Original subtitles

Rudy, Come On.

Everybody!

We Got 40 Minutes To Get Down To The Show.

We're Going To Be Late.

That's It. Here We Go.

We Can't Leave Yet.

Peter And His Brother Aren't Here Yet.

We Can Wait A Minute For Them, Okay?

Will We Like The Show?

Of Course You'll Like It.

And They Have Clowns, Comics...

Do They Have A Blues Band?

I Dig The Blues.

I Don't Think So.

(Doorbell)

There They Are.

Hah, All Right, On Time.

How Are You, Mr. Chiara?

Hi.

And My Friend.

How Are You, Peter?

And Look At Your Brother Paul.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Good To See You.

What's New?

Everything's All Right.

What's With You?

Same Old Thing.

Life Goes On.

You Know How It Is.

Yes, I Certainly Do.

I'll Bring Them Home In Time For Dinner.

Thanks.

Okay, You Guys

Line Up According To Size.

Line Up According To Size.

All Right

We're Going To See "A Salute To Vaudeville."

Everybody Understand The Rules?

Yes.

This Is My Team.

You're All Going To Be Well Behaved.

We Will Be Well Behaved.

You Will Keep Your Hands To Yourselves.

We'll Keep Our Hands To Ourselves.

No Taking Anybody's Scarf Or Hat

Rolling Down The Window, Putting Your Arm Out

And Using It As A Flag.

No Taking Anybody's Hat Or Scarf

And Rolling Down The Window And Waving A Flag.

No Putting Your Finger In Your Nose.

No Putting Your Finger In Your Nose.

And Pulling Out Something.

And Pulling Out Something.

Or Flicking It.

Or Flicking It.

And Hitting Me In The Head.

And Hitting You In The Head.

What Do You Say?

I Don't Know.

Let The Show Begin.

Let The Show Begin.

Forward!

Hup, Toop, Tipop, Tilip Top Hipop

Tilip Top Hipop...

Just A Little Toward The Light, Please.

I Am Really Happy

That You're Helping Me

With My Election Campaign.

Hi.

Hi, Robert.

What Are You Doing Here?

I Wanted To See Your Father, But He Had To Leave

So I'm Waiting.

Excuse Me.

I Don't Believe We've Met.

At Least, Not In This Lifetime.

My Name Is Morgan.

Morgan's A Pretty Name.

It Fits You.

Thanks.

You Have An Aura About You--

A Glow.

I Must Admit I'm Drawn To It.

Why Don't We Go To The Store

And Pick Up Some More Supplies For The Campaign?

Let Me Come Along.

No, You Stay Here.

Yeah, Robert, You Better Stay Here.

Think Of Some More Campaign Slogans For My Election.

Okay, I'll Think Of Slogans That Make People Aware

Of The Cosmic Essence.

Mrs. Huxtable, Fate Works In Strange Ways.

I Realize Why I Was Brought Over Here Today.

To Meet And Marry Morgan.

I Feel Our Destinies Are Undeniably Intertwined.

Robert.

Would You Mind If I Took A Nap?

You Don't Have To Entertain Me.

I Feel At Home Here-- Like I've Been Here Forever.

I Feel The Same Way, Robert.

Are You Sure This Is The Right Place?

Well, This Is The Address In The Paper.

You Promised Us A Fancy Theater

With Chandeliers And Velvet Seats.

This Place Is Nothing Like That.

Yeah, This Is A Dump.

Oh, Hi.

I'm Pamela.

You Can Sit Down Wherever You Like.

Rudy: Front Row!

Where's The Popcorn?

We Don't Have Popcorn.

What Is There?

Just Coffee.

Do You Have Coffee Ice Cream?

No, Just Coffee.

I'm Glad Someone Showed Up.

We Haven't Had This Many People In Weeks.

You Mean We're The Only Ones Who Will Be Here?

Looks That Way.

We Can Start The Show Immediately.

Okay, Just One Second.

Um...

Okay, They're Going To Start The Show Now.

Does Anyone Here Have To Go To The Bathroom?

Is There Anyone Here Who Wants A Drink Of Water?

Can I Have A Milkshake?

No, Dear, They Just Have Coffee.

I'll Have A Cup Of Coffee.

Nobody's Going To Have Any Coffee.

All Right, Now Have We Got That Straight?

Straight?

Straight.

All Right.

Thank You.

Okay.

Jeff, We're Ready.

(Drum Roll)

Good Afternoon, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Welcome To The Performance.

(Cymbals Crashing)

Good Afternoon, Ladies And Gentlemen.

We're Boys And Girls.

Well, Welcome To "A Salute To Vaudeville."

It's A Thrilling, Scintillating Afternoon Of Entertainment

Guaranteed To Keep You Glued To Your Seats.

I Have To Go To The Bathroom.

Me, Too.

Didn't I Ask If Anybody Had To Go To The Bathroom?

Yes.

I Didn't Have To Go Then.

Me, Neither.

I'm Sorry.

Oh, It's No Problem.

Where Is It?

It Is...

Okay, Come On, Let's Go.

(Drum Roll)

I'm Sorry.

There Shouldn't Be Any More Interruptions.

Thank You.

And Now, Pamela, The Lights.

Uh, Ladies And Gentlemen

And Boys And Girls

And Daddies And Mommies Who Are Home

I'd Like To Introduce Our First Performer.

He Is The Great Ballantine.

(♪ Vaudeville Fanfare ♪)

Take Your Time.

Always A Few Slow Readers.

Name Dropper.

What Do You Say We Get On With The Show?

Best Crowd We've Had In Years.

Pamela, The Garbage.

All War Surplus, Every Piece Of It.

Thank You, Dear.

No Trick, Just Keeping The Dust Off The Basket.

Here We Go.

Up!

Not Bad For The First, Huh?

Only The Beginning.

(Cliff Laughing)

Don't Laugh.

You May Have Bags In Your Pants.

This Is My Best Trick.

From An Empty Paper Bag I Produce A 68-Pound Pigeon.

That's The Small One.

Here We Go.

That's All.

At The Count Of Three, The Pigeon.

One, Two...

You Know.

Come Out Flying.

They're Waiting.

Let's Go.

Up.

Fly, Boy, Fly.

Here's The One You've All Been Waiting For.

Not That One.

The Rabbit From The Top Hat.

All Magicians Do It.

Why Shouldn't I?

A Few Passes With The Old Duster-Oo.

Inside The Hat...

Where's The Duster?

Inside The Hat...

If You're Going To Watch That Close

The Trick Is Off.

Here's The Big One.

I'll Make The Whole Audience Disappear.

I Don't Kid Around.

Way To Go, Kimosabe.

And Now, Tense Moment In The Act.

Not For You. Me.

I Pluck 10,000 Cards One At A Time

With My Fingertips.

10,000.

I've Got To See That Myself.

(♪ Vaudeville Fanfare ♪)

Wake 'Em Up.

(Crash!)

Wasn't That Funny, Huh?

It Was?

It Was Hilarious, Honey.

It Might Be Funny If We Were Old.

Can We Get Ice Cream On The Way Home?

Sure We Can.

Can We Go Home Now?

No, Give It A Chance.

The Great Ballantine.

Wasn't He Something?

Yes, He Was.

Before I Introduce This Next Act

Which I'm Sure You'll Enjoy

Does Anybody Have To Go To The Bathroom?

I Do.

But You Just Went.

That Time I Only Washed My Hands.

I'm Sorry.

Pamela, The Lights.

Does Anybody Else Have To Go?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hi.

Hi, Robert.

The Girls Went For Another Walk.

They've Taken Three Walks In The Last Hour.

Yeah.

This Is Causing Problems

In My Relationship With Morgan.

You Have A "Relationship" With Morgan?

Oh, Definitely.

That Woman Will Be My Wife.

Does She Know This, Robert?

She Has A Sense Of It.

Before They Left, I Told Her:

"We Are Like Two Stalks Of Corn

"Planted In The Field Of Spiritual Oneness

Waiting For The Harvest Of Love."

I'm Going For A Walk.

What's So Funny?

Two Stalks Of What

Waiting Where For Which?

Robert, You're One Of A Kind.

I Know.

I Guess I'm Just On A Higher Plane.

You Got That Right.

Think That's Why Some Girls Don't Like Me?

That's Not For Me To Say.

No, Please.

I'd Like Your Opinion.

What Am I Doing Wrong?

When You Meet A Girl, You Want To Marry Her

And You Know Nothing About Her.

That's Not True.

What's Morgan's Last Name?

Um...

I Don't Know.

But It Doesn't Matter

Because I Want Her To Have My Last Name.

Robert, Don't Rush Things With Morgan.

Just Let Everything Evolve Naturally.

Life Is Funny.

I Thought My Purpose In Coming Here

Was To Meet And Marry Morgan.

