Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

♪ ♪

Boy, they sure don't make them like that anymore.

Yeah, world war ii.

That was my war. [ Sighs, chuckles ]

I would have loved to have seen action,

commanded my own ship.

But, merrill, you were only 8 years old

when the war ended.

Yes, but I was big for my age.

Oh, well, I'm sure you would have had a command, sir.

I mean, heck, back then, everybody had a command.

Even the captains of garbage scows had com--

but you would have rated a battleship, I'm sure.

Can you imagine what it would have been like

if the pacific Princess had pulled duty as a troop-carrier?

Mm.

Well, for one thing, 40 years ago,

we wouldn't be carrying around girls in bikinis.

We'd be carrying around battle gear.

Man: Dateline, may 6th, 1945 -- the pacific Princess goes to war

while general patton continues his relentless march to Berlin.

Thousands of america's finest young men

say good-bye to wives and to sweethearts

as they board the pacific Princess

for a trip across the Atlantic

and a rendezvous with destiny.

Gopher: Okay, you men, listen up!

"C" company, deck "a."

"B" company, deck "c."

"A" company, deck "b."

Somebody made this harder than it has to be.

Sir, could you tell me where company "c" is again?

"A" deck, midship, portside.

In case you're wondering where that is, sir,

that's the middle of the ship on the left.

These Navy guys talk like they fight.

They never know where they're aiming.

Come on, I'll show you.

Dog face.

-Excuse me. -Yo. Oh.

Judy McCoy, u.S.O. Director.

Oh, sure, Ms. McCoy. Nice to meet you.

Yes, we're hear to entertain the troops on the way to Europe.

Yeah, we've been expecting you.

Say, you and your gals are billeted on "b" deck.

Hope you'll be comfortable there.

Thank you.

[ Men cheering, whooping ]

Hey, sweetheart, you looking for me?

Do I know you?

Time is short. War is hell.

What else do we need to know?

Girls, girls, remember the regulations.

Huh?

No fraternizing with enlisted men

outside your regular u.S.O. Duties.

[ Sighs ]

Now, let's go. Come on. Come on.

Oh! Oh, oh!

-Let's go. -Oh! Oh!

-Let's go! -Ohh!

Oh.

Come back.

♪ ♪

Can you tell us where the performers are staying?

"B" deck, ma'am -- just follow the signs.

Don't feel bad, Carl. You're doing your part.

Sure.

They're risking their lives, and I'm tap dancing for freedom.

Shield up, my soldier boys, because lupe zapata...

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Men cheering, whooping ]

We've reserved the admiralty suite for you, Ms. Valdez.

How big is the bed?

[ Laughter, [ Cheers, and applause ]

Because I do a lot of reading.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Smith. -Sir!

Merrill: We have 12 soldiers assigned to each state room.

How do you justify putting one woman in the admiralty suite?

Well, with all due respect, sir, this is not just any woman.

This is lupe zapata De vega valdez,

one of Hollywood's biggest stars.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I hate to toot my own horn...

[ Laughter ]

But I gave up a fantastic part in "return to rio"

just to love and perform for my boys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

May I show you to your cabin?

[ Men ooh ] -Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I should be doing it. I'm the captain.

This is so exciting. Just think --

two months ago, I was an Iowa farm girl,

and today...

I'm helping a movie star get dressed.

This is the land of opportunity.

[ Ship horn blares ]

♪ ♪

Your hospitality packages, courtesy of the u.S.O..

Each one has a bar of soap, some chocolate, and a nail file.

Hey, doll, mine ain't got no nail file.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Aah.

[ Flash clicks ]

Aah! Aah!

[ Blows ]

[ Sighs ]

Name's Ashley Evans, Liberty magazine.

You can call me "ace."

Charles Reynolds, U.S. army.

Everybody calls me "chip."

Okay, chip, I'll level with you --

this is my first assignment.

My job is to cover the war from the inside out.

Let me ask you a question, chip.

Shoot.

What makes a man leave the warmth of his home

to crawl through the barbed wire

with bullets whizzing over his head, huh?

I was drafted.

[ Laughs ]

How about you?

Me?

I'm 4-f -- bad knees.

Polo injury.

Oh, yeah.

Polo is hell.

Hey.

Yeah?

See you in the chow line.

This one ain't got no gum.

I'd rather have the gum than the nail file.

♪ ♪

Any sign of Japanese war ships, ensign?

Sir, this is the Atlantic. The Japanese are in the pacific.

You're right.

I know how to remember that.

"Japanese" and "pacific" both have the "p" in them.

[ Sighs ]

It's clever, sir. It's very clever.

I'd give anything for some action.

I want a ship with 12-inch guns and a war room!

Instead, I got a ship with a swimming pool and --

and dance floor.

You're right, sir.

But when it's waxed,

it's a very dangerous dance floor.

You're a good man, ensign.

Never, ever leave that man alone on the bridge.

[ Upbeat music plays ]

Carl: And kick -- I'll tell you.

Step, turn, hold. Again.

Kick, change, step, turn. Last time.

[ Laughs ] That's great.

Applause, applause, applause.

Mm-hmm.

I'll do my costume change while you sing your solo.

We'll become a big hit. We'll get a Broadway show,

and then --

and then you'll forget your friends.

Isaac Washington!

Isaac!

Hey!

[ Laughs ]

All right! Carl, Tara.

What the hell you doing around here.

Oh, I'm on my way back.

I got this terrible urge to tap-dance on Hitler's face.

Yeah, I tried to enlist, uh...

But they wouldn't take me because of my asthma.

I keep telling him that what we're doing

for the u.S.O. Is just as important.

Yeah.

You know, combat isn't any fun.

I met a lot of guys that really want to hurt me.

Oh, yeah?

What side were they on?

[ Laughter ]

All right. You're all right.

But I suppose the toughest thing about going off to war

is leaving your friends, family, and sweethearts at home, huh?

You know, Napoleon's men were less demoralized

by their defeats than they were

the separation from things familiar.

Fascinating, huh?

Are you gonna eat your spam?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Gasps ] Janet!

What are you doing here?

Don't you know this is against regulations?

You'll get us both in a heap of trouble.

I don't care.

I just had to see you, Chuck.

Man: Hey, darling!

How about some more coffee over here, huh?

I'll see you later.

-Way to go, chipper. -[ Whistles ]

-Aw, just eat your spam. -[ Laughs ]

I mean it, Tara.

You and Carl have the chemistry that just won't quit.

Well, we've been together a long time,

ever since we played snowflakes in Mrs. Potter's tap recital.

Oh, so why haven't you two gotten married?

I mean, doesn't Fred Astaire

always fall for ginger Rogers in the movies?

Well, I'm afraid my Fred sees his ginger

as just a good buddy.

One, two, three, four, one, two...Three, four!

Hi, captain.

I have made the enlisted men very happy,

and now I am ready to Polish the brass.

[ Chuckles ]

Ms. Valdez, I hope you're finding

your accommodations pleasant.

Ooh, the cabin is wonderful.

But I just don't understand why you have

this beautiful ocean view

and those tiny-weeny

[ speaking Spanish ] Windows.

Well, don't get too comfortable.

We could be under enemy attack at any moment.

Well, I hope we don't run into a wolf pack of u-boats

because all you have is one little anti-aircraft gun.

My...

For a singer and a woman,

you seem to know a great deal about combat artillery.

Captain, you forget -- I just played a co-pilot

in my latest film, "30 seconds over rio."

Doc: Don't you remember that great scene, captain?

Lupe's plane is going down in flames,

the pilot is dead, and she sings

"my boy, the flyboy."

Oh, what a moment.

What a moment.

Where's she from?

Brazil.

Are they on our side?

Uh, more coffee, miss?

I can't believe you're here.

It's been like hell without you.

Golly, she was only gone a minute.

[ Sighs ]

We've got to find some place to be alone.

Well, I'll see you tonight at the dance.

We'll figure something out.

♪ ♪

A spy.

I knew it.

♪ ♪

I bet you had to eat a lot of popsicles to get all these.

Yeah, my tongue was purple for months.

[ Laughs ]

Look, Carl, my guess is that the change in atmosphere

here at sea caused your asthma to flare up.

This ought to keep it under control.

Thanks, doctor.

You're welcome.

I guess I thought ignoring it would make it go away.

No, that only works when you're pregnant.

[ Both laugh ]

Good-bye, doc.

Bye-bye, Carl.

[ Door closes, opens ]

What now, Carl? Did you forget your lollipop?

Tonight in the lounge,ited or, if you prefer,

the film "the g.I.'S hidden enemy -- foot fungus."

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Look for yourself on the cover of Liberty magazine.

Hey, if you didn't want your picture taken,

just tell me before I take it.

Chip, a-are you sore at me for sneaking onboard?

It's just when I see you, I go crazy.

I want to hold you and feel you.

Oh, I wish you could take me away from here.

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheering ]

♪ ♪

♪ what good is melody ♪

♪ what good is music ♪

♪ if it ain't possessing something sweet? ♪

♪ It ain't the melody ♪

♪ it ain't the music ♪

♪ there's something else ♪

♪ that makes the tune comple-e-e-ete ♪

♪ ♪

All: ♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't got that swing ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ all you go to do is swing ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ it makes no difference if it's sweet or hot ♪

♪ just give that rhythm everything you've got ♪

♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't got that swing ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

-♪ Come on, doo-wop ♪ -♪ repeat the melody ♪

-♪ come on, doo-wop ♪ -♪ repeat the music ♪

All: ♪ there's something else that makes this tune complete ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't got that swing ♪

Whoo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Doo-wop ♪

♪ doo-wop ♪

♪ it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ if it ain't ♪

♪ got that swi-i-i-i-i-ng ♪

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

Man: Attention!

Break it up!

We're all on the same side, remember?

Now, what is this senseless scuffle all about?

I say that Rita Hayworth has better legs

than Betty grable, sir.

Well, you're wrong. Carry on.

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

-You wanted to see me, sir? -Yes.

I need to talk to someone I can trust.

I think there is more to this Ms. Valdez

than meets the eye.

I have good reason to believe that she is an enemy spy.

[ Chuckling ] A spy, sir?

[ Laughs ]

I see.

Well, why don't you have her arrested, sir?

Because a snake like that never works alone.

I want to uncover the entire slithering, slimy nest.

Sir...

Please, I just ate.

Remember, not a word to anyone.

Loose lips sink ships.

[ Mumbling ]

Oh, I don't ever want to let you go.

Well, everybody's at the dance. My cabin is empty.

Oh.

Janet.

I warned you about this earlier.

It is against u.S.O. Policy for our girls

to become involved with g.I.S.

Well, you might as well know the truth, Ms. McCoy.

This isn't just some soldier boy

I picked up on the dance floor.

Chip is my husband.

That's impossible.

Happens all the time.

A guy marries a girl and becomes her husband.

Well, I'm sorry, b-but there are rules.

A soldier can't take his wife on a troop ship.

What are they gonna do, throw us overboard?

Please, Ms. McCoy.

Chip and I were married the day he left for basic training.

We thought we'd have some time together

before he shipped out,

but his orders got pushed up.

[Sighs] What she's trying to say is we, uh --

we had the cake and the rice, but we never made it to the hotel.

Oh.

Don't you think uncle Sam owes us a honeymoon night?

Do you ever think about getting back into show business?

Well, the army has such great things to offer,

good pay, nice clothes,

a free trip to Berlin.

Isaac...

You know I want to be part of the fight for freedom.

Carl, if I could switch places with you, I would.

So do it.

What are you talking about?

When this ship docks in england,

you get off as Carl tysdell, song and dance man.

I'll get off as Isaac Washington, war hero.

Carl, you're crazy.

Now, sooner or later, somebody would find out.

Isaac...

You've had your chance to do your duty.

Give me my chance to do mine.

Lupe: ...The course of the ship

from the charts in the captain's office.

Man: [ German accent ] Excellent, liebchen.

Your efforts on behalf of of the gestapo

will be handsomely rewarded.

It was a piece of cake -- so easy.

I copied down the course of the ship

from the charts in the captain's office.

[ German accent ] Excellent, liebchen.

Your efforts on behalf of the gestapo

will be handsomely rewarded.

I hope so, Klaus.

I hope so because I am risking one heck of a movie career.

Once I radio this ship's position to the u-boats,

we will make our escape.

And then, we will sink this ship.

Sehr gut.

That's what you think!

[ Door slams ]

Dr. Bricker.

Well, hi, captain.

What's going on here.

Well, uh, lupe and I were just remembering

my favorite scene from "u-boats to rio."

"U-boats to rio"!

I must have seen that film 20 times.

Oh.

I'm afraid I missed that one.

That is too bad. It was such a good movie.

I stole the show as a Navy nurse forced

to work for the Nazis.

I had to roll bandages

for goering the pig! Eugh.

I see.

Well, I'll be on my way.

Oh, I, uh, I-I borrowed this, um, from your office.

Uh...

Just testing the hull for any sounds of stress.

Carry on.

[ Sighs ]

Well, Klaus, that was a close one.

[ German accent ] We must be more careful, liebchen.

All right, we have our orders.

This ship must never reach england.

Ja, wohl!

Sehr gut.

♪ ♪

If you're nervous, count your toes.

I'll do the masterminding around here.

Wow, spies everywhere --

you never knew who your friends were.

What a hero.

I'd let John Wayne lead my mother into battle.

John Wayne? Wait, what, hold it.

Wait a minute, what happened to Jeff Chandler?

That was over with 20 minutes ago.

This is "sands of iwo jima." Where've you been?

Oh.

I was thinking about the Princess as a troop ship,

you know, with the g.I.S and the u.S.O. Girls

and the khaki and the k-rations

and the submarines and the periscopes --

shh!

Shh!

War bonds.

Men: [ Chanting ] Left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Uh, excuse me. Just a few more questions.

Uh, is it true that, in the army,

they teach you how to kill with your bare hands?

Why, do you want to die?

Okay, that's about all the questions I have.

Thanks.

Tara, I have an idea.

How about letting Isaac dance?

The three of us?

Fantastic. It's just like the old days.

I'm not talking about a trio.

I want Isaac to take my place tonight.

Your --

you see, your partner has

this crazy itch to see Europe by tank.

He wants us to switch places.

Now, personally, I think he's nuts.

But who am I to stop him?

Oh.

Brilliant.

And just how do you two geniuses plan

to pull off a stunt like this?

Well, I got some friends that can dummy up the paperwork.

Thanks to Isaac, I'm going to see combat.

Yeah.

It's a dream come true.

Klaus: Graue wolf.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, eine moment.

[ Normal voice ] Uh, one moment.

Oh, doctor, good. Can I have a word with you?

Got a little problem.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Well, don't be shy, Mr. Smith.

I'm a Navy doctor. I've seen it all.

Oh, it's not about me.

It's about the captain.

Frankly, I think he's losing his mind.

What's the matter?

Is he suffering from a lack of battle fatigue?

Well, let me put it this way --

this morning, he woke up and told me

he thinks you are a Nazi spy.

Me?

You.

"Vut" does he "tink" -- I'm going to blow up his "boot"?

[ Both laugh ]

Hey, doc, that's g-- that's really good.

You're a regular stitch.

Oh, don't worry about the captain.

I'll keep my eye on him.

Oh, thanks, doc. You're swell.

Oh, you ought to think about doing that accent for the men.

It's a killer.

[ Laughs ]

[ Door closes ]

[ German accent ] These Americans are so easy.

♪ Chica-chica-boom, chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom, chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom, chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica ♪

Hey, wait a minute.

It used to be a banana right here.

Where is it?

Uh...

Yeah, well, you see, it was such a long wait

at the train station, and I skipped lunch.

And your hat just looked so good.

Let me put it this way --

find another banana or find another job.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes, Ms. Valdez. Oh, the door.

-Hello. Hi, lupe. -Hi.

Buenos dias.

?¿coómo estaás, love birds? -Hi.

Lupe, I want to thank you for letting chip

and Janet use your room.

No problema.

Love is my hobby.

Now, I have a meeting with my band leader.

Remember, no hurry. Take your time.

[ Laughter ] -Oh.

Oh, Judy, thanks for changing your mind.

Yes, thank you.

Well, I guess I'm just sentimental.

[ Chuckles ]

Anyway, I know how precious this time together is.

And if the u.S.O. Doesn't understand,

to heck with them.

[ Laughter ]

Bye-bye. -Bye, Judy.

-[ Sighs ] -Oh.

Finally.

How long I have dreamed

of being alone with you, Mrs. Reynolds.

Afraid you'll have to leave.

This cabin is under official military surveillance.

Why?!

There is a war going on, soldier.

[ Sighs ]

You should be thinking about that instead of hanky-panky.

And you, Mrs. Reynolds. -Yeah.

[ Clicks tongue ] A married woman.

-Yes, sir, we're going, sir. -Bye, sir.

[ Door closes ]

Tara.

Listen, I just sewed some extra fringe on your costume.

You're gonna love it.

Oh, hey, I'll rip it off. It's just basted on.

Vicki, why are men such heels?

They learn it from high-school football coaches.

Why?

Carl's figured out a way to fight in the war.

That big lug.

He isn't gonna be happy until he gets himself hurt.

Oh, here.

Here, take it.

I've got to clean it anyway.

[ Sniffles ]

Tara.

I'm not very experienced in these things.

I-I mean, I've hardly dated.

[ Sighs, sniffles ]

But in summer stock, there was this real cute stagehand,

and we used to sit backstage during "flea in her ear,"

and mouth the dialogue --

Vicki, what are you talking about?

Well, maybe if you tell Carl how you really feel,

he'll change his mind.

No, I know Carl.

If I was to tell him how much I loved him,

I know it would only scare him away.

Tara, it seems to me that if you keep it a secret,

you're gonna lose him anyway.

Oh, Judy, are you sure this is gonna work?

I'm positive.

I've arranged for a water volleyball game

between chip's company and company "b."

While they're playing, you can use the room.

Oh, great! Oh, thanks.

You've just made this war a memorable experience.

[ Both laugh ]

Here I go.

Chip, what happened to your arm?

[ Chuckling ] Oh, nothing.

Oh.

I faked an injury to get out of the volleyball game.

Oh, so, do you think we'll be safe here.

Well, the teams are very well matched.

I think the game might last for hours.

-Look, I said I was sorry. -I tell you.

-Whoo. -[ Wolf whistles ]

-Hey. -Whoo, Whoo!

Well, Reynolds, looks like that arm mended fast.

What happened to the volleyball game?

Oh, well, uh, "scoop" here spiked the first serve overboard

and it was the only ball we had.

Yeah, I-I was trying to give it some top spin.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Look, guys, do me a favor

and just let us use the room for a little while, okay?

What for?

Stefanawitz, now I know

why you're always feeding your face --

because your head is empty.

Ohh.

Okay, we'll give you five minutes.

Come on, guys, we'll wait outside.

You know, this could make a great human-interest story.

-Scoop. -Uh...

Chip, no. I-I-I can't do this,

not with a time limit

and five little ears pressed against the door.

Yeah, me, neither. Um...

Let's go find somewhere else.

Okay.

Ohh!

-Excuse me. -Excuse me.

♪ ♪

Hi, handsome.

Oh, hi, Ms. Valdez.

Oh, gosh, I can't allow you in here.

No unauthorized personnel on the bridge -- sorry.

[ Sighs ] I just want a little peek.

My goodness.

You must be so smart to know

what all of these little dials are for.

What does that one do?

That one?

Well, that's an oil-pressure Gauge, Ms. Valdez,

and what that does is measure the pressure of...Oil.

Caramba, caramba.

I wish I had this kind of mind.

Oh, heck, I let the ship drift off course.

That's what I get for allowing you

to sweet-talk you way in here, Ms. Valdez.

This is a job that requires concentration.

I'm sorry.

You're very kind to let me stay this long.

Well, uh, I have to go now

and loosen up my hips for tonight's performance.

-Ms. Valdez. -Ooh!

Oh, captain, i-I'm just leaving.

So, here is where you have been hiding, huh?

-Mm. -[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

I'll see you at the show tonight.

Yes, I'll be watching you like a hawk.

Good.

I hope your heart can take it.

[ Both laugh ]

You fool!

How could you let that mata hari

into the nerve center of our ship?

With all due respect, sir, I think she's harmless.

Ohh.

Yeah.

I see she left behind a harmless little toy.

This magnet could have thrown us off course,

and it would have been your fault,

petty officer Smith.

We would like to remind whoever has been selling rides

on the anti-aircraft gun

that this weapon is for battle use only.

There we are. All set.

It's a little small, but it's all yours.

-Thanks, Judy. -Oh.

-You're a peach. -[ Laughs ]

Thanks, Judy. -Bye.

Well, it's not exactly the ritz.

No, but at least the maid won't bother us.

We have our own cleaning supplies.

[ Both laugh ]

Uh, well, should we...

Start with the wine and toast the occasion?

No.

[ Blows ]

♪ ♪

Hey, troops.

We're gonna have some fun tonight, huh?

I'm gonna put the old camera away

and give us a chance to get to know each othe --

off the record, man to man.

What do you have to say about that, huh?

[ Laughs ]

Hey, troops.

We're gonna have some fun tonight, huh?

This magnet is the evidence I need.

We'll nab lupe right after the show.

Why not grab her now, sir?

Morale -- the men have been waiting to see this.

She may be a traitor,

but she puts on one heck of a show.

-Spoon, sir. -Thank you.

[ Normal voice ] Good evening, captain and...

Petty officer.

How are you feeling, sir?

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I'm a doctor.

How people feel is my business.

Well, I feel fine. [ Laughs ]

I've never felt better.

In fact, I guarantee that I will outlive you

by 20 years.

Good.

A positive mental outlook is half the battle.

Enjoy the show.

♪ Pa-tink-a-doo, pa-tink-a-tink-a-tink ♪

Ah.

♪ Pa-tink, a-tink, a-tank-a-tink ♪

♪ pa-tink-a-tink, a-tank, a-tink, a-tah ♪

Aah! How am I doing, Carl?

[ Laughs ]

Tara -- I told you she'd show up.

Carl, I'm not dancing with Isaac.

What are you talking about?

I've been rehearsing all afternoon.

I've been working all day.

What kind of crazy idea has gotten into your head?

My head?

You're the one who won't be happy

until you get yourself killed,

who doesn't care how I might feel about this.

I mean, damn it, Carl!

I love you.

I love you, too, baby.

You mean the world to me. You know that.

How would I know that?

Tara.

We've been together since we were kids.

I've held your hand.

I've taped your ankles.

I've eaten the pickles off your hamburgers

for 16 years.

What more do you want?

I want you to forget about the war

and stay here with me.

I can't do that.

Look...

All my life, I've busted my tail

trying to make a living at what I love.

And you know why that dream came true?

Because we live in a country

where if you put your nose to the grindstone,

you can make anything happen.

Sure, america's got her problems.

But I don't want to stand by

while some pip-squeak paperhanger

tries to take our dreams away.

"Paperhanger"?

Hitler.

Oh, I thought it was some new dictator.

It may sound corny, but I owe this country,

and it's time to pay up.

All right, Carl.

But you owe me something, too.

One last dance.

You got it.

Hey, Washington.

Hm?

Give me back my pants.

Gosh, this is gonna be some swell show.

♪ ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Trills ] Oh!

♪ I, yi, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I like you very much ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I think you're grand ♪

♪ whoa, whoa, whoa, you see that when I feel your touch ♪

♪ my heart starts to beat, to beat the band ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I'd like you to hold me tight ♪

♪ you are too, too, too, too, too divine ♪

♪ if you want to be in someone's arms tonight ♪

♪ just be sure the arms you're in are mine ♪

♪ and I like your lips ♪ -sií, sií!

-♪ And like your eyes ♪ -sií, sií!

♪ Would you like my hips ♪

♪ to hypnotize you? ♪

♪ Chica-chica-boom, chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom, chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom, chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ chica-chica-boom, chica-chica-chica-boom-boom ♪

♪ ♪

♪ See, see, see, see, see, see, ♪

♪ see the moon above ♪

♪ way, way, way, way, way, way up in the blue ♪

♪ ♪

Holy jumping catfish, she gave us the slip.

Let's go!

Okay, cookie. Here is your big, big chance.

Go out there and give them all you got.

-Me? -Mm-hmm.

Gosh.

One minute, a dresser.

The next, a star.

Whatever works for you, kiddo.

Iadioós!

Adioós.

If you want a scoop, follow me.

I'll give you a story that'll put hair on ike's head.

[ Cheering ]

♪ ♪

[ Cheering ]

Mermaids: ♪ see, see, see, see, see, see ♪

♪ see the moon above ♪

Janet: [ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ]

You know, I think I'd like to try this again sometime.

Gee, I wonder if it'll be the same

without the scent of babble cleanser here.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, mm.

Cold?

Yeah, a little.

[ Screaming ]

Geez, it's Dr. Bricker!

[ Muffled grunting ]

Aha!

I got you!

I knew you'd leave me here,

you double-crossing [ Speaking Spanish ]

[ German accent ] I assume that is not a compliment.

Unfortunately, liebchen,

the gestapo has no further use for you.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[ Gunshot ]

Aah!

Holy cow! Nice shot, captain.

Thanks, but I was aiming at one of them.

No one is going anywhere.

You're both under arrest.

Wait, captain.

No way, señorita.

I should have thrown you in the brig long ago,

but I wanted to find out how deep this treachery ran.

You're a fool.

Merrill: Yes, foolish enough not to see you

for who you really are.

Doctor, how can you live with yourself?

I don't.

I have a roommate in stuttgart.

Captain, what's going on?

Well, we caught ourselves a couple of Nazis trying

to jump ship.

What in Sam hill?

If I knew I was here already, I wouldn't have hurried.

Holy smoke.

[ Camera shutter snaps ]

[ Gasps ]

As they said in "gouchos from rio,"

"reach for the sky, amigos."

He's not your doctor.

He is Klaus Von bonheim,

Nazi agent and a master of disguise.

You should see my Cary Grant.

You'll never get away with this.

Your threats are meaningless.

At this very moment, a Nazi u-boat stands by

waiting to blow this ship sky-high.

Ha! That's what you think.

After you radioed our ship position,

I change our course away from the waiting u-boat.

But why?

Because I'm not working for you, smarty pants.

I'm working for them.

All: Us?

Oh, yes.

My name is really juanita Cortez from Topeka, Kansas.

I am a double-agent.

Holy moley.

Uh, would anyone mind if I take some notes?

I fixed this [speaks Spanish]

With the simple help of a little magnet.

Magnet? Uh-oh.

Captain, look -- a periscope off the portside.

What?

But that is impossible.

It looks like somebody uncrossed

your double cross.

♪ When I fall, I think I fall for you ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ sií, sií, sií, sií ♪

♪ I, yi, yi, yi ♪

♪ I can see, see, see, see that you're for me-e-e-e-e ♪

Whoo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Now that I'm a star,

I would like to thank my mother and my father --

hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

This radio message just came in.

The war is over. We're going home!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Wow.

I guess the Germans heard you were coming over

and they threw in the towel.

Well, I may not be seeing action,

but I will be bringing home a war bride.

Congratulations!

No, it can't be over. What about my career?

As you see, my u-boat has arrived.

When we left port, I asked for a depth charge --

just one,

just in case.

But, no-o-o-o-o-o!

They fired, captain.

There's a torpedo headed straight for us.

Battle stations! Sound the alarm!

Prepare to abandon ship!

Auf wiedersehen!

Captain! [ All cheering ]

Captain, the war is over! The war is over!

Not for us, soldier.

There's a torpedo about to hit the ship broadside.

Holy Toledo.

No, "torpedo."

♪ O beautiful for spacious skies ♪

♪ for Amber waves of grain ♪ -♪ for Amber waves of grain ♪

All: ♪ for purple mountains majesties ♪

♪ above the fruited plain ♪

♪ america ♪

♪ america ♪

[ Clunk ]

What was that?

"Clunk"?

A dud.

The torpedo was a dud!

[ All cheering ]

The u-boat is turning around!

Thank god! We're saved!

[ All cheering wildly ]

♪ ♪

[ TV clicks ]

[ Sighs ]

Ah. Those were the days.

The days of the 10-cent matinee,

Saturday night dance, and rumble seats.

Well, let's not forget

it was also the time of ration stamps,

air raid drills, and pants that wrinkled.

Yeah.

I only hope the day doesn't come

when we have to draft passengers for the Princess.

Right, gopher?

Gopher.

Huh, what?

Movie over?

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Sorry to bother you, captain, but we're ready to sail.

Why, thank you, Mr. Reynolds.

Chip...what are you doing here?

Where's your wife, Janet?

I-I'm not married, sir. And my name is not chip.

Right. I knew that.

Just had you confused with another war, soldier.

Uh, sailor.

Is he all right?

No. But he's harmless.