Original subtitles

I'm Going To The Novelty Shop

To Get Some Things For Rudy's Haunted House Party.

What Are You Getting?

Well, I Don't Know

But You Know, I Am The Master Of Fright.

You Just Remember That They're Children.

No, I'll Take It Easy On Them.

( Ominous Laughter )

Oh, Jeffrey Engels Called.

He's Coming Over In An Hour.

If He Comes And I'm Not Here, Ask Him To Wait.

He's Bringing Beth To Help Decorate The House.

He Also Wants That Drill You Borrowed.

Oh, Man, I Forgot I Had That.

You've Had It For A Month.

I've Had It That Long?

You Wanted To Put A New Shelf Under The Sink.

Your Drill Was Broken, So You Borrowed Jeffrey's.

The Shelf Still Is Unfinished.

Oh, But Wait A Minute, It's Almost Finished.

Check It Out.

Halfway Home.

I Don't Mean To Criticize

But We're "Halfway Home" On A Lot Of Projects.

You Have A Habit Of Starting These Things With Enthusiasm

But You Don't Finish.

That's Because Every Time I Start A Project

A Pregnant Woman Calls With Labor Pains

And I Have To Stop And Go To The Hospital.

When Will You Finish?

When I Retire.

Please Retire This Evening

Because You'll Need The Rest Of Your Life To Finish

All These Projects.

If It Makes You Happy

I'll Finish The Shelves Today.

That Would Make Me Very Happy.

If You Allow Me, I'll Also Give You A Dish-Towel Rack.

The Shelf Will Do.

All Right, Then I Shall Go Down And Do The Novelty Shopping

And I Will Also--

Madame--

If You Don't Mind

Pick Up A New Drill For Myself.

Fine.

And Maybe A Forklift Truck.

When Can I Open My Eyes?

Just A Minute.

Ooh, What Is It?

Eyeballs.

Eww!

Hah! Got You.

They're Just Grapes.

What's Going On?

We're Making A Haunted House.

Our Friends Are Going Through It Later.

You Should See The Coffin I Made.

It's Unbelievable.

Aren't You Too Old For This?

It Sounds Immature.

We Were Thinking You Could Be The Mummy.

The Mummy?

Yeah.

You Get All Wrapped Up In Bandages.

Then You Walk Around Like A Zombie.

If You Want, You Can Even Grab People.

Oh, Wow!

All Right, I'm In.

Rudy, What Are You Going To Be?

A Witch.

She Has To Be A Witch.

She's A Woman.

What's That Supposed To Mean?

My Brother Says Women Can Only Be Witches And Princesses.

I Don't Care What Your Brother Says.

I Can Be Anything I Want.

I Can Be Frankenstein.

Frankenstein Was A Man.

You Can Only Be His Wife

And She Was Ugly.

Well, Hello, Goblins And Goblinettes.

Hey, Dad, Check This Out.

When You Get To The Bottom Of The Stairs

It Flies In Your Face.

This Will Be Some Haunted House.

I'm The Mummy.

I Get To Grab People.

Wonderful.

I Think That

Combined With The Things I Just Bought From The Novelty Store

We'll Have To Open This House To The Public And Charge.

What Did You Get?

Here It Is.

( Scary Noises )

It's Not Very Big, Dad.

You Don't Want It Too Big, Or People Will Know It's Fake.

Hah, Ya!

Ohhh!

Eee! Jigeee!

What Else Did You Get?

Okay.

Stand Back, Now.

You Ready?

Let's Say That You're Walking Down A Dark Street...

( Humming )

Eee!

Ahhhh!

Waggy, Waggy, Waggy.

Bite, Bite, Bite.

Bitey, Bitey.

Let's See What Else You've Got Here.

Hey, This Is Great.

A Power Drill.

We Could Really Scare Kids With This.

Oh, Wow! Oh, Wow!

A Real Drill!

That's Not For You.

The Power Drill Is For Me.

You People Are Sickos.

How You Doing, Beth?

How You Doing, Jeff?

Hey, Neighbor.

All Right.

One Skeleton Reporting For Duty.

And A Beautiful Skeleton She Is.

What's In The Bowl?

Something For The Haunted House.

Say What It Is.

Brains.

Want To Touch?

Well, Brains, My Goodness.

Did You Buy These, Or Was It A Gift?

Neither.

They're Really Wet Noodles.

Ohhh, Wet Noodles!

Ohhh!

Now I Have Something

For You, Too.

Try This On For Size.

Prepare Yourself.

( Scary Noises )

Very Funny, Dr. Huxtable.

Rudy's In The Basement If You'd Like To Go Down There.

Okay.

Bye, Dad.

Have Fun.

Want To Take These Home, Scare Your Wife?

That's Great.

Great.

Oh, It's That Time Of Year.

I Just Need To Get One More Thing Before I Go.

Your Drill.

Yeah, I'm Finally

Building That Bird Feeder.

You Need A Drill For That.

And I Think I Have It In My Tool Chest.

And I'm Sorry To Have Kept It So Long.

Don't Mention It, My Dear Fellow.

It's A Great Drill.

Yes, It Is.

Did You Like

That Variable Speed Action?

Fantastic.

And That Non-Slip Handle?

Loved It.

Nice Toolbox.

Yes, It Has Three Different Trays.

Fabulous.

Yep.

You Have A Secret Drawer There?

No.

It Isn't Here

But I Think Wherever My Last Project Was...

Follow Me.

I Was Working On Some Stuff In The Kitchen

And I Think I Left It Under The Sink.

I Bet It's Hiding

Because It Knows I Have Work For It.

This Is My Last Project Here I Was Working On.

These Brackets, Your Drill.

Beautiful.

Would You Like A Drink?

No, Thanks.

I'll Just Take My Drill And Go.

Okay, Fine.

I Know That It's Here...

Somewhere

Because A Drill Just Can't Walk By Itself.

Well, This Particular Drill Does Do Almost Everything.

Just Look In Here.

Is That It?

No.

No, That's Not It.

What's That Over There?

Darkness.

You Don't Need Me

Breathing Down Your Neck Here.

I Have To Go To The Hardware Store.

I'll Come Back At 5:00.

Okay, And Then I'll Have It Polished For You.

Fantastic.

Yeah, Good. Good.

Okay, I'll Let Myself Out.

All Right.

See You Later.

Waggy, Waggy.

Okay, You Guys, Come On.

Remember, We Want This To Sound Like A Haunted House.

Okay.

The Microphone Is Right Here.

( Wind Whistling )

( Wind Whistling )

( Wicked Laughter )

( Cackling Laughter )

( Howling )

( Groaning )

( Screaming )

That Was Pretty Good.

Let's Do It Again And Put Our Hearts In It.

Okay. Okay.

Cliff: You Guys Down There?

It's Dad.

Let's Get Him.

( Wind Whistling )

( Wind Whistling )

( Wicked Laughter )

( Cackling Laughter )

( Moaning )

( Screaming )

( Groaning )

( Moaning )

( Snarling )

We Got You, Dad.

Yes, You Got Me.

I'm Looking For An Old Power Drill.

Is It Daddy's Drill?

Yes.

Did You Lose It?

No, I Didn't Lose It.

It's Just Misplaced.

We Can Help You Look.

Okay, It's About This Size, It's Grey

And There's A Box Of Drill Bits.

Okay.

Okay, Thank You.

My Daddy

Really Likes That Drill.

He Has Every Right To.

He Keeps It In A Special Drawer Marked "Drill."

That's A Very Good Idea.

It Was My Grandpa's.

He Gave It To My Dad Before He Died.

Mm-Hmm.

I Guess The Drill Drawer

Will Be Empty Now.

Yeah, Uh, Why Don't You Go Check On Your Noodles?

Okay.

Dad, Look At This.

I Found My Old Baseball Cleats.

I'm Happy For You, But I'd Like You To Concentrate On The Drill.

Okay. Where Did You Last Use It?

I Don't Remember.

You Don't Remember Using A Big Drill?

Son, That's Not The Issue Here.

The Issue Is Find The Drill.

Okay.

Thank You.

It's Not By The Noodles.

Yeah, Okay.

Dr. Huxtable?

Yes, Ma'am.

If You Don't Find It

Are You Going To Cry?

No, No, I Won't Cry.

I Bet My Dad Will.

You Still Haven't Found It?

No.

Will You Keep Looking?

I Am Looking.

I'm At That Age

Where I'm Thinking About The Places I've Already Looked

Because I'm Not Going Back There.

Why Not?

Because I'd Be Embarrassed

If I Saw It Someplace I Had Already Looked.

I've Been Everywhere You've Been.

I Haven't Found It Either.

You're At That Age, Too.

Come And Sit Down.

( Doorbell )

It's 5:00, Cliff.

That's Jeffrey.

Honey, Just Tell Him What Happened.

So You Made A Mistake.

Everybody Makes Mistakes.

He'll Understand

Because He's Your Friend, And He's A Nice Person

And He Likes You.

Why Would A Drill Be In My Makeup Kit?

I Don't Know What You Use

To Put That Stuff On.

Hey.

Hey.

How Was The Hardware Store?

I Got Dowels And Wood Putty.

Now All I Need Is My Drill.

Jeffrey...

Yeah?

I Can't Return Your Drill.

Why Not?

I Lost It.

What?

I've Looked All Over This House Three Times.

My Wife Looked, The Children Looked

Beth Looked.