Now I Realize My True Reason--

To Partake Of The Wisdom Of Mrs. Clair Huxtable.

Last Name, Robert.

Get The Girl's Last Name.

All Right.

I'm Sorry.

Her Comb Went Further Down The Drain Than I Thought.

All Right.

There We Go.

Easy, Fella.

Shall We Begin The Show Again?

Yes, Sir.

Uh, Pamela.

The Lights. The Lights.

Well, Ladies And Gentlemen, Our Next Performer

Has Been Seen In All The Top Eastern Comedy Clubs.

Give A Rousing Vaudeville Welcome

To The Wall Street Comic, Andy Witherspoon Iii.

(Rim Shot)

Thank You.

Thank You.

As You Can Tell

I'm A Business School Graduate.

Are There Any Other Business School Graduates Here Today?

Uh, You, Sir?

I'm A Doctor.

Well, It Doesn't Matter.

Anyway, At My Business School, The Dorm Rules Were Very Strict.

No Corporate Raiding After Midnight.

Uh... Moving Right Along...

After Business School

I Got A Job With A Major Investment Firm.

They Started Me At The Bottom.

I Cleaned Up After The Bull Every Morning.

Which Wasn't Too Bad

Because He Only Left Blue Chips.

Uh...

Would It Help If I Said

I Knew The "Smurfs" Personally?

I Guess Not.

I Read Recently Where A University

Was Using Stockbrokers And Rats For Medical Experiments

But They Had To Stop Because People Felt Sorry For The Rats.

Kids, Kids, Kids...

My Nephew Told Me Some Jokes I'm Sure You've Never Heard.

What Did The Pen Say To The Paper?

I Dot My "Is" On You.

(Rim Shot)

Well, I Bet You Don't Know This One.

What Did The Rug Say To The Floor?

Hands Up, I Got You Covered.

Good Night.

You've Been A Wonderful Audience.

Eddie!!

That Was Andy Witherspoon Iii.

Come On Out Here, Andy, For Another Bow.

Forget It!

Ladies And Gentlemen

I Think I See What May Be Called For Here.

We Will Need Just A Few Moments While The Next Act Gets Ready.

So If Anybody Has To Go To The Bathroom

This Would Be A Good Time.

Dr. Huxtable, He's Gone.

Let's Sneak Out.

No, We Can't Sneak Out.

It Would Be Impolite.

Hope It Gets Better.

Cliff: Hi.

Hi. Are You Guys Enjoying The Show?

Uh...

Yes, Uh...

We're Having A Little Trouble Over Here

And I Was Just Wondering About The Next Act.

Who Is It?

Eddie, The M.C.

What Does He Do?

That's Hard To Describe.

He Does This Combination

Physical, Musical Comedy Dance Thing

With Contemporary, Traditional Clown Themes.

Ah, A Clown!

Yeah.

Aha!

Now Comes The Clown!

♪ Ta Da! ♪

In A Clown Suit?

He Doesn't Do That Anymore.

What About A Red Nose?

Sorry, He Sold His Nose.

What Kind Of Clown Doesn't Have A Red Nose?

It Doesn't Matter If He Doesn't Have A Red Nose.

He's Going To Be Funny.

You Say That Every Day, And Nothing's Been Funny!

Eddie: And Now, Without Further Ado, The Dancer Extraordinaire

Eddie Bartholomew And His Trunk.

(Drum Roll)

Huh?

Was It?

(Drum Roll)

All Right.

(Drum Roll)

(Vacuum Cleaner Whirring)

(♪ Swing Music ♪)

It's A Blues Band.

I'll Get It.

(♪ Swing Music ♪)

Yea!

Bravo!

Yea!

All Right, You All Know Your Cues.

We'll Show Dr. Huxtable What Vaudeville's All About.

This Will Be Good.

Oh!

Phew!

Sorry.

All Right, Gang.

Come On, That's It.

We've All Had A Wonderful Time.

Dr. Huxtable, The Show Isn't Over Yet.

In The Great Vaudevillian Tradition

We Have An Encore.

(Drum Roll)

(Drum Roll)

(Drum Cadence)

(Drum Cadence)

(Cymbal Bang)

(♪ Swing Music ♪)

In You Go.

Yeah... In.

Ready?

Okay.

Bravo!

Bravo!

What A Great,Great Ending!

And Now...

Lock 'Em In.

I'm Going For Some Ice Cream!

No-O-O!