Original subtitles

Hi, Rudy.

Hi, Mommy.

I Didn't Do It.

Are You Telling Me The Truth?

Rudy, Why Did You Do This?

I Wanted To See If Daddy Could Look Like A Woman.

Well, He Doesn't Look Too Bad.

Cliff?

Cliff...

Hey. How You Doing?

Oh, Fine.

What You Laughing At?

Cliff, You Are So Beautiful.

And You're Beautiful, Too.

You Are Really Beautiful.

Go To The Mirror And Look.

Why?

Just... Go Look.

I Don't Have To.

!I Want You To See The New And Improved You.

And Who Do I Have To Thank For This?

Me. Are You Mad?

No. Why Did You Choose My Face To Express Yourself?

I'm Sorry.

Where Did You Get This Makeup, Rudy?

It's Vanessa's.

This Is Vanessa's Makeup?

Yes. I Got It Out Of Her School Bag.

I Think I'll Have A Talk With Vanessa.

I'll Join You.

No, This Isn't The Right Time

For Vanessa To See The New And Improved You.

Daddy?

Yes.

You Look Good.

(Knocking)

Come In.

Hello, Vanessa.

Hi, Mom.

How Are You?

Great. How Are You?

Oh, I'm Fine.

Rudy Found This In Your Book Bag.

She Did?

Mm-Hmm.

Mom, Talk To Her.

She Always Goes Through My Things.

It's An Invasion Of Privacy.

Do You Know What's In Here?

Well...

Vanessa?

It's Makeup.

The Rule In This House Is No Makeup Until You're 15.

Fifteen?!

Vanessa, You Knew That.

But You Never Said It To Me.

I Am Now. You Don't Need Makeup.

You're Putting It On So You Can Look Older.

Why Are You Trying To Grow Up So Fast?

Mom, I'm Not.

I'm 13 Years Old.

I'm Practically A Woman.

You Are Not A Woman. You Are A Child.

I'm A Young Woman.

You Are An Old Child.

Aren't I At Least A Beginning Woman?

Okay, Vanessa, You Are A Beginning Woman.

I Need Practice.

And At 15 You Will Get All The Practice You Need.

That Was The Rule For Sondra, Denise

And Now For You.

When Denise And Sondra Were 13, Things Were Different.

The "Earthy" Look Was In--

Sloppy Clothes, No Makeup.

But Now Everybody Wears Makeup.

I Don't Care.

Mother, All Of My Friends Are Wearing Makeup.

Rebecca's Mother Let's Her Wear Makeup.

I Am Not Rebecca's Mother.

If You Want To Live With Her Rules

Go Live In Her House.

No Makeup. Is That Clear?

Yes, Mom.

Good.

Life Is So Hard!

I Know.

And You're Just A Beginning Woman.

Ah, Smells Good!

Thank You.

Vegetable Stock.

I'm Going To Poach The Fish In It.

You Need Something With A Little Zest In There.

No, Cliff.

It Needs Cliff's Down-Home, Good-Enough-To-Eat-By-Itself

But-Tastes-Even-Better-With The Lemon Fish Sauce.

Are You Putting Anything Weird In This?

No. Just Some Lemon And Sawdust.

Cliff...

I'm Just Kidding.

What Happened With You And Miss Vanessa?

At 13, I Was Just Like That.

Really?

Drove My Mother Crazy.

I Wanted To Wear Makeup.

Why Is It Always Like That?

When We're 13, We Want To Be 16.

When We're 16, We Want To Be 18.

When We're 18, We Can't Wait Until We're 21.

Never Had That Problem.

All I Wanted To Do Was Just Enjoy The Age I Was.

You Never Wanted To Be Older?

No, Indeed.

Then Why Is It That When You Were 16 Years Old

You Dressed In One Of Your Father's Suits

With A Hat Pulled Down Over One Eye

And A Sad Little Mustache Penciled In?

That Had Nothing To Do With Looking Old.

I Wanted To Look Like Duke Ellington.

