Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CAPITAL CITIESABC, INC.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, D.J.?

THUNDERMOUSE.

HE'S MY FAVORITE RODENT NEXT TO YOU.

YOU'VE WORN THESE SOCKS ALL WEEK.

I LIKE THEM.

WELL, GIVE THEM HERE SO I CAN SCRAPE OFF

SOME OF THIS TOPSOIL.

CLEAR THE JUNK OFF THE TABLE, WILL YOU, DEEJ?

OK.

GOOD GOING, THUNDERMOUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DARLENE?

MAKING A CASTLE FOR HISTORY CLASS.

ARE YOU DOING HOMEWORK ON A SATURDAY?

YEAH.

OH, NO. MY DAUGHTER'S BODY'S BEEN POSSESSED

BY A GOOD STUDENT.

AAH!

WELL, HEY, DWIGHT, I APPRECIATE THE CALL.

I KNOW NOBODY'S BEEN WORKING.

THIS SOUNDS REAL GOOD.

WELL...

WELL, THANKS, YEAH.

NO, I'M HERE ALL DAY.

CALL ME WHEN YOU FIND OUT SOMETHING FOR SURE.

THANKS, BYE.

I'M GOING BACK TO WORK.

DWIGHT GOT YOU SOMETHING?

MAYBE. HE THINKS HE'S GOT SOMETHING IN STANDFORDVILLE.

SOME GUY WANTS HIS KITCHEN REMODELED.

THAT'S TWO WEEKS' WORK.

HE'LL CALL WHEN IT'S DEFINITE.

GREAT. MAYBE I CAN FINALLY

GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

♪ YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME ♪

♪ ODDY ODDY ODDY ♪

SO IS THAT SOFA.

ALL YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS

IS WATCHING TV AND BUFFING OUT YOUR NAILS.

HOW DO THEY LOOK?

QUIT BOTHERING ME.

GET BACK IN THERE AND FIX YOUR FOUR-STAR CHILI.

YOU ONLY MARRIED ME FOR MY COOKING.

UH-UH.

'CAUSE YOU NEEDED A DATE FOR YOUR WEDDING.

WHEN WILL THIS CHILI MASTERPIECE BE DONE?

DON'T RUSH GREAT ART.

MAKE SURE YOU MAKE ENOUGH FOR JACKIE.

SHE'S COMING OVER?

HONEY, DOESN'T SHE COME OVER EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY?

I WAS THINKING MAYBE SHE'D MISS A DAY.

YOU KNEW ABOUT HER WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

I DIDN'T THINK SHE'D BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND.

I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND.

IF SHE HAD HER OWN LIFE,

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO RUIN MINE.

I'M TELLING YOU, HONEY.

TWO MINUTES...

PUT THOSE DOWN.

PUT THOSE DOWN.

DROP THEM.

OK.

OK. ANYWAY,

TWO MINUTES AFTER SHE WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR,

SHE'LL SAY, "DAN, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?"

OH, DON'T START.

I HEAR THAT AGAIN,

I'LL MAKE HER WATCH ALL OUR HOME MOVIES.

THAT'S THE CRUELEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID, YOU BEAST.

ANYBODY HOME?

NO, WE MOVED.

HI, AUNT JACKIE.

HI.

DAN, WHAT'S WRONG?

MY SISTER-IN-LAW IS HERE.

THE WORLD FAMOUS CHEF IS DICING ONIONS

FOR HIS FOUR-STAR CHILI.

I LOVE CHILI. LET ME HAVE A TASTE.

I CAN GIVE YOU SOME TO GO.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL MY APPETITE FOR DINNER.

YOU INVITED HER TO DINNER?

NOT YET. JACKIE, HONEY,

WHY DON'T YOU STAY FOR DINNER?

THANKS, THAT'LL BE CONVENIENT SINCE I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT.

SPENDING THE NIGHT?

YEAH, THE PIPES IN MY APARTMENT FROZE AGAIN.

I HAVE NO WATER.

I CAN GET SOME WATER TO GO.

DAN, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU WANT ME TO SET UP THE PROJECTOR NOW?

YOU DON'T PUT ENOUGH PEPPER IN THE CHILI.

I PUT THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF PEPPERS.

IT'S TOO BLAND.

ROSIE, IS MY CHILI TOO BLAND?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

YOUR CHILI IS JUST LIKE YOU, HOT AND SPICY.

HEY, A.J.

HI, WHAT ARE YOU READING?

TEEN-AGE LIFE.

OH, MY GOD.

ROSEANNE, YOU REMEMBER THAT?

ALL THOSE ARTICLES ABOUT THE PERFECT WOMAN.

YEAH, THOSE WERE GREAT.

MY FAVORITE WAS

50 WAYS TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" WITH YOUR EYES.

THERE'S ONE ABOUT HOW TO READ YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BODY LANGUAGE.

IF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BODY STARTS TALKING,

I WANT TO KNOW.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT BODY LANGUAGE.

COULD YOU TELL YOUR BODY TO GO HOME?

REBECCA,

YOUR FATHER'S WORDS ARE SAYING "GO HOME,"

BUT HIS BODY IS SAYING THAT HE LOVES

AND ADORES HIS SISTER-IN-LAW.

HEY, JACKIE, READ THIS.

ALL RIGHT, WHO TOOK MY SODA?

SODA PHANTOM.

OH, YOU MEAN THIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS DRINKING THAT.

I'M SORRY. HERE.

YOU SLOBBERED ALL OVER IT.

CAREFUL, DAD. YOU'LL GET COOTIES.

HEY, I DON'T HAVE COOTIES.

OH, YEAH. WHAT'S THIS?

OH, CUT IT OUT.

DAN.

IT'S GETTING BIGGER!

IT'S GETTING BIGGER!

CUT IT OUT.

GET IN THE KITCHEN AND SPICE YOUR BLAND CHILI.

HEY, YOU CAN INSULT MY WIFE AND CHILDREN,

BUT DON'T BADMOUTH MY CHILI.

DEEJ, HAND ME THE GLUE.

YOU GUYS ARE DOING GOOD.

I'M IN CHARGE OF GLUE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

LOOK IN THE PICTURE. YOU NEED A DRAWBRIDGE.

YEAH, THAT'S COOL.

D.J., GO TO THE GARAGE

AND GET A PIECE OF WOOD THAT BIG.

DON'T MOVE YOUR FINGERS.

IT'S GOT TO BE EXACTLY THAT SIZE.

GREETINGS, ALIEN.

NOT NOW, MOM.

JACKIE, THE WASHER IS FREE.

OK, THANKS.

YOU'RE REALLY PUTTING IN SOME TIME ON THIS.

I KNOW.

IT MUST BE IMPORTANT.

NO, NOT REALLY.

JUST FOR FUN.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY JUST FOR FUN.

NO, NOT A STORY!

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A--

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL

WHO RAN AWAY FROM HOME,

'CAUSE HER MOTHER TOLD HER LONG, BORING STORIES.

SHUT UP, YOU.

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL QUEEN

WHO LIVED IN A BEAUTIFUL PALACE,

AND SHE HAD A BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY LITTLE DAUGHTER.

AND HER NAME WAS--

LET ME GUESS. DARLENE.

NO, SMART-MOUTH, IT WAS DARLENA.

THE BEAUTIFUL QUEEN WAS PUZZLED, AND SHE ASKED DARLENA,

"WHY ART THOU BUILDING THIS THING?"

AND DARLENA REPLIED,

"DON'T TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT.

JUST LIVE WITH IT."

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT, DARLENE?

WHAT?

LEVEL WITH ME.

MOM...

I'M FLUNKING HISTORY.

UH-HUH.

WELL, CRANE SAID

THAT IF I DID THIS CASTLE FOR EXTRA CREDIT

AND DID OK ON THE NEXT TEST,

I MIGHT PASS.

UH-HUH.

THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT TO GET THIS IN BY MONDAY.

WELL, THEN I'LL LET YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

YOU WON'T YELL AT ME?

NO.

YOU WON'T TELL ME HOW BRIGHT I AM,

BUT I NEVER APPLY MYSELF?

YOU DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT AGAIN, DO YOU?

I WENT OUT WITH HIM ON FRIDAY.

I WAS GOING TO GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN ON SATURDAY,

THEN I FOUND OUT HE WENT TO CHICAGO.

SO I LEAVE A MESSAGE ON HIS MACHINE.

I'M LIKE, "HI, HOW ARE YOU?"

YOU GOING TO STAY ON THAT PHONE ALL DAY?

I'LL BE OFF IN A SECOND.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONTACT HIM IN CHICAGO?

PLEASE HURRY UP.

I'M EXPECTING AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, DAN?

YOU DON'T HAVE CALL WAITING.

YOUR PROBLEM IS

YOU DON'T PAY MY PHONE BILL.

OK. OK.

THE PHONE'S ALL YOURS.

THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO USE MY TELEPHONE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I DON'T WANT TO COMPLAIN--

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO.

HOW DID YOU LIVE WITH HER?

I'D LOCK HER IN THE CLOSET

AND STUFF DOG FOOD UNDER THE DOOR.

SHE'S A MAJOR LEAGUE PAIN IN THE BUTT.

BUT YOU'RE REALLY SPOILED.

YOU LIVE WITH ME.

YOU'RE USED TO PERFECTION.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HERE IT IS. COME ON, DWIGHT.

HELLO?

DWIGHT, WHAT'S THE WORD?

YEAH.

THANKS ANYWAY.

YEAH, MAYBE NEXT WEEK.

RIGHT. BYE-BYE.

DAMN.

YOU WILL GET THE VERY NEXT JOB THAT COMES.

I HOPE SO.

I'M GOING NUTS SITTING AROUND HERE FOR TWO WEEKS.

I LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND.

BUT I FEEL TERRIBLE WHEN I AIN'T WORKING.

WELL, YOU WANT WORK?

OVER AT THE BLUE FLAMINGO

THEY'RE HIRING TOPLESS DANCERS.

I COULDN'T DO THAT WITH MY BAD KNEE.

I'D PUT A DOLLAR IN YOUR G-STRING.

GO GET YOUR PURSE.

MOM, DAD, YOU GOT TO TRY THIS.

THERE'S A TEST IN THIS TEEN-AGE LIFE,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE

OUR LOVEBIRD GUINEA PIGS.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE PLAYING GAMES.

HAVE WE GOT TO DO ANYTHING WEIRD?

YOU WISH.

JUST DO WHAT WE SAY.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU SIT.

YOU SIT.

ALL RIGHT, LAY THIS GAME ON US.

"EXERCISE ONE-- TANTALIZING WITH TOUCH."

I THINK I'LL LIKE THIS.

"THE OBJECT OF THIS EXERCISE

IS TO TRANSMIT A DEEPLY FELT EMOTION WITH YOUR HANDS."

OH, THIS IS CORNY.

ROSEANNE.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

OK. I CAN DO IT.

COME ON, YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW, THIS REALLY COULD HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

BE SERIOUS.

I'M SERIOUS. ARE YOU?

I'M SERIOUS.

OK. WE'RE SERIOUS.

ALL RIGHT. "FACE YOUR BOYFRIEND

AND TOUCH HANDS."

BUT MY BOYFRIEND'S NOT HERE.

WILL MY HUSBAND DO?

HE'LL HAVE TO DO.

"TRY TO COMMUNICATE AN EMOTION

WITHOUT SPEAKING."

HE'LL BE WRONG. I JUST KNOW IT.

OK. DAD, WHAT'S MOM THINKING?

SHE'S THINKING I'LL BE WRONG.

THIS IS GREAT.

WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN.

YAY!

COME ON, YOU TWO!

COME ON. TRY IT AGAIN.

OK. OK.

OK. I GOT IT.

I'M TRANSMITTING A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE HERE,

SO TUNE IN, LOVER BOY.

OH, I'M PICKING SOMETHING UP.

WHAT'S SHE TRYING TO TELL YOU?

SOMETHING I'VE WANTED TO HEAR

FOR A REAL LONG TIME.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S MOVING TO NORTH DAKOTA.

DAD...

THAT WAS A JOKE.

SOUTH DAKOTA.

SOMETIMES THERE'S A LOT OF TRUTH IN KIDDING.

DON'T PSYCHOANALYZE EVERYTHING I SAY.

BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

NO. I WANT TO KNOW. DO I IRRITATE YOU?

LET'S NOT GET INTO THIS.

NO, REALLY.

WHERE DO I BEGIN?

YOU DON'T.

AT THE BEGINNING.

YOU PICK ALL THE NUTS OUT OF THE ROCKY ROAD.

PUT ME IN FRONT OF A FIRING SQUAD.

I'M GOING TO PUT YOU BOTH THERE.

KNOCK WHEN YOU WALK IN.

YOU WANT ME TO KNOCK?

I'LL BLOW A TRUMPET IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

FINE. FINE!

CHILI'S READY!

COME ON, DAN. SPIT IT OUT.

YOU'RE OVER HERE ALL THE TIME.

WELL, IF YOU HAD A JOB, YOU WOULDN'T NOTICE SO MUCH.

GOSH, YOU SIMPLY MUST COME OVER MORE OFTEN, SIS.

DAN WENT OFF THE DEEP END.

HE JUST LOST A JOB.

THAT'S WHAT THE PHONE CALL WAS.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

YOU ALWAYS MANAGE TO SAY

THE MOST PERFECTLY WRONGEST THING

AT THE MOST PERFECTLY WRONGEST TIME.

JUST LIKE MOM.

WELL... OK. TAKE HIS SIDE.

THERE YOU GO. THAT'S TWO.

THAT IS THE MOST PERFECTLY WRONGEST THING YOU COULD HAVE SAID.

JUST THINK BEFORE YOU TALK.

YOU EXPECT ME TO APOLOGIZE?

NO, I DON'T.

I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

YOU ALWAYS DO, JUST LIKE MOM.

THAT'S THREE!

HE HAS BEEN ON MY CASE EVER SINCE I ARRIVED.

I'M NOT APOLOGIZING UNTIL HE APOLOGIZES TO ME.

MOM.

WHAT?

ARE THEY REALLY MAD AT EACH OTHER?

NO. THEY FIGHT

FOR THE SAME REASON YOU FIGHT WITH DARLENE--

TO TORTURE ME.

D.J., LOOK WHAT YOU DID.

MOM!

LOOK. YOU RUINED IT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

YOU'RE SO STUPID.

WHAT HAPPENED?

D.J. FELL ON MY CASTLE AND CRUSHED IT.

WE CAN FIX IT.

WE CAN'T. I'LL FLUNK HISTORY,

AND IT'S ALL D.J.'S FAULT.

OH, IT'S D.J.'S FAULT?

LOOK WHAT HE DID.

IT'S DEFINITELY HIS FAULT

THAT YOU DIDN'T STUDY ALL SEMESTER.

BUT HE WAS HERE--

IT'S HIS FAULT YOU LEFT THIS TILL THE LAST MINUTE?

YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE.

I'M NOT.

YOU'RE STRICT WITH ME AND BECKY.

D.J. GETS AWAY WITH MURDER.

WHO ARE YOU REALLY MAD AT?

D.J.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

IF I'D SCREWED AROUND ALL SEMESTER

AND WAS FLUNKING HISTORY,

I'D LOOK FOR A SCAPEGOAT, TOO.

