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(Gentle music)

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What the hell are they wasting money on this for, eh?

Can you tell me that?

It's his pet project.

We need staff, we need beds,

and they're wasting money on this.

Errol, the minister wants this to go through.

He thinks drama is good therapy.

Yes.

Is that all? Two?

Well, all right then, let's have the first one.

(Door squeaking)

You.

Take a seat, Mr. Riley.

This is errol greer, head nurse;

Sandra Russell, head occupational therapist;

and I'm Jeff kirner, the director of this institution.

Have you ever worked

with mental patients before, Mr. Riley?

[Lewis] Uh, no.

You didn't finish at university?

No, well, I, uh, wanted to experience

a little bit of the world first.

Marvellous, marvellous.

What this project is about, Lewis, is people,

getting them to gain confidence through theatre.

You ever directed anything?

Oh, various things.

We need something within their reach,

a pantomime.

Pantomime, I've done a pantomime.

Variety show?

Now, that's exactly the sort of thing that I had in mind.

All right.

Heads, the dyke.

Tails, Orson welles.

(Door opens)

(Clears throat) It was a unanimous decision.

This is the closed ward.

Our hardened clients are sent there.

You won't be working with any of those,

which is just as well.

Don't worry about what you see around the place.

Things are pretty well under control.

Well, have been.

You have to keep an attendance folder.

They have to be back in the ward at four o'clock sharp,

no ifs or buts.

No smoking in the hall

because we don't have enough fire extinguishers

to go around.

Stay calm.

Don't upset the patients.

They're on varying degrees of medication,

but don't let that worry you.

Just worry about the ones who aren't.

Here it is.

It's not exactly the palladium but I'd say,

with a bit of elbow grease, it should scrub up fine.

What are you doing here, Roy?

[Roy] I've been waiting a long time.

Where are they?

[Errol] Who?

The others.

I heard we were doing a show.

What ward are you from?

He's not from a ward, Roy.

He's the director.

Marvellous, marvellous.

My name's Roy, what's yours?

Uh, Lewis.

Marvellous!

We'll be a team like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin.

So, when are the auditions?

What are you talking about?

Jerry, he's gonna direct my favourite opera,

cosi fan tutte.

[Errol] Don't be stupid, Roy.

No one's doing an opera.

I'll go and organise your auditions immediately.

See you tomorrow then (door slams)?

Jerry.

(Gentle music)

(Truck horn honking)

(Gentle music)

(Grunting)

[Lucy] 80, you got the job?

Yes, I got the job.

So, you don't seem very enthusiastic.

Well, it'll do until I get a real job.

That's what you said about the last one.

Well, Nick said that this one'd be a bit of a lark.

I think it's a great thing to do.

Yeah, oh, it's great.

I've already met a 50—year—old psychotic

who wants me to direct an opera

and thinks I'm Jerry Lewis.

Is he handsome?

(Water splashing)

Incredibly.

As a matter of fact, I think you two

would make a very good couple.

I think I might've found my true vocation

in life: Matchmaking.

[Lucy] You'd even follow it through to the wedding.

Hey, come in.

Lewis, Lucy.

I've come to ask favour.

Can I move in?

It's just for a short while.

Sure, of course, you can.

I had a bit of trouble on the home front.

Emma kick you out?

You know me, Lucy.

I'm at a bit of a loss with women.

Try men then, Nick.

(Grunts)

She's gonna make a great lawyer.

Quick, heartless.

I'm god's lonely man on the streets of Moscow.

The question of my parentage is driving me insane!

[Lewis] Hey!

(Laughing)

It's driving me to drink.

You know, if I didn't have to do my production

of diary of a madman so soon,

I'd love to do that asylum job.

Think of the experience.

Would you be able to come in and help me occasionally?

Synchronicity.

You're directing a show with madmen.

I'm directing and starring in a show about a madman.

(Pig squealing)

God, you really are close to the piggeries.

So, will you be able to come and help me?

Lewis, there's only one thing to remember:

Madmen are normal people.

It's just they've ended up in an asylum.

(Guitar strumming)

J“ get me out of here j“

j“ get me out of here j“

(sighs)

J'getmej'

oh, sh...

Oh!

J“ get me out of j“

you go to bed.

You come to bed.

(Guitar strumming)

(Grunts)

Sorry about the noise.

You know Nick, he gets a bit excited.

Lewis, normal people don't prepare

for their first day at work by getting smashed.

It's your first job in ages.

Yeah, exactly, which is why I've chosen

to take this unique approach.

(Laughing)

Are you gonna take this seriously?

You can't keep drifting along.

One day you're gonna have to finish something.

Don't worry about it, it's gonna be a breeze.

I can handle these people.

Pay attention!

We're here!

I've scoured the wards, Jerry,

and believe me, there's a lot of talent on this list.

There should be plenty to choose from for the opera.

Roy, we're doing a variety show.

Oh, of course, of course.

All right, who's on first?

(Patients yelling)

(Knocking)

(Stomping feet)

Hopeless.

Get off!

(Crashing)

I thought you were in a closed ward.

I tunnelled my way out.

Who's the poofter?

Jerry, our director.

Oh, yeah?

You get to fuck the actresses?

I heard that's why people wanna direct.

Okay, I'm gonna do me piece now.

It's called shang a do Dee.

Okay, okay, okay.

Too long have white motherfuckers ruled this country.

Now it's time for our people to take control.

Check this out.

(Rapping)

J“ yo, my mama, yo mama talkin' like shit j“

j“ my mama called your mama a bull—dyked assed bitch j“

j“ I know your sister and the bitch ain't shit j“

j“ she slagged me and all the boys j“

j“ and sucked my dick j“

j“ yo, sh sh sh sh sh sh shag a do Dee j“

j“ let's do it doggie style (barking) J“

j“ yo, shang a do Dee my mate's a paedophile j“

j“ shang a do Dee j“

j“ hey, let's screw the rich j“

j“ shang a do Dee I'm gonna hump my bitch j“

(shoes squeaking)

I could never understand the words of rock and roll,

but he's got good rhythm.

J“ I'm so excited j“

j“ I just can't hide it j“

I'd like you to meet Mr. Sock.

J“ I'm about to lose control j“

j“ and I think I like it j“

we're going to do a poem for you.

J“ and if you move real slow j“

j“ I'll let it go j“

(whistling)

Lovely, Ruth.

(Hacking)

(Yelling)

(Laughing)

The last word of a little child.

Silence, the young girl said.

Why, oh, why must you weary me?

Plague me no longer now.

[Woman] For I am listening like the orange tree.

The klingons are gaining on us, Mr. Spock.

Go to warp factor five, Scotty.

The engines can't take it, Mr. Spock.

Beam her up.

Somebody fucking beam her up.

J“ tell all the gang j“

j“ at 42nd street j“

j“ that I will still be there j“

faster, you creep!

J“ tell them j“

c—can't s—sing.

J“ of how I'm yearning j“

(yelling)

Get off of me, you mad banshee.

- Right.

[Roy] We've got our six.

[Nurse] That's enough.

J“ call me there j“

(soft music)

Well this is a very unusual position for me.

Oh, come on, Jerry.

Let's get this show on the road.

Stay, Henry, stay.

So, shall we start now?

Yes, I guess it's really down to what we wanna do.

It looks like a small group of six.

Six, yes, that's what I wanted, six.

We've been thinking about doing a variety show.

We haven't been thinking any such thing, Jerry.

Don't be patronising to us.

We're gonna do cosi fan tutte, the opera.

Little Richard wrote an opera?

Tutti frutti the opera?

It's an opera by Mozart, you lowlife.

It's the greatest opera in the whole world.

You're university—educated, Jerry.

You must know it off by heart.

What's it about?

It's about testing how true your lover is.

Ah, well, I'm shattered and wrung out already.

Shut up or I'll knock your block off!

Come on!

(Both yelling)

Hey!

[Roy] Get him off.

Cut it out!

Sit down!

Go burn a cat.

[Doug] Ah, vicious.

You gotta be tough with 'em, Lewis.

[Lewis] Okay, okay.

Well, why don't we...

Why don't you give us an outline of the story then, Roy?

It starts off in a coffee shop in Naples, Italy.

These two young fellas are boasting how faithful

their girlfriends are.

So, this old fellow, Don Alfonso,

he says to guglielmo and ferrando,

"okay, let's make a wager

"and test the girls' fidelity."

So, the young men, they pretend to go overseas and fight,

but they come back disguised as Albanians.

(Laughing)

This cracks me up every time.

Right, of course, the girls fall for the albinos.

Albanians.

Yes, but there's a twist.

Guglielmo's girlfriend falls for ferrando and vice versa.

Anyway, the boys reveal their disguises,

and things right themselves in the end,

and Don Alfonso is proved right: Women are never true.

We'll have to have a real cappuccino machine.

In the opening scene, in the coffee shop.

This is just another battle of the sexes.

Oh, I suppose so,

if you could describe the crusades

as a sightseeing lark on the way to Jerusalem.

Oh, please, someone give him some lithium.

Come on, everyone.

Show some enthusiasm.

This is a masterpiece.

There's music.

Of course, there's great music.

Let me get this straight, there's some singing.

It's all singing.

But I'm the only one that can sing.

[Roy] Oh, yes, but Jerry can train the others.

Chin up, Jerry.

I believe in you.

Now, now, there's just one more thing.

Who speaks Italian?

(Opera music)

Hey, it's an easy language!

Ask any Italian!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Get off me.

(Opera music)

Aren't you two rats gonna desert the Titanic?

I prefer this to the ward.

Is this the music to it?

I don't need the score anyway.

It's all in my head.

It is the Harmony of the spheres,

and that Harmony is Mozart's music.

Without that, there would just be

a clanging, banging bedlam all around us.

I'll win 'em over, Jerry.

Tomorrow, come back, and you'll find

we've missed the iceberg and we're sailing

into calm waters.

Trust me, Jerry.

(Pigs squealing)

_ pigs don't die with any sort of grace, do they?

(Woman singing)

You know what the title means?

Women are like that.

No, no, actually, it's like that,

but the implication is

that women are like that.

Women are foolish.

We are just falling in love with men

at the drop of a hat and betraying them.

Lucy, why are you taking this so seriously?

Nothing is decided yet.

And it's only a piece of therapy for them.

A woman's constancy is like the arabian Phoenix.

People have heard of it, but no one has seen it.

You know something?

Lucy's right, Lewis.

Well, it is serious, this thing about women.

They are like that.

You're joking?

No, they are.

Emma was screwing somebody behind my back.

Cosi fan tutte is a valid interpretation of women.

Well, that is a very interesting point, Nick,

but in my experience, it's usually the men

that have the difficulty maintaining...

[Nick] Maybe you've led a sheltered life.

This is a difficult project.

I'm trying to act as though I

t's not my first time directing.

[Nick] Oh, look, directing's simple.

Well, you'd know, Nick.

Look, the rule is this, all actors are mad,

even the mad ones.

The crucial key is to find out what sort of animal

the actor is.

Are they a bird? A dog? A tiger?

Because people are...

Settle down, everyone.

I'll play the main part, guglielmo.

Typecasting, really.

The definite, if not definitive, dorabella.

Don't you think, Jerry?

And Henry, well, Don Alfonso, obviously.

Sounds great, Roy.

Of course, it's great.

Don't you worry about Henry.

He's the perfect Don Alfonso.

Henry used to be a lawyer.

They're all cynical like Don Alfonso.

Roy.

Oh, my god, who's gonna paint the backdrops?

Roy!

We gotta get occupational therapy

to stop making those baskets

and get working right away.

Roy.

Oh, and the posters.

Roy!

That's the name, Jerry.

Roy, no one can sing.

Ruth can hold a tune.

What I mean, Roy, is that no one can sing opera.

We certainly did get out on the wrong side

of the bed this morning, didn't we, Jerry?

Plus, the opera is in Italian.

That is an incredible burden (groans)

Even for the most brilliant talent.

I aim for the stars, Jerry.

Is that such a bad thing?

No, I like your enthusiasm.

Then let's aim for the stars!

Be inspired.

(Opera music)

I want what Roy's on.

(Opera music)

Maybe we should do another play?

Yeah let's do cats in the nude!

Take your clothes off!

I've got it, sing it in English.

Jerry can translate the Italian.

We'll start rehearsals immediately.

Roy, I don't think you see my point.

It would be very difficult

to start rehearsals immediately because

no one here can sing this music!

(Needle scratches)

Look, it's simple.

You rehearse it like a proper play, you know?

A stage play?

Then as you know the songs better,

you incorporate them into the stage business

you've already learned.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

[Woman] I'm hungry.

[Doug] That'd be right, blubber—face.

[Woman] Go burn a cat!

[Lewis] Lunch!

Whoo! Coming to eat with us, Lewis?

In a moment.

I might just have a look

at the translation of the libretto.

[Roy] Like all the best directors,

a glutton for punishment.

Couldn't direct a nymphomaniac to a stag night.

(Gentle music)

So, you obviously think they're quite capable

of doing this?

Of course, I do, son.

None of them can sing and the orchestra is comatose.

I'm looking fonnard to it.

(Gentle music)

[Ruth] Julie, you're late.

[Julie] I've got to see my shrink, can you tell Lewis?

(Gentle music)

You're as skinny as a rake.

Here.

(Gagging)

Oh, you're choking.

Here, here, heimlich manoeuvre.

(Grunting) Oof! Oof!

Get it out!

You all right?

You all right? You all right?

(Coughing)

Sit down, sit down.

You know about Julie (coughing)?

She's not coming back.

Junkies, totally unreliable.

So, the maid's a pretty big part, is it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She gets to pretend to be a doctor, a priest.

Something to extend my acting, right?

(Chuckles)

Will outsiders see the show?

I don't know.

If it's a real large role, I'll invite my dad.

Mmhmm.

He'll be surprised to see me out of water.

My dad was a great duck hunter.

We were very poor, couldn't afford a dog,

so he had to use me to point and fetch the ducks.

Those lakes can get pretty cold when you're

swimming in 'em with a dead duck in your mouth.

Hah! Just pulling your leg!

I sucked you right in, didn't I?

You know, I really like you.

Well, I better get back to the libretto.

(Piano music)

(Groaning) (Piano keys clanking)

(Soft music)

[Doug] Got a girlfriend?

Hey, I believe in free love,

but it's a bit hard to practise it in here.

Is she pretty, your girlfriend?

Some people think so.

You gonna marry her?

Don't know.

Don't.

Dad said to me, you can always find loneliness

in a marriage, but never solitude.

I like my solitude.

Was she a virgin when you first had her?

[Cherry] Where's the dunnies?

At the back.

I hope you fall in, but you're too fat.

Go burn a cat.

Why are they always saying that?

That's what I did.

Burned a cat?

Nah, cats.

Me mum had five cats.

And me and mum, we'd been having a few differences.

So one night I rounded 'em up,

put 'em in a cage, doused 'em with petrol,

then I put a match to 'em.

(Chuckling) Funny, eh?

Then I let 'em out the cage door,

and I let 'em run loose.

Well, boy, oh, boy, what a racket.

They were running around the backyard,

burning and howling.

No such thing as grace under pressure

for a burning cat, let me tell ya.

Then me mum came outside to see what was happening.

Totally freaked out, she did.

See, ifigured I'd wait a couple of hours

'til the cats were dead

and mum was feeling a bit sorry for herself.

I'd go up to the front door and I'd knock on it,

and I'd say, "hi, mum.

"I've come to talk about our unresolved conflicts."

Before I know, one of those fuckin' cats

ran into the house.

In a couple of minutes, the whole bloody house was on fire.

Within half an hour, there was no front door to knock on.

If it wasn't for that damn cat, I wouldn't be in here.

What's your girlfriend's name again?

Lucy.

Lucy.

That's a nice name.

Bet she fucked plenty of guys before you.

I looked in the mirror this morning

and realised who I am.

I mean, how could I think for one moment

that I am a civil servant?

I am the king of england.

(Laughing)

I talk to plants,

I think modern architecture is driving us insane.

What did you think? —it's good.

Still in its early days?

Oh yeah.

We're still sort of journeying through it, discovering it.

I just wondered if the madman was a little over the top?

(Laughing)

Well, everyone's a critic.

Absolutely, Nick.

I gotta make a phone call.

So, how is it with the, uh, loonies?

Yeah, it's going quite well.

Though I might still want you to come

and give me a hand.

It's a good opera to be doing, infidelity.

Women like to pretend they don't fool around, but they do.

They're just more secretive about it.

They don't brag like men do.

I mean, Emma.

Emma was doing it every day.

Well, so were you.

Only after I knew.

I mean, I saw the signs: New dress.

I have to stay behind and work.

I bet you Lucy's doing it.

Come off it, Nick.

I'm not being personal here.

It's just an anthropological observation.

Sorry.

The guy at legal aid wants me to help him out tonight.

I better go.

Loan me a 10, Lewis?

See ya.

How late will you be?

I don't know, when we finish.

Don't worry, you are going to be

a much better director than Nick.

Don't wait up.

$10 dollars she's playing around.

$10 dollars.

That's my $10 dollars.

Not after I've won the bet.

All right, make it $50 dollars.

All right, 50.

Lewis.

She wants me to take her out.

J“ and I will raise you from your sleep j“

j“ I will kiss you in four places j“

j“ as I go running along your street j“

j“ I will squeeze the life right outta you j“

j“ you will make me laugh and make me cry j“

j“ and we will never forget it j“

j“ you'll make me call your name j“

j“ and I'll shout it to the blue summer sky j“

j“ and we may never meet again j“

j“ so shed your skin and let's get started j“

j“ and you will throw j“

j“ your arms around me j“

j“ yeah, you will throw j“

oh (chuckling).

I'm early.

I was told that you weren't coming back.

Yeah, I was gonna come back yesterday

after I saw my shrink, but he was late.

They're always late.

You have a good voice.

Christ, it's hard to get out of this place.

You been here long?

Five months.

Mm, too long.

My parents had me committed.

I should be in drug rehab,

but, you know, the shrink said drugs were the symptom,

not the cause, so...

But cosi's great.

Yeah, I like things about love.

What does your girlfriend do?

She's a last year law student.

She also helps out at legal aid.

Yeah, my father's a retired lawyer.

Boy, they can find all sorts of loopholes.

I mean, I'm a loophole.

That's why I'm in here.

You have a nice smile.

[Lewis] All right, everybody and action.

I know dorabella is faithful and true.

There's nothing unvirtuous you'd get her to do.

Ah.

You think fiordiligia traitor to me?

I know I am right and she would constant be.

Henry?

Henry, that's your cue.

Mm mm.

A brilliant piece of casting.

Henry, don't you want to do this?

He m—made me d—d—do this.

Why do people always let me down (banging)?

[Doug] Hey, yo, it's a do—it—yourself lobotomy.

God knows how you can live with yourself.

You're a failure as a lawyer.

I give you a chance at success,

but, oh, no, you choose failure.

Roy, no one is a success or failure in life.

Tell that to the failures of this world.

I don't think that approach is gonna help, Roy.

Oh, look, I've known him for six years,

but you're the director, Jerry.

Henry, Henry, I'd like you to stay.

Why don't you just sit down,

watch what the others are doing for a while,

and then you can join in when you want to?

Okay, we'll go on to scene two with the girls

so that Henry can watch how the others do it.

Bravo!

Masterstroke.

[Lewis] Roy!

Couldn't direct a rat up a drainpipe.

[Julie] To reveals an Adonis,

but not to the image enshrined on my heart.

[Ruth] Then love, it must follow that...

(Clears throat) Ruth, it might be good

if you walked over there.

Well, you're thinking about your lover.

[Doug] Just move your fat ass to the other side.

But I don't have a lover.

I'll be your lover.

Ruth, you're going over there

to think about your lover.

That's your motivation.

I have no lover.

I don't think you heard me.

[Ruth] What's over here?

Ah, well, there's a garden,

some rocks, a cliff overlooking the sea.

There's nothing here.

Well, they're an illusion.

Patently.

Am I near the illusion of the cliffs?

Do us all a favour, jump.

[Lewis] Doug!

[Doug] What?

How do you want me to show

that I'm thinking about my illusionary lover?

Ruth. —yes?

What sort of animal are you?

For pity's sake, Jerry!

Ruth isn't an animal.

She's a human being.

Roy's right, you know.

Look, the way I see it,

a director's like a traffic cop.

You have to direct traffic.

Ruth, now what you want to know

is how many steps you have to take, right?

Yes, that's it, that's it exactly.

Now that's a perfectly legitimate question.

Now I don't wanna teach you to suck eggs, Jerry,

but, well, Ruth, she's obviously crying out for direction.

When do I get to play the piano?

[Lewis] All right, Ruth, if you take four steps

from there to there, you will avoid any illusions!

[Errol] You're learning, son.

[Lewis] Oh, thank you very much, errol!

[Errol] You're welcome.

And Zac, do you remember that we decided

to rehearse cosi as a play before we introduced the music?

These four steps, if I took very small steps,

I could do that in eight.

Or I could do it in two.

So, which do you want?

Four, eight or two?

Someone strangle her!

Can I go to the toilet?

[Doug] Go get a bedpan.

[Cherry] You, shut up.

I'm not fuckin' stupid, you know.

He can't move.

Ruth, let's make pussy not war.

You are an animal.

Don't you talk to her like that.

What are you gonna do?

Spit on me and give me the plague?

Quiet!

Without me, you are nothing.

[Lewis] Quiet!

Seig heil!

Roy, don't worry about me.

You have your hands full

just concentrating on your acting.

You, if you're a director,

Doug's Mel Gibson.

Roy, one more word outta you and I quit.

You're incompetent.

That's it, I quit.

That was two words.

(Gentle music)

All right, everyone, I'm your new director.

(Gentle music)

[Cherry] Lewis!

Come back!

- [Julie] Lewis!

Mate! —lewis, stay!

Don't go! —don't leave us with Roy!

Don't go! Lewis! —please!

I'll help you direct!

Come on!

Their routine's already been disrupted enough.

It's not gonna hurt.

They need to see how others do it.

[Errol] It's a bad idea.

I think it's a good idea.

It's all yours, errol.

(Gentle music)

All right, everyone, out.

Come on, follow me.

[Roy] There's a lot of water out there.

[Doug] Excuse me mate, could I borrow some matches?

Here you go.

Hey, thanks.

[Woman] Wait, you got my matches.

Who is this director friend of yours?

And he's also acting in it?

So, he's an auteur.

[Man] Hey, hey, what are you doing, you idiot!

[Doug] Hey, up yours.

(Chattering)

[Errol] All right, come on, stay together.

Keep up, Henry.

This row.

In you go.

Come on, Roy.

[Roy] Piss off, mate.

You don't want to be here, all right?

Come on, in, everybody.

Henry, come on.

[Doug] Hey, love, how's it going?

Doug, you out of the crack, come on.

Sorry dad.

[Errol] Beside me.

Right, anyone out of line, it's back to the bus.

Hey you need a light, love?

One more word outta you, I'll rip

your fuckin' tongue out through your ass.

Sophie?

Must not have heard me.

Why do women go out in the rain?

God in heaven, she did not notice me.

I am lost.

Lost forever.

A dog was talking to me.

Am I going mad?

A dog was talking to me.

It was saying...

(Barks)

I've been (barks) Very ill.

I think I'm going mad.

Dogs are talking to me.

This doesn't look like a house.

This is not the palace.

Call Princess Diana and tell her

they've taken me to the wrong place.

Please. —please.

I've gone mad, get away from me.

Ah!

You can't do that to the king of england.

Save your sad son!

They are ripping my mind apart (sobbing).

Save me as you would a Romanian orphan.

Oh, I feel like a motherless child.

(Crying)

(Hammer clicks)

(Grunts)

(Gasps)

(Audience applauding)

Oh, that's how a real director works his magic.

[Nick] Thank you.

(Audience applauding)

[Roy] Bravo, bravo!

[Lewis] What's all this stuff used for?

[Sandra] It's useless.

The cigarette company gave it to us.

Lewis, come and look at all these plans and designs

that all these mad bastards want to...

What's that?

These ought to be cut up.

What would you know, you spastic?

It looks very busy.

Don't cut that.

Oh, shit!

I'll get a tissue.

Oh, this is hopeless.

Pay attention, everyone.

We're going to be in show business.

Now stop making those things and start making our set.

Or else it's back to shock treatment.

[Errol] You've got to have the discipline, Julie,

and the treatment will work.

[Man] Sure.

[Lewis] Hello, Ruth.

Doug's already up at the hall,

and cherry's on her way up there.

I just thought I'd give it a bit of a sweep

because it is so filthy.

You all right?

My husband just didn't come and visit me today.

He's a very busy man.

You know, if you want to cut your wrists,

you should cut up the veins, not across.

(Gentle music)

Hello, Julie. —hey.

[Man] Lucy!

They were my parents.

(Clears throat)

Why weren't you at the play yesterday?

Ah, yeah, um, I had to see my shrink,

talk about my future.

Hm, some future.

You know, my grandmother ended up like that,

in a place like this.

What, did she go mad?

She went a little mad.

In her mind, she was living in the year before I was born.

So she thought that I was my father,

who had married my mother,

who was pregnant with me.

So you pretended to be your father

about to father yourself.

Oh, god, don't ever tell a psychiatrist that one.

They'd have a heart attack.

So, in a way, you're sort of, um,

testing yourself in coming here.

I guess I am.

Casting couch.

You'll see he'll cut our parts and build up hers.

Oh, what's cosi now, a one—woman monologue?

(Julie laughing)

Does your girlfriend play around?

No, no.

The opera's sort of saying

that women can't be trusted, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I mean, in a frivolous way.

It's not frivolous.

I don't like men's double standards.

Men want women to deceive them

because it'll prove their worst thoughts about women,

and they have a lot of bad thoughts about women.

And they become so righteous, you know,

like guglielmo and ferrando.

Everyone out there is so righteous.

I just wish he'd give her a good poke!

(Laughing)

[Patients] Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

(Screaming)

(Windows breaking)

[Lewis] Stay back, stay back, stay back!

(Fire crackling) (Solemn music)

(Steeple crashing)

(Sirens wailing)

(Firefighters shouting)

[Kirner] It's a disaster, a complete disaster.

[Doug] Hey, fireman, I knew that wood

would burn real quick.

[Kirner] You're finished, Mr. Riley.

Doug? He didn't burn it down.

It was Jerry. —it was me!

Can we please,

please, can we rethink this?

I mean, it's very important to them.

They want to do this.

That's not exactly true, Mr. Riley.

Roy comes to my office every afternoon complaining

about your direction and your obsession with this opera.

And then there's the matter

of your marriage proposal to cherry.

I can do it without Doug.

You may be able to.

These people cannot.

These people are damaged, Mr. Riley.

They are not capable of doing an opera.

They are capable.

The minister for health does not want them

to be made a laughingstock.

They are going to do something within their range.

Mr. Kirner, give him a break.

Errol, I am in charge here.

I am the one who has to report

to the minister for health, not you.

He cannot control them, Sandra can.

Sandra's gonna do something within their reach,

a variety show or whatever.

Your services are no longer required.

[Sandra] I told you so.

I didn't like the look of him in the first place.

Rather feminine, don't you think.

Y—y—you mean, w—w—we won't be doing c—cosi?

I've just been sacked.

I've learned all my lines.

I've learned everyone's.

But I I—like theatre.

See, even if we could do it, we don't have the space.

I know what we could use.

(Creaking)

They're gonna tear it down.

No one uses it.

[Ruth] It's such a mess.

I'm not cleaning this.

[Cherry] We'll all help, Ruth.

We'd have to do it in secret.

[Julie] We can do that.

[Lewis] I could sneak in.

[Henry] It would be illegal.

It'll be like war, Henry.

We're the goodies.

And kirner and Sandra are the baddies.

(Chuckling)

With p—p—passwords and everything?

This is perfect.

I would have preferred something bigger though.

Oh, what about ferrando?

Seeing as you put our ferrando in a closed ward.

Roy, he burned down the hall.

I know Doug.

He'll kill you once he gets out of there.

Ah look on the bright side, cherry.

For killing an actor, he'd get life.

For killing a director, he'll get eternal gratitude.

All right, now, just listen, everybody.

Now, everybody understands, don't they?

That you'll be doing two shows?

You'll be rehearsing Sandra's variety show during the day,

and then at night, cosi fan tutte secretly.

Oh, my god, I've got it.

Oh, sometimes I'm so...

What's the word?

Mentally ill.

Perspicacious.

It was there right before my eyes.

You'll play ferrando!

The show lives, cosi lives.

(Upbeat piano music)

That's really good, Lewis.

So now you're acting in it,

you're directing it, and you're not being paid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, you just had to be there, Lucy.

(Laughing)

(Gentle music)

(Coughing)

[Cherry] Get up.

(Slapping)

(Gentle music)

(Knocking)

P—password?

Lobotomy.

Well it's very complicated.

[Zac] You have to have some faith, Lewis,

faith in your fellow man.

[Lewis] Yes, but can you do it?

Of course.

There's a lot of expertise in this madhouse, you know.

(Opera music)

See, that's where it needs to be really...

What are you doing?

What's that on your head?

My hair.

Not you, you.

This is our tribute.

Our south American dance tribute.

To whom?

Carmen Miranda.

Oh.

And when despina comes to cure the boys,

this is how she does it.

Shock treatment.

Bang!

On goes the machine.

On goes the headset (screaming).

Headset goes on first.

Chicakboom!

Chickaboom!

Woo hoo!

Chickaboom!

(Yelling)

(Upbeat music)

(Ripping)

[Sandra] One, two, three, four.

J“ Monday Monday j“

j“ so good to me j“

[all] Na—na, na—na—na.

J“ Monday, Monday j“

j“ it was all j“

now, cruel woman, I understand you.

That snake, that monster and all that's based

in the living desert,

you think I am all of those?

You robbed me of my peace.

(Electrical zapping)

(Gasping)

Oh oh, Doug's back.

Don't be stupid, woman.

They deserved it, didn't they, Lewis?

The men in cosi.

They test their girlfriends' fidelity

and look what happens.

Their girls fall for other men.

Lewis!

Where are you?

I've got a cake for you.

[Zac] I like the dark.

[Ruth] Me too.

I once had a man friend who would put me in a wardrobe

and tie me up so I wouldn't run away.

Four knots.

Maybe it was three.

[Cherry] Lewis?

[Ruth] He stopped doing it

because he said he got tired of me.

[Cherry] Nah.

[Ruth] So I cut the legs off all his trousers

Lewis?

[Zac] Bastard.

He only wanted me for sex.

Men like sex more than women

because they don't have to clean up the mess.

[Zac] Yeah, but women are god's punishment

for men playin' with themselves.

I love you, Ruth.

Creep (slapping)!

Come down here. —where are you, Lewis?

You're too skinny (gasps).

- [Roy] I did it! I fixed it!

[Ruth] Leave me alone!

[Zac] Go ahead, slap me.

(Mysterious music)

Kiss him again and I'll break your fucking arm.

[Ruth] What are you saying?

Stop it.

[Zac] Stay with me, Ruth.

[Roy] Unbelievable, disaster, disaster.

I just wish you had've told me.

They were really keen to meet you.

They wanted to hear about your work with the patients.

Well, look, I'm sorry.

I told you, we are so far behind schedule.

Look, I just never see you.

Okay, Nick, come on, let's go.

I thought I'd stay and give Lucy a hand.

Oh, yeah?

I've been thinking, Lucy's right about cosi.

I was blaming Emma for too much.

What's this got to do with anything?

The opera's out of date.

That's very modern of you, Nick.

My point is not about it being out of date.

No, both of you go!

[Nick] Maybe I can put a different slant on it, you know?

Make it more now.

I'm really sorry. —go.

Peter Brooks did something a while back

with the empty space.

You've gotta look at things in a new light.

(Dog barking)

[Assistant] I hear you enjoyed your first time.

(Suspenseful music)

Come on, come here.

(Suspenseful music)

I know why you're here, Lewis.

I hope you made out your will.

Your boyfriend won't be able to help you, Lewis.

You're mine.

(Jovial music)

(Knocking)

Henry.

- T—t—today's p—password?

P—password?

I don't know the password.

(Door creaking)

[Roy] You always tell the director

the password, you drongo.

[Lewis] All right, everybody, this is Nick ward.

Now he directed and he starred in diary of a madman

and he's come here today

to have a look at what we've been doing

and just give us some of his opinions.

Maestro.

I'll get you a chair.

Thank you.

[Lewis] All right.

Let's take it from scene two,

which is the scene where the men have left

pretending to go to war,

and fiordiligi, dorabella are talking to despina

about how much they'll miss their lovers.

Let's, Julie?

Without my guglielmo, I think I'd die.

Without my ferrando, I think I'll Bury myself.

You might think that no woman ever died for love.

Die for a man?

Why?

There's a lot more where they came from.

Let's, let's stop there.

You've gotta move.

You're standing there like statues.

Here's this woman telling you

to go out and fuck any men you can.

(Laughs)

And you want to remain true to your lovers.

Now, an old—fashioned concept, Grant you,

but you have to be really pissed off

when despina says there's more where they came from.

It has to be more real when you say,

without my guglielmo, I'd Bury myself.

Now the old girl is so cynical that you girls,

aflhough protesting your love,

move away while she is

almost whispering in your ear

like some tempter.

Like the very devil himself.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Are you listening to this, Jerry?

[Ruth] Should we take six or seven steps?

Seven, Ruth.

Believe me, it's better this way.

What kind of animal are you?

A giraffe.

She's a giraffe.

Oh, ah, the hand gesture.

Such a cliche.

Cut.

From the beginning.

(Clears throat)

Without my guglielmo, I think I'd die.

Without my ferrando, I think I'll Bury myself.

You don't think no woman ever died for love?

Louder!

Die for a man? Why?

There's plenty more where they came from.

Don't insult those pure men.

They're models of fidelity and perfect love.

Don't talk nonsense.

You look for fidelity in a man.

Don't make me laugh.

Their tricks are all the same.

Lies, deceptions, crocodile tears.

All they wanna do is hop into your pants.

And once they've had their pleasure, they despise us.

They turn their backs on us.

They become tyrants!

And don't expect mercy from tyrants.

We women should pay them back in kind!

I don't agree with what despina's saying here, of course.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

My vision is coming alive.

(Laughing)

This is such misogynist shit.

Hmm?

The men don't trust the women, so they trick them.

I mean, the men are going off to war.

What are the women gonna do?

Well, they're not gonna hang around like nuns.

I mean, the men could be away for years.

What's wrong with the women having the occasional fuck?

Shut up!

Wash y—your mouth out!

[Lewis] Henry.

You've got a f—filthy mouth and a... f—filthy mind.

You think that women sh—should betray their, their lovers?

In the context of the men going off to war,

it isn't betrayal.

They're entitled to their fun.

My father was a soldier.

I've got s—something to say, Lewis.

Okay.

My father was a s—soldier and a great man.

My mother waited for him for years.

And when he returned, they got married and had me.

She didn't betray him.

That's love.

You're from a different generation.

Is this what y—you want this cosi to be about?

Women b—b—betraying their men?

Fuck me — don't swear!

Y—you want these w—w—women to be whores.

[Lewis] Henry.

Well, he's not going to make my mother a whore.

Henry, cosi's not a serious work.

I—I—it's a comedy

where a woman can remain true.

Is that a t—t—t—tragedy?

Oh, come on. —you!

I saw your play.

You know nothing about madness.

That's it.

I'm not gonna put up with this crap.

Crap?

Why, you...

All right Henry! —lewis!

Henry!

Drop him, Henry!

That's your director.

Henry!

If only your parents had forced you to do tax law

instead of criminal law,

you wouldn't be such an emotional mess.

Mr. Ward, you were brilliant!

How about you and I do cosi fan tutte,

and we get rid of Jerry?

Listen, you wacko.

Not only is the opera a piece of shit,

but it's way beyond what any of you people can do.

It'll be a disaster.

And you!

You need all the shock treatment you can get!

Come on.

Let's go back inside.

You're a failure.

You both are.

(Thunder rumbling)

Why am I a failure, Roy?

You and that idiot director friend of yours.

What would you both know about the torments of genius?

That's it, I'm not doing cosi.

But you wanna do it.

Well, it's wonderful.

It's about people, love.

Love?

Music is what love between humans should be,

and we've thrown out the music.

I had a dream, Jerry, and it's fading.

You're a failure.

You're even worse than Henry.

(Rain falling) (Thunder rolling)

What was your dream, Roy?

Music.

Colourful costumes.

Joie de vivre.

A world that was like my childhood.

The tea parties.

The dances in our ballroom.

And my beautiful mother.

She's flirting with the men

and she's waving her fan so fast,

it was just like a blur.

Mozart was being played on the piano.

That's the world I wanted cosi fan tutte to capture.

To recapture.

I wanted it to be beautiful.

It was supposed to make us forget this place.

Cosi fan tutte's gone.

The music too.

(Crying)

Roy, I think we can have some of Mozart's music in it.

Do you think so?

Yes.

Just leave it to me, okay?

Can I trust that you're not gonna let me down again?

Roy.

All right, I'll give you one more chance.

(Thunder rumbling)

(Suspenseful music)

(Water splashing)

(Suspenseful music)

(Pigs snorting)

(Squealing)

(Gentle music)

Hello, is anyone home?

(Slow piano music)

(Suspenseful music)

(Suspenseful music)

(Grunting)

Hey, it's not the end of the world!

(Screaming)

I mean, there are pigs everywhere.

Yeah, I thought this one might like to be by the fire.

[Lucy] Who are you?

Oh I heard there was a room for rent.

No there are no rooms for rent here.

Oh, that's okay, I'll stay on the couch.

Do you always walk around the house naked?

It's a sure sign when there are pigs everywhere

that the apocalypse is nearly upon us.

That's what me mum said.

- [Nick] Lucy!

Nick, in here.

Hey, how are ya?

Hey, you share with Lewis?

[Nick] Who are you?

And you take turns with Lucy.

I want you out of here.

I saw your production in the park.

I don't mean to be critical, but your direction sucks.

I wonder if you could go?

But I just got here.

[Lewis] What are the lights doing off?

Good evenin'.

(Pig grunts)

How did you escape from closed ward?

[Lucy] Lewis, who is he?

I found a friend on the way here.

Lucy said I could stay here.

Lewis, who is this man?

Doug's a patient.

How'd you find this place?

[Doug] Roy told me.

Roy.

Call the police!

I don't want any advice from you.

Why are you here Doug?

I've come to kill you.

Oh, god! —jesus.

Oh, yes?

And why's that?

You took my part in cosi, can I have it back?

You can't kid me Lewis!

I know everything that goes on in that asylum.

What are you looking at, fuckin' bug eyes?

[Lucy] I want him out of here!

And what I don't understand, Lewis,

is that you've been shagging Julie,

and yet your girlfriend's really attractive...

Stop it, Doug.

It's amazing.

Every fellow in the hospital wants her.

He's the only one she goes for.

You're screwing a mental patient?

[Doug] Yeah.

Don't be ridiculous!

I can understand your inner pain, Lucy.

Julie's a loony and a junkie.

I don't believe it.

And, Nicky, he does an opera about infidelity,

and he practises what he preaches.

Lewis! —shut up, everyone!

Just shut up!

Now listen, you, if I take you back,

you're gonna tell' em about cosi, aren't you?

Well, pardon me for living.

[Lucy] What the hell is going on?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll stay here 'til the show's open.

They won't know I'm here,

and you won't get the blame.

Lewis!

Hey, Lewis.

Hey, we got anything for dinner?

(Pig grunting)

Hey, we could set fire to the pig here, have roast pork.

(Squeals)

He is stark raving mad!

Hey, let's not play fast and loose

with categories here, luce.

I'm gonna call the asylum.

N—no, don't call the asylum!

If you call the asylum, he's gonna tell kirner,

and then they'll stop the play.

Well, fuck the play!

[Doug] Yeah, fuck the play.

Shut up, Doug!

Just shut up!

Oh, great, mate.

Go on, hit a mental patient.

You're losing it, Lewis.

Yeah, I'm with you then, Nick.

See? We're already bonding.

(Gasps)

Hey, meet your new flatmate.

Now we can all share you, luce.

(Pig squealing)

Let go of me arm, I'm not your boyfriend.

Shut up!

[Doug] Hey, I'm not going back to the closed ward.

[Lewis] You're gonna go back,

and you're gonna tell them nothing!

Don't threaten me, wanker!

Lewis! —what?

[Doug] This pig belongs at the slaughterhouse.

Just shut up and stop here.

(Pig squealing)

God!

You can't make me do anything, fascist!

(Grunts)

Hey, would you let me go! Hey!

No, I ain't doin' it, mate!

Get off me!

[Lewis] Shut up.

Shut up.

Wait here. —hey!

[Doug] I'm not going back!

I'm a free man!

(Grunting)

Shoo!

Out!

[Doug] Oy, let go of me!

(Pig squealing)

[Lewis] Fuckin' bastard.

[Doug] Hey, Nick! Nick!

Hey! Let go!

Just settle down, or you'll be staying

in the closed ward for months.

[Doug] Lemme go, ya poofter!

[Lewis] Shut up!

[Man] What's going on here?

Who are you?

Take care of him.

Here, Christ almighty, will you stop it, Doug!

[Doug] What?

Can you take care of my mad brother?

I'm not the mad one!

He's the mad one!

Put him in the closed ward immediately.

He's been indulging in satanic rituals again.

Come on, Doug.

(Yelling)

He'll struggle and he'll lie, but pay no attention.

He's a psychopath.

[Lewis] It's not me!

He's the mad one! No! Come on!

Look, I'm Lewis Riley!

I used to work here!

Hey, see ya, Doug!

[Lewis] He's the mad one!

Let go of me!

Thought I might go home and shag the missus.

[Lewis] I'm not mad!

He's the mad one!

(Lewis shouting)

(All shouting)

(Door slamming)

[Lewis] No no no no!

(Birds chirping)

Comfy, Doug, eh?

Wakey, wakey, son.

Hey!

What's Doug doing out of closed ward?

Uh, that's Doug in there.

[Assistant] Is your name Doug, too, then?

(Ahuds)

What happened, son?

[Lewis] Doug came to my place last night.

(Gentle music)

Maybe I should call the hospital.

He could be somewhere else.

Oh, look who's here.

Where have you been?

I've been locked up with the loonies.

Well, I'm not surprised!

[Lewis] Thanks for stickin' around!

You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

This is out of control, Lewis.

I think you should give it up.

Oh, you want me to give it up now, eh?

Lewis, a madman was here.

I was in the bath.

Now admit it, anything could've happened.

But it didn't. —he was fuckin'

throwing matches around!

The guy was a psychopath.

Yeah, you could be right about that.

Are you drunk or something?

(Chuckles) Lucy...

I'm just lucky that Nick was here!

When you finally come home,

you just start babbling about that fucking opera!

You sounded as mad as he is.

In fact, hey, maybe it runs in the family.

Oh, you are as compassionate as he is brave.

Thanks for that insight, Lewis.

Yeah, pleasure!

Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you.

(Opera music)

Bring this up.

Make sure it's tight and secure.

(Fabric ripping)

[Zac] Here is the poster.

Zac, cosi is supposed to be a secret!

Is this the only one?

Absolutely.

Chop—chop!

[Roy] Lewis!

What's that?

The 02 patients did it.

Is this another one of your concepts?

[Lewis] Yes, that's my concept.

Why don't you just drive a stake through my heart?

Lewis, her husband's left her.

Went to Brisbane with his lover.

(Hammering)

(Gentle music)

[Lewis] Are you gonna cut up the veins or across?

(Gentle music)

(Sobbing loudly)

[Errol] Well, are they gonna build a new g—ward?

What about the patients?

[Kirner] Halfway houses and the like.

You should know, errol.

There's a whole new emphasis on community care.

Halfway houses, community care.

Come on, you mean the government cuts the cost

and Chucks them on the street.

Errol, errol, don't make the mistake

of ending upon the streets with them.

Is that Henry?

Henry?

[Henry] Q—quick.

Henry!

What is going on here?

Errol, do you know what's going on here?

It's a surprise, Mr. Kirner.

These patients have given up their TV viewing time

to get the old laundry in shape for the variety show.

Occupational therapy would have been a bit crowded

for the minister and his guests.

[Henry] It was going to be a surprise for you, Mr. Kirner.

Henry, sing a Bee Gees medley for Mr. Kirner.

Oh.

J“ st—st—stayin' alive j“

j“ st—s—stayin' alive j“

on the night, Henry.

Thank you.

On the night.

Well, whoopee.

Keep up the good work.

(Opera music)

(Lewis singing)

Don't you look great.

But don't you think,

don't you think you might

be a little overdressed for the show?

I'm not going to the show.

But tonight's the only night for cosi.

Ah, you don't need me there.

It's your night.

I'm going to the legal aid ball.

What, alone?

No, no, I'm going with Nick.

He's my handbag for the evening.

[Lewis] You're going with Nick?

Are you sleeping with him?

[Lucy] You sound like something out of a French farce.

Are you sleeping with him?

How dare you, I'm not even going to answer that.

'Cause you hate the guy.

You think he's a fool, don't you?

This isn't about him, it's about you, Lewis.

You've changed.

Yes, I have. —yes, you have.

Because I'm finally doing something

that's important to me.

You are doing a stupid, reactionary opera

with a bunch of lunatics!

Don't blame it on the opera!

At least it's about something important,

like love and fidelity.

Yeah, after bread, shelter, procreation

and quality health.

Not to mention trust.

[Lewis] Of course.

Comes something like fidelity.

I'm late.

That's what I love about you lawyers.

You think you can rationalise anything don't you?

Well, I think we should have a break.

Yes, well, you would, wouldn't you?

Well, here, give this to Nick.

It's 50 bucks, hmm?

He'll know what it's for.

(Sighs)

(Bag slams)

(Gentle music)

(Paper rips)

Why not?

Because it's Wagner, we're doing Mozart.

[Zac] Wimpy, bloody, fuckin' Mozart!

[Lewis] It's too late anyway, everything is set.

[Zac] But all I get to do is turn on the record player.

Zac!

Look what I found, Jerry.

I got all of them, I think.

Would you mind handing out those

to people when they come in?

[Errol] No problem.

Thanks, errol.

I promise I'll be on top of it.

I purposely didn't take my medication.

All right, Zac!

You can play your Wagner,

in the encore.

Oh, that's just great.

Okay, I want everyone to come up onstage

and get the feel of it.

See where everything is and check your props.

Next year we'll do m—m—macbeth.

You you demon!

You've mentioned the Scottish play.

You have cursed.

Run around the theatre three times.

Three times?

It's the only way to break the curse.

Go, or else we're all doomed!

Doomed!

(Moaning)

Gone.

I've lost 'em all.

Lewis! —what?

Lewis! —what?

I've invented my own gesture.

(Panting) I've invented an original gesture.

(Laughing, panting)

Oh, there's a friend of yours waiting outside.

What is it, Nick?

What do you want?

[Nick] I came to wish you the best for tonight.

I thought you might like a hand.

I thought you'd be at the ball with Lucy.

Henry!

I was.

She asked me about the $50.

(Chuckling) Women, eh?

No sense of humour.

We're both in the shit now.

Here's your money.

I don't want it.

Look, take it.

Women shouldn't come between mates.

You're not my mate.

Roy's just gone back to his ward.

He was in some sort of panic.

Lewis, look.

I didn't have sex with Lucy.

I wanted to, I tried.

M—maybe—maybe she's gay.

Henry, what are you doing?

The audience is going to be arriving soon.

I'm breaking a curse.

Roy's gone back to his ward.

Is it because his parents are coming or something?

He doesn't have any.

He's never had a family.

His mother put him in an orphanage when he was born.

He was f—f—fostered out when he was young,

but nobody liked him' cause he was t—t—too loony,

so he spent m—most of his life in institutions.

H—h—his stories are great, though, eh?

Come on.

Let's, let's, let's spend it.

I mean, we'll buy some drinks,

we'll work on a show together.

We're friends.

You're not my friend, you're a parasite.

I want you out of the house before I get home tonight.

Oh, and you're a shit—ass director.

You don't deserve Lewis as a friend.

He needs all the love he can get.

And I'm just the woman who'll give it to him.

(Grunts)

(Whistling)

(Panfing)

(Clattering)

Roy.

Roy.

Look, I know you've got stage fright.

No, I haven't.

You're mad.

It's okay.

It's okay, because I've got it too.

I have not got stage fright.

Well, the cast are waiting, Roy.

I can't remember my lines, not one.

You must've gone through this before.

You've never acted before?

I used to be a stage electrician

before I got sick.

I always wanted to be onstage.

Do it without me, I'll only let you down.

I can't do it without you!

I'll let you all down.

I can't remember any of my lines!

All right, I'll whisper them to you.

(Gasps)

(Gentle music)

Roy, do you remember when you told me

about the world of your childhood?

The ballroom dancing and the Mozart.

That was such a beautiful vision.

It's kept me going.

I didn't like cosi fan tutte at first, Roy,

but you've taught me to love it.

And I love it with all of my heart,

because it makes love the most beautiful

and foolish thing.

And as you and I know, Roy,

there's not a lot of real love out there in the world.

But the great thing about being in cosi

is being able to believe for just two hours

that real love between people is possible.

You've taught me a lot, Roy.

Everyone will be staring at me.

If they weren't staring at you, I would be worried.

I suppose you're right in a way.

It's only natural everyone would be staring

at me all night and not at you.

Absolutely.

I'm back! Ow!

(All chattering)

[Man] Move along.

This is reserved for the minister.

[Woman] This way.

Don't you look nice.

Did you walk into a door, love?

(Groans)

Sit down.

(Squeaking)

The name's Bernard Goldman, theatre entrepreneur.

Come on lads, read those lessons

and don't bugger things up.

Come on, hurry up!

Vamoos.

(Door rolling)

The sugar's in the tin.

[Woman] This is what you're wearing

for the supremes medley?

[Man] Henry's sweating like a pig, Jerry.

Lewis?

Well, what the fuck is going on?

(Scattered laughs)

(Clears throat)

(Groans)

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is very special.

In our audience we have the minister of health,

and Mr. Kirner, our wonderful administrator,

and many mentally impaired people.

Hey, hey!

What you're about to see

is the result...

Zac, get ready with the music.

Okay, everybody, we're going on.

But also on the part of my wonderful clients

from occupational therapy.

So, ladies and gentlemen, as they say in show biz,

let's hit it.

(Audience applauding)

(Orchestral music)

Boo! Boo!

Calm down. —coffee!

Coffee!

I know my dorabella is faithful and true,

and there's nothing unvirtuous you'd get her to do.

You think fiordiligia traitor to me?

I know I am right, and she would constant be.

Excuse me, excuse me.

[Roy] Coffee!

I speak with experience.

I know what I'm saying.

But let's end this argument y—y—you'll never see.

[Both] We'll not let you tarnish

the names of our sweethearts.

We want you to give us some proof,

or else off you go.

(Yawns)

You two boys are n—naive.

Women are n—never true.

You will lose your wager.

[Roy] Coffee!

(Gasps)

(Moaning)

(Laughing)

(Groaning)

I see the last detachment

has embarked on the galley

to take the tardy few who dally.

My life. —oh, my own angel!

[Lewis] My love!

[Roy] My darling!

Give me one look to treasure!

[Julie] My darling, write me often.

No, write me often.

Back to your work, despina.

Oh, yes, no doubt my complying

with I—laughter, I am d—d—dying.

Lewis! Lewis!

You'll sink the boat, despina.

[Julie, Ruth] Farewell, my love!

[Both] Farewell, my love!

[Both] What torture racks our hearts!

[Lewis, Roy] No, what torture racks our hearts!

(Roy and Lewis shouting)

(Chorus singing)

(Cheering, whistling)

(Evil cackling)

(Opera music)

I'm totally on top of the situation.

And then at the finale, fuckin' bingo!

In my society, dismiss anxiety.

I'm too nervous.

(Woman singing)

How strange his action.

(Woman singing)

Leave apprehension and give attention to me!

(Opera music)

(Crash) (Screams)

(Upbeat music)

Oh, Jesus.

My blood runs cold. —I feel faint.

Oh holy mother, I am weak.

Okay, let's hit it.

(Yells)

(Chorus singing)

(Grunts)

They are stupefied!

What do we say?

[Cherry] Clumsy junkie, I'll get it.

I cannot bear this torment.

This is the man who deceived us.

W—where's my music?

[Julie] Where's Zac?

Somebody faint, Henry, faint.

I'll g—get my c—costume dirty.

(Groaning)

Oh! Oh!

Ferrando!

Oh! Oh!

Keep going, keep going.

You see what your infidelity...

Oh, magic, yeah. —has done to me?

Pass them along,

pass them along.

Light them up.

Come on, everybody.

[Cherry] Do something.

[Roy] Sing, Henry, sing.

[Henry] J—j—julie.

(Audience murmuring)

[Doug] Can you pass one?

Be careful.

J“ when the night j“

j“ has come j“

j“ and the land is dark j“

j“ and the moon j“

j“ is the only j“

j“ light we'll see j“

j“ no, I won't be afraid j“

j“ no, I won't be afraid j“

j“ just as long j“

j“ as you'll stand j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ so, darlin', darlin' j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ oh, stand by me j“

j“ if the sky we look upon j“

j“ should tumble and fall j“

j“ or the mountains j“

j“ should crumble to the sea j“

j“ I won't cry j“

j“ I won't cry j“

j“ no, I won't j“

j“ shed a tear j“

j“ just as long as you'll stand j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ so, darlin', darlin' j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ oh stand by me j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ stand by me j“

(audience applauding)

(Opera music)

(Singing in foreign language)

(Screaming)

(All gasping)

(Opera music)

(Confetti exploding)

(Cheering, whistling)

(Audience applauding)

(Opera music)

Later, later.

Sorry.

Through here, minister.

(Chattering)

Lewis, Lewis.

Congratulations, congratulations, it was wonderful.

I'm sure once you get out of here,

you can easily get a job in the theatre.

Lewis, uh, this is Bernie.

That was brilliant! Brilliant!

I want to tour it.

It's going to be a hit.

I haven't seen anything like it since south pacific.

I'm going to give you an advance.

In fact, I brought my chequebook with me.

I guess some of my advice rubbed off.

Bernie, back to your ward.

What about the rights to the show?

[Assistant] Back to your ward, Bernie.

Hey, everybody said it was f—f—fantastic.

[Lweis] It was fantastic, yeah.

Jerry!

Yes, you did it, Roy, you did it.

Lewis, here's a love letter.

There'll be plenty more where that came from

because Doug gave me your address, ha!

(Soft piano music)

Jerry, my boy, I got a present for ya.

Oh, Roy.

You got a few teething problems with your direction.

I made out a list of 'em.

I know you can take criticism,

because you must get a lot of it.

Thank you, Roy.

Next year, Jerry, a greater triumph awaits us.

The Don! —the Don?

Don Giovanni.

It's time for me to go beyond these ensemble pieces.

It's time for a lead role!

Humility can limit ya. —yes.

I was once a lady—killer in my day, Jerry.

Literally.

(Laughing)

(Soft music)

(Sniffles)

[Ruth] We should've been back

in our wards 47 minutes ago.

(Gentle music)

(Thunder rumbling)

(Gentle music)

(Gentle music)

[Roy] Of course, after tonight I'll have to consider

very carefully whether you can handle a major part.

I made a list of all your faux pas tonight.

(Grunts)

(Laughs)

Henry.

Henry!

I thought your direction was lousy

until I saw your acting.

Hey, Doug, go burn a cat.

Who writes your dialogue? Oscar wilde?

Gonna burn down the old laundry next.

My motto is to try and try again.

'Cause my mother instilled in me a protestant work ethic.

I'll give you some friendly advice, Lewis!

Don't ever, ever get a cat!

Lewis?

Kirnerjust told me that I'm gonna leave this place.

I'm a bit scared.

Isn't that what you wanted?

There are a lot of temptations out there.

Well, I could help you, if you like.

Out there I'm a real handful.

Can I see you before you go?

I'd like that.

(Gentle music)

Bastards!

Who do they think they are?

Think they're gonna get a Mozart finale.

(Gentle music)

Let's kick some ass!

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all

been wishing for.

Wagner!

(Accordion music)

("Ride of the valkyries")

("Don't dream it's over")

J“ there is freedom within j“

j“ there is freedom without j“

j“ try to catch the deluge in a paper cup j“

j“ there's a battle ahead j“

j“ many battles are lost j“

j“ but you'll never see the end of the road j“

j“ while you're travelling with me j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't dream it's over j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ when the world comes in j“

j“ they come, they come j“

j“ to build a wall between us j“

j“ you know they won't win j“

j“ now I'm towing my car j“

j“ there's a hole in the roof j“

j“ my possessions are causing me suspicion j“

j“ but there's no proof j“

j“ in the paper today j“

j“ tales of war and of waste j“

j“ but you turn right over to the TV page j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't dream it's over j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ when the world comes in j“

j“ they come, they come j“

j“ to build a wall between us j“

j“ you know they won't win j“

J“ now I'm walking again j“

j“ to a beat of the drum j“

j“ and I'm counting the steps j“

j“ to the door of your heart j“

j“ only the shadows ahead j“

j“ barely clearing the roof j“

j“ get to know the feeling of liberation and release j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't dream it's over j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ when the world comes in j“

j“ they come, they come j“

j“ to build a wall between us j“

j“ you know they won't win j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't let them win j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ yeah j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“