Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CAPITAL CITIESABC, INC.

I'M SERIOUS.

HE'LL STILL LIKE YOU.

BREAKFAST!

YEAH. SHE IS SUCH A DOG!

ANY JAM?

NO.

POW POW!

MOM, WHERE'S MY ENGLISH BOOK?

I SOLD IT.

MOM.

ON TOP OF THE TV.

SEE YOU AT SCHOOL. BYE.

I GOT A KNOT IN MY SHOE.

WEAR LOAFERS.

COME ON.

ALL RIGHT. GIVE IT HERE.

CAN I HAVE PIE FOR BREAKFAST?

NO. THAT'S CONTAMINATED.

SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.

DON'T SPILL YOUR MILK TODAY, NEITHER.

HERE YOU GO.

IS THERE COFFEE?

DAN?

YEAH?

ISN'T THERE COFFEE EVERY MORNING?

YES.

IN THE 15 YEARS WE'VE BEEN MARRIED,

HAS THERE EVER BEEN ONE MORNING WITHOUT COFFEE?

NO.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK EVERY MORNING IF THERE'S COFFEE?

IS THERE TOAST?

WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH YOU?

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

OUR SCHOOL'S HAVING A FOOD DRIVE FOR POOR PEOPLE.

TELL THEM TO DRIVE SOME OF THAT FOOD HERE.

MOTHER.

TWO CANS.

DON'T TOUCH THAT CREAMED CORN.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'LL GET IT! HELLO.

MOM!

HE STARTED IT.

KNOCK IT OFF. STOP IT.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

YOU HEARD YOUR FATHER.

CONNIE, DON'T TELL HIM THAT.

GET OFF THE PHONE.

MOM.

NOW.

I GOT TO GO.

BYE.

DAD, KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GOOD FOR BREAKFAST?

WHAT?

PIE.

TELL HIM NO.

NO.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

OH, HI!

I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR, AND I'M GETTING BOOBS.

BECKY CAN'T TALK NOW.

OH, GOSH. I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU THIS.

MY HISTORY TEACHER WANTS TO MEET WITH YOU AT 3:15.

TODAY?

UH-HUH.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE

TO TELL ME? I'VE GOT A LIFE, TOO.

SORRY. WHAT SHOULD I DO--JUMP OFF A BRIDGE?

YEAH. TAKE YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER WITH YOU.

[HORN HONKS]

YOU DIDN'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME.

WE'LL MISS THE BUS.

HEY, YOU.

BYE.

BYE.

BYE.

QUICK. THEY'RE GONE. CHANGE THE LOCKS.

WHAT IS IT?

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO PICK.

WHAT?

I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LEAVING TOAST CRUMBS

ON THE BUTTER.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

YOU DON'T LIKE PEOPLE LEAVING JELLY

IN THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR.

THAT'S SICKENING.

SAME THING.

IS NOT.

'FRAID SO.

OH, ALL RIGHT. HERE.

NICE FRESH BUTTER. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

I LOVE YOU, DARLIN'.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[HORN HONKS]

SAVE ME THAT DETERGENT COUPON.

BECKY!

DAN.

WHAT?

THE SINK'S BACKED UP AGAIN.

I'LL PLUNGE IT AFTER BREAKFAST.

DON'T PLUNGE IT. FIX IT.

YOU GOT IT, BABE.

YOU GOT TO FIX IT TODAY.

ABSOLUTELY.

MY BOOK BAG FELL APART.

I BOUGHT IT YESTERDAY.

[HORN HONKS]

PLEASE, TAKE IT BACK.

I'LL DO IT AFTER WORK.

THANKS.

BYE!

GOODBYE.

COULD YOU MEET WITH DARLENE'S TEACHER TODAY?

NO. I'M BIDDING ON A JOB.

IF I GET IT, CONSTRUCTION STARTS THIS AFTERNOON.

COULD YOU FIT EXCHANGING THIS BOOK BAG INTO YOUR TIGHT SCHEDULE?

EITHER THAT OR FIX THE SINK.

OK. FIX THE SINK.

I'LL DO EVERYTHING ELSE, LIKE I ALWAYS DO.

I'LL HAVE TO GET OFF WORK AN HOUR EARLY,

LOSE AN HOUR'S PAY,

REARRANGE MY WHOLE SCHEDULE.

