Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CAPITAL CITIESABC, INC.

I ALREADY PAID FOR 67 10' 2 x 4s.

YOU SENT ME 42.

OF COURSE I COUNTED THEM.

I'VE GOT THE RECEIPT.

THERE'S A JOB TO FILL.

I NEED THOSE 2 x 4s.

DARLENE, GIVE IT HERE!

GET OUT OF HERE!

I WON'T BRING THE RECEIPT.

YOU'LL BRING THE 2 x 4s.

MOTHER!

SHH! DAD'S ON THE PHONE!

BRING THE LUMBER.

SHE STOLE MY HAIRBRUSH.

DAD'S ON THE PHONE!

BUT SHE'S USING MY HAIRBRUSH!

I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME ANYWHERE.

LOOK, I'M A REGULAR CUSTOMER.

GIVE ME THAT BRUSH!

I DON'T CARE WHOSE HAIRBRUSH IT IS. SHH!

ROSEANNE, I'M ON THE PHONE.

NOW YOU GOT ME IN TROUBLE.

DARLENE IS ALWAYS TAKING MY STUFF.

SHE TAKES MY STUFF, TOO.

OH, YOU BE QUIET.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY STUFF.

BUT, MOM, YOU GOT ME THIS HAIRBRUSH--

THE NEXT PERSON WHO SAYS "HAIRBRUSH"

GETS THEIR HEAD SHAVED OFF BALD.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

OH, BITE IT.

I WANT TO SEE THAT LUMBER FIRST THING TOMORROW.

PERIOD.

PERIOD.

VRROOM!

D.J., PLEASE DON'T DRIVE YOUR TRUCK

ON MY BLUEPRINTS.

HA HA HA.

VRROOM! VRROOM!

VRROOM! VRROOM!

THEY SHORTED ME 12 LUMBER PIECES.

MAY THEY ROT IN HELL.

I GOT THE RECEIPT.

I GOT SOMETHING THAT WILL CHEER YOU UP.

25 2 x 4s?

YEAH, AND GUESS WHAT ELSE.

THIS OFFICIAL ENTRY BLANK

FOR THAT COUNTRY-WESTERN RADIO STATION

SONGWRITING CONTEST.

SO? I AIN'T ENTERING NO CONTEST.

IT'D BE A HOOT.

YOU'RE THE WRITER. YOU DO IT.

I DON'T GOT NO MUSICAL TALENT.

YOU'VE GOT THE TRUNKFUL OF SONGS.

I WROTE THAT STUFF YEARS AGO.

DIG ONE OUT. SEND IT IT.

NO WAY.

COME ON. YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT.

NO. NO CONTEST FOR THIS COWBOY.

WHAT...

WHAT COULD YOU WIN?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ENTER IT ANYWAY.

I'M JUST CURIOUS.

FIRST PRIZE IS $100

PLUS HEARING YOUR SONG ON THE RADIO.

AH, I AIN'T GOT NO TALENT.

COME ON. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO DO IT.

IT WOULD BE KIND OF NICE

HEARING MY SONG ON THE RADIO.

YOU CAN NO LONGER DEPRIVE THE WORLD

OF YOUR SPECIAL TALENT.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

OF COURSE I'M RIGHT.

YOU NEED TO CUT IT LOOSE

AND SET IT FREE.

DO IT FOR HUMANITY!

DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!

DO IT FOR THE STINKING 100 BUCKS.

BINGO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT.

YOUR BREAK ISN'T FOR TWO MINUTES.

THEN I'LL GO BACK TO WORK TWO MINUTES EARLY.

SIT DOWN, HARRIS.

SIT DOWN.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.

I DO?

OH, YEAH.

MAYBE WE SHOULD, UH,

WORK ON IT SOMEPLACE OUTSIDE OF THE WORKPLACE.

WHERE WOULD YOU SUGGEST?

THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR CAR?

NO, I WAS THINKING

MORE ALONG THE LINES OF MY APARTMENT.

THERE IS NO WAY

THAT I'LL END UP A NOTCH ON YOUR BEDPOST.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

YOU THINK I'M COMING ON TO YOU?

IT CROSSED MY MIND.

NO. NO, SEE, I'M--

I'M JUST TRYING TO IMPROVE...

EMPLOYEE-MANAGEMENT RELATIONS.

NICE SAVE, BOOKER.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT LOOKS LIKE A PHONE NUMBER.

