Original subtitles

[Theme - dionne Warwick, "the love boat theme"]

Theme song: Love-- love's exciting and new.

Come aboard-- we're expecting you.

When in love, love is my sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It flows back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat promising something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

Yeah, love-- love--

love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

Welcome aboard-- it's love!

Welcome aboard-- it's love!

[Music playing]

At least now they won't have Tyler Hamilton

to kick around anymore.

If I can't be head of surgery, then at least I can be rich.

[Laughing]

Tyler-- I can't let you take the money from the disabled

orphans children's fund.

And how do you think you're going to stop me, Victoria?

[Click]

You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.

You said it yourself the other day in surgery--

no guts, no glory.

[Gunshot]

[Screaming]

[Music playing]

[Groaning]

Oh, don't-- don't go.

It's ok.

Everybody-- everybody.

You'll get plenty of "mercy hospital" on the cruise,

because two of the stars will be joining us.

All right!

And, in their honor, we will be showing

"mercy hospital" every day.

[Cheering]

[Applause]

Oh.

Isn't my aunt Sylvia wonderful?

You know, she's so nice in person

that it's hard to believe her as a woman who

would marry for money and then poison

her husband in his sleep.

Yeah.

Poison him in his sleep?

Mhm.

How do you do that?

She put strychnine in his vaporizer.

[Sigh] And to think, they cancelled "Star Trek."

Adam: Welcome aboard.

Andy singer-- I've read all your fitness books.

Oh, you're the one.

[Laughing] Hi.

Welcome.

This is my wife, Valerie.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Who are you?

Oh, yeah.

Names would help.

I'm Adam bricker, the ship's doctor.

And this is, uh, berle Smith, the ship's purser.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Are you by any chance on your way to the acapulco

ironman triathlon?

I've been doing it every year since it started.

Ok, I give up-- what exactly is

the acapulco ironman triathlon?

Well, first of all, you warm up with an invigorating

2.4-mile swim, and then you take a picturesque

112-mile bike ride, and then you sort

of ease into a 26-mile run.

And then you're finished.

And you do all this without anybody chasing you?

[Laughing]

Amazing.

Thank you.

Enjoy your cruise.

Uh, excuse me, ladies--

how about a picture?

Of you?

Oh, yes.

[Chuckling] Uh, no, no.

I meant of the three of you.

Oh.

Oh, let's we'll take a picture at the end of the cruise,

too-- they say you can see the difference.

Ace: Ok. Here we go.

Big smiles.

Come on.

Great. Ok.

Enjoy yourselves. - Thank you.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

That man's got an obligation to reproduce.

This is it.

We're getting on this ship girls,

but we'll be getting off women.

[Squealing]

[Screaming]

Aunt Sylvia--

Judy, dear!

How are you?

Isn't this wonderful?

Oh, I just love you all.

I will sign anything you want later,

but right now I have to talk to my new niece.

Judy, I want you to meet Roger.

(Shouting) Roger!

Oh.

Judy McCoy, Roger Garrett.

[Inaudible]

Judy: Mr. Garrett.

I just have to know--

did my aunt kill you?

Really, my dear, it would take more than bullets

to kill Tyler Hamilton.

Can you get us out of here?

These people are driving me crazy.

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Where's, uh, Betsy?

Well, I thought she was right behind me.

Oh, will you, uh, take me to the florist, please?

You see, my boutonniere has passed away.

Oh.

[Inaudible]

Thank you.

Oh my goodness!

Betsy, I thought somebody was going to help you!

Who, the luggage fairy?

I could have helped you.

Oh, I wouldn't want the star to break a nail.

Stop that.

Six months on a soap opera doesn't make me a star.

In that case--

[thuds]

--You carry it.

If that photographer is a sample of the men on board,

this is going to be a dream come true.

What if it takes the whole cruise to find Mr. Right?

Denise, you are not looking for Mr. Right.

You're looking for Mr. Hot.

Unless, of course, you want to be the only virgin

at the university this fall? - [Sigh]

We couldn't have picked a more perfect

settin' for our first time.

I'm so glad it's not gonna happen on a hay

ride or a drive-in movie.

Ooh!

Ooh!

So what do you think?

My mother picked it out for me.

For this?

Oh, no.

For my sweet sixteen slumber party.

But I've always liked it.

Now look, girls-- we are gonna have to be organized.

I've done up this little sketch for the use of the room.

I've divided the day into one-hour blocks.

Oh.

One hour blocks?

Does anybody want to trade their evenin'

blocks for my mornin' blocks?

Why?

I brought candles.

So pull the shades, Rita.

Sherry: Look, no trades, ok, you guys?

I used my dad's computer to work this thing out.

But what if it takes longer than an hour?

Oh, grow up, Denise.

That only happens in Danielle Steele novels.

I just think it's so dear of the producers of "mercy

hospital" to give us this lovely trip during our hiatus

from the show.

You know why they paid for us too is because of Roger--

he's the one with the real power.

Oh, I know.

But he's such a friend anyway.

He told me that they were trying to butter him up

because he's renegotiating his contract.

Well, they better have champagne in his suite,

or it'll cost them another three grand a week.

[Giggling]

[Music playing]

Oh!

Betsy, isn't this wonderful?

They gave us great big suites, too!

There must be some mistake.

[Music playing]

My.

This is very small.

[Horn blaring]

[Shouting]

[Theme music]

Look at these girls.

Oh, Sherry's the only one that has a chance.

I haven't seen skin this good that hasn't been airbrushed.

Granted, it's stiff competition.

But it'll be good trainin' for sorority rush.

Well, I've got first hour in the cabin, and I see my target.

Great. I got it.

Here, let me help you out.

Ah!

Oh.

Amy, I'm sorry.

Amy--

no thanks.

Aw.

Can we talk?

Uh-- yeah.

[Music playing]

Andy--

mhm?

I told you, I packed your bicycle helmet,

your cycling shoes, your running shoes.

They're all there.

Don't you trust me? - Yeah, i-- I do.

I trust you.

Mm.

How about my goggles?

Andy, I'm beginning to think all

you care about is this race. - No!

Now, when we came on this cruise,

you promised me you'd relax--

- i-- I am. - --And be romantic--

I'm relaxed.

I'm-- I am really here.

Feel my pulse.

See, that's 52 beats a minute.

Mhm.

Mhm.

It should be 48.

No, that's when I'm resting.

We were kind of moving around, weren't we?

Oh, yes.

It's called mating.

Mating-- you haven't forgotten, have you?

- No. - Mhm.

Thanks for reminding me.

My pleasure.

How about my socks my-- my--

my lucky socks. Did you pack 'em?

[Sigh]

Andy: Oh! I love you.

I really do.

[Giggling] These may end up being my lucky socks.

[Music playing]

I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

Well, sweetheart, you just sit there and think about it.

I see what I've been looking for.

If that's not a Latin lover, there's no cattle in abilene.

Uh-- look, I appreciate your offer.

I'm flattered.

It's very generous.

Uh-- but--

maybe I didn't make myself clear.

[Chuckling] No-- no, no.

Uh, I understood-- you see, I'm very familiar with the term

"whoopie."

It's just that I make it my policy not to, uh, you

know, guh, whoop, with girls I've only

known for 2 and 1/2 minutes.

Thanks a lot, buster.

I wasted a whole time block because of you.

"To Shirley, the elevator girl--

happy ups and downs."

Or, Betsy, should I say, "good to the last drop, love,

Sylvia."

There you go.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

I've been on "mercy hospital" for six months,

and already people recognize me.

[Laughing]

I guess if being known is all you care about,

then you're a big success.

What do you mean?

I mean, there is a difference.

For instance, I'll be remembered as the woman

who stopped the show in "footlight follies."

And you'll be remembered as the sleazeball who

went to bed with the three interns

who were about to perform brain surgery on your husband.

I never did that!

