Original subtitles

Clair?

Yes?

Have You Seen My Other Blue Argyle Sock?

For The Past Three Months

You've Been Asking For That Sock.

It's Gone.

It'll Turn Up.

I Think It Got Lost In The Laundry.

Give This One To Me For A Dust Rag.

You're Not Using It As A Dust Rag.

Socks Do This On Purpose.

When They're Together, They Say

"You Go And I'll Go, Then He'll Find One Of Us

"And He'll Walk Around: 'Clair, Have You Seen My Sock?'

"He'll Throw You Away, And Then I'll Show Up.

It Drives Him Crazy."

I'll Buy You A New Pair For Your Birthday.

No, That's Not Necessary, Dear.

How Do You Want To Celebrate?

Oh, It Doesn't Make Any Difference.

Nothing Special.

No, Come On, Now!

This Is A Very Special Birthday.

Are You Kidding?

Just Because There's A Number With A Zero On It?

Are You Afraid Of Turning 50?

I Am Not Afraid.

I'll Just Jump To 60 If You Want Me To.

Wait, I Know!

We'll Give You Something You've Never Had.

Measles.

No.

What? A Party.

For Just You And Your Friends.

And The Children?

Celebrate With Them In The Afternoon

And Have The Adult Party At Night.

You're Kidding.

Invite Whomever You Please.

I Can? Yes.

Oh, I'm Ready.

Just A Second.

I'll Get A Pad And A Pencil

And We'll Start This Right Now.

Put Down Harry Jefferson.

Harry Jefferson.

Put Him Down.

We Played Football In School.

Yes, I Remember Harry Jefferson.

He's The Clown That Smashes Empty Cans On His Head.

Dear, That Was 30 Years Ago.

You Don't Know That.

Lord Knows What His Head Looks Like.

All Right.

Clarence Petway.

We Were In Medical School Together.

He Used To Come To Dinner

And Talk About Accident Victims He Was Treating.

He Loves His Work.

I'm Supposed To Spend Three Days Cooking

So He Can Wreck Everybody's Appetite?

So You Don't Want Clarence?

Next.

Okay, Here's Somebody

That You And I Haven't Seen In Awhile.

Okay.

Mark Ettin.

Dear, Mark Ettin--

Come On Now.

He's Your Friend And He's My Friend.

He's Your Friend.

Margie Ettin Is My Friend.

Of Course, They Aren't Together Anymore.

They Got Divorced, That's True.

But Margie Has Remarried

And Her Last Name Isn't Ettin Anymore.

It Shouldn't Have Been Ettin To Begin With.

You Said To Me--

I Think--

"You're Going To Have A Grown-Up Party.

You Can Choose Whomever..."

I Gave You Three Names

And Every Time, You Went...

Do Me A Favor.

Of The Three

I Want You To Choose The One You Like Most

Of The Ones You Dislike.

All Right.

Mark Ettin.

All Right!

I'll Bury My Grudges For One Evening.

And Bless You For Your Kindness.

Here's Another One.

Somebody Who Helped Me When I Was Young And Growing Up

And Helped Me To Mature.

Who?

Eunice Chantilly.

I'm Going...

You're Not Going Anywhere.

You Come Back Here!

Ah.

Did You Enjoy Your Birthday Lunch?

Yes, My Favorite Cake

Made By My Favorite Children.

Did You Like The Scrambled Eggs With Peanut Butter?

No!

I Made It.

I Loved It!

Lovely!

Wonderful!

Okay, So Here We Go With The Main Event.

What Do You Mean?

You Know.

Where's My Present?

Dad, The Lunch Was Your Present.

No! No, I...

You Asked For A Birthday Lunch.

No, My Present--

Something In A Box With A Ribbon On It.

Let's Hit It!

But You Told Us To Keep It Simple.

Right.

Simple And Expensive.

Okay, Cliff.

The Children Do Have Something For You.

I Take It It's In The Living Room?

Yes, But Don't Look.

Okay.

Close Your Eyes And Follow Me.

Close My Eyes And Follow You?

Where Are You Leading Me?

Are They Closed?

Yes, But Why Is The Easel There?

No Fair, You Peeked!

Well, I'm Sorry, I Had To See The Chair.

Have A Seat.

Sondra: Let Us Begin.

Turning 50 Is A Monumental Event In A Man's Life.

Oh, Lord, Who Let This Child In The House?

Some Men Have Been Known To Be Traumatized

By Reaching The Half-Century Mark.

We'd Like To Make You Feel More Comfortable About Your Age.

This Is Sad.

And So, We Proudly Present...

"Things That Are Older Than Dad!"

This Is Dad. He's 50.

Fifty. Dad.

Some Might Think 50 Is Old

But There Are Even Older Things.

The Light Bulb Is Older Than Dad.

The Wheel Is Older Than Dad.

Fire Is Older Than Dad.

Dirt...

Is Older Than Dad.

All Of These Items Have Proven Themselves

Through The Test Of Time

And We Need Them Very Much.

Just Like Dad!

May I Have My Present, Please?

We Have A Present.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Thank You Very Much.

We All Chipped In.

It's Something You Could Use.

All Right.

Now, What Is It?

A Key Ring That Beeps When You Clap.

Oh, Really?

Because You're Always Losing Your Keys.

Now When You Lose Them, Just Do This:

( Beeping )

That's All Right.

( Nothing Happens )

Try Again.

( Nothing Happens )

Something Must Be Wrong.

( Beeping )

I Want To Try.

Yay! ( Beeping )

I'll Try From Back Here.

( Beeping )

That's It, Cliff.

You're Sitting Too Close.

( Nothing Happens )

Maybe It Doesn't Work For Adults.

( Beeping )

Okay, This Is A Practical Joke, Right?

No.

You're Pressing A Button Somewhere, Huh?

Maybe Your Hands Aren't Built Right.

My Hands Are Fine.

It's Supposed To Work For Everybody.

It Doesn't Work For Me.

Can I Have It?

No, You Can't Have It!

This Is Something I Will Cherish Forever.

It Was Given To Me By My Children.

Let's Hear It For Dad!

( Beeping )

She Did Not.

At Least I Told The Truth.

When We First Met, You Said You Were Famous.

I Was Famous.

Where?

In Saginaw, Michigan.

( Doorbell )

Must Be Mark.

I Can't Wait To See Him.

Finally.

Hey!

How You Doing, Mark?

Heathcliff... Yeah?

I'd Say You Look Good For 50, But I'd Be Lying.

I'd Say You Look Good, But You Never Did.

Who Is This? Your Wife?

You Remember My Daughter, Ellen.

Not The Ellen Who Used To Dribble Milk On My Shirt.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Doctor?

You Call Me "Uncle" Doctor Huxtable.

Hi, Everybody.

Hi!

Sorry I'm Late.

Traffic Was Backed Up For Miles.

You Got Lost.

He Did.

Shh.

Hi, Clair.

Hello, Mark.

How Are You?

I'm Fine.

Ellen, How Are You?

What A Surprise.

We Weren't Expecting To See You.

It Was My Mom's Weekend, But She Caught A Cold.

All The Girls Have Gone To See A Movie.

That's Okay.

No, No. My Son Is Here.

You Can Hang Out With Him.

Theo!

Yeah, Dad?

Come Down And Meet Some People.

Be Right Down.

Theo's Home Alone.

He's Got No Place To Go.

Hi.

Son, I Want You To Meet Mark Ettin...

Hi. Hi.

And His Daughter, Ellen. Hi.

Hi.

Nice Meeting You. Son.

Wouldn't You Like To Take Ellen To A Movie Tonight?

Dad, I'd Like To, But I Just Made Plans.

No Problem, I'll Set An Extra Place.

Let's Eat.

Good, I'm Starved.

Son, I Want To Talk To You In The Kitchen.

Well, Clair, It's Been A Long Time, Hasn't It?

Yes, It Has.

How's Everything At The Law Office?

Busy.

How Is Denise Adjusting To College Life?

Fine.

Son, I'd Really Appreciate It

If You Would Look After Ellen Tonight.

I Don't Think She'll Have Fun With The Adults.

But Some Kids Are Meeting At The Roller Rink.

Okay, Then Take Her Along.

I Can't Take Ellen Out In Public.

Why?

She's A Kid.

She's 12.

What Would People Say

If They Saw Me With Her?

They'd Say I Was Robbing The Cradle.

That Girl Is Gorgeous.

She's Beautiful.

I'm Sorry, All I See Is 12.

There's A Certain Age That You Said To Me

"Dad, I'm Going To Party Until I'm Burnt Out

Then Find A Woman To Settle Down With."

What Age Is That?

Twenty-Four.

When You're 24

She Will Be Around 20 Or 21.

And You'll Be Looking For Somebody.

Wouldn't It Be Nice To Be Nice To Her

So She Will Remember You When You're 24?

All Right, I'll Do It-- Because It's Your Birthday.

Thank You.

And On My 24th Birthday

If She Turns Out As Beautiful As You Say

You Have To Find Her And Bring Her To My Party.

All Right.

And There's Hector--

The Only One Who Can Ski--

Standing On The Slope, Saying

"I Will Ski Beautifully, And You Can Eat My Snow."

That's Him.

We Were Lucky Margie Was Around.

Whenever Anyone Fell, She Would Say

"Get Up. You Can Do It."

She Had Team Spirit.

Margie Never Complained About Anything.

Except The Cold.

I Spent A Fortune Buying Hot Chocolate.

Can't Blame Margie For That.

It Was Cold.

We've Been Sitting Here Too Long.

You All Move Into The Living Room.

We'll Straighten Up

And Be Right In.

Let's Move Before They Start Another Football Story.

No More Football Stories.

Did I Ever Tell You About When Cliff And I Ran Track?

Can You Believe That Man?

Huh?

Complaining That Margie Spent Too Much Money

On Hot Chocolate.

That Was A Joke.

It Was A Poor Joke.

You Know Better, Because You Were There.

It Was Cold.

I Know.

I Drank Chocolate, Too.

You Didn't Complain.

No, I Didn't.

Tell You What--

Why Don't We Brew Some Coffee

Take Some Deep Breaths

And Then Go In The Living Room.

I Don't Want To Be Near That Man--

Looking Like A Peacock, Criticizing Margie.

I Want To Smack Him!

You Brew The Coffee.

I'll Go Get A Football Helmet And Put It On His Head.

Just A Little Joke.

Hey, Let's Get Moving With The Java.

I Just Finished Making A Lovely Presentation.

Where's Clair?

She's Downstairs

Soaking The Tablecloth.

I'll Help.

No, You'd Be Better Off

Up Here With Me.

You're Done.

I Said You'd Be Better Off Up Here Helping Me.

There's A Problem, Isn't There?

Yeah.

I Thought When I Was Invited Tonight

I Was Forgiven For What Happened With Margie.

Clair Just Needs A Little Time.

I'd Really Like To Talk To Clair.

Okay, Go Ahead.

But Remember, You Don't Have Me To Block For You.

With The Way You Blocked

I Got Used To Running Unprotected.

Okay. Good Luck.

I Hope You Straighten Things Out.

Then She Might Let You Come Play With Me.

I'm Taking The Coffee In!

Cliff, I'll Be In As Soon As I Put These...

Dishes In The Dishwasher.

Let Me Help You.

I've Got This Under Control.

Why Don't You Join The Others?

Will We Ever Clear This Up?

Clear What Up?

Ever Since Marge And I Got Divorced

I've Been In Your Doghouse.

This Isn't The Time To Talk About This.

You're Right-- I'll Bring It Up

When We're Having Coffee.

I Think I See A Smile.

It's Okay. I Won't Tell.

Leave Me Alone. I'm Angry With You.

At Least You've Said It.

Thank You. You're Welcome.

Why Can't You Forgive Me?

I Don't Know.

It's Been Five Years Since The Divorce.

I Have A Good Memory.

You Did Something I Cannot Easily Forgive.

I'm Not Denying It.

I Cheated On Margie.

Yes, You Did.

And I'm Sorry.

I Was Wrong. I Hurt Her.

Yes, You Did.

When I Realized That, I Was Never Sorrier.

I Haven't Stopped Loving Margie.

But She's Remarried And Happy.

I Can't Beg Her To Come Back.

But Until I Die, I'll Never Ever Find A Friend Like Her.

Margie Is A Good Friend.

We Get Along Now. She's Forgiven Me.

Are You Telling The Truth?

Yes. Just Think About Giving Me A Chance.

I'll Think About It.

Cliff Said If We Work It Out, You'll Let Me Play With Him.

Please.

Do You Mind If I Shoot Some Hoops?

No.

Looks Like You've Got A Pretty Good Dunk Shot.

You Know About Basketball?

Dad Takes Me To Games.

Really?

If The 76ers Make The Finals, Dad Said He'd Get Tickets.

Whoa.

We Do A Lot Together.

Last Summer We Went Backpacking In Maine.

Next Month, We're Going White-Water Rafting In Colorado.

What's The Matter?

I'm Trying To Picture Vanessa And Dad

Alone In A Raft Going Down A River.

Dad Likes To Do Things With Me.

He Makes The Most Of Our Time Together.

How Long Have Your Parents Been Divorced?

About Five Years.

Was It Rough?

Well, I Was Only Seven.

I Cried A Lot.

I'm 12 Now.

I Understand These Things Happen.

You're Pretty Together About All This.

Thanks.

Want To Take A Shot?

Okay.

I'm Better At Watching.

Can You Roller Skate?

Yeah.

Want To Go To The Rink?

Sure.

Let's Get Our Coats.

We May Run Into My Friends.

How About If I Say You're Baby-Sitting Me?

You Don't Have To Do That.

We'll Just Tell Them You're My Cousin From Missouri.

Clair, Adieu.

Adieu.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow.

Please Take That Phony Accent

And Get Out.

All: Good-Bye.

Happy Birthday, Brother.

Thank You.

I'll See You.

I'll Be Blocking For You.

Thanks. Good Night.

Good Night.

Oh, That Was Lovely.

That Was Lovely. Thank You.

Thank You So Much.

I Enjoyed It.

I'm Glad You Enjoyed That.

( Nothing Happens )

You Did Something To It.

( Beeping )

What Did You Do?

The Key Ring Does Not Like You

But I Do.

You Do?

Oh, Yes.

If I Clap, Will You Beep For Me?

Maybe.

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep.

I Had A Talk With Mark.

Oh, Yeah?

Did You Smack Him?

No, I Listened To Him.

Good.

It's Tough Being Divorced And Having Your Friends

Like You And Not Like You.

I Would Imagine That If We Were Divorced

How Many People...

You've Been Thinking About This?

What I'm Talking About Is...

What Are You Talking About?

I'm Making A Point.

What's The Point?

There Is No Point.

I Wasn't...

I Didn't Say Anything.

Where Would You Stay If We Broke Up?

I Don't Think I Could Live

If We Broke Up.

You Know Where You'd Stay.

Where?

At That Fool's House.

What..?

That Fool That Puts Cans On His Head

And Squashes Them.

You All Would Have A Bachelor Pad.

You'd Have All-Night Parties Of Degradation.

I Would Not.

You'll Be Sorry When I Say My Piece

Which Is Truth.

When The Children Were In There

And Brought The Cake With The Candles

And I Blew Them Out

The Wish Was We Would Always Be In Love With Each Other

Forever

And Married

And Together Forever.

Now.

You Did That?

I Did.

Because You Are A Lawyer

And If We Got Divorced, You Would Take Me For Everything.

You Got That Right.

Yes, Indeed.

Let's Go To Bed.

Now You're Talking.

I Want You To Know

I'm Happy My Birthday Is Over

Because This Stomach Of Mine...

No More Cake In This Thing.

( Beeping )