Original subtitles

"In most cases, an antifungal cream will stop the athlete's foot from recurring.

Unless, of course, a secondary yeast infection develops."

- The end. - Read me another one, Uncle Steve.

Oh, I too, as a tyke, loved Dr. Fink's Guide To Fungus.

Good lad.

- Hi, guys. - Oh, howdy-doody, Judy.

- So you guys are hanging out together? - Yeah, we're best buds.

Right-a-roonie. Well, gotta dash.

I'm speaking at a protest meeting. Save The Roaches.

Ew! Why do you wanna save roaches? They're disgusting.

Judy, roaches are just misunderstood.

In fact, roaches are highly resourceful.

They can appear anywhere. Ooh.

Gotcha.

Well, my little daffodil, how do you like your gift?

Uh...

Steve.

Why did you give me this...?

This... This.

Because I love you, love you... Love you.

- Is Dad home? - No.

- Is Mom home? - Nope.

Okay, good. I have a few more hours to live.

- Well, what's wrong, Eddo? - I dented the car.

Oh, land sakes alive, man.

A few months ago you rammed the car through the living room.

And now this.

How in Sam Hill did you ever get your license?

Beats me.

Well, how much damage did you do?

I got an estimate. Eight hundred bucks.

How am I gonna get my hands on that kind of cash?

- Why don't you just fess up? - Why don't you just get real?

Fine, Eddie.

Do what you always do. Fall into a hole and dig it deeper.

But don't be surprised when it turns out to be your grave.

Here, put this on your headstone.

Steve, Steve.

By any chance would you happen to have some spare cash?

Well, gee, Eddo, if you had only screwed up yesterday.

This morning I spent all my money on a high-powered microscope.

I'm dying to see what I sneeze.

Well, can't you take it back?

Nope, once it leaves the nose, it's gone for good.

Uh. No, uh, I meant... Never mind.

Well, Eddo, if you're really desperate for cash, you could always...

Nah.

What?

Well, I do know a quick way you can make...

Nah.

What, Steve?

Well, have you ever been to Mom's Bakery?

Yeah, they've got killer cookies.

That's not all they've got.

Mom's Bakery is a front for an illegal gambling casino.

Well, how do you know all about this?

My Uncle Cecil used to play roulette there.

Used to?

Did he lose all of his money?

He won too much.

You see, whereas most people lose at gambling, we Urkels possess a sixth sense.

When it comes to games of chance, we never ever lose.

- Let's go to that casino. - Aah!

You can help me win the money I need to fix the car.

Except for one big problem. It's illegal.

Verboten, a no-no.

That's true, Steve.

But it's just that if we did this together, we'd...

Nah.

What?

Well, guys who take risks together usually end up becoming real good friends.

You know, hang out a lot.

Best buds?

Exactly.

But like you said, it's illegal.

Yes, this could be the first step on a road to the life of crime.

Ah, what the heck.

- So you'll do it, buddy? - Count me in, pal.

Ha, ha. Great, I'll pick you up at 8 tonight.

I'll be ready, Eddie.

Oh, I gotta hurry home and look at this.

How was the funeral?

Now, Rachel, calm down.

I'm sorry, Harriette.

- It's just so sad. - I know, I know.

Aunt Clotilda was family.

She was our flesh and blood.

And now she's gone.

I really wish I had met her.

Me too, me too.

But, Rachel, remember, Aunt Clotilda was 94 years old.

She lived a long, full life.

Well, how did she die?

Well, she was at the senior citizen center...

and she collapsed while she was leading a game of Simon Says.

I'm sorry.

When the paramedics got there, they thought 67 people had died.

Rachel.

Excuse me. But what's this?

That's Aunt Clotilda.

She asked to be cremated and have her ashes scattered over Lake Michigan.

So we're gonna rent a boat and do it tonight.

She doesn't have any other relatives?

Only an older sister.

But she popped a kneecap during the Simon Says fiasco.

Oh, we'd better start making the arrangements.

Mother Winslow, maybe you can help Rachel with some tea.

- Mother Winslow. - What, honey?

When you...

- When you... - Bite the big one?

Right.

Would you rather be buried or cremated?

Surprise me.

Hi, I'm home.

Oh.

Mm.

Hey, what do have we here? New candy jar?

Ooh.

- Hey, Dad. - Oh! Oh, no.

- Now, look what you made me do. - Sorry, Dad.

Oh, I got ashes all over the new candy jar.

Oh.

Oh! And inside too.

- Yeah? - Uh, we're here to gamble.

What's the password?

Oh, right.

Roses are red.

- Violets are blue. - Sugar is sweet.

- But, as, as... - Not, sweet, you.

- Thanks for the bear claw, Mom. - Any time, sweetie.

Hey, you owe me a buck.

Steve, look at this place.

We might be in a little over our heads here.

Yeah, maybe, but we're stuck.

- How come? - Well, I forgot the password to get out.

Look, just pretend like we belong here. Kind of like what I do in my house.

Do you really need a cabin cruiser for three hours?

If all you're gonna do is complain about how expensive this is, just stay home.

Oh, all right.

- You're gonna stop complaining? - No, I'm gonna stay home.

I mean, you gotta go down to the mortuary and pick up Aunt Mofloppy anyway.

I hate those places. They give me the heebie-jeebies.

We don't have to go pick up Aunt Clotilda. She's right here.

Wait a minute.

Isn't that a candy jar?

No, it's an urn.

An urn?

Yeah, Aunt Clotilda is in there.

What?

This is the urn they put her ashes in.

Oh, no. Oh, damn.

- Oh, no. - What's wrong?

It just hit me.

I suddenly realized how much Aunt Clobubba meant to me.

Clotilda.

Clotilda, Clobubba, the point is she's gone.

Really, really gone.

Uh... I've changed my mind.

I wanna go with you all.

I wanna pay my respects.

You ladies, go ahead.

I need a moment alone with, uh... With...

With this.

I'm sorry. Lord...

Lord, forgive me if I come up a foot short.

Sorry.

Steve, it's been a half an hour. We haven't played anything.

Well, actually, Eddie, I'm just not quite sure what to do.

Wait a minute.

You told me that all Urkels possess a sixth sense when it comes to gambling.

Oh, yes.

Although I never had an opportunity to test that ability out.

But I'm sure it's just a matter of time until it kicks in.

- How long? - It just kicked in.

Oh.

Focusing energy.

Nah, nothing.

Nothing.

Whoa, mama.

Eddie, I think this is the one.

Feed this baby.

Ha-ha-ha. Steve, we hit the jackpot.

Ah! A guy could get used to this.

Mama's in the parlor, Daddy's in the den

Little Baby Susan is spitting up again

The dog's at the vet The kitty's up a tree

Me and my hamster Are playing Monopoly

Grandma's in the attic

Grandma's in the den Gotta make the money

Shoot.

Shooting.

Seven! Winner!

All right, baby!

Yeah, I knew you could do it, Steve.

Uh, it's your bet, sir.

Let it ride.

Steve! Steve! Steve!

Steve! Steve! Steve!

Four! Winner! ALL: Yeah!

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Steve. Steve, relax.

Excuse me, sir. How much have we won?

Thirty-two grand.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, thirty-two grand. Ha-ha-ha.

- Now, where were we? - Uh, it's still your bet, sir.

Let her ride.

He's kidding, we're going home.

Eddie, relax.

For the last time, absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, can stop us now.

Freeze. This is a raid.

Except that.

Rachel, try to control yourself.

I will, I will.

It's over now, Rach. Aunt Clotilda's at peace.

I know, I know.

Uh, Harriette, can I speak to you for a moment? Alone.

What is it, Carl?

Well, I have a...

I got a little confession to make.

- Maybe you'd better sit down for this one. - What have you done this time?

Harriette.

Darling, sweetheart, honeybunch. Ha-ha-ha.

- Spit it out, Carl. - Okay, here goes.

Well, we didn't really spread your aunt's ashes over Lake Michigan tonight.

Carl, I was there, I saw it.

Well, I know, I know.

Uh, we spread some ashes.

Uh, but they weren't your Aunt Clotilda's, at least not all of them.

Well, then whose ashes were they?

Aunt Presto log's.

Well, we... We...

We may have floated parts of Aunt Clotilda.

But which part? Well, only the good Lord can sift that out.

Well, where's the rest of her?

Right over there in that hefty bag.

Harriette, it was all a crazy accident.

I feel terrible about it.

Uh, I wanna make it up to you.

- How? - Well...

I know, I'll pop for another hour's boat rental...

and we'll all go out and throw the bag over, huh? Sounds good?

Oh, I'll get that. You've had a rough day.

Not as rough as Aunt Clotilda.

Hello? Edward.

Sure, I got a moment. What's up?

You're where?

Carl, what's wrong?

Edward is in jail.

- What happened? - He and Steve got busted for gambling.

Now, Edward, stop looking around for Steve.

He's having the same discussion with his father.

Now, let me get this straight.

You dented the car.

Then instead of admitting it, you got yourself involved in gambling.

Does that about cover it?

Yes, sir.

Sit down, Edward.

Edward Arthur Winslow.

Son, I am ashamed of you.

Don't you know that when you make a mistake, you fess up to it?

Trying to cover it up only makes things worse.

Yes, sir.

But apparently, you seem to wanna learn these things the hard way.

Well, so be it.

You're grounded for three weeks.

And you are to stay away from my car until it learns self-defense.

Okay, hit the sack.

Well, that's taken care of.

Now, let me get this straight.

You dumped one of my relatives in a hefty bag.

Then instead of admitting it, you let us spread a log on Lake Michigan.

- Does that about cover it? - Yes, ma'am.

Sit down, Carl.

Carl.

Carl Otis Winslow, I'm ashamed of you.

When you make a mistake, fess up to it.

Trying to cover up only makes things worse.

Yes, ma'am.

But apparently, you seem to wanna learn these things the hard way.

So be it.

You're taking me to dinner to Chez Josephine's.

- Yes, ma'am. - Okay.

- Let's hit the sack. - Yes, ma'am.