Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Oh, uh, excuse me. -Yes, sir?

I'm a little bit lost here.

I wondering if you could help me.

All right, what do we got here?

Fiesta cabin 529. All right, sir.

You just go right up these stairs.

-Okay? -Thank you, I appreciate that.

Gopher, my dancing career is ruined.

Let me guess, somebody stole your sequin?

No, my shower's broken.

I have a 9:00 show.

If I can't take a shower at 3:00,

that means I won't be able to do my hair and get a manicure

and have an apricot facial --

-hi, I'm Amy. -Hi.

And I won't have time to stretch,

which means I won't be able to dance on the one night

a big Hollywood producer

is probably gonna be in the audience.

And I'll be out of show business.

Amy, would you like me to have your shower fixed?

Oh, gopher, you're so wonderful.

-Nice meeting you. -Nice meeting you.

-Nice girl. -Hmm.

Too bad she's so withdrawn.

Hmm.

Hey, hey, here she comes!

Here she comes! She's coming up the gangway!

Okay, everybody, remember our plan --

we act like she's just another passenger.

Hi!

Together: Welcome aboard.

Guys, it's me, Julie McCoy.

I used to work here.

Oh, phooey. I can't stand this any longer.

-Julie! -Captain, hi!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, I just can't believe you're all here.

Isaac and Vicki and doc, captain.

You can call me merrill.

No I don't think I can, sir.

Gopher.

Oh, goph, hi.

Oh.

Where's the lucky groom?

Oh, Marty's in Europe.

He's scouting locations for a film

and I just thought this would be

the perfect opportunity to visit with my second family.

Yeah.

Oh, speaking of families, where's my sister?

Julie!

Judy!

You're here!

Oh, Judy, there you are!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I was held up.

I just found out that the children's

recreation director has the chicken pox.

Oh, don't worry! We'll find a replacement.

I'll just check the passenger list

for an older woman who's looking --

sorry. Old habits die hard.

You're a guest. You're here to enjoy yourself.

We put in aloha 308.

They wanted to short sheet your bed, but I wouldn't let them.

Come on, I'll show you the way.

Oh, no, that's okay. I know you're busy.

I remember the way.

I'll see you guys later.

I knew that.

[ Fog horn blows ]

♪♪

Gopher, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ace, I am very busy and real short-handed.

Well, that's kind of why I wanted to talk to you.

I heard assistant purser nagurski missed his ship again.

That's right, and he's out of here.

I will bail my staff out of jail just so many times.

Uh, goph...

Hmm?

[ Sighs ]

Look, I've given this a lot of thought.

The photography's okay, but it's kind of dead end.

I mean, you can only take so many 5x7s

of tourists holding pinatas and you start going crazy.

Ace, is this going to be a long story?

Because I'm really very busy.

Look, nagurski's out.

How about giving me a chance at his job?

You want to be the assistant purser?

You're kidding, right? -No, I'm dead serious.

Look, in college I took a couple of course in hotel management.

Ace, let me ask you something.

You're gonna pester me about this

for the rest of the cruise, right?

Persistence is a virtue.

It's also a pain in the neck.

So, tell you what -- I'll give you a little test.

If you pass, we'll see what we can do.

If you fail, back to the darkroom

and out of my face for the rest of the cruise, okay?

Deal.

Goph, what's the test?

True, false, multiple choice, essay?

I'm very good at essay.

Well, the line has made some time-motion studies

and has determined that personnel levels

far exceed service demands.

You mean, they want to fire some people.

Just two, and the test is,

I want you to fire them.

Oh.

Shouldn't you do that? You're the purser.

Ace, nobody likes to fire people.

Except nagurski. He loved it.

♪♪

Hello there.

Who's there?

Ryan curvy.

Who's that?

Uh, we, uh, met earlier on the stairs.

Hello?

-It's you. -Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm Amy horton.

I'm really embarrassed about that.

I'm afraid you caught me at a bad time.

It's okay.

I've always heard that for every bright light on Broadway,

there's at least one broken shower.

[ Timer buzzes ]

Oh, that's 15 minutes.

I better go.

Well, uh, I --

I'm not usually this forward, but, uh,

i don't often meet girls with such rigid time schedules.

Would you like to have dinner with me?

I'd love to.

Really? I mean, that's great!

Uh, 7:30?

Oh, I'm afraid that's a little late.

How about...

4:47?

4:00?

You eat dinner at 4:47?

Well for a 9:00 show,

I need an hour and a half to digest

and then I have to stretch and get dressed and warm up

and breath into a paper bag.

Well, uh, far be it from me to stand in the way of stardom.

Uh, 4:47 it is.

4:47.

Mm-hmm.

Nice.

Strange, but, uh, nice.

Oh, look.

The lido deck, just like I remembered it --

all the people sunning and funning,

the pool, the mermaid statue.

It's all the same.

Well, no, some things have changed.

We put day-glow tape on the shuffle board lines

so we could play night games.

Yeah, but it feels like home.

Yeah, it's too bad Marty couldn't be with you.

Yeah, well, sometimes its hard for him to get away.

Oh, look.

Isaac's bar, just where it's always been --

so friendly, so blue.

Here you go, a sour-puss --

grapefruit juice, a twist, and no ice.

You remembered.

Hey, how could I forget?

I made you one of these every day for seven years.

Still, it's sweet of you, Isaac.

Dear, sweet Isaac.

Julie, why don't you tell me

about your husband's new picture?

Oh, it's just some spy-adventure-thriller-thing

he's doing.

Say, are these new?

No.

Oh, they're really comfortable.

Really, really comfortable.

Real cozy.

Julie, can I ask you something?

Is anything the matter?

Well, what do you mean?

Every time I mention your husband,

you change the subject.

Really? Are those new pool tiles?

Julie, cut it out.

I know you.

Every time you used to get depressed,

you would over compensate by turning into Mary poppins

so the passengers wouldn't know.

Well, you can't spoon-full of sugar old gopher, my friend.

So, come on.

Hmm?

I left my husband.

Oh, look -- guacamole!

Marshall: Just a minute.

Mr. Marshall, I'm sorry to inform you

that the line is terminating your employment.

That's good -- simple, to the point,

heartless.

Oh, hello, young fellow.

Mr. Marshall.

I know what you're here for.

Come on in.

[ Sighs ]

I know it's against the rules to have a hot plate

in your room.

But when you get to be my age, it's a big deal

to go all the way down to the crew dining room.

So, I just heat up some soup here in the cabin

and I got some saltines.

Doesn't take much to make an old man happy.

Mr. Marshall, I didn't come for the hot plate.

-You didn't? -No.

I'm ace Evans, the ship's photographer and, uh --

oh, well, you can stop right there.

I know a lot of the crew have their pictures taken to send

home to their girlfriends and their loved ones.

But me, I don't have anybody --

no family, no friends,

just the people I know here on the ship.

So, I really don't need any pictures.

I got a mirror.

Yes, sir, uh, but, as I was saying,

I -- I didn't come as the ship's photographer.

You see, purser Smith is giving me a chance

at being the assistant purser.

Well, congratulations.

Good for you.

Reach for the stars, I always say.

Me, I never could have got that far.

No college education.

Hell, I bummed around odd jobs,

and then the best thing that every happened to me,

after my wife died, was landing this job here.

Hadn't been for that, well, I don't know.

But, there I go, talking about myself again.

Now, what can I do for you?

Mr. Marshall...

I just wanted to talk to you.

Well, good for you.

The key to leadership -- get to know your employees.

It's gonna be a pleasure serving under you, purser Evans.

I guess the soup is hot.

Want some? It's lentil.

Sure.

It's just because of Marty's work he's never around.

He's always off on locations somewhere.

Well, don't you travel with him?

Oh, sure.

I followed him all the way

from the everglades to the himalayas.

Oh, yeah, I got that postcard --

"greetings from the top of the world."

Yeah, well, I had plenty of time to write it.

Marty was usually so busy, I spent most of my time alone.

Finally, I just went home to our apartment in New York.

Yeah, I got that post card, too --

"greetings from the top of the world trade center."

He kept promising we'd spend more time together

but then some new project would come along

that he just couldn't pass up.

I'm really happy for his success,

but...

Goph, I'm lonely.

I know.

And I'm sorry.

Funny -- you're the first person

I've been able to talk to about all this.

Well, I've cried on your shoulder a few times.

Remember that time that I found my girlfriend, didi --

-didi. -In the senator's cabin?

You were a real tower of strength for me then.

Yeah.

I don't feel very strong right now.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Both laughing ]

I thought this would be more fun than eating with the girls.

Is that all you're gonna eat?

Yeah, I have a dancer's figure to maintain.

Hmm, you were telling me about your career plans.

Oh, right.

Well, I'm gonna dance on the ship

until I get my big break.

And then I'm gonna move to Broadway, or maybe Hollywood.

And hopefully become the next Juliet prowse.

And then after a few decades, I thought I'd retire.

Mm, and do support hose commercials.

You want some of this?

Oh, no thanks.

I'm full.

I can't believe it, all I've done is talk about me.

Now, it's your turn.

Well, uh, my life isn't nearly as glamorous as yours,

but, uh, I work in Las Vegas as a police officer.

Something wrong.

No, what could be wrong?

I've never even been to Vegas.

Well, that's great. I'd love to show it to you sometime.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Gee, look at the time.

Well, I guess I better go.

Uh, well, wait -- wait, uh, can I see you later?

I mean, uh, after the show, maybe?

I don't think so.

I like to go back to the -- my cabin after the show

and reflect on my performance.

Bye.

♪♪

Isaac: It's not really an easy thing to explain.

Have you ever, guys, been on the great wall of China?

You have?

There's a naked woman giving away money in the casino.

Thanks a lot.

-We need to talk. -Oh?

I know that you saw Julie and me on the starlight deck,

and I just wanted to clear up any possible misunderstanding.

You don't owe me any explanation.

For your information,

Julie and Marty are having some martial difficulties,

and she just needed the shoulder of a friend to cry on.

Okay.

Wait a minute, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that your old pal, gopher,

the lone wolf of the pacific Princess,

is stalking this admittedly beautiful woman,

trying to take advantage of her because she's vulnerable.

I didn't say that.

Well, you're wrong, and I am shocked and outraged

that my best friend would think the worst of me.

Can I talk now?

Haven't stopped you so far.

If Julie's marriage is in trouble,

I think that's a wonderful thing

that she can turn to a friend like you for support.

That's not what you think.

I can't even talk to you anymore.

Ms. Hershel, you're fired.

Get it out, get it over with.

It's not your problem.

[ Sighs ]

Ms. Hershel, you're...

Not dressed.

-Oh, you're ace Evans, right? -Right.

Well, we've never met.

Um, but I've seen you around.

Uh, would you like to come in?

Oh, well, maybe -- maybe just for a minute.

-Ms. Hershel -- -Linda.

Linda, all right.

Uh, Linda, as a temporary acting assistant purser,

I've been given the unfortunate task of --

of carrying out some cutbacks in personnel.

And since your seniority

is the least in the beauty parlor --

um, zip.

Uh, I --

i am afraid that we're going to have to let you go.

I'm very sorry.

Uh, do you think I'm too busty?

I beg your pardon?

Well, a lot of guys don't like that.

Uh, no, no.

I -- I think that you're -- you're perfect.

Uh, did -- did you hear what I -- what I said?

Well, sure, I heard what you said.

You said I was fired,

but there's more to life than just a job.

And, you know,

since I'm gonna be leaving at the end of this cruise,

that doesn't give us a lot of time to get to know each other.

♪♪

We'll talk more about this later when --

when you've had a chance to get over your shock

and I've had a chance to get over mine.

Gopher: Always -- was always the same.

I know, I know, always the same.

I still say Julie's the all-time matchmaker.

Remember when she got that hare krishna together

with that Las Vegas showgirl?

-Oh, my gosh. -Oh, yeah.

They sent a picture of the wedding.

It was all saffron and sequins.

Yeah.

You know, Julie, you were my favorite babysitter

because you let me stay up all night.

Hey, you promised you wouldn't tell.

-I'm sorry. -Excuse me.

Sis, when is Marty getting back from Europe?

Uh, actually, I don't know.

I bet you miss him.

How about a toast?

Okay, let me see here, where should I start?

Gosh, so much I should say, so much I could say,

but who here among us can really put in words the feelings

that we all feel, hmm?

-I can. -Sir, yes, of course.

Ladies and gentlemen, captain stubing.

To Julie,

we wish you as much happiness in your new life

as you brought to us when you were a part of ours.

Thank you.

Here, here.

I can do this.

Mr. Marshall?

-Oh, hi, ace. -Hi.

Here, hold this for me, will you, please?

Yeah.

And to think I used to throw away burned out lightbulbs.

Yeah, Mr. Marshall --

and then one day, I decided there must be something that --

that burned-out lightbulbs would be good for.

So I started saving them.

Saved over 5,000 of them.

Mr. Marshall, you, uh --

you saved over 5,000 burned-out lightbulbs?

Yeah, people thought I was crazy,

and then I found this orphanage down in cabo San Lucas.

Kids didn't have much, so I gave them these bulbs.

And they thought I was Santa claus.

Know what they do with them, ace?

No.

They tie them up in bunches, and then they paint them purple

so they'll look more like grapes.

Then you know what they do with them, ace?

They sell them, and they earn enough each year

so that at Christmas time, they can buy themselves a little toy,

which they all share.

That's why I never throw away a burned-out lightbulb.

Well, if -- if I see any, I'll save them for you.

You're a good man, ace.

If I had son, I'd want him just like you.

-Aw. -Now good night.

I can't fire Santa claus.

Oh, I almost forgot.

There was this guy looking for you after the show tonight.

Who?

Ryan something.

What did you tell him about me?

Not much, just that we'd been friends since Vegas.

How could you tell him about Vegas?

What's the big deal?

Lots of people work in Las Vegas.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

It never bothered Joan rivers.

What are you doing?

Leaving.

That guy who was looking for me, he's a cop.

So?

So? I'm a criminal, that's so.

I am a wanted woman.

What are you wanted for, jaywalking?

Stealing $100,000 from the motherload casino.

I'm telling you, tonight is not my night.

Wait a minute. Wait -- whoa.

Wait a minute.

This machine is just about to pay off.

It's talking to me. -What's it saying?

"Play me! Play me!"

You got a quarter? -Uh, yeah.

-Okay. -Here you go.

-All right. -Good luck.

Pull the lever.

All right! All right!

Okay, I knew it.

I got a nose for jackpots.

Oh, look at this.

I must have $9 in quarters.

All right, you want to go to the tables

and try and win some paper money?

Oh, let's not press our luck.

It took you four hours to win the $9.

Okay, what should we do?

All right.

Let's go up on the bridge and play with the radar.

-What do you say? -Hey, oh, hey, hey.

Slow down, captain fun.

Why don't we just go out for a nice, leisurely walk

on the deck?

Okay, all right.

I don't think I could make it up to the bridge

with all this silver in my pockets anyway.

Oh, gopher, you make me laugh.

I haven't had this much fun in a long time.

Well, it's nice to see you smile again.

Gopher, you're very special to me.

I don't think there's anybody

who can make me feel so comfortable.

Yeah, I'm kind of the old shoe of friends.

No, I mean it.

I don't think I realized how much I cared about you

until I came back.

I think...

I think I love you, goph.

I love you, Julie.

Well, the whole crew loves you.

They always have.

I don't think you understand.

What I mean is...

I think i'm in love with you.

-You mean, this kind -- -of in love with you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

I'm going to Mexico to live out my life

as a fugitive in Spanish Harlem.

Amy, Spanish Harlem's in New York.

Okay, Mexican Harlem, Colombian Harlem. I don't care.

[ Knocking ]

Oh, Ryan! What a surprise.

Gee, look at the time.

I should've been out that door 10 minutes ago.

Looks like you're planning a trip.

What makes you say that?

Because you're sitting on a packed suitcase and, uh,

i believe this is a street map of mazatlaán right here.

Would you look at that?

Mm-hmm.

Amy, I'm a policeman.

I know when someone's hiding something.

I, uh, made a few phone calls.

I know all about it.

-You made phone calls about me? -Hey, I'm a detective.

It's a professional habit to be curious, okay?

Wait a minute, why am I defending myself?

You're involved in a felony.

I know.

Amy, I'm not talking to you as a policeman now.

I'm talking to you as a friend.

Would you tell me what happened?

Well, there was this dealer at the motherload casino

where I was dancing -- Freddy.

