Original subtitles

Hey.

I Just Got A Letter From Hillman College.

Hmm.

"In June

"Dr. Zachariah J. Haynes, President Of Hillman College

Will Be Retiring After 53 Years Of Service To The School."

Oh, Watch It.

That Will Cost You Some Money.

Listen To This.

"As A Distinguished Graduate

"We Would Like To Invite You To Serve On The Executive Committee

"To Plan A Celebration In Honor Of Dr. Haynes

To Be Held Graduation Weekend."

Isn't That Something?

Yeah.

They Want Me There A Week From Saturday For Ten Days.

Dr. Haynes Is A Very, Very Special Person.

What Are You Looking For?

My Letter.

What Letter?

My Letter From Hillman.

You Didn't Get One.

Well, Uh, They Probably Meant That Letter For Both Of Us Then.

No, I Don't Think So, Because Here It Says:

"Clair, Give Our Regards To Cliff."

Read It Again.

Read The Letter Again, Please.

"Dear Clair

"As A Distinguished Graduate

"We Would Like To Invite You

"To Serve On The Executive Committee

"To Plan A Celebration In Honor Of Dr. Haynes

To Be Held Graduation Weekend."

I Don't Understand.

I'm A Distinguished Graduate.

Yeah. You Were A Distinguished Graduate.

I Was A Good Student.

You Think Your Mother Would Like To Go With Me?

Yeah, She'll... She'll Enjoy That.

I'll Call Her.

I Don't Understand

How They Could Leave Out

One Of The Most Distinguished...

Students Ever In The History...

Of The School.

You Know What?

They're Probably Sending Me A Special Delivery Letter

Asking Me To Give The Keynote Address.

I Don't Think So.

It Says Here That The Incoming President Will Be Doing That.

I Don't Understand

How They Could Leave Out

Probably The Most Distinguished Graduate In All Of Hillman.

That's Why They Did It!

Because You Were The Most Distinguished And Most Loved.

Everybody Would Be Looking At You

And Forget All About Dr. Haynes And His Little 53 Years.

That's What It Is.

That's What It Is.

Clair.

Mm-Hmm?

Are You Laughing At Me?

Uh-Huh.

Well, No, Don't Be Embarrassed.

Just Call Me When They're About Seven Or Eight Minutes Apart.

You're Still Nervous?

Okay. Why Don't You...

Now Go To The Hospital

And Your Wife Will Call You

When She's Seven Or Eight Minutes Apart, Okay?

All Right. Talk To You Later.

( Doorbell )

And Who Are You?

Your Father.

My Father Ran Away

With The Circus When I Was Born.

He's Back.

Oh, My Goodness.

You Don't Smell Like You've Been Around Elephants.

Yes. Ha, Ha.

Listen. What Is All This Stuff For?

I'll Be Here While Anna's At Hillman

So I Brought Some Things.

Dad, We Have Oatmeal.

You Didn't Have To Buy It.

Not That Kind.

That's Norwegian Oatmeal. Havregroet.

Have De Who?

That's The Oatmeal The Vikings Ate.

Okay. That's Fine.

What Is This? Soap?

Mm-Hmm.

Is It Viking Soap?

No, Son, The Viking's Never Had Soap.

They Jumped Off The Boats And Swam In The Fjords.

What?

Fjords!

Fjords. Okay.

I Want To Discuss Something With You.

I'll Be Staying Five Days.

I'll Pay My Own Way.

Dad...

Don't Talk Back.

I've Estimated How Much It Will Cost You

To Have Me Here Per Day.

Yeah, But, Dad...

I Have It On Paper. "Food, Hot Water

Entertainment."

Entertainment?

Well, I Watch The News On Television.

Our Tv's Paid For.

You Don't Have To Put A Quarter In It Anymore.

Let Me Pay For My Groceries.

Take Your Hands Out Of Your Pocket.

Your Money's No Good Here.

We'll Discuss This Later.

That's Another Thing You Do.

You Say, "We'll Discuss This Later"

And That's Only Used To Wear Me Down.

