Original subtitles

(Imitates Julia Child)

And Now We Slice The Celery... Ever So Carefully.

Taking It Straight Down The Line.

Daddy, Do You Know Where My Red T-Shirt Is?

I Sure Do.

It's Down In The Dryer.

When Will You Bring It Up?

Why Should I Bring It Up?

You Put It In.

Well, The Load Is Finished

And I Think You Can Go Down And Get It.

All Right.

While You're There

Take The Other Clothes Out

And Fold Them.

I Have To Do Everything.

It's A Pitiful Life.

It's Going To Be So Dynamic.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Dr. Huxtable.

What's So Dynamic?

My Party.

Cockroach's Parents Said He Could Have A Party.

It's Going To Be Me, Theo

And 20 Of The Most Incredible Women At School.

Twenty Incredible Women And Just You And Theo?

That's Right.

And Only The High-Voltage Women.

"High-Voltage"?

They Have To Be A Least A 500-Watt Bulb

To Get In.

Wait A Minute.

I Thought You And Tanya Were Going Steady.

Well, Yeah, We Are

But She's Going To Be Out Of Town.

And You Don't Think She's Going To Mind?

I'm Doing This For Cockroach.

It's His Party.

It Could Be All Guys For All I Care.

Now Look Me Straight In The Face

And Not Smile

And Say That Again.

It Could Be All Guys For...

My Son Cannot Tell A Lie Without Laughing.

Theo, Let's Start On These Invitations.

(Scream)

What's The Matter? What's The...

What's The Matter?

Snake! Snake!

A What? A Snake!

Where?

Down In The Basement.

Wait A Minute. Get Yourself Together.

No, No, No!

Is There Really A Snake Down There

Or Is This A Person

Who Does Not Want To Fold Clothes?

But Daddy, There's Really A Snake Down There.

Fellas, Go Down And See

If There's A Snake In The Basement.

Sure, Dad.

Just Settle Yourself Down.

Let's Talk...

But Daddy, I Saw It...

If You Saw It, Fine.

But Daddy...

We Will Talk About It.

What's Going On?

Rudy Says She Saw A Snake In The Basement.

Come On, Dad. A Snake?

But There Is.

It Was Probably Just A Hose.

No, It Was A Snake.

It Tried To Bite Me, But I Ran Real Fast.

Let Me Ask You A Question.

Would You Recognize It

If You Saw A Picture Of It?

Yes.

Vanessa, Would You Please Get The Reptile Book.

Are You Serious?

I Am Very, Very Serious

Because We Have To Recognize The Snake.

Oh, Okay. I Got You Now.

Daddy, That Snake Was Scary.

Well, It's All Right To Be Afraid Of A Snake

Because Some Are Poisonous.

But Then The Others Are Harmless.

I Hate Them All.

Why?

Because They Stick Their Tongues Out Like This.

Okay, Here We Go--

"The Reptile Family."

Sort Of A "Who's Who" Of Snakes.

Okay...

That's It!

That's It.

This Is The Snake?

That's An Anaconda.

It Lives In Brazil.

Rudy, It's 25 Feet Long And Weighs 200 Pounds.

That's What I Saw.

I Don't Think This Snake Lives In The United States.

It Could Come For A Visit.

We Saw It.

We Saw The Snake.

I Told You.

It's About This Long.

And It's Kind Of Greenish-Brown.

Was It Poisonous?

I Didn't Ask It.

We Have To Do Something.

It Could Be Poisonous.

Son, Would You Take A Look, Please

And Tell Me What You Saw Downstairs.

I Saw This Movie

Where This Lady Lived In An Old, Creepy House.

One Stormy Night She Opened The Closet--

A Snake Jumped Out

And Wrapped Itself Around Her Head.

I Saw That Movie.

She Was Choking And Rolling On The Floor.

Vanessa, Please.

But It Didn't Hurt Her.

It Was Just Playing.

Here It Is.

Is It Poisonous?

No, It's Non-Venomous.

It's A Common Garter Snake.

They're Harmless.

It's Harmless, Dear.

It's Still In Our House.

What Should We Do?

Kill It.

Rudy, Please.

Snap It In Half.

We're Not Going To Kill It.

We're Not Going To Snap It In Half.

We'll Catch It.

I Will Catch It.

Dr. Heathcliff "Bring 'Em Back Alive" Huxtable

Will Catch The Snake.

I Need To Round Up A Posse To Help Me.

Not Me.

Count Me In.

Count Me Out.

I'll Be At Pamela's.

Walter, Would You Please Look After Rudy?

Oh, Sure.

This Snake Is Out Of Here.

Now Wait.

You Can't Go Down There With An Attitude.

This Is Not "Wild Kingdom."

Okay, Where Did You See It?

Over There By The Dryer.

How Big Did You Say It Was?

About This Big.

Okay, Show Me Where You Saw It.

Over There.

What?

You're Afraid.

No, I Just Don't Want It On Me.

Come On.

Now, Get The Gloves So I Can Pick It Up.

You Say It's Right Here?

Yeah.

Okay.

(Hiss)

(Scream)

Oh, Boy!

That's Not Funny.

Don't Fool Around Now.

Come On.

Dad, It's Over There!

I Saw Its Tail.

Dad, It's Right There!

Don't Push Me.

Don't Push Me!

Don't Push Me.

Now Stop Fooling Around.

You'll Frighten The Snake.

Okay, Get The Pillowcase.

Now What We'll Do Is...

You Get Over Here.

Okay.

I'll Lift This Back

And When It Runs That Way

You Scoop It Up In The Pillowcase.

Got It?

What If It Gets Angry And It Jumps Up In My Face?

Okay, On The Count Of Three.

Three.

(Scream)

Dad, It Went Between My Legs.

It's Over There.

We Have To Get This Thing Out Of Here

Before It Climbs Up The Steps.

Dad, Snakes Can't Climb Stairs.

They Can't?

How Did You Know That?

It's A Scientific Fact.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

We Have To Catch It.

You Know, It May Not Be Easy.

There's A Lot Of Places For It To Hide.

I Knew It Was You.

You Knew It Was Me?

I Knew. All The Time?

Come On.

(Hissing)

One, Two, Three.

Scissors Cut Paper.

I Win Again.

No Licking.

Okay, Ready?

(Doorbell)

I'll Get It.

Hey, Pete, How's It Going?

Hi, Peter.

Want To Play?

All Right.

Guess What?

What?

We Have A Snake.

Where?

In The House.

Hi, Walter.

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.

Hi, Denise.

How You Doing?

Mommy, Guess What?

What?

We Have A Snake In The House.

A Snake?

You Mean A Toy Snake?

No, I Mean A For-Real Snake.

Hey.

Did You Catch It?

Well, We Tried, But We Couldn't.

We Only Saw It Once. That Thing Is Fast.

Cliff, What Is Going On?

We Just Have A Little Visitor In The House--

A Little Garter Snake.

And It's Alive?

Denise, Don't Worry. I'm Here For You.

Thanks.

Mommy, Can You Catch It?

Honey, I'm Sure Your Father Did Everything He Could.

Maybe The Snake Left The House.

Huh?

Yeah.

See?

Could I Speak To You In The Kitchen?

Sure, Sure.

I'll Be Right Back.

Okay.

Won't Be Gone But A Minute.

And Rudy...

Don't Worry About Some Little Old Tired Snake.

Cliff, I Want It Out Of My House.

Yeah, Well...

I Don't Care How You Do It, But Get It Out Of Here Now.

Well, See...

No, Cliff. No!

This Is My House, Too.

Yes, I Know That

But Aren't You The Same Person

Who Just Told The Baby That The Snake May Have Left?

I Said That For Rudy's Sake.

Okay.

Theo And I Tried To Find The Snake.

Cliff, Don't Laugh At Me.

No, I'm Not Laughing.

Cliff, Go Down In That Basement

And Find That Snake And Get It Out Of Here.

We're Trying To Find It.

You'd Better

If You Want Me To Stick Around.

I Want You To Stick Around.

You Know How I Feel About Snakes.

I Do?

Don't Play Innocent.

I Was Never Afraid Of Snakes Until You Did What You Did.

I Was 12 Years Old.

Sneaking Up And Throwing That Rubber Snake

Across My Shoulders.

I Only Did That To Show You That I Liked You.

Cliff, You Could Have Thrown Flowers.

If I Had Done That

Then You'd Be Afraid Of Gardens Today.

What Are You Doing Now?

I'm Getting Somebody To Catch It.

Who?

I Don't Know--

The Zoo.

The Zoo?

The Zoo Does Not Want A Garter Snake.

Garter Snakes Go To The Zoo To See Real Snakes.

Then I'll Call An Exterminator.

For What?

Cliff, I Am Not Going To Have

A Scaly, Wiggly Fork-Tongued Creature

Crawling Across My Kitchen Table.

Okay, Okay.

But The Thing Cannot Come Up The Steps.

How Do You Know?

Snakes Cannot Climb Stairs.

Who Told You That?

It Is A Scientific Fact.

Then How Do Snakes Get Into Trees?

They Fall Off The Cliff.

I'm Calling The Exterminator.

How Does This Sound For The Invitation?

"Party At Cockroach's House-- All Night Long.

Be There."

My Parents Said

The Party Has To Be Over At 10:30.

That's A Drag.

Wait Till I Get My Own Apartment.

We Should Get A Place Together After High School.

Definitely!

Picture It--

A Big Bachelor Pad Overlooking The River.

With Dimmers On All The Lights.

A Bearskin Rug On The Floor--

In Every Room.

(Knocking)

Come In.

Hey, Dinner's Almost Ready.

Denise, Would You Like To Come To A Party Next Saturday?

I'm Sorry, But I'm Leaving For College Next Saturday.

In A Few Years, You Can Come To A Party

At Our Apartment Overlooking The River.

The River.

We're Going To Fill The Place With Things Women Love

Like Bearskin Rugs.

Oh, Yeah, We Love Those Things.

You Know What Else We Love?

Curtains That Open And Close By Remote Control.

Remember That.

It Is Not That Easy To Find A Snake In The Basement.

That Man Is A Professional.

He Knows What He's Doing.

Mom, If The Exterminator Catches The Snake

Will He Kill It?

I Asked Him Not To.

The Snake Is A Living Creature.

I Believe That All Life Is Precious.

What About Spiders?

Spiders, Too.

What About Sharks?

What About Slugs?

Let's Eat.

Thanks For Letting Me Stay For Dinner.

That's About It.

You Caught The Snake.

I Didn't Even See It, And I Looked Everywhere--

In The Rafters, In Storage Boxes

Under The Sink.

Would You Say, As A Professional

It's Tough To Find A Snake In The Basement?

It's Almost Impossible.

Especially In The Basement.

People Got Something They Don't Want

They Stick It In The Basement.

Lots Of Hiding Places--

Snake Heaven.

Well, Thank You Very Much.

How Much Do We Owe You?

No Charge.

It's My Pleasure.

Can't We Pay You Something?

No, Thanks.

But Don't Tell Anybody I Couldn't Find The Snake.

Take Care.

Bye, Folks.

Did You Hear Him?

This Thing Could Get To Be Four Feet Long.

It Can Be Anywhere.

Even Air Ducts.

What Are You Going To Do?

I'm Going To Grandma's House.

Rudy In Bed?

Yeah, She's Sleeping With Vanessa.

She Was So Scared

She Wouldn't Get Into Bed Until I Checked Under The Covers.

That's Terrible, Being Afraid.

When I Was Young, I Hated Being Scared.

You Are Kidding Me!

You Used To Make Me Take You To See Scary Movies.

You Would Say

"I Want To See The Haunted House.

I Want To See The Vampire That Ate Up Detroit."

Those Old, Silly Movies Didn't Scare Me.

You Lie.

No, They Didn't.

You Used To Sit Next To Me And Squeeze My Hand.

Then You'd Hug Me And Bury Your Head In My Chest.

Why Do You Think I Wanted To See Those Movies?

Haunted Houses...

And Here Comes Dracula.

(Growling)

I Love It.

Bite, Bite, Bite, Bite, Bite.

Oohhhhh.

Cliff!

Oh, Cliff.

Cliff, The Snake.

It's Over There By The Fireplace.

Look!

Cliff, Look!

What?

What Is It?

The Snake.

The Snake Is By The Fireplace.

Cliff, I'm Going To Scream.

You'll Wake Up The Children.

I Have To Scream.

Use The Pillow.

(Muffled Scream)

Stop, Stop.

Okay, I'll Go Get Theo.

Don't Leave Me Here By Myself.

You Get Theo.

I'm Not Getting Out Of This Bed.

I've Got To Have Some Help.

You've Got To Help Me, All Right?

Cliff, Try To Get The...

Oohhh, Cliff, It's Coming This Way!

Okay, It's Coming This Way.

You've Got To Calm Down.

You Have To Calm Down.

There You Go.

Calm Down.

I'll Get The Snake For You.

There You Go.

Okay, Where Is It?

Where Did It...

There It Is.

Okay, Now, Give Me This.

Take This, Go Over On That Side

Open This Up, And Just Put It Down.

I'll Chase The Snake That Way.

You Just Go Like This.

Come On, Get Ready.

When I Count Three, I'll Scare Him That Way.

Okay.

Okay.

He's Already Over There.

Ohh!

Stay Right Where You Are.

It's Over There.

Now...

He's Here.

I'm Going To Frighten Him That Way.

You Drop The Pillowcase, Scoop Him Up, All Right?

Okay, You Got It?

All Right, Now I'll Scare Him...

Hi, Little Fella.

You Climb Up The Steps All By Yourself?

Cliff, Don't Talk To Him.

Here We Go. On The Count Of Three.

One, Two, Three.

(Yelling)

Cliff!

Did You Get Him?

I Got It!

You Got It?

Yes, I Got It.

I Got The Snake.

I Caught It.

All Right!

Here, Give It To Me.

(Knocking)

Yes.

What's Going On?

I Caught The Snake.

Hey, Way To Go, Mom.

What Are You Going To Do With It?

I'm Going To Take It Out To The Country

And Set It Free.

Can I See The Snake?

You Want To?

Yes.

Okay.

Stay There.

Do You Really Want To See It?

Yes.

Okay, Here.

It's Not Very Big.

It's Kind Of Cute--

For A Snake.

Mom, Do You Want To See It?

I've Already Seen It.

I'm Going To Set It Free.

I Am So Glad That Is Over.

Me, Too.

Let's Get Some Sleep, Huh?

Okay.

Good Night.

Good Night.

I Hope It Didn't Have Babies.

(Muffled Screams)