Mm-hmm.

We went out a few times, and he asked me to put a package

in the locker at the bus station.

I didn't know there was $100,000 he stole from the casino.

Now I'm an accomplice.

Freddy told me if I ever said anything,

I wouldn't live to regret it.

Uh, Amy, I'm gonna take care of this, okay?

In the meantime, I want you to stay right here.

Do not leave this cabin, okay?

Ah!

♪♪

-Gopher, I got to talk to you. -Ace, can this wait?

My life is a little topsy-turvy right

at the moment, if you don't mind.

I talked to Linda and Max,

and I think we're making a big mistake letting them go.

Linda happens to be a first-rate beautician.

Did you know that she got straight a's

at the Burbank school of beauty and manicure?

You didn't fire her, did you?

Yes, I did fire her, and she took it very well.

She's got a lot of spirit and backbone --

just the kind of employee we should keep.

Ace, she's coming on to you, right?

Right?

I wouldn't say that.

Ace, come over here.

Come on.

What?

Have a seat, please.

Now, I want you to try and be objective about this, all right?

You have just fired a very beautiful woman,

and an hour later,

she becomes an indispensable part of your life.

Now wouldn't you say, maybe, just maybe,

she's manipulating you just a little bit?

Linda wouldn't do that.

Her's mother's a missionary.

Her mother is a Blackjack dealer in Reno.

Ace, buddy, you've been had.

Oh. [ Sighs ]

I know how hard it is to fire Linda,

nagurski's been trying to do it for 6 years.

Well, what about Max?

I mean, he's such a nice, old guy.

The man is a Saint.

That's why no ship has ever been able to fire him.

They just keep transferring him from ship to ship.

Ace, this is his last ship.

You got to can him.

I just can't do it.

You want to be the assistant purser?

You got to do it.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Hi, Mr. Marshall.

Oh, hi, there, young fella.

How's it going?

Get that big promotion yet?

Well, uh, not -- not yet.

You will, you will.

You're a young fella that's going straight to the top.

Oop.

Keep sucking up the little ball.

It's a nuisance.

Uh, Max...

[ Sighs ]

I'm a-- I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

The line has to make some cutbacks,

and, uh, well, Max, uh,

they told me that I have to let you go.

Oh, I'm being transferred to another ship.

It's happened lots of times.

I'm used to it.

Max, you're not being transferred.

You're being terminated.

Terminated?

Oh, oh, you mean fired.

Never use the word "terminated" with an older person.

Max, if you'd like to take the rest of the day off,

I'm sure it'd be all right.

No, no, no, no. That's okay.

I got work to do.

[ Knocking ]

I'm all ready, gopher, let me just get my purse.

Uh, Julie...

I don't think we should go into mazatlaán,

not after last night.

I know what you're thinking, gopher.

You're thinking I haven't thought this thing through,

and you want to do the right thing

by stepping back so Marty and I can work this out.

Actually, I was just trying to keep from getting hurt.

I'm not looking back, goph.

I've given Marty every chance to change,

but he just wouldn't budge.

If he'd ever given me even one indication

he was willing to change, I'd feel differently.

You're sure this is over?

I'm sure.

I cabled him last night,

told him I thought it best we ended it.

I said I understood his choices were great for his career,

but that a marriage needs more.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry that things

did not work out between you and Marty.

On the other hand, I am in love with you.

So things could be a lot worse.

We've been through this before.

Do you really mean it?

I really mean it.

♪♪

Now what do we do?

Now we catch the launch into beautiful mazatlaán,

where -- -i remember --

azure seas kiss the white sands

of a snorkeling, shopping, and parasailing paradise.

Ah!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, launches are still leaving

for beautiful mazatlaán,

where azure seas kiss the white sands

of a snorkeling, shopping, and parasailing paradise.

♪♪

-Hi. -Hi.

Well, I guess she's not coming back.

No, it doesn't look like she is.

I really thought she'd change her mind.

What she's doing doesn't make any sense.

Well, let's face it -- there's only one thing flakier than Amy.

It's made out of corn, and you pour milk over it.

Well, what do you know?

Amy, you're back.

Yeah, I guess I am.

So you decided to face the music, huh?

What changed your mind?