We'll Discuss That Later, Too.

Granddad!

Here Are My Girls!

Hi.

That's Right.

Just Act Like He's The Only One In The Room.

Just Leave Me Sitting Here.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

What's In The Bag?

Some Things Your Granddad Brought Home.

That's True.

But If I Dig Into This Bag

I Might Find Something You Children Would Love.

Chocolate Chip Cookies!

No, No, No.

Can We Have One?

You Have To Ask Your Father.

Can We, Please, Please?

No, No, Wait, Wait.

Okay, One.

Thank You.

You Can Have One.

I'd Like One.

No. At Your Age, This Turns Right To Fat.

( Ring )

( Ring )

Huxtable Residence.

Oh, Hi, Mom.

Oh, It's Just A Chocolate Chip Cookie.

Well, Dad Said I Could.

Mom Wants To Talk To You.

What A Shame.

Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.

What's Wrong?

Listen To This.

"Douglas B. Hoffer, 85, Passed Away Yesterday.

Survived By His Wife, Helene, And His Two Sons."

It's A Shame.

You Knew Him?

No, I Just Read The Obituaries.

Do You Do This Often?

Every Day.

Here's A Guy Who Went, Only 52 Years Old.

I Got Him Beat.

He's Survived By His Wife, His Children, His Father...

His Mother-- Survived By Everybody.

52?

Mm-Hmm.

Oh, Listen To This.

It Says He Left The Bulk Of His Estate To His Father.

Must Have Been A Nice Boy.

Yeah. I'll Bet He's In Heaven.

( Ring )

( Ring )

Hello?

Oh, No, No.

Theo Is Not Home Yet.

He's At Wrestling Practice.

Uh... Well, Young Lady

May... May I Take A Message?

The Young Lady Called For Theo.

I Said, "Can I Take A Message?"

She Just Went:

( Giggling )

She Hung Up.

When You Were At Your Office, A Couple Of Ladies Called.

Wouldn't Leave Their Names.

One Girl Said:

"Tell Theo He's A Doll."

( Giggling )

Hey, Grandpa. Hey, Dad.

How Was Wrestling Practice?

Okay.

Grandfather Took Calls For You.

He Has A Message.

What Is It?

"Theo, You're A Doll.

Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee."

What?

That's What She Said.

She?! Who?

She Wouldn't Tell Me.

You're Sure It Was A She?

Definitely.

Yes, You Have Been Getting Quite A Few Calls

And They've Been Girls Who Have Just Been Giggling-- Tee Hee--

And Then Hanging Up The Phone.

Are You Teasing Me?

Would We Tease About Something As Serious As This?

Yeah.

We're Not Doing It This Time.

This Is Strange.

All Day Girls Were Smiling At Me And Giggling And Waving

And Giving Me The Eye.

And When I Asked Them What Was Wrong

They Said, "I Heard About You."

Something Strange Is Definitely Going On.

Maybe Not, Theo.

It Could Be You're Turning Into A Huxtable Man.

There You Go.

The Caterpillar Turning Into...

The Butterfly.

Yes.

A Miracle Of Nature.

What Do You Mean?

You See, What Happens Is

Huxtable Men, All Of A Sudden They Blossom

And They Become Irresistible

To The Female Of The Species.

How Come You Never Told Me This Would Happen?

Because I Didn't Think

You Could Handle It.

( Ring )

I'll Get It.

Huxtable Residence.

Speaking.

I Am?

Well, Who Is This?

Okay, At Least Give Me Your Initials.

Well, Can You Tell Me What Homeroom You're In?

203? Hey, That's A Great Homeroom!

What Row Do You Sit In?

Hello?

Dad, You Were Wrong.

Hmm?

I Can Handle This.

You Can?

Son, You've Got Some Problems Here In The Cupboard.

What Do You Mean?

Your Cereals, Flour And Sugar--

All These Boxes Should Be Wrapped In Plastic Bags.

Why?

Keeps Out Ants.

Dad, We Don't Have Ants.

Not Yet.

It Only Takes The Scout Ant.

Come On, The Scout Ant?

He's The One The Ants Send Out To Find Food.

If He Sees That, You'll Have Ants.

I Want To Tell You

That We Have Been Here For 20 Years-- No Ants.

That's The Way Ants Operate.

They Lull You Into Complacency.

Hi, Daddy.

Here Come The Scout Ants Now.

Rudy, Who's This?

This Is My Friend Kenny.

His Name Used To Be Bud.

Nice To Meet You, Kenny.

Thank You. I Have A Grandpa, Too.

What's His Name?

Grandpa.

If You're Going Out To Play, I Want You To Wear Hats.

I Didn't Bring A Hat.

I'll Get You One.

Looks Like A Happy Team.

Happy For About Three Minutes

And Then They'll Be Arguing Again.

No, I Don't Believe It.

I Hope You're Right...

But You're Not.

Here, Wear This Hat.

It's Theo's.

Okay. Thanks.

Let's Go.

Wait! I Have To Open The Door For You.

No, You Don't.

Yes, I Do.

I'm A Man.

You're A Woman.

So?

A Man Is Supposed To Open A Door For A Woman.

Who Says?

My Big Brother.

He's 19 And He Knows Everything.

Well, Sondra Says A Woman Can Do Anything.

No.

A Woman Can Do What A Man Says.

Not Me.

You'll Never Get Married.

I Will If I Want To.

You'll Have To Stay Home

And Cook And Wash Clothes.

Nah-Ah. A Woman Can Have Any Job She Wants.

No, She Can't.

Give Me Back My Hat, Bud.

My Name's Kenny.

Bud.

My Name's Kenny!

Bud!

My Name's Kenny!

Stop, Stop, Stop.

Now What's The Matter?

He's Not My Friend Anymore.

Yes, I Am.

Yes, I Am! No, No, Stop.

Stop It.

Now What Is The Matter?

He Tried To Open The Door For Me.

Okay.

I'm Supposed To. I'm A Man!

Wait, Wait, Just One Second.

Now, Look, Elvin...

Who?

No, No, No. That's Right.

You're Kenny.

All Right, Kenny.

If You Want To Act Like A Man And A Woman--

If You're Going To Discuss Things, You Have Differences--

You Do It Politely.

You Understand?

Yes. Yes.

All Right, Fine.

I'm Going To Open The Door For Both Of You

Not Because I'm A Man

But Because I'm A Tired Adult And I'm Throwing You Out.

Here's Your Hat, Kenny.

Thank You.

I Must Say, Son, You Handled That Well.

Well, Thank You, Dad.

I Had A Good Teacher.

Hi.

Hey.

Dad, You Have To Sign This.

Really? What Is It?

A Note From Our Principal.

Why Do You Have A Note From The Principal?

I Found Out Why I've Been Getting All The Calls.

I'm "Thoroughbred Of The Week."

"Thoroughbred"?

A Winner.

Every Week The Girls Pick A Junior Classman

And Put His Name And Number On The Girls' Washroom Wall.

So Why The Note From The Principal?

When I Found Out

I Went Into The Girls' Washroom After School

And Started Scribbling Over My Name And Number.

That's When The Principal, Mrs. Walker, Caught Me.

You Have To Sign That As Proof That I Told You.

Well, You've Told Me About It, And I'm Signing.

Thanks A Lot, Dad.

You're Welcome.

It Seems Like Raising Children

Is Tougher Than When I Was Raising You.

I Wish You Had Thought About That

When You Put The Curse On Me, And Said:

"I Hope Your Children Act Exactly The Way You Acted."

And Things Are Working Out Better Than I Expected.

Dad?

Mrs. Gillis Is Ready To Have Her Baby.

I Have To Go To The Hospital.

What Time Is It?

2:15 A.M.

Why Don't You Sleep In My Bed?

I'd Like To

But I Can't Get Up From Under Rudy.

I'll Show You How To Do This.

Thanks, Son.

How Did You Get In There?

Rudy Couldn't Sleep

So I Told Her About Hugo The Bear And The Wolf.

Really?

I Wish You Had Told Me-- That's My Favorite Story.

I Would Have Joined You.

But You Get So Excited When I Tell That Story.

I Was Afraid You'd Make So Much Noise You'd Keep Rudy Up.

I Understand.

I'll See You In The Morning.

Good Night, Son.

Good Night, Dad.

Hey, Dad.

It's Almost 11:00. Have You Been Up All This Time?

Yes.

Mrs. Gillis Finally Delivered The Baby.

I'm Telling You

That Child Came Right There And Stopped...

And Stared At Me Like This.

Would You Like A Steaming Bowl Of Havregroet?

Dad, I Don't Think I Want Any Hominy Grits.

I'm Just So Tired I'm Going To Go On In And Take A Little Nap.

I Think You Should Go Upstairs To Bed.

No, I Can't.

Mrs. Rolland Is Ready To Deliver.

Her Labor Pains Are 15 Minutes Apart

And Her Husband's Are Seven Minutes Apart.

Oh.

You Just Close You Eyes And Get Some Rest.

Thank You.

We're Back. Let's Go, Dad.

Shh!

Your Father Just Got Back From The Hospital.

He Promised To Take Us To Buy Some Jeans.

You'll Have To Forget That.

But We Came Back From The Record Store.

When I Was Your Age

My Father Expected Me To Chop Wood All Day Saturday

Until There Was Enough To Heat The House For The Entire Week.

Grandpa, We Don't Understand What You're Trying To Tell Us.

I'm Telling You That Children Should Help Their Parents More.

We Only Have One Tree In The Backyard.

Mom Planted It.

She'd Get Upset If We Hit It With An Ax.

The Kitchen Floor Needs Waxing

Or You Could Do Your Homework.

Which Will It Be?

Homework.

Definitely.

Good Choice.

Mmm.

Thank You.

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep.

I Never Realized How Much Activity There Is In This House.

Mmm.

You Do A Fine Job.

Thank You.

I've Told You Many Times That I Love You

But I've Never Told You That I'm Proud Of You.

And I Am.

You're All Right.

So Are You.

Would You Do Me A Favor?

You Name It.

Would You Tell Me The Story About The Bear?

Wouldn't You Rather Sleep?

No!

Okay.

Once Upon A Time...

In The Woods Of A Magic Kingdom

There Lived A Bear Named Hugo.

He Was A Very Sad Bear.

One Day, After Having A Picnic All By Himself

He Was Walking Home To His Cave

When He Saw A Wolf Who Looked Very Confused.

Was The Wolf Lost?

Yes, He Was.

And Was The Wolf's Name Hans?

That's Right, Cliffy.

( Ring )

I'll Get It.

( Ring )

Hello?

( Ring )

No, Son, You Rest.

Huxtable Residence.

Uh-Huh.

How Far Apart Are They?

Son, It's Mrs. Rolland.

Hello, Mrs. Rolland.

Oh, They Are, Huh?

All Right.

This Is It.

I'm On My Way Over.

Okay.

Bye-Bye.

You Have To Go To The Hospital.

Yes, Sir.

Isn't Their Something I Can Do For You?

Yeah, You Can Go Over And Deliver The Baby.

How About If I Just Give You A Ride?

Yes, That Would Be Fine.

On The Way, I'll Finish The Story.

Good, I'd Love That.

Now Where Was I?

Well, The Bear Had Just Finished Having His Picnic

And He Saw Hans, And Hans Was Confused.

Okay.

The Reason Hans The Wolf Was Confused

Was Because He Was Lost.

Yes.

Which Made Him Feel Very Lonely.

Yes.

Do You Think Hans And Hugo Will Become Friends?

Son, Be Patient.

I'll Get To That.

Okay.

Anyway, Hugo Went Over To Hans, And He Said:

( Gruff Voice: ) "What's Wrong, My Friend?

You Look Confused."

And Hans Said:

( Meek Voice: ) "Mr. Bear, I'm So Lost."

That's Right, Cliffy!

And Hugo Said:

"I Have Never Seen Anybody Walking Down This Slope..."