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1
00:00:05,934 --> 00:00:09,032
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CAPITAL CITIESABC, INC.
2
00:01:30,101 --> 00:01:31,832
WHAT ARE YOU
WATCHING, D.J.?
3
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:33,665
THUNDERMOUSE.
4
00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:41,298
HE'S MY FAVORITE
RODENT NEXT TO YOU.
5
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,798
YOU'VE WORN
THESE SOCKS ALL WEEK.
6
00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:45,432
I LIKE THEM.
7
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:49,865
WELL, GIVE THEM HERE
SO I CAN SCRAPE OFF
8
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:52,265
SOME OF
THIS TOPSOIL.
9
00:01:53,434 --> 00:01:56,898
CLEAR THE JUNK
OFF THE TABLE,
WILL YOU, DEEJ?
10
00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:58,032
OK.
11
00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:01,931
GOOD GOING,
THUNDERMOUSE.
12
00:02:01,967 --> 00:02:03,999
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, DARLENE?
13
00:02:04,034 --> 00:02:06,531
MAKING A CASTLE
FOR HISTORY CLASS.
14
00:02:06,567 --> 00:02:12,065
ARE YOU DOING
HOMEWORK ON
A SATURDAY?
15
00:02:12,101 --> 00:02:13,732
YEAH.
16
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:16,732
OH, NO.
MY DAUGHTER'S BODY'S
BEEN POSSESSED
17
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,264
BY A GOOD STUDENT.
18
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:20,365
AAH!
19
00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:25,532
WELL, HEY, DWIGHT,
I APPRECIATE THE CALL.
20
00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:27,532
I KNOW NOBODY'S
BEEN WORKING.
21
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,365
THIS SOUNDS REAL GOOD.
22
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,532
WELL...
23
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,098
WELL, THANKS, YEAH.
24
00:02:32,134 --> 00:02:34,098
NO, I'M HERE ALL DAY.
25
00:02:34,134 --> 00:02:37,565
CALL ME WHEN
YOU FIND OUT
SOMETHING FOR SURE.
26
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:38,698
THANKS, BYE.
27
00:02:39,633 --> 00:02:42,298
I'M GOING
BACK TO WORK.
28
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:43,832
DWIGHT GOT
YOU SOMETHING?
29
00:02:43,867 --> 00:02:46,832
MAYBE. HE THINKS
HE'S GOT SOMETHING
IN STANDFORDVILLE.
30
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,332
SOME GUY WANTS
HIS KITCHEN REMODELED.
31
00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:50,832
THAT'S TWO WEEKS' WORK.
32
00:02:50,867 --> 00:02:52,866
HE'LL CALL
WHEN IT'S DEFINITE.
33
00:02:52,901 --> 00:02:54,866
GREAT. MAYBE
I CAN FINALLY
34
00:02:54,901 --> 00:02:56,631
GET YOU
OUT OF HERE.
35
00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:58,298
♪ YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME ♪
36
00:02:58,334 --> 00:03:00,231
♪ ODDY ODDY ODDY ♪
37
00:03:01,133 --> 00:03:03,132
SO IS THAT SOFA.
38
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:06,632
ALL YOU'VE
BEEN DOING FOR
THE LAST TWO WEEKS
39
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:09,865
IS WATCHING TV AND
BUFFING OUT YOUR NAILS.
40
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,166
HOW DO THEY LOOK?
41
00:03:23,134 --> 00:03:24,899
QUIT BOTHERING ME.
42
00:03:26,134 --> 00:03:29,598
GET BACK IN THERE AND
FIX YOUR FOUR-STAR CHILI.
43
00:03:29,633 --> 00:03:32,598
YOU ONLY MARRIED
ME FOR MY COOKING.
44
00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:33,698
UH-UH.
45
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:37,166
'CAUSE YOU
NEEDED A DATE
FOR YOUR WEDDING.
46
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:43,531
WHEN WILL THIS CHILI
MASTERPIECE BE DONE?
47
00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:45,331
DON'T RUSH GREAT ART.
48
00:03:45,366 --> 00:03:48,466
MAKE SURE YOU MAKE
ENOUGH FOR JACKIE.
49
00:03:51,468 --> 00:03:52,932
SHE'S COMING OVER?
50
00:03:52,968 --> 00:03:56,099
HONEY, DOESN'T SHE
COME OVER EVERY
SINGLE SATURDAY?
51
00:03:56,135 --> 00:03:59,132
I WAS THINKING MAYBE
SHE'D MISS A DAY.
52
00:03:59,168 --> 00:04:02,332
YOU KNEW ABOUT HER
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.
53
00:04:02,368 --> 00:04:05,332
I DIDN'T THINK SHE'D
BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND.
54
00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:07,865
I DIDN'T THINK I'D
BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND.
55
00:04:07,901 --> 00:04:10,365
IF SHE HAD
HER OWN LIFE,
56
00:04:10,401 --> 00:04:12,365
SHE WOULDN'T
HAVE TO RUIN MINE.
57
00:04:12,401 --> 00:04:14,698
I'M TELLING YOU, HONEY.
58
00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:15,698
TWO MINUTES...
59
00:04:15,734 --> 00:04:17,499
PUT THOSE DOWN.
60
00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:20,632
PUT THOSE DOWN.
61
00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:30,598
DROP THEM.
62
00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:31,732
OK.
63
00:04:32,633 --> 00:04:33,698
OK. ANYWAY,
64
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:36,698
TWO MINUTES
AFTER SHE WALKS
THROUGH THAT DOOR,
65
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:41,932
SHE'LL SAY,
"DAN, YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS?"
66
00:04:41,968 --> 00:04:44,032
OH, DON'T START.
67
00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:45,531
I HEAR THAT AGAIN,
68
00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:48,398
I'LL MAKE HER WATCH
ALL OUR HOME MOVIES.
69
00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:52,433
THAT'S THE CRUELEST
THING YOU'VE EVER
SAID, YOU BEAST.
70
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,765
ANYBODY HOME?
71
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,365
NO, WE MOVED.
72
00:04:57,401 --> 00:04:58,865
HI, AUNT JACKIE.
73
00:04:58,901 --> 00:04:59,798
HI.
74
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:01,765
DAN, WHAT'S WRONG?
75
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,732
MY SISTER-IN-LAW
IS HERE.
76
00:05:06,634 --> 00:05:09,598
THE WORLD FAMOUS
CHEF IS DICING ONIONS
77
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,432
FOR HIS
FOUR-STAR CHILI.
78
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:14,432
I LOVE CHILI.
LET ME HAVE A TASTE.
79
00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:17,432
I CAN GIVE
YOU SOME TO GO.
80
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:21,565
WELL, I DON'T
WANT TO SPOIL MY
APPETITE FOR DINNER.
81
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:26,165
YOU INVITED
HER TO DINNER?
82
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,598
NOT YET.
JACKIE, HONEY,
83
00:05:27,634 --> 00:05:31,098
WHY DON'T YOU
STAY FOR DINNER?
84
00:05:31,134 --> 00:05:34,233
THANKS, THAT'LL BE
CONVENIENT SINCE I'M
SPENDING THE NIGHT.
85
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:38,865
SPENDING THE NIGHT?
86
00:05:38,901 --> 00:05:41,865
YEAH, THE PIPES IN
MY APARTMENT FROZE AGAIN.
87
00:05:41,901 --> 00:05:43,265
I HAVE NO WATER.
88
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:46,265
I CAN GET
SOME WATER TO GO.
89
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:49,532
DAN, YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS?
90
00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:54,166
YOU WANT ME TO SET UP
THE PROJECTOR NOW?
91
00:05:55,068 --> 00:05:58,165
YOU DON'T PUT ENOUGH
PEPPER IN THE CHILI.
92
00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:03,865
I PUT THE PERFECT
AMOUNT OF PEPPERS.
93
00:06:03,901 --> 00:06:05,432
IT'S TOO BLAND.
94
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:08,132
ROSIE, IS
MY CHILI TOO BLAND?
95
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,132
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
96
00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:13,399
YOUR CHILI IS
JUST LIKE YOU,
HOT AND SPICY.
97
00:06:15,368 --> 00:06:16,332
HEY, A.J.
98
00:06:16,368 --> 00:06:18,332
HI, WHAT ARE
YOU READING?
99
00:06:18,368 --> 00:06:19,332
TEEN-AGE LIFE.
100
00:06:19,368 --> 00:06:20,832
OH, MY GOD.
101
00:06:20,868 --> 00:06:22,332
ROSEANNE, YOU
REMEMBER THAT?
102
00:06:22,368 --> 00:06:25,332
ALL THOSE ARTICLES ABOUT
THE PERFECT WOMAN.
103
00:06:25,368 --> 00:06:26,832
YEAH, THOSE
WERE GREAT.
104
00:06:26,868 --> 00:06:29,032
MY FAVORITE WAS
105
00:06:29,068 --> 00:06:34,232
50 WAYS TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" WITH YOUR EYES.
106
00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:38,232
THERE'S ONE ABOUT
HOW TO READ YOUR
BOYFRIEND'S BODY LANGUAGE.
107
00:06:38,268 --> 00:06:40,732
IF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BODY
STARTS TALKING,
108
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:41,998
I WANT TO KNOW.
109
00:06:42,034 --> 00:06:45,998
I HAPPEN TO
KNOW QUITE A BIT
ABOUT BODY LANGUAGE.
110
00:06:46,034 --> 00:06:49,199
COULD YOU TELL
YOUR BODY TO GO HOME?
111
00:06:51,101 --> 00:06:52,065
REBECCA,
112
00:06:52,101 --> 00:06:55,065
YOUR FATHER'S WORDS
ARE SAYING "GO HOME,"
113
00:06:55,101 --> 00:06:58,065
BUT HIS BODY IS
SAYING THAT HE LOVES
114
00:06:58,101 --> 00:07:01,598
AND ADORES
HIS SISTER-IN-LAW.
115
00:07:01,633 --> 00:07:03,731
HEY, JACKIE,
READ THIS.
116
00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:20,431
ALL RIGHT,
WHO TOOK MY SODA?
117
00:07:20,467 --> 00:07:21,698
SODA PHANTOM.
118
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:23,165
OH, YOU MEAN THIS?
119
00:07:23,201 --> 00:07:24,665
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
120
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:26,065
I WAS DRINKING THAT.
121
00:07:26,101 --> 00:07:27,431
I'M SORRY. HERE.
122
00:07:27,467 --> 00:07:29,665
YOU SLOBBERED
ALL OVER IT.
123
00:07:29,701 --> 00:07:31,465
CAREFUL, DAD.
YOU'LL GET COOTIES.
124
00:07:31,501 --> 00:07:33,598
HEY, I DON'T
HAVE COOTIES.
125
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:35,233
OH, YEAH.
WHAT'S THIS?
126
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:38,265
OH, CUT IT OUT.
127
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,265
DAN.
128
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,765
IT'S GETTING BIGGER!
129
00:07:40,801 --> 00:07:42,565
IT'S GETTING BIGGER!
130
00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:44,465
CUT IT OUT.
131
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:48,232
GET IN THE KITCHEN AND
SPICE YOUR BLAND CHILI.
132
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:51,232
HEY, YOU CAN INSULT
MY WIFE AND CHILDREN,
133
00:07:51,268 --> 00:07:53,866
BUT DON'T
BADMOUTH MY CHILI.
134
00:07:55,967 --> 00:07:58,065
DEEJ, HAND
ME THE GLUE.
135
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:01,299
YOU GUYS ARE
DOING GOOD.
136
00:08:01,335 --> 00:08:03,631
I'M IN
CHARGE OF GLUE.
137
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:05,631
YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU NEED?
138
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:08,631
LOOK IN THE PICTURE.
YOU NEED A DRAWBRIDGE.
139
00:08:08,667 --> 00:08:10,266
YEAH, THAT'S COOL.
140
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:14,365
D.J., GO TO THE GARAGE
141
00:08:14,401 --> 00:08:17,365
AND GET A PIECE
OF WOOD THAT BIG.
142
00:08:17,401 --> 00:08:18,865
DON'T MOVE YOUR FINGERS.
143
00:08:18,901 --> 00:08:21,499
IT'S GOT TO BE
EXACTLY THAT SIZE.
144
00:08:22,467 --> 00:08:24,798
GREETINGS, ALIEN.
145
00:08:24,834 --> 00:08:26,433
NOT NOW, MOM.
146
00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:29,932
JACKIE,
THE WASHER IS FREE.
147
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,066
OK, THANKS.
148
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:35,665
YOU'RE REALLY PUTTING
IN SOME TIME ON THIS.
149
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:36,665
I KNOW.
150
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:38,265
IT MUST BE IMPORTANT.
151
00:08:38,301 --> 00:08:40,065
NO, NOT REALLY.
152
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:42,432
JUST FOR FUN.
153
00:08:42,467 --> 00:08:46,432
WELL, LET ME
TELL YOU A STORY
JUST FOR FUN.
154
00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:47,932
NO, NOT A STORY!
155
00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:50,932
ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS A--
156
00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:52,932
THERE WAS
THIS LITTLE GIRL
157
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,932
WHO RAN
AWAY FROM HOME,
158
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,932
'CAUSE HER MOTHER
TOLD HER LONG,
BORING STORIES.
159
00:08:57,967 --> 00:08:59,432
SHUT UP, YOU.
160
00:08:59,467 --> 00:09:02,999
ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS
A BEAUTIFUL QUEEN
161
00:09:03,034 --> 00:09:05,499
WHO LIVED IN
A BEAUTIFUL PALACE,
162
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:08,999
AND SHE HAD A
BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY
LITTLE DAUGHTER.
163
00:09:09,034 --> 00:09:10,499
AND HER NAME WAS--
164
00:09:10,534 --> 00:09:13,165
LET ME GUESS.
DARLENE.
165
00:09:13,201 --> 00:09:16,166
NO, SMART-MOUTH,
IT WAS DARLENA.
166
00:09:18,335 --> 00:09:21,798
THE BEAUTIFUL QUEEN
WAS PUZZLED, AND SHE
ASKED DARLENA,
167
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:25,565
"WHY ART
THOU BUILDING
THIS THING?"
168
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,166
AND DARLENA REPLIED,
169
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,665
"DON'T TRY
AND FIGURE IT OUT.
170
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,299
JUST LIVE WITH IT."
171
00:09:33,533 --> 00:09:35,999
WHAT IS THIS
ALL ABOUT, DARLENE?
172
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,498
WHAT?
173
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,132
LEVEL WITH ME.
174
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:45,498
MOM...
175
00:09:45,534 --> 00:09:47,398
I'M FLUNKING HISTORY.
176
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:48,965
UH-HUH.
177
00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:51,498
WELL, CRANE SAID
178
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:54,998
THAT IF I DID THIS
CASTLE FOR EXTRA CREDIT
179
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:57,998
AND DID OK ON
THE NEXT TEST,
180
00:09:58,034 --> 00:09:59,432
I MIGHT PASS.
181
00:09:59,467 --> 00:10:00,432
UH-HUH.
182
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:04,432
THAT'S WHY I'VE
GOT TO GET THIS
IN BY MONDAY.
183
00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:07,932
WELL, THEN
I'LL LET YOU GET
BACK TO WORK.
184
00:10:07,967 --> 00:10:10,631
YOU WON'T
YELL AT ME?
185
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:11,631
NO.
186
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:14,431
YOU WON'T TELL ME
HOW BRIGHT I AM,
187
00:10:14,466 --> 00:10:16,398
BUT I NEVER
APPLY MYSELF?
188
00:10:16,434 --> 00:10:20,065
YOU DON'T NEED TO HEAR
THAT AGAIN, DO YOU?
189
00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:31,765
I WENT OUT WITH HIM
ON FRIDAY.
190
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,564
I WAS GOING TO GO OUT
WITH HIM AGAIN ON SATURDAY,
191
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,932
THEN I FOUND OUT
HE WENT TO CHICAGO.
192
00:10:38,967 --> 00:10:41,932
SO I LEAVE A MESSAGE
ON HIS MACHINE.
193
00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:44,431
I'M LIKE,
"HI, HOW ARE YOU?"
194
00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:47,431
YOU GOING TO STAY
ON THAT PHONE ALL DAY?
195
00:10:47,466 --> 00:10:49,465
I'LL BE OFF
IN A SECOND.
196
00:10:49,501 --> 00:10:53,432
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
CONTACT HIM IN CHICAGO?
197
00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:54,932
PLEASE HURRY UP.
198
00:10:54,968 --> 00:10:57,066
I'M EXPECTING
AN IMPORTANT
PHONE CALL.
199
00:10:57,101 --> 00:10:59,866
YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS, DAN?
200
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:02,199
YOU DON'T HAVE
CALL WAITING.
201
00:11:03,234 --> 00:11:04,632
YOUR PROBLEM IS
202
00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:07,132
YOU DON'T PAY
MY PHONE BILL.
203
00:11:07,168 --> 00:11:08,431
OK. OK.
204
00:11:08,466 --> 00:11:09,932
THE PHONE'S ALL YOURS.
205
00:11:09,967 --> 00:11:13,432
THANK YOU
FOR ALLOWING ME
TO USE MY TELEPHONE.
206
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:14,732
YOU'RE WELCOME.
207
00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:18,432
I DON'T
WANT TO COMPLAIN--
208
00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:19,665
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO.
209
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,665
HOW DID YOU
LIVE WITH HER?
210
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:24,266
I'D LOCK HER
IN THE CLOSET
211
00:11:24,301 --> 00:11:27,132
AND STUFF DOG FOOD
UNDER THE DOOR.
212
00:11:27,168 --> 00:11:30,099
SHE'S A MAJOR LEAGUE
PAIN IN THE BUTT.
213
00:11:30,134 --> 00:11:31,532
BUT YOU'RE
REALLY SPOILED.
214
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,966
YOU LIVE WITH ME.
215
00:11:33,001 --> 00:11:34,432
YOU'RE USED TO
PERFECTION.
216
00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:35,431
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
217
00:11:35,467 --> 00:11:37,932
HERE IT IS.
COME ON, DWIGHT.
218
00:11:37,967 --> 00:11:38,932
HELLO?
219
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:40,565
DWIGHT, WHAT'S THE WORD?
220
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,099
YEAH.
221
00:11:43,134 --> 00:11:44,431
THANKS ANYWAY.
222
00:11:44,466 --> 00:11:46,431
YEAH, MAYBE NEXT WEEK.
223
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:48,164
RIGHT. BYE-BYE.
224
00:11:51,433 --> 00:11:52,932
DAMN.
225
00:11:52,968 --> 00:11:56,732
YOU WILL GET
THE VERY NEXT JOB
THAT COMES.
226
00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:58,265
I HOPE SO.
227
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:01,599
I'M GOING NUTS
SITTING AROUND HERE
FOR TWO WEEKS.
228
00:12:01,634 --> 00:12:03,599
I LIKE
HAVING YOU AROUND.
229
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:06,599
BUT I FEEL TERRIBLE
WHEN I AIN'T WORKING.
230
00:12:06,634 --> 00:12:08,765
WELL, YOU WANT WORK?
231
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,765
OVER AT
THE BLUE FLAMINGO
232
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,398
THEY'RE HIRING
TOPLESS DANCERS.
233
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,265
I COULDN'T DO THAT
WITH MY BAD KNEE.
234
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:21,465
I'D PUT A DOLLAR
IN YOUR G-STRING.
235
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,698
GO GET YOUR PURSE.
236
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,932
MOM, DAD,
YOU GOT TO TRY THIS.
237
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:33,932
THERE'S A TEST IN
THIS TEEN-AGE LIFE,
238
00:12:33,967 --> 00:12:35,432
AND YOU'RE
GOING TO BE
239
00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:36,865
OUR LOVEBIRD
GUINEA PIGS.
240
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:39,365
I DON'T FEEL
LIKE PLAYING GAMES.
241
00:12:39,401 --> 00:12:42,166
HAVE WE GOT
TO DO ANYTHING WEIRD?
242
00:12:42,201 --> 00:12:43,332
YOU WISH.
243
00:12:43,368 --> 00:12:45,332
JUST DO WHAT WE SAY.
244
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:46,498
ALL RIGHT.
245
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:47,631
YOU SIT.
246
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:48,932
YOU SIT.
247
00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:51,932
ALL RIGHT, LAY
THIS GAME ON US.
248
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:55,965
"EXERCISE ONE--
TANTALIZING WITH TOUCH."
249
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,965
I THINK
I'LL LIKE THIS.
250
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,898
"THE OBJECT
OF THIS EXERCISE
251
00:12:59,933 --> 00:13:04,099
IS TO TRANSMIT A DEEPLY FELT
EMOTION WITH YOUR HANDS."
252
00:13:04,135 --> 00:13:05,598
OH, THIS IS CORNY.
253
00:13:05,634 --> 00:13:06,766
ROSEANNE.
254
00:13:06,801 --> 00:13:08,265
OH, ALL RIGHT.
255
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:10,898
OK. I CAN DO IT.
256
00:13:14,235 --> 00:13:15,698
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
257
00:13:15,734 --> 00:13:19,266
YOU KNOW,
THIS REALLY COULD HELP
YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
258
00:13:19,301 --> 00:13:20,365
BE SERIOUS.
259
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,832
I'M SERIOUS. ARE YOU?
260
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:23,832
I'M SERIOUS.
261
00:13:23,868 --> 00:13:25,431
OK. WE'RE SERIOUS.
262
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,932
ALL RIGHT.
"FACE YOUR BOYFRIEND
263
00:13:27,968 --> 00:13:30,498
AND TOUCH HANDS."
264
00:13:30,533 --> 00:13:32,531
BUT MY BOYFRIEND'S
NOT HERE.
265
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:34,132
WILL MY HUSBAND DO?
266
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,932
HE'LL HAVE TO DO.
267
00:13:35,967 --> 00:13:38,932
"TRY TO COMMUNICATE
AN EMOTION
268
00:13:38,967 --> 00:13:40,698
WITHOUT SPEAKING."
269
00:13:40,733 --> 00:13:43,965
HE'LL BE WRONG.
I JUST KNOW IT.
270
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:48,132
OK. DAD,
WHAT'S MOM THINKING?
271
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,299
SHE'S THINKING
I'LL BE WRONG.
272
00:13:52,335 --> 00:13:53,798
THIS IS GREAT.
273
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,765
WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK
TO EACH OTHER AGAIN.
274
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,298
YAY!
275
00:13:58,333 --> 00:14:00,531
COME ON, YOU TWO!
276
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,066
COME ON.
TRY IT AGAIN.
277
00:14:03,466 --> 00:14:04,431
OK. OK.
278
00:14:04,466 --> 00:14:06,431
OK. I GOT IT.
279
00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:09,431
I'M TRANSMITTING A VERY
IMPORTANT MESSAGE HERE,
280
00:14:09,466 --> 00:14:12,498
SO TUNE IN, LOVER BOY.
281
00:14:12,534 --> 00:14:14,998
OH, I'M PICKING
SOMETHING UP.
282
00:14:15,034 --> 00:14:17,498
WHAT'S SHE TRYING
TO TELL YOU?
283
00:14:17,533 --> 00:14:18,932
SOMETHING I'VE
WANTED TO HEAR
284
00:14:18,968 --> 00:14:21,431
FOR A REAL LONG TIME.
285
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:24,165
MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S
MOVING TO NORTH DAKOTA.
286
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:28,732
DAD...
287
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,365
THAT WAS A JOKE.
288
00:14:30,401 --> 00:14:31,565
SOUTH DAKOTA.
289
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:36,932
SOMETIMES THERE'S
A LOT OF TRUTH IN KIDDING.
290
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,732
DON'T PSYCHOANALYZE
EVERYTHING I SAY.
291
00:14:39,768 --> 00:14:41,899
BELIEVE ME,
IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
292
00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:44,932
NO. I WANT TO KNOW.
DO I IRRITATE YOU?
293
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,932
LET'S NOT
GET INTO THIS.
294
00:14:46,968 --> 00:14:47,932
NO, REALLY.
295
00:14:47,968 --> 00:14:49,431
WHERE DO I BEGIN?
296
00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:50,932
YOU DON'T.
297
00:14:50,968 --> 00:14:52,432
AT THE BEGINNING.
298
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:56,465
YOU PICK ALL THE NUTS
OUT OF THE ROCKY ROAD.
299
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:59,698
PUT ME IN FRONT
OF A FIRING SQUAD.
300
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:02,232
I'M GOING TO PUT
YOU BOTH THERE.
301
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:04,299
KNOCK WHEN
YOU WALK IN.
302
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:05,832
YOU WANT ME TO KNOCK?
303
00:15:05,868 --> 00:15:09,431
I'LL BLOW A TRUMPET
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
304
00:15:09,467 --> 00:15:10,531
FINE. FINE!
305
00:15:10,567 --> 00:15:13,199
CHILI'S READY!
306
00:15:13,235 --> 00:15:15,698
COME ON, DAN.
SPIT IT OUT.
307
00:15:15,734 --> 00:15:18,199
YOU'RE OVER HERE
ALL THE TIME.
308
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:22,865
WELL, IF YOU HAD
A JOB, YOU WOULDN'T
NOTICE SO MUCH.
309
00:15:40,534 --> 00:15:44,231
GOSH, YOU SIMPLY
MUST COME OVER
MORE OFTEN, SIS.
310
00:15:54,634 --> 00:15:57,098
DAN WENT OFF
THE DEEP END.
311
00:15:57,133 --> 00:15:58,899
HE JUST LOST A JOB.
312
00:15:58,934 --> 00:16:01,298
THAT'S WHAT
THE PHONE CALL WAS.
313
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:03,298
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
314
00:16:03,333 --> 00:16:05,298
YOU ALWAYS
MANAGE TO SAY
315
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:07,298
THE MOST PERFECTLY
WRONGEST THING
316
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,732
AT THE MOST
PERFECTLY
WRONGEST TIME.
317
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:11,199
JUST LIKE MOM.
318
00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:13,398
WELL...
OK. TAKE HIS SIDE.
319
00:16:13,434 --> 00:16:15,398
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S TWO.
320
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:19,866
THAT IS THE MOST
PERFECTLY WRONGEST THING
YOU COULD HAVE SAID.
321
00:16:19,901 --> 00:16:22,099
JUST THINK
BEFORE YOU TALK.
322
00:16:22,135 --> 00:16:23,899
YOU EXPECT ME
TO APOLOGIZE?
323
00:16:23,934 --> 00:16:25,832
NO, I DON'T.
324
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:28,699
I WON'T TELL YOU
WHAT TO DO.
325
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:31,265
YOU ALWAYS DO,
JUST LIKE MOM.
326
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,598
THAT'S THREE!
327
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:37,899
HE HAS BEEN ON MY CASE
EVER SINCE I ARRIVED.
328
00:16:37,934 --> 00:16:41,398
I'M NOT APOLOGIZING
UNTIL HE APOLOGIZES TO ME.
329
00:16:47,366 --> 00:16:48,832
MOM.
330
00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:49,898
WHAT?
331
00:16:49,933 --> 00:16:53,165
ARE THEY REALLY
MAD AT EACH OTHER?
332
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,398
NO. THEY FIGHT
333
00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:57,398
FOR THE SAME REASON
YOU FIGHT WITH DARLENE--
334
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,099
TO TORTURE ME.
335
00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:03,465
D.J., LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
336
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,932
MOM!
337
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,266
LOOK. YOU RUINED IT.
338
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,831
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
339
00:17:09,868 --> 00:17:11,498
YOU'RE SO STUPID.
340
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,066
WHAT HAPPENED?
341
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,066
D.J. FELL ON MY CASTLE
AND CRUSHED IT.
342
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:19,698
WE CAN FIX IT.
343
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,632
WE CAN'T.
I'LL FLUNK HISTORY,
344
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,532
AND IT'S ALL D.J.'S FAULT.
345
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,631
OH, IT'S D.J.'S FAULT?
346
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,165
LOOK WHAT HE DID.
347
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,631
IT'S DEFINITELY
HIS FAULT
348
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:31,066
THAT YOU DIDN'T
STUDY ALL SEMESTER.
349
00:17:31,101 --> 00:17:32,631
BUT HE WAS HERE--
350
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:36,465
IT'S HIS FAULT
YOU LEFT THIS TILL
THE LAST MINUTE?
351
00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:38,464
YOU ALWAYS
TAKE HIS SIDE.
352
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,464
I'M NOT.
353
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,832
YOU'RE STRICT
WITH ME AND BECKY.
354
00:17:41,867 --> 00:17:43,765
D.J. GETS AWAY
WITH MURDER.
355
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,698
WHO ARE YOU
REALLY MAD AT?
356
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,132
D.J.
357
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,699
THAT MAKES SENSE.
358
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,199
IF I'D SCREWED AROUND
ALL SEMESTER
359
00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:52,699
AND WAS
FLUNKING HISTORY,
360
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:55,332
I'D LOOK
FOR A SCAPEGOAT, TOO.
361
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,898
I'M NOT.
362
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:59,232
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
363
00:17:59,267 --> 00:18:01,398
IT'S NOT FAIR!
364
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,065
D.J.!
365
00:18:10,701 --> 00:18:12,132
COME DOWN HERE, HONEY.
366
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:13,599
IS DARLENE THERE?
367
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,032
NO. SHE'S GONE.
368
00:18:15,068 --> 00:18:17,065
IT'S SAFE.
COME ON DOWN.
369
00:18:20,368 --> 00:18:23,898
LOOKS LIKE
YOU REALLY REDECORATED
DARLENE'S CASTLE THERE.
370
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:25,799
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
371
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:28,364
I KNOW.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
372
00:18:28,401 --> 00:18:30,166
DARLENE HATES ME.
373
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,066
SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
SHE HATES HISTORY.
374
00:18:33,101 --> 00:18:34,965
SHE SAID
I WAS STUPID.
375
00:18:35,001 --> 00:18:36,464
YOU'RE NOT STUPID.
376
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,965
YOU'RE JUST CLUMSY,
LIKE YOUR DADDY.
377
00:18:39,001 --> 00:18:40,965
YEAH, RIGHT.
378
00:18:41,001 --> 00:18:44,966
DO YOU WANT TO BE
MY OFFICIAL CHILI TASTER?
379
00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:46,132
NO.
380
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:49,966
YOU'RE GOING TO SIT HERE
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
381
00:18:50,001 --> 00:18:51,232
YEP.
382
00:18:51,267 --> 00:18:54,765
LET PEOPLE WALK ON YOU,
PILE JUNK ON YOU?
383
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:55,765
YEP.
384
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,299
THAT AIN'T
MUCH OF A LIFE,
385
00:18:58,334 --> 00:19:00,899
BUT I'LL HELP YOU
GET STARTED.
386
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:03,999
COME HERE.
387
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:08,465
PUT THIS ON.
388
00:19:08,501 --> 00:19:10,465
I'LL GIVE YOU A HAT.
389
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:11,665
HA HA HA!
390
00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:12,799
HA HA HA!
391
00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:14,032
HA HA HA!
392
00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:17,698
HUH?
393
00:19:17,733 --> 00:19:18,932
HUH?
394
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:23,132
SHOULD I PUT
THIS LOAD
IN THE DRYER?
395
00:19:23,168 --> 00:19:23,798
NO, I'LL DO IT.
396
00:19:23,834 --> 00:19:24,832
GIDDY UP.
397
00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:25,899
GIDDY UP.
398
00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:26,899
GIDDY UP.
399
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:27,899
GIDDY UP.
400
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,266
OK, HORSIE,
GET UP HERE.
401
00:19:34,134 --> 00:19:36,365
I FINISHED FOLDING
THE LAUNDRY.
402
00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:39,866
THANK YOU. YOU'RE ONE
OF MY THREE FAVORITE KIDS.
403
00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:41,498
WHAT ABOUT ME?
404
00:19:41,534 --> 00:19:42,765
NO.
405
00:19:50,001 --> 00:19:52,965
ARE YOU READY
FOR SOME DELICIOUS CHILI?
406
00:19:53,001 --> 00:19:54,099
YEP.
407
00:19:54,134 --> 00:19:58,099
YOU READY FOR
THE GREATEST CHILI
IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?
408
00:19:58,134 --> 00:20:00,832
ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
409
00:20:07,001 --> 00:20:09,531
IT'S JUST
A LITTLE BIT BLAND.
410
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:27,966
THIS GARAGE IS A MESS.
411
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:29,965
I GOT TO GET
IT ORGANIZED.
412
00:20:30,001 --> 00:20:32,898
DAD, CAN I USE THIS?
413
00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:34,399
NO, I NEED THAT.
414
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:35,899
ME, MYSELF, AND I.
415
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:37,798
MANNY M. MAN.
416
00:20:42,234 --> 00:20:43,698
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
417
00:20:43,734 --> 00:20:45,198
GETTING SOME MORE WOOD.
418
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:47,199
YOU'RE GOING
TO FIX THAT CASTLE?
419
00:20:47,234 --> 00:20:50,032
YEAH, BUT IT'S
STILL D.J.'S FAULT.
420
00:20:52,101 --> 00:20:55,399
GOSH, DARLENE'S
SO DOGGONE STUBBORN.
421
00:20:55,435 --> 00:20:58,531
I WONDER WHERE
SHE GETS IT FROM.
422
00:20:58,567 --> 00:21:00,465
NOT FROM ME.
423
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:02,965
NO, IT COULDN'T BE
FROM YOU.
424
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,465
ROSEANNE, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
425
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:09,898
AND THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE
TO YOUR SISTER.
426
00:21:09,933 --> 00:21:13,698
UM...I'M GOING
TO GO CHECK
INTO A MOTEL.
427
00:21:13,734 --> 00:21:15,965
ANYBODY WE KNOW?
428
00:21:17,167 --> 00:21:19,865
IT'D BE BETTER
IF I STAYED
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
429
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:21,399
HOW ABOUT THE PHILIPPINES?
430
00:21:21,434 --> 00:21:22,932
KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS?
431
00:21:22,968 --> 00:21:23,932
YEAH, YOU.
432
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:25,399
I'M SMOOTHING
THINGS OUT,
433
00:21:25,435 --> 00:21:27,932
HE'S ACTING LIKE
A BIG BABY.
434
00:21:27,968 --> 00:21:30,832
TELL HER
IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.
435
00:21:30,868 --> 00:21:33,832
HOW DO YOU PUT UP
WITH THIS GUY?
436
00:21:33,868 --> 00:21:35,233
HIT THE BRICKS!
437
00:21:35,268 --> 00:21:36,698
I KNOW THIS GAME.
438
00:21:36,734 --> 00:21:39,099
IT'S CALLED "LET'S
TEAR ROSEANNE APART."
439
00:21:39,134 --> 00:21:42,531
YOU TAKE THIS ARM,
AND YOU TAKE THIS ARM,
440
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:44,066
AND YOU BOTH PULL
441
00:21:44,101 --> 00:21:46,565
TILL I SPLATTER
INTO A PUDDLE.
442
00:21:46,601 --> 00:21:49,066
SHE'S OVER HERE
ALL THE TIME
443
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,565
BECAUSE SHE'S
MY SISTER.
444
00:21:50,601 --> 00:21:52,066
HE DON'T MEAN NOTHING.
445
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:54,066
HE'S JUST
BLOWING OFF STEAM.
446
00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:57,966
YOU TWO ARE WORSE THAN ALL
THREE KIDS PUT TOGETHER.
447
00:21:58,001 --> 00:21:59,565
YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.
448
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,865
YOU GOT
TO GET IT TOGETHER.
449
00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:17,398
WELL, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO STAY
IN NO MOTEL.
450
00:22:17,433 --> 00:22:18,565
THAT'S SILLY.
451
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,698
YOU CAN SLEEP OUT HERE.
452
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:27,898
SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING.
453
00:22:27,934 --> 00:22:30,432
SHE DOES GET
CARRIED AWAY SOMETIMES.
454
00:22:30,467 --> 00:22:33,565
SHE TELLS EVERYBODY
HOW TO LEAD THEIR LIVES.
455
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:35,065
SHE THINKS
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
456
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:36,966
WELL, I DO!
457
00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:40,098
AAH...
AAH...
458
00:22:51,534 --> 00:22:52,998
ISN'T THAT MOVIE
OVER YET?
459
00:22:53,034 --> 00:22:54,232
NO.
460
00:22:55,867 --> 00:22:57,732
I WANT TO GO
TO SLEEP.
461
00:22:57,767 --> 00:23:00,932
THIS IS
THE BEST PART
OF THE MOVIE.
462
00:23:00,967 --> 00:23:02,498
YOU'RE ON MY BED.
463
00:23:02,534 --> 00:23:05,364
JACKIE,
YOUR BED IS MY SOFA.
464
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,765
HERE YOU GO, SIS.
465
00:23:06,801 --> 00:23:09,164
DAN WON'T GET OFF
THE COUCH.
466
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,164
HONEY,
GET OFF THE COUCH.
467
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,499
SHH! THEY'RE GETTING READY
FOR THE SHOWDOWN.
468
00:23:24,734 --> 00:23:27,865
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING
INSTITUTE, INC.
469
00:23:39,767 --> 00:23:42,866
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS
PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
470
00:24:09,934 --> 00:24:13,032
CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1988
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS
44240
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