It's Gone.

Did You Lend It To Someone?

No, It's Just Gone.

It's Gone?

I'm Really Sorry.

I Feel Terrible About It.

I Don't Feel So Good Myself.

I'm Going To Sit Down.

I'll Get Over It.

It's Not A Big Deal.

It Was Just A Drill--

A Piece Of Metal With A Motor In It.

See, It Was My Father's Drill.

It Has A Lot Of Sentimental Value To Me.

Every Time I Used It

It Was As If I Could Smell

My Father's Pipe.

Don't Go Anywhere.

I'll Be Right Back.

There You Are.

There You Are.

That's Not My Drill.

No, Of Course Not.

This Is A New One.

I Bought This.

There You Go.

See, I'm Just Trying To Understand This.

How Can You Lose Something Like A Drill?

It's Not Like A Button.

This Is A Major Electrical Appliance.

I Was Just Saying To Bridget:

"If There Is One Man Who I Can Trust With My Drill

"It's Cliff.

He Delivered Our Children."

And It Wasn't Cheap Either.

You Know

My Father Said To Me:

"If You Lend Something To Someone

"Watch Them While They're Using It

And When They're Finished, Take It Back."

I Wish

I'd Listened To Him.

What Can I Say?

I'll Never Lend You Anything Again.

I Understand.

And By The Way, Don't Lose My Daughter.

Thank You, Clair.

Yes?

Uh-Huh.

You Said He'd Understand.

That's Right.

I Said To The Man:

"I Lost It.

We Looked Three Times."

The Man Sat There And Told Me That I Overcharged Him

For Delivering His Babies.

I Bought A Brand-New Drill

Which Is Ten Times Better Than His.

That Drill I Offered Him, Compared To His Drill...

His Drill Is A Woodpecker.

You Can Understand Why He's So Angry.

No.

Yes, You Can.

All I'll Say Is "Edward Bolton."

It's Not The Same.

The Only Difference Is You Lost A Drill.

Eddie Lost Your Barbecue On A Camping Trip.

And That Barbecue Was Very, Very Special.

It Was So Old You Had To Line It With Foil

To Keep The Coals From Falling Out.

When He Bought You A New Barbecue--

Complete With Rotisserie--

You Opened The Front Door And Threw It Out.

That Was The Saddest Display I've Ever Seen.

It Would Have Gone Farther If I Hadn't Hit My Car With It.

But You Know, You're Not Perfect.

Excuse Me?

Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury

I Ask You To Look At My Wife

And Ask Her About Judith Harwood.

Waah!

My Wife And Judith Harwood Were Like This.

All Day On The Phone...

"And Dear..."

"I'll Be There..."

That's How Tight They Were.

One Day, Judith Got The Flu.

My Wife Rushed Downstairs And Cooked A Meal For Her

And Put The Food Into These Plastic Containers

Which Must Cost All Of $4.13...

...And For The Next Six Months

Harassed Judith

Until Judith Had To Go See A Psychiatrist.

And Finally

Judith Sent Over New Plastic Containers Worth About $37.

My Wife Took The Containers, Put Them In The Driveway

Backed The Car Up

Rolled Over Them

Went Forward

Rolled Over Them Forward

Then Put Them In A Box

And Sent Them Back To Judith Harwood.

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Ask You

Is This Woman Guilty?

Yes, I'm Guilty.

Hah!

Your Friendship With Jeffrey

Shouldn't End Over This.

You Should Wait Until Christmas

And Buy Him A New Drill As A Gift.

Christmas... Christmas...

That's It.

That's It!

What Is Wrong With You?

Cliff!

Cliff...

Ba-Da-Ta-Dah!

Rrrrrrr... Pa-Banggg!

Now..!

Now... Jeffrey's Drill.

That Is Correct.

You Said, "Christmas."

I Hid This From The Children So They Wouldn't Fool With It.

Knowing How They Hate To Put Up Christmas Lights

I Wrote "Christmas Lights"

On It So It Would Repel.

They'd Be Gone.

So, Now I've Got It.

I'm So Smart, I'm Smarter Than Me.

Yes, You Are, And I'm Happy For You.

Thank You.

There's A Lesson To Be Learned Here.

Oh, Lord.

"There's A Lesson To Be Learned Here."

When You Hide Things From Other People

You Are Really Hiding It From Yourself

Because At Your Age, Your Memory Can't Take It.

( Knocking )

Come In.

Pedro.

You've Come For The Haunted House.

Yes.

This Way.

Have A Good Time, Peter.

Entrez-Vous.

Au Revoir.

Clair.

Yes?

There's A Man On This Block

Who's Been Suffering A Long Time Because Of A Loss.

I'm Going To Relieve That Suffering Now.

( Scary Noises )