no? [Scoffs]

These were found in the ship's pool. Huh? Huh?

How do you explain that?

My hat!

I've never seen this before in my life.

You know, if I had my way, you guys would never have had custody

of the sacred ark of the lambdas to begin with.

But tradition has it that each chapter must have it for a year.

I'm just glad that this year's over with. Now, get out of here!

Sir...

You gonna eat that?

Get out of here!

Well, you heard him.

Thanks to you guys, we're practically history in this fraternity.

We're sorry, Eric. We can't help it.

It's just that when you're not around, we kinda lose control.

Yeah. We become ourselves.

And what's with the soap suds thing? That's juvenile even for you guys.

Uh-uh.

No, we had nothing to do with that. I swear.

-You swear? -I swear.

You know, I think someone's trying to frame us.

Yeah.

And I think it's fairly obvious who that someone is.

[Stubing] They put a stink bomb in the air-conditioning duct?

Adam, I'm getting tired of all this foolishness.

Well, I finally got all the soap suds cleaned up, sir.

So, no harm, no foul.

Right.

Sir, I think the pool should be off limits to those guys.

And the lounge.

And the dining room.

I'd better check the infirmary.

Is there any way we can close off the passageways?

Captain, you're gonna restrict the lambdas

to their cabins for the rest of the cruise?

Yeah. Now the only remaining question

is whether their doors should be locked or unlocked.

They're just having fun. That's all.

Come on. You guys went to college.

Don't you remember what it was like to have fun?

No.

Come on, captain.

You once told me you were a member of a fraternity.

Didn't you guys ever do anything just for the fun of it? Hmm?

Well-- [clears throat] There was one time, actually...

[Laughs] I knew it. All right, what did you do?

No, no, no.

Come on. Open up. What was the big stunt?

Well, we, uh, loosened the top of the salt shakers in the cafeteria.

That's pathetic.

Mmm.

These kids are dangerous. Lock their doors.

I'm with you, sir.

Now, look, captain, the cruise is almost over.

I'm sure that the lambdas have pulled all the stunts they're gonna pull.

Captain, I know in the bottom of my heart

that when you think this over, you're gonna give the lambdas another chance.

I'll see to it these are recycled, sir.

[Cans clattering]

[Gopher on pa] Good morning, and welcome to acapulco.

Land tours will be leaving in ten minutes from the coral deck gangway.

We hope you'll enjoy your day.

By the way, for you college men,

please note that maritime law defines

unauthorized use of the ship's launch as an act of piracy.

[Men] Power to the pyramid. Power to the pyramid.

Power to the pyramid. Power to the pyramid.

Power to the pyramid. Power to the--

excuse me, but, uh, what are you guys doing?

Initiating horvath.

How does he feel about that?

He likes it. See?

Horvath-- oh, oh, uh, uh!

Try that again, and you don't get to see the dance of the virgins.

[Chuckles] See you later.

Power to the pyramid. Power to the pyramid.

Power to the pyramid. Power to the pyramid.

You see, I just don't understand why they have to do all these crazy stunts.

In my neighborhood, the loser used to wear the bandages.

It's tradition.

When I went to med school, they made us dress up like women

and try to pick up men at the pfister hotel.

[Chuckles]

Educated men did that?

Isaac, you've gotta learn to be more tolerant.

They didn't do any real harm.

Hmm. Yeah, I guess you're right.

You know, I wonder where they got all those gauze bandages.

I'll kill the little weasels!

[Sighs]

We're all behaving a little childishly, don't you think?

Kinda.

I mean, just because those two are going at each other,

there's no reason for us to get involved in it, is there?

Yeah.

We have a lot of years invested in this friendship, don't we?

We have a lot of memories in common.

I used to tell you everything.

I remember you were the first person I called

on the night I realized I was in love with Larry.

I'll never forget that. It was so romantic.

You got arrested at the campus riot for peace,

fell in love in the paddy wagon.

When I came down to bail you out,

there you were, kissing through the wire mesh.

Yeah. To this day,

the smell of tear gas brings tears to my eyes.

I'm sorry I snapped at you last night.

Look, let's make a pact, okay?

No matter how obnoxious those two get, we're not gonna get involved.

Deal?

Deal.

Say, remember that guy you dated who used to sing in bed?

Whatever happened to him?

I married him.

That was Larry?

Oh, yeah.

I always know when things have gone well.

He does the entire second side of Abbey road.

I can't believe it.

I thought for sure that old bag of republican wind

was finally going to kick them out of the fraternity.

What do we do now, Nolan? Give up?

I beg your pardon?

I said, what do we do now? Give up?

Where did you go to prep school? Okinawa?

-Sorry. -What we do do now

is move on to plan "kick them while they're down."

This is a list of some of the things you'll be needing.

You should have no trouble finding any of these items on shore.

Should, however, an unforeseeable snag arise,

i can be reached at the nueva esparta tennis clinic.

Any questions? Super.

[Knocking]

Miss disch?

I just came to tell you I quit.

Au contraire, miss disch. You can't quit.

Your assignment's just begun.

Look, this Eric's a nice guy.

Why don't we just leave him alone?

Well, if he's so nice,

then you won't mind keeping the divine Mr. M occupied for the night.

We have a little surprise planned for the ceremony,

and we want him out of the way.

Forget it. Unlike the rest of the people in this room,

i have been able to retain at least a few of my values.

Really?

Then perhaps we should inform professor erlich

where you purchased your term paper on crime and punishment.

Now, we're going into acapulco with Larry and Rebecca today,

and we're going to have fun, do you understand?

[Knocking]

Yeah, yeah.

Here they are.

Hi. We're just about set.

Hi. I brought my guide book. What should we do first?

-Whatever you want. -Doesn't make any difference to me.

Why don't we start at the open market?

We can pick up a few souvenirs.

It's kinda hot over there, and it's awfully crowded.

Well, we could go to the mission. There's a tour that starts at 2:00.

Honey, we already went to the one in Santa Barbara.

All right. Why don't you two guys decide.

Hey, whatever's fine. It's fine with me.

Yeah, anything's okay with me.

I've got a great idea. Why don't we just wing it?

We'll go wherever our feet take us.

Great plan.

No, it's a good idea.

We won't be slaves to a schedule.

Come on. Let's go catch the launch.

[Sighs] I can feel the fun already.

[Knocking]

[Soft jazz music plays]

Wow.

When you invite a guy to your room, you really set a mood.

Would you like something to drink?

Wine, beer, iced tea,

champagne, mocha mix?

Iced tea sounds good.

It's, uh, gotta get cold.

You and I, on the other hand...

Uh, Connie, listen, I'm in a little bit of a rush tonight.

That kind of a rush?

Oh, god in heaven, yes.

I really need to, uh, show up at the bank-- at the ceremony tonight.

We're passing the ark of the lambdas, and it's...

What about our ceremony?

Oh, yeah.

I really need to check up on the guys.

No! I can't let you.

Don't worry. I'll come back.

Oh, I'm not worried. It's just that, uh--

you don't understand. I mean, uh,

the minute you leave, I could lose my mood.

Completely. I mean, I could never, ever get it back again.

I'm sorry, Eric. There's just too much at stake here.

I can't let you leave.

I really have to.

Eric...

Oh, I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this,

but you leave me no choice.

There's an even more important reason why I can't let you leave.

What's that?

My entire future's at stake.

Aren't you putting a lot of pressure on yourself?

Oh. It's not me.

It's-- it's Nolan.

Nolan?

He forced me to do this.

Oh, I get it.

Please, let me explain.

No, don't bother.

Just who do you think you're dealing with here, a freshman?

[Scoffs] If I ever pass philosophy, I'll be a senior.

I know when I've been set up.

Look, I've told you I'd buy you a new pair of shoes. What else can I do, huh?

You could stop dressing like Willie Nelson's brother.

You're really being a crybaby about this.

It's not Larry's fault we were robbed.

Not his fault?

All I wanted to do was go into acapulco and have a little fun.

Do some parasailing, lie on the beach, have a piña colada.

We did all have piña coladas.

At the police station.

Hey, those things happen.

No, they don't.

Not unless you've got a hippie friend with some idiot idea

about hiking the mountain trails of acapulco.

Oh, and you'd rather spend your vacation in the lap of crass commercialism?

Hey, I like crass commercialism. It's a lot more comfortable.

And the piña coladas are cold, not served out of a canteen.

Oh, great. They got my key.

[Chuckles] They stole my shoes, my key,

my camera and my gold card.

I loved that gold card.

I guess I'm lucky I don't own a gold card.

Oh, yeah, you're a real lucky guy. All they got off you was $20 cash.

Do you know why they didn't steal your shoes too?

Because they were already wearing better shoes than you've got on.

Buddy, that's enough!

I see you judge a man by his shoes.

Shut up, Larry.

All Betty and I have done today is listen to you two guys fight.

We are sick of it.

We came on this trip together because we were old friends

who hadn't seen each other for a long time,

and you two have spoiled everything.

Everybody changes. Can't you see that?

If you can't accept it, at least shut up long enough

so Betty and I can enjoy the rest of our trip.

And I have the key.

Hey, you don't have the gold card too, do ya?

[Stubing] Ladies and gentlemen, we hope you enjoyed your stay

in sunny acapulco.

We would like to remind you to stay clear of the lido deck,

as the lambdas will be having their banquet there.

[Upbeat pop music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

I feel ridiculous in this thing.

I don't see why. You wore caftans all through college.

That was different.

These things make you feel like we're here to sing the Messiah.

Tradition lends continuity to our lives.

Say, remember when we were helping

with voter registration in Mississippi?

We were driving down that back road

and got stopped by a crowd building a bonfire in a field.

Remember, Larry?

We thought it was the ku klux klan.

Of course, it turned out to be a football pep rally for the local high school.

Oh, and remember the summer we hitchhiked to Woodstock, buddy?

Yeah.

The music. The sense of brotherhood.

The long lines for the toilets.

I'm not gonna present the ark of the lambdas looking like an idiot.

Why not? You do everything else looking like an idiot.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I just found out dickford set Connie up to keep me away from the ceremony tonight.

Kept me locked in her room.

That's disgusting.

Is she still there, by any chance?

Zit, your mind, it's like an open sewer.

Come on, guys. Why aren't you dressed?

Aha. Small problem.

We have been short-robed.

And you know the tradition of the fraternity:

-You can't wear anything underneath them. -Why not?

Because nothing must come between you and your robe but loyalty and honor.

And this thing,

it's just not long enough to cover my honor.

[Tapping on glass]

Welcome, men of fealty and courage, and friends.

We'll open our annual lambda rho delta banquet

with the traditional greeting.

[Speaking mock Latin]

Rejoice in the brotherhood of man.

And now, before we feast together,

we'll have the passing of the sacred lambda ark,

which contains the sacred relics.

Now, the new guardian will be the Baxter university lambdas.

Last year's guardians,

[clears throat] The scu lambdas,

will make the presentation.

[Fanfare playing]

Let's get 'em.

No. That's exactly what they want us to do: Get kicked out on the spot.

Let's go ahead with the ceremony. We'll deal with them later.

Sir, it's obvious these mud dwellers

have nothing but contempt for tradition.

Dickford, can't you ever speak like a normal person?

It's just not my style, sir.

Mr. Matthews, I trust you have an explanation for your attire.

Um, we grew over the summer?

[Grunts] Proceed.

The scu chapter of lambda rho delta

is proud to turn over the sacred ark of relics to our brothers at Baxter.

We have guarded the cherished relics and now present them for your review.

[Clucking]

I don't remember this part.

Yeah, I wonder what the chickens symbolize.

What I don't understand is, how did they get enough ping-pong balls

to fill up the entire casino?

Well, I guess it'd be my fault, sir.

They told me they were gonna have some sort of major tournament.

[Muttering]

Vicki!

What?

What's the matter?

Somebody raided my room.

I wonder who.

[Scoffs]

I-- I'll kill 'em! I will kill them!

I'm putting a lock on my dresser!

Mr. Matthews,

you allowed chickens to roost on our relics.

From this moment, your chapter is officially out of this fraternity!

Oh, come on!

What?

Sir, we didn't know the chickens were in there. We were as surprised as you were.

Talk, talk, talk, talk--

you're out, Matthews!

That's my final verdict.

Yes, sir. Let's go, guys.

[Dickford] Super! Champagne for everyone!

You know, dickford, something just occurred to me.

If we're out of this fraternity,

we have no reason to be on good behavior, do we?

How about a nice dessert?

You don't have the temerity.

[Chuckles]

-Mr. Matthews, this is conduct-- -duck!

[All] Food fight!

G-Gentlemen?

G-Gentlemen? No!

Gentlemen-- gentlemen--

gentlemen, I think this is the time

to exercise a little self-control!

Kind of reminds me of Chicago '68.

Yeah, except what we were dodging was a lot more dangerous than pies.

Yeah, but if we threw pies, it was for a better america.

Come on, let's show these kids how it's done.

Come on, guys.

Food fight!

You're in trouble! I'm getting mean now.

People, please! Stop this madness!

[Sighs]

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I remind you that we are not children?

I appreciate your cooperation.

[Stubing on pa] I'm giving the lambdas who are holding my daughter

just five minutes to return her to my cabin, no questions asked.

I admire the way you frisbee'ed

that lemon meringue pie across the room.

Yeah, well, it's all in the wrist.

We kind of got off on the wrong foot

and stayed there for two days, didn't we?

Yeah, it was my fault too.

It's not like we didn't fight in college.

Oh, we fought.

Yeah, but we stayed friends.

Listen, next year, Betty and I are going to be going out to yosemite.

Why don't you guys join us? We've got all kinds of room in the a-frame.

You're gonna go to the wilderness, and you're gonna stay in a house?

Tell you what. You and Rebecca can pitch a tent out in the backyard, all right?

We'll have a great time.

Well...

Tell you what.

If it'll make you feel any better,

we won't let you use the bathrooms.

It's a deal.

I don't believe this. Look at this mess!

All right. Okay. I don't care how long it takes.

I want you to keep everybody out here, at work,

until this deck is sugar-free.

You got that? Good night!

You know, we put limburger cheese in the Dean's light socket back in '48.

That was a funeral compared to this.

Forgive me, sir, but you've got a blueberry in your teeth right there.

Will you stop that?

[Connie] Mr. Woodrow?

Mr. Woodrow, there's something I have to tell you.

You talk and I'll talk, little miss term paper.

Go ahead, 'cause I don't care anymore.

Talk about what?

Eric, Nolan blackmailed me

to help him with his crummy little scheme.

Mr. Woodrow, the scu lambdas

are not responsible for the havoc on this ship.

You mean, they didn't disrupt the mermaids' performance?

No, they did that.

Uh, they didn't start the pie fight?

Oh, my god.

Really, I didn't know. I mean--

all I know is that they didn't fill the pool with soap suds

or paint the lifeboats or put chickens in the sacred ark,

because this man was responsible for all of that.

He wanted to blame the scu lambdas

for everything so you'd expel them.

I swear, sir, on my mother's life, I did none of those things.

Sure, you did.

Okay, but I meant well.

I wanted a better fraternity for the sake of our founding fathers.

They're dead. Go to your room, dickford.

Please, sir--

go to your room, dickford!

That was a wonderful thing you did, young lady.

You too, Matthews.

But I didn't say anything, sir.

That's what I mean.

I seem to have this, um, habit

of doing very dramatic things when I'm with you.

I hope so.

Mm-hmm.

[All chanting] Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

[Chanting continues]

Well, I guess we'll all be seeing each other in taos in June.

Yes, and you're gonna come visit us in Los Angeles, right?

Word of honor.

Okay.

Your son, Robert, will have fun playing with our coyote.

Uh, I'm not sure I want him playing with a wild animal.

[Chuckles]

Coyote's our son.

Oh, he's very tame.

Matthews, you know how a fraternity is bound by those secret things?

Yes, sir.

I think that food fight last night

should remain one of those secret things.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Super!

Sorry.

Easy with that, dickford. You're already skating on thin ice.

If another fraternity ever boards this ship again, I'm taking a cruise.

Oh, come on, dad. They weren't that bad.

"They weren't that bad"? What are you talking about?

They kidnapped you. They held you over four hours.

Yeah.

Vicki, what exactly happened?

I can't talk right now, dad. I've got a date. Bye.

A date? Vicki?

With whom?

Vicki!