You Were Cute.

Really?

Oh, Yes.

I Still Have That Hat Upstairs In The Room.

You Should Wear It Later.

I Think I Can Find The Suit, Too.

You Won't Need The Suit.

I Said, "Later."

Daddy, Can I Have A Lemon?

Why?

I Want To Eat It.

Really? This Is A Lemon.

I Know That.

Aren't You Thinking About Oranges?

No, I'm Thinking Of Lemons.

Okay.

Mmm, Refreshing.

Rudy, Go Upstairs And Wash Up For Dinner.

All Right.

That's Your Child.

I Know.

Have You Seen The Fire Extinguishers?

Why, Son, Is There A Fire?

No, I Need To Find The Extinguishers.

In Our Health Class, We're Studying Fire Prevention.

I Have To Draw A Plan Of The House

Showing Where We Keep The Fire Extinguishers And Smoke Alarms.

That's A Good Assignment.

I Found The Smoke Alarms, But No Fire Extinguishers.

Well, They're In The House.

I Bought Them.

Where Are They?

Well... Um...

There's One In Each Car.

And Then, Uh...

In A Fire, You Would Not Have Time To Stop And Think.

You Should Know Exactly Where The Fire Extinguishers Are.

Yeah, Well, I Know Where They Are

Because I Move Them Around

So That The Fire Doesn't Know Where They Are.

Dad, This Is Serious.

As An Authority Figure Of This House

You Should Make Every Effort To Understand Fire Safety.

Theo Is Right. We Should Know More About This.

I Know Fire Safety.

That's What A Lot Of People Think.

Let Me Ask You This.

"True Or False:

"If A Grease Fire Breaks Out

You Should Throw Water On It Immediately."

True.

Wrong, Dad.

Water Will Spread A Grease Fire.

I Knew That.

You Knew That?

I Did Know That. You Use Baking Soda.

That's Good, Mom.

Or You Can Use

A Chemical-Based Fire Extinguisher.

Okay, Ask Me Another Question.

"On Electrical Fires

You Should Always Use A Fire Extinguisher."

There You Go. Always Use A Fire Extinguisher.

Wrong, Dad.

Wrong, What?

Some Fire Extinguishers Are Water-Based.

I Knew That, Too.

You Can Know Everything After The Answer Has Been Given.

Give Me This.

I'll Ask You A Question, Okay?

Okay.

"What Are The Three Most Important Things

You Should Do To Maintain Your Smoke Alarm?"

One: Test It.

Okay.

Two: Charge The Batteries At Least Every Year.

And Three: Vacuum The Alarm Every Three Months

To Make Sure It's Free From Dust Particles.

Wrong!

No, Dad.

It's Wrong! It's Wrong!

Sounded Right To Me.

Oh, Sure. It Sounded Right To You.

It Would Be A Good Idea

If This Family Had A Fire Drill.

I Agree.

Just Have It After Dinner.

It Has To Be A Surprise.

No, Son.

There's An Old Roman Saying:

"By Age, Not By Knowledge, Do You Acquire Wisdom."

Cliff?

Yes, Dear.

Wrong!

Wrong Again?

Wrong Again.

The Saying Is:

"Not By Age, But By Knowledge Is Wisdom Acquired."

Thanks, Mom.

Why Do You Always Pick On Me?

I'm Sorry.

Sorry?

I'm Going To Move Someplace

Where People Won't Make Fun Of Me.

You Better Go Alone.

What About Eye Shadow?

Nope.

How About Blush?

Uh-Uh.

Not Even Blush?

She Said I Can't Wear Any Makeup.

It's The Worst Day Of Your Life.

Rebecca, This Isn't The End. It's A New Beginning.

For What?

My Earthy Look.

Vanessa, You Can't Walk Around Like That.

Like What?

With Your Face Naked.

We Did It Last Year.

We Were Only 12.

We Didn't Have Our Look Together Yet.

My Mom Was Serious.

She Said She Doesn't Want To See Me In Makeup.

She Doesn't Want To See You, And She Won't.

You're Here.

That Is Not What She Meant.

That's What She Said.

Technically, You're Doing What She Said.

I Don't Think So, Rebecca.

Look At This-- "Ravishing Raspberry."

I Don't Know, Rebecca.

It's Made By An Italian Princess

Who Has A Famous Dermatology Firm

In New Jersey.

Really?

This Has Dehydrated Raspberries And Real Italian Mud.

And Since It's Made With Raspberries

It Doesn't Really Count As Makeup, Right?

Right.

Okay, I'll Try A Little.

You'll Feel Much Better.

What You Doing, Theo?

I'm Cleaning The Smoke Alarm.

How Come?

Well, It's Because...

What's Wrong?

Your Face.

What About It?

You've Got Junk Around Your Eyes.

I Do?

Yeah.

Oh, No!

Vanessa, Are You Wearing Makeup?

I Thought I Got It Off.

Vanessa, You Know You're Not Supposed To Wear Makeup.

I'll Get Some Cream. Mom Will Kill Me.

You Can't. Mom's Up There.

Use The Sink.

I Can't. It's Waterproof.

I Could Vacuum It Off.

You've Got To Help Me.

Go Upstairs And Get Some Cold Cream.

For $5.00.

This Is No Time To Play Around.

Okay, I'll Do It.

Thank You.

Vanessa?

Vanessa, Come Here.

Hi, Mom.

You Know I Don't Like You Wearing Sunglasses In The House.

Okay.

Vanessa?

Vanessa, Come Down Here, Please.

Look At Me.

Mm-Mm-Mmm.

When A Person Takes Off Her Sunglasses

It's Amazing What You Can See Around Her Eyes.

Mom, Could I Say One Thing?

Mm-Hmm.

I Didn't Plan To Put Makeup On.

I Was Talking To Rebecca, And Suddenly I Was Wearing It.

It's Like Temporary Insanity.

If You Look At My Record

You'll See I've Never Done Anything Like This

And I'll Never Do This Again.

Finished?

If You Think Of What I Could Have Been Doing

Vanessa. This Is Nothing...

Mom...

You Should Know That Every Word You Say

Is Only Going To Make Me Angrier.

Go Upstairs.

Don't Come Down Until You're Called.

Yes, Mom.

One Hundred...

Ninety-Nine...

Ninety-Eight...

Ninety-Seven...

You're Counting. Ninety-Six...

Yes, I Am. Ninety-Five...

Who Did It?

Vanessa. Ninety-Four...

What?

After All We Went Through Yesterday

She Showed Up Today Wearing Makeup.

No, She Didn't.

Yes, She Did.

I'm So Angry

I Told Her To Go Upstairs Until She's Called.

Good Idea.

Why Is It Always Like This When They're 13?!

I've Been Through Three Girls

And It's Always The Same Thing-- 13... Makeup.

I Have Good News For You.

You Only Have One More To Go-- Rudy.

When Rudy Turns 13, We Should Run Away From Home

Because I'll Be Too Old To Live Through This.

Let's Bring Rudy Down Here Now, Put Makeup On Her

And Start Yelling At Her.

(Knocking)

(Sigh)

Come In.

What Happened?

Nothing.

She Let You Off?

No, She Said To Wait Here Until I'm Called.

Whoa!

What?

She's So Mad She Needs Time To Cool Off.

She Is?

Yup. She Did It With Me Once.

It Was After I Put Her Watch In The Dishwasher.

I Wanted To See If It Was Waterproof Like The Commercial.

When Did You Do That?

When I Was 13.

I Don't Think What I Did Is That Bad.

She Told You Not To Wear Makeup, And You Did.

She Never Told Me

I Couldn't Put Her Watch In The Dishwasher.

(Knocking)

(♪Humming The Theme From "Dragnet"♪)

What's Going On?

Nothing, Rudy. I Think You Should Leave.

Why?

Mom Caught Vanessa With Makeup.

She's On Her Way Up.