Well, I could tell I was gonna have

a little trouble finding work.

All the want ads were in Spanish.

I think you made the right choice, Amy.

I do too.

I'll probably get all the leads in the prison musicals.

Hey, I got it.

Why did you keep buying me all these souvenirs?

Because I wanted to prove to you that I can be a good provider.

As long as you're with me,

you will never want for straw donkeys.

Hmm.

♪♪

I hope you're not in a hurry to go, amigo.

Oh, please, please, please.

Allow me.

I have a master.

These are probably from captain stubing.

You know what a sentimental guy he is.

They're from Marty.

Somehow, I knew that.

He wants to meet me back in Los Angeles.

Well, I think that's, um...

You know what? Night shift is coming on.

I really ought to be there to welcome them to their ship.

♪♪

♪♪

Linda, keep your hands off me.

You're fired.

I can't save your job.

Hi, ace.

Come on in.

Well, uh, I -- I don't think that's a good idea, uh, Linda.

Linda?

I have some almond oil warming.

I used to work as a masseuse, and I like to keep in practice.

Linda, you remember when I told you you were fired?

Uh-huh, I remember.

Did you talk to gopher and work it all out?

Well, no. Uh, yeah,

uh, oh, I mean, I -- I -- talked to him,

and -- and, uh, he said -- could --

could -- could -- could you not do that.

Look, Linda, you're a beautiful woman,

and I'm sure you are a fine beautician.

And you're a great masseuse.

But there's nothing I can do.

You're still fired.

Good night, and I will lie awake thinking about you...

For months.

♪♪

I did it.

Fired them both.

Congratulations.

I feel so rotten.

Well, of course you do.

You care about people.

When you care, you're bound to get hurt sometime.

But if you love somebody, I mean,

if you really, really love them,

then you have to do what's best for them,

even if it hurts -- even if it tears you up inside.

You got to do what you know is right.

What are we talking about here, gopher?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking about my own problems.

Look, ace, Linda's gonna be fine.

And as far as Max is concerned, well,

if I were king of the world,

Max would live happily ever after.

But I'm not,

and there are some things I just can't do.

Thanks.

Look, whatever it is that's bothering you,

I hope it works out all right.

-See ya. -Bye.

We missed you at dinner.

I don't really feel like eating.

That's what I told them.

I said that we filled up on jumbo burritos in mazatlaán.

Thanks.

I didn't eat anything either.

I figured it'd make the story look good.

I'm not supposed to tell you this,

but the captain is planning to throw a surprise party

for you in his cabin tonight.

I don't think I could face it.

Oh, gopher, I'm so confused.

My problem is I'm in love with two men.

But you're only married to one of them, Julie.

I was so sure that was over,

then his telegram said my leaving really shook him up.

He's giving up the movie

and taking three months off so we can work things out.

I knew it.

He used the oldest negotiating trick in the book --

gave in to all your demands.

Oh, when did this have to get so complicated?

It would be so much easier to run off with you --

start all over.

True.

But I'd never be able to send you roses.

Julie, look.

You made a commitment to a man you love,

but now that's he's willing to change what's wrong...

You got to go back and give it another try.

I didn't mean to hurt you, gopher.

Well, that's a risk we both took.

You know, you fall head over heels,

you don't always land on your feet.

Isn't that profound?

You are a good friend.

I know.

So... Want to go to a party?

I think I'll need a minute.

My eyes must be red from crying.

Here, a drop in each eye.

Worked for me just before dinner.

[ Up-beat music playing ]

[ Applause ]

What's the matter?

Go ahead without me.

I can't do it.

Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, the international lounge

is proud to present the mermaids.

[ Applause ]

♪ Come on, babe ♪

♪ why don't we paint the town? ♪

Together: ♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ I'm gonna Rouge my knees and roll my stockings down ♪

Together: ♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ start the car ♪

♪ I know a whoopee spot ♪

♪ where the gin is cold ♪

♪ but the piano's hot ♪

♪ it's just a noisy hall ♪

♪ where there's a nightly brawl ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ slick your hair and wear you buckle shoes ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ I hear that father dip ♪

♪ is gonna blow the blues ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ hold on, hon, we're gonna bunny hug ♪

♪ I bought some aspirin down at united drug ♪

♪ in case you shake apart and want a brand new start ♪

♪ to do that jazz ♪

♪ to do that jazz ♪

♪ oh, I'm gonna see my sheba shimmy shake ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ show her where to park her girdle ♪

♪ oh, her mother's blood'd curdle ♪

♪ if she'd hear her baby squeal ♪

♪ for all that jazz ♪

♪ oh, you're gonna see your sheba shimmy shake ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ oh, I'm gonna shimmy till her garters break ♪

♪ and all that jazz ♪

♪ show her where to park her girdle ♪

♪ oh, her mother's blood'd curdle

♪ if she'd hear her baby squeal ♪

Amy, why aren't you out there?

I just couldn't.

I'm a criminal.

I'd be dancing a lie.

I, uh, I have some news for you, Amy.

Uh, I've been on the phone all day with the Las Vegas d.A.

I'll go peacefully.

It's not what you're thinking.

Freddy's been arrested, tried, convicted.

He's doing 20.

That's great!

Oh, that's not so great.

If he's doing 20, that means I'll probably get 15.

I'll be so old when I get out.

I'll be 35!

Uh, Amy, you have nothing to worry about. Believe me.

The d.A. Believed your story.

-He did? -Mm-hmm.

All you have to do is sign a deposition

when you get back to L.A.,

and this whole mess will be behind you.

Oh, Ryan, I'm so happy.

What can I ever do to thank you?

Well, why don't you go out and finish your number?

-I'll think of something. -Okay.

Oh, I almost forgot my chair.

♪ If she'd hear her baby squeal ♪

♪ for all that jazz ♪

♪ no, I'm no one's wife ♪

♪ but, oh, I love my life ♪

♪ and aaall thaaat jaaazz ♪

♪ that jazz ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good-bye, Mr. Smith.

Good-bye, Max.

I'm sorry about everything.

Oh, don't be. Don't be.

Thanks to ace here, i'm the happiest man in the world.

This wonderful young man

got me a job working with underprivileged kids.

Got me an apartment, too.

I never knew being fired could be so much fun.

Well, see you around. -Bye-bye.

-Here you go, Max. -Thanks again, ace.

-Right. -And, uh, thanks for the car.

Thanks for the car?

All right, I helped him out a little.

My father got him a job working for the city.

Oh, that's nice.

That's nice. Probably doesn't pay very much.

But at least he'll have enough to get by.

Well, actually, it doesn't pay anything.

I'll be paying him $25,000 a year out of my own trust,

but technically, I did fire him.

Good looks, lots of money, heart of gold,

should've been a mountie.

So did I get the job?

Oh, sure you get the job.

Great.

Same pay, 6 months probation.

Make one mistake and you're out of here.

And you're still the ship's photographer.

Congratulations.

Oh.

Linda, Linda, I hope there are no hard feelings.

Swine!

Well, I'm glad you could sail with us.

Hope you do it again soon.

Oh, thank you, captain.

I think he was talking to me.

I definitely plan to take you up on that offer.

Good.

And I'm just going into town to sign some papers.

So don't take off without me.

Airplanes take off, ships sail.

Oh, well, whatever, but don't do it without me.

All right, but look, I want to be in this one, all right?

Uh, oh, sir? Sir?

Uh, excuse me, would you mind taking a picture of us?

All right, all you have to do is look through here,

and then you just press -- -i know, I know.

My company makes these.

Oh.

Company makes them.

Smile!

One more, just for fun.

Uh, everybody do something goofy!

Okay.

-Thank you. -Captain!

-Yes! -Where have you been?

Where have I been?

I have been outside saying good-bye

to the passengers by myself.

Oh, sir, it's all my fault they're here.

I wouldn't leave the ship without a few pictures.

Hey, Julie, promise to write?

No, but I will call more often.

Good-bye, Julie.

Bye, merrill, sir.

Oh, this is so hard.

I'm gonna miss you all so much.

Well, you and Marty will just have to come back.

-Yeah. -Thanks, we will.

Well, bye. Goph, come here a minute.

-Bye, Julie. -Bye.

Judy: You call!

Goph, thanks for saying the right thing

at the right time.

Mm-hmm.

Well, right now...

I'm speechless.

♪♪

♪♪