I'M NOT.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

IT'S NOT FAIR!

D.J.!

COME DOWN HERE, HONEY.

IS DARLENE THERE?

NO. SHE'S GONE.

IT'S SAFE. COME ON DOWN.

LOOKS LIKE YOU REALLY REDECORATED DARLENE'S CASTLE THERE.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

I KNOW. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

DARLENE HATES ME.

SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU. SHE HATES HISTORY.

SHE SAID I WAS STUPID.

YOU'RE NOT STUPID.

YOU'RE JUST CLUMSY, LIKE YOUR DADDY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

DO YOU WANT TO BE MY OFFICIAL CHILI TASTER?

NO.

YOU'RE GOING TO SIT HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

YEP.

LET PEOPLE WALK ON YOU, PILE JUNK ON YOU?

YEP.

THAT AIN'T MUCH OF A LIFE,

BUT I'LL HELP YOU GET STARTED.

COME HERE.

PUT THIS ON.

I'LL GIVE YOU A HAT.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HUH?

HUH?

SHOULD I PUT THIS LOAD IN THE DRYER?

NO, I'LL DO IT.

GIDDY UP.

GIDDY UP.

GIDDY UP.

GIDDY UP.

OK, HORSIE, GET UP HERE.

I FINISHED FOLDING THE LAUNDRY.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE ONE OF MY THREE FAVORITE KIDS.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

NO.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME DELICIOUS CHILI?

YEP.

YOU READY FOR THE GREATEST CHILI IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?

ALL RIGHT. HERE YOU GO.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT BLAND.

THIS GARAGE IS A MESS.

I GOT TO GET IT ORGANIZED.

DAD, CAN I USE THIS?

NO, I NEED THAT.

ME, MYSELF, AND I.

MANNY M. MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GETTING SOME MORE WOOD.

YOU'RE GOING TO FIX THAT CASTLE?

YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL D.J.'S FAULT.

GOSH, DARLENE'S SO DOGGONE STUBBORN.

I WONDER WHERE SHE GETS IT FROM.

NOT FROM ME.

NO, IT COULDN'T BE FROM YOU.

ROSEANNE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

AND THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SISTER.

UM...I'M GOING TO GO CHECK INTO A MOTEL.

ANYBODY WE KNOW?

IT'D BE BETTER IF I STAYED SOMEWHERE ELSE.

HOW ABOUT THE PHILIPPINES?

KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YEAH, YOU.

I'M SMOOTHING THINGS OUT,

HE'S ACTING LIKE A BIG BABY.

TELL HER IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.

HOW DO YOU PUT UP WITH THIS GUY?

HIT THE BRICKS!

I KNOW THIS GAME.

IT'S CALLED "LET'S TEAR ROSEANNE APART."

YOU TAKE THIS ARM, AND YOU TAKE THIS ARM,

AND YOU BOTH PULL

TILL I SPLATTER INTO A PUDDLE.

SHE'S OVER HERE ALL THE TIME

BECAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER.

HE DON'T MEAN NOTHING.

HE'S JUST BLOWING OFF STEAM.

YOU TWO ARE WORSE THAN ALL THREE KIDS PUT TOGETHER.

YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.

YOU GOT TO GET IT TOGETHER.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY IN NO MOTEL.

THAT'S SILLY.

YOU CAN SLEEP OUT HERE.

SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING.

SHE DOES GET CARRIED AWAY SOMETIMES.

SHE TELLS EVERYBODY HOW TO LEAD THEIR LIVES.

SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

WELL, I DO!

AAH... AAH...

ISN'T THAT MOVIE OVER YET?

NO.

I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.

THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

YOU'RE ON MY BED.

JACKIE, YOUR BED IS MY SOFA.

HERE YOU GO, SIS.

DAN WON'T GET OFF THE COUCH.

HONEY, GET OFF THE COUCH.

SHH! THEY'RE GETTING READY FOR THE SHOWDOWN.

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CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1988 CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS