Original subtitles

Come in.

Everything alright, Mr. Brittas?

I'm rather busy at the moment, Gavin, is it important?

You said we had a management meeting, 10 o'clock.

I've had to postpone that I'm afraid,

I shall be tied up most of the day with these life management counselling sessions.

Oh, right.

Er, Gavin, could I trouble you to get the intercom, please?

Intercom? -Over by the window.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

There we are.

Julie, can we have a cup of tea for Suzie, please.

And one of the yellow pills, I think.

Just one sugar?

She'll take it just as it comes.

Gavin, Carole's next. Tell her to come straight up,

but ensure someone suitable takes over at the desk.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

You sure there's nothing...

No!

No, right.

We exchange ideas in this Centre,

we do not bite.

There's a good little girl.

Now you have a nice sleep. Mummy see you later.

Oh, Colin, how kind!

It's this one here. -Sorry?

It seems to be getting stuck at the top, and I have to bang it shut,

and it tends to disturb little Jessica when she's trying to sleep.

I was gonna mend that drawer for you, wasn't I, Carole?

I thought that's why you had the toolbox.

Oh no, this isn't my toolbox. This is dog business.

Sorry?

First job of the morning, there I am out on that field,

collecting all the little messages that have been left since last night.

Oh!

Though some of the messages aren't so little, let me tell you.

Just feel the weight of that.

Goodness!

I used to collect them up in a couple of polythene bags

but Mr. Brittas said not everybody wants to see

that sort of a thing carried through the canteen.

No.

So now I use this.

Looks a lot more official, don't you think?

Don't worry, I'll be back to mend that drawer

just as soon as I've got rid of this lot downstairs.

Carole, Mr. Brittas is ready to see you now.

Oh, goodness, already?

Yes, don't worry, I'll get someone to take over Reception for you.

Any problems?

No, I don't think so.

Jessica's asleep. Jack and Ben are playing in the cupboard.

Oh, could you tell whoever comes to put some of this on Jessica's spots

if she starts scratching. -What!

She's not over the chickenpox, poor little thing.

Hello, hello?

Now, the buns are due out of the oven at 20-past,

oven gloves in the lost property drawer.

And if you could put them to cool on this.

Oh, I almost forgot.

If I'm not back by the time the TV repairman calls,

could you tell him it's the horizontal hold on Ben's television?

You don't know what Mr. Brittas wants to see me for, do you Gavin?

Perhaps he thinks you need some help back here, Carole, like an au pair.

Oh, yes, well that'll be marve... Gavin!!!

Tim, could you man Reception for me until Carole gets back, please?

Me?

Yeah, she's had to go up and see Brittas, okay?

Oh, does it have to be me?

Well, you're not doing anything.

Since when is reading a book been not doing anything?

Tim, could you just get out there, please.

Oh, of course it's today, isn't it?

What?

He decides whether you get to be full deputy manager, doesn't he?

Tim, Mr. Brittas has asked me to ensure that somebody...

You don't even know you're doing it, do you?

Doing what? -"Mr. Brittas has asked me to ensure."

Tim are you gonna get out there or not?

Now let me see, the choice is either rushing

around to make you look good in front of Brittas,

or frittering away another 10 minutes with Princess Di.

I think I'll stick with the book.

Well, thank you.

Linda?

Yes, Gav?

Why are you manning the desk?

Well, Laura was a bit worried 'cause there was no one here, so she asked me to do it.

Is anything wrong?

No, it's just that Mr. Brittas asked me

to look into that particular problem. -Well, I'll go if you like.

No, no, it's not important.

If we all go around duplicating each other's jobs

it does make one wonder what the point of having a management structure is.

Yes.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Brittas?

Sit down please, Carole.

Oh, thank you.

I'll just put this here on your desk.

Jessica's still a little bit poorly, you know, and...

Sorry!

Now, Carole, I have here the results

of the compulsory staff urine test for drugs.

It's alright, darling, Mummy's here.

See you soon, go back to sleep.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas, you were saying?

I was saying, Carole, that I have here the results

of the compulsory staff urine test for drugs.

Oh, yes.

And they reveal that once again you are pregnant.

Julie, can we have another cup of tea for Carole, please.

And some more of the yellow pills.

Right you are.

Where am I? -You're in my office, Carole.

I've just informed you that you're pregnant.

Get with it, Carole.

Pregnant, but I can't be.

I seem to remember that's what you said last time, Carole.

I take it you don't know who the father is.

You don't understand, Mr. Brittas,

I can't be pregnant because I haven't...

I know I haven't. I'd remember.

We've been here before, haven't we, Carole?

Yes, but I knew something had happened last time, Mr. Brittas.

This time, honestly, I can't remember anything.

My wife assures me that can sometimes be the case.

Let's see if we can refresh your memory, shall we?

Now your last staff urine test,

which showed you as normal was on the 17th of last month.

This one was 10 days ago, which means that whatever happened

happened over the Easter period.

Were you doing anything unusual over Easter?

No!

No, I was staying with a friend.

Yes!?

Well he isn't anyone who...

I mean, we only...

It was a male friend, was it?

Yes, as I said...

Oh goodness!

Yes!?

I've just thought, I was unconscious, for a good deal of the time.

How long exactly, Carole?

I think the ambulance people thought about three days.

Ah ha!

Here we are!

Thank you, Julie.

Oh, and would you like some biscuits?

Biscuits?

I got some this morning, in case. -Thank you Julie. That would be very nice.

Julie. -Yeah?

Everything alright, is it?

Yeah, fine. Why do you ask?

It's just you seem rather...

Never mind.

Now, Carole, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Who was this man you were unconscious with over Easter?

Oh, Laura, there you are.

Morning, Helen, coffee?

Do you know where I can find Suzie? -I think she's gone home.

Already?

Yes, unfortunately she got involved in another fight.

Mr. Brittas had to call her brother from the dog handling unit.

Took her away in his van.

You don't happen to know what set her off this time, do you?

Well, I think it started when Mr. Brittas told her she was pregnant.

Oh god I knew it.

What's the matter?

It wasn't her sample, Laura.

What?

The urine test. It wasn't her sample, it was mine.

Yours? How?

I know I shouldn't have done it, but she was worried those bodybuilding drugs

would show up in her test, so I just did it for her.

So she's not pregnant, but...

Well, congratulations!

Thanks.

Mr. Brittas will be pleased.

He's always saying how much he'd like another child.

Maybe it'll be twins again.

Laura, please!

You don't think there could've been some sort of mistake, do you?

At the lab? It's possible.

I'll go and tell Gordon to check.

Colin!

You're saying the father of your child is Colin?

I didn't know it was him, Mr. Brittas, as I said,

I was unconscious for a good deal of the time.

Jessica, Mummy's rather busy at the moment.

You'll just have to wait.

What am I gonna do, Mr. Brittas?

Well, that's not a very easy question, Carole.

I suppose I could double up on lost property.

What?

Well, if I move lost property to the drawer on the right

that will leave the middle drawer free.

Carole, you cannot go on filling the drawers of Reception

with illegitimate children.

No, Mr. Brittas.

We have to face the moral issue here, Carole.

Julie, tell me where I'd find Colin at the moment, please.

Oh, he'd be down in his little room.

Thank you.

Do you want me to bring him up?

You're offering to go down and get him?

If you'd like.

Julie, are you taking some form of medication?

Gordon, I need to know about Suzie.

I'm rather tied up at the moment now, darling.

Is it true she's pregnant?

My darling that's confidential information.

Gordon!

Yes, I believe she is.

Well, I think you ought to check.

There might've been some sort of mistake.

I rang the lab, my darling,

it's definite I'm afraid.

Oh god!

Yes, if only I'd been here,

I might've been able to prevent it.

What?

It was Easter, you see.

If you remember, I was away in Brussels.

What's Brussels got to do with it.

That's when all the dates go back to my darling.

That's when whatever happened must have happened.

Where you worried?

What?

Worried about Suzie?

No.

No, it's just...

Nothing.

Some other time.

If you see Linda, my darling,

could you tell her I might be a bit delayed?

Tell her to come straight up to the office, I'll be back as soon as I can, alright?

Right.

Come on, Carole.

Where are we going, Mr. Brittas?

Well, you are going to have a sit down in the canteen,

while I go and have a chat with Master Colin.

What are you going to say to him, Mr. Brittas?

There's only one thing to say, Carole.

As the father of your child,

he has to accept the consequences of his actions.

He has to marry you.

Oh!

So you see what I mean, Linda?

There's a sort of principle at stake here.

Yes, Gavin.

If one person's in charge,

then all the rest of us know where we are.

Yes, Gavin.

So the next time somebody asks you

whether you're on or off the desk,

I think it might be helpful If you said something like,

I think Gavin's in charge of Reception today.

I'd better clear it with Gavin first, something like that.

Right.

Linda, Gordon wants to see you in his office. I'll look after the desk for you.

Thanks, Mrs. Brittas.

Mrs. Brittas! -Oh, don't worry, Gavin,

any idiot can man a desk for five minutes.

I want to use the phone anyway.

Yes, but, Mrs. Brittas, technically you're not a member of staff,

and Mr. Brittas has always been very insistent that only staff members...

John, hello, it's me.

This is going to be a private call.

Sorry.

Oh, Mr. Brittas.

A word if I may, Colin.

Always time for a chat with you, Mr. Brittas.

I'll get you a seat.

Fire ahead, Mr. Brittas.

I've just been talking to Carole, Colin.

Oh yes.

I'm afraid I had to give her some rather disturbing news.

Oh dear.

Yes, I had to inform her that apparently she's expecting another child.

My word, another one? How does she do it?

Well, she doesn't do it on her own, Colin.

No, of course.

I questioned her rather carefully, and it seems that on this occasion

she does at least know who the father is.

Oh good.

She says it's you. -Me!?

Conception took place over the Easter period

when I gather she was staying with you, alone in your house.

So you mean Carole and I...

We...

Are you quite sure about this, Mr. Brittas?

You don't remember it either?

I remember very little about Easter, Mr. Brittas.

If you recall, that was the week when the chemical waste deposits,

on which my house is unfortunately built,

combined together to produce a cocktail of hallucinogenic gases,

which rendered Carole and myself unconscious.

I hope you're not gonna try and wriggle out of this one, Colin.

I'm not exactly wriggling, Mr. Brittas.

That girl is expecting your child.

The only honourable course of action you have open,

as I see it, is to marry her. -Marry her?

Unless you have a better idea.

My word, this is turning into a morning of surprises.

Well?

I'm not saying I won't, Mr. Brittas.

It's just, well, I have other commitments, relationships.

You mean the milkman.

My relationship with Pauline,

while not being as physical

as the one that I apparently have had with Carole,

we have grown to mean a great deal to each other.

Colin, you cannot let Carole down on this one.

No, if I'm responsible, there's no question of that, Mr. Brittas. I'll stand by her.

Good!

Good, I'll send her down

and you can sort out the details between you.

Well done, Colin. Good man!

I think you'll find you've made the right decision.

How did he take it?

What?

Mr. Brittas, how did he take the news?

Oh, I haven't told him yet.

It's a bit more complicated than I thought.

Is it?

Well apparently he was in Brussels when it happened.

Ah.

I've rung John, he's the other obvious possibility.

But he says it can't be him.

Something to do with a school trip to Windscale in 1971.

I've been sitting here racking my brains to think who else it could be.

Laura, I'm just nipping outside for a bit, if that's alright.

Okay, Julie.

Now, I would have asked Mr. Brittas

for permission, but I don't like to interrupt him. Not when he's busy.

No?

What's wrong with her? -What?

Julie, she's never called him Mr. Brittas before.

I think I'll just go into town and go to the chemist,

get one of those kits, just to check again.

Would you mind doing the desk? -No, no, of course not.

You might see what Julie's doing while you're out there.

She looks perfectly happy to me.

What's she up to?

She's sitting in a Range Rover with a man.

Quite a good looking one actually.

Pregnant!

That's what the tests show, Linda.

Me, pregnant!?

No question of doubt.

It's down here in black and white.

Oh, I don't mind what colour it is.

As long as it's a baby.

Pregnant, gosh!

I take it this comes as something of a surprise, Linda.

It does rather.

We only decided to start trying last Friday.

That's when Edward retired.

Edward the headmaster?

That's right.

Now he's 65, we thought what better time to start a family

than when he's home to help look after them.

Yes, well I suppose it's something that you actually know who the father is.

The big question, of course,

is how long can you carry on with the trampoline training?

Have you heard about Colin and Carole?

No.

I've just been talking to her in the canteen,

she's gonna marry Colin.

Oh, come off it, Tim. -It's true!

She's actually looking forward to it.

She says it's the answer to all her prayers in a way.

What way is that exactly?

Well, deep down, she's always wanted to be a simple housewife,

and Colin's got a house.

You sure about this, Tim? -Positive!

She said the important thing to remember is that Colin is a warm, kind and loving man.

More than some of us have got.

Yes, but Colin!

Well, I think she's lucky.

At least he cares more about her than he does his career or what Mr. Brittas thinks.

You alright, Julie?

Fine. -You sure?

Yeah.

Tim, look after the desk.

Come on, let's go and have a talk.

Oh, no I can't,

I've got to do some typing for Mr. Brittas.

My word, you are in a bad way, aren't you?

Changed your mind then? -What?

About manning the desk?

Oh, that, well Laura asked me, because...

Oh, Laura asked you! Yes, well that would make it alright, wouldn't it?

It's only people you live with

you don't want to help, isn't it? -Oh, no. Look, Gavin...

Anyway, Mr. Brittas wants to see you in his office.

Gavin...? -Now!

It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? -Yes.

Colin?

Just when you think life's going in one direction,

you wake up one morning,

whoosh, off you go in the other direction.

Colin.

Yes.

You don't have to, you know.

You don't have to marry me.

I don't want you to feel forced into doing anything you don't really want.

I've always admired you, Carole.

Have you?

You have that capacity when bad things happen to you,

and they do happen to you rather frequently, don't they?

A little bit.

But you always bounce straight back, don't you?

Next morning, there you are with your cheerful smile

and your, "How can I help you?"

Bright as ever and looking, if I may say so,

extraordinarily attractive.

Oh, thank you!

Anyone can be happy when life's going well for them, Carole.

But when things go wrong all the time,

when all your plans go straight down the toilet, and you're still smiling...

You know, in many ways, you remind me of Mr. Brittas.

Oh, you're very kind.

I wonder, Carole, if you would do me the honour

of accepting this.

Oh, Colin.

It's been in my family a good many years.

It was last worn, I believe,

by my great-great-grandmother.

Your great-great-grandmother?

Interestingly enough,

the last woman in England to die of the plague.

Oh!

There's something else I want to show you.

Ta-dah!

It's a crib?

Would you like to see it going?

Going?

I've motorised you see,

so we won't have to push it all the time.

I got this engine from an old Suffolk Punch motor-mower,

and I've attached this simple ratchet system, and...

There you are, you see,

the baby just rocks off quietly to sleep.

What?

I said, the baby just rocks off quietly to sleep.

Colin, is it safe?

Yes, it's quite safe,

it's just slipping a bit on the ratchet.

I'll give it a bang.

You know, Carole, I'm rather looking forward to being a father.

It was just like in the movies, Laura.

I was gone as soon as I saw him.

Sounds wonderful.

But it's not. It all went wrong right from the start.

That's his name, is it?

Yeah, I mean, I should have known,

what sort of man has a name like

Alexander Chomley Hume Bart,

Bart's not actually part of his name, Julie.

What?

That's his title. It means he's a Baronet.

Oh god, I really pick 'em, don't I?

So what were you doing at the Young Conservatives' Spring Ball?

I was serving drinks.

I was standing there with me tray, and he come over

and started chatting a bit about beer and collies,

and then I took him off upstairs.

Upstairs, upstairs?

Yeah, it was wonderful, Laura.

Really the business, you know?

And afterwards he asked me if I wanted to see him again.

Ah, one of the old school.

Said I might, and then he said, "I'm sorry,

"I thought it meant more to you than that."

That was the last I saw of him.

You did want to see him, did you?.

Of course I did!

Yeah, I wonder in that case why didn't say,

yes, I'd love to see you again, when do you suggest?

Come off it, Laura, I didn't want to sound a complete prat.

So he hasn't been in touch since then?

Yeah, today. He sends up this message

saying he wants to see me out in the car park.

Says he can't get me out of his mind.

And he thinks we should clear the air.

And he wants to know how I feel about him.

Did you tell him? -Yeah.

I said, I thought he were alright.

Another green light, eh?

And he stares at the windscreen and says,

"in that case, there's not much point in seeing each other again, is there?"

Julie!

Oh, Laura, I've never felt like this about anyone.

I thought he liked me.

I think he does.

What?

There's something you should know about us poor Southerners, Julie.

The game's up, Tim!

Mr. Brittas? -You're rumbled, Timothy.

Your number has been called.

Your secret is out.

What? What secret?

I should've seen it a long time ago.

No girlfriends. Always hanging around with Gavin.

Those pelmets you made for the staff restroom.

What puzzles me is how you thought you could get away with it.

I haven't been trying to get away with anything, Mr. Brittas.

Do you realise how serious this is, Tim?

Well, frankly, no I don't.

Take my word for it, you are in very hot water.

I suppose you thought it was the only way you could get a job here.

What?

I've been through the records, Tim.

When you applied, we'd already taken on our full quota of women.

Mr. Brittas, what exactly are you talking about?

Timothy, you're a woman, aren't you?

I'm a what?

I have the lab reports on your sample, Tim.

By the way, you're also pregnant.

Mr. Brittas!

You probably didn't know that, did you?

Mr. Brittas, I am not a woman. -You're denying it?

I most certainly am.

Well, there's one simple way to find out, isn't there?

I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, Tim.

Mr. Brittas, what are you doing?

It's like another language, ain't it?

I suppose it is really.

It works both ways, of course.

Well, how d'you mean?

Well, when he said, what was it, "Gosh, Julie, you're a real whiz!"

I really think he meant it as a compliment.

You're kidding!

No, no, I'm not.

Come on, with a bit of luck, he may still be in the car park.

Now, don't forget, the basic rule of thumb

is if he laughs nervously he's almost certainly trying to be serious.

And then when he goes all frowning and concentrated?

He's probably trying to remember a joke.

Laura. -Yes, just a minute, Gavin.

Good luck!

And remember you must be gentle with him.

He's probably never been to Rotherham.

Yes, Gavin, what's the problem?

It's Mr. Brittas. -Yes?

I knew he got it wrong! -Helen!

Look, it's not blue at all.

Mrs Brittas, would you mind... -I knew I wasn't pregnant.

Typical Gordon getting it all wrong again.

Mrs. Brittas... -I'd better go upstairs.

Ooh, Suzie would want to know as well, wouldn't she?

For god sake, Mrs. Brittas, would you listen to somebody else for a change!

It's Mr. Brittas. He's doing things to Tim.

Doing things?

I want those trousers off, Tim, and I want them off now.,

Get off me!

Is that Gordon? -Yes.

Well, what's he doing?

He's trying to get Tim's trousers off.

You've torn my shirt.

He's gone mad. -Well, it sounds like it.

Mr. Brittas, you've no right!

Oh, I have every right

when the safety of my - staff is concerned, Tim.

Now let go of that belt.

Help!

I'm not gonna stand and listen to this any more.

Help, somebody.

Hang on, Timmy, I'm coming!

Mr. Brittas, you have to stop doing that.

Gordon, what the hell is going on?

Grab her shoulders, Gavin. Don't let her get away.

Mr. Brittas, what are you doing?

I'll explain later, Laura.

Undo her fly!

That does it!

Are you alright?

He went mad!

You've really done it this time, Gordon.

If they send you to prison don't expect any visits from me.

He kept saying I was a woman.

Well, he is a woman.

How can he be pregnant if he wasn't a woman?

Who on Earth says he's pregnant?

According to this the lab does. -What?!

There you are, scientific proof.

Now if someone can help me get those shorts off.

Gordon, leave him alone.

There's an awful lot of pregnancies here, Mr. Brittas.

That list is confidential, Laura.

I make it 17 altogether.

Which is a lot of counselling sessions

to get through in one day, so if everyone could just...

Good grief, it's all the women on the staff.

Including those three in their seventies,

and Mrs. Delgado, who's had a hysterectomy.

I rang the lab, Laura, they double checked.

Yes, who arranged the collection?

What?

Who actually took the samples down to the lab?

Well, I don't know. I was away.

I gave mine to Julie.

I think we should talk to Julie.

You're really serious?

Could I have a word with my secretary, please?

What is it?

It's a confidential matter, Julie.

I think it might be best.

I'll be right back.

Well?

You took the urine samples down to the lab last month?

What?

The drug test samples, you collected them, and took them round to the lab?

You took them there yourself?

You didn't give them to anyone else?

If anything happened, Julie, I think you should tell us.

Alright, I dropped them.

You what!

Well, just the women's,

and maybe one or two of the others.

So what did you do?

Well, there wasn't time to go around again, was there?

And nobody except Suzie uses drugs anyway,

so I filled them up myself.

What, all 17 of them?

I'd had couple of pints at lunchtime.

I cannot believe I'm hearing this.

You falsified official scientific records!

Mr. Brittas, do we have to do this now? -What?

It may not seem much to you, but Alex and I are trying to talk. It's important.

So is this, Julie.

He just asked me to marry him.

Julie! -Congratulations!

Can we get back to the matter in hand, please.

Julie here has falsified official scientific records.

I don't know if I'm ready for marriage.

I mean, what would I do?

You'll be busy enough.

What?

I think you better have a look at this, Julie.

It is quite definite, Julie. It's been checked 17 times.

I suppose you've heard.

Yes, yes, wonderful news.

Yes.

Julie's engaged. I'm not pregnant.

We don't have to get married.

No.

You'll be off out then?

A lot of the owners like to give their dogs a walk in the afternoon,

and I like to keep on top of the job.

Make sure everything is clean, for when the children come home.

Well...

Colin. -Yes, Carole?!

I've just remembered. -Thanks.

Come in.

Ah, Laura, I nearly made a bit of a fool of myself back there, didn't I?

Well....

17 simultaneous pregnancies!

I should have realised there was something a bit strange.

Well....

But in many ways, Laura,

that's what management is all about, making mistakes.

And you do it extraordinarily well, Mr. Brittas.

Thank you, Laura.

Right, let's get on with this management meeting, shall we?

Where's Gavin? -He's gone home.

Well, he rather presumed, in the circumstances, he wouldn't be welcome.

What circumstances?

Punching you in the face mostly.

Oh, that!

I rather approved of that actually.

Did you?

Frankly, Laura, I've always wondered whether there isn't

something a little bit girly about Gavin.

But seeing him leap to the defence of his friend

in what must have seemed a very strange situation.

It did rather.

Yes, I was rather impressed.

In fact I think we should make his management post official.

Oh, good!

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

What?

Having everything back to normal.

Well, you know, Tim and Gavin are sorted out,

Linda and Carole aren't pregnant,

Colin doesn't have to get married.

Helen's gone home to cook a lovely supper for you.

And Julie's...

Ah, Julie.

Julie, minutes of the last meeting, please.

If you want any minutes, you can find 'em yourself.

Don't expect me back till Wednesday. I'm off to Scotland.

Like I said, everything back to normal.