BUT I DON'T MIND.

ARE YOU EVER SORRY WE GOT MARRIED?

EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE.

ME, TOO.

YOU ARE, REALLY?

NAH.

OK. ME, NEITHER, THEN.

OK.

HEY, WHO WOULD YOU HAVE MARRIED

IF YOU DIDN'T MARRY ME?

ROSIE.

COME ON. WHO?

NO ONE.

I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T.

WHO?

JUST TELL ME. I WON'T GET MAD.

I KNOW. BETH WINCHESTER.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH.

I SWEAR I WON'T GET MAD.

JUST TELL.

JOSEPHINE CARTER.

JOESPHINE CARTER-- THAT OLD SLUT?

SHE HAD GREAT TOES.

TOES?

SHE USED TO SIT THERE AND CROSS HER LEGS,

AND DANGLE HER SHOE OFF THE END OF HER TOE.

IT DROVE ME CRAZY.

YOU WOULD'VE MARRIED HER FOR THAT?

YES, MA'AM.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, THE MORNING I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE,

I TOOK HER TO THIS LITTLE COFFEE SHOP--

A QUIET, OUT-OF-THE-WAY PLACE.

JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO POP THE QUESTION,

SHE SMEARED TOAST CRUMBS ALL OVER HER BUTTER.

I GOT UP. I LEFT.

I DIDN'T EVEN PAY THE CHECK.

YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY CUTE, DON'T YOU?

PRETTY MUCH.

IT'S NOT AN EMPLOYEE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEAT IT TO GET IT TO WORK.

THANK YOU.

I GOT TO GET OFF AN HOUR EARLY TODAY.

I CAN'T DO IT.

WE'RE 200 CASES BEHIND ON THAT GELMAN ORDER.

BUT I GO TO, BOOKER.

IT'S REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND MY POSITION.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND MINE.

I GOT TO TALK TO MY KID'S TEACHER.

ROSEANNE,

HERE AT WELLMAN PLASTICS,

WE ARE A TEAM.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE US A WINNING TEAM.

ALL PLAYERS ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT.

RUNNING BACKS EQUAL PULLING GUARDS.

PULLING GUARDS--

YEAH. I GOT IT.

IT'S LIKE A BIG OLD QUILTING BEE.

A WHAT?

WHERE ALL THE BAREFOOT WOMEN ON THE PRAIRIE

GET TOGETHER AND ALL STITCH

ONE REALLY INCREDIBLE QUILT.

NO ONE PATCH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OTHER PATCH.

UH-HUH?

THE WOMAN SEWING THIS PATCH HAS TO GET OFF AN HOUR EARLY.

LOOK, ROSEANNE--

I'M LOOKING. GIVE ME A BREAK.

I'LL GIVE YOU HALF AN HOUR.

IT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR CHECK.

WELL, THERE GOES THE PORSCHE.

BOOKER, CAN I HAVE--

NO.

CARA DE BURRO.

DO WE HAVE ANY ACTUAL SUGAR?

I GOT SOME.

YAY. THANKS.

BOOKER GIVING YOU A HARD TIME?

NO, HE'S GIVING ME THAT OLD FOOTBALL SPEECH.

YEAH, THE RUNNING BACKS

ARE NO MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PULLING GUARDS.

RIGHT.

WHEN A GUY TALKS SPORTS

IT DOES SOMETHING TO ME.

THE ONLY THING THAT'S MORE EXCITING

IS WHEN DAN TALKS ABOUT HYDRAULIC JACKS.

YOU CAN JOKE. YOU'VE GOT THE IDEAL MAN.

OH, IDEAL, HUH?

I'D GIVE ANYTHING FOR A MAN LIKE DAN.

HE STAYS HOME, HE'S GOOD TO THE KIDS,

AND HE'S HYGIENIC.

WELL, CRYSTAL, YOU THINK HE CAME THAT WAY?

15 YEARS OF FIGHTING MADE HIM LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE FULL OF IT.

I'M SERIOUS.

GOOD MEN DON'T JUST HAPPEN,

THEY'RE CREATED BY WOMEN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

I DO KNOW EVERYTHING, CRYSTAL.

A GUY IS A LUMP, LIKE THIS DOUGHNUT.

OK, FIRST...

YOU GET RID OF ALL THE STUFF HIS MOM DID TO HIM.

THEN YOU GET RID OF ALL THAT MACHO CRAP

THEY PICK UP FROM BEER COMMERCIALS.

AND THEN THERE'S MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,

THE MALE EGO.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

SISTER.

HI, SIS.

ROSEANNE.

WHAT?

DO YOU REALIZE MOST PEOPLE

USE ONLY 2% OF THEIR MINDS' POTENTIAL?

THAT MUCH, HUH?

LAST NIGHT, I WENT TO THIS INCREDIBLE SEMINAR.

WHAT NOW, DARE TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

SEE IT AND BE IT.

BE WHAT?

HI, JACKIE.

HEY, CRYSTAL.

ROSEANNE, THIS GUY, DR. JERRY MACKLIN,

TEACHES YOU TO TAP INTO

THE HIDDEN TREASURES OF YOUR UNCONSCIOUS MIND.

HE DOES?

HE GOES, "IF YOUR MIND CAN CONCEIVE IT,

THEN YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT."

ACHIEVE WHAT?

SIS WENT TO ANOTHER OF HER INCREDIBLE SEMINARS.

GREAT, IT'S GREAT.

MAYBE I SHOULD GO.

SEE IT AND BE IT.

THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

I'D LOVE TO CHANGE MY LIFE.

FOR ONLY $30.00. IT'S A ONE-NIGHT COURSE.

YOU GET THE BASICS OF VISUALIZATION.

VISUALIZATION?

USING YOUR MIND'S POTENTIAL TO GET ANYTHING.

WANT A BRAND-NEW CAR? JUST VISUALIZE IT.

THAT SOUNDS EASY ENOUGH.

MAYBE YOU'RE ONTO SOMETHING, SIS.

GET OUT OF HERE.

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M VISUALIZING A CLEAN HOUSE...

KIDS WHO DON'T TALK BACK...

A HUSBAND WHO WAITS ON ME HAND AND FOOT.

YOU CAN HAVE THAT.

AND WE'RE ALL GETTING IN CRYSTAL'S BRAND NEW CAR,

AND WE'RE DRIVING UP THIS BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAIN ROAD

TO GO TO THE COUNTRYSIDE...

TO VISIT MY SISTER IN THE NUT BARN.

DO YOU TEACH HISTORY?

YES, I'M MS. CRANE.

HI, I'M DARLENE'S MOM.

I'D GIVEN UP ON YOU. YOU'RE LATE.

I COULDN'T GET HERE SOONER.

WE CAN'T DO THIS TODAY.

WHAT?

I HAVE ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT.

WHAT, YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY TENNIS?

SQUASH.

COULD WE DO THIS ANOTHER DAY?

NO.

I HAD TO GET OFF EARLY AND LOSE PAY--

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL DO IT.

SIT DOWN.

DARLENE HAS BEEN DEMONSTRATING BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

SHE'S BEEN BARKING IN CLASS.

BARKING?

LIKE A DOG.

TELL HER TO STOP.

I DID.

DID SHE STOP IT?

SHE STOPPED.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I FEEL THIS BARKING IS AN AGGRESSIVE MANIFESTATION

OF A DEEPER INTERNAL PROBLEM.

HUH?

LET ME EXPLAIN.

WE HAVE FOUND THAT WHEN BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS

ARISE IN THE CLASSROOM,

IT USUALLY INDICATES A PROBLEM AT HOME.

UH-HUH?

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAUGHTER?

I'D SAY IT'S TYPICAL.

TYPICAL, NOT SPECIAL?

TYPICAL.

DO YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER?

YOU MEAN LIKE QUALITY TIME?

YES. DO YOU SPEND ANY FREE TIME WITH DARLENE?

I WORK AND HAVE THREE KIDS.

I HAVE NO FREE TIME.

SEE, NOW THAT MAY BE THE PROBLEM.

THERE IS NO PROBLEM.

YOUR DAUGHTER BARKS.

OUR WHOLE FAMILY BARKS.

HI HONEY.

YOU WANT SOME HELP?

NO, I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO STRAIN YOURSELF.

