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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:07,165 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CAPITAL CITIESABC, INC. 2 00:01:18,734 --> 00:01:20,198 HOLD STILL, D.J. 3 00:01:20,234 --> 00:01:21,531 IT ITCHES. 4 00:01:21,567 --> 00:01:24,631 I JUST HAVE TO CUT OFF THIS ONE EAR. 5 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,731 MOM! 6 00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:28,866 GO TAKE YOUR FLEA BATH. 7 00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:32,931 LET ME WIPE YOU OFF. 8 00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:34,431 YOU LOOK GOOD, SCISSOR-HEAD. 9 00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:35,698 HA! 10 00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:37,731 ROSEANNE, LISTEN TO THIS. 11 00:01:37,767 --> 00:01:41,998 "UTAH HOUSEWIFE STABS HUSBAND 37 TIMES." 12 00:01:42,034 --> 00:01:43,732 I ADMIRE HER RESTRAINT. 13 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,398 CLOSE THAT DOOR. 14 00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:49,898 IT'S THE SAME STUFF 15 00:01:49,934 --> 00:01:52,432 THAT WAS IN THERE FIVE MINUTES AGO. 16 00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:53,766 WHAT'S FOR DINNER? 17 00:01:53,801 --> 00:01:54,765 MEATLOAF. 18 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,732 MEATLOAF? BUT YOU HATE MEATLOAF. 19 00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:59,464 I AIN'T EATING IT. 20 00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:02,464 ME AND YOUR DADDY'S GOING OUT FOR DINNER. 21 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:03,699 WHO'S BABYSITTING? 22 00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:05,199 WHO DO YOU THINK? 23 00:02:05,235 --> 00:02:06,932 ALL RIGHT! POKER! 24 00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:10,099 I CAN WIN MY ALLOWANCE BACK. 25 00:02:10,134 --> 00:02:12,598 YOU SHOULD MOVE TO LAS VEGAS 26 00:02:12,634 --> 00:02:15,099 AND OPEN UP A DAY-CARE CENTER. 27 00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,498 TOTS 'N' SLOTS. 28 00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:18,998 WHAT TIME SHOULD I BE BACK? 29 00:02:19,034 --> 00:02:21,265 OUR RESERVATION'S FOR 7:30. 30 00:02:21,301 --> 00:02:24,264 YOU'RE GETTING DAN TO WEAR A TIE 31 00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:25,765 AT A FANCY RESTAURANT? 32 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,265 TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT-- 33 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,631 AN EVENING OF DINING AND DANCING. 34 00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:32,098 YOU'RE GOING TO GET HIM TO DANCE? 35 00:02:32,134 --> 00:02:35,099 IF I HAVE TO BUST BOTH HIS LEGS. 36 00:02:35,134 --> 00:02:36,099 HEY, BABE. 37 00:02:36,134 --> 00:02:37,099 I'M HOME. 38 00:02:37,134 --> 00:02:38,599 HELLO, MY ADORING SPOUSE. 39 00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:39,599 HI, DAN. 40 00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,099 WANT A BEER? 41 00:02:41,134 --> 00:02:42,099 OH, YEAH. 42 00:02:42,134 --> 00:02:46,799 ME, TOO. GRAB A COUPLE FROM THE FRIDGE THERE. 43 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:50,865 [IMITATES GUN COCKING] 44 00:02:52,401 --> 00:02:54,032 WHAT'S FOR DINNER? 45 00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:55,765 YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING. 46 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,099 IF YOU'RE SERIOUS, YOU'RE DEAD. 47 00:02:59,134 --> 00:03:00,866 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 48 00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:03,999 DOES A CANDLELIGHT DINNER RING ANY BELLS? 49 00:03:04,034 --> 00:03:06,932 OH, NO, DATE NIGHT. 50 00:03:10,634 --> 00:03:12,865 VERY GOOD, MR. PSYCHIC. 51 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,865 ARE YOU SURE IT'S TONIGHT? 52 00:03:14,901 --> 00:03:16,799 YES, DAN, IT'S TONIGHT. 53 00:03:16,834 --> 00:03:18,565 HOW ABOUT THE WEEKEND? 54 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,399 NO, DAN, IT'S TONIGHT. 55 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,564 BUT, HONEY, IT'S TUESDAY. 56 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,065 THAT'S RIGHT. I FORGOT. 57 00:03:24,101 --> 00:03:26,065 RESTAURANTS DON'T SERVE MARRIED COUPLES 58 00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:27,698 ON TUESDAY NIGHT. 59 00:03:28,734 --> 00:03:32,298 AND I SUPPOSE WE GOT A SITTER? 60 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:35,032 RIGHT. I'LL JUST RUN BY THE MALL 61 00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,531 AND RETURN THIS BLOUSE. 62 00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:38,531 YOU ALREADY WORE IT ONCE. 63 00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,665 I ONLY NEEDED IT ONCE. 64 00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:42,531 IT'S CLEAN. 65 00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,531 I'LL BE BACK AT 7:00. 66 00:03:44,566 --> 00:03:46,032 THAT'S 7:00 TONIGHT. 67 00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,932 YES, I KNOW. 68 00:03:47,967 --> 00:03:50,432 AW, BEAV, I'M REALLY WORN OUT. 69 00:03:50,468 --> 00:03:52,799 CAN'T I GET A RAIN CHECK? 70 00:03:52,834 --> 00:03:54,299 AW, YOU TIRED, HONEY? 71 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,798 YEAH, I'M BEAT. 72 00:03:55,834 --> 00:03:57,299 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 73 00:03:57,335 --> 00:04:00,799 GO UP IN THE BEDROOM, SLIP OFF YOUR SHOES, 74 00:04:00,834 --> 00:04:03,799 AND GO SINK INTO A NICE, HOT TUB. 75 00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:04,799 THANKS, BABE. 76 00:04:04,834 --> 00:04:08,799 AND SLAP ON A TIE 'CAUSE WE'RE GOING OUT. 77 00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:10,165 A TIE? 78 00:04:10,201 --> 00:04:12,665 SINCE WHEN IS THERE A DRESS CODE 79 00:04:12,701 --> 00:04:14,199 AT JIMMY'S LAUGHING STEER? 80 00:04:14,234 --> 00:04:17,199 WE'RE NOT GOING TO JIMMY'S LAUGHING STEER. 81 00:04:17,235 --> 00:04:19,932 WE'RE GOING TO THE LANDFORD INN. 82 00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:21,932 WHOA, THAT'S A LITTLE STEEP. 83 00:04:21,968 --> 00:04:23,432 WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT. 84 00:04:23,468 --> 00:04:24,432 AHEM. 85 00:04:24,468 --> 00:04:25,432 WELL... 86 00:04:25,468 --> 00:04:27,632 IT'S TWO-FOR-ONE TUESDAY 87 00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,132 AT THE LANDFORD INN. 88 00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:30,265 COUPON! 89 00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:34,132 I GUESS THIS MEANS I GOT TO SHAVE. 90 00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:36,265 ONLY YOUR LEGS, HOT STUFF. 91 00:04:40,435 --> 00:04:42,432 HEY, THIS STUFF IS COOL. 92 00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:46,732 IT GOES ON YOUR EYELASHES, STUPID. 93 00:04:46,768 --> 00:04:49,364 NOT IF YOU'RE A FOOTBALL PLAYER. 94 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,865 OR A VAMPIRE. 95 00:04:50,901 --> 00:04:52,365 PUT THAT DOWN, HONEY, 96 00:04:52,401 --> 00:04:55,998 OR I'LL DRIVE A STAKE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEART. 97 00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:58,698 DO IT, MOM. 98 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,032 SHUT UP. 99 00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:06,765 MOM, YOU'RE DOING THAT ALL WRONG! 100 00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:08,264 I KNOW, HONEY, 101 00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:11,465 BUT THAT'S THE WAY YOUR DADDY LIKES IT. 102 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,465 SEE, FIRST YOU APPLY IT 103 00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:15,965 TO THE APPLE OF YOUR CHEEK, 104 00:05:16,001 --> 00:05:18,465 THEN BLEND IT DOWN YOUR CHEEKBONE. 105 00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:20,799 THAT'S HOW FAMOUS MODELS DO IT. 106 00:05:20,834 --> 00:05:22,299 ROSEANNE, WHERE'S JACKIE? 107 00:05:22,335 --> 00:05:25,464 I GIVE UP, DAN. WHERE IS JACKIE? 108 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:29,631 I DIDN'T PUT ON NO TIE TO EAT MEATLOAF, SEE. 109 00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:31,132 I CAN BABYSIT. 110 00:05:31,168 --> 00:05:33,631 YOU WON'T HAVE TO. SHE'LL SHOW UP. 111 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,132 WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T? 112 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,732 SHE WILL. 113 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,266 HONEY, GET AWAY FROM HERE, 114 00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:42,765 AND GIVE ME ALL THAT STUFF. 115 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:43,765 I'M 13. 116 00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:45,266 YOU'RE TOO YOUNG. 117 00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,765 CINDY CLARK'S MOTHER LET HER BABYSIT 118 00:05:47,801 --> 00:05:49,266 WHEN SHE WAS 9. 119 00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:52,565 CINDY CLARK'S MOM IS A DRUNKEN SLUT. 120 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,032 DAD, TELL HER I CAN BABYSIT. 121 00:05:55,068 --> 00:05:57,531 YOUR MOM'S RIGHT. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG. 122 00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:59,531 I HOPE JACKIE GETS HERE. 123 00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:02,799 IF SHE DOESN'T, WE'LL HAVE TO STAY HOME. 124 00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:05,299 IF AUNT JACKIE DOESN'T SHOW UP, 125 00:06:05,335 --> 00:06:06,798 GO AHEAD AND BABYSIT. 126 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,032 THANKS, MOM. 127 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,865 DON'T PUT MY SHOES ON, HONEY. 128 00:06:11,901 --> 00:06:13,999 PLEASE MOVE. MOVE, HONEY. 129 00:06:16,634 --> 00:06:18,431 OOH! SEX-Y! 130 00:06:18,467 --> 00:06:19,932 WHAT IS THAT? 131 00:06:19,968 --> 00:06:21,398 '55 T-BIRD? 132 00:06:21,433 --> 00:06:22,899 '39 PACKARD. 133 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,266 I GOT MYSELF 134 00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:28,298 ONE HECK OF A HOT DATE HERE. 135 00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:30,798 YEAH? IS HE BIGGER THAN ME? 136 00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:32,798 YOU DO LOOK PRETTY CUTE 137 00:06:32,834 --> 00:06:34,299 EXCEPT FOR ONE THING. 138 00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:35,299 BLEAH! 139 00:06:35,335 --> 00:06:36,965 YOU BROKE MY TIE! 140 00:06:37,867 --> 00:06:40,165 WEAR THE REAL ONE. 141 00:06:40,201 --> 00:06:41,165 AW... 142 00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,298 EH... 143 00:06:44,201 --> 00:06:46,165 IF MEMORY SERVES ME CORRECTLY, 144 00:06:46,201 --> 00:06:49,165 THERE'S A DANCE FLOOR AT THE LANDFORD INN. 145 00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,165 YOU KNOW I DON'T DANCE. 146 00:06:51,201 --> 00:06:54,365 WHY? YOU USED TO DANCE ALL THE TIME. 147 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,865 I KNEW STEPS THEN. 148 00:06:55,901 --> 00:06:57,865 WHY DOES A WEDDING RING 149 00:06:57,901 --> 00:07:01,232 MAKE A MAN'S FEET STOP MOVING? 150 00:07:01,268 --> 00:07:03,832 IT CUTS OFF THE CIRCULATION. 151 00:07:03,867 --> 00:07:06,898 JUST ONE SLOW DANCE? 152 00:07:06,933 --> 00:07:09,799 ROSIE, YOU KNOW I LIKE DANCING 153 00:07:09,834 --> 00:07:12,565 WITH MY SPECIAL GIRL EVERY NIGHT. 154 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,565 "SPECIAL GIRL"? WHO IS SHE? 155 00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,065 OH, I KNOW. 156 00:07:16,101 --> 00:07:18,565 IT'S THAT BIMBO AT THE SUPERMARKET 157 00:07:18,601 --> 00:07:21,165 WITH THE FLUORESCENT FINGERNAILS. 158 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,665 ROSEANNE, I PROMISE. 159 00:07:22,701 --> 00:07:25,798 YOU'RE THE ONLY BIMBO IN MY LIFE. 160 00:07:32,868 --> 00:07:35,099 WHICH RUG RAT STOLE MY LIPSTICK? 161 00:07:35,135 --> 00:07:36,865 D.J.'S COLORING WITH IT. 162 00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:39,332 D.J., YOU DIDN'T! 163 00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:41,965 SORRY. I RAN OUT OF RED. 164 00:07:45,601 --> 00:07:47,065 AUNT JACKIE'S NOT HERE. 165 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,232 YOU'RE LEAVING? 166 00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,865 OK, BECKY, YOU GET TO BABYSIT. 167 00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:53,132 ALL RIGHT! I'M IN CHARGE! 168 00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,631 YAY! ALL RIGHT! 169 00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:55,732 SETTLE DOWN. 170 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,232 WHAT ARE THE RULES? 171 00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:59,231 DON'T OPEN THE DOOR. 172 00:07:59,266 --> 00:08:00,632 IF SOMEBODY CALLS? 173 00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,565 DON'T SAY YOU'RE NOT HOME. 174 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:03,565 YOU SAY? 175 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,032 YOU CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE. 176 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,032 D.J.? 177 00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:08,332 9-1-1. 178 00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:10,266 GOOD BOY. WHAT ELSE? 179 00:08:10,301 --> 00:08:13,865 NO STOVE, NO MATCHES, NO FLAMES, NO FIRE. 180 00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:15,865 LET'S GET A MOVE ON. 181 00:08:15,901 --> 00:08:16,865 OK. 182 00:08:16,901 --> 00:08:19,365 IF BECKY HAS A HEART ATTACK, 183 00:08:19,401 --> 00:08:20,865 I'M IN CHARGE, RIGHT? 184 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:21,865 RIGHT. 185 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,266 BYE. 186 00:08:23,301 --> 00:08:25,565 IF DARLENE HAS A HEART ATTACK, 187 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,265 I'M IN CHARGE. 188 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:30,265 RIGHT. IF THEY'RE BOTH DEAD, YOU'RE IN CHARGE. 189 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,199 YAY. 190 00:08:32,235 --> 00:08:35,932 CINDY CLARK'S MOM PAYS HER $2.00 AN HOUR TO BABYSIT. 191 00:08:35,967 --> 00:08:39,065 CINDY CLARK'S MOM IS A RICH DRUNKEN SLUT. 192 00:08:39,968 --> 00:08:40,932 BYE BYE! 193 00:08:40,968 --> 00:08:42,498 GOOD NIGHT. 194 00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:43,699 GOOD NIGHT. 195 00:08:49,101 --> 00:08:51,665 STAY OUT OF OUR DRESSER DRAWERS! 196 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,898 [DOOR SLAMS] 197 00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:09,399 HI. RESERVATIONS FOR CONNER? 198 00:09:09,435 --> 00:09:10,399 THIS WAY. 199 00:09:10,435 --> 00:09:12,032 WATCH YOUR STEP, GRANDMA. 200 00:09:13,201 --> 00:09:16,765 THIS IS CHARLES. HE'LL BE YOUR WAITER. 201 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,765 I'M ROSEANNE. THIS IS DAN. 202 00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:20,398 WE'LL BE YOUR CUSTOMERS. 203 00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:25,065 OH, I GET IT. 204 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,398 OH, HOLD ON. 205 00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:29,398 ALLOW ME. 206 00:09:29,434 --> 00:09:30,898 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 207 00:09:30,934 --> 00:09:32,398 I'M BEING ROMANTIC. 208 00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:33,532 PARK IT. 209 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:39,632 SO, CHARLES, ARE YOU A STUDENT? 210 00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,632 UM, NO, I'M A WAITER. 211 00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,632 THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY SECOND GUESS. 212 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:45,632 THANK YOU. 213 00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:48,099 WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK? 214 00:09:48,134 --> 00:09:50,065 YEAH. SOMETHING WITH AN UMBRELLA. 215 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,632 SOMETHING TROPICALE. 216 00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:53,531 SIR? 217 00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:56,066 MAY I SEE YOUR WINE LIST? 218 00:09:56,101 --> 00:09:57,698 OOH. TRES GALANT. 219 00:09:59,268 --> 00:10:02,166 I'LL HAVE A BEER WHILE WE'RE WAITING. 220 00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:05,166 I'LL GET THOSE AND BE RIGHT BACK. 221 00:10:05,201 --> 00:10:06,665 PRETTY NICE PLACE. 222 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:07,665 YEAH! 223 00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:10,166 IT'S NICE GOING TO A RESTAURANT 224 00:10:10,201 --> 00:10:12,266 THAT DON'T HAVE A DRIVE-THRU. 225 00:10:12,301 --> 00:10:13,765 THIS AIN'T SO BAD. 226 00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:15,565 GLAD I SHAVED. 227 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,565 DAN, WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME? 228 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,498 I'D DO ANYTHING, HONEY. 229 00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:22,065 DANCE WITH ME. 230 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,398 EXCEPT THAT. 231 00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:25,065 I KNEW IT, YOU LIAR. 232 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:27,765 HEY... 233 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:28,765 WHAT? 234 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,932 DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT ISN'T THAT PATSY? 235 00:10:31,967 --> 00:10:33,866 I SAID NOT TO LOOK. 236 00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,865 HOW CAN I TELL IF I DON'T LOOK? 237 00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:39,499 WELL, LOOK, BUT DON'T LOOK LOOK. 238 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,132 THAT'S HER, ISN'T IT? 239 00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:47,332 YEAH, BUT THAT AIN'T BOB. 240 00:10:47,368 --> 00:10:48,332 NO KIDDING. 241 00:10:48,368 --> 00:10:49,965 WHO IS IT? 242 00:10:50,001 --> 00:10:52,465 OH, COME ON, IT'S SO OBVIOUS. 243 00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:53,965 THAT'S HER LOVER. 244 00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:55,498 SHE BROUGHT HIM HERE? 245 00:10:55,533 --> 00:10:57,631 THEY PROBABLY GOT A COUPON. 246 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,565 WHEN I HAVE AFFAIRS, 247 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,565 I ALWAYS GO TO THE NO-TELL MOTEL. 248 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,565 ME, TOO. 249 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,565 I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THERE. 250 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,199 I'M ALWAYS THERE. 251 00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:10,898 ME, TOO. 252 00:11:10,934 --> 00:11:12,865 MAYBE WE SHOULD CARPOOL. 253 00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:14,299 HERE SHE COMES. 254 00:11:14,334 --> 00:11:15,299 ROSEANNE? 255 00:11:15,335 --> 00:11:17,431 DAN, LOOK! IT'S PATSY! 256 00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,966 HI, PATSY! 257 00:11:19,001 --> 00:11:20,465 I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU 258 00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:23,132 SINCE THE PATTERSON'S BARBECUE LAST SUMMER. 259 00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:24,331 THAT'S RIGHT! 260 00:11:24,366 --> 00:11:25,465 WHERE'S BOB? 261 00:11:26,733 --> 00:11:29,199 OH, I GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW. 262 00:11:29,234 --> 00:11:31,699 BOB AND I GOT DIVORCED. 263 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,099 SORRY TO HEAR THAT. 264 00:11:33,135 --> 00:11:35,065 YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS HAPPEN. 265 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,632 ARE YOU OK, PATSY? 266 00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:40,631 YEAH. I MEAN, I WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT. 267 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:43,631 BOB JUST COULDN'T HANDLE MY GOING TO COLLEGE. 268 00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:46,232 YOU AIN'T GOING TO COLLEGE? 269 00:11:46,268 --> 00:11:47,731 THAT WAS THE PLAN-- 270 00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:50,732 WHEN THE KIDS LEFT, I'D GO TO SCHOOL. 271 00:11:50,768 --> 00:11:52,732 BOB SAID I COULDN'T GO. 272 00:11:52,768 --> 00:11:54,299 I SAID, "BYE." 273 00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:55,798 WELL, IT'S HIS LOSS. 274 00:11:55,834 --> 00:11:56,932 OH, THANKS. 275 00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:59,932 LISTEN, I'D BETTER GET BACK TO MY DATE. 276 00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:01,932 GREAT SEEING YOU. TAKE CARE! 277 00:12:01,967 --> 00:12:03,432 TAKE IT EASY, KID. 278 00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,432 BYE. 279 00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:07,932 BOY, THAT'S A SHAME ABOUT BOB AND PATSY. 280 00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:09,699 YEAH, IT REALLY IS. 281 00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:12,498 SHE'S HANDLING IT PRETTY GOOD, THOUGH. 282 00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:15,131 DAN, SHE IS A SHATTERED WOMAN. 283 00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:16,998 AND WHY? 284 00:12:17,034 --> 00:12:20,131 I BET BOB REFUSED TO DANCE WITH HER. 285 00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:23,532 HUMPH. 286 00:12:33,301 --> 00:12:36,265 TURN AROUND AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! 287 00:12:36,301 --> 00:12:39,832 I NEVER FIGURED BOB AND PATSY FOR A DIVORCE. 288 00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:43,332 THEY SHOULD HAVE STUCK IT OUT IN THE TRENCHES, 289 00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:46,332 DODGING THAT SHRAPNEL WITH THE REST OF US 290 00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:48,332 THAT BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE. 291 00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,332 THEY ALWAYS HUGGED AND KISSED. 292 00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:51,832 LIKE AT THAT BARBECUE, 293 00:12:51,867 --> 00:12:54,832 WHEN SHE WAS SITTING IN THAT LAWN CHAIR, 294 00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:58,832 RUNNING HER FINGERS THROUGH WHAT WAS LEFT OF HIS HAIR? 295 00:12:58,867 --> 00:13:00,532 YEAH, LIKE THAT. 296 00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:02,765 GET REAL. THEY WERE DOOMED. 297 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:03,766 WHY? 298 00:13:03,801 --> 00:13:05,264 ALL THAT LOVEY-DOVEY CRAP 299 00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:06,765 IS A DEAD GIVEAWAY. 300 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,632 FIGHTING KEEPS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER. 301 00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:15,231 IF THAT'S TRUE, WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER. 302 00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:18,198 DON'T COUNT ON IT, LOVERBOY. 303 00:13:18,233 --> 00:13:21,198 I GOT PLENTY OF REASONS TO DUMP YOU. 304 00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:22,198 NAME ONE. 305 00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:23,699 YOUR A COMPULSIVE LIST-MAKER. 306 00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:24,699 NAME TWO. 307 00:13:24,734 --> 00:13:25,699 SHUT UP. 308 00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:28,899 IF ANYBODY'S GOT GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE, IT'S ME. 309 00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:30,632 OH, YEAH? LIKE WHAT? 310 00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:34,133 LIKE YOU USING MY RAZOR TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS. 311 00:13:34,168 --> 00:13:37,632 LET ME PACK MY BAGS AND LEAVE IN SHAME. 312 00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:40,532 THAT WOULD HOLD UP IN ANY COURT. 313 00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:43,032 NOT AFTER I TELL THAT JURY 314 00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:45,032 THAT YOU HANG DIRTY UNDERWEAR 315 00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,599 UP ON THE DOORKNOB. 316 00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:47,599 OH, YEAH? 317 00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:49,599 WAIT TILL I TELL THEM 318 00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:51,599 THAT YOU'VE NEVER ACCOMPANIED ME 319 00:13:51,634 --> 00:13:53,599 TO THE ANNUAL LANDFORD SUBCONTRACTORS 320 00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:55,598 BEER BASH AND SOFTBALL GAME. 321 00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:56,832 YOU WOULDN'T. 322 00:13:56,867 --> 00:13:59,966 SO YOU'RE GOING TO DIVORCE ME, HUH? 323 00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:02,032 NOT ON YOUR LUCKIEST DAY, 324 00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:05,499 WHICH YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH WITHOUT ME ANYWAYS. 325 00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:08,498 CLOSE YOUR EYES AND COUNT TO THREE. 326 00:14:08,534 --> 00:14:11,431 IF YOU EVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT, 327 00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:14,431 I'D HAVE YOU HUNG UP BY YOUR TOES 328 00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:19,532 AND TORTURED BY BIZARRE LIQUID HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS. 329 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:20,532 OH, YEAH? 330 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:21,532 YEAH. 331 00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:22,532 I'D-- 332 00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:23,532 I'D-- 333 00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:24,565 YOU'D WHAT? 334 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,698 I'D LEAVE YOU THE KIDS. 335 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:31,164 YOU WOULDN'T! 336 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,665 ALL THREE OF THEM. 337 00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:34,198 I WOULDN'T TAKE THEM. 338 00:14:34,234 --> 00:14:35,198 ME, NEITHER. 339 00:14:35,233 --> 00:14:37,032 I'D GIVE THEM TO JACKIE. 340 00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:40,098 HELL, EVEN I DON'T HATE HER THAT MUCH. 341 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,065 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 342 00:14:56,101 --> 00:14:57,065 MAKING POPCORN. 343 00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,332 MOM SAID DON'T USE THE STOVE. 344 00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:01,232 I'M NOT USING THE STOVE. 345 00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:04,232 ARE YOU EATING IT OUT OF THE PAN? 346 00:15:04,267 --> 00:15:07,232 NO, I'M WAITING FOR LIGHTNING TO HIT IT. 347 00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:08,532 HERE. 348 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:11,765 THANKS, DEEJ. 349 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,399 WHAT'S THAT FOR? 350 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,465 WE'RE GOING TO MAKE POPCORN. 351 00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,433 WITH A HEATING PAD? 352 00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,399 DARLENE SAID IT WOULD WORK. 353 00:15:19,434 --> 00:15:20,899 OH, YEAH? 354 00:15:20,934 --> 00:15:22,399 MOM DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING 355 00:15:22,434 --> 00:15:24,365 AGAINST HEATING PADS. 356 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,932 GO RIGHT AHEAD, IT WON'T WORK. 357 00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:31,465 YOU HOLD THIS HERE UNTIL IT STARTS POPPING. 358 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:32,965 I KNOW THAT! 359 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,866 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 360 00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:37,866 DON'T SAY MOM AND DAD AREN'T HERE. 361 00:15:37,901 --> 00:15:39,365 I KNOW THAT! 362 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,365 HELLO? 363 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,366 UM, THEY CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. 364 00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:50,066 UM, THEY'RE IN THE SHOWER, YEAH. 365 00:15:50,101 --> 00:15:53,299 YEAH, BOTH OF THEM. 366 00:15:53,335 --> 00:15:56,299 OH, ABOUT TWO MORE HOURS. 367 00:15:56,335 --> 00:15:58,298 YEAH, OK. 368 00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,365 THANKS. BYE. 369 00:16:01,268 --> 00:16:02,732 WHO WAS THAT? 370 00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:05,233 I DON'T KNOW. 371 00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,565 [DOORBELL RINGS] 372 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,065 HOLD IT! I'LL GET THE DOOR! 373 00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:11,932 DARLENE, UNPLUG THAT THING. 374 00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:13,532 ASK WHO IT IS. 375 00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:15,632 I KNOW THAT, D.J. 376 00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,132 WHO IS IT? 377 00:16:17,167 --> 00:16:18,132 IT'S ME. 378 00:16:18,167 --> 00:16:19,332 ME WHO? 379 00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:22,432 AUNT JACKIE. OPEN THE DOOR. 380 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:25,432 BUT HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S REALLY YOU? 381 00:16:25,467 --> 00:16:27,866 IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, 382 00:16:27,901 --> 00:16:30,499 YOU'LL FIND OUT IT'S REALLY ME. 383 00:16:30,534 --> 00:16:33,032 WE CAN'T OPEN IT FOR ANYBODY! 384 00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,599 BECKY, I MEAN IT. 385 00:16:34,634 --> 00:16:35,832 YOU'RE LATE. 386 00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:40,132 WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 387 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:43,632 I WENT TO THE STORE AND RETURNED A BLOUSE. 388 00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:44,632 YEAH, SURE. 389 00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:47,365 JUST OPEN THE DOOR! 390 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,665 CAN'T. 391 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:52,366 I KNOW HOW TO GET IN. 392 00:16:52,401 --> 00:16:54,698 NO, YOU DON'T. 393 00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:57,698 I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN BABY-SIT. 394 00:16:57,733 --> 00:16:59,365 YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. 395 00:17:00,301 --> 00:17:02,199 AUNT JACKIE? 396 00:17:02,234 --> 00:17:03,832 BACK DOOR. 397 00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:05,498 YEAH. YEAH. 398 00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:14,765 DO YOU SEE HER? 399 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,266 SHH. I hear her. 400 00:17:16,301 --> 00:17:17,266 WHERE? 401 00:17:17,301 --> 00:17:18,698 SHH. 402 00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:24,999 AAH! 403 00:17:25,034 --> 00:17:26,565 AAH! AAH! AAH! 404 00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:34,532 I CALLED. 405 00:17:34,567 --> 00:17:36,032 DOPEY FINALLY SHOWED UP. 406 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,898 GREAT. 407 00:17:37,934 --> 00:17:39,398 NOW WHERE'S CHUCK? 408 00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:42,398 AH, RELAX. HE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE. 409 00:17:42,434 --> 00:17:43,898 I WANT MORE COFFEE. 410 00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:45,399 I'LL GO GET IT. 411 00:17:45,434 --> 00:17:46,498 SIT DOWN. 412 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,364 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 413 00:17:55,601 --> 00:17:57,331 YOU WANT SOME COFFEE? 414 00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:05,831 COFFEE? 415 00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,032 HEY THERE, GOOD-LOOKING. 416 00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:12,532 WHAT ABOUT A WARMUP? 417 00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:14,032 HIT ME, TRIXIE. 418 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,165 OOH. 419 00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:19,965 I'M A LITTLE BEHIND. 420 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,465 OH, THAT'S OK, CHUCK. 421 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,465 HEY, SHE WANTS A DECAF. 422 00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:24,765 THANKS. 423 00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,232 ROSIE, I'VE BEEN THINKING. 424 00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:29,865 DON'T DO THAT. 425 00:18:31,834 --> 00:18:34,799 I'M THINKING ABOUT ALL THE COUPLES WE KNOW, 426 00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:36,932 ALMOST ALL OF THEM DIVORCED. 427 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:39,565 MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY IT, TOO. 428 00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,099 MAYBE WE SHOULD. 429 00:18:42,134 --> 00:18:43,231 OK. 430 00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:47,364 THERE. WE'RE DIVORCED, MASTER. 431 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,099 THANKS, GENIE. 432 00:18:50,134 --> 00:18:52,299 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? 433 00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:54,965 FIRST, I'M GOING TO GO DANCING. 434 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,465 YEAH? THEN WHAT? 435 00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:58,966 WELL, WITH ALL THAT CHILD SUPPORT 436 00:18:59,001 --> 00:19:00,532 I'M GETTING FROM YOU, 437 00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:03,532 I'LL ENROLL THE KIDS IN A BOARDING SCHOOL, 438 00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:06,032 AND THEN WITH ALL THAT ALIMONY, 439 00:19:06,067 --> 00:19:07,532 I'LL QUIT MY JOB 440 00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:11,032 AND WATCH SOAP OPERAS ON MY BIG-SCREEN TV. 441 00:19:12,733 --> 00:19:14,465 WHAT YOU GOING TO DO? 442 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:17,631 I'LL COME TO YOUR PLACE AND WATCH FOOTBALL. 443 00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:25,498 YEAH, OVER MY PIT BULL'S DEAD BODY. 444 00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:28,498 I WANTED TO GIVE YOU MY NEW NUMBER. 445 00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:29,999 GREAT. I'LL CALL YOU. 446 00:19:30,034 --> 00:19:32,498 I ALSO WANTED TO SAY THANKS. 447 00:19:32,533 --> 00:19:33,565 WHAT FOR? 448 00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:35,565 YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW IT, 449 00:19:35,601 --> 00:19:38,565 BUT YOU INSPIRED ME TO GO TO COLLEGE. 450 00:19:38,601 --> 00:19:40,366 SHE DID? 451 00:19:40,401 --> 00:19:43,432 YOU TRYING TO PIN YOUR DIVORCE ON ME? 452 00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:45,932 NO. I PIN THAT ON BOB. 453 00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:47,598 REMEMBER THE BARBECUE? 454 00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:50,266 YOU TALKED ABOUT BECOMING A WRITER. 455 00:19:50,301 --> 00:19:52,233 YOU HAD ALL THESE DREAMS, 456 00:19:52,268 --> 00:19:54,199 AND NOTHING WOULD STOP YOU. 457 00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:55,965 I DO REMEMBER THAT. 458 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,465 IT GOT ME THINKING-- 459 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,465 IF NOTHING'S GOING TO STOP ROSEANNE, 460 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,099 THEN NOTHING'S GOING TO STOP ME. 461 00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:03,531 I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT. 462 00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:05,498 I'M GLAD I COULD HELP. 463 00:20:05,533 --> 00:20:07,598 PHIL'S WAITING. I GOT TO GO. 464 00:20:07,633 --> 00:20:09,099 GREAT SEEING YOU. 465 00:20:09,134 --> 00:20:10,531 YEAH. TAKE CARE, PATSY. 466 00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:11,732 BYE. 467 00:20:15,900 --> 00:20:19,366 YOU MUST HAVE HAD SOME TALK AT THAT BARBECUE. 468 00:20:19,401 --> 00:20:20,865 YOU MEN MISSED IT. 469 00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:22,366 YOU WERE ALL TALKING 470 00:20:22,401 --> 00:20:24,999 ABOUT HOW TO STACK CHARCOAL BRIQUETTES. 471 00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:28,132 YOU NEVER TOLD ME 472 00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:30,332 YOU STILL THOUGHT ABOUT WRITING. 473 00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:31,799 I THINK ABOUT THAT. 474 00:20:31,834 --> 00:20:35,232 THERE'S LOTS OF STUFF I STILL WANT TO DO. 475 00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:36,365 OH. 476 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,398 DOES THAT BOTHER YOU? 477 00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:40,266 NO. 478 00:20:40,301 --> 00:20:43,266 YOU GOT STUFF YOU WANT TO STILL DO. 479 00:20:43,301 --> 00:20:44,498 SURE. 480 00:20:44,533 --> 00:20:46,565 WELL? 481 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,065 YOU KNOW...WHAT IF WHAT YOU WANT TO DO 482 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:52,765 ISN'T WHAT I WANT TO DO? 483 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,531 WELL, WE WOULD WORK IT OUT SOMEHOW. 484 00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,032 WHAT IF WE CAN'T? 485 00:20:58,068 --> 00:21:00,299 WOULD YOU PULL A PATSY? 486 00:21:00,334 --> 00:21:02,032 YOU MEAN WALK OUT? 487 00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:03,198 YEAH. 488 00:21:04,267 --> 00:21:07,732 DAN, I'M HERE BECAUSE I WANT TO BE HERE. 489 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,365 I LOVE YOU. 490 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,366 WHAT ABOUT DOWN THE LINE? 491 00:21:13,401 --> 00:21:15,865 WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, 492 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:19,065 BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS, WE'D WORK IT OUT TOGETHER. 493 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,498 YEAH. I GUESS SO. 494 00:21:21,533 --> 00:21:22,531 FACE IT-- 495 00:21:22,567 --> 00:21:25,531 THIS MARRIAGE IS LIKE A LIFE SENTENCE 496 00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,665 WITH NO HOPE FOR PAROLE. 497 00:21:32,367 --> 00:21:33,965 WANT TO DANCE? 498 00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:40,365 I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK. 499 00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:29,498 OH, LOOK AT THAT. 500 00:22:29,534 --> 00:22:30,998 AREN'T THEY CUTE? 501 00:22:31,034 --> 00:22:34,765 I WONDER IF WE COULD GET AN ALL-NIGHT TAXIDERMIST. 502 00:22:36,867 --> 00:22:40,233 DON'T TURN IT OFF. YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP. 503 00:22:41,168 --> 00:22:43,165 SHOULD WE TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS? 504 00:22:43,201 --> 00:22:45,265 WANT TO CARRY THEM UP? 505 00:22:45,301 --> 00:22:46,832 NO. DO YOU? 506 00:22:46,868 --> 00:22:48,532 NO. 507 00:23:04,533 --> 00:23:06,131 LET'S GO TO BED. 508 00:23:15,968 --> 00:23:17,431 I REALLY HAD FUN. 509 00:23:17,467 --> 00:23:18,465 ME, TOO. 510 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:21,099 HOPE I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN. 511 00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:23,232 YOU CAN'T. 512 00:23:23,267 --> 00:23:26,398 I'M HAPPILY MARRIED, AND I LOVE MY HUSBAND. 513 00:23:26,434 --> 00:23:28,331 IS HE BIGGER THAN ME? 514 00:23:28,367 --> 00:23:30,265 MUST BE A LUCKY GUY. 515 00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:32,366 HE BETTER NOT FORGET IT. 516 00:23:37,534 --> 00:23:40,632 CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC. 517 00:23:43,267 --> 00:23:46,965 PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE 518 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,032 CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1988 CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS 46812

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