Did I?

Well, they didn't show the scene,

but the interns talked about it--

on last Thursday's show, I think it was.

Don't you ever watch it?

Oh, I don't have time to watch television.

I'm always busy memorizing all those lines.

Nothing personal, but I'm just happy that I still

have my professional integrity.

Oh.

Well, then-- you know, I'm really

glad I didn't ask Roger to get you that part in the show.

What part?

Oh, the show is adding a new character.

I suppose I could use it as a springboard to a good stage

role.

Hello, Sylvia.

You know, we've got to look over next week's script.

I was thinking we could get together in my cabin

before dinner and have a little creative pow-wow.

Oh, thank you--

I do need all the help I can get.

Yes, I know.

Well, 'til then.

Ta.

Ta!

What a nice man.

What a lech.

Betsy, why would you even think such a thing?

If he was only interested in your acting, honey,

he wouldn't have sucked in his gut.

[Slurping]

Let me try a bloody Mary, no alcohol.

Virgin.

Is it that obvious?

That's what you call a drink that doesn't have any alcohol.

Oh, I knew that--

I have virgins all the time.

I've never seen such eyes.

They sparkle like they're sapphires.

That's my tinted contacts.

And your skin--

it's like that of a delicate porcelain doll.

Ram n, who's the se orita?

It's my girlfriend.

Ignore her-- she doesn't speak any English.

Can she read body language?

It's ok.

We have an understanding.

Excuse me.

This is not the way I pictured it.

You two go right on ahead with your understanding.

[Speaking Spanish]

[Music playing]

Yeah, I've done it all-- booze,

cigarettes, and junk food.

So what made you change?

Well, one night I was carrying my son up to bed,

and he was just a month old, and I got winded.

It scared the hell out of me.

The next day I put myself on a diet and exercise program.

Been hooked on feeling good.

It changed my whole way of life.

That's terrific.

You know, I'll be 40 next month.

I look younger now than I did 10 years ago.

Andy, you said you weren't going

to spend all day in the gym.

We're supposed to be having fun.

We will-- just as soon as I do my 200 push-ups I will.

Well, it's a good thing you're racing tomorrow--

give you a chance to rest.

[Music playing]

My, you keep yourself in great shape.

Oh, yeah.

Pump iron every day.

Well, uh, if you want to work out with a partner, I've got

an aerobics tape up in my cabin.

Mm.

It's an advanced workout to bolero.

[Grunt]

Uh, maybe some other time is better.

Bye.

Uh, excuse me--

[inaudible] Because--

[inaudible]

Thank you, [inaudible].

Oh.

Are you taking up a new hobby, gopher?

No, sir.

I'm giving one up.

[Music playing]

Captain stubing: Now wait a minute--

this character that Sylvia plays on the soap opera

killed her husband by drugging the doctor who was doing

her husband's brain surgery?

Right.

Yes, but her husband didn't die-- he went into a coma.

No, no, no.

He didn't go into a coma, because it wasn't her husband.

They thought it was because of the plastic surgery.

Who had plastic surgery?

Nobody.

They just thought he did, but as it turned out,

it was really the husband's twin brother.

I wonder who is the father of Jessica's baby?

Oh, wait.

One thing at a time!

The man who had the plastic surgery

has got a twin brother who was married to his former wife?

It was really his adopted sister.

Oh, this is too much for me.

This whole thing sounds too much like doc's life.

Doc didn't have brain surgery, did he?

I'd be discreet, and it would be our little secret.

That's really very sweet, and I really

would like to help you out.

But like I told your friend, I can't!

[Music playing]

Listen, I'm going to be real honest with you--

I came over here to ask you to make love with me.

Now-- now, I know that sounds awfully brazen--

you probably wouldn't respect a woman

who'd make that kind of offer.

Come to think of it, neither would i--

which makes me wonder why i'm even doing something like this.

Except for my friends talked me into it.

So believe me when I say, I don't

blame you for turning me down--

after all, those are the kind of principles

that'll probably make you a wonderful husband someday.

Good luck.

[Music playing]

Do you know her?

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

[Music playing]

Come in.

Oh, I must thank you for helping me.

You're such a generous man.

Oh, but I have so much more to give.

Oh.

Sylvia, you know the reason I asked the production company

to send you along on this trip was, well, I thought it would

give us a chance to get to know one another better,

with the objective, of course, of,

uh, bringing a sense of reality to the roles we play.

Oh, I must apologize--

I haven't read the script.

Do we have a champagne scene in the script?

[Sigh] Forget the script.

It's all on cue cards, anyway.

Dearest darling--

oh!

[Shout]

She was right!

You are, indeed, a gut-sucking lech!

Roger: Sylvia!

You've got me all wrong.

I was just trying to improvise a scene!

I happen to be a professional actress, and I may be cheap,

but I have never been easy.

[Door slams]

[Music playing]

By the way, girls, you can forget about the guys

with the blue name tags--

they're part of a celibacy support group.

Shoot.

I'm gonna go to the roulette table

and try and pick me a winner.

Bye.

Bye.

You know, Sherry, I'm tired of all this chasing around.

Well, not me.

I just hope when the time comes, I have enough energy left.

Well, I'm going to change for dinner.

You're already dressed.

I can change if I want to-- it's my hour.

Oh, I've been looking for you.

Please.

I have already been through this with your friends.

You're all very sweet, really.

But if I start doing this sort of thing,

I won't get any work done.

But I was just going to ask you for an extra copy

of the boarding picture.

Oh.

I-- I'm terribly sorry.

I thought you were, um--

well, you know, hitting on me.

[Gasp] Oh, no!

No.

No, no, no.

Believe me, I don't do that sort of thing very well.

I hope you're not offended.

Offended?

No.

No, I'm relieved.

Frankly, i-- I don't feel too comfortable

being treated like prime beef.

[Laughing]

Have you, uh--

have you had dinner?

Why, no.

You know, it was a problem for me even in kindergarten--

the prime beef thing.

Y-- y-- you don't understand.

I-- i-- I'm up $1,500.

I can't leave right now.

Well, if you start losing, you can still get lucky in a336.

[Music playing]

Hey, gopher!

Valerie and doc are going to join me

in the dining room for dinner.

Do you want to come?

On foot?

Don't tell me you're that sore from one workout.

Hey-- one two-hour workout, ok?

I think my legs are getting ready to sue me

for cruel and unusual punishment.

No pain, no gain.

Hm.

Cute.

Andy?

Are you ok?

Yeah, i'm--

[sigh] I'm fine, really.

I think I just, uh, came down, uh, the stairs a little

fast, that's all.

Ok.

Of course, I never--

never really had a normal home life.

Oh.

Parents divorced?

No.

I grew up on a yacht.

I had to wear rubber-soled shoes until I was 18.

Oh, you poor thing.

[Laughing] Yeah.

[Laughter]

Oh!

[Applause]

Oh, my.

Just our way of showing how happy

we are about your success.

Oh, thank you, captain.

Isn't that nice, Betsy?

Charming.

So, who is the father of Jessica's baby?

Jessica's pregnant?

She never watches her own show.

[Chuckling]

[Scoffing]

So how was your rehearsal with Roger?

You were right-- he is a lech.

Did he try something?

Yes, and I told him i'd never speak to him again.

Except, of course, when we're working.

Aunt Sylvia, would you and Betsy

dance with the mermaids tomorrow night?

Oh, that would be fun!

They never let me dance on "mercy hospital."

That would be fun, wouldn't it, Betsy?

Oh, yes.

Fine.

- Oh, great! - Great!

Good!

[Laughter]

When you dumped Roger, was that

before or after you mentioned my doing a part on the show?

I didn't have a chance.

But it's just as well--

I know you wouldn't be happy doing a cheap soap opera.

No.

Of course not.

Ah.

Doctors do recommend six to eight glasses of water,

don't you?

Yes.

But we usually mean spread out over a whole day,

not just one meal.

Evening, everyone.

Hi.

Don't let me interrupt anything--

just wanted to come over here and see how Andy's doing.

Gave me a little bit of a scare there, pal.

Oh, I'm doing fine, thanks.

How about you?

Oh, I'm fine.

Heck, uh, Mrs. Phillips and I were just

discussing her hip replacement.

Well?

Not so fast!

Did you have another fainting spell?

You've been having fainting spells?

No.

Listen, my wife's just a bit of a worrier.

It's the extra training-- sometimes it makes

me a little bit lightheaded.

Well, just to be on the safe side,

why don't you drop down to my office after dinner?

Doc, nothing is wrong with me.

Excuse me.

[Music playing]

Young man: [Laughing] I can't get it undone.

I'm afraid it's stuck.

Sherry: What is the problem?

It-- it kept coming loose, so I tied it in a knot.

D-- do you think I could keep my shirt on?

Let me ask you a personal question--

is this by any chance your first time?

Oh!

[Laughing] First time?

You kidding?

[Laughing] Yeah.

I'm sorry.

This just isn't going to work out.

I mean, one of us should have some idea

how to do this thing right.

I-- it can't be that hard--

I know a lot of stupid people who do this all the time.

No offense, but my parents have spent a lot of money

on this cruise.

And I would just rather have somebody

a little more experienced than Ricky schroder.

Oh, well thanks a lot!

You know, I left a full pi a colada to come down here!

I have reason to suspect you have diabetes.

Diabetes?

Don't be ridiculous.

I-- I haven't felt better in my whole life.

Andy, if you do have diabetes, and it

continues to go untreated, you could be putting

yourself in great danger.

Doc, I appreciate your professional advice,

but as far as my body goes, I happen to know what's best.

[Music playing]

I do hope you're not mad at me for ruining

your chances to be in the show.

Of course not.

If I did "mercy hospital," I couldn't do summer stock.

I'd be stuck in New York working all the time.

I'd be plagued by fans in restaurants.

I'd be known as--

I'd be known.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you're not mad.

Tomorrow we'll go shopping in acapulco.

We'll have scads of fun.

We'll be beside ourselves-- our favorite position!

Fan mail, magazines, calls for interviews.

Guest spots on "dynasty!"

Aw.

Lilith.

It's Betsy, but why should anyone remember my name?

Lilith is a new character on the show, as yet uncast.

You know, it just struck me that you are my image of her.

Really?

My instincts are never wrong.

Would you care to join me in a little champagne?

And then we can discuss it further?

Well, it's late.

Good night.

But-- my watch is a little fast.

Oh.

[Music playing]

Oh my goodness!

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Oh, uh-- excuse me.

I was looking for Sherry?

Oh.

She won't be back for--

two hours.

Two hours?

I don't have that much time.

Well, then-- why don't you come

on in, and we'll make the most of the time you do have.

Should have taken a cruise years ago.

There are glasses over there on the dresser.

Can you pour the champagne?

I thought I'd slip into this-- what do you think?

Ah.

I don't know-- i--

I can't really see it.

Oh.

Uh-- very-- very, very nice.

Rita: This is just the way I pictured it.

You there.

Me here.

My favorite nighty.

Music.

[Music playing]

Candle light.

The rollin' of the ship.

I'll bet that you're a very romantic man.

Hm.

Wish my wife felt the same way.

Your wife?

[Screaming]

I'll pay for the dress.

If you ever think I'd get involved with a married man,

you just don't know me very well.

I have standards!

[Blowing out candles]

[Music playing]

Oh!

[Panting]

[Inaudible]

How-- how much do I owe you?

For what you did?

At least $50.

Oh.

Here, take this.

But please don't let my wife find out.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Ah.

This had better be important, gopher.

The captain needs his sleep-- he is

responsible for lots of passengers,

and a great big boat.

Yes, sir.

I know that, sir.

But there is something I think you should know.

Yes?

Those three-- ha--

college girls from Texas--

those girls are turning this ship

into a house of prostitution!

Good evening.

Good evening.

[Music playing]

Judy (on loudspeaker): Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to acapulco.

To help get you started this morning,

our delicious breakfast buffet will be ready on the starlight

deck as soon as we dock.

Andy?

I've been looking all over for you!

I can't believe you're still going through with this.

I thought we settled this last night--

at least a dozen times.

Andy, please let doc give you a blood test.

If anything ever happened to you--

nothing is going to happen to me.

Now, I don't want to discuss it.

Well, if that's the way you feel, then you can

just go to the triathlon alone.

Ok.

Andy, wait--

I'll go with you.

I've never missed one of your races yet.

I'm not about to start now.

And besides, who'll carry your lucky socks?

[Music playing]

Captain stubing: Ladies, it has been brought to my attention

that you have been--

shall we say-- approaching men on board this ship.

Is that true?

Well, yes.

Is there a problem with that?

Well, I'll say there's a problem with that!

Uh, we feel that our gentlemen passengers

have enough amusements on board the ship

without having to resort to that kind of activity.

We didn't think it was that unusual.

Young lady, it is more than unusual, it is illegal!

You could be arrested!

I hope they're not this strict at college.

You were planning on doing this kind of thing at college?

Well, some.

What ever happened to waiting on tables

or helping out at the library?

Believe us, captain-- this is the first time we've ever

done anything like this.

Well, I hope this will be your last.

[Music playing]

That certainly destroys our plans.

Some romantic holiday.

That cruise brochure was very misleading.

Well, I must admit I'm relieved.

I sort of gave up yesterday, anyway.

Well, not me.

I think the captain's bluffing.

But if you two want to throw in the towel,

you lose your time blocks.

[Latin music]

[Music playing]

Roger: [Laughing] Oh, Betsy, you are a scamp.

Oh, Roger, you say the sweetest things.

Do you really think you can get me that part of Lilith?

Well, you happen to be sitting with the most powerful

man on daytime television.

Next to big bird.

Sylvia!

I hope you slept well.

I hope you slept.

Uh-- ex-- excuse me, won't you?

I must arrange for a limo to take us shopping.

What are you doing?

Just having breakfast with a charming man.

He a lech-- you said so yourself.

Oh, Sylvia.

Sylvia, I think you've really misjudged Roger.

What makes you think he's going to get you

that part on "mercy hospital?"

I did a great audition.

[Music playing]

[Gunshot]

I loaded that pistol with blanks.

Then I'll call the police.

I'll give you half the money.

Sylvia (as Victoria): [Laughing] Tyler, I've always loved you.

[Laughing]

Roger (as Tyler): I have a private jet, lady.

My dear, you will love rio.

[Laughing]

Rio?

Why would Tyler go to rio?

He's wanted for murder there.

Ace: I want to talk to you.

Ace!

Don't call me ace.

Call me Mr. Chump.

I spent an entire evening pouring out

my innermost thoughts and feelings to you, then

I find out that you're a, uh--

well, there's just no easy way to say it-- you're a,

uh-- you're a hooker.

What?

Where did you hear that?

From the captain and gopher, that's who.

Aw.

[Laughing] Aw, that's funny.

[Laughing]

- You think that that's funny? - That's a hoot.

Huh? Real funny.

Aw, ace.

You don't understand.

We're-- virgins.

Oh, and that makes it all right?

This is disgusting.

[Music playing]

Andy, you're back awfully early.

Wow, you must have set some record for finishing, huh?

Excuse me. I've gotta take a shower.

Ok.

Well, now that's what I call modesty.

He never finished the triathlon--

he passed out right after the swim.

[Dramatic music]

[Music playing]

Ace, I realized what's been going on.

And I thought the captain was acting kind of strange,

then after what you said, I understood.

Look, ace, we're not hookers.

We're three college girls that get a lot of flack

because we're inexperienced.

You're not professionals?

We're not even amateurs.

I guess I'm old-fashioned.

But I'd like to fall in love first.

I'm really glad to hear that.

Well, come on-- let's take a walk,

and I'll tell you how this whole stupid thing started.

All right.

See, I've got this friend, Sherry--

mhm.

She's a real jerk.

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry if I woke you from a nap,

but I've been thinking it over, and, uh, I've reconsidered.

It might be kind of interesting for two people

to share their first time together.

Oh, hi.

Oh, it does sound kind of poetic when you think about it.

Oh.

Beat it, kiddo.

[Door slams]

This is terrible.

Sylvia, I'm a rat.

This is awful!

I know, and it's all my fault.

Well, I don't see how it could be your fault.

Well, that's sweet of you to say so, but you were so right--

the minute we got in that limo, Roger was

all over me like a cheap suit.

I saw myself in the rear view mirror, and believe me,

it was not a pretty sight.

I realized how low I've stooped.

And the worst part of it is I'm throwing

over my best friend for a stupid little part

in a sleazy soap opera.

Not that I couldn't have used the money,

but our friendship is the important thing.

Have I hurt you terribly?

I'm going to die!

Well, there's no need to lay it on.

Sit down.

Read this.

Look-- there.

Rance-- "did you hear the dreadful news?

Tyler and Victoria both got what they deserved.

Their plane crashed over Argentina.

There were no survivors."

Jessica-- I guess I can tell you now,

Roger was the father of my ba--" oh, so he was

the father of Jessica's baby.

Betsy, you don't seem to understand.

Roger demanded a bigger salary, so they made his plane crash,

and I was on it.

Now we're both out of the show.

But what about Lilith?

She was the stewardess.

Well, I guess that's show business.

We can always do dinner theater together.

Wait a minute--

Roger hasn't read his script.

He doesn't know.

That show meant everything to him.

When he finds out, it will break his heart.

Aw.

Let me tell him.

[Music playing]

Sherry, have you seen Denise at all today?

No.

From all those straw donkeys on her bed,

I think she went shopping in acapulco.

That's what we should have done.

We should have done a lot of things

different on this cruise.

Yeah, like go to Fort Lauderdale.

Well, I know you can fool around there.

Most be zoned differently.

[Sigh] Why don't we just forget

the manhunt and enjoy the time we have left on this cruise?

I guess you're right.

You want to be my dance partner tonight?

Why not?

That's how we got through junior high, isn't it?

[Music playing]

Good evening.

Hey, Andy.

Can I have a beer, please?

Oh, certainly.

Uh-- I really don't think that's advisable, Andy--

not until the diabetes is under control.

If you don't mind, I'd like to have a beer.

Thank you.

All right.

May I ask you a question?

Do I have a choice?

Well, I was wondering what the author of fitness books

would say to a guy like you?

Tough luck.

Doc: I think you'd better reread your own book.

You spend about 300 pages talking

about self-discipline, and how important

it is to overcome obstacles.

I guess you meant only the easy ones, huh?

You don't understand--

doc: You're right, I don't understand

how that man and the one standing next to me

could be the same person.

Andy, having diabetes does mean that you're

going to have to conform to some rather strict changes

in your lifestyle.

But Andy, you've been doing that for years, anyway.

That's who you are--

somebody who goes after a challenge head-on, and wins.

[Music playing]

[Band playing]

What a beautiful day we've had.

Yes.

I just wish I hadn't asked that man to take

our picture in acapulco.

Oh, I'm sure when he realizes it's your camera,

he'll bring it back.

Hi.

Valerie: Hi.

Oh!

What are these for?

Acting like a spoiled child.

Mm.

And this is for acting like a big jerk.

And these are for various miscellaneous personality

flaws.

[Laughing]

Valerie, I'm gonna need your help.

You've always had it.

[Kiss]

And since we're on the subject of gifts,

there's something I want to give you.

Aw.

A new pair of lucky socks.

[Giggling]

Thank you.

[Music playing]

Hello, Roger, you big, strong galoot.

I thought you were mad at me.

I thought you were both mad at me.

Oh, we were.

But we made up with each other.

And now, we will make up with you.

Yes.

Both of you?

Why not?

We're all consenting adults.

[Laughing] Cash me in.

Oh, no hurry.

I find it stimulating to watch a man gamble.

The bigger the bet, the bigger the man.

My favorite number is sex.

I mean six.

Six it is.

Ooh.

I feel a tingle already.

[Laughing]

Ooh!

That is an awful lot of money.

Not when you're the highest paid

star on daytime television.

Oh!

That reminds me.

I took a look at that script the producer

gave you before you left.

I guess all that money you were asking the show

for was too much, so the plane that you and Victoria were on

crashed.

No survivors.

We're out, Roger.

23 red, the winner.

Looks like you're a loser, Roger.

Nighty-night, Roger.

Hope that cough gets better.

I enjoyed that so much!

It's fun to do things together.

[Laughing]

Let's make a pact-- let's never let men, or money--

or work.

--Or work come between us again.

Agree.

I have one quarter left.

You pull.

[Grinding]

[Clicking]

[Jingling]

Sylvia: Are we good together, or what?

[Music playing]

(Singing) We've always been bosom buddies--

friends, sisters, and pals.

We've always been bosom buddies.

If life should reject you, there's me to protect you.

(Singing) If I say that your tongue is vicious--

(singing) If I call you uncouth--

(singing) It's simply that who else

but a bosom buddy will sit down and tell you the truth?

[Music playing]

(Singing) They've always been bosom buddies--

friends, and sisters, and pals.

Aren't they adorable?

[Laughing]

[Music playing]

(Singing) It's simply that who else

but a bosom buddy will sit down and tell you the truth?

Though now and again i'm aware that my candid opinion may

sting--

though often my frank observations might scorn--

I've been meaning to tell you for years you should keep

your hair natural, like mine.

If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.

[Laughter]

I fell it's my duty to tell you it's

time to adjust to your age.

You try to be peg o' my heart when you're lady Macbeth.

Exactly how old are you, Betsy?

The truth!

How old do you think?

I'd say somewhere between 40 and death.

[Laughter]

(Singing) But sweetie--

(singing) We've always been bosom buddies--

friends, sisters, and pals.

Who else but a bosom buddy--

(singing) Would tell you how rotten you are?

(Singing) Who else but a bosom buddy would sit down and level,

and give you the devil, will sit down and tell you the truth?

[Music playing]

[Applause]

[Music playing]

Denise, you were out until 4:00 am.

Now, we're your best friends.

We deserve at least a hint.

All right.

I was not playing shuffleboard.

[Scoff]

Ladies, I promised you some boarding pictures.

Hm.

Maybe during, uh, spring break we can get together again.

I'd like that.

And I'd like to thank you for a really special evening.

[Music playing]

[Sigh]

Bye-bye.

Actually, I'm glad we didn't do it.

Why?

This way we can save ourselves for a truly

meaningful occasion.

You mean like homecomin'?

Sherry, you have got to be the shallowest person in Texas.

Come on.

So the way I look at it, doc, is

having a body in perfect physical condition

was getting sort of boring, anyway.

Yes, I know.

I gave up perfection years ago.

[Chuckle]

Gopher, what are you doing eating that junk?

Oh, this isn't for me.

I never touch the stuff.

Oh.

"With love and kisses in happy little places, Sylvia Bennett."

That's my favorite picture.

[Chuckling]

There you go.

Thank you very much.

Oh, this is for Vicky.

Oh, then I shouldn't have written your name!

Oh, that's ok--

she'll understand.

Aunt Sylvia, have you told any of your fans

that you're not going to be on "mercy hospital" anymore?

Of course not.

I figure I have about a week left as a soap opera star,

and I'm not gonna waste it.

Well, in that case, let one of your fans carry our luggage.

[Music playing]

[Theme music]

[CBS jingle]