Original subtitles

Hey!

Hey, Stop That!

What?

Haven't You Ever Heard Of A Glass?

I'm In A Hurry.

I'm Going To Mrs. Hickson's To Play "Go Fish."

You Guys Drink Out Of This Bottle All The Time.

Look At This Stuff-- Bread Crumbs Floating Around...

There's Even A Corn Flake.

What Is This?

That's Not Mine.

Vanessa Had The Corn Flakes This Morning.

If You Go To Mrs. Hickson's House

I Don't Want Her Calling And Saying:

"You Are Bringing Up A Barbarian.

"She's Drinking Milk Out Of The Carton

And Eating With Her Toes."

I Don't Use My Toes.

You Don't Drink Out Of The Bottle, Either.

All Right?

Okay.

You Should Yell At Vanessa.

She Borrows Your Toothbrush.

Thank You For Squealing.

Do You Have Any Fours?

No.

Go Fish.

Contessa, Would You Like More Tea?

A Spot, Duchess.

This Reminds Me Of The Afternoon I Spent

With The Duke And Duchess Of Windsor

Playing Croquet On The East Lawn Of Their Estate.

Ah, Yes... Such A Lovely Lawn.

That It Is.

Not As Lovely As The King And Queen Of Jupiter's Lawn.

But Nicer Than The Lawn Of The Emperor And Empress Of Mars.

Duchess, You Naughty Thing.

But Don't Stop.

I Love It.

Don't We All?

Do You Have Any Sevens?

It's My Turn.

I Was Just Checking To See That You Were Paying Attention.

( Phone Ringing )

Excuse Me.

Windsor Palace.

The Duchess Speaking.

Hello, Robbie.

It's My Son, Prince Robbie.

I'm Just Fine--

Having Tea With The Contessa.

Yes.

Yes, I Will.

I Said, "Yes, I Will."

Get Off My Case, Robbie.

I Promise To Take My Pill If You'll Stop Acting Like One.

What About You?

Are You Flossing?

Well, It's Very Important After 40.

Good-Bye.

How's The Prince?

He Is A Royal Pain.

He's Always Asking If I Take My Medicine.

Why Don't You Take It?

Rudy, You Take Medicine When You're Sick.

I'm Not Sick.

Now, Do You Have Any Sevens?

Mrs. Hickson, It's My Turn.

Oh.

Yes.

I Was Trying To Psych You Out.

Do You Have Any Threes?

Oh, Contessa, You Are Killing Me.

I Haven't Played With Such A Card Shark

Since I Played King Henry Viii.

I Was Married To Him

You Know.

Long Live The King.

Long Live The King.

( Television Audio ) ♪ Open The Door, Richard. ♪

♪ Open The Door And Let Me In... ♪

As Per Clair's Orders:

Broccoli, Rice Cakes, Distilled Water--

A No-Salt Snack.

Hello.

Hello.

How You Doing?

Great.

What's That?

Sleeping Bags.

You Didn't Pay Your Rent?

Daddy, Of Course We Did.

How's Everything?

Fine.

I Think We Made The Right Career Choice.

We've Had A Terrific Month

The Only Things That Aren't Moving Are These Sleeping Bags.

You're Not Moving Them Here.

No, We're Not.

We're Making You Part Of A Promotional Campaign.

Quotes From People Who Have Used The Bags

Will Get Others To Buy Them.

We'll Sleep In The Back Yard Tonight.

Anyone Who Joins Us Gives Us Their Quote.

Who's Joining Us?

Dad, You're The Guest Here.

Thanks, Son

But Sleeping Bags Are Filled With Goose Feathers.

I'm Allergic To Them.

Grandpa, These Are Made With Manmade Fibers.

I'm Allergic To Them, Too.

Dad?

I'm Allergic To Bears.

In The Yard?

You Sleep Face Up In Those?

Yes.

I'm Allergic To Pigeons, Also.

We Hit You With This Too Suddenly.

You'll Feel Differently After You've Thought About It.

We'll Put The Bags In The Back.

Help Yourself.

I Admire Their Initiative, Cliff.

I Think They'll Make A Go Of It

With This Wilderness Store.

If They Don't, They're Not Sleeping In My Back Yard.

Grandpa!

There's My Girl!

Where Did You Get That Lovely Hat?

From Mrs. Hickson.

Who Is Mrs. Hickson?

She's My Friend Down The Street.

Did You Have Fun?

Yes, She's Funny When We Play Cards.

She Gets Sleepy, And Then She Cheats.

She Cheats?

She Says It's Her Turn When It's Mine.

She's Doing That Again?

Yes.

How's She Feeling?

She Says She's Fine.

That's Why She Stopped Taking Her Medicine.

Guess Who's Here.

Who?

Sondra And Elvin.

They're In The Back Yard.

Sondra! Elvin!

No Matter What

You Are Not Sleeping In The Back Yard Tonight.

Come On.

You And I Will Walk Over And See Mrs. Hickson.

She's Done This Before.

I Think You And I

Can Help Her Take Her Medicine.

I've Seen This Before With Friends.

If They Have Medicine To Take, They Resent It.

They Feel It Controls Their Lives

So They Stop Taking It.

When You Get Older, Things Like That Happen.

I Saw You Take That Rib.

( Doorbell )

Well, Dr. Huxtable.

How Are You, Mrs. Hickson?

Who Is This Handsome Man With You?

This Is My Younger Brother, Russell Huxtable.

I'm His Father.

It's A Pleasure Meeting You.

You Don't Know That Yet.

Come In, And You'll Find Out.

Thank You.

Rudy's Always Talking About How Good A Time She Has

Whenever She's Here.

Did You Like Her New Hat?

It's Beautiful.

You Gave It To Her?

No, I Sold It To Her.

You Sold It To Her?

She Said Her Father Was Good For The Money.

You Owe Me $325.

She Has A Sense Of Humor.

I Am Serious.

Cough It Up.

My Father Has The Money.

Why Don't You Both Sit Down.

Thank You.

May I Get You Something To Drink?

No, Thanks.

No, We Just Had A Wonderful Meal...

I Think.

Oh.

I Couldn't Help But Notice This Medicine You Have Here.

Is That Medicine Bottle The Reason You Dropped By?

No.

What's Inside The Bottle That You're Not Taking

Is The Reason I'm Here Today.

I'm Not Sure That's Your Business

But If You Like That Bottle, Take It Home.

I Don't Need It.

Dr. Davidson Would Not Write This Prescription

Unless He Felt

You Needed It.

If You Don't Take Your Medicine

Then You'll Have Some Drowsiness...

And Memory Loss.

After Awhile, You Could Slip Into A Diabetic Coma.

I Don't Intend To Take Medicine Every Day

For The Rest Of My Life.

I Feel Fine.

You Are Welcome To Stay And Talk About World Affairs Or Football.

If The Topic Is Medicine

Go Home And Discuss It.

Okay, We Can Discuss World Affairs.

Fine.

Did You Know

That The Emperor Of Ethiopia Is Not Taking His Medicine?

I Heard That, Too

And It's A Shame, Because He's A Fine Man.

You Two Troublemakers Won't Be Satisfied

Unless I Take One Of Those Pills.

Absolutely.

All Right, You Win.

I'll Take A Pill.

There You Are.

All Right.

I'll Pour You Some Water.

There You Go.

Thank You.

Wonderful.

Now...

I'd Like To Take My Afternoon Nap.

So You're Putting Us Out.

That's Right.

No Hard Feelings?

None At All.

I Hope You'll Come Again...

Yes, We Will.

...Not Often, But Again.

Bye-Bye.

Hi, Daddy.

Guess What?

What?

I Got Mrs. Hickson To Take Her Medicine.

You Saw Her Take It?

Yes, I Did.

Did You Check

Under Her Tongue?

No, Why?

She Hides The Pill There

When She Doesn't Want To Swallow It.

Really?

Yeah, I Saw Her Do That When Her Son Was There.

Bet She Faked You Out.

You Should Call Her Son And Tell Him About This.

First, I Want To Find Out If She Took The Medication.

If She Didn't

Then She's Definitely Thrown Down The Gauntlet

And I Accept The Challenge.

Okay, See You Later.

Bye-Bye.

Hey, Vanessa.

I Didn't Know You Were Home.

Hey, Sis.

What's Up?

Would You Like To Get Closer To Nature

And Help Sondra And Me?

I'm Not Going To Sleep In The Back Yard.

Who Told You?

It's A Small House, Sondra.

Word Travels Fast.

That Only Leaves Mom.

She's In The Kitchen.

Let's Go.

Last Chance.

Good Luck, You Guys.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Mom, We Have A Business Proposition.

I'm Selling A New Line Of Sleeping Bags.

I Could Sell Hundreds If I Could Make The Claim:

"This Sleeping Bag Is So Comfortable

Even My Mother-In-Law Camped In It."

You'll Enjoy It.

These Sleeping Bags Are Very Warm And Comfortable.

Can I Think About This?

Sure.

I Don't Know Why We Asked You.

I Beg Your Pardon?

It's Not Your Type Of Thing.

You're The Indoor Type.

You Dress Real Beautifully.

Your Hair's Always In Place.

You Like Woman Things.

Are You Saying I'm Too Delicate For This?

Not At All.

I Like Camping.

I Haven't Done It In Awhile, But I Am

As Hardy As The Next Person

So You Name The Time And Place.

10:00, Our Yard?

You Got It.

I'll Be There

With My Hair Messed Up.

Elvin, You Were Sensational

The Way You Turned My Mother Around

By Using Reverse Psychology.

What Do You Mean?

All Those Ridiculous Statements You Made

About How Women Are Only Interested In Looking Good.

It Was Brilliant.

Well?

That Woman Is Funny.

She Came To The Door And She Went:

"What Do You Want?"

I Said, "I Want To Come In."

"What Is It This Time?"

So, I Looked Around

And In The Trash Is The Pill.

So I Said, "Is This The Pill?"

"Oh, Listen, Why Are You Bothering Me?"

I Said, "Now Look, You're Going To Take This Pill."

So I Got One, And I Watched Her.

She Put It In Her Mouth, Drank The Water.

She Says, "Now What?

So I Said, "I Want You To Say

"'The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly On Spain.'"

So She Said, "The Rain In Sp..."

And Her Teeth Fell Out.

How Did You Make Her Take It?

I Told Her, "This Is Important."

"If You Take It, You Live.

If You Don't, You Die."

You're Very Good.

Thank You.

Somebody Needs To Do That To You.

For What?

Salt.

Oh, Lord, Please.

For Five Years

Your Doctor Has Been Telling You To Lower Your Salt Intake.

You Still Have Hoagies, Bacon, Chips.

I've Even Seen You Using A Fork

To Make The Holes In The Salt Shaker Bigger.

That's Because The Holes Were Clogged.

Didn't You Tell Me That Your Greatest Fear In Life

Is That One Day, You'll Be Walking Down The Street

And Pass Out

Only To Awaken And Find An Unattractive Person

Breathing Foul Air Into Your Mouth?

Mrs. Hickson Is As Stubborn As You Are.

You Got Her To Take That Pill One Time.

But What Is Your Guarantee That She'll Continue To Take Them?

Because She Said So.

We'll Have To Do More.

Okay.

While You're Thinking

I'll Fix Myself A Little Snack.

Hello?

I'm Just Going To Have A Little Bit Of...

I Won't Fix Anything Salty.

I Was Going To Have

A Glass Of Distilled Water And A Bowl Of Air.

Are You Sure The Only Reason I Was Invited Over Here

Is For Dinner?

Maybe.

Your Family Has Something Up Its Collective Sleeve.

Maybe.

What Is It?

Come On.

The Contessa Would Tell Me.

Sorry, But The Contessa Went To Jupiter.

Hello, Mrs. Hickson.

Oh, The Policeman.

We're So Glad You Could Come Over.

I'm Glad, Too, So Far.

We Heard You Took Your Medicine Today

So We Thought We'd Celebrate.

Well, How Nice.

That's It?