LET'S WORK ON THAT ATTITUDE.

ROSEANNE, WHAT KIND OF SONG IS DAN ENTERING?

HE HASN'T EVEN DECIDED YET.

I'LL BET IT'S ROMANTIC.

YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH A LOVE SONG.

LOVE SONGS ARE HOKEY.

WRITE SOMETHING I CAN DANCE TO.

GET DOWN, SYLVIA.

IT'S A COUNTRY-WESTERN STATION, RIGHT?

THEN ALL THAT COUNTS IS THE TITLE.

I GUESS YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON THAT, TOO.

THAT HAPPENS TO BE TRUE.

LOOK AT TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT.

IT'S JUST THE TITLES.

DAN SHOULD WRITE A ROAD SONG.

GOSH, I LOVE ROAD SONGS

WHEN THAT WHISKEY-VOICED GUY

SINGS ABOUT HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS.

WHAT EXACTLY IS THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A HIGHWAY AND A BYWAY?

OK, A HIGHWAY IS THE MAIN ROAD.

THE BYWAY IS THE ROAD

THAT RUNS RIGHT ALONG BY IT.

NO. NO. THAT'S AN ACCESS ROAD.

A BYWAY'S A ROAD THAT GOES AROUND SOMETHING.

NO. THAT'S A BYPASS.

THERE ARE NO DIFFERENCES

BETWEEN HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS, OK?

I'M GLAD YOU KNOW THAT.

NOW WE'LL ALL SLEEP TONIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT PEOPLE LIKE--

HARDSHIP SONGS.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A HARDSHIP SONG

TO SET MY TOES TO TAPPIN'.

THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BEST SONGS ARE ABOUT--

PAIN, MISERY...

YOU KNOW, REAL LIFE.

MY LIFE.

MY PARENTS KICKED ME OUT AT 16.

MOVED IN WITH CRAZY AUNT INA AND HER CATS.

MARRIED AT 17, WIDOWED AT 18.

TORNADO CARRIED AWAY MY CAR.

HOSPITALIZED FOR PNEUMONIA.

EVERYBODY SING!

MOM.

THE ONE AND ONLY.

WHERE'S DAD?

HE'S IN THE GARAGE, HONEY,

STRUGGLING WITH THE MUSES.

HE NEEDS TO FIX MY TRUCK.

WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?

THE WHEEL FELL OFF.

GIVE IT TO ME.

YOU CAN'T FIX TRUCKS.

YES, I CAN.

I'M A MOM.

DADS FIX TRUCKS.

GIVE ME THAT.

LET'S GO SIT DOWN HERE.

DON'T TOUCH THAT.

I DIDN'T TOUCH IT!

MOM.

HUH?

YOU HEAR THAT?

BECKY AND DARLENE ARE FIGHTING AGAIN.

THEY'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.

ME, TOO.

I'VE HAD IT.

ME, TOO.

THEY SAY THEY'LL BE QUIET, BUT NEVER ARE.

YEAH, NEVER.

NEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

WHAT?

THEY'RE ALWAYS IN THE BATHROOM.

THEY'RE HORRIBLE, ROTTEN GIRLS.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THEM?

KILL THEM.

NAH, THEN I'D JUST HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.

I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEM

TILL THEY MOVE OUT.

YEAH.

WELL...

HERE YOU GO.

ONE FIXED TRUCK.

THANKS.

VRROOM!

VRROOM!

JUST SHUT UP, DARLENE!

IT'S HALF MY ROOM, TOO,

YOU CAN HAVE BOTH HALVES. I DON'T CARE.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

YOU ARE, YOU SLOB.

YOU USED TO BE NORMAL.

YEAH, UNTIL YOU WERE BORN.

KNOCK IT OFF.

I WISH THEY'D LEFT YOU AT THAT HOSPITAL.

SHUT UP, BECKY!

MOM!

SHE'S NOT HERE.

I CANNOT SHARE THE SAME ROOM WITH HER.

AND WHOM, PRAY TELL, ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

MOTHER, PLEASE, YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT--

THE PIG.

HERE'S YOUR FILTHY, DISGUSTING PILLOW.

ALL YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK IS FIGHTING.

STOP IT.

DARLENE LEAVES HER GRUNGY STUFF

ALL OVER MY SIDE OF THE ROOM.

IF I LEAVE ANYTHING ANYWHERE,

SHE GOES INTO CONVULSIONS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.

GIVE ME THAT PILLOW.

GIVE ME THAT BLANKET, TOO.

NOW, TURN AROUND AND FACE EACH OTHER.

NOW, I WANT YOU TWO TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

MOTHER.

RIP EACH OTHER APART LIMB FROM LIMB,

AND WHOEVER'S LEFT STANDING

GETS TO KEEP THE ROOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO DO.

I HAVE ANOTHER PLAN.

I HATE WHEN SHE DOES THIS.

GET THE MASKING TAPE--

PUT A LINE DOWN THE CENTER.

AND STAY SEPARATED.

MOM, THAT NEVER WORKS.

YOU MAKE IT WORK, GIRLS.

FINE. I'LL GET THE TAPE.

I'LL GET THE TAPE.

I'M GETTING THE TAPE!

I'M GETTING MY TUBES TIED.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

THANKS, BABY. PUT IT DOWN HERE.

THIS DRILL HASN'T WORKED SINCE I BOUGHT IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMPOSING.

I TRIED A FEW THINGS,

BUT, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST WASN'T INSPIRED.

WELL, I'M HERE NOW.

AND YET, SOMEHOW, I'M STILL NOT INSPIRED.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WRITE NO SONGS,

DIG OUT SOME OF THESE TO SEND IN.

BELIEVE ME, THERE'S NOTHING WORTH SENDING.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

THERE'S AN UNDISCOVERED MASTERPIECE IN HERE.

TRUST ME. THEY ALL SUCK MUD.

I'M A SMALL-TIME CONTRACTOR,

NOT A BIG-TIME COMPOSER.

WELL, THIS IS NO BIG-TIME CONTEST.

WHAT IS THIS?

"OOH, BABY, BABY, GIVE IT TO ME.

HEY, BABY, BABY, GIVE IT TO ME."

GIVE IT TO ME.

HA HA HA.

IT WAS, UH...

IT WAS A DANCE HIT.

IN THE SEVENTIES, I GUESS.

THE LYRICS WEREN'T IMPORTANT.

I WAS MOVED.

I WAS READY TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

OH. YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY BAD?

IS IT WORSE THAN THAT ONE?

MUCH WORSE. ALMOST CRIMINAL.

OOH, BABY, BABY, GIVE IT TO ME.

OH. I WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS 19.

LET'S SEE.

"BLUEBERRY FANTASY, TANGERINE DREAM...

♪ LOVE IS A RAINBOW ♪

OF INCENSE AND CREAM ♪

OH, NOW I KNOW

WHY YOU CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR TEEN YEARS.

IT MARKED THE END OF MY PSYCHEDELIC PERIOD.

THAT'S THE ONE. SEND THAT IN.

LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE CONTEST

AND CLEAN THIS UP.

OK, YOU'RE THE BOSS.

I'M SORRY.

FOR A MINUTE THERE,

I THOUGHT YOU SAID I WAS THE BOSS.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S NOTHING. JUST SOMETHING I WAS WORKING ON.

HEY, LET ME HEAR IT.

IT DOESN'T HAVE A TUNE YET.

SO? I WANT TO HEAR IT ANYWAY.

I'M KIND OF RUSTY. LET'S SEE.

♪ THERE'S A RIVER ♪

♪ THERE'S A RIVER ♪

♪ HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS ♪

♪ THAT'S BEEN FLOWIN' SINCE WHO KNOWS WHEN ♪

I LIKE IT!

YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE IT?

UH-UH.

♪ NO ONE'S SURE JUST HOW IT STARTED ♪

♪ BUT IT'S NEVER GONNA END ♪

IT'S ONE OF YOUR POEMS.

GOSH, THAT IS!

YOU SAVED IT?

I'VE SAVED EVERYTHING YOU'VE WRITTEN,

EXCEPT FOR SOME NOTES ON THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR.

THAT'S SO SWEET.

YOU LIKE IT?

YEAH!

WELL, IT'S HALF YOURS.

MAYBE IF I GOOSE IT UP.

