Original subtitles

Aww, Shucks.

Whooo-Hoo-Hoo!

Oh, My Goodness.

Dad, I'm Telling You, This Is Going To Be

The Best Cliff's Ding-Dong, Eight-Alarm Chili

Ever Tasted On The Face Of This Earth.

Why Does It Take You Three Days To Make That Chili?

If You Tasted This The First Day, You'd Say,

"What Can Did This Come Out Of?"

If You Tasted It On The Second Day, You'd Say,

"Oh, My Goodness, Somebody's Grandmother Got Off Her Chair

And Just Took This To The Mountain."

But The Third Day...

Wow, Ha, Ha, Ha.

The Third Day, You Don't Even Have To Taste It.

You Just Walk By The Pot And Someone Says;

"Hey, Come Here."

Sounds Delicious.

It Is, It Is.

Yeah.

All I Have To Do Is Add The Rest Of These Herbs And Spices.

Hey, Hey, Hey, Now This Truly Is Unbelievable.

What's That?

Guess Who's Playing

At The Gaslight Club In The Village?

Slim Claxton And His Trio.

You Mean That Man Who Played The Xylophone, Wrote The Song

"Baby, Don't Step On My Face 'Cause Your Shoes Got Nails"?

That's Right.

Yeah, Yeah.

He Also Did

"Don't Bring Home A Chicken When You Promised Me A Steak."

♪ Don't Bring Home A Chicken ♪

♪ If You Promised Me A Steak ♪

Yeah, That's Right.

I Met Slim 52 Years Ago In New Orleans.

You're Kidding.

I Try To See Him Whenever He's In Town.

I Still Owe Him Money.

Whenever I Try To Pay Him Back, He Refuses.

I'm Going To Get Him This Time.

I'll Call The Gaslight Club And See If Slim Is Down There Today.

♪ Don't Bring Home A Chicken If You Promised Me A Steak ♪

♪ Don't Bring Home A Chicken If You Promised Me A Steak ♪

( Whistle Blowing )

Hi, Vanessa.

Hi, Kenny.

What Are You Doing?

Practicing To Be A Drum Major. There's A Trial At School Tomorrow.

You Can't Be A Drum Major.

Why Not?

Drum Majors Are Boys.

Who Says?

I've Never Seen A Girl Drum Major.

You're Fibbing.

No, He Isn't.

Most Drum Majors Are Boys.

Ha, Ha, I Was Right.

Burned You Bad.

However, Some Girls Got Together At School

And We Decided To Try Out.

Since There Has Never Been A Girl Drum Major At Our School

We Have To Be Great To Get Chosen.

You Girls Shouldn't Be Doing This.

Why Not?

My Brother Says

A Man Doesn't Want To See A Woman Doing A Man's Job

Unless She's Wearing A Bathing Suit.

I'll Go Out For Drum Major And Get It.

That Band Will Be E E E Ing My Sister Down The Field, Bud.

Thank You, Rudy.

Would You Help Me Practice?

Sure.

I'd Ask You To Help, But A Man Can't Do This.

Hold My Cassette Recorder

And Make Sure No Matter Where I'm Marching

You've Got It Pointed At Me.

( Marching Music )

Let's Hear It For The Band.

Ah, Hon, Pardon Me, One Second.

I Just...

I Don't Mean To Take Anything Away From You

But We Had A Fellow Named Peter Poindexter.

He Was Six-Foot-Four.

And Peter Poindexter Used To Come Out And:

♪ Da Da Di Di Di Da Boom ♪

♪ Di Di Di Boom Di Doom Doom ♪

♪ Di Di Di Doom Doom ♪

Peter Also Had That Double Step Back To The Side.

♪ Di Di Di Di Boom ♪

♪ Di Di Di Bom Pa ♪

♪ Wooja Da Da ♪

I'm Telling You, He Was Mean.

I'm Sorry, Son.

Peter Poindexter Was Good

But He Was A Sad Imitation Of The Greatest Drum Major

Ever To Strut Across A Football Field.

I'm Talking About Tall Walter Lomax--

A Six-Foot, Eight-Inch...

Six-Foot, Eight-Inch?

...Who At Homecoming Game Of 1934

Gave Birth To The World Famous Triple Dip.

♪ Alafasa Sa-Sa-Sa ♪

♪ Alafasa Sa-Sa-Sa ♪

♪ Alafasa Sa-Sa-Sa ♪

But Peter Poindexter--

I Forgot, My Mind Fails Me Sometimes--

Was Actually 6'10".

What He Did

One Day At Half Time Was

He Came Out...

♪ Di Di Di Boom Boom ♪

♪ Zhoo! ♪

...Threw Both Batons Up Into The Air

Sang The Star-Spangled Banner

Caught The Baton In The Right Hand

On "The Home Of The Brave"

And The Other Hand On "The Land Of The Free"

Because He Sang It Backwards.

I'm Afraid That Is Amateur Hour Compared With Tall Walter.

At Half Time Of A Game

Tall Walker, Who, As I Recall, Was At Least Seven-Foot-One...

...Led The Band Out Onto The Field

With Long Strides That Took Up Ten Yards At A Clip.

Ten Yards To A Stride?

That's Right.

When He Hit Midfield

He Cut A Charleston Step

And Threw His Baton Way Up In The Air.

Just When Everybody Was Waiting For The Baton To Come Down

Walter Led The Band Off The Field.

He Let The Baton Fall On The Ground?

No.

A Week Later,

Tall Walter Led The Band Out Onto The Same Field

And The Baton That He Threw Up In The Air Seven Days Ago

Came Right Down In His Hand.

Grandpa, Is That A True Story?

If I'm Lying, May I Be Hit By A Falling Baton.

Hey, I Ain't Bad!

Who Would Pay $12.50 To Hear That?

Who's Out There Heckling Me?

Do You Remember A Rainy Night In 1936 At The Club L'amour?

Oh, My Goodness, If It Ain't Old Slide!

How You Doing, Slide?

You Look Good.

It's Been Too Long.

Slim, This Is My Son Heathcliff.

How You Doing, Heathcliff?

I've Heard A Lot About You.

Whatever You've Heard

Just Multiply It By 15, Divide It By 16

And Then Ignore It.

A Polite Person Would Invite Us To Sit.

I'll See If I Can Find A Polite Person.

Hey, Y'all, Come On, Sit Down.

Y'all Want A Cup Of Coffee?

You Still Drinking That Special Coffee Of Yours?

Don't You Know It?

Then I Think I'll Pass.

What About You, Heathcliff?

I'll Have A Little.

I'll Pour You Out A Little.

You're Really Going To Like This.

Thank You.

Whoa!

How Do You Like It?

I Can't Get To It.

You Could Get Arrested For That.

Ain't Gonna Bother Me.

Is Claude Powers Still In Your Trio?

Claude Powers?

He's Been Dead Ten Years.

No.

How About Freddy Collins?

He's Dead.

Did You Ever Hear Anything About Choo-Choo Wallace?

Yeah, He's Dead, Too.

What About Skip Logan?

Dead.

How About The Tannen Brothers?

Dead, Dead And Dead.

But There Were Four Of Them.

I Know It--He's Dead, Too.

You Know, Slim, I've Been Reading About You For Years.

You're Out There On Tour, Playing Your Music

Going Strong.

I'm Proud Of You.

That's A Fine Compliment Coming From A Man

Who Plays The Horn

Sweeter Than Gabriel.

I'm Retired Now.

If I Had Your Money

I'd Retire, Too.

No, I Never Made That Much Money.

Nobody Said You Made Money.

They Said You Never

Let Go Of It.

If I Am So Tight, Why Am I About To Hand You

A $100 Bill?

You Remember I Owe You This Money?

I Sure Do--

To Buy Anna Her Wedding Ring.

I Never Told You This, But 51 Years Ago

I Played A Club, And The Owner

Stiffed The Band For A Week's Salary.

I Had No Money To Buy Your Mother A Ring.

Slim Heard It

Came Over To The Hotel To Offer His Condolences.

When He Left

I Found A $100 Bill In My Coat Pocket.

And This Time, You Are Going To Take The Money.

Ain't No Way I'll Take That Money.

I Insist.

You Might Insist

But I'll Resist.

Why Won't You Take It?

'Cause I'd Be Cursed.

You Remember That Old Hatchet-Faced Lady In Louisiana

Who Told All Those Fortunes?

You Mean Madame Carla?

That's Right.

She Said If I Went Out And Gave People Money

I'd Have Good Fortune My Whole Life.

Ever Since I Gave That Little Money To You And Your Wife

I Ain't Had Nothing But The Best Of Luck

And I'm Knocking On Wood.

Shoot, That Ain't Wood.

It's Famildahide.

Yeah, But You Don't Seem To Understand, Slim.

When I Borrow Money

I Always Pay It Back.

You Give It To Your Son.

He Looks Like He Can Use It.

My Son's A Doctor.

You A Doctor?!

How About Lending Me $1,500 Dollars?

No, But I'll Tell You What.

You Can Join My Father And Me On Friday.

I Cooked Some Special Hot Chili.

I Got Four Shows Friday.

That's A Big Day.

How Early Should We Eat?

Let's Say 6:00, A.O.C.

All Right. Bring Your Special Coffee.

You Know It!

We'll Talk Loud And Draw A Crowd!

I Hear Ya.

Thank You.

Hey, Vanessa, How Was The Tryout?

Wait, Vanessa, Come On.

You've Got To Tell Me About This.

I Am So Mad, I Could Hit Somebody.

Oww!

What Was That For?

Because You're A Guy.

What's Wrong With You?

They Didn't Pick Me For Drum Major.

I Was Robbed Royally.

Why Are You Hitting Me?

Because Three Of The Four Judges On The Committee Were Guys.

Those Guys Picked Another Guy To Be Drum Major

Even Though He Dropped The Baton Twice.

Amy Was Looking At Me The Whole Time.

Get Out!

She Was Looking Over You At Me.

In Your Dreams.

Yo, What's Up?

What Are You Doing Here So Late?

Wrestling Practice.

You Guys Went Out For Drum Major?

Are You Serious?

We Were The Judges.

You Guys Were Judges?

They Picked Judges From The Band.

How Did The Tryouts Go?

Pretty Good.

You See Vanessa?

You Know It.

Your Sister Is Looking Good.

Amy Dressler Looking Even Better.

Did You See Those Shorts She Had On?

I'd Stay An Extra Year In School Just To Be Next To Her.

How Did My Sister Do?

Pretty Good, I Guess.

Weren't You Paying Attention?

Sure, We Were Paying Attention.

Everyone Got A Fair Shot.

We Picked The Right Guy.

Sounds To Me Like No Matter How Good The Girls Were

You Would Have Picked A Guy Anyway.

You Catch On Pretty Fast.

At Least We Let The Girls Try Out.

Those Girls Should Have Been Thanking Us.

You Know It.

Later, Theo.

Say Hi To Vanessa.

Tell Her I Enjoyed What She Did.

You Are Now Ready, My Sweet.

Ready Now

For The Hottest Chili Peppers On The Face Of This Earth.

One... Argh!

Argh!

Ahhh!

More Chili!

Owww!

( Laughing Like A Mad Scientist )

Ahhh!

Now To Stir It Up.

Daddy, Can You Help Me Get The Encyclopedia Off The Shelf?

Are You Hiding A Note From Your Teacher?

No, I'm Doing Homework.

Okay, As Soon As I Finish With The Chili.

Can I Have A Taste?

I Just Put In Six Of The Hottest Chili Peppers On This Earth

And Swirled It Around.

If They Don't Cook For Two Hours

When You Taste This, Your Face Will Go

Umph!

Fire Will Shoot Out

And You'll Go Running.

You'll Say "Aaaaah!"

Flames Will Shoot Out, And You'll Run To Peter's.

He'll Grab The Fire Extinguisher

Foam Will Be All Over, And He'll Put A Cherry On Top

And They'll Sell You In The Drugstore.

Okay, I'll Wait.

Let's Go Find That Encyclopetamin?

Encyclopedia!

You Say That So Beautifully.

Say It Again.

Encyclopedia.

Ooh!

I Told You To Stay Out Of My Chili!

Mom.

Yes?

Tell Me You're Proud Of Me.

I'm Proud Of You.

Now Let Me Tell You Why You're Proud.

I Found Out Vanessa Did Not Get Drum Major Yesterday

Because The Judges Planned To Pick A Guy All Along.

So I Went

And Told The Principal.

And Tonight

Because Of Yours Truly, Theodore Aloysius Huxtable

They're Having New Tryouts

And New Judges-- Two Guys And Two Girls.

Theo, I Am Very Proud.

Mom, This Is Unbelievable.

Mind-Boggling.

Beyond Tremendous.

Yes?

The Principal Announced New Tryouts

For Drum Major.

No.

I Know How It Happened.

How?

Word Must Have Gotten Out

About How Good I Was.

A Bunch Of Students

Forced The Principal To Give Me Another Chance.

I'm Good, But I Didn't Know I Was A Legend.

I'm Going Upstairs To Practice.

I Got To Tell You Something.

What?

Good Luck.

Thanks.

Oh, Theo?

I'm Sorry I Hit You.

It's Okay.

Theodore Huxtable, You Are Beyond Tremendous.

Mom.

Yes?

You've Been In Dad's Chili.

Do You Have Time To Stay Before You Go To The Club?

Dad-Gum Right I Have, Shoot.

Hey, Doc!

Yes, Sir?

Know What I'd Like?

What?

A Stinky, Goat Rope Cigar.

You Seem To Enjoy Yourself, Slim.

That's Because I Love Being Old.

You Don't Know

What You're Missing.

I Don't?

You Know What They Say

About Women Living Longer Than Men?

It Sure Is Right.

Let Me Tell You, I'm Reaping That Harvest.

I Go To Them Senior Citizen Dances

And Dance All Night With Them Widows.

They Consider Me A Real Stud!

Never Did Get Married, Did You?

Shoot, I'm Still Sowing My Oats.

Well, Okay.

I Have To Mosey.

I Like To Get There Early And Make Some Fresh Coffee.

I'll Get Your Coat.

Okay, Thank You.

I Got To Get My Thermos.

Quite A Guy, Your Friend Slim.

Quick, Give Me His Coat.

I'll Slip This $100 I Owe Him Into His Pocket.

Wait A Minute.

You Heard What He Said About The Curse.

Madame Carla Was The Biggest Con Artist In New Orleans.

She Told Every Man Who Came To Her

If He Gave Money To Someone In Need, It Would Bring Luck.

Then One Of Her Shills Would Go Up To That Man And Say:

"Hey, Buddy, I'm In Need."

Say No More.

I Want To Thank You For A Wonderful Evening.

It's Been Our Pleasure.

I Sure Do Appreciate It.

I Want You To Remember

Tomorrow Night At The Club

You'll Get The Best Seat In The House.

Where?

Right In Back Of That Pole.

We'll Be There.

Hi, Vanessa.

Hi, Everybody.

This Is My Daughter Vanessa.

Hi, Vanessa.

Just Call Me Slim.

Nice To Meet You.

Hi, Grandpa.

How Was The Tryout?

Terrible.

I Was Good, Dad, I Really Was.

But I Still Won't Be Drum Major.

Who Won?

A Girl Who Was Six-Foot-Three.

She Showed Up From Nowhere And Wiped Out Everybody.

You Feel Mighty Bad, Don't You, Sweetie?

I Sure Do.

I Have Something You'll Really Like

And Your Grandpa Would Like You

To Have It, Too.

Don't Go Spend It All In One Place, You Hear?

A Hundred Dollars?!

For Your Piggy Bank.

Thank You So Much!

Oh, You Old Sucker!

Oh, You Sucker, You!