Original subtitles

Mom.

Yes?

Denise Is Going Away To College Tonight, Right?

Right.

Then We Need To Talk.

About What?

Vanessa Said She's Going To Move Into Denise's Room.

You'll Have Your Own Room.

I Don't Want It.

Why Not?

What If Somebody Comes In?

Like Who?

The Wolfman.

Oh, Rudy.

We Talked About The Wolfman.

He Exists Only In The Movies.

The People In The Movies Say That--

Then Wolfman Eats Them.

Oh, I See.

You Want Vanessa In Your Room

Just In Case The Wolfman Comes In.

He'd Eat Her First.

She's Much Bigger.

If You Think The Wolfman Is Coming Into Your Room

Come See Daddy And Me.

I May Not Have Time.

I'll Put A Plate Of Cookies Next To Your Bed.

If The Wolfman Comes In, He's Going To See Them.

While He's Eating Them You Can Get Away.

Good Idea!

He Likes Chocolate Chip.

Okay.

Thanks, Mom.

All Right.

Clair!

Yes?

How Was The Delivery?

Oh, Listen.

It Never Fails.

You Get A Woman Who Is 4'3"

Give Birth To A 12-Pound, 4-Ounce Baby.

So, How Is Bob?

His Brother Called And Said Bob Doesn't Need Bypass Surgery.

Wonderful.

The Doctor Unclogged That Artery With A Balloon.

Oh, Angioplasty.

He's Up And Around.

He'll Be Back To Work Soon.

Good For Him.

Bob's Brother Thinks It Had To Do With The Way Bob Eats.

Yeah, I Believe That.

You Know How He Liked Those Fried, Greasy Foods.

Of Course.

Oh, And The Fat.

The Man Practically Lived Off Of Cream Cheese

And Butter And Eggs.

You Know What Else He Had A Lot Of?

What's That?

Salt.

I Just Had A Physical

And Doctor Brooks Gave Me A Clean Bill Of Health.

Maybe, But You And Bob Eat The Same Foods

And You're The Same Age.

No, We Are Not The Same Age.

But Bob Is 50.

I'm Not 50.

Okay, So You're 49.

Dear, That's A Different Decade.

Cliff, That Is A Year.

OneYear.

Look, I Have The Metabolism Of A Young Man

And I Can Eat Whatever I Want To.

Why?

Because My Body Can Absorb It.

You've Seen Me Eat And You Know For Yourself

That I Have Never Been Full

In My Life.

That's Why You Get Up From The Dining Room Table

Unbuckle Your Belt

Go Into The Living Room, And Fall Asleep On The Couch?

Because I Work Hard.

Because You Eat Hard.

And Then You Wake Up From Your Nap

With Your Mouth All Dried Out

From All The Salt You Put All Over Your Food

Saying--

(Raspy Voice) "Clair, Clair, I Need Something To Drink.

"No, No, Clair.

"Not Water.

Something With Bubbles In It."

Why Are You Picking On Me?

Because You're 49 Years Old.

We've Already Established That.

Okay?

It's Time For You To Take Better Care Of Yourself.

You Have A Tendency To Eat Large Amounts Of Everything

Except Fruits And Vegetables

Which You Don't Eat Enough Of.

That's Where You're Wrong.

I Eat Raw Vegetables.

You've Seen Me Eat Them.

How Do You Eat Them?

I Put Them In My Mouth And Chew Them.

What Is The Matter With You?

You Take A Piece Of Celery

Wrap It In Bologna

And Dip It In Cream Cheese.

I Do That For The Taste.

You Are A Junk Food Junkie.

You Couldn't Stop Eating This Kind Of Food

For One Day If You Tried.

Do You Know Why?

Because You Are Weak And Sad.

I Will Have You Know That I Possess Something

That People Wish They Had.

And That Is The Huxtable Iron Will--

Which Was Given To Me By My Great-Grandfather--

Who Took A Piece Of Swampland

And Drained It With His Bare Hands

Built A 12-Room House With No Tools

Out Of Twigs, Leaves, And Rocks.

You Know Why?

Because Somebody Said He Couldn't Do It.

He Didn't Even Want The House.

So You Could Just Stop Eating This Kind Of Food

Just Like That?

Anytime I Wanted To

Because I Have An Iron Will.

I've Been Eating Like This Since I Was Four.

Yes, Darling.

But Now You Are Four-Ty Nine

And Your Little Arteries Don't Unclog The Way They Used To.

And Who Should Know

Better Than Me?

Would You Like To Unclog My Arteries?

Could You Not Eat That Sandwich?

Of Course I Could, If I Wanted To.

Don't Eat It.

You Think You're Psyching Me Out?

That's Really An Old Game.

I'll Tell You What I'm Going To Do.

I'm Not Going To Eat This Sandwich

Not Because You Said So

But Because I Say So.

I Will Not Eat It.

I Can Throw This Away.

No, No, No!

Don't Throw It Away.

Denise Loves This.

I'll Give It To Denise.

She's Going To College Tonight.

Cliff...

I Won't Eat It.

I Promise You As A Husband And A Gentleman.

My Lips Won't Touch This Sandwich.

You're Sure?

Okay.

Because The Lips That Touch This Sandwich

Will Never Touch Mine.

At Every College

They Bring The Freshmen Into This Big Room

Where They Tell You--

"Look To Your Left And Your Right.

Those People Won't Be Here When You Graduate."

Won't Some Of Them

Look At Me?

Yes.

Why Even Show Up?

If You Work Really Hard At Hillman, You'll Do Fine.

We Grew Fungus Like This In My Biology Class.

Hi, Everybody.

Can I Have Some?

No, This Is For Denise.

Before You Go Away To College.

Thank You.

However, I'll Share.

All Right.

Dad?

I Really Shouldn't.

No, No, Thank You.

This Is One Of Your Special Sandwiches!

We Always Share These.

Maybe Just A Goodbye Bite.

Just A Goodbye Bite.

To You...

And To Say Goodbye.

I Don't Believe You!

What?

You Are So Pitiful.

I Didn't...

You Couldn't Even Last Five Minutes.

What's Going On?

Your Father Promised

He'd Give Up Certain Foods For One Day.

Yeah, But...

Our Friend, Bob Ramsey--

Who Is The Same Age As Your Dad...

No, No, We're Not The Same Age.

He's A Year Older Than Your Father--

Has Developed A Heart Problem.

We Think It's Because Of What He Eats...

Foods That Your Father Has Promised Me

He'll Try To Avoid For One Day.

He'll Need A Little Help.

I Don't Need Help.

I Have Will.

Yes, Darling.

The Will Is Strong...

But The Flesh Is Weak.

I Have An Idea, Mom.

Oh, No.

Let's Make A List

Of All The Things Dad Shouldn't Have.

If We See Him Eating Anything From That List

We Can Stop Him.

Why Don't We Make A List Of How You Can Get Out Of This House?

Smells Good.

Bring On The Grub.

Better Enjoy It, Denise.

You Don't Get Food Like That In The Dorm.

She's Welcome Home Any Time.

Where's Theo?

He's At Cockroach's.

He'll Be Late.

We Can Start Without Him.

Hey, Chicken!

Mashed Potatoes.

That's Not For Us, Cliff.

We're Having Salads.

Salad, Sure.

I Love Salad.

So We're Having Salad

Then We'll Have Chicken And Mashed Potatoes.

No, The Salad Is Dinner.

Just For Today.

Just For Today?

Uh-Huh.

All Right.

Nothing Wrong With That.

Just For Today, A Little Salad.

Can I Have Some Chicken?

Uh-Huh.

Sorry, Dad.

It's Okay.

Stop! No Salt.

That's Right.

It's On The List.

Force Of Habit.

Thank You, Rudy.

Any Time, Dad.

I'm Happy You've Decided To Change Your Eating Habits.

I Hope You Stick To It.

Absolutely.

Good! Because Men Your Age, In Their Upper Middle Years

Have To Monitor Both Their Salt Intake And Their Cholesterol Level.

In Fact, Studies Show

That If You Lower Your Cholesterol Intake By 25%

You Reduce The Risk Of Having A Heart Attack By 50%.

Where Did You Learn That?

From My Nutrition Class.

Men In Dad's Age Group

Should Have A Cholesterol Level Of Around 200 Milligrams.

Yeah? What's Yours, Dad?

One Milligram.

Your Father's Cholesterol Level Is Normal.

I Think Dad Should Eat Whatever He Wants To.

You Do?

I Say If You're Going To Go--

Go Happy.

May I Have Some Dressing, Please?

It's On There.

No, I Mean The Kind Of Dressing You Can See.

I Can't See The Dressing.

It's Lemon Juice And A Splash Of Olive Oil.

No, I'm Talking About Dressing.

You Know Something That's Creamy And Cheesy

And I Can See It.

Sorry I'm Late.

Cockroach's Mom Made This Great Caribbean Dinner

And She Wouldn't Let Me Leave Till I Had Some.

What Did She Make?

It's Called Pulpeta, And It's Delicious.

It's A Sausage

That's Made From Beef And Pork And Ham--

And Onions And Boiled Eggs.

It Was Unbelievable.

I'm Going To Finish Packing.

I'll Help.

Who Wants To Do Dishes?

I Do.

I'll Help.

No. Theo, I Want To Show You Something.

Sure. Mom, I'll Be Back.

Okay.

What Did You Want To Show Me, Dad?

This.

It's Empty.

Dad, You Had A Big Salad.

I Want Some Food.

Sustenance.

Now.

What Can I Do About It?

I Want You To Go Over To Cockroach's House...

And I Want You To Ask His Mother

If She Will Make A Little Serving For Me Of The...

The Pulpeta.

Pulpeta.

Pulpeta.

You Mean With The Ham

And The Pork

And The Onions

And The Sauce.

Dad, I'm Not Sure If I Should Do This.

You Should. You Should.

Dad, Isn't It Dishonest?

Yes.

Dad, Mom May Not Like This.

You're Getting Your Driver's License This Year, Right?

Well, Yeah.

And You're Going To Need A Car

And Denise Won't Be Here, Right?

Right.

Now, You Bring The Pulpeta

And You And I Can Discuss Borrowing Denise's Car.

You Got It, Dad.

I'll Be Down In My Office.

Hurry.

Okay.

(Knocking)

Mr. Pulpeta?

Si, Papacita.

Come In, Come In.

There You Go.

This Is Fabulous.

Did Anybody See You Come Down Here?

Nope. Came Through The Front Door And Right Down.

All Right.

Oh, Sustenance.

Thank You, My Son...

Dad, We Don't Have To Talk About Denise's Car.

We Don't? Why?

I Already Asked About Borrowing It.

She Said No.

I Brought The Food Anyway Because You're So Desperate.

Son, That's About To End, Right Now...

(Knocking)

Clair: Cliff?!

Yes?

Denise Needs Some Help

Getting Her Suitcases Downstairs.

I'll Be Up In A Minute, Dear.

Thank You.

Oh, And Cliff...

Walter's Mother Called

And Asked If You Are Enjoying Your Pulpeta.

Are You Enjoying Your Pulpeta?

I Have No Idea What You're Talking About.

And Theo, Are You In There, Too?

Kind Of.

Son, When You're Done

Running Around Like A Little Rat

Taking People Food They're Not Supposed To Have

I'll Need Your Assistance, Too.

Thank You.

Dad...

I Think I Am Going To Need That Car To Get Out Of Town.

I'll Drive.

I Feel Like We're All Going Away.

We Can't Be.

If We Were, There Would Be Less Luggage.

When Are We Getting Denise's Trunk Out Of My Room?

When We Get Back From The Airport.

Good, Because When I Think Of What Was In It... Ich.

Even If We Get It Out

Your Room May Still Be Haunted By The Frog's Ghost.

Frog Ghosts?

No, Rudy.

Dad's Just Kidding.

Okay, Guys, Get Ready.

I'll Bring The Car Around.

I Didn't Realize I Packed So Much.

There's Nothing Left But Our Furniture.

Actually, I Could Use This Couch.

Sure, If You Can Carry It.

Maybe When I Come Home Next Time.

I'm Planning To Come Home A Lot.

You'd Better.

Virginia's Only An Hour By Plane.

Denise, There's One Thing.

Before You Leave

Your Father Will Take You Aside To Give You A Little Talk

Just Like He Did With Sondra

And He'll Say

"I Feel Like I'm Forgetting To Tell You Something."

He'll Say That Over And Over Again.

Just Listen To Him

And You'll Understand What He Means.

Okay.

I Want You To Know That I Am Very Proud Of You.

I'm Going To Miss You.

Not Because I Love You...

But Because I Like You.

I Like You, Too.

Dad Says We'll Be Late.

Let's Go.

I'll Be Right There.

(Sigh)

Clair.

I Want To Thank You For Today.

The Diet.

I'm Telling You

My Blood

Flows Through My Veins

Clear

And Pure.

And I Feel

Healthy...

And Hungry.

I Want A Snack.

Please?

Can I Have A Snack?

Cliff, I Thought You Might Feel This Way.

Have I Got Something For You.

Yes, Man Of Iron...

Ta-Da!

What Is It?

Delicious Rice Cakes.

Thirty-Five Calories, Cliff.

Zero Salt.

Zero Fat.

Zero Cholesterol.

Zero Taste.

The Air In My Mouth Tastes Better Than This.

This Is Not Right, Dear.

I Want Something I Can Savor. Something With Some Flavor.

All Right, Honey.

You Can Have Those Foods That You Like.

I Can?

Sure, But You Can't Go Overboard.

Oh, Tomorrow...

Pulpeta.

No, No, No.

I Must Have...

No... (Knock) Yes?

What Are You Doing Up?

I Can't Sleep. Vanessa's Not In My Room.

Are You Afraid?

No, I Miss Her Breathing.

Want To Come In Here With Us?

Yeah.

Daddy, You're Eating In Bed.

It's All Right. It's Not Real Food.

Can I Have It?

Yeah.

I Like These

But They're Not As Good As The Chocolate Chip Cookies

Mommy Left In My Room.