♪ THERE'S A RIVER HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS ♪

♪ THAT'S BEEN FLOWIN' SINCE WHO KNOWS WHEN ♪

♪ NO ONE'S SURE JUST HOW IT STARTED ♪

♪ BUT IT'S NEVER GONNA END ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS LIKE THAT RIVER ♪

♪ FLOWIN' THROUGH ALL TIME ♪

♪ HEAVEN KNOWS I'D NEED YOU ♪

♪ AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ♪

♪ HEAVEN KNOWS HOW I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ♪

OH, BEAUTIFUL!

YEAH?

YOU LIKE THAT?

IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

IT'S GOOD ENOUGH TO ENTER?

IT'S GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN.

REALLY?

I REALLY, REALLY DO!

WHEN WE GO ON TOUR,

THE KIDS AIN'T COMING. RIGHT?

RIGHT.

SO YOU AND DAN WILL BE COUNTRY AND WESTERN SUPERSTARS?

GO AWAY, PETE.

YOU THINK YOU'LL WIN THAT CONTEST?

YES, WE'LL WIN THAT CONTEST.

THEN WE'LL SNAG A RECORDING CONTRACT,

PACK UP THE KIDS AND MOVE TO NASHVILLE.

HEE HAW!

WE'LL BUY PLATINUM BLONDE WIGS.

I'LL CHANGE THE KIDS' MIDDLE NAMES TO BOB.

LIKE BECKY BOB, DARLENE BOB, D.J. BOB.

I'M GOING TO BE LISTENING TO MY RADIO TONIGHT.

THAT SONG BETTER BE GOOD.

GO AWAY, PETE.

CRYSTAL, HAND ME THAT THING.

AAH!

WHAT'S WRONG?

A COCKROACH! THERE. KILL IT!

YOU KILL IT. IT'S ON YOUR SIDE.

DO SOMETHING!

THERE.

CAN WE GO BACK TO WORK NOW?

BOOKER.

I KILLED A COCKROACH.

YOU BETTER TAKE HIM OFF THE PAYROLL.

DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE BUGS.

I'LL CALL AN EXTERMINATOR.

WOO! WOO!

WOO WOO WOO!

GET BACK TO WORK.

OK.

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!

HARRIS, I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE.

NOW.

OOH.

SIS, TAKE THE WRENCH!

LET'S GO.

COME ON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

HAVING A LITTLE FUN.

FUN? THIS IS WORK.

IT'S A SERIOUS MATTER!

STUFF LIKE THAT LEADS TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.

YOU'D QUIT OVER THAT?

NOT ME. YOU.

WHAT'S THE REASON FOR DISMISSAL?

UNCONTROLLABLE LUST.

BOOKER. YOU'RE RIGHT.

THE DAM IS CRUMBLING.

I CAN'T FIGHT IT ANY LONGER.

I'M A SPONTANEOUS PERSON, BOOKER.

I GET THESE IMPULSES.

BRING YOUR IMPULSES TO MY APARTMENT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO CONTROL YOURSELF.

I AM THE BOSS.

AND I RESPECT THAT.

IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

I'M GLAD WE HAVE THAT UNDERSTANDING.

ROSEANNE, BOOKER GAVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER!

PROGRAM'S STARTING.

I POPPED YOU SOME CORN.

GOOD. I'M NERVOUS, AREN'T YOU?

OH, MY SPURS ARE SHAKING HERE.

THIS CONTEST AIN'T A BIG DEAL, BUT IT IS.

AHH, MY LOVE,

SOON OUR MUSIC CAREER WILL SKYROCKET.

I'LL HAVE TO DIG UP MORE POEMS.

WHAT FOR?

SOMETHING FOR THE FLIP SIDE.

OH, YEAH.

TELL HER TO MOVE.

I WAS HERE FIRST.

TELL HER SHE'S LYING.

TELL YOUR SISTERS TO SHUT UP.

SHUT UP.

THANK YOU, HONEY.

EVENING, EVERYBODY.

THIS IS PHIL...

AND DAVE...

ON THE PHIL AND DAVE SHOW.

THIS IS IT.

I WAS HERE FIRST.

SHE WAS NOT.

D.J.

SHUT UP.

BEFORE WE ANNOUNCE THE WINNER

OF WLFD's SONGWRITING CONTEST,

DAVE AND I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE WHO ENTERED.

YEAH, THE RESPONSE WAS OVERWHELMING.

WE NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

WE HAD A GRAND TOTAL OF FOUR ENTRIES.

FOUR?

GOOD ODDS.

YEAH.

THAT SHOULD MAKE OUR JOB EASY.

BUT WITH FOUR ENTRIES AND ONLY THREE PRIZES,

IT WAS TOUGH.

WHO WON?

WELL, DAVE, LET'S ANNOUNCE THOSE WINNERS.

YES.

THE THIRD PLACE WINNER,

WINNER OF TWO TICKETS

TO LANDFORD'S ANNUAL TRACTOR PULL, IS...

PRANCETON NEWHOUSE.

HAA!

ALL RIGHT.

ONLY TWO TO GO.

DID YOU WIN YET?

NOT YET.

SHH!

THE SECOND PRIZE WINNER,

WINNING AN EVENING AT LANDFORD INN...

NOT ME, NOT ME, NOT ME.

JOYCE FISHER.

THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER,

WINNER OF ALL 100 OF THOSE DOLLARS, IS...

A SONGWRITING TEAM FROM LANDFORD...

A TEAM! AAH!

FRANK DALE AND TOBY CUTLER.

WHO?

CONGRATULATIONS, FRANK AND TOBY,

FOR THEIR SURE-TO-BE-A-CLASSIC TUNE,

DAISIES IN THE WIND.

I GUESS THAT'S IT.

WILL THEY PLAY YOUR SONG?

NO.

THEY DON'T LIKE OUR SONG.

YOU DIDN'T WIN?

AFRAID NOT, BUDDY.

YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE WON.

YOUR SONG WAS THE BEST.

THANKS.

THOSE GUYS ARE CREEPS.

YEAH, LET'S GO DOWN AND SOAP THEIR WINDOWS.

WE'LL LET THE AIR OUT OF THEIR TIRES.

AND SET OFF SMOKE BOMBS.

YOU'D DO ME PROUD.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, PARTNER?

FOURTH PLACE.

NOTHING, ZERO, ZIP.

WE ARE PATHETIC.

LET'S HANG OUR HEADS IN SHAME.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN

THAT YOUR SONG WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH

TO WIN TICKETS TO THE LANDFORD TRACTOR PULL?

YOU DON'T. YOU MOVE OUT OF STATE.

MONTANA'S NICE.

THEY HAVE VERY LITTLE RADIO THERE.

MOM, DAD, WE'RE SORRY YOU LOST.

WE DIDN'T REALLY LOSE.

PEOPLE WHO LOSE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEVER TRY.

AT LEAST WE TRIED.

GOT CRUSHED.

OH, STOP.

WE NEVER HEARD IT.

SING IT FOR US.

DARE YOU?

WELL, SHUCKINS, KIDS.

WHY NOT?

GATHER 'ROUND, YOUNG'UNS.

PA'S GOING TO SING US A DITTY.

♪ THERE'S A RIVER HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS ♪

♪ THAT'S BEEN FLOWIN' SINCE WHO KNOWS WHEN ♪

♪ NO ONE'S SURE JUST HOW IT STARTED ♪

♪ BUT IT'S NEVER GONNA END ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS LIKE THAT RIVER ♪

♪ FLOWIN' THROUGH ALL TIME

♪ HEAVEN KNOWS HOW I NEED YOU ♪

♪ BUT I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ♪

♪ HEAVEN KNOWS HOW I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ♪

WHOO!

HERE'S MOM'S OLD EARRING.

OH, WOW! PEACE, LOVE, AND SISTERHOOD.

WHERE'S THE OTHER ONE?

I LOST IT AT A PROTEST MARCH.

YOU MARCHED IN A PROTEST?

YOUR MOTHER WAS AT ALL THE PROTEST MARCHES.

WHAT WERE YOU PROTESTING?

OH, THE USUAL--

WAR, VIOLENCE, MASS COMMUNICATIONS.

THIS IS NEAT.

I BOUGHT THAT MOOD RING.

BACK WHEN I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD.

CAN I HAVE IT?

WELL...

CAN I HAVE THIS EARRING?

WELL...SINCE YOU HAVEN'T MAIMED, KILLED,

OR ABUSED EACH OTHER IN THE LAST 24 HOURS,

I'LL BESTOW THESE GIFTS ON YOU

AS A TOKEN OF MY GRATITUDE.

THANKS, MOM.

YEAH, THANKS.

WHY DO WE KEEP THIS JUNK?

WE SHOULD THROW IT OUT.

YOU CAN'T. THIS IS OUR LIFE.

YEAH.

I THINK WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1988 CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS