All language subtitles for Cosi.1996.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].engHI

(Gentle music)

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

What the hell are they
wasting money on this for, eh?

Can you tell me that?

It's his pet project.

We need staff, we need beds,

and they're wasting
money on this.

Errol, the minister
wants this to go through.

He thinks drama is good therapy.

Yes.

Is that all? Two?

Well, all right then,
let's have the first one.

(Door squeaking)

You.

Take a seat, Mr. Riley.

This is errol greer, head nurse;

Sandra Russell, head
occupational therapist;

and I'm Jeff kirner, the
director of this institution.

Have you ever worked

with mental patients
before, Mr. Riley?

[Lewis] Uh, no.

You didn't finish at university?

No, well, I, uh,
wanted to experience

a little bit of the world first.

Marvellous, marvellous.

What this project is
about, Lewis, is people,

getting them to gain
confidence through theatre.

You ever directed anything?

Oh, various things.

We need something
within their reach,

a pantomime.

Pantomime, I've
done a pantomime.

Variety show?

Now, that's exactly the
sort of thing that I had in mind.

All right.

Heads, the dyke.

Tails, Orson welles.

(Door opens)

(Clears throat) It was
a unanimous decision.

This is the closed ward.

Our hardened
clients are sent there.

You won't be working
with any of those,

which is just as well.

Don't worry about what
you see around the place.

Things are pretty
well under control.

Well, have been.

You have to keep
an attendance folder.

They have to be back in the
ward at four o'clock sharp,

no ifs or buts.

No smoking in the hall

because we don't have
enough fire extinguishers

to go around.

Stay calm.

Don't upset the patients.

They're on varying
degrees of medication,

but don't let that worry you.

Just worry about
the ones who aren't.

Here it is.

It's not exactly the
palladium but I'd say,

with a bit of elbow grease,
it should scrub up fine.

What are you doing here, Roy?

[Roy] I've been
waiting a long time.

Where are they?

[Errol] Who?

The others.

I heard we were doing a show.

What ward are you from?

He's not from a ward, Roy.

He's the director.

Marvellous, marvellous.

My name's Roy, what's yours?

Uh, Lewis.

Marvellous!

We'll be a team like Jerry
Lewis and Dean Martin.

So, when are the auditions?

What are you talking about?

Jerry, he's gonna
direct my favourite opera,

cosi fan tutte.

[Errol] Don't be stupid, Roy.

No one's doing an opera.

I'll go and organise
your auditions immediately.

See you tomorrow
then (door slams)?

Jerry.

(Gentle music)

(Truck horn honking)

(Gentle music)

(Grunting)

[Lucy] 80, you got the job?

Yes, I got the job.

So, you don't seem
very enthusiastic.

Well, it'll do until
I get a real job.

That's what you
said about the last one.

Well, Nick said that this
one'd be a bit of a lark.

I think it's a
great thing to do.

Yeah, oh, it's great.

I've already met a
50—year—old psychotic

who wants me to direct an opera

and thinks I'm Jerry Lewis.

Is he handsome?

(Water splashing)

Incredibly.

As a matter of
fact, I think you two

would make a very good couple.

I think I might've
found my true vocation

in life: Matchmaking.

[Lucy] You'd even follow
it through to the wedding.

Hey, come in.

Lewis, Lucy.

I've come to ask favour.

Can I move in?

It's just for a short while.

Sure, of course, you can.

I had a bit of trouble
on the home front.

Emma kick you out?

You know me, Lucy.

I'm at a bit of a
loss with women.

Try men then, Nick.

(Grunts)

She's gonna make a great lawyer.

Quick, heartless.

I'm god's lonely man
on the streets of Moscow.

The question of my parentage
is driving me insane!

[Lewis] Hey!

(Laughing)

It's driving me to drink.

You know, if I didn't
have to do my production

of diary of a madman so soon,

I'd love to do that asylum job.

Think of the experience.

Would you be able to come
in and help me occasionally?

Synchronicity.

You're directing a
show with madmen.

I'm directing and starring
in a show about a madman.

(Pig squealing)

God, you really are
close to the piggeries.

So, will you be able
to come and help me?

Lewis, there's only
one thing to remember:

Madmen are normal people.

It's just they've
ended up in an asylum.

(Guitar strumming)

J“ get me out of here j“

j“ get me out of here j“

(sighs)

J'getmej'

oh, sh...

Oh!

J“ get me out of j“

you go to bed.

You come to bed.

(Guitar strumming)

(Grunts)

Sorry about the noise.

You know Nick, he
gets a bit excited.

Lewis, normal
people don't prepare

for their first day at
work by getting smashed.

It's your first job in ages.

Yeah, exactly, which
is why I've chosen

to take this unique approach.

(Laughing)

Are you gonna
take this seriously?

You can't keep drifting along.

One day you're gonna
have to finish something.

Don't worry about it,
it's gonna be a breeze.

I can handle these people.

Pay attention!

We're here!

I've scoured the wards, Jerry,

and believe me, there's
a lot of talent on this list.

There should be plenty to
choose from for the opera.

Roy, we're doing a variety show.

Oh, of course, of course.

All right, who's on first?

(Patients yelling)

(Knocking)

(Stomping feet)

Hopeless.

Get off!

(Crashing)

I thought you were
in a closed ward.

I tunnelled my way out.

Who's the poofter?

Jerry, our director.

Oh, yeah?

You get to fuck the actresses?

I heard that's why
people wanna direct.

Okay, I'm gonna do me piece now.

It's called shang a do Dee.

Okay, okay, okay.

Too long have white
motherfuckers ruled this country.

Now it's time for our
people to take control.

Check this out.

(Rapping)

J“ yo, my mama, yo
mama talkin' like shit j“

j“ my mama called your mama
a bull—dyked assed bitch j“

j“ I know your sister
and the bitch ain't shit j“

j“ she slagged me
and all the boys j“

j“ and sucked my dick j“

j“ yo, sh sh sh sh
sh sh shag a do Dee j“

j“ let's do it doggie
style (barking) J“

j“ yo, shang a do Dee
my mate's a paedophile j“

j“ shang a do Dee j“

j“ hey, let's screw the rich j“

j“ shang a do Dee I'm
gonna hump my bitch j“

(shoes squeaking)

I could never understand
the words of rock and roll,

but he's got good rhythm.

J“ I'm so excited j“

j“ I just can't hide it j“

I'd like you to meet Mr. Sock.

J“ I'm about to lose control j“

j“ and I think I like it j“

we're going to
do a poem for you.

J“ and if you move real slow j“

j“ I'll let it go j“

(whistling)

Lovely, Ruth.

(Hacking)

(Yelling)

(Laughing)

The last word of a little child.

Silence, the young girl said.

Why, oh, why must you weary me?

Plague me no longer now.

[Woman] For I am listening
like the orange tree.

The klingons are
gaining on us, Mr. Spock.

Go to warp factor five, Scotty.

The engines can't
take it, Mr. Spock.

Beam her up.

Somebody fucking beam her up.

J“ tell all the gang j“

j“ at 42nd street j“

j“ that I will still be there j“

faster, you creep!

J“ tell them j“

c—can't s—sing.

J“ of how I'm yearning j“

(yelling)

Get off of me, you mad banshee.

- Right.

[Roy] We've got our six.

[Nurse] That's enough.

J“ call me there j“

(soft music)

Well this is a very
unusual position for me.

Oh, come on, Jerry.

Let's get this show on the road.

Stay, Henry, stay.

So, shall we start now?

Yes, I guess it's really
down to what we wanna do.

It looks like a
small group of six.

Six, yes, that's
what I wanted, six.

We've been thinking
about doing a variety show.

We haven't been thinking
any such thing, Jerry.

Don't be patronising to us.

We're gonna do cosi
fan tutte, the opera.

Little Richard wrote an opera?

Tutti frutti the opera?

It's an opera by
Mozart, you lowlife.

It's the greatest opera
in the whole world.

You're
university—educated, Jerry.

You must know it off by heart.

What's it about?

It's about testing
how true your lover is.

Ah, well, I'm shattered
and wrung out already.

Shut up or I'll
knock your block off!

Come on!

(Both yelling)

Hey!

[Roy] Get him off.

Cut it out!

Sit down!

Go burn a cat.

[Doug] Ah, vicious.

You gotta be
tough with 'em, Lewis.

[Lewis] Okay, okay.

Well, why don't we...

Why don't you give us an
outline of the story then, Roy?

It starts off in a coffee
shop in Naples, Italy.

These two young fellas
are boasting how faithful

their girlfriends are.

So, this old fellow,
Don Alfonso,

he says to guglielmo
and ferrando,

"okay, let's make a wager

"and test the girls' fidelity."

So, the young men, they
pretend to go overseas and fight,

but they come back
disguised as Albanians.

(Laughing)

This cracks me up every time.

Right, of course, the
girls fall for the albinos.

Albanians.

Yes, but there's a twist.

Guglielmo's girlfriend falls
for ferrando and vice versa.

Anyway, the boys
reveal their disguises,

and things right
themselves in the end,

and Don Alfonso is proved
right: Women are never true.

We'll have to have a
real cappuccino machine.

In the opening scene,
in the coffee shop.

This is just another
battle of the sexes.

Oh, I suppose so,

if you could
describe the crusades

as a sightseeing lark
on the way to Jerusalem.

Oh, please, someone
give him some lithium.

Come on, everyone.

Show some enthusiasm.

This is a masterpiece.

There's music.

Of course, there's great music.

Let me get this straight,
there's some singing.

It's all singing.

But I'm the only
one that can sing.

[Roy] Oh, yes, but
Jerry can train the others.

Chin up, Jerry.

I believe in you.

Now, now, there's
just one more thing.

Who speaks Italian?

(Opera music)

Hey, it's an easy language!

Ask any Italian!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Get off me.

(Opera music)

Aren't you two rats
gonna desert the Titanic?

I prefer this to the ward.

Is this the music to it?

I don't need the score anyway.

It's all in my head.

It is the Harmony
of the spheres,

and that Harmony
is Mozart's music.

Without that,
there would just be

a clanging, banging
bedlam all around us.

I'll win 'em over, Jerry.

Tomorrow, come
back, and you'll find

we've missed the
iceberg and we're sailing

into calm waters.

Trust me, Jerry.

(Pigs squealing)

_ pigs don't die with any
sort of grace, do they?

(Woman singing)

You know what the title means?

Women are like that.

No, no, actually,
it's like that,

but the implication is

that women are like that.

Women are foolish.

We are just falling
in love with men

at the drop of a hat
and betraying them.

Lucy, why are you
taking this so seriously?

Nothing is decided yet.

And it's only a piece
of therapy for them.

A woman's constancy
is like the arabian Phoenix.

People have heard of
it, but no one has seen it.

You know something?

Lucy's right, Lewis.

Well, it is serious, this
thing about women.

They are like that.

You're joking?

No, they are.

Emma was screwing
somebody behind my back.

Cosi fan tutte is a valid
interpretation of women.

Well, that is a very
interesting point, Nick,

but in my experience,
it's usually the men

that have the
difficulty maintaining...

[Nick] Maybe you've
led a sheltered life.

This is a difficult project.

I'm trying to act as though I

t's not my first time directing.

[Nick] Oh, look,
directing's simple.

Well, you'd know, Nick.

Look, the rule is
this, all actors are mad,

even the mad ones.

The crucial key is to find
out what sort of animal

the actor is.

Are they a bird? A dog? A tiger?

Because people are...

Settle down, everyone.

I'll play the main
part, guglielmo.

Typecasting, really.

The definite, if not
definitive, dorabella.

Don't you think, Jerry?

And Henry, well, Don
Alfonso, obviously.

Sounds great, Roy.

Of course, it's great.

Don't you worry about Henry.

He's the perfect Don Alfonso.

Henry used to be a lawyer.

They're all cynical
like Don Alfonso.

Roy.

Oh, my god, who's
gonna paint the backdrops?

Roy!

We gotta get
occupational therapy

to stop making those baskets

and get working right away.

Roy.

Oh, and the posters.

Roy!

That's the name, Jerry.

Roy, no one can sing.

Ruth can hold a tune.

What I mean, Roy, is
that no one can sing opera.

We certainly did get
out on the wrong side

of the bed this morning,
didn't we, Jerry?

Plus, the opera is in Italian.

That is an incredible
burden (groans)

Even for the most
brilliant talent.

I aim for the stars, Jerry.

Is that such a bad thing?

No, I like your enthusiasm.

Then let's aim for the stars!

Be inspired.

(Opera music)

I want what Roy's on.

(Opera music)

Maybe we should do another play?

Yeah let's do cats in the nude!

Take your clothes off!

I've got it, sing it in English.

Jerry can translate the Italian.

We'll start rehearsals
immediately.

Roy, I don't think
you see my point.

It would be very difficult

to start rehearsals
immediately because

no one here can sing this music!

(Needle scratches)

Look, it's simple.

You rehearse it like a
proper play, you know?

A stage play?

Then as you know
the songs better,

you incorporate them
into the stage business

you've already learned.

That's exactly
what I was thinking.

[Woman] I'm hungry.

[Doug] That'd be
right, blubber—face.

[Woman] Go burn a cat!

[Lewis] Lunch!

Whoo! Coming to
eat with us, Lewis?

In a moment.

I might just have a look

at the translation
of the libretto.

[Roy] Like all
the best directors,

a glutton for punishment.

Couldn't direct a
nymphomaniac to a stag night.

(Gentle music)

So, you obviously
think they're quite capable

of doing this?

Of course, I do, son.

None of them can sing and
the orchestra is comatose.

I'm looking fonnard to it.

(Gentle music)

[Ruth] Julie, you're late.

[Julie] I've got to see my
shrink, can you tell Lewis?

(Gentle music)

You're as skinny as a rake.

Here.

(Gagging)

Oh, you're choking.

Here, here, heimlich manoeuvre.

(Grunting) Oof! Oof!

Get it out!

You all right?

You all right? You all right?

(Coughing)

Sit down, sit down.

You know about Julie (coughing)?

She's not coming back.

Junkies, totally unreliable.

So, the maid's a
pretty big part, is it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She gets to pretend
to be a doctor, a priest.

Something to
extend my acting, right?

(Chuckles)

Will outsiders see the show?

I don't know.

If it's a real large
role, I'll invite my dad.

Mmhmm.

He'll be surprised
to see me out of water.

My dad was a great duck hunter.

We were very poor,
couldn't afford a dog,

so he had to use me to
point and fetch the ducks.

Those lakes can get
pretty cold when you're

swimming in 'em with a
dead duck in your mouth.

Hah! Just pulling your leg!

I sucked you right in, didn't I?

You know, I really like you.

Well, I better get
back to the libretto.

(Piano music)

(Groaning) (Piano keys clanking)

(Soft music)

[Doug] Got a girlfriend?

Hey, I believe in free love,

but it's a bit hard
to practise it in here.

Is she pretty, your girlfriend?

Some people think so.

You gonna marry her?

Don't know.

Don't.

Dad said to me, you
can always find loneliness

in a marriage,
but never solitude.

I like my solitude.

Was she a virgin
when you first had her?

[Cherry] Where's the dunnies?

At the back.

I hope you fall in,
but you're too fat.

Go burn a cat.

Why are they always saying that?

That's what I did.

Burned a cat?

Nah, cats.

Me mum had five cats.

And me and mum, we'd been
having a few differences.

So one night I rounded 'em up,

put 'em in a cage,
doused 'em with petrol,

then I put a match to 'em.

(Chuckling) Funny, eh?

Then I let 'em
out the cage door,

and I let 'em run loose.

Well, boy, oh,
boy, what a racket.

They were running
around the backyard,

burning and howling.

No such thing as
grace under pressure

for a burning
cat, let me tell ya.

Then me mum came outside
to see what was happening.

Totally freaked out, she did.

See, ifigured I'd
wait a couple of hours

'til the cats were dead

and mum was feeling
a bit sorry for herself.

I'd go up to the front
door and I'd knock on it,

and I'd say, "hi, mum.

"I've come to talk about
our unresolved conflicts."

Before I know, one
of those fuckin' cats

ran into the house.

In a couple of minutes, the
whole bloody house was on fire.

Within half an hour, there
was no front door to knock on.

If it wasn't for that damn
cat, I wouldn't be in here.

What's your
girlfriend's name again?

Lucy.

Lucy.

That's a nice name.

Bet she fucked plenty
of guys before you.

I looked in the
mirror this morning

and realised who I am.

I mean, how could I
think for one moment

that I am a civil servant?

I am the king of england.

(Laughing)

I talk to plants,

I think modern architecture
is driving us insane.

What did you think? —it's good.

Still in its early days?

Oh yeah.

We're still sort of journeying
through it, discovering it.

I just wondered if the
madman was a little over the top?

(Laughing)

Well, everyone's a critic.

Absolutely, Nick.

I gotta make a phone call.

So, how is it with
the, uh, loonies?

Yeah, it's going quite well.

Though I might still
want you to come

and give me a hand.

It's a good opera
to be doing, infidelity.

Women like to pretend they
don't fool around, but they do.

They're just more
secretive about it.

They don't brag like men do.

I mean, Emma.

Emma was doing it every day.

Well, so were you.

Only after I knew.

I mean, I saw the
signs: New dress.

I have to stay behind and work.

I bet you Lucy's doing it.

Come off it, Nick.

I'm not being personal here.

It's just an anthropological
observation.

Sorry.

The guy at legal aid wants
me to help him out tonight.

I better go.

Loan me a 10, Lewis?

See ya.

How late will you be?

I don't know, when we finish.

Don't worry, you are going to be

a much better
director than Nick.

Don't wait up.

$10 dollars she's
playing around.

$10 dollars.

That's my $10 dollars.

Not after I've won the bet.

All right, make it $50 dollars.

All right, 50.

Lewis.

She wants me to take her out.

J“ and I will raise
you from your sleep j“

j“ I will kiss you
in four places j“

j“ as I go running
along your street j“

j“ I will squeeze the
life right outta you j“

j“ you will make me
laugh and make me cry j“

j“ and we will
never forget it j“

j“ you'll make me
call your name j“

j“ and I'll shout it to
the blue summer sky j“

j“ and we may
never meet again j“

j“ so shed your skin
and let's get started j“

j“ and you will throw j“

j“ your arms around me j“

j“ yeah, you will throw j“

oh (chuckling).

I'm early.

I was told that you
weren't coming back.

Yeah, I was gonna
come back yesterday

after I saw my
shrink, but he was late.

They're always late.

You have a good voice.

Christ, it's hard to
get out of this place.

You been here long?

Five months.

Mm, too long.

My parents had me committed.

I should be in drug rehab,

but, you know, the shrink
said drugs were the symptom,

not the cause, so...

But cosi's great.

Yeah, I like things about love.

What does your girlfriend do?

She's a last year law student.

She also helps out at legal aid.

Yeah, my father's
a retired lawyer.

Boy, they can find
all sorts of loopholes.

I mean, I'm a loophole.

That's why I'm in here.

You have a nice smile.

[Lewis] All right,
everybody and action.

I know dorabella
is faithful and true.

There's nothing unvirtuous
you'd get her to do.

Ah.

You think fiordiligia
traitor to me?

I know I am right and
she would constant be.

Henry?

Henry, that's your cue.

Mm mm.

A brilliant piece of casting.

Henry, don't you
want to do this?

He m—made me d—d—do this.

Why do people always
let me down (banging)?

[Doug] Hey, yo, it's a
do—it—yourself lobotomy.

God knows how you
can live with yourself.

You're a failure as a lawyer.

I give you a chance at success,

but, oh, no, you choose failure.

Roy, no one is a
success or failure in life.

Tell that to the
failures of this world.

I don't think that
approach is gonna help, Roy.

Oh, look, I've known
him for six years,

but you're the director, Jerry.

Henry, Henry,
I'd like you to stay.

Why don't you just sit down,

watch what the others
are doing for a while,

and then you can join
in when you want to?

Okay, we'll go on to
scene two with the girls

so that Henry can watch
how the others do it.

Bravo!

Masterstroke.

[Lewis] Roy!

Couldn't direct a
rat up a drainpipe.

[Julie] To reveals an Adonis,

but not to the image
enshrined on my heart.

[Ruth] Then love,
it must follow that...

(Clears throat)
Ruth, it might be good

if you walked over there.

Well, you're thinking
about your lover.

[Doug] Just move your
fat ass to the other side.

But I don't have a lover.

I'll be your lover.

Ruth, you're going over there

to think about your lover.

That's your motivation.

I have no lover.

I don't think you heard me.

[Ruth] What's over here?

Ah, well, there's a garden,

some rocks, a cliff
overlooking the sea.

There's nothing here.

Well, they're an illusion.

Patently.

Am I near the
illusion of the cliffs?

Do us all a favour, jump.

[Lewis] Doug!

[Doug] What?

How do you want me to show

that I'm thinking about
my illusionary lover?

Ruth. —yes?

What sort of animal are you?

For pity's sake, Jerry!

Ruth isn't an animal.

She's a human being.

Roy's right, you know.

Look, the way I see it,

a director's like a traffic cop.

You have to direct traffic.

Ruth, now what you want to know

is how many steps
you have to take, right?

Yes, that's it,
that's it exactly.

Now that's a perfectly
legitimate question.

Now I don't wanna teach
you to suck eggs, Jerry,

but, well, Ruth, she's
obviously crying out for direction.

When do I get to play the piano?

[Lewis] All right, Ruth,
if you take four steps

from there to there, you
will avoid any illusions!

[Errol] You're learning, son.

[Lewis] Oh, thank
you very much, errol!

[Errol] You're welcome.

And Zac, do you
remember that we decided

to rehearse cosi as a play
before we introduced the music?

These four steps, if I
took very small steps,

I could do that in eight.

Or I could do it in two.

So, which do you want?

Four, eight or two?

Someone strangle her!

Can I go to the toilet?

[Doug] Go get a bedpan.

[Cherry] You, shut up.

I'm not fuckin'
stupid, you know.

He can't move.

Ruth, let's make pussy not war.

You are an animal.

Don't you talk to her like that.

What are you gonna do?

Spit on me and
give me the plague?

Quiet!

Without me, you are nothing.

[Lewis] Quiet!

Seig heil!

Roy, don't worry about me.

You have your hands full

just concentrating
on your acting.

You, if you're a director,

Doug's Mel Gibson.

Roy, one more word
outta you and I quit.

You're incompetent.

That's it, I quit.

That was two words.

(Gentle music)

All right, everyone,
I'm your new director.

(Gentle music)

[Cherry] Lewis!

Come back!

- [Julie] Lewis!

Mate! —lewis, stay!

Don't go!
—don't leave us with Roy!

Don't go! Lewis! —please!

I'll help you direct!

Come on!

Their routine's already
been disrupted enough.

It's not gonna hurt.

They need to see
how others do it.

[Errol] It's a bad idea.

I think it's a good idea.

It's all yours, errol.

(Gentle music)

All right, everyone, out.

Come on, follow me.

[Roy] There's a
lot of water out there.

[Doug] Excuse me mate,
could I borrow some matches?

Here you go.

Hey, thanks.

[Woman] Wait,
you got my matches.

Who is this director
friend of yours?

And he's also acting in it?

So, he's an auteur.

[Man] Hey, hey, what
are you doing, you idiot!

[Doug] Hey, up yours.

(Chattering)

[Errol] All right,
come on, stay together.

Keep up, Henry.

This row.

In you go.

Come on, Roy.

[Roy] Piss off, mate.

You don't want to
be here, all right?

Come on, in, everybody.

Henry, come on.

[Doug] Hey,
love, how's it going?

Doug, you out of
the crack, come on.

Sorry dad.

[Errol] Beside me.

Right, anyone out of
line, it's back to the bus.

Hey you need a light, love?

One more word
outta you, I'll rip

your fuckin' tongue
out through your ass.

Sophie?

Must not have heard me.

Why do women go out in the rain?

God in heaven, she
did not notice me.

I am lost.

Lost forever.

A dog was talking to me.

Am I going mad?

A dog was talking to me.

It was saying...

(Barks)

I've been (barks) Very ill.

I think I'm going mad.

Dogs are talking to me.

This doesn't look like a house.

This is not the palace.

Call Princess Diana and tell her

they've taken me
to the wrong place.

Please. —please.

I've gone mad, get away from me.

Ah!

You can't do that to
the king of england.

Save your sad son!

They are ripping my
mind apart (sobbing).

Save me as you would
a Romanian orphan.

Oh, I feel like a
motherless child.

(Crying)

(Hammer clicks)

(Grunts)

(Gasps)

(Audience applauding)

Oh, that's how a real
director works his magic.

[Nick] Thank you.

(Audience applauding)

[Roy] Bravo, bravo!

[Lewis] What's all
this stuff used for?

[Sandra] It's useless.

The cigarette
company gave it to us.

Lewis, come and look at
all these plans and designs

that all these mad
bastards want to...

What's that?

These ought to be cut up.

What would you
know, you spastic?

It looks very busy.

Don't cut that.

Oh, shit!

I'll get a tissue.

Oh, this is hopeless.

Pay attention, everyone.

We're going to be
in show business.

Now stop making those things
and start making our set.

Or else it's back
to shock treatment.

[Errol] You've got to
have the discipline, Julie,

and the treatment will work.

[Man] Sure.

[Lewis] Hello, Ruth.

Doug's already up at the hall,

and cherry's on
her way up there.

I just thought I'd
give it a bit of a sweep

because it is so filthy.

You all right?

My husband just didn't
come and visit me today.

He's a very busy man.

You know, if you
want to cut your wrists,

you should cut up
the veins, not across.

(Gentle music)

Hello, Julie. —hey.

[Man] Lucy!

They were my parents.

(Clears throat)

Why weren't you
at the play yesterday?

Ah, yeah, um, I
had to see my shrink,

talk about my future.

Hm, some future.

You know, my grandmother
ended up like that,

in a place like this.

What, did she go mad?

She went a little mad.

In her mind, she was living
in the year before I was born.

So she thought
that I was my father,

who had married my mother,

who was pregnant with me.

So you pretended
to be your father

about to father yourself.

Oh, god, don't ever tell
a psychiatrist that one.

They'd have a heart attack.

So, in a way,
you're sort of, um,

testing yourself in coming here.

I guess I am.

Casting couch.

You'll see he'll cut our
parts and build up hers.

Oh, what's cosi now, a
one—woman monologue?

(Julie laughing)

Does your
girlfriend play around?

No, no.

The opera's sort of saying

that women can't
be trusted, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I
mean, in a frivolous way.

It's not frivolous.

I don't like men's
double standards.

Men want women to deceive them

because it'll prove their
worst thoughts about women,

and they have a lot of
bad thoughts about women.

And they become so
righteous, you know,

like guglielmo and ferrando.

Everyone out there
is so righteous.

I just wish he'd
give her a good poke!

(Laughing)

[Patients] Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

(Screaming)

(Windows breaking)

[Lewis] Stay back,
stay back, stay back!

(Fire crackling) (Solemn music)

(Steeple crashing)

(Sirens wailing)

(Firefighters shouting)

[Kirner] It's a disaster,
a complete disaster.

[Doug] Hey, fireman,
I knew that wood

would burn real quick.

[Kirner] You're
finished, Mr. Riley.

Doug? He didn't burn it down.

It was Jerry. —it was me!

Can we please,

please, can we rethink this?

I mean, it's very
important to them.

They want to do this.

That's not exactly
true, Mr. Riley.

Roy comes to my office
every afternoon complaining

about your direction and your
obsession with this opera.

And then there's the matter

of your marriage
proposal to cherry.

I can do it without Doug.

You may be able to.

These people cannot.

These people are
damaged, Mr. Riley.

They are not capable
of doing an opera.

They are capable.

The minister for health
does not want them

to be made a laughingstock.

They are going to do
something within their range.

Mr. Kirner, give him a break.

Errol, I am in charge here.

I am the one who has to report

to the minister
for health, not you.

He cannot control
them, Sandra can.

Sandra's gonna do
something within their reach,

a variety show or whatever.

Your services are
no longer required.

[Sandra] I told you so.

I didn't like the look
of him in the first place.

Rather feminine,
don't you think.

Y—y—you mean, w—w—we
won't be doing c—cosi?

I've just been sacked.

I've learned all my lines.

I've learned everyone's.

But I I—like theatre.

See, even if we could do
it, we don't have the space.

I know what we could use.

(Creaking)

They're gonna tear it down.

No one uses it.

[Ruth] It's such a mess.

I'm not cleaning this.

[Cherry] We'll all help, Ruth.

We'd have to do it in secret.

[Julie] We can do that.

[Lewis] I could sneak in.

[Henry] It would be illegal.

It'll be like war, Henry.

We're the goodies.

And kirner and
Sandra are the baddies.

(Chuckling)

With p—p—passwords
and everything?

This is perfect.

I would have preferred
something bigger though.

Oh, what about ferrando?

Seeing as you put our
ferrando in a closed ward.

Roy, he burned down the hall.

I know Doug.

He'll kill you once
he gets out of there.

Ah look on the
bright side, cherry.

For killing an
actor, he'd get life.

For killing a director,
he'll get eternal gratitude.

All right, now, just
listen, everybody.

Now, everybody
understands, don't they?

That you'll be doing two shows?

You'll be rehearsing Sandra's
variety show during the day,

and then at night,
cosi fan tutte secretly.

Oh, my god, I've got it.

Oh, sometimes I'm so...

What's the word?

Mentally ill.

Perspicacious.

It was there right
before my eyes.

You'll play ferrando!

The show lives, cosi lives.

(Upbeat piano music)

That's really good, Lewis.

So now you're acting in it,

you're directing it, and
you're not being paid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, you just had
to be there, Lucy.

(Laughing)

(Gentle music)

(Coughing)

[Cherry] Get up.

(Slapping)

(Gentle music)

(Knocking)

P—password?

Lobotomy.

Well it's very complicated.

[Zac] You have to
have some faith, Lewis,

faith in your fellow man.

[Lewis] Yes, but can you do it?

Of course.

There's a lot of expertise
in this madhouse, you know.

(Opera music)

See, that's where
it needs to be really...

What are you doing?

What's that on your head?

My hair.

Not you, you.

This is our tribute.

Our south American
dance tribute.

To whom?

Carmen Miranda.

Oh.

And when despina
comes to cure the boys,

this is how she does it.

Shock treatment.

Bang!

On goes the machine.

On goes the headset (screaming).

Headset goes on first.

Chicakboom!

Chickaboom!

Woo hoo!

Chickaboom!

(Yelling)

(Upbeat music)

(Ripping)

[Sandra] One, two, three, four.

J“ Monday Monday j“

j“ so good to me j“

[all] Na—na, na—na—na.

J“ Monday, Monday j“

j“ it was all j“

now, cruel woman,
I understand you.

That snake, that monster
and all that's based

in the living desert,

you think I am all of those?

You robbed me of my peace.

(Electrical zapping)

(Gasping)

Oh oh, Doug's back.

Don't be stupid, woman.

They deserved it,
didn't they, Lewis?

The men in cosi.

They test their
girlfriends' fidelity

and look what happens.

Their girls fall for other men.

Lewis!

Where are you?

I've got a cake for you.

[Zac] I like the dark.

[Ruth] Me too.

I once had a man friend who
would put me in a wardrobe

and tie me up so I
wouldn't run away.

Four knots.

Maybe it was three.

[Cherry] Lewis?

[Ruth] He stopped doing it

because he said
he got tired of me.

[Cherry] Nah.

[Ruth] So I cut the
legs off all his trousers

Lewis?

[Zac] Bastard.

He only wanted me for sex.

Men like sex more than women

because they don't have
to clean up the mess.

[Zac] Yeah, but women
are god's punishment

for men playin' with themselves.

I love you, Ruth.

Creep (slapping)!

Come down here.
—where are you, Lewis?

You're too skinny (gasps).

- [Roy] I did it! I fixed it!

[Ruth] Leave me alone!

[Zac] Go ahead, slap me.

(Mysterious music)

Kiss him again and I'll
break your fucking arm.

[Ruth] What are you saying?

Stop it.

[Zac] Stay with me, Ruth.

[Roy] Unbelievable,
disaster, disaster.

I just wish you had've told me.

They were really
keen to meet you.

They wanted to hear about
your work with the patients.

Well, look, I'm sorry.

I told you, we are so
far behind schedule.

Look, I just never see you.

Okay, Nick, come on, let's go.

I thought I'd stay
and give Lucy a hand.

Oh, yeah?

I've been thinking,
Lucy's right about cosi.

I was blaming Emma for too much.

What's this got
to do with anything?

The opera's out of date.

That's very modern of you, Nick.

My point is not about
it being out of date.

No, both of you go!

[Nick] Maybe I can put a
different slant on it, you know?

Make it more now.

I'm really sorry. —go.

Peter Brooks did
something a while back

with the empty space.

You've gotta look at
things in a new light.

(Dog barking)

[Assistant] I hear you
enjoyed your first time.

(Suspenseful music)

Come on, come here.

(Suspenseful music)

I know why you're here, Lewis.

I hope you made out your will.

Your boyfriend won't be
able to help you, Lewis.

You're mine.

(Jovial music)

(Knocking)

Henry.

- T—t—today's p—password?

P—password?

I don't know the password.

(Door creaking)

[Roy] You always
tell the director

the password, you drongo.

[Lewis] All right,
everybody, this is Nick ward.

Now he directed and he
starred in diary of a madman

and he's come here today

to have a look at
what we've been doing

and just give us
some of his opinions.

Maestro.

I'll get you a chair.

Thank you.

[Lewis] All right.

Let's take it from scene two,

which is the scene
where the men have left

pretending to go to war,

and fiordiligi, dorabella
are talking to despina

about how much
they'll miss their lovers.

Let's, Julie?

Without my
guglielmo, I think I'd die.

Without my ferrando,
I think I'll Bury myself.

You might think that no
woman ever died for love.

Die for a man?

Why?

There's a lot more
where they came from.

Let's, let's stop there.

You've gotta move.

You're standing
there like statues.

Here's this woman telling you

to go out and fuck
any men you can.

(Laughs)

And you want to
remain true to your lovers.

Now, an old—fashioned
concept, Grant you,

but you have to
be really pissed off

when despina says there's
more where they came from.

It has to be more
real when you say,

without my guglielmo,
I'd Bury myself.

Now the old girl is so
cynical that you girls,

aflhough protesting your love,

move away while she is

almost whispering in your ear

like some tempter.

Like the very devil himself.

I couldn't have
put it better myself.

Are you listening
to this, Jerry?

[Ruth] Should we
take six or seven steps?

Seven, Ruth.

Believe me, it's
better this way.

What kind of animal are you?

A giraffe.

She's a giraffe.

Oh, ah, the hand gesture.

Such a cliche.

Cut.

From the beginning.

(Clears throat)

Without my
guglielmo, I think I'd die.

Without my ferrando,
I think I'll Bury myself.

You don't think no
woman ever died for love?

Louder!

Die for a man? Why?

There's plenty more
where they came from.

Don't insult those pure men.

They're models of
fidelity and perfect love.

Don't talk nonsense.

You look for fidelity in a man.

Don't make me laugh.

Their tricks are all the same.

Lies, deceptions,
crocodile tears.

All they wanna do is
hop into your pants.

And once they've had their
pleasure, they despise us.

They turn their backs on us.

They become tyrants!

And don't expect
mercy from tyrants.

We women should
pay them back in kind!

I don't agree with what
despina's saying here, of course.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

My vision is coming alive.

(Laughing)

This is such misogynist shit.

Hmm?

The men don't trust the
women, so they trick them.

I mean, the men
are going off to war.

What are the women gonna do?

Well, they're not gonna
hang around like nuns.

I mean, the men could
be away for years.

What's wrong with the women
having the occasional fuck?

Shut up!

Wash y—your mouth out!

[Lewis] Henry.

You've got a f—filthy
mouth and a... f—filthy mind.

You think that women sh—should
betray their, their lovers?

In the context of the
men going off to war,

it isn't betrayal.

They're entitled to their fun.

My father was a soldier.

I've got s—something
to say, Lewis.

Okay.

My father was a
s—soldier and a great man.

My mother waited
for him for years.

And when he returned,
they got married and had me.

She didn't betray him.

That's love.

You're from a
different generation.

Is this what y—you want
this cosi to be about?

Women b—b—betraying their men?

Fuck me — don't swear!

Y—you want these
w—w—women to be whores.

[Lewis] Henry.

Well, he's not going to
make my mother a whore.

Henry, cosi's
not a serious work.

I—I—it's a comedy

where a woman can remain true.

Is that a t—t—t—tragedy?

Oh, come on. —you!

I saw your play.

You know nothing about madness.

That's it.

I'm not gonna put
up with this crap.

Crap?

Why, you...

All right Henry! —lewis!

Henry!

Drop him, Henry!

That's your director.

Henry!

If only your parents had
forced you to do tax law

instead of criminal law,

you wouldn't be such
an emotional mess.

Mr. Ward, you were brilliant!

How about you and
I do cosi fan tutte,

and we get rid of Jerry?

Listen, you wacko.

Not only is the
opera a piece of shit,

but it's way beyond what
any of you people can do.

It'll be a disaster.

And you!

You need all the shock
treatment you can get!

Come on.

Let's go back inside.

You're a failure.

You both are.

(Thunder rumbling)

Why am I a failure, Roy?

You and that idiot
director friend of yours.

What would you both know
about the torments of genius?

That's it, I'm not doing cosi.

But you wanna do it.

Well, it's wonderful.

It's about people, love.

Love?

Music is what love
between humans should be,

and we've thrown out the music.

I had a dream,
Jerry, and it's fading.

You're a failure.

You're even worse than Henry.

(Rain falling) (Thunder rolling)

What was your dream, Roy?

Music.

Colourful costumes.

Joie de vivre.

A world that was
like my childhood.

The tea parties.

The dances in our ballroom.

And my beautiful mother.

She's flirting with the men

and she's waving
her fan so fast,

it was just like a blur.

Mozart was being
played on the piano.

That's the world I wanted
cosi fan tutte to capture.

To recapture.

I wanted it to be beautiful.

It was supposed to
make us forget this place.

Cosi fan tutte's gone.

The music too.

(Crying)

Roy, I think we can have
some of Mozart's music in it.

Do you think so?

Yes.

Just leave it to me, okay?

Can I trust that you're not
gonna let me down again?

Roy.

All right, I'll give
you one more chance.

(Thunder rumbling)

(Suspenseful music)

(Water splashing)

(Suspenseful music)

(Pigs snorting)

(Squealing)

(Gentle music)

Hello, is anyone home?

(Slow piano music)

(Suspenseful music)

(Suspenseful music)

(Grunting)

Hey, it's not the
end of the world!

(Screaming)

I mean, there are
pigs everywhere.

Yeah, I thought this one
might like to be by the fire.

[Lucy] Who are you?

Oh I heard there
was a room for rent.

No there are no
rooms for rent here.

Oh, that's okay,
I'll stay on the couch.

Do you always walk
around the house naked?

It's a sure sign when
there are pigs everywhere

that the apocalypse
is nearly upon us.

That's what me mum said.

- [Nick] Lucy!

Nick, in here.

Hey, how are ya?

Hey, you share with Lewis?

[Nick] Who are you?

And you take turns with Lucy.

I want you out of here.

I saw your
production in the park.

I don't mean to be critical,
but your direction sucks.

I wonder if you could go?

But I just got here.

[Lewis] What are
the lights doing off?

Good evenin'.

(Pig grunts)

How did you escape
from closed ward?

[Lucy] Lewis, who is he?

I found a friend
on the way here.

Lucy said I could stay here.

Lewis, who is this man?

Doug's a patient.

How'd you find this place?

[Doug] Roy told me.

Roy.

Call the police!

I don't want any
advice from you.

Why are you here Doug?

I've come to kill you.

Oh, god! —jesus.

Oh, yes?

And why's that?

You took my part in
cosi, can I have it back?

You can't kid me Lewis!

I know everything that
goes on in that asylum.

What are you looking
at, fuckin' bug eyes?

[Lucy] I want him out of here!

And what I don't
understand, Lewis,

is that you've been
shagging Julie,

and yet your girlfriend's
really attractive...

Stop it, Doug.

It's amazing.

Every fellow in the
hospital wants her.

He's the only one she goes for.

You're screwing
a mental patient?

[Doug] Yeah.

Don't be ridiculous!

I can understand
your inner pain, Lucy.

Julie's a loony and a junkie.

I don't believe it.

And, Nicky, he does
an opera about infidelity,

and he practises
what he preaches.

Lewis! —shut up, everyone!

Just shut up!

Now listen, you,
if I take you back,

you're gonna tell' em
about cosi, aren't you?

Well, pardon me for living.

[Lucy] What the
hell is going on?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll stay here 'til
the show's open.

They won't know I'm here,

and you won't get the blame.

Lewis!

Hey, Lewis.

Hey, we got anything for dinner?

(Pig grunting)

Hey, we could set fire to the
pig here, have roast pork.

(Squeals)

He is stark raving mad!

Hey, let's not
play fast and loose

with categories here, luce.

I'm gonna call the asylum.

N—no, don't call the asylum!

If you call the asylum,
he's gonna tell kirner,

and then they'll stop the play.

Well, fuck the play!

[Doug] Yeah, fuck the play.

Shut up, Doug!

Just shut up!

Oh, great, mate.

Go on, hit a mental patient.

You're losing it, Lewis.

Yeah, I'm with you then, Nick.

See? We're already bonding.

(Gasps)

Hey, meet your new flatmate.

Now we can all share you, luce.

(Pig squealing)

Let go of me arm,
I'm not your boyfriend.

Shut up!

[Doug] Hey, I'm not going
back to the closed ward.

[Lewis] You're gonna go back,

and you're gonna
tell them nothing!

Don't threaten me, wanker!

Lewis! —what?

[Doug] This pig belongs
at the slaughterhouse.

Just shut up and stop here.

(Pig squealing)

God!

You can't make me
do anything, fascist!

(Grunts)

Hey, would you let me go! Hey!

No, I ain't doin' it, mate!

Get off me!

[Lewis] Shut up.

Shut up.

Wait here. —hey!

[Doug] I'm not going back!

I'm a free man!

(Grunting)

Shoo!

Out!

[Doug] Oy, let go of me!

(Pig squealing)

[Lewis] Fuckin' bastard.

[Doug] Hey, Nick! Nick!

Hey! Let go!

Just settle down,
or you'll be staying

in the closed ward for months.

[Doug] Lemme go, ya poofter!

[Lewis] Shut up!

[Man] What's going on here?

Who are you?

Take care of him.

Here, Christ almighty,
will you stop it, Doug!

[Doug] What?

Can you take care
of my mad brother?

I'm not the mad one!

He's the mad one!

Put him in the closed
ward immediately.

He's been indulging
in satanic rituals again.

Come on, Doug.

(Yelling)

He'll struggle and he'll
lie, but pay no attention.

He's a psychopath.

[Lewis] It's not me!

He's the mad one! No! Come on!

Look, I'm Lewis Riley!

I used to work here!

Hey, see ya, Doug!

[Lewis] He's the mad one!

Let go of me!

Thought I might go
home and shag the missus.

[Lewis] I'm not mad!

He's the mad one!

(Lewis shouting)

(All shouting)

(Door slamming)

[Lewis] No no no no!

(Birds chirping)

Comfy, Doug, eh?

Wakey, wakey, son.

Hey!

What's Doug doing
out of closed ward?

Uh, that's Doug in there.

[Assistant] Is your
name Doug, too, then?

(Ahuds)

What happened, son?

[Lewis] Doug came
to my place last night.

(Gentle music)

Maybe I should
call the hospital.

He could be somewhere else.

Oh, look who's here.

Where have you been?

I've been locked
up with the loonies.

Well, I'm not surprised!

[Lewis] Thanks
for stickin' around!

You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

This is out of control, Lewis.

I think you should give it up.

Oh, you want me
to give it up now, eh?

Lewis, a madman was here.

I was in the bath.

Now admit it, anything
could've happened.

But it didn't. —he was fuckin'

throwing matches around!

The guy was a psychopath.

Yeah, you could
be right about that.

Are you drunk or something?

(Chuckles) Lucy...

I'm just lucky
that Nick was here!

When you finally come home,

you just start babbling
about that fucking opera!

You sounded as mad as he is.

In fact, hey, maybe
it runs in the family.

Oh, you are as
compassionate as he is brave.

Thanks for that insight, Lewis.

Yeah, pleasure!

Let me know if there's
anything else I can do for you.

(Opera music)

Bring this up.

Make sure it's tight and secure.

(Fabric ripping)

[Zac] Here is the poster.

Zac, cosi is
supposed to be a secret!

Is this the only one?

Absolutely.

Chop—chop!

[Roy] Lewis!

What's that?

The 02 patients did it.

Is this another one
of your concepts?

[Lewis] Yes, that's my concept.

Why don't you just drive
a stake through my heart?

Lewis, her husband's left her.

Went to Brisbane with his lover.

(Hammering)

(Gentle music)

[Lewis] Are you gonna
cut up the veins or across?

(Gentle music)

(Sobbing loudly)

[Errol] Well, are they
gonna build a new g—ward?

What about the patients?

[Kirner] Halfway
houses and the like.

You should know, errol.

There's a whole new
emphasis on community care.

Halfway houses, community care.

Come on, you mean the
government cuts the cost

and Chucks them on the street.

Errol, errol, don't
make the mistake

of ending upon the
streets with them.

Is that Henry?

Henry?

[Henry] Q—quick.

Henry!

What is going on here?

Errol, do you know
what's going on here?

It's a surprise, Mr. Kirner.

These patients have given
up their TV viewing time

to get the old laundry in
shape for the variety show.

Occupational therapy would
have been a bit crowded

for the minister and his guests.

[Henry] It was going to be
a surprise for you, Mr. Kirner.

Henry, sing a Bee Gees
medley for Mr. Kirner.

Oh.

J“ st—st—stayin' alive j“

j“ st—s—stayin' alive j“

on the night, Henry.

Thank you.

On the night.

Well, whoopee.

Keep up the good work.

(Opera music)

(Lewis singing)

Don't you look great.

But don't you think,

don't you think you might

be a little overdressed
for the show?

I'm not going to the show.

But tonight's the
only night for cosi.

Ah, you don't need me there.

It's your night.

I'm going to the legal aid ball.

What, alone?

No, no, I'm going with Nick.

He's my handbag for the evening.

[Lewis] You're going with Nick?

Are you sleeping with him?

[Lucy] You sound like
something out of a French farce.

Are you sleeping with him?

How dare you, I'm not
even going to answer that.

'Cause you hate the guy.

You think he's
a fool, don't you?

This isn't about him,
it's about you, Lewis.

You've changed.

Yes, I have. —yes, you have.

Because I'm finally
doing something

that's important to me.

You are doing a
stupid, reactionary opera

with a bunch of lunatics!

Don't blame it on the opera!

At least it's about
something important,

like love and fidelity.

Yeah, after bread,
shelter, procreation

and quality health.

Not to mention trust.

[Lewis] Of course.

Comes something like fidelity.

I'm late.

That's what I love
about you lawyers.

You think you can rationalise
anything don't you?

Well, I think we
should have a break.

Yes, well, you
would, wouldn't you?

Well, here, give this to Nick.

It's 50 bucks, hmm?

He'll know what it's for.

(Sighs)

(Bag slams)

(Gentle music)

(Paper rips)

Why not?

Because it's Wagner,
we're doing Mozart.

[Zac] Wimpy,
bloody, fuckin' Mozart!

[Lewis] It's too late
anyway, everything is set.

[Zac] But all I get to do
is turn on the record player.

Zac!

Look what I found, Jerry.

I got all of them, I think.

Would you mind handing out those

to people when they come in?

[Errol] No problem.

Thanks, errol.

I promise I'll be on top of it.

I purposely didn't
take my medication.

All right, Zac!

You can play your Wagner,

in the encore.

Oh, that's just great.

Okay, I want everyone
to come up onstage

and get the feel of it.

See where everything
is and check your props.

Next year we'll do m—m—macbeth.

You you demon!

You've mentioned
the Scottish play.

You have cursed.

Run around the
theatre three times.

Three times?

It's the only way
to break the curse.

Go, or else we're all doomed!

Doomed!

(Moaning)

Gone.

I've lost 'em all.

Lewis! —what?

Lewis! —what?

I've invented my own gesture.

(Panting) I've invented
an original gesture.

(Laughing, panting)

Oh, there's a friend of
yours waiting outside.

What is it, Nick?

What do you want?

[Nick] I came to wish
you the best for tonight.

I thought you might like a hand.

I thought you'd be
at the ball with Lucy.

Henry!

I was.

She asked me about the $50.

(Chuckling) Women, eh?

No sense of humour.

We're both in the shit now.

Here's your money.

I don't want it.

Look, take it.

Women shouldn't
come between mates.

You're not my mate.

Roy's just gone
back to his ward.

He was in some sort of panic.

Lewis, look.

I didn't have sex with Lucy.

I wanted to, I tried.

M—maybe—maybe she's gay.

Henry, what are you doing?

The audience is going
to be arriving soon.

I'm breaking a curse.

Roy's gone back to his ward.

Is it because his parents
are coming or something?

He doesn't have any.

He's never had a family.

His mother put him in an
orphanage when he was born.

He was f—f—fostered
out when he was young,

but nobody liked him'
cause he was t—t—too loony,

so he spent m—most
of his life in institutions.

H—h—his stories are
great, though, eh?

Come on.

Let's, let's, let's spend it.

I mean, we'll buy some drinks,

we'll work on a show together.

We're friends.

You're not my friend,
you're a parasite.

I want you out of the house
before I get home tonight.

Oh, and you're a
shit—ass director.

You don't deserve
Lewis as a friend.

He needs all the
love he can get.

And I'm just the woman
who'll give it to him.

(Grunts)

(Whistling)

(Panfing)

(Clattering)

Roy.

Roy.

Look, I know
you've got stage fright.

No, I haven't.

You're mad.

It's okay.

It's okay, because
I've got it too.

I have not got stage fright.

Well, the cast are waiting, Roy.

I can't remember
my lines, not one.

You must've gone
through this before.

You've never acted before?

I used to be a stage electrician

before I got sick.

I always wanted to be onstage.

Do it without me,
I'll only let you down.

I can't do it without you!

I'll let you all down.

I can't remember
any of my lines!

All right, I'll
whisper them to you.

(Gasps)

(Gentle music)

Roy, do you remember
when you told me

about the world
of your childhood?

The ballroom dancing
and the Mozart.

That was such
a beautiful vision.

It's kept me going.

I didn't like cosi fan
tutte at first, Roy,

but you've taught me to love it.

And I love it with
all of my heart,

because it makes
love the most beautiful

and foolish thing.

And as you and I know, Roy,

there's not a lot of real
love out there in the world.

But the great thing
about being in cosi

is being able to
believe for just two hours

that real love between
people is possible.

You've taught me a lot, Roy.

Everyone will be staring at me.

If they weren't staring
at you, I would be worried.

I suppose you're right in a way.

It's only natural
everyone would be staring

at me all night and not at you.

Absolutely.

I'm back! Ow!

(All chattering)

[Man] Move along.

This is reserved
for the minister.

[Woman] This way.

Don't you look nice.

Did you walk into a door, love?

(Groans)

Sit down.

(Squeaking)

The name's Bernard Goldman,
theatre entrepreneur.

Come on lads, read those lessons

and don't bugger things up.

Come on, hurry up!

Vamoos.

(Door rolling)

The sugar's in the tin.

[Woman] This is
what you're wearing

for the supremes medley?

[Man] Henry's
sweating like a pig, Jerry.

Lewis?

Well, what the fuck is going on?

(Scattered laughs)

(Clears throat)

(Groans)

Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight is very special.

In our audience we have
the minister of health,

and Mr. Kirner, our
wonderful administrator,

and many mentally
impaired people.

Hey, hey!

What you're about to see

is the result...

Zac, get ready with the music.

Okay, everybody, we're going on.

But also on the part
of my wonderful clients

from occupational therapy.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
as they say in show biz,

let's hit it.

(Audience applauding)

(Orchestral music)

Boo! Boo!

Calm down. —coffee!

Coffee!

I know my dorabella
is faithful and true,

and there's nothing
unvirtuous you'd get her to do.

You think fiordiligia
traitor to me?

I know I am right, and
she would constant be.

Excuse me, excuse me.

[Roy] Coffee!

I speak with experience.

I know what I'm saying.

But let's end this argument
y—y—you'll never see.

[Both] We'll not let you tarnish

the names of our sweethearts.

We want you to
give us some proof,

or else off you go.

(Yawns)

You two boys are n—naive.

Women are n—never true.

You will lose your wager.

[Roy] Coffee!

(Gasps)

(Moaning)

(Laughing)

(Groaning)

I see the last detachment

has embarked on the galley

to take the tardy few who dally.

My life. —oh, my own angel!

[Lewis] My love!

[Roy] My darling!

Give me one look to treasure!

[Julie] My darling,
write me often.

No, write me often.

Back to your work, despina.

Oh, yes, no doubt my complying

with I—laughter, I am d—d—dying.

Lewis! Lewis!

You'll sink the boat, despina.

[Julie, Ruth] Farewell, my love!

[Both] Farewell, my love!

[Both] What torture
racks our hearts!

[Lewis, Roy] No, what
torture racks our hearts!

(Roy and Lewis shouting)

(Chorus singing)

(Cheering, whistling)

(Evil cackling)

(Opera music)

I'm totally on
top of the situation.

And then at the
finale, fuckin' bingo!

In my society, dismiss anxiety.

I'm too nervous.

(Woman singing)

How strange his action.

(Woman singing)

Leave apprehension
and give attention to me!

(Opera music)

(Crash) (Screams)

(Upbeat music)

Oh, Jesus.

My blood runs cold.
—I feel faint.

Oh holy mother, I am weak.

Okay, let's hit it.

(Yells)

(Chorus singing)

(Grunts)

They are stupefied!

What do we say?

[Cherry] Clumsy
junkie, I'll get it.

I cannot bear this torment.

This is the man who deceived us.

W—where's my music?

[Julie] Where's Zac?

Somebody faint, Henry, faint.

I'll g—get my c—costume dirty.

(Groaning)

Oh! Oh!

Ferrando!

Oh! Oh!

Keep going, keep going.

You see what your infidelity...

Oh, magic, yeah.
—has done to me?

Pass them along,

pass them along.

Light them up.

Come on, everybody.

[Cherry] Do something.

[Roy] Sing, Henry, sing.

[Henry] J—j—julie.

(Audience murmuring)

[Doug] Can you pass one?

Be careful.

J“ when the night j“

j“ has come j“

j“ and the land is dark j“

j“ and the moon j“

j“ is the only j“

j“ light we'll see j“

j“ no, I won't be afraid j“

j“ no, I won't be afraid j“

j“ just as long j“

j“ as you'll stand j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ so, darlin', darlin' j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ oh, stand by me j“

j“ if the sky we look upon j“

j“ should tumble and fall j“

j“ or the mountains j“

j“ should crumble to the sea j“

j“ I won't cry j“

j“ I won't cry j“

j“ no, I won't j“

j“ shed a tear j“

j“ just as long
as you'll stand j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ so, darlin', darlin' j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ oh stand by me j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ stand by me j“

j“ stand by me j“

(audience applauding)

(Opera music)

(Singing in foreign language)

(Screaming)

(All gasping)

(Opera music)

(Confetti exploding)

(Cheering, whistling)

(Audience applauding)

(Opera music)

Later, later.

Sorry.

Through here, minister.

(Chattering)

Lewis, Lewis.

Congratulations,
congratulations, it was wonderful.

I'm sure once you
get out of here,

you can easily get
a job in the theatre.

Lewis, uh, this is Bernie.

That was brilliant! Brilliant!

I want to tour it.

It's going to be a hit.

I haven't seen anything
like it since south pacific.

I'm going to give
you an advance.

In fact, I brought my
chequebook with me.

I guess some of
my advice rubbed off.

Bernie, back to your ward.

What about the
rights to the show?

[Assistant] Back
to your ward, Bernie.

Hey, everybody
said it was f—f—fantastic.

[Lweis] It was fantastic, yeah.

Jerry!

Yes, you did
it, Roy, you did it.

Lewis, here's a love letter.

There'll be plenty more
where that came from

because Doug gave
me your address, ha!

(Soft piano music)

Jerry, my boy, I
got a present for ya.

Oh, Roy.

You got a few teething
problems with your direction.

I made out a list of 'em.

I know you can take criticism,

because you
must get a lot of it.

Thank you, Roy.

Next year, Jerry, a
greater triumph awaits us.

The Don! —the Don?

Don Giovanni.

It's time for me to go beyond
these ensemble pieces.

It's time for a lead role!

Humility can limit ya. —yes.

I was once a lady—killer
in my day, Jerry.

Literally.

(Laughing)

(Soft music)

(Sniffles)

[Ruth] We should've been back

in our wards 47 minutes ago.

(Gentle music)

(Thunder rumbling)

(Gentle music)

(Gentle music)

[Roy] Of course, after
tonight I'll have to consider

very carefully whether
you can handle a major part.

I made a list of all
your faux pas tonight.

(Grunts)

(Laughs)

Henry.

Henry!

I thought your
direction was lousy

until I saw your acting.

Hey, Doug, go burn a cat.

Who writes your
dialogue? Oscar wilde?

Gonna burn down
the old laundry next.

My motto is to
try and try again.

'Cause my mother instilled in
me a protestant work ethic.

I'll give you some
friendly advice, Lewis!

Don't ever, ever get a cat!

Lewis?

Kirnerjust told me that
I'm gonna leave this place.

I'm a bit scared.

Isn't that what you wanted?

There are a lot of
temptations out there.

Well, I could
help you, if you like.

Out there I'm a real handful.

Can I see you before you go?

I'd like that.

(Gentle music)

Bastards!

Who do they think they are?

Think they're gonna
get a Mozart finale.

(Gentle music)

Let's kick some ass!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've all

been wishing for.

Wagner!

(Accordion music)

("Ride of the valkyries")

("Don't dream it's over")

J“ there is freedom within j“

j“ there is freedom without j“

j“ try to catch the
deluge in a paper cup j“

j“ there's a battle ahead j“

j“ many battles are lost j“

j“ but you'll never see
the end of the road j“

j“ while you're
travelling with me j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't dream it's over j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ when the world comes in j“

j“ they come, they come j“

j“ to build a wall between us j“

j“ you know they won't win j“

j“ now I'm towing my car j“

j“ there's a hole in the roof j“

j“ my possessions are
causing me suspicion j“

j“ but there's no proof j“

j“ in the paper today j“

j“ tales of war and of waste j“

j“ but you turn right
over to the TV page j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't dream it's over j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ when the world comes in j“

j“ they come, they come j“

j“ to build a wall between us j“

j“ you know they won't win j“

J“ now I'm walking again j“

j“ to a beat of the drum j“

j“ and I'm counting the steps j“

j“ to the door of your heart j“

j“ only the shadows ahead j“

j“ barely clearing the roof j“

j“ get to know the feeling
of liberation and release j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't dream it's over j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ when the world comes in j“

j“ they come, they come j“

j“ to build a wall between us j“

j“ you know they won't win j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ don't let them win j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“

j“ yeah j“

j“ hey, now hey, now j“