You're Not Supposed To Wear Makeup.

Rudy, Get Out, Okay?

Rudy, You'd Better Go.

When Are We Having The Fire Drill?

Fire Drill-- Great Idea!

Let's Have It Now.

A Fire Drill Would Only Postpone Your Date With Doom.

(Authoritative Knocking)

Rudy: Hi.

Vanessa, We'd Like To Speak With You.

Good Luck.

Rudy, Please Leave.

Aw, Mom, You Always Say That.

We Always Mean It.

Could I Say One Thing?

One Short Thing.

I Did It, I'm Sorry... And I Should Be Punished.

We Know It, We Accept, And You Will Be.

I Just Have To Say This-- It Wasn't My Fault.

It Wasn't Your Fault? No.

I Went To School Saying, "I Won't Wear Makeup."

Then Rebecca Says I Really Need It.

We're Not Here To Talk About Makeup.

You're Not?

We're Here To Talk About Rules.

Your Father And I Expect You To Follow The Rules We Make.

We're Not Trying To Spoil Your Fun.

We Make Rules Because We Think They're Good For You.

Whether You Agree With Them Or Not

A Rule Is A Rule.

You Were Told Not To Do Something

And You Did It Anyway.

Don't Do That Again.

I Won't, Mom.

Cliff, Anything To Add?

Yeah.

See, I Think...

I'm Sorry, Mom.

I'm Sorry.

I Know...

See...

Clair: And I Love You...

But You're Grounded For A Year.

A Year?

I'll Settle For A Week.

And That's All I Have To Say.

Well, I Said Good Night To Vanessa.

How Is She?

Pitiful.

I Don't Know Who Made Up Grounding

But I'm Sure They Didn't Have Children.

The Next Time You And I Ground A Child

We Do It At Somebody Else's House

And Leave The Child There.

We've Survived Other Groundings. We'll Survive This One.

I Hope So.

(Theo Imitating Alarm Bell)

Theo: Fire Drill!

If You Hear The Alarm, Yell!

I Hear It!

Rudy And Vanessa:I Hear It!

Mom, Let's Go!

Okay, Okay.

Where's Dad?

He's In The Bathroom.

Dad, Come On.

Let's Go. Fire Drill.

Dad! Let's Go!

(Imitating Alarm Bell)

Cliff: What?

Come On. Fire Drill.

So What?

Dad, You've Got To Leave The House.

I'm Busy.

Dad, Come On. I'm Timing This.

Is The House On Fire?

When It Is, Let Me Know.

Come On, Dad, I'm Serious.

How Come When Your Mother's In Here, No One Bothers Her?

Every Time I'm In This Place,There's A Parade.

Please Get Downstairs As Soon As You Can.

Go Ahead. I Do Not Care.

What Are You Doing?

If There Was A Fire, You Wouldn't Be Inside.

It's Cold Outside.

Can We Just Stand On The Stoop?

Sure. Let's Go.

Where's Daddy?

We Can't Wait For Him.

Come On.

Theo: Fifty-Four Seconds-- Not Bad For The First Try.

Vanessa: I'm Cold.

Clair: Theo, Open The Door.

Okay. The Fire Drill Is Now Over.

Thank You.

Theo, Use Your Key.

My Key? Yes.

You Did Bring Your Key?

You Brought Us Out Here In The Cold

And You Don't Have A Key?!

Quit Complaining. I Saved Your Life.

Let's Not Fight About This.

Ring The Doorbell.

Your Father Will Come And Open This Door.

(Doorbell)

Cliff!

Dad!

Come On, Dad!

Dad,We'reCold!

Come On!

Wait A Minute.

Let's Not Disturb The Entire Neighborhood.

Vanessa, Check The Back Door.

Theo, Check The Basement Windows.

You And I Will Check The Windows On This Floor.

Okay...

I'll Make The Fire Drill Complete.

Okay, I'm Here.

Clair: Cliff, Don't...

(Slam)

Oh, Cliff...

(Knocking)