We Hope We Can Do This Every Day.

You Have My Word.

Good, Then You Won't Mind Signing This.

What Is It?

A Contract Saying You'll Let Rudy Come Over Every Morning

And Watch You Take Your Medicine.

If You Brought Me Here To Sign Something

You Have Wasted Good Paper.

My Son And His Family Care About You.

They Only Want A Promise.

Yeah, Can't I Come Over In The Morning?

You May Come Over Any Morning You Want

But I Am Not Signing Anything.

If I Feel Like Doing Something, I Do It.

If I Don't Feel Like It, I Don't.

Clair: You're Right.

You're The One Who Should Make This Decision.

We Shouldn't Talk About This Any Further.

Absolutely.

Okay, I'm Just Going To Get A Little Snack.

Going To Get Myself Something To Eat.

I'm Going To Have Myself A Little Snack.

I'll Be All Right.

You're Not Supposed To Eat Salty Foods.

But I Feel Fine, Dear.

I Feel Wonderful.

It's Been A Long Time Since I Had One Of These Boys.

I'll Tear This Up, Put On A Little Salt.

It Won't Hurt Because I Feel Fine.

Mmm...

Boy, It's Been A Long Time.

Mmm.

Oh, My Goodness, My Son.

We've Got To Help Him.

My Poor Daddy.

Just Leave Him Alone.

I Told Him Not To Eat That Salt.

Oh, Now, Wait A Minute.

Vanessa: I Am Not Brushing My Teeth.

Sondra: But Aren't You Worried

That Your Teeth And Gums Won't Stay Healthy?

No Dentist Will Tell Me

I Have To Brush My Teeth For The Rest Of My Life.

Vanessa, You Haven't Brushed Them In A Month.

Hey, My Teeth, My Decision.

I Am Doing Just Fine Without Brushing.

Hello.

That Was Just Wonderful.

Do I Get To See Another One Now?

Hey, Everybody.

I Knew It.

What Happened To Dad?

Salt.

Salt?

A Minute Ago, He Felt Fine.

Now You're The Man Of The House.

Oh, Great.

Well, I'm Going Out.

Theo, Aren't You Staying For Dinner?

I Ate Some Food Three Days Ago.

You Have To Eat Every Day To Stay Healthy.

Mom, I Eat When I Want To Eat.

Don't Tell Me I Have To Eat Every Day.

I'm The Man Of The House.

I Don't Need Food.

I Feel Fine.

Whoa!

Okay, I'll Sign.

I Must Say You People Are Persistent.

You're Nuts, But You Are Persistent.

You Sign Up At The Top, And Rudy Will Sign On The Bottom.

All Right.

Oh!

I Can Play, Too, You Know.

Ahh.

Fresh Air.

We Really Appreciate You Helping Us Out.

Oh, It's Our Pleasure.

Elvin: I Think This Was A Good Compromise.

With The Windows Open, It's Almost Like Sleeping Outdoors.

We'll Be In The Back Yard.

See You In The Morning.

Good Night.

Thanks.

Good Night.

Good Night.

Cliff?

Hmm?

I Guess Kissing You Is Out Of The Question.

I Guess Doing A Whole Lot Of Things Is Out Of The Question.

It Is Starting To Get Cold In This Room.

My Nose Is Beginning To Feel Numb.

I Have To Go To The Bathroom.

Cliff, Why Didn't You Take Care Of That

Before They Zipped You Up?

I Didn't Have To Go Before They Zipped Me Up.

You Drank A Lot Of Water Tonight.

If You'd Let Me Eat Salt

The Salt Would Have Soaked It Up.

You'll Have To Wait Till The Morning.

Well, I'm Going To The Bathroom.

The Zipper Is Stuck.

The Zipper's...

Unzip This, Will You, Please?

Hurry Up, Dear, Please.

No, I'm Not Kidding.

Come On.

Quit Fooling Around.

My Zipper's Stuck, Too.

Your Zipper Is Not Stuck.

Don't Fool With Me Now.

I Swear It's Stuck.

Come On, Unzip This.

My Zipper's Stuck, Cliff.