Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CAPITAL CITIESABC, INC.

HOLD STILL, D.J.

IT ITCHES.

I JUST HAVE TO CUT OFF THIS ONE EAR.

MOM!

GO TAKE YOUR FLEA BATH.

LET ME WIPE YOU OFF.

YOU LOOK GOOD, SCISSOR-HEAD.

HA!

ROSEANNE, LISTEN TO THIS.

"UTAH HOUSEWIFE STABS HUSBAND 37 TIMES."

I ADMIRE HER RESTRAINT.

CLOSE THAT DOOR.

IT'S THE SAME STUFF

THAT WAS IN THERE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

MEATLOAF.

MEATLOAF? BUT YOU HATE MEATLOAF.

I AIN'T EATING IT.

ME AND YOUR DADDY'S GOING OUT FOR DINNER.

WHO'S BABYSITTING?

WHO DO YOU THINK?

ALL RIGHT! POKER!

I CAN WIN MY ALLOWANCE BACK.

YOU SHOULD MOVE TO LAS VEGAS

AND OPEN UP A DAY-CARE CENTER.

TOTS 'N' SLOTS.

WHAT TIME SHOULD I BE BACK?

OUR RESERVATION'S FOR 7:30.

YOU'RE GETTING DAN TO WEAR A TIE

AT A FANCY RESTAURANT?

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT--

AN EVENING OF DINING AND DANCING.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET HIM TO DANCE?

IF I HAVE TO BUST BOTH HIS LEGS.

HEY, BABE.

I'M HOME.

HELLO, MY ADORING SPOUSE.

HI, DAN.

WANT A BEER?

OH, YEAH.

ME, TOO. GRAB A COUPLE FROM THE FRIDGE THERE.

[IMITATES GUN COCKING]

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.

IF YOU'RE SERIOUS, YOU'RE DEAD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DOES A CANDLELIGHT DINNER RING ANY BELLS?

OH, NO, DATE NIGHT.

VERY GOOD, MR. PSYCHIC.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S TONIGHT?

YES, DAN, IT'S TONIGHT.

HOW ABOUT THE WEEKEND?

NO, DAN, IT'S TONIGHT.

BUT, HONEY, IT'S TUESDAY.

THAT'S RIGHT. I FORGOT.

RESTAURANTS DON'T SERVE MARRIED COUPLES

ON TUESDAY NIGHT.

AND I SUPPOSE WE GOT A SITTER?

RIGHT. I'LL JUST RUN BY THE MALL

AND RETURN THIS BLOUSE.

YOU ALREADY WORE IT ONCE.

I ONLY NEEDED IT ONCE.

IT'S CLEAN.

I'LL BE BACK AT 7:00.

THAT'S 7:00 TONIGHT.

YES, I KNOW.

AW, BEAV, I'M REALLY WORN OUT.

CAN'T I GET A RAIN CHECK?

AW, YOU TIRED, HONEY?

YEAH, I'M BEAT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

GO UP IN THE BEDROOM, SLIP OFF YOUR SHOES,

AND GO SINK INTO A NICE, HOT TUB.

THANKS, BABE.

AND SLAP ON A TIE 'CAUSE WE'RE GOING OUT.

A TIE?

SINCE WHEN IS THERE A DRESS CODE

AT JIMMY'S LAUGHING STEER?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO JIMMY'S LAUGHING STEER.

WE'RE GOING TO THE LANDFORD INN.

WHOA, THAT'S A LITTLE STEEP.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

AHEM.

WELL...

IT'S TWO-FOR-ONE TUESDAY

AT THE LANDFORD INN.

COUPON!

I GUESS THIS MEANS I GOT TO SHAVE.

ONLY YOUR LEGS, HOT STUFF.

HEY, THIS STUFF IS COOL.

IT GOES ON YOUR EYELASHES, STUPID.

NOT IF YOU'RE A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

OR A VAMPIRE.

PUT THAT DOWN, HONEY,

OR I'LL DRIVE A STAKE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEART.

DO IT, MOM.

SHUT UP.

MOM, YOU'RE DOING THAT ALL WRONG!

I KNOW, HONEY,

BUT THAT'S THE WAY YOUR DADDY LIKES IT.

SEE, FIRST YOU APPLY IT

TO THE APPLE OF YOUR CHEEK,

THEN BLEND IT DOWN YOUR CHEEKBONE.

THAT'S HOW FAMOUS MODELS DO IT.

ROSEANNE, WHERE'S JACKIE?

I GIVE UP, DAN. WHERE IS JACKIE?

I DIDN'T PUT ON NO TIE TO EAT MEATLOAF, SEE.

I CAN BABYSIT.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO. SHE'LL SHOW UP.

WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T?

SHE WILL.

HONEY, GET AWAY FROM HERE,

AND GIVE ME ALL THAT STUFF.

I'M 13.

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

CINDY CLARK'S MOTHER LET HER BABYSIT

WHEN SHE WAS 9.

CINDY CLARK'S MOM IS A DRUNKEN SLUT.

DAD, TELL HER I CAN BABYSIT.

YOUR MOM'S RIGHT. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

I HOPE JACKIE GETS HERE.

IF SHE DOESN'T, WE'LL HAVE TO STAY HOME.

IF AUNT JACKIE DOESN'T SHOW UP,

GO AHEAD AND BABYSIT.

THANKS, MOM.

DON'T PUT MY SHOES ON, HONEY.

PLEASE MOVE. MOVE, HONEY.

OOH! SEX-Y!

WHAT IS THAT?

'55 T-BIRD?

'39 PACKARD.

I GOT MYSELF

ONE HECK OF A HOT DATE HERE.

YEAH? IS HE BIGGER THAN ME?

YOU DO LOOK PRETTY CUTE

EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.

BLEAH!

YOU BROKE MY TIE!

WEAR THE REAL ONE.

AW...

EH...

IF MEMORY SERVES ME CORRECTLY,

THERE'S A DANCE FLOOR AT THE LANDFORD INN.

YOU KNOW I DON'T DANCE.

WHY? YOU USED TO DANCE ALL THE TIME.

I KNEW STEPS THEN.

WHY DOES A WEDDING RING

MAKE A MAN'S FEET STOP MOVING?

IT CUTS OFF THE CIRCULATION.

JUST ONE SLOW DANCE?

ROSIE, YOU KNOW I LIKE DANCING

WITH MY SPECIAL GIRL EVERY NIGHT.

"SPECIAL GIRL"? WHO IS SHE?

OH, I KNOW.

IT'S THAT BIMBO AT THE SUPERMARKET

WITH THE FLUORESCENT FINGERNAILS.

ROSEANNE, I PROMISE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY BIMBO IN MY LIFE.

WHICH RUG RAT STOLE MY LIPSTICK?

D.J.'S COLORING WITH IT.

D.J., YOU DIDN'T!

SORRY. I RAN OUT OF RED.

AUNT JACKIE'S NOT HERE.

YOU'RE LEAVING?

OK, BECKY, YOU GET TO BABYSIT.

ALL RIGHT! I'M IN CHARGE!

YAY! ALL RIGHT!

SETTLE DOWN.

WHAT ARE THE RULES?

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR.

IF SOMEBODY CALLS?

DON'T SAY YOU'RE NOT HOME.

YOU SAY?

YOU CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE.

D.J.?

9-1-1.

GOOD BOY. WHAT ELSE?

NO STOVE, NO MATCHES, NO FLAMES, NO FIRE.

LET'S GET A MOVE ON.

OK.

IF BECKY HAS A HEART ATTACK,

I'M IN CHARGE, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

BYE.

IF DARLENE HAS A HEART ATTACK,

I'M IN CHARGE.

RIGHT. IF THEY'RE BOTH DEAD, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

YAY.

CINDY CLARK'S MOM PAYS HER $2.00 AN HOUR TO BABYSIT.

CINDY CLARK'S MOM IS A RICH DRUNKEN SLUT.

BYE BYE!

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

STAY OUT OF OUR DRESSER DRAWERS!

[DOOR SLAMS]

HI. RESERVATIONS FOR CONNER?

THIS WAY.

WATCH YOUR STEP, GRANDMA.

THIS IS CHARLES. HE'LL BE YOUR WAITER.

I'M ROSEANNE. THIS IS DAN.

WE'LL BE YOUR CUSTOMERS.

OH, I GET IT.

OH, HOLD ON.

ALLOW ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M BEING ROMANTIC.

PARK IT.

SO, CHARLES, ARE YOU A STUDENT?

UM, NO, I'M A WAITER.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY SECOND GUESS.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK?

YEAH. SOMETHING WITH AN UMBRELLA.

SOMETHING TROPICALE.

SIR?

MAY I SEE YOUR WINE LIST?

OOH. TRES GALANT.

I'LL HAVE A BEER WHILE WE'RE WAITING.

I'LL GET THOSE AND BE RIGHT BACK.

PRETTY NICE PLACE.

YEAH!

IT'S NICE GOING TO A RESTAURANT

THAT DON'T HAVE A DRIVE-THRU.

THIS AIN'T SO BAD.

GLAD I SHAVED.

DAN, WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME?

I'D DO ANYTHING, HONEY.

DANCE WITH ME.

EXCEPT THAT.

I KNEW IT, YOU LIAR.

HEY...

WHAT?

DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT ISN'T THAT PATSY?

I SAID NOT TO LOOK.

HOW CAN I TELL IF I DON'T LOOK?

WELL, LOOK, BUT DON'T LOOK LOOK.

THAT'S HER, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, BUT THAT AIN'T BOB.

NO KIDDING.

WHO IS IT?

OH, COME ON, IT'S SO OBVIOUS.

THAT'S HER LOVER.

SHE BROUGHT HIM HERE?

THEY PROBABLY GOT A COUPON.

WHEN I HAVE AFFAIRS,

I ALWAYS GO TO THE NO-TELL MOTEL.

ME, TOO.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THERE.

I'M ALWAYS THERE.

ME, TOO.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CARPOOL.

HERE SHE COMES.

ROSEANNE?

DAN, LOOK! IT'S PATSY!

HI, PATSY!

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

SINCE THE PATTERSON'S BARBECUE LAST SUMMER.

THAT'S RIGHT!

WHERE'S BOB?

OH, I GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW.

BOB AND I GOT DIVORCED.

SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

ARE YOU OK, PATSY?

YEAH. I MEAN, I WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT.

BOB JUST COULDN'T HANDLE MY GOING TO COLLEGE.

YOU AIN'T GOING TO COLLEGE?

THAT WAS THE PLAN--

WHEN THE KIDS LEFT, I'D GO TO SCHOOL.

BOB SAID I COULDN'T GO.

I SAID, "BYE."

WELL, IT'S HIS LOSS.

OH, THANKS.

LISTEN, I'D BETTER GET BACK TO MY DATE.

GREAT SEEING YOU. TAKE CARE!

TAKE IT EASY, KID.

BYE.

BOY, THAT'S A SHAME ABOUT BOB AND PATSY.

YEAH, IT REALLY IS.

SHE'S HANDLING IT PRETTY GOOD, THOUGH.

DAN, SHE IS A SHATTERED WOMAN.

AND WHY?

I BET BOB REFUSED TO DANCE WITH HER.

HUMPH.

TURN AROUND AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

I NEVER FIGURED BOB AND PATSY FOR A DIVORCE.

THEY SHOULD HAVE STUCK IT OUT IN THE TRENCHES,

DODGING THAT SHRAPNEL WITH THE REST OF US

THAT BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE.

THEY ALWAYS HUGGED AND KISSED.

LIKE AT THAT BARBECUE,

WHEN SHE WAS SITTING IN THAT LAWN CHAIR,

RUNNING HER FINGERS THROUGH WHAT WAS LEFT OF HIS HAIR?

YEAH, LIKE THAT.

GET REAL. THEY WERE DOOMED.

WHY?

ALL THAT LOVEY-DOVEY CRAP

IS A DEAD GIVEAWAY.

FIGHTING KEEPS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER.

IF THAT'S TRUE, WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

DON'T COUNT ON IT, LOVERBOY.

I GOT PLENTY OF REASONS TO DUMP YOU.

NAME ONE.

YOUR A COMPULSIVE LIST-MAKER.

NAME TWO.

SHUT UP.

IF ANYBODY'S GOT GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE, IT'S ME.

OH, YEAH? LIKE WHAT?

LIKE YOU USING MY RAZOR TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS.

LET ME PACK MY BAGS AND LEAVE IN SHAME.

THAT WOULD HOLD UP IN ANY COURT.

NOT AFTER I TELL THAT JURY

THAT YOU HANG DIRTY UNDERWEAR

UP ON THE DOORKNOB.

OH, YEAH?

WAIT TILL I TELL THEM

THAT YOU'VE NEVER ACCOMPANIED ME

TO THE ANNUAL LANDFORD SUBCONTRACTORS

BEER BASH AND SOFTBALL GAME.

YOU WOULDN'T.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO DIVORCE ME, HUH?

NOT ON YOUR LUCKIEST DAY,

WHICH YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH WITHOUT ME ANYWAYS.

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND COUNT TO THREE.

IF YOU EVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

I'D HAVE YOU HUNG UP BY YOUR TOES

AND TORTURED BY BIZARRE LIQUID HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

I'D--

I'D--

YOU'D WHAT?

I'D LEAVE YOU THE KIDS.

YOU WOULDN'T!

ALL THREE OF THEM.

I WOULDN'T TAKE THEM.

ME, NEITHER.

I'D GIVE THEM TO JACKIE.

HELL, EVEN I DON'T HATE HER THAT MUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MAKING POPCORN.

MOM SAID DON'T USE THE STOVE.

I'M NOT USING THE STOVE.

ARE YOU EATING IT OUT OF THE PAN?

NO, I'M WAITING FOR LIGHTNING TO HIT IT.

HERE.

THANKS, DEEJ.

WHAT'S THAT FOR?

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE POPCORN.

WITH A HEATING PAD?

DARLENE SAID IT WOULD WORK.

OH, YEAH?

MOM DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING

AGAINST HEATING PADS.

GO RIGHT AHEAD, IT WON'T WORK.

YOU HOLD THIS HERE UNTIL IT STARTS POPPING.

I KNOW THAT!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

DON'T SAY MOM AND DAD AREN'T HERE.

I KNOW THAT!

HELLO?

UM, THEY CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.

UM, THEY'RE IN THE SHOWER, YEAH.

YEAH, BOTH OF THEM.

OH, ABOUT TWO MORE HOURS.

YEAH, OK.

THANKS. BYE.

WHO WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HOLD IT! I'LL GET THE DOOR!

DARLENE, UNPLUG THAT THING.

ASK WHO IT IS.

I KNOW THAT, D.J.

WHO IS IT?

IT'S ME.

ME WHO?

AUNT JACKIE. OPEN THE DOOR.

BUT HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S REALLY YOU?

IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR,

YOU'LL FIND OUT IT'S REALLY ME.

WE CAN'T OPEN IT FOR ANYBODY!

BECKY, I MEAN IT.

YOU'RE LATE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I WENT TO THE STORE AND RETURNED A BLOUSE.

YEAH, SURE.

JUST OPEN THE DOOR!

CAN'T.

I KNOW HOW TO GET IN.

NO, YOU DON'T.

I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN BABY-SIT.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

AUNT JACKIE?

BACK DOOR.

YEAH. YEAH.

DO YOU SEE HER?

SHH. I hear her.

WHERE?

SHH.

AAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

I CALLED.

DOPEY FINALLY SHOWED UP.

GREAT.

NOW WHERE'S CHUCK?

AH, RELAX. HE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

I WANT MORE COFFEE.

I'LL GO GET IT.

SIT DOWN.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?

COFFEE?

HEY THERE, GOOD-LOOKING.

WHAT ABOUT A WARMUP?

HIT ME, TRIXIE.

OOH.

I'M A LITTLE BEHIND.

OH, THAT'S OK, CHUCK.

HEY, SHE WANTS A DECAF.

THANKS.

ROSIE, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

DON'T DO THAT.

I'M THINKING ABOUT ALL THE COUPLES WE KNOW,

ALMOST ALL OF THEM DIVORCED.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY IT, TOO.

MAYBE WE SHOULD.

OK.

THERE. WE'RE DIVORCED, MASTER.

THANKS, GENIE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

FIRST, I'M GOING TO GO DANCING.

YEAH? THEN WHAT?

WELL, WITH ALL THAT CHILD SUPPORT

I'M GETTING FROM YOU,

I'LL ENROLL THE KIDS IN A BOARDING SCHOOL,

AND THEN WITH ALL THAT ALIMONY,

I'LL QUIT MY JOB

AND WATCH SOAP OPERAS ON MY BIG-SCREEN TV.

WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?

I'LL COME TO YOUR PLACE AND WATCH FOOTBALL.

YEAH, OVER MY PIT BULL'S DEAD BODY.

I WANTED TO GIVE YOU MY NEW NUMBER.

GREAT. I'LL CALL YOU.

I ALSO WANTED TO SAY THANKS.

WHAT FOR?

YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW IT,

BUT YOU INSPIRED ME TO GO TO COLLEGE.

SHE DID?

YOU TRYING TO PIN YOUR DIVORCE ON ME?

NO. I PIN THAT ON BOB.

REMEMBER THE BARBECUE?

YOU TALKED ABOUT BECOMING A WRITER.

YOU HAD ALL THESE DREAMS,

AND NOTHING WOULD STOP YOU.

I DO REMEMBER THAT.

IT GOT ME THINKING--

IF NOTHING'S GOING TO STOP ROSEANNE,

THEN NOTHING'S GOING TO STOP ME.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT.

I'M GLAD I COULD HELP.

PHIL'S WAITING. I GOT TO GO.

GREAT SEEING YOU.

YEAH. TAKE CARE, PATSY.

BYE.

YOU MUST HAVE HAD SOME TALK AT THAT BARBECUE.

YOU MEN MISSED IT.

YOU WERE ALL TALKING

ABOUT HOW TO STACK CHARCOAL BRIQUETTES.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME

YOU STILL THOUGHT ABOUT WRITING.

I THINK ABOUT THAT.

THERE'S LOTS OF STUFF I STILL WANT TO DO.

OH.

DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

NO.

YOU GOT STUFF YOU WANT TO STILL DO.

SURE.

WELL?

YOU KNOW...WHAT IF WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

ISN'T WHAT I WANT TO DO?

WELL, WE WOULD WORK IT OUT SOMEHOW.

WHAT IF WE CAN'T?

WOULD YOU PULL A PATSY?

YOU MEAN WALK OUT?

YEAH.

DAN, I'M HERE BECAUSE I WANT TO BE HERE.

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT ABOUT DOWN THE LINE?

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN,

BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS, WE'D WORK IT OUT TOGETHER.

YEAH. I GUESS SO.

FACE IT--

THIS MARRIAGE IS LIKE A LIFE SENTENCE

WITH NO HOPE FOR PAROLE.

WANT TO DANCE?

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

AREN'T THEY CUTE?

I WONDER IF WE COULD GET AN ALL-NIGHT TAXIDERMIST.

DON'T TURN IT OFF. YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP.

SHOULD WE TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS?

WANT TO CARRY THEM UP?

NO. DO YOU?

NO.

LET'S GO TO BED.

I REALLY HAD FUN.

ME, TOO.

HOPE I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN.

YOU CAN'T.

I'M HAPPILY MARRIED, AND I LOVE MY HUSBAND.

IS HE BIGGER THAN ME?

MUST BE A LUCKY GUY.

HE BETTER NOT FORGET IT.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1988 CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS