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300 cubits long, by 50 cubits wide, by 30 cubits high...

higher than Mr Brittas' office.

With three decks and stairs so the animals can go two by two,

to spend a penny and be sick.

Do they have pennies on the Ark?

And I've worked out a seating plan, mammals over there,

reptiles up the front, fish along here

with the sharks separated from the nice fish of course.

You don't need to put fish on the Ark,

they can stay in the sea!

Eh?

What's a flood to a fish? It's more room to swim around in.

Julie! You have a brain!

I can see why that young man of yours wants to marry you!

Oh him, yeah.

The fish can stay in the sea.

I don't have to have the whales on board,

there'll be more room,

the chickens can be free range.

Two minutes from now, you'll be a minute late for work!

Yeah and in three months' time, some people have spent

thirty eight years being thick as a brick!

Thank you Julie.

And it's thirty seven!

Mr Brittas, as you know I've been helping Linda's bible class

with their project about Noah's Ark.

Now I've laid out the dimensions so that the children can see

-how big it was... -Colin!

but with your permission

I would like to launch a small scale model I have made of the

-Ark in the pool. -Colin!

I've filled out all the forms Mr Brittas, in topciplicate.

Colin..? What do you see before you?

I see you Mr Brittas!

God's gift to the leisure industry.

Colin, I can see a whole load of old rubbish over there!

Supermarket trolleys, car wheels, bicycle tyres...

we had the travellers in here last night, hundreds of them.

Did we? Now that explains why there was all that underwear on

the rose bushes this morning!

Left in a hurry did they?

They certainly did, when I threw them out!

Get it cleared up please.

Oh you're not looking at that one of me in my beach pyjamas

and my sunburnt nose, I look awful, throw it away!

No, no, you look lovely!

Do I? Oh, it's not even my good side!

The other side is my good side look!

If you hold it up to the light you can see my good side.

Welcome to the Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre,

how may I help you?

-It's me Carole. -Oh sorry Mrs Brittas!

I'm free now aren't I?

Yes, there's no-one in for counselling today.

Good. Carole, my last client when he left...

did he walk all hunched up, head down, jabbering to himself?

Yes Mrs Brittas.

Good! Good he's getting better!

Funny thing about the twins Carole...

Oh I know, it's the flash that frightened them, but look, you

can see their little eyes from underneath the sofa and actually

their eyes... their eyes are blue not red.

No, not that one, this one of them in profile...

they remind me of someone.

Oh do they really? Royalty perhaps? Or Cliff Richard?

Well no, although oddly enough, they look like Mr Brittas.

Mr Brittas!

They don't look like Mr Brittas, what a stupid thing to say.

I'm sorry, but they do they look like Mr Brittas.

No they don't they haven't even got blazers on!

How dare you!

Sorry but they do look like Mr...

They do not look like Mr Brittas. My twins have beautiful

round faces, Mr Brittas has a great big craggy sort of face.

Morning Carole!

Mr Brittas, I was talking about another Mr Brittas,

a Mr Brittas with a great big craggy sort of face.

Carole are you planning a nervous collapse?

There's a procedure for that sort of thing.

Good news from the pool, the urine content is down to 9% .

Good man Gavin, meeting in ten minutes please.

Mr Brittas, just before you go Mr Brittas, could I...

see your profile ... could you turn to the side Mr Brittas?

Carole, I'm a very busy man.

I don't have time to turn me head to one side!

Cockroach Mr Brittas. SCREAM

Oh it's true!

It's not true there is no cockroach Carole,

this is a cockroach free zone, you're seeing things again.

It's a nightmare, it's the end of the world.

It's just stupid newspaper talk cos of the millenium.

Cockroaches taking over, global warming, sea levels rising.

It would take a pretty high tide to reach here Carole.

How am I going to live with myself?

Carole you don't have to live with yourself,

you've got Ben and just look at those lovely twins,

their father must be a very proud man, whoever he is.

Heads I marry him, tails I don't...

...Best of three.

Heads I marry him, tails I don't...

Best of five

BRITTAS: Julie!

I'm busy, I'm planning my life.

BRITTAS: Come in here with your notepad and pencil please.

What now?

Right Julie take a note please.

I'm afraid Carole is having some sort of nervous collapse,

she's to have counselling sessions with Mrs Brittas.

Isn't that a bit like taking coals to Newcastle?!

Deduct it from her wages please.

Right Julie! What is today?

The 22nd Julie. It is seven years to the day since we opened

this centre and I took the reins of

what has become a leading player in the leisure centre industry.

Julie!

See those two flies on the window? If the one on the right

gets to the top first, I'll marry him.

Julie ...

Oh he's buzzed off I'll take that as a no! What?

Look you've spent weeks trying to make up your mind Julie,

why don't you just marry the man?

How can I marry a man I can't stand?

Treat it as a challenge Julie, many women do.

Lucky for you they do!

I was locking up and there they were all over the car park..

...gypsies!

So, I phoned Mr Brittas at home and he was in the middle of

making a kedgeree for some people who he'd got coming to

dinner, but he came straight round and he was amazing!

He just turned them out by sheer force of personality.

You mean he bored them to death until they left.

But then this old gypsy woman stepped forward,

like Mother Teresa with a moustache,

she pointed two fingers at him like that

Oh please!

She put a curse on him. The guest who eats food from your

hand shall die like a dog in a ditch.

The guest who eats food from ...

hey, what if he eats a sandwich he made himself?

There's every chance he'll die like a dog in a ditch.

I like it!

I don't believe in curses of course!

Morning all or should I say Happy Birthday.

In you come Julie!

Da, da!

Congratulations to us all on seven glorious years here at

Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre. It is seven years to the day

since the first member of public came through

those hallowed portals.

And you threw him out Mr Brittas.

He was wearing unauthorised water wings Gavin!

Attention to detail is my middle name. Come on Linda,

blow the candles out please.

Right now, make a wish.

I wish ...

You wish we could all work here forever as a happy team,

quite right Linda. Right now, slice of cake anyone?

Oh lovely!

Right, let me hand it to you personally!

-What? -I made it myself!

- You made it? - I did, be my guest.

Guest! Well perhaps not, got a tummy upset actually Mr Brittas.

Linda, come on made with my own fair hand.

Could I have mine later, I had a big breakfast.

Anyone would think it was poisonous. Tim?

Erm, I'm allergic... to candles!

I'll have a slice.

But you're slimming Julie.

I am not, I lost weight having the baby!

EXPLOSION

What was that?

What's that smell!

I'm sorry I'm late Mr Brittas.

Don't worry about the explosions

I discovered a nasty build up of methane gas in the stench pipe.

But I've been down there, rigged up a pilot light

and there will controlled detonations throughout the day.

Well Colin, just this once, top management approves your action.

Thank you very much Mr Brittas.

I've also taken the precaution of putting these little birds

around the place, to test for foul air.

We're celebrating seven years of Whitbury, we're having cake.

Thank you very much Mr Brittas.

Don't touch it! Not in those gloves I mean.

Point taken Linda ...I'll take it and put it in my pocket and I'll

enjoy it later after I've thrown out the main sludge build up.

Well I must say, I'm a bit disappointed

as any cook would be... nobody having my cake.

Mr Brittas, you're eating cake.

That's right Linda. Never seen a man eating cake before?

What you all staring at?

Naaah .....

you've been telling them about the gypsy curse haven't you?

Erm, we don't believe it Mr Brittas.

You were worried I was going die, well I haven't.

It's early days yet Mr Brittas!

The question I've always wanted to know the answer to is...

why did I say yes to going out with Gordon in the first place?

You're a yes sort of person, you're the sort of person that

say's yes! You always will be.

Always, you mean I can't change? Well what's the point in all

this then? Thirty quid an hour and you can't change people?

It's a racket, it's daylight robbery!

Just practising, staff training.

Is another client waiting for me?

Yes it's me, I put my name down in the book,

I've come to talk about my twins and their father.

Oh Carole, you're not still trying to find him are you?

He could be anyone, anywhere.

The twins are three now, do remember three years and

exactly nine months ago,

we all went to a New Years fancy dress party at Julie's...

And Colin won first prize as Fungus The Bogeyman

and he wasn't even dressed up!

I went up to the bedroom to get a tissue from my coat!

it was dark, a man came in, he said nothing.

He was very tender, romantic and loving,

And I've never regretted a moment of it Mrs Brittas.

Nor should you, it was a beautiful thing.

I think it might have been Mr Brittas, Mrs Brittas.

Gordon! My Gordon? Oh Carole surely not.

He was dressed as King Kong Mrs Brittas!

What was Mr Brittas dressed as?

Well ... King Kong ... as it happens, but

Gordon wasn't the only gorilla, like there were several tigers.

No there were only two tigers.

I was dressed as a tiger and you were dressed as a tiger.

I now realise that he thought I was you.

Oh Carole, I'm sure you're imagining things.

He wasn't tender, loving and romantic with me Mrs Brittas,

he thought he was making love to you!

I'm sure you're wrong. I saw him in the garden

talking to a pillar box.

Nine months later I had twins Mrs Brittas.

You've had twins, Mr Brittas is a twin. Twins run in the family

... now look at my twins Mrs Brittas. Look at their profiles.

I've been dreading this moment Carole

I've always suspected that it might be Gordon too!

I didn't mean to steal your husband Mrs Brittas.

I know you didn't Carole.

It was just one of those gorillas that pass in the night

I thought the gorilla loved me

for myself, but he didn't he loved you.

Which means nobody loves me Mrs Brittas!

I love you Carole, even though you're the other woman!

He has to be told you know.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yes ... what?

Oh Beryl, yes I'm so glad you could come to

dinner last night too

What? A bit of a crisis? Oh, have you ... Harold,

what you mean he's ill?

He's dead! He can't be dead. The kedgeree?

Well Gordon made it, of course he washes his hands,

Gordon's very careful, he doesn't make silly mistakes,

Gordon always knows what he's doing.

CRIES

Well mostly he does!

Gavin, I've made a decision about this cake,

we'll flog it to the public, 50p a slice.

Is that really wise Mr Brittas?

Gavin there is nothing wrong with this cake ... gypsy curse,

she had a mobile phone.

No, no, not the goldfish!

All that curse nonsense is in the mind Gavin, and old Goldie

here doesn't have a mind, he lucky. Look at him, he loves it.

EXPLOSION

Ah, got to talk to Colin, should be here in three minutes time.

I'm sorry I'm early Mr Brittas. The children are

here for the launching.

Colin, you're not putting live animals from children's corner

on that Ark are you?

I don't want them moving their bowels in the pool.

No Mr Brittas, the children are putting their little

toy animals on the Ark two by two.

EXPLOSION

I want a written report about this marsh gas problem please.

It's caused by a mass of impacted excrete Mr Brittas!

In the U-bend!

Have it on my desk by midday please.

Wilco Mr Brittas, I'll wrap it in newspaper.

I think he meant the report Colin!

Hey, this canary's dead.

Marsh gas, the air's not fit to breathe!

Everyone stop breathing!

No it's not to do with air,

it's those cake crumbs you gave it off the floor!

Mr Brittas' cake is above suspicion.

Oh really! Goldie only had two or three crumbs!

I suppose my husband's in his office

You alright Mrs Brittas?

I'm in a state of shock.

In fact I'm in two states of shock at the same time.

I'm sorry.

Hello twinnies, just looking at you

Mrs Brittas, we have a major problem with Mr Brittas.

We may have to restrain him.

It's a bit late for that.

BABIES CRYING

Who's toy can be Mr Noah?

-Batman. -Yeah, Batman's the nearest!

He's got a cloak to keep out of the rain.

And Mrs Noah can be ... Sindy, yep!

We've got two teddies and one My Little Pony from Laura.

- LINDA: There's Uncle Colin. - Hello children.

Hello Uncle Colin.

This is serious Colin, what are we going to do?

One thing at a time Gavin.

Should we do the launching down at this end Uncle Colin?

No I think we'll do it down at this end Aunty Linda

and I'll tell you why. So that we can slide the Ark

down the slide and it'll go whoosh into the water,

like a lifeboat being launched.

Right, round you come.

EXPLOSION

Ooh, there's the thunder

It's going to rain for forty days and forty nights.

Not really, not real rain.

Upstairs ... at Julie's party? I thought it was you!

Well it wasn't, it was Carole. I was downstairs washing up

plastic cups because they'd run out, making myself useful.

But it was you on those coats, I recognised you,

the stripes on your flank.

Carole's costume came from the same shop.

But they were your whiskers, they tickled!

They were Carole's whiskers Gordon, it was Carole.

But you led me on, you swished your tail.

It was Carole who swished her tail. Is that all it takes to

make you beat your chest?

I beat my chest did I?

She said you did.

If only I'd gone as the tin man this wouldn't have happened.

Now the rain is coming down, and it's filled the whole pool.

It's time to launch the Ark Uncle Colin.

Bye teddies, bye Batman, bye Sindy... bye ...

I name this ship Noah's Ark.

God bless her and all who sail in her.

Maybe I should have shut the portholes.

So, that's five children you've got including

Carole's two and our three

We've got four children Helen.

Alright, making six. And then there's Ben to think about.

I wish I was dead

Oh that reminds me, did you wash your hands

before you made the kedgeree last night?

MRS BRITTAS: Because one of our dinner guests isn't

very well, Harold ... he's ... not well at all.

In fact he's dead!

Dead!

Go away I'm busy!

You're not doing anything!

Yes I am, I'm listening to what's going on in there.

Now that's not right Julie, there is such a

thing as executive privacy.

What is going on in there?

Mind your own business! What do you want?

I've got an appointment with him at 1 1 o'clock.

Councillor whatsit's here!

Tell him to wait.

There was nothing wrong with that kedgeree.

I washed the rice myself.

Well you managed to kill your best friend.

This is not a very good morning for me Helen.

It's only 1 1 o'clock.

Harold wasn't just my best friend, he was my only friend.

Why don't you count Carole then?

I told you Helen, at that moment I was worshipping

you with my body.

Well you missed!

There's bound to be a post mortem

-On Carole? -On Harold!

This is a nightmare.

JULIE: I'm sending Councillor Druggitt in ... he's in my way.

I'd better get back to Carole, try and repair your damage.

Helen, look I'm right behind you.

From now on, I want you to stay right in front of me

where I can see what you're doing!

Gordon! Congratulations! Seven glorious years.

I'm sorry counsellor, I've just had two bits of bad news.

Well it's good news now Gordon.

We're giving you early retirement!

Early retirement?

That's right, end of the month off you go to the golf course.

Early retirement? I'm a young man Jack!

Ah, that's the beauty of it, you'll get forty

or fifty years of retirement.

We drew lots; your name came out of the hat

Well budgets being what they are, someone had to go!

All the names went in, mine included and ... out came yours.

You lucky man!

This has not been a very good morning for me Jack

and it's only two minutes past eleven.

Here's your coffee. What a morning!

Wonderful. Oh, biscuits... yes I'll have a biscuit.

Mr Brittas made those, there's some sort of curse on them.

Biscuit making... grand retirement hobby!

Good old Gordon. Can I have two?

Be my guest.

Birth, death, early retirement what else is there?

What's your trouble Gordon?

It's like I'm having a terrible dream,

only I know I'm not dreaming, I've still got my trousers on.

Nonsense, today is the first day of the rest of your life...

...and mine. By the way, these are delicious!

If you could just sign there, there and there for your pension

and oh yes, I hope you don't mind, but I've

got to take the nameplate off your door.

They want to put it on the golf trolley they're giving you.

Oh! What a giveaway!

I don't think he deserves this.

There'll be some changes here. If you want to keep your job...

Oh ... oh dear my stomach, oh my head ... my, my heart.

Oh it's all self with you! Isn't it, me, me, me!

It's him that's got the problem and me!

Do you think I should get married?

Er, could I have a glass of water?

You don't need a glass of water, just say yes or no.

Well they do say these things come in threes Helen.

Early retirement of course means we'll have more time to spend

with the children and more children to spend time with.

Of course, I'll be able to attend Harold's funeral,

so not everything's gloomy.

- Mr Brittas! - Hang on a second. What?

- It's Councillor Druggitt. - What about him?

- He's dead! - Of course he's not dead.

He's sat in there as stiff as a ramrod with his eyes closed

Well maybe he's just dropped off!

That's right, he's just dropped off his perch!

Mr Brittas would never kill anyone,

especially not a Councillor.

He has too much respect for local government.

Colin, the facts are staring you in the face. Druggitt ate the

biscuit, he's dead and Brittas' guest ate the kedgeree and he's

dead, the goldfish and the canary,

they ate the cake crumbs and they're dead!

Marsh gas is very strange stuff Gavin. It builds up,

it forms pockets.

You can't be telling me that marsh gas made pockets

in the kedgeree last night.

I wouldn't put it past it!

It's marsh gas that's causing the greenhouse effect.

The sea level's rising, the level in the pool's rising.

And look at that cup of tea ... I've been sipping at that all

day and it's still full!

That pipe's dripping Colin.

I thought it had a funny taste!

Colin, Brittas is killing people!

Killing people who accept food from him!

tomorrow's the start of Whitbury senior citizen week

we're doing the Darby and Joan tea party,

Brittas is making the pilchard sandwiches, it'll be a massacre!

HISSING

My word, look at that!

the build up of pressure in the toilet is almost

out of control, this could be the big one!

We could pebble dash five counties!

Colin, I'm talking mass murder here!

So am I!

I'm gonna have to get greased up and crawl down that stench pipe.

Wish me luck.

I'm talking to a lavatory wall.

A fine man and a great Councillor, deeply missed...

Still, it's an ill wind, when you think about it

it's Councillor Druggitt that's taken early retirement.

Please Julie, no flippancy at this very sad juncture.

No, he's gone and you won't have to!

That ... is a very good point Julie. Things are looking up!

I won't need this anymore that's for sure.

Is that my cake?

Someone's thrown my cake away Julie. I baked that cake with

my own hands, with the finest ingredients, what happens?

Someone chucks it away. At least the birds can have it.

Oh are you sure?

Don't you think we'll get a lot of dead birds on our hands?

Naaah ... a lot of mumbo-jumbo, in fact it's jumbo mumbo-jumbo!

Naaah.

You know what? If an even number of birds falls out of the sky,

I'll marry him.

Carole...

I don't really know what to say Carole.

It's not like you Mr Brittas.

I think from now on you should call me Gordon.

Thank you ... Gordon.

Perhaps you'd like to call me ... Tigger!

I don't think so Carole,

that's what I call Mrs Brittas.

About Julie's party Carole; I'm afraid I'd had a drink,

I'd had several units of fruit cup.

-Look ... I just wanna say... -No, please don't Mr Brittas!

those caresses were meant for somebody else

Mr Brittas, they were meant for Mrs Brittas, Mr Brittas.

I meant those caresses at the time Carole,

whoever was on the receiving end.

Thank you Mr Brittas.

I suppose I'm a surrogate mother Mr Brittas.

And a very wonderful surrogate mother Carole.

Are my surrogate children in?

I've just sent the children ... our children to playschool.

I gave them banana sandwiches, I hope that meets your approval?

-On brown bread I trust? -Of course, Mr Brittas!

One more thing, have you told our children who their dad is?

No, I thought I'd wait 'til they're forty and sitting down.

Quite right Carole, they can call me Uncle Gordon until then.

Oh by the way, I plan on buying them each a premium bond.

Oh, how very generous Mr Brittas.

Ah look who it is, Mrs Brittas!

Well, I think the one thing that's definite is that we

should all stick together for the sake of the children.

Yes. I've just got to go to the office.

I'll see you later my darling!

BOTH: Alright darling.

Yes, I know you fought in the war,

so you know how to make your own sandwiches.

We had to come in the back way,

the place is full of dead birds out there.

We didn't find the gypsies, not even on the bypass.

Right, so we can't get the gypsies to lift the curse,

so we've got to find some other way of getting

Brittas out of harm's way.

Maroon him on a desert island, except

without any Shakespeare, a Bible or any records.

EXPLOSION

Pop him in that space under the swimming pool ...

Where the stench pipe starts, yes!

He's not gonna go down there without a fight.

Well we'll reason with him, he's a reasonable man.

Colin, I'm sorry, you'll just have to deal with it yourself,

I'm facing a mutiny here. Bye.

Gavin, I am the captain of this ship ...

Oh come on Mr Brittas, you know it makes sense. Do you want to

go down in history as a mass murderer?

Look, I'm not going into any space under any pool.

It's for the good of Whitbury Mr Brittas.

EXPLOSION

I'm sorry Mr Brittas, but if you won't go quietly then I am

taking command of this leisure centre. Is this your ruler?

- Yes! - Your command is at an end!

- Linda... citizens arrest. - You're nicked Brittas!

No I am not!

Mr Brittas.

What is it Julie, I'm busy?

The police have come about your kedgeree.

They want to see you outside.

Sorry to say this, we have to evacuate the building.

Colin, we practice evacuating the building

at 1 1 o'clock on Tuesdays.

People of Whitbury set their watches by it.

This isn't practice Mr Brittas, this is the real thing

She's about to blow! You have thirty seconds.

Right, I'm resuming command, this is an official crisis.

- Yeah, when isn't it?! - Ring the police.

The police are here.

Clear the building! Linda get the public out please.

There aren't any.

There was only one all day and you threw him out.

Oh well done, you threw out the first punter and the last.

Well he was petting in the pool.

Out of the centre please.

Right as soon as the centre goes up

I want all these dead birds disposed of.

Watch out that goose is heading straight for us!

Not now Helen ... or is it Carole?

It's the hearth rug Mr Brittas.

You're alright now Mr Brittas we're on my Ark,

I've been secretly building it in the car park.

We're afloat, we're safe.

What... in the pool you mean?

On the ocean Mr Brittas.

Hello Gordon, we're your wives,

you can be everyone's father now.

We've got to repopulate the world.

We've drawn up a roster.

Wh ... where's my blazer? What's this dressing gown thing?

I've got to go Mr Noah

we've got a build up of droppings in the bilge

That's the good news ... the bad news is the woodworm have

escaped, they're breeding like flies and they're starving.

-Abandon ship! -To the lifeboats!

-Women and children first. -Tickets please, tickets please!

What do you mean tickets?

CONDUCTOR: Tickets please!

Oh Gordon, wake up!

Where am I?

Bellsley Junction, ten minutes to Whitbury, tickets please!

Last chance for a cup of coffee if you want one.

- I'll have a flapjack - Cup of tea please.

Helen, I've just had this amazing dream,

with all these people in it.

You fell asleep right in the middle of me talking to you

I hope you don't do that at your interview, you're

never gonna get this Whitbury job if you don't concentrate.

Excuse me please.

HELEN: Now they're bound to ask you this one, they always do ...

why do you want the job as Manager of

Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre?

Why do I want the job?

I want the job Helen because ... because

I have a dream!

TITLE MUSIC