Original subtitles

Hey, Ha Ha.

Oh, Cliff...

Tulips.

Denise's Favorite Flowers.

My Daughter's Coming Home To Spend A Little Time With Us.

Bought Her Some Flowers.

My College Daughter.

Heh Heh Heh.

That's Very Sweet Of You.

And Guess What Else?

Check It Out.

Up In The Attic, Her Old Teddy Bear, Remember?

I Found It

And Had It Professionally Cleaned And Groomed.

She Is Going To Love This

And I'm Going To Qualify For Parent Of The Year.

You'll Have To Get Past Me.

I Am Not Going To Be Outdone.

For Homecoming Dinner

Denise Is Having Spaghetti With Meatballs

With Beans And Franks On The Side.

Three Different Kinds Of Garlic Bread.

Thank You.

Pizza Appetizers

And For Dessert, Sushi And French Fries.

I See.

I Am Ready For The Mother Of The Century Award.

Yes, You Are.

May I Taste It?

No, Because This Is For Denise.

This Is For You.

No Sign Of Denise Yet?

Nope.

She's Caught In Traffic.

I Wish She Would Hurry, Because I Want To Eat

And Then Take Her To See Clark Terry.

I Thought We Should Go Skating At Rockefeller Center.

We Can Do That And Then We Can Catch The Midnight Show.

We Won't Be Home Before 2:00 In The Morning.

If You're Going To Be Parent Of The Century

You Better Learn Tohang Out, Par-Tay!

(Doorbell )

Vanessa: All Right!

Denise Is Home!

All Right.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

We're Friends Of Denise.

Oh, Yes, You Went To High School Together.

That's Right.

Come In.

Thanks.

She Said To Meet Her At 6:30.

When Denise Gets Here, We're Going To Have Dinner.

Don't Worry About Us, We've Already Eaten.

Ahhh.

Close The Door, Cliff.

Oh.

I Remember You Guys From High School.

I Was A Sophomore When You Were Seniors.

Yeah.

I Look Different, Don't I?

Not Really.

(Knocking )

Come On, Dad, Open The Door.

Who Are You?

Denise.

(Enthusiastic Family Greeting )

I Picked These In Holland For You.

They're So Beautiful.

(Screaming )

Lisa: I Can't Believe You're Here!

Ollie, Didi, Denise, Cheryl: (Jabbering Frantically )

You Guys, Hold It!

It Is Going To Take Us Forever To Catch Up

While Denise Is Home.

Collette And Gracie Will Be At The Su Chow Gardens.

I Haven't Been There For Years.

I Love That Place.

Let's Go Now.

Denise, I've Made A Big Dinner For Us To Have Here.

Spaghetti, Meatballs, Beans And Franks.

Oh, You Did.

I Didn't Know, Mom.

You'll Have To Count Me Out.

It Would Have Been So Much Fun.

I Can Save You Some Spaghetti Sauce.

Go On Out With Your Friends.

Clair: Is That Okay, Cliff?

Yeah, It's More Sauce For Me.

Well, Not For Me.

I'm Having A Big Salad Myself.

But Tomorrow Night Is Family Night.

You're Going To Spend Time With Us.

Absolutely.

Let's Pig Out.

How Did Everybody Do On Their Mid-Terms?

(Jabbering )

No, Denise Is Not Up Yet.

All Right, Rick, You're Number 18.

There You Go.

And Your Number?

Thank You Very Much, Rick.

Take Care Of Yourself.

(Phone Ringing )

What?!

This Is Denise's Answering Service, Okay?

I'm Her Father, Okay?

So Don't Wait For The Beep.

Now You Got Something To Say?

Huh?

All Right, Hit It!

Oh, Steve!

Steve, My Man Steve.

Well, Goodness Gracious.

Let's See, Steve, You Were The Fourth Person To Call.

Then You Were The Fifth Person To Call.

Then You Were The 11th Person To Call.

Then You Were The 14th Person To Call.

Now You Are Number 19.

But I Like You A Lot, Steve.

You Know Why?

Because You Are Polite.

You Say, "Yes, Sir, No, Sir"

And You Seem To Be Smiling On The Phone.

You're Calling From Florida?

All Of These Times You Called--

Were You In Florida Every Time?

Really?

What School Are You In?

Medical School?

Ohh, Podiatrist.

Ooh.

Just Stay Right There, Steve.

I'm Going Up To Wake Her Up For You, All Right?

Now If I Hurt Myself, You'll Take Care Of My Feet For Free?

Bless You, Steve.

I'm Going Now.

Oh, My Man Steve.

Say...

Denise. Denise?

♪ Denisie! ♪

♪ Denisie! ♪

I Don't Want To Get Up Now, Sam.

"Sam"?

Who Is "Sam"?

Uggh, Come On.

No, This Is Not Hillman.

It Is 3:00 In The Afternoon.

It Is?

Wake Me Up At 3:30.

No, Because There Is A Nice, Young Fellow On The Phone

Calling From Florida.

It's Not Steve, Is It?

The One And Only.

I'm Not Here.

I Told Him You Were.

Dad, Say Anything.

Just Get Rid Of Him.

No, This Is My Friend Steve.

You Don't Understand What Steve Is Like.

No Woman At Hillman Is Safe With Him.

The Guy's A Motor-Mouth.

A Motor-Mouth?

If He Goes Out With You

He Tells Everyone He Scored.

Then My Man Steve Has Moved From Number 19 To Zero.

Hi, Honey.

Get Up.

We've Been Waiting For You All Day.

You Have?

We're Going Shopping.

You're Going To Help Me Pick Out A Party Dress.

Sounds Like Fun.

Give Me A Few Minutes To Get Ready.

I Can't Go!

I Have Plans.

What Plans?

My Friends Rented A Pizza Parlor For A Welcome-Home Party.

Ooh, Outrageous.

Yeah.

Have Fun With Your Friends.

We Can Shop Together.

Sure?

It's No Problem.

I'll Be Back In Time To Help You Get Ready, Okay?

Okay, I'd Love That.

Okay.

See You Later, Sweetheart.

You, Too.

(Phone Ringing )

(Ringing )

Hello?

No, I Don't Know Where Denise Is.

No, I'm Not Going To Check For You

And I'm Not Taking Any Messages.

I Don't Know...

Wait A Minute, Larry.

No, I'm Not Here.

No, She Just...

Some Of My Children Look So Much Alike, I Thought It Was Denise.

It Really Isn't Denise.

Okay, I'll Take A Message.

I Don't Know When She'll Be Back.

She's Not Coming Back Anymore, I Just Remembered.

She May Have Gone To Get Married In Iceland.

A Fellow Came By...

Okay, Where Are You?

You're With David

At The Melrose Restaurant.

He's With David!

Wait, She Just Got Divorced.

Hi, Sometimes My Dad Is Just Such A Kidder.

I Can't Make Dinner.

I'm Spending Time With My Family.

Yeah.

How About Brunch Tomorrow?

Okay, Tell David I Said Hi.

Tomorrow At 11:00.

Okay, Bye-Bye.

You're Giving Up An Evening With David

To Spend An Evening With Daddy?

I Told My Friends I Haven't Spent Any Time With My Family.

Yes, Good.

So They're All Going To Come Over Here Tonight.

Well, That's All Right With Me.

We're Going To Watch Videos.

You And Mom Can Join Us.

I'll Take Anything.

Yeah?

Yes.

What If One Is A Cowboy Movie?

Could It Be Six Guns To Glory Starring Colt Kirby?

Definitely.

Ooh-Wee.

You Make A List Of Videos You Want

And I'll Go Get Them.

Okay, I'll Do It Right Now.

Six Guns To Glory-- Colt Kirby.

It's Nice To Have You Home.

Ooh-Hoo!

Colt Kirby Said, "Throw Down That Box.

I Said Throw Down..."

Hello, Daddy.

What's The Matter?

You're Not Wearing That.

Why Not?

It's Not A Whole Dress.

This Is The Way I Bought It.

You Did Not Buy It That Way.

You Took That Dress Upstairs And Did Some Tailoring To It.

Dad, I Didn't. You Can Ask Mom.

Your Mother Wouldn't Let You Try On A Dress Like That

Let Alone Buy One.

I'm Telling You, Ask Her.

I'm Going To Catch You Now, Sportie.

Clair!

Yes?

Come On Down, Dear.

Okay!

You Won't Let Me Wear This?

I Won't Say A Thing.

When Your Mother Sees It, That's It.

Yes, Love?

There It Is, Right There.

She's Beautiful, Isn't She?

Denise Helped With Her Hair.

I'm Not Talking About Her Hair.

I'm Talking About The Dress, Dear.

Yeah, Isn't It Fabulous?

Soon As We Saw It

I Knew It Was Perfect.

Dear, The Dress Doesn't Have Any Straps.

So?

Some People Have Lost Their Mind.

See, There's Nothing Around Here.

This Child Will Start One Of These Dances

And This Dress Is Not Going To Hold Her.

Dad!

I'm Very, Very Serious.

You Start Bobbing Up And Down

And I Don't Think This Dress Will Contain Her Abilities.

Cliff, Please.

I'm Serious.

The Dress Was Designed For Dancing.

I'll Be Fine.

Prove It.

How?

Jump Up And Down.

I'm Serious.

Cliff, Stop It Now.

I'm Serious-- Jump Up And Down.

Come On.

Cliff.

Jump Up And Down.

Jump Up And Down, Vanessa.

Okay, How High?

This High.

Like This.

I'll Be Satisfied.

Come On.

No, No, You Know How You All Dance.

You All Like They Do On Tv.

Come On.

Now Wait One Second.

Bend Over And Touch Your Toes.

Now That Is Enough.

Vanessa, Get Your Shawl.

Thank You, Mom.

Do Me One Favor?

You Stay Until She's Had Three Of Those Thing Dances.

I Will.

If Anything Falls Out

You Put It Back In And Bring Her Right Home.

I Will.

Hi, Everybody.

Hi, Theo.

This Is Gwen.

Hi.

All: Hi.

I Told Her To Come Meet My Sis.

Is My Little Brother Behaving?

Of Course, Theo's A Gentleman.

I've Got To Go.

Theo, I'll See You Tomorrow Night.

You Got It.

See You Later, Gwen.

Did You Give Gwen Your Cold?

No, I Didn't, Denise.

You Must Have Some Wicked Moves

To Have A Good-Looking Girl Drive You Around.

Who Buys The Gas?

With A Girl Like Gwen, You Don't Run Out Of Gas.

Denise, Can I See You In The Kitchen For A Second?

Sure.

Now.

I'm Coming.

What's The Matter?

Denise, I'm Hurt.

What?

What You Said Was Insulting And Demeaning.

What Are You Talking About?

I Was Just Joking.

I Don't Like It.

What Do You Expect?

You Walk In With This Love Goddess.

"Love Goddess"?

Come On, She's Gorgeous.

I'm Not Going Out With Gwen Because Of Her Looks.

Oh, You're Not?

I'm Attracted To Her Inner Beauty.

She Happens To Be An Outstanding Person And Very Intelligent.

She's Going To Major In Physics At Duke.

I'm Sorry If I Hurt Your Feelings.

I Was Talking Like You Were The Old Theo I Used To Know.

I've Changed Since You've Been Gone.

I Guess You Have.

Isn't There An Ounce Of You

That's Slightly Physically Attracted To Her?

A Little Bit.

But I Try Not To Let That Mess With My Mind.

I Hope I Can Meet Someone With That Attitude.

I Wish You Luck.

There's Not That Many Of Us Around.

I Know.

All Right, You, Throw Down That Box.

Ha Ha! Did You Hear That?

I Said Throw Down That Box.

Just Let Me Stop It One Second.

"Throw Down That Box," See.

This Was The First Western That They Ever Said That Line

"Throw Down That Box."

"Throw Down The Box" Was Mean Stuff.

Dad, Why Don't We Save The Best For Last?

What Do You Want To Watch?

Let's Watch Brains On The Table.

I Don't Understand Brains On The Table.

Davey Herbeck Is A Scream.

This Is The Funniest Concert Film I've Ever Seen.

He's Very Hip.

Davey Herbeck, Uh-Huh.

Mom, We're Going To Watch The First Video!

What's On?

Brains On The Table.

What's That?

That's Davey Herbeck, Dear.

Ladies And Gentlemen, Live From The Laugh Cellar

With His Brains On The Table

It's The Mechanical Maniac Himself

Dangerous Davey Herbeck!

Thank You.

Thank You, Androids.

I'm Losing My Mind!

Dad, We Were Watching That.

He Is Going Back To The Store.

But, Dad...

I'm Losing My Mind!

That's Why I'm Taking Him Back To The Video Store.

Don't You Have Something Better To Do?

We're Waiting For Denise.

Yeah, We've Hardly Seen Her All Weekend.

No One Has Really.

And She'd Better Be Here Shortly

Because Her Ride Is Coming In Another Five Minutes.

Hi, Everybody!

I'm Late. I Still Have To Pack!

Bye!

Did Denise Just Come Through Here?

I Don't Know.

The Door Opened And Closed

And Something Was Mumbling With Hair Flying This Way.

That's A Shame.

We Didn't Have A Chance To Sit And Talk With Her Or Anything.

What's With Denise?

She Almost Knocked Me Down.

Her Ride Is Coming.

She's In A Hurry.

She Was Hardly At Home.

Since She Didn't Have Enough Time To Visit With Us

We Should Not Have Enough Time To Say Good-Bye To Her.

Yeah.

Good Idea, Dad.

Let's Get Busy, Everybody.

When Denise Comes Down, No Matter What She Does

Don't Anybody Pay Her Any Attention.

I'm Going To Meet Jamie Outside To Save Some Time.

Anyone Want To Wait Outside With Me?

Hello, I'm Leaving.

Bye.

Is That All You Have To Say?

Come On, Rudy, Give Me A Hug.

Too Busy.

Vanessa?

Not Now, I Have A Good Hand.

Theo, Come On.

Hey, Denise, I'll Catch You Next Time Around.

Mom, What Is Going On Here?

Honey, Please, I'm Trying To Balance The Checkbook.

But I'm Going Away To College.

So Have A Nice Trip.

Where's Dad?

In The Kitchen.

Dad, Denise Is Leaving!

See You Later, Homie!

Mom, I'm Your Daughter, Remember?

Come On, You Guys.

I Grew Up In This House With You.

I Go Away To College

Months At A Time.

How Can You Treat Me Like This?

Please, Keep It Down.

I Know What's Going On Here.

You Guys Are Playing A Trick On Me.

Yeah?

Please, It's Got To Be A Trick.

Denise: Okay.

Bye, Family.

Come On, Please? Someone Say Good-Bye.

I Just Want To Say One Thing.

It's Not My Fault I Have Friends.

When I Come Home, They Expect To See Me.

They Miss Me, Too.

Someone Say Something.

Hey, Denise, When Did You Get Home?

Ha Ha Ha.

All: Good-Bye, Denise.

Did You Think You Were Losing Your Mind?!