Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.

Welcome to the newest, the greatest...

the most spectacular show in entertainment history.

Put your hands together for the fabulous Feebles Variety Hour!

♪ Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles... ♪

♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪

♪ Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles. ♪

♪ Animal acts and other attractions. ♪

♪ Samantha the pussy will show you some action. ♪

♪ A contortionist. ♪

♪ And more than this. A hippopotamus!? ♪

♪ Unconditionally guaranteed to send you. ♪

♪ When you meet the Feebles. ♪

♪ Meet the Feebles. ♪

♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪

♪ Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles. ♪

And now...

here's...

Harry!

Yipeee! Ha ha! Hi, folks!

Welcome to the Feebles Variety Hour.

Oh boy, what a line-up we've got for you tonight.

But first, give a huge reception to our very own Venus...

the gorgeous hunk of hippo-hood, Heidi!

♪ I'm Heidi, hi! ♪

♪ I love that you are... ♪

♪ Not as pretty as me, but then I'm the star. ♪

♪ I put on my rouge, my talents are huge. ♪

♪ We've got a show that's just sublime... ♪

♪ ...and now it's time. Time to meet the Feebles. ♪

♪ Meet the Feebles. ♪

♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪

♪ Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles! ♪

All right you fat slag, move your ass!

How dare you speak to me like that, you horrible, spiteful little rat!

I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer.

I won't stand for this treatment any longer.

I'm an artiste. I demand respect!

Artiste, that's a good one.

That's it! I've had enough!

- I'm going straight to Bletch. - You do that darling!

What is going on over there?

Heidi, where are you going?

Trevor, you haven't upset her again have you?

You know what happens when she gets into a tizz.

Oh, the old cow's had it too good for too long.

Like it or not, Trevor, she's the star of the show.

There's no Feebles without Heidi.

Come on everybody.

We're going out live in twelve hours.

Heaven forbid injecting some urgency into this occasion...

but for God's sake get a move on!

Have a good rehearsal, Miss Heidi?

Bleeetch!

Open the door this instant!

Bletch!

Oh, shit!

I was just about to pop my cookies!

Sorry, Heidi, I was just finishing off some paperwork.

Trevor's been insulting me.

Why, that foul-mouthed little rodent.

I'll give him a good talking to.

If it happens again, I shan't perform.

There there Heidi, don't upset yourself.

Do I smell perfume?

You're imagining things, my sweet.

Now you go and rest up. Big night tonight.

Come to my room later on?

I'll try.

Oh God! Women!

When are you going to dump that huckery moll?

Huckery moll she may be, but she's also our major drawcard.

Show some guts, Bletch! Get rid of her!

- God, wouldn't I like to! - I'm not waiting round for ever.

Don't worry, honey. I'm working on it.

Excuse me, please. I wonder if you can help me.

I have a letter here that requests me to report to the stage manager.

I'm busy! Ask somebody else.

Oh, well, now... you see... oh dear.

Excuse me, sir. I wonder if you can help.

I have a letter here asking me to report to the stage manager.

Oh I don't know man.

It's been a hell of a day.

I can feel a migraine coming on.

I need a paracetamol.

Up here!

New boy are you? Looking for Arthur?

Is he the stage manager?

That's what he calls himself.

You'll never find him. I'll take you there.

Oh, thank you very much.

I had an audition six months ago and I've only just received written confirmation...

of my acceptance into the Feeble Chorus.

Oh yeah? I tell you what, kiddo.

It's not that crash hot.

They run you ragged and the pay's lousy.

Uh, I'm not worried about the pay.

It's an honour just to get a chance... to perform in the show.

I've been an admirer of the Feebles for such a long time.

Yeah?

Well, you'll find it pretty tough on the wages they dish out.

But if you ever want to earn a little extra on the side...

I'm always interested in little stories...

anything spicy or even smutty.

Hey Arthur! There's a new boy to see you.

There's more filth in this place than in the city sewers.

And I pay good money for the right info.

Here you go, kid. Don't hesitate to get in touch.

You must be Robert. I've been expecting you.

Pleased to meet you sir.

Just call me Arthur.

Here, you don't want that, son.

He's a no-good muckraker from the gutter press.

Got nothing better to do than make up lies...

and nasty stories about the cast.

Ooh!

That's Miss Heidi. You'll have heard of her.

I certainly have. She's my favourite star.

Excuse me, girls.

Can I have your attention for a minute?

I'd like to introduce you all to a new member of the chorus.

I'm sure you'll all do your best to make him feel part of the Feeble family.

Come on, say hello, Robert. Don't be bashful.

Oh, isn't he handsome?

What a lovely set of quills!

That's Lucille.

She's just joined the chorus as well.

You two should get together sometime.

Is it true that long quills are a sign of virility?

Now look what you've done!

You've gone and got him all embarrassed.

Come on, Robert old son. Uncurl, there's a good boy.

I think he fancies you, Lucy.

Yes, it's true love all right.

See the way he looked at you.

Stop it! He's just an old hedgehog!

Lift those knees! Hold your head up!

And don't forget to breathe! Keep breathing!

♪ Funny little sandhopper basking in the sun... ♪

♪ a-dancing and a-hopping having lots of fun. ♪

♪ A bit of sand landed in that hopper's eye. ♪

♪ And the little sandhopper said, "My oh my"... ♪

♪ I got one leg missing... ♪

♪ I got one leg missing... ♪

♪ I got one leg missing... ♪

♪ How do I get around? ♪

♪ The shiny shiny fishy in the ocean blue. ♪

♪ That swam into a sewage pipe, pooh, pooh, pooh. ♪

♪ Said "I'm in the shit, I better take a dive". ♪

♪ Stuck his head out of the water and began to jive. ♪

♪ I got one leg missing... ♪

♪ One leg missing... ♪

♪ I got one leg missing... ♪

♪ How do I get around? ♪

♪ Alright! ♪

What are you doing here, pincushion?

I was just watching the chorus.

- Hey, you're that new boy here, aren't you? - Yes, I am.

I just started today. I'm Robert.

You may be Robert to your friends, but you're fly shit to me.

Piss off!

Yes, sir.

♪ Little Miss Amoeba, pretty as could be ♪

Goddamn prickleback!

♪ She said 'I better split', and merge and she was two ♪

♪ They both began a chorus that went 'woo, woo, woo'. ♪

♪ I got one leg missing... ♪

♪ One leg missing... ♪

♪ I got one leg missing. ♪

♪ How do I get around? ♪

That Lucille's got a cute tushie.

I wouldn't mind giving her a poke with the old pork sword.

♪ I got one leg missing. ♪

♪ How do I get around? ♪

♪ Alright! ♪

Trevor, please, I need it, man.

I need it.

I told you before, it's coming.

Yeah, but... I got the shakes something bad.

If I don't get a fix, I won't be able to perform.

Listen, it'll be here, alright?

Stop bothering me.

I can pay for it.

Thanks froggy. This'll just about cover what you owe me.

But that's all I've got!

Well, you'd better find another fifty bucks before six.

But that's all I've got!

♪ I got one leg missing. ♪

♪ How do I get around? ♪

♪ One leg missing. ♪

♪ One leg missing. ♪

♪ I got one leg missing. ♪

♪ How do I get around? ♪

Thank you everybody.

You've all mutilated that number rather nicely.

We'll have another shot at it at two thirty...

and perhaps put it out of its misery.

Excuse me, Mr. Bletch.

Sir...

If I could have a minute of your time.

I've been waiting to see you all day.

I've got a smashing little routine I think will go down a treat.

So, you want to join the Feebles?

Oh, rather!

Ok son, I'll give you one minute. Impress me.

It's one of my own compositions.

It's called: "Glad to be a Guppy".

♪ I'm a fishy little fellow with a scaly sort of skin... ♪

♪ and I frolic in the shallows where the tide is coming in. ♪

Is something the matter, Mr. Bletch?

I think I've got a cavity in a rear molar.

Would you mind having a look for me?

Oh, certainly.

It's right at the back.

Oh, it's awful dark in here!

Went down a treat, alright. Heh, heh!

Hello, Lucille.

You may not remember me...

but my name is Robert and I would just like to say that...

I think you are the most pretty girl that I have ever met.

And I was wondering if you would like to go to the movies with me tomorrow night.

These flowers are for you!

Maybe I should give her the flowers first.

Gorblimey! The poor little blighter's smitten!

Hello, these flowers are for you. They are white roses.

I hope you like them.

You may not remember me, but my name is Robert...

and I was wondering if you would like to go to the movies.

... and then I tried on the lace camisole and it fitted perfectly.

Hello, my name is movies and...

I'd like to Robert you...

Here Rob old son. Come on in for a cup of tea.

When are we due on the course?

One o'clock sharp. It's all arranged.

How's your handicap, Barry?

She's at home baking a cake, boss.

Heavens, Heidi!

You haven't been exercising, have you?

All that excess flab must put a terrible strain on your heart.

If you're referring to my muscle tone, it's never been better.

You must have awful trouble buying clothes.

Still, at your age I suppose you might as well let your figure go.

How dare you insult me, you, you cheap pussy?

You shuddering great herbivore!

No wonder Bletch can't stand the sight of you!

You're lying! He loves me!

- He detests you! - That's not true!

You bore him to tears and you're awful in bed.

It's me he wants. He can't get enough of me.

Liar!

If you weren't so stupid...

you'd know we've been having an affair for months.

Oh, you liar! You liar! You beastly, beastly liar!

Hey, good one! You showed her!

Right, Robbie. Now you got everything what I told you.

She's in there now, so you give it your best shot.

Are you sure that this is a good idea?

She'll love it.

Go on, do your stuff.

♪ You are my amour, what I adore. Oh Lucille! ♪

♪ This, this is the way that I must say how my heart feels! ♪

♪ Oh, Lucille! Oh, Lucille! ♪

♪ Oh, Lucille! Oohh, Luc... ciii! ♪

Keep going, keep going! It's magic!

♪ Under the light of the Spanish moon... ♪

♪ it is for love that I croon this tune, Lucille... ♪

♪ Lucille... ♪

♪ Lucille!!! ♪

I'm terribly sorry.

You must think I'm an idiot.

I should never have done this.

I promise you, I shan't ever bother you again.

Robert... wait!

How did you know I love flamenco?

That were beautiful, just beautiful.

Oh, God!

How did you get in?

Oh, no! Not the cold cream!

I told you guys before, stay out of my room!

And stay out!

Wheeeee!

Flipping heck!

Oh! What am I going to do now?

It took me six months to train that lot.

Not a bad little meat pattie.

Good shot, boss!

Your shot, Cedric!

I thought I told you to wipe my clubs.

Take that you bastard!

Shit!

I'm on form today!

It's a lovely course.

I'm tempted to join the club myself.

No chance of that, I'm afraid, Cedric.

You mean they discriminate against Scots?

No, we just don't like arseholes in the clubhouse.

Gee, Sid, it's really decent of you to have me in for a lager...

...after today's little mishap.

No hard feelings Arthur.

It's just my bad luck.

This sort of thing is always happening to me.

Did I tell you Sandy's slapping a paternity suit on me?

Is that right?

Yeah, she reckons that kid she dropped is mine.

I'd like to see her prove it, though.

She's slept with half the chorus.

Has she?

She hasn't slept with me.

Oh, no. I wasn't suggesting anything.

Like you're a mate, Arthur. I know I can trust you.

Oh, Christ, here she comes now.

Sidney, the date's been set down as the 16th.

And if you don't appear in court, it'll be held over until the 21st...

at which time you'll be compelled to provide a blood sample.

Oh God Sandy, why did you bring it here? It's not mine!

You know it's not!

We'll let the court decide that, shall we?

It's got your eyes, Sid.

♪ You want a slice of the action but you're not acting very nice. ♪

♪ You want a slice of the action but you don't want to pay the price. ♪

♪ You're going to end up in traction if you don't take my advice. ♪

♪ You want a piece of the pie... ♪

♪ but you don't want to share with me. ♪

♪ You want a piece of that pie... ♪

♪ but you'll never get nothing for free. ♪

♪ You better watch what you say... ♪

♪ 'cause that ain't my recipe. ♪

♪ I'm hip to your lip... ♪

♪ you'll see... ♪

♪ You're just a low-down snake with a two-time repartee. ♪

♪ I'm hip to your jive, but it don't sound hip to me. ♪

Say, who is that dame?

That's Heidi. Ain't she something?

She's only been here a week and already she's packing the joint.

With a voice like that she's gonna go places!

♪ You want a hot potato, but baby you're just too cold. ♪

♪ You want a hot potato to go with your sausage roll. ♪

♪ Don't look at me baby, I'm much too hot to hold. ♪

♪ I'm hip to your lip... ♪

♪ you'll see! ♪

Yeah!

Thank you!

From the gentleman with the red carnation.

So, you're from the East?

I hear they got some great swamps out that way.

What's a cute young thing like you doing in the big smoke?

I'm not so young. In two years I'll be eighteen.

Really? But you're so well developed...

Vocally, I mean.

My singing teachers said I have enormous lung power.

I like your style, Heidi.

- Really? - You got a lot of class.

But that sometimes ain't enough.

I seen a lot of girls like you ruined in this town.

You need to make the right connections,

and that's where I can help.

Are you a producer?

I aim to be. I aim to be the best goddam...

...producer this town has ever seen.

I got the contacts, I got the capital...

What I need is what you got:

Talent!

Heidi, I want to manage you.

But...

I don't even know who you are!

They call me...

Bletch!

Bletch!

What a lovely name!

Tell me Heidi...

do those lips kiss as good as they sing?

Bletch!

Very nice, Mr. Bletch.

Perhaps you'd like to inspect my range of clubs.

It's good gear, I can assure you.

Of that I have no doubt.

It's good stuff boss.

When can we expect delivery?

Meet Louie in the alleyway at six.

Sorry. A touch of the ptomaine.

It must be all this fresh air. It gives me hay fever.

Bad luck old chap!

What the?

My apologies Cedric!

I had a bone stuck in my throat.

My game, I think.

Oh shit!

Did I pass the audition, Mr. Bletch?

Oh, harder Harry, oh!

Oh, yes, yes, oh!

Oh, Harry!

All those carrots, they make me good in the dark.

But it feels so good!

They don't call it "bunnylingus" for nothing, sweetheart.

What about me, Harry? You going to service me too?

Sure, climb on up, I'll give you a valve grind.

Hey! Hold on a moment!

What's going on? I can't see.

Goddamn pervert!

Who was it, Harry?

Just a little creep with a bad case of jizm pressure.

How's your jizm pressure, Harry?

I can feel it coming on.

Oh, boy, it's going to be a gusher!

Oh, no!

No, no. No, help somebody!

No, no!

Take that, you bitch!

I beg you, please no, stop it!

Call me "sir", slut!

Ow!

Leave her alone! You rotter!

Are you all right, madam?

Cut!

Jesus Christ!

You have a nasty habit of sticking your nose in where it's not wanted.

I'm sorry.

You ruined my take, kid. I never do two takes!

I didn't know it was a film.

Hurry it up, I'm freezing!

I'm sorry for interrupting. I won't disturb you any longer.

We'll skip the whipping.

Let's move on to the blowjob.

Where's the Masked Masochist?

Oh Christ that's all I need! He's carked!

Didn't you realise you were sitting on his face?

I felt a bit uncomfortable, but I thought it was my hemorrhoids.

What the hell, maybe I can sell it as a snuff movie.

Well you'll have to find a substitute.

I don't do self abuse.

No worries, Daisy. I know just the guy.

Well, what do you know! It's Dennis on a smelly minge binge.

Oh gosh! I was just looking for the soap powder.

Sure, Dennis. Have a whiff of these.

They've got a real distinctive bouquet.

Dennis, I've got a little job for you.

Noooo!

Oh my God! Next!

All right everybody, from the top!

Music, please!

Stop!!!

Oh for Christ sake! What the hell was wrong with that?

Who is holding that red pennant?

Me sir.

And what on earth do you think you're doing?

I'm patrolling the moat, sir.

Patrolling the moat? I see.

You were instructed to stay upstage left.

Italian pennant bearers of the XVII century were frequently...

known to patrol the rampart on the lookout for Turkish invaders.

How very elucidating.

I've been reading up on it, sir.

My drama teacher at school said...

I should always research a role thoroughly.

Really? Well let me tell you something.

This is a television variety show...

not a homage to Soviet Realism!

Good grief! I asked for a pennant, not a pedant!

All right, again! From the top!

Excuse me!

Stop!

Oh shit!

Oh, God!

What is it?

It's just...

Well, I'm having trouble with my motivation.

I don't understand why I would remain still...

when the scene itself suggests vigorous physical action...

...danger even.

I suppose you'd like everyone to stop singing...

while you come forward to do a little war dance center stage.

Is that it?

Well, it had crossed my mind!

Oh my God!

Sorry guv, I hate to interrupt, but it don't look like...

the knife thrower's assistant is going to pull through.

Shall I cancel Wynyard's act entirely?

I think not.

I've got just the substitute.

"Dennis Does Daisy!" Take 1.

Ok Dennis, drop your strides.

Come on, come on, the camera's rolling.

Oh for Chrissake!

Is that the best you can do?

Trevor, do something about this guy!

Come on, get aroused!

I can't.

Well, I'm not doing anything until he cracks a fat.

What's the matter? Doesn't she turn you on?

Here you go. Will these help?

Oh God, not another panty-sniffer!

He's going to want me to piss in his mouth next.

Ok kid, do your stuff.

Oh yes! Yes!

Oh, God! I feel terrible!

What's happening to me?

What's the matter, Harry? Not feeling too well?

What? Who said that?

It's all those late nights.

Maybe you're not getting enough vitamins.

Care to join me for lunch?

Hmm, carrots! It's not one of yours, is it Harry?

You are sick!

No, Harry. I think you are.

What you got? Give me the rundown on your symptoms.

I ain't got nothing, you shit-eating journo.

You can't suppress the media, Harry.

Come on, you can tell me, I'll be very discreet.

I'm as fit as a fiddle. I feel fantastic.

And I'm sick and tired of your...

Hold it right there!

"I'm tired and I'm sick", says Harry...

the Hare star of the Feebles Variety Hour.

Sounds like the germs of a good story.

Leave me alone!

You can't hide the truth, Harry.

Whatever it is you got, I'm going to find out even if I have to make it up.

This is going to be a great scoop!

Jesus Trevor, have you got the stuff?

I'm hanging out, man.

I'll get you the money tomorrow, I promise.

Hello, my name's Robert.

Are you the new supplier?

No, I've been sent by the director...

to assist you in your knife-throwing routine.

- Oh, shit! - I was wondering if you would like to practice.

No, I don't know, man, I really don't know.

It's not such a hot idea.

- Have you got any smack? - Smack?

Horse, liquid sky, skag...

snow, coke, crack, methadone...

Benzedrine, pinkies, San Ped...

Morning Glory, nutmeg, blue meanies...

aspirin, Ados, paracetamol...

Vicks VapoRub?!!

Oh, you don't happen to be an asthmatic by any chance?

Could I borrow your huffer?

I don't take drugs of any sort.

I don't believe it's right to abuse your body like that.

Oh well, that's easy for you to say.

You haven't been to hell and back.

- Eh? - Nam!

- Oh, you've been to Vietnam? - I saw the worst of it, kid.

Tet Offensive 1968.

Charlie had our backs against the wall!

There were six of us.

There were five of us.

Every gook north of Saigon was drawing a bead on us.

Take cover!

Wynyard! Cover me!

Jim! Jim!

Quickly, hurry up!

Thanks Jim, I owe you one!

I wasn't about to see my best buddy peppered with Charlie's lead.

Three weeks later...

we were on a routine patrol north of Tai Pang.

Charlie was close...

so close you could almost smell him.

Where's Eightball?

Better go back and look for him.

Eightball! Thank God!

We thought the gooks had got you, Eightball.

Drop your weapons and put your hands up revisionist running dogs.

In the days that followed I wished a thousand times...

that it was my head on that stake.

Re-education time for fascist imperialists.

You... read...

You... read.

I can't see, you bastards!

Oh God! Oh God!

We didn't see Chuck for two days.

We thought he was a goner.

But then on the third night they brought him back to us.

The bastards had taken his legs.

I still say that private enterprise...

is acceptable at a village level...

providing it is strictly controlled by the party.

We must not let petty bourgeois aspirations...

taint socialist pedagogy.

Reform is the enemy of revolution.

The Cong hadn't finished with us yet.

Their twisted communist minds had devised one last torture.

As I stared down the muzzle of that gun...

I thought of Chuck and Eightball...

and the thousands of others who had perished...

in that godforsaken wilderness.

I was not afraid to join them.

Let's get out of here!

Help me!

Come on buddy, help me up!

Wynyard! Winyard! Don't leave me!

Please! Dear God, no! Nooo!

It was six months before I got outta that Saigon hospital.

By then I was hooked on every barbiturate known to man.

Gosh! What an awful time you've had!

Ah, hey kid...

you want to express your sympathy in some kind of material way?

How can I do that?

Vietnam Vets Association.

We're badly under-funded.

Minimum donation fifty bucks.

Thanks, kid.

The Association was in bad need...

of a cash injection.

Ooh! Ooh! What an organ!

Do you really think people are interested in nasal sex?

Sure boss. It's the latest fad.

You got a title?

I thought: "Dennis Does Daisy".

Nah, that's lousy.

Well how about:

"Anal Antics"?

Anal Antics...

Not bad.

It's got a certain ring to it.

It'll appeal to the intellectuals.

Do you think it'll do as well as our last release...

and win the Hooker Prize?

You know I'm worried about Madame Bovine.

We've lost money on her last two pictures.

You want her replaced, boss?

I think the public are tired of big udders.

Find someone young and petite.

Sure thing, boss.

Bring on the next act!

It's the contortionist, Arbee Bargwan.

I told him he wasn't needed for half an hour.

He'll be meditating.

Well you'll just have to interrupt him, won't you?

Oh, never mind. I'll get him myself.

Arbee darling, I hate to intrude upon nirvana...

but you're needed on stage.

Please do not interrupt me. I am traveling on the astral plane.

Well, perhaps you could change your flight plan...

and grace us mere mortals with your presence.

I am impervious to your cynicism.

Listen to me, you double-jointed freak!

If you're not on stage in five minutes...

you can consider yourself permanently disembodied from the entire show.

Hey!

Oh good gracious, Harry!

Somebody call a doctor!

How are we feeling, Harry?

Ah, I feel real bad, Doc. What have I got?

I'll do some tests, but I don't hold out much hope.

There's only one disease that fits these symptoms.

It's the big one, Harry.

No, no! Not the big one!

I'll have to notify the health authorities.

They'll want a list of your sexual partners...

for the last twelve months.

It can't be true! It can't be!

I've taken precautions!

Tell me Doc...

...how long have I got?

It's difficult to tell...

but with a case as advanced as yours...

ten, maybe twelve...

- Months? - Hours.

I'm sorry, Harry.

Doc, can you do me one favour?

Sure Harry, shoot.

Don't tell anyone. Let me do the show tonight.

OK Harry.

I want to go out with my reputation intact.

Fat chance Harry!

All right then Arbee, thrill me!

Hippy shit!

Sorry guv. Should I start again?

Move on, move on.

Oh dear!

Are you all right up there?

I seem to have stuck my head up my rectum.

You mean it's not part of your act? Pity.

We could call it: "Passage to India."

Oh, come on, come on, uncontort!

Somebody help him!

It's no good guv, he's stuck fast.

I am in need of assistance here, please!

Oh God, this is it! This is the last straw!

Bletch!

We've got to talk!

We've got a crisis on our hands!

Wynyard's killed his assistant.

Arbee's out of action...

Sid's routine is a complete write-off!

We've got no alternative but to reinstate my song!

No!

Bletch, I'm sorry...

...but the show is in a shambles!

This is a family show, for Chrissake!

The network would never allow it.

But it's a superb piece of song and dance...

I know it'll go down fabulously with the public.

I demand it be included!

Keep your filthy paws off my furniture!

We've got a wonderful new interpretation and it's fully rehearsed.

It sort of goes like this. Watch.

The chorus comes in stage left...

and there's a lovely little bit with the piano...

and that's where I come in from upstage.

And I sort of pirouette...

and the strings are swirling around me...

and if you can imagine...

the cellos are coming in at this point...

And I leap across la la!

I say, Bletch, put me down!

I've had just about enough of your goddamn compositions.

Now get back on the stage and do your job!

It's your loss, philistine!

Faggot!

Guten Tag, Frau Heidi! What will it be today?

Just one of those tiny truffles, please.

Oh, Heidi!

Will that be all, Frau Heidi?

Something to take away, maybe?

The black forest cherry cake?

Hi Harry! Just doing a bit of undercover work.

Heh! That rash on your groin...

...looks pretty ugly...

...don't taste too good neither.

Get out of my bed, you parasite!

Hold it right there, Harry. That's great!

Me nuts!

I was sorry to hear about your fatal disease.

Do you have any comments?

It's slander, it's libel!

I have no fatal disease! I'm perfectly healthy!

Let me just see what Dr. Quack had to say.

Quote:

"There's only one disease that fits these symptoms.

It's the big one, Harry."

Unquote.

Oh, great pathos. Move your hand away.

I want some shots of real tears.

What do you want from me? Money?

I'll pay you anything.

Sorry, Harry.

You could never pay me what this story's worth.

Wait! Wait!

I'll give you my life insurance policy.

Life insurance? Now you're talking.

Come over here, I'll sign it over to you.

Great, I'll be able to cash it in this time tomorrow.

Nice try, Harry!

I've gotta go. We both have deadlines to meet.

Get it, Harry? "Deadline".

That's not a bad one. Stop press!

Hold the front page! I got an exclusive!

Here! You stuck it in the wrong way round!

I'm sorry. I didn't know worms had nerves.

Ever since the nightmare of Vietnam he's been a hopeless drug addict.

It made me realise just how lucky I am.

How lucky we both are!

I'm so glad we decided to get engaged.

Good luck for tonight, Lucy.

- Are you nervous? - Just a bit.

Me too.

Actually I'm terribly nervous.

This is my first show.

You'll be wonderful. I know you will.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

I was just dressing for the show.

So I see.

What do you want?

Oh, a moment of your time.

We've got something to celebrate.

- What's that? - Your new career.

Lucille, I'm gonna put you in the movies.

Movies!

I've been watching you for some time.

You've got that indefinable something.

Star quality!

That's my real ambition, to be in films!

I've got a meaty part for you.

Will I have to audition?

That's what I'm here for.

I feel woozy.

Here, let me loosen your clothes.

What beautiful white fur you've got, my dear.

Lucille, you left this in my room...

Take a hike! Can't you see that we're busy?

- Lucille! - Oh, Jesus!

- Robert? - You've been drinking!

It's OK. I've finished with her anyway.

Oh, go for your life, kid. She's a real good ride.

- How could you do this? - Robert!

Lucille, how could you?

No! Robert!

Wait!

Where is she for God's sake? Look at the time!

It's all right, guv. Miss Heidi's arrived on stage.

At last! From the top!

♪ On a magic night... ♪

♪ ...when the way you feel... ♪

♪ ...is a mystery... ♪

♪ ...it will be revealed. ♪

♪ Could be an angel... ♪

♪ ...from up above... ♪

♪ ...with a flower... ♪

♪ ...from the garden. The garden of... ♪

♪ Garden of Love. ♪

♪ On another day... ♪

♪ ...it may come again. ♪

♪ It's a Valentine... ♪

♪ ...from a special friend. ♪

♪ That certain someone... ♪

♪ ...you've been dreaming of... ♪

♪ ...with a flower from the garden... ♪

♪ ...the garden of love. ♪

♪ Garden of Love... ♪

♪ There are mysteries that no one knows... ♪

♪ ...someone offers you a single rose... ♪

♪ There, there's no limit to the... ♪

It wasn't my fault.

You've been over-eating again!

No I haven't.

There is black forest cherry cake in your cleavage.

Ooh! How did that get there?

You know what chocolate does to your system.

It was only a small wedge.

Your contract specifically states you are forbidden...

to eat gateaux on the day of a performance.

- I was depressed. - You're depressed?

We're going out live in three hours, for God's sake!

Don't speak to me like that! You don't understand!

None of you understand!

Bletch! Bletch!

Suddenly I feel very, very old.

Bletch! Don't you want to have me?

I must talk to you.

Say you love only me!

Don't you love me?

Don't you, Bletch?

Oh... er... Heidi...

Bletch?

Heidi! It's not what you think.

Heidi!

Miss Heidi, what on Earth's the matter?

Damn!

What took you so long?

We were starting to think you weren't gonna show.

We had some trouble with Customs snooping around.

Is it all there?

Yeah, yeah. It's all there.

- I've got to go. - Not so fast.

It's all there, I tell you.

What's the hurry, Louie?

It's one hundred per cent pure. Uncut.

I'm sure it is.

Barry, do me a line.

Some contracts for you to sign, Mr. Bletch.

Here Dennis. I've got a little treat for you.

Don't mind if I do Mr. Bletch.

Borax!

Honest to God, I didn't know.

I'm as surprised as you are.

Please Mr. Bletch, let's talk about this.

I think that's a very good idea.

Where's the merchandise?

It's... it's...

Speak up. I can't hear you.

It's down on the docks.

Mr. Big's shipping it out tonight.

Whereabouts on the docks?

Shed 11.

There, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Now, then...

What are we going to do with all this borax?

You seem a bit congested, Louie.

Maybe your passages need cleaning out.

I don't understand.

Say "ah".

No. No, no, not that!

No, Mr. Bletch, please!

You liquidated him real good, boss.

I think it's time we paid our Mr. Big a visit.

Bletch...

- I'm sorry, the show's off. - What the hell are you talking about?

Heidi's refusing to perform.

The network won't proceed without her, they've cancelled the live transmission.

What do you mean? Of course she's performing.

I'm sorry Bletch.

She's locked herself in her room and won't talk to anyone.

Give me five minutes.

It's all over. Go home everybody.

It's kaput.

Finito! Buggered!

It's all off!

Oh my goodness! Steady me, Barton.

I think I'm going to faint.

Heidi!

It's Bletch!

Heidi, I want to make love to you.

Oh, Bletch!

You drive me crazy. Quick, come over here and undo my buttons!

You mad impetuous brute!

I knew you'd come.

Somebody call the network.

The show will go on!

So I got out me razor and slit his throat.

Then I buggered the bastard.

Ah, strewth Cedric.

It's bad enough getting wasted, but...

to have your last living memory being rooted by a Scots psychopath...

it's what I call a real bummer, mate.

Ah hey, what's that?

Oh Christ! Lookout!

Bastards!

(??*) you bastard... ...that's me buggered!

Right men, let's load up.

That's the lot, boss.

Time we made ourselves scarce.

Oh no!

Move it, Trevor!

Oh Jesus!

Shit!

Come on, for Chrissake!

Plant boot!

God I hate arachnids!

Christ... it's Mr. Big!

Hello Bletch. Where are you going?

I'm taking what's mine. Don't try to stop us.

You're out of your league, little fella.

Kiss your arse goodbye!

Take him out Trevor.

Change down Trevor, the duodenum's pretty steep.

Which way, boss? Left or right?

Follow the light.

Get me back to the theater double quick!

Sure thing, boss.

I'll have to change my suit. I'm covered in ambergris.

Where's Harry? He's meant to be here!

Move the carrot to the left. Arthur, have you focused the spot?

Where's Harry for God's sake?

Don't look like Harry's going to perform.

He's had a bad turn.

No problem, no problem...

We'll bring "The Garden of Love" forward.

We're on a roll everybody.

Miss Heidi, you look radiant.

Dorothy, I feel radiant!

Tonight will be the performance of my life!

Kill me if you want to, Harry. It's too late.

It won't make any difference. The story's already gone to press.

You overgrown maggot! You're bluffing!

Am I Harry?

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Famous Feeble has death row sex disease!

Congratulations, you're front-page news.

Extra, extra! Read all about it!

Extra! Extra, extra!

Sex disease strikes Feeble fraternity.

Thank you, ma'am. Extra, extra!

Sex disease... Thank you, sir.

Jesus Christ! Do you know anything about this, Trevor?

Not a thing, boss.

Why couldn't that goddamn bed-hopping bunny keep his member to himself?

Who wrote this crap?

I got a good idea, boss.

Find him!

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.

Welcome to the newest, the greatest...

the most spectacular show...

in entertainment history.

Put your hands together...

for the fabulous Feebles Variety Hour!

♪ Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles. ♪

♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪

♪ Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles. ♪

This is a historic moment, Arthur.

Tonight we rocket into super stardom!

It's an honour to be a part of it, Mr. Bletch.

♪ ...when you Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles! ♪

Hey Trev, I've got fifty bucks, man.

I've got to have it. I'm on real soon.

This is serious, man. Look at my hands.

Come with me.

Gorblimey! Is that a real Havana, Mr. Bletch?

Would you like one, Arthur?

Would I ever!

Thanks a million, Mr. Bletch. You're a scholar and a gent.

I haven't had one of these since me twenty-first.

It's a real mans smoke, ain't it, Mr. Bletch?

♪ On another day... ♪

♪ ...it may come again... ♪

♪ It's a Valentine... ♪

♪ ...from a special friend... ♪

♪ That certain someone... ♪

Bletch, it's going fabulously!

I've just heard from the network.

They've confirmed a syndicated series!

And the critics! The critics are adoring it!

A syndicated series, eh?

Well done, Sebastian.

I can see the headlines now.

"Director's Artistic Genius...

Makes Feeble Evening...

Outstanding Success".

I gotta go on!

I gotta go on!

My public loves me.

I can't disappoint them.

Robert, we have to talk.

We have nothing to say to each other.

I want to tell you what happened.

I thought you were nice.

I am nice.

No, you're not. You're loose!

- And you drink! - No!

You're nothing but a loose lush, Lucille!

And... and I never want to see you again.

♪ The garden of love. ♪

I say everyone, who's the dirty person...

who did the great big stinky poo that's blocking up the toilet?

God Trevor, must you be so disgusting?

Oh, choice!

Hey, what'cha doing? Let me go!

You've been telling stories again, haven't you?

You got a problem with the article, write to the editor.

That won't be necessary.

Help me!

What do you know, boss, a left-wing reporter!

We can't have a biased press, can we Trevor?

No boss.

Now that's what I call an impartial journalist.

Hello Bletch!

Heidi! What the hell are you doing here?

Congratulations!

The show is a wonderful success!

What do you want?

Our encounter this afternoon was so brief!

I thought you might like a second helping.

Heidi!

For Chrissake put your dress back on!

Come and sit next to me.

If it's too hot for you, I can turn on the air conditioning.

I'm hot Bletch, but not the way you think.

You're not feeling shy, are you Bletch?

Do you remember that time in Paris?

We didn't leave the hotel for three whole days!

I remember all right.

I had to go to the hospital with severe chafing.

Kiss me, Bletch!

Get away from me! You shuddering mound of blubber!

Have you any idea how revolting you look?

Bletch... no!

You disgust me! Look at you!

You're old and you're fat... and you smell bad...

No!

I was going to wait till after the show...

but I might as well tell you now.

You're through with the Feebles! I don't need you!

I've got a syndicated series...

and I'm grooming Samantha to be the star.

No!

I hope you enjoyed tonight. That was your last performance!

Now get out of here!

And now, someone who needs no introduction.

Heeere's...

Harry!

Yipeeeee!

Oh shit!

Launch the carrot! For God's sake launch the carrot!!

What am I going to do? Oh my God!

Sidney, you're going to have to fill in for a few minutes.

But... I've got to go to the toilet.

Improvise!

Improvise!

But I've got a really weak bladder!

Say something!

Go on, say something! Anything!

The show is going really well, I think.

Goodbye, Bletch.

We'll drop the barrel balancing act and bring the knife throwing forward.

Where the hell is Wynyard? Why isn't anybody listening to me?

And so without further ado please give a big hand...

for our fabulous knife thrower.

Sidney!

Oh, no!

You philandering bastard!

Sandy, not in front of all the people!

What I have to say I want the world to know.

He may look like a lovable old pachyderm...

but he's a steaming great shit!

I don't believe it!

Goodbye life!

Hello death!

Hey Seb! Good to see you, man.

Pull yourself together! You're next up!

Have you ever noticed the beautiful lighting in this toilet?

He used me to vent his lustful passions...

but as soon as I was up the duff it was another story.

He had his pleasure and left me with this.

Dadda!

Seymour, run to Daddy.

Dadda! Dadda!

Oh, no! Look, I've got to go.

I've got an urgent call of nature.

That's right, run away!

That's what you've always done.

You guttless scum! Turd! You rapist! Creep!

I don't think I'm gonna make it!

Oh yes, a good conditioner works wonders on my coat.

Oh no. Oh Sid, no!

Sorry guys. I was bursting.

- Oh Sid! - Disgusting!

You're supposed to wait till it's all clear!

Thanks a lot, Sid! I'm on in five minutes.

Goodbye life!

Oh, there it is!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Don't let me stop you.

I think you'll find the safety catch is on.

Eat lead you man-stealing slut!

Oh yeah! Hey, wow!

Amazing!

Bastard!

Bastard!

Where'd it go?

God.

That's it! I'm left with no alternative!

I don't care what Bletch says. We're doing my song!

It's up to me to save the show, as usual.

All right, everybody! As we rehearsed!

Ah, please God!

I know I've been a bad bunny...

but if you make me well again I promise... promise...

I'll be good for the rest of my life.

- What? - Hi Harry.

I've just received your test results...

and guess what...

- I made a boo boo. - A boo boo?

Yeah Harry. You're in the clear.

You just got a bad case of bunny pox.

Take two aspirins and stay in bed for a week.

I'll send you my bill.

Yippeee!

Yippeeee!

I'm in the clear everybody!

I haven't got it! I haven't got myxomatosis!

I haven't got myx...

He wouldn't dare!

Oh Christ, he's not!

Oh yes he is, boss.

♪ Sodomy... ♪

♪ ...you must think it very odd of me... ♪

♪ ...that I enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪

♪ You might call the wrath of God on me... ♪

♪ ...but if you tried it then you might agree that you enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪

♪ Don't worry if you feel ashamed. It's been around for years. ♪

♪ Thousands more than can be named are interested in rears. ♪

♪ Don't worry about hell... ♪

♪ ...no harm will come to your soul. ♪

♪ We're not all Pentecostal, but everybody's got an arsehole. ♪

♪ Let me tell you about sodomy. ♪

♪ You must think it very odd of me... ♪

♪ ...that I enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪

♪ You might call the wrath of God on me... ♪

♪ ...but if you tried it then you might agree that you enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪

♪ It might just improve your sex, it's a hard act to follow. ♪

♪ A fact that fundamentalists find difficult to swallow. ♪

♪ So join me as I sing... ♪

♪ ...of an activity that's fun. ♪

♪ Open up your ring and try it front to bum. ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum... ♪

♪ Sodomy... ♪

♪ ...you must think it very odd of me... ♪

♪ ...that I enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪

♪ You might call the wrath of God on me... ♪

♪ but if you tried it then you might agree that you enjoy the act of sodomy. ♪

♪ Sodomy! ♪

- Trevor. - Yes boss?

I want that fudge-packer eliminated.

Now put that gun down Heidi.

You're not solving anything by massacring people.

♪ Meet the Feebles meet the Feebles... ♪

♪ We're not your average ordinary people... ♪

♪ Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles... ♪

Jesus!

My God!

Oh God no!

Seymour!

Seymour!

I'm coming! Seymour!

Daddy...

Daddy's here, Seymour!

Seymour!

- Daddy! - Seymour!

I don't care what you've done, Lucille.

I love you so very very much...

and I want you to marry me.

Oh Robert, I love you too!

I was never unfaithful, it was Trevor.

He drugged my drink and tried to ravish me.

The dirty rat!

Christ!

Heidi!

Put the gun down!

Heidi, for God's sake!

Heidi, I still love you!

Bletch...

Kill her, Trevor!

It’ll be a pleasure, boss.

You rotter!

Oh shit!

Miss Heidi, I know you're a real star and all that...

but I'm afraid I'm going to have to dob you in.

Could you do one last thing for me, Arthur?

Anything, Miss Heidi.

Play "The Garden of Love".

♪ On a magic night... ♪

♪ ...when the way you feel... ♪

♪ ...is a mystery... ♪

♪ ...it will be revealed. ♪

♪ Could be an angel... ♪

♪ ...from up above... ♪

♪ ...with a flower from a garden... ♪

♪ ...a garden of love. ♪

♪ Garden of love. ♪