NOW WHERE IS YOUR FATHER?

WHO?

YOU KNOW, THE GUY I'M MARRIED TO?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GOING TO PLAY WITH MY TRUCKS.

DJ, KNOW ANYTHIG ABOUT THIS?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT THIS PIE. DID YOU EAT IT?

NO.

NOT EVEN A NIBBLE?

NO.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

DIRT.

IT TASTES LIKE BLUEBERRY DIRT.

MOM, GUESS WHAT?

I STRUCK OUT MARK WINSTEAD SIX TIMES.

HE THREW HIS BAT AT ME AND CRIED, THE WIMP.

MOM?

CAN I GO TO BILLY'S?

YOU CAN'T GO NOPLACE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

COME HERE, YOU.

WHAT?

WELL, I TALKED TO YOUR HISTORY TEACHER TODAY.

MS. CRANE, THE PAIN?

YOU'RE A REAL JOKESTER, ALL RIGHT.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

TURN THAT DOWN.

SHE SAID YOU'RE BARKING IN CLASS.

YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT FOR?

MOM, SHE IS SO BORING,

IF I DON'T BARK, I'LL FALL ASLEEP.

MOM!

GET MY BOOK BAG?

OVER THERE.

OK, THANKS.

I MEAN IT, DARLENE, KNOCK IT OFF.

NO MORE BARKING.

EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF MS. CRANE.

MOM, THIS IS BLUE.

I'M TALKING TO MOM!

ME, TOO.

SHUT UP.

DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP--

OK, YOU TWO, KNOCK IT OFF.

YOU'RE GOING TO USE THAT BAG UNTIL YOU'RE 30.

GREAT, I'LL LOOK LIKE A FREAK, THAT'S ALL.

WHAT'S NEW?

SHUT UP!

THIS IS WHY SOME ANIMALS EAT THEIR YOUNG.

TAKE ALL YOUR STUFF UP TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW.

HI, BABY.

HI.

DAD, I STRUCK OUT MARK WINSTEAD SIX TIMES.

SAW THAT IN THE PAPER.

DAD!

SOMETHING ABOUT HIM BEING YOUR BOYFRIEND?

HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

YOU ALWAYS STRIKE OUT THE ONE YOU LOVE, MRS. WINSTEAD.

HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

♪ FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE ♪

ANY BEER?

IT'S ON THE COUNTER.

THANKS, HONEY, YOU'RE A PEACH.

IN COMES MARKY IN A BABY CARRIAGE.

HEY, THIS IS WARM.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

DAN.

YES?

HOW COME THAT SINK AIN'T FIXED?

I'LL GET ON IT. CHECK THIS OUT!

A GENUINE HAND-CARVED FIGUREHEAD.

UH-HUH. YEAH.

WHEN I FINISH THE BOAT,

I'LL SLAP THIS ON THE FRONT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

DWIGHT WAS GOING TO THROW THIS OUT.

WHY WERE YOU AT DWIGHT'S?

WE HELPED WORK ON HIS TRUCK.

YOU HAD A JOB TODAY.

SOMEBODY PUT IN A LOWER BID.

SO YOU HAD THE DAY OFF?

NO, I DIDN'T HAVE THE DAY OFF.

I WAS BUSY...

MAKING CONTACTS.

WITH DWIGHT'S TRUCK AND A SIX-PACK?

COME ON, ROSEANNE.

COME ON, DAN.

I WAS HOPING FOR SOME WORK.

I GOT MY LAST JOBS FROM DWIGHT.

MAYBE HE CAN GET YOU ANOTHER WIFE,

BUT WHAT WOULD I EVER DO WITHOUT YOU?

JUST SIT AND DRINK YOUR BEER, HUBBY!

I'LL FIX THE SINK!

I'LL FIX THE SINK, ROSEANNE!

TALK IS CHEAP, MR. FIX-IT.

FIXING THE SINK IS THE HUSBAND'S JOB.

AND IT'S MY JOB TO DO EVERYTHING ELSE?

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

IT MUST BE TRUE.

I WORK A FULL DAY AT THE FACTORY

AND ANOTHER FULL DAY HERE.

I'M TAKING BACK SCHOOL--

MOM, WHERE'S THE TAPE?

IN THE BATHROOM. THIRD DRAWER.

BOOKBAGS, TALKING TO TEACHERS,

AND YOU DON'T DO NOTHING!

WHOA! I DO PLENTY AROUND HERE.

LIKE WHAT?

CLEAN THE GUTTERS.

AND?

WHAT'S THE POINT HERE, ROSEANNE?

THERE IS NO POINT, OK?

NO POINT!

THE POINT IS...

YOU THINK THIS IS A MAGIC KINGDOM

WHERE YOU SIT ON YOUR THRONE.

YOU THINK EVERYTHING GETS DONE

BY SOME WONDERFUL WIZARD.

POOF! THE LAUNDRY'S FOLDED.

POOF! DINNER'S ON THE TABLE.

WANT ME TO FIX DINNER?

I'M FIXING DINNER!

BUT YOU JUST FIXED DINNER

THREE YEARS AGO.

THINK I CAN'T COOK? I CAN COOK.

I'LL SPEND THE NIGHT WASHING DISHES.

I DO THE DISHES.

WHEN?

THURSDAY, 6:45 P.M.

NINETEEN SEVENTY-WHAT?

AW, WE CAN'T HAVE

A BIG CAN OF CORN FOR DINNER.

I'LL DO IT.

LET ME DO IT. IT'S EASIER.

I TRY TO HELP.

YOU BETTER TRY A LITTLE HARDER.

YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU BETTER COME DOWN OFF YOUR THRONE

AND START HELPING ME OUT.

I'M GETTING FED UP.

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU...

MOM! DAD!

DARLENE CUT HER FINGER OFF!

WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE CUT HERSELF WITH THE SCISSORS.

OK, LET'S GO.

TAKE HER TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!

SHE NEEDS A TOURNIQUET!

SHUT UP, HONEY.

WE'LL RINSE THIS OFF, FIRST.

OK?

IT'S OK. IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

KEEP YOUR FINGER ABOVE YOUR HEAD.

BUT IT HURTS.

TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT YOUR FINGER.

THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

THINK ABOUT... A FLOWER.

A FLOWER?

YEAH. CLOSE YOUR EYES.

OK. NOW, THINK ABOUT A REAL PRETTY FLOWER.

IT'S OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD.

CAN YOU SEE IT?

NO.

FORGET ABOUT THE FLOWER.

THINK ABOUT THE DEMOLITION DERBY.

WHAT ABOUT IT?

REMEMBER HOW THAT YELLOW STATION WAGON GOT CLOBBERED?

YEAH, THAT WAS NEAT.

THEN TWO GUYS SANDWICHED HIM

AND SLAMMED HIM INTO A WALL.

YEAH.

AND THEN RICKY TORNADO COME FULL SPEED,

TORE THE GUY'S REAR END OFF,

AND FLIPPED HIM OVER?

YEAH, THAT WAS A BLAST!

OKAY, BUB, YOU'RE ALL FINISHED.

I AM?

I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT.

PRETTY COOL, HUH?

YEAH, THANKS.

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

NOT REALLY.

GREAT. I'LL FIX DINNER.

GREAT.

HERE YOU GO.

OH, THANKS, BABY.

THANK YOU.

FEEL THAT BOARD.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW SMOOTH IT IS.

FEELS GOOD, HUH?

YEAH, I'M TREMBLING WITH EXCITEMENT.

WHEN YOU AND I ARE RETIRED,

WE'LL CRUISE THE CARIBBEAN ON THIS BABY.

I'M NOT GETTING ON THIS THING.

WE'LL SPEND OUR LAST YEARS TOGETHER

SAILING THROUGH PARADISE.

THIS SAILOR STUFF TURNS YOU ON.

ABSOLUTELY.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE ROMANTIC

THAN DRIFTING ON THE OPEN SEA.

YEAH?

WE'LL BE ALL ALONE TOGETHER EVERY NIGHT,

CUDDLED UP IN BED,

MOONLIGHT DANCING ON THE WATER.

EVERY NIGHT WILL BE A VOYAGE TO ECSTASY.

YOU'RE TURNING ME ON.

I AM?

YEAH, LET'S DO IT.

WHAT ABOUT THE SINK?

ANYWHERE YOU WANT.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1988 CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS