Original subtitles

If only, I hear you say. If only Mr Brittas had been here.

"this disaster would never have happened."

Very possibly not,

but the day may come

when I'm not here at all.

Let's just spend a moment thinking about that, shall we?

Okay.

Can we think about it a bit longer, Mr. Brittas?

Now, a brief word about basic safety techniques.

The golden rule is, Linda?

Um... -I'll remind you, shall I?

On seeing a potential hazard,

we think about it, don't we?

We identify the problems,

then we tell the rest of the team.

Think, identify, tell. -Tit.

Pardon? -l said Tit, Mr. Brittas.

Timothy! -It's a mnemonic, Mr. Brittas.

What?

Think, identify, tell, T-I-T.

Tit.

I'm so sorry I'm late Mr. Brittas,

I've had a bit of trouble finding a fire extinguisher.

If you remember, we lost three, that time that they took off

your trousers, and sprayed foam all over your...

Stop right there, Colin.

Sorry, Mr Brittas. -What's he done wrong everyone?

I thought we'd all promised not to mention the Rotary Club dinner, didn't we?

Gavin, I'm talking about the fact that he's not wearing a safety hat.

You can't come in here without a hat, Colin.

You're right Mr. Brittas. I'm sorry.

Are you gonna be very much longer?

Mr. Donaldson.

I've got eight men waiting out there to come in and start work.

There you are Colin, you're holding up Mr. Donaldson now,

all because Colin's not wearing a hat.

Linda, go and get Colin a hat, please.

I'll bring it back in a minute.

Ah, thank you, Mr. Donaldson.

Colin. -Thank you, Mr. Brittas.

You may now enter the room.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, what else has he done wrong?

Anyone?

Could you give them the answer to this one, Mr. Brittas?

We've lost nearly an hour already.

He's left a fire extinguisher in the middle of the room.

Goodness me, so I have. -Naah!

Here's where we want it, Col.

Out of harm's way.

Safety Colin, we must think safety!

Hi Carole.

Carole?

It's alright darling, Mummy's coming.

Oh, Michael.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure centre. How can I help you?

I was wondering if Gordon was back?

Oh yes, he's upstairs,

so you should be safe if you keep to the ground floor.

Oh, no, no, no, I wanted to see him.

Oh, well I'll just fill you out a visitor's security pass then.

Oh Ben!

I've told you before about playing with Mummy's things.

Are you okay, Carole? -I'm sorry Michael,

it's just that Jessica has got another ear infection,

and I haven't had any sleep for three nights.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

What with that and my birthday.

It's your birthday? -Was -- yesterday.

I had no idea. -Nobody did.

No presents, cards?

One -- from Ben.

One -- from Ben.

"Happy birthday Poo-head!"

I won't buy him an air rifle, you see.

This is terrible Carole. You leave it with me.

Just as soon as I've seen Gordon,

I'm gonna do something about this.

Oh for goodness sake Ben, turn it down!

There are other people trying to sleep in these drawers, you know!

Come in!

What do you want?

And good morning to you, Gordon.

I said, what do you want?

I've come for a job. -You what?

I'd like to work here, Gordon.

I don't know if anyone's ever explained to you Mr. Farrell

but if you had a job, you might be expected to do a day's work.

Look, I know that...

And you wouldn't recognise a day's work,

if it jumped out of your Cayman Islands' bank account

and turned into a pair of silk pyjamas.

I just want a job, Gordon.

I'm afraid there's nothing available.

Well, that's not what it says here.

"A once in a lifetime opportunity

to change both you and the world you live in,

Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre, seeks new junior pool attendant."

You can't have that position.

Why not? -You're American.

Married to a British national,

I checked it out Gordon.

Would Julie have the application forms?

You leave my secretary alone.

Julie, bring me in the application forms please.

I want to keep them under lock and key.

Brittas.

What sort of emergency Colin?

Welcome home, Gordon.

One moment, my darling, please.

Michael, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just dropped by.

I don't know why you're bothering, 'cause no one's going to apply.

Colin, why exactly would a builder want to set fire to his own hair?

Oh, I saw you in the restaurant last night -What?

Well I was helping out in the kitchen. That's how you got an extra oyster.

Sorry.

I'm always doing that.

Alright, alright, I'll deal with it Colin.

Sorry, my darling.

What's this about restaurants?

Sorry?

I thought you were in Manchester with your mother.

Yes, I came back early -- for dinner.

Dinner, that's nice. Who with?

She had dinner with me, Gordon.

You!

I hope you don't mind.

You had dinner with him, just the two of you?

Well, obviously not just the two of us, Gordon.

No? -There was a whole bunch of us.

Yeah, we were celebrating Carole's birthday.

Carole's birthday, and I missed it!

That's why Helen wanted to be there, to represent you.

Yes, yes, that's right, I went along to say,

"Happy birthday, from all of us!"

Alright, my darling, we'll talk about it later,

I've got an emergency to deal with.

Michael, that was brilliant!

I don't know how to thank you!

Hey Helen, I've been there, you know.

God, I'm so sorry Mrs. Brittas. -Never mind.

I should have realised, you know, there you were

with that lawyer. The champagne, oysters.

I do not believe it!

You sacrificed a precious evening with your mother

so that management could be represented at Carole's birthday.

You are a ministering angel, my sweet.

You know I've admired that about Gordon.

He really trusts me.

So, you're telling me this man picked up his comb.

This comb, Mr. Brittas, seems ordinary enough.

And his hair caught fire.

So why would it set his hair on fire?

Well, it's a mystery, isn't it?

Right, here's what you do Colin.

Give him an aspirin.

If that doesn't work you'll have to send him home.

Wilco, Mr. Brittas.

Now, about this party last night.

Party? -Carole's birthday party.

Did anyone remember to give her a present?

Present?

I wish you'd stop repeating everything I say.

I don't know anything about a party.

You don't know anything about a party?

Nobody told me anything.

Nobody told you anything.

Would you mind waiting, please?

I'm trying to get some sense out of my deputy manager.

Hey, Councillor Druggett called.

He wants to know about Brussels, and are you definitely leaving?

Right, I better deal with it.

Just make sure he knows we're not liable.

Is this the one that set fire to his head?

Did you know about this party?

What?

Mr Brittas told me that Carole had a birthday party last night.

God, did he ask if you were there?

Yes.

And what did you say?

What could I say? I said no.

Were many members of staff not invited?

Oh crikey, we're not ready for this.

Sorry, Colin.

Or was I the only one?

Sorry Dermot. You want something from your lunch box?

Hang on.

He's asking about the party.

What?

Mr. Brittas!

He's been asking Colin about the party.

Oh lord, what do we do now?

It's alright. It's alright, as long as we all say the same thing.

We just have to make sure that everybody knows the story.

Listen, can you two say you were at a party last night?

A party, why?

Well Michael's told Brittas that we were all celebrating

Carole's birthday at the Trocadero.

So if he asks, you were there, okay?

Yes, fine.

It's not that important, but it would help.

And we'll say Gavin was the one who organised it.

Should be a few brownie points there, eh?

Well, I'd rather not if you don't mind.

Why not? -I'd rather not say I was there when...

well, I wasn't was I?

Well, none of us were there Gavin,

that's the whole point. It's made up.

Well, I prefer not to have to tell a lie.

Oh, come on, Gavin.

Oh, it doesn't matter as long as we get enough of the others.

I could bring Edward. -What?

As a matter of fact, I'd feel happier if he came.

I'm actually quite a shy person.

Linda.

Oh, let her bring him.

The important thing now is to tell everyone else.

Oh, except Colin

'cause he already said he didn't know anything about it.

Right, so it was the Trocadero, we got there just after eight,

back just after midnight, and everyone had a wonderful time.

Right, well I'll tell Carole.

Thanks Julie. -I'll do the pool and the changing rooms.

And I'll catch anyone that comes in here.

I'll phone Edward.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it, you know.

All the lies, the deception, the anxiety, just for a few moments of illicit pleasure.

Yes.

I think it is.

Looks like some of us rather overindulged last night, Carole.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas?

Good party, eh?

At the restaurant, your birthday.

Oh yes, that.

We went to the Trocadero, got there about eight,

left just before midnight

and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

I have no wish to spoil a festive occasion, Carole.

But when an evening's enjoyment

affects our performance, at work the following day.

I'll get Julie to drop down my pamphlet on alcohol abuse, alright?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Linda!

A word please.

Now you were at this party last night, were you?

I certainly was Mr. Brittas.

We all went to the Trocadero, got there about eight...

Yes, I know that Linda.

What concerns me is Carole's present.

I take it she did get one, did she?

Oh yes.

And what was it?

I'm afraid Edward and I didn't see.

No?

It was in its little box by then.

Right, so who organised it?

Was it Gavin, was it Tim, was it?

Tim. -Tim.

Yes.

Right, get Tim to come to my office, please will you?

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Tim!

Mr. Brittas wants to see you in his office.

And he wants to know about the present.

What present?

Carole's birthday present.

I told him you organised it and I didn't know what it was.

Sorry.

I'm really sorry, Tim.

It's okay.

We just have to decide what the present was.

How about towels?

That's not much of a present.

Couldn't we get her something a bit more personal? -- Jewellery, or...

It's towels. So I organised a collection

and we gave her some bath towels.

I can handle that.

Well, Edward and I are giving jewellery.

Are you still here?

I just need an application form.

Look, I told you, there's no point in discussing it.

I'm not having a proven adulterer

wearing the logo and uniform of this leisure centre.

I'll level with you Gordon.

I need this job.

Oh, I thought you had a wife to live off?

Not to mention a father in Chicago worth millions.

Billions, Gordon

But none of it, none of it is mine unless Laura has a child.

And at the moment it looks like she doesn't want one.

Well, can you blame her?

You're not exactly the world's most trustworthy of husbands are you?

Well, that's exactly why I need this job.

I need to do something drastic to prove

to Laura that I've changed.

And well frankly, wearing shorts

to work is about as drastic as I can get.

I need to show her I'm serious, Gordon.

Can you understand that?

Well I suppose I can.

Then you see why I need the job.

Yes.

So do I get it?

No.

This is a racist thing, right?

What?

You're discriminating against my ethnic background.

It's the Irish grandparents.

Your grandparents are completely irrelevant, Farrell.

I wonder if the Equal Opportunities Board

will see it that way.

Sit down, Farrell.

243 questions. No blanks allowed.

Great, can I take a pen?

Ah-ah.

Sign here please.

Do I have to sign for this pen?

Just write your name, Farrell.

Thank you.

You may now have access to leisure centre property.

You wanted to see me Mr. Brittas.

Ah Timothy, yes.

It concerns Carole's present that you organised.

Ah yes, we went for the bath towels in the end.

Yes.

Would anyone mind if I made a contribution?

You want to give me money?

It's a question of staff morale, Tim.

Now how much did it cost?

Ah-er-£55

Sounds rather expensive.

Well, there were four. Big ones.

How many of you were there?

Oh, let me just count around the table.

Two, four--

There were 16 altogether, Tim.

So there were, 16.

And how many of those were members of staff?

What?

It's just our need to know the number, Tim,

so that I can take the £55

and divide it by that number plus one, myself,

so I can work out my contribution

and then determine what fraction

of that I need to reimburse the others with.

Yes.

Unless of course you took contributions

from people who weren't at the party

like Laura, Gavin.

Why shouldn't Gavin have been at the party?

Well, how could he be? It's Monday nights.

He's not still keeping it a secret is he, Tim?

He goes to his mother's.

Gavin came to me some weeks ago, Tim,

and asked for advice about how

he could scale the ladders of promotion.

And I sent him on a management course.

A what?

He did extremely well.

Came fifth overall in the term exams.

You might tell him that.

I certainly will!

It's funny how the smell always lingers, isn't it?

In kitchens.

It's being a vegetarian.

You always recognise the smell of cooked meat.

My word, that is rather high.

What is it? -109!

Has he been out in the sun at all?

No, down in the cellar.

I'll just check his heart.

Don't worry son, this may be a little bit chilly.

I've written it all down for you.

Now this is where everyone was sitting

and this is what we all ate.

We've put down what people were wearing

and one or two funny things that they said.

Okay? -Right.

Oh goodness, Colin!

Is there anything I can do?

Please, don't trouble yourself.

You'll doubtless be needing your rest after the party.

Oh, thank you.

Linda told me what a success it had all been.

Oh yes, it was wonderful Colin.

They gave me towels. Everyone was there.

Not quite everyone, Carole.

No?

Or didn't you notice?

Oh Colin, you weren't there!

What happened?

I was not invited.

Colin, I'm so sorry.

As it happens, I had plenty to do last evening,

but it might've been nice to have been asked.

I've just seen a stretcher, is it serious?

Just heat stroke we think, Laura.

I'm dealing with it.

Do you want some help?

No, thank you, Laura.

I'd rather be on my own.

I might as well get used to it.

What's up with him?

Oh, it's all my fault, Laura.

I didn't invite Colin to my party last night.

You had a party?

Yes, we went to the Trocadero, everyone was there,

it was my birthday.

Why didn't you invite him?

I've no idea.

I had everyone else, Michael, Tim, Julie.

Michael?

What? -My Michael?

Oh, yes. He sat two places away on my right.

He had the veal.

He didn't tell me.

Oh no, I don't believe it you weren't there either.

Oh, I'm so sorry Laura I didn't invite you,

I haven't invited Colin.

No, no, it's alright Carole.

I was in London.

No, I just wondered why he didn't mention it.

Oh well, he'll probably explain it himself

when he comes downstairs.

He's here?

Yes, he wanted to see Mr. Brittas.

I think I'll just pop upstairs

and see if everything's alright.

Although with this bomb business, Councillor,

I'm beginning to wonder

if I should even think about leaving.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Europe's need is the greater.

That's a very noble thought, Mr. Drugett.

About five weeks if all goes well.

Let's hope so, yes.

One last thing, Councillor.

I've worked out an estimate for the building repairs.

Well it pans out round about ballpark figure of £400,000.

Councillor?

Mr. Drugett?

Laura. -- How are things?

I wonder if you knew we just lost a builder?

Another?

What happened to this one?

Colin reckoned it was some sort of heat stroke.

I'd take it with a pinch of salt if I were you Laura.

We've already had one go home saying he'd been burnt

on the crotch by his lunch box.

Do you want me to check what's happening?

Wiser to keep out, I think Laura.

These people are usually very touchy in my experience.

Down tools if you so much as talk to them.

I promised the good Councillor that we'd keep away.

Anyway, how was London?

Gordon I'm all puzzled by question 98.

Oh Laura, you're back.

Yes.

How was London?

Fine, thank you.

How was the party?

How was it?

I hear you had the veal.

You weren't there either were you Laura?

Look, if you'd like to make a contribution to the present

I can recalculate the figures.

You got her a present? -Yes.

What was it?

Unfortunately, I was sitting around the corner.

I didn't get to see it.

They gave her towels, Laura.

Rather a successful do by all accounts.

You and I rather missed out.

Yes I think we probably did.

What are you doing here, Michael?

Can I explain that a little later?

I look forward to it.

I was going to tell you.

Oh yes.

I was, I know how you feel about management.

Too right, I do.

Do you want to end up like Brittas?

Oh well, at least he's got somewhere with his life.

At least he's done something. -You call that good?

I just don't wanna spend the rest of my life

as some common or garden pool attendant.

Oh, but being common or garden's okay for me is it?

I didn't say that.

No, you didn't have to.

Look, if you don't change direction

you wind up where you're going.

God, you've been listening to him as well haven't you?

Look, I know what all this is about.

Just because I didn't go to public school.

It's got nothing to do with public school.

Look Tim!

Don't touch me!

I'm not going to argue about this.

I've got a badminton class.

Look at this, we've brought a tie.

Put that back.

We're jumping the gun a bit, aren't we?

Put it back.

Hello, what are these?

"Leadership In Modern Management",

"Mobilising Resources In The Leisure Industry",

and finally, "Say Hello To Success".

Have you been reading these?

It's just a few books from the library, that's all.

Ex-libris, Gordon Brittas.

"Remember Gavin, my door is always open

to a fellow worker for -- the dream.

NB, please return by 9:30, Monday."

Look, be careful with those.

Oh no, no, no.

Chapter three, "If you can dream it, you can do it".

Give that back.

No, no. I want to be a fellow dreamer.

Give that to me, give that!

Ah, young love.

Don't you think we ought to stop them or something?

No, let's stay and watch.

I know some of you feel that these unexplained burnings

are something more than just bad luck.

It may be possible that we've disturbed

an ancient burial site.

So my suggestion is we wait here until the exorcist arrives,

and then we'll know

that there'll be no more shocks and surprises.

Carole, about this party last night.

Can I ask a few questions?

Questions?

Yes, just one or two things I'd like to get clear.

Certainly, Laura.

If you'll just excuse me a moment.

Yes?

Never mind.

Linda, do you know who organised this party last night?

Nobody really.

Nobody?

No, there wasn't really a party you see.

We just have to say there was.

And whose idea was that?

Oh, Michael's.

Did he say why?

I don't think so.

Probably covering up for something.

You know what Michael's like.

They're gonna kill each other.

Sorry Carole, I'm going to need that.

Do something will you?

Sorry Gavin, I'll have to be firm with you.

What's going on?

He lied.

All I did was go to an evening class.

He's a liar.

Everybody tells lies sometimes.

You have to.

Not to me.

No, no, I think Gavin's got a point.

What?

Well, I've been thinking a lot about this recently

and I don't see how you can not tell lies

in a relationship.

I mean, if everyone told their partner everything

most relationships wouldn't last 10 minutes.

We'd all be getting divorced and, and... Hello Gordon.

Right, all those who attended Carole's party,

up to my office now, please.

Chop chop!

Helen, I thought you were at the party?

Oh, I didn't, I didn't think you'd...

My suspicions were first aroused by this present

you all apparently gave Carole.

Such a generous gift, if I could thank you all once again.

A present which Linda earlier described

as being wrapped in a small box

but which later turned out to be four bath towels.

Yes, I think I can explain that.

Perhaps you could also explain Timothy,

why Michael Farrell was unable to see the present

because he was seated around the corner, out of sight.

When, according to you,

everyone was seated at a circular table.

Yes, I think I can see the misunderstanding...

Save your breath, Tim, I phoned the restaurant.

Oh, God.

It's not going to work, you know?

What?

This attempt to convince me that there was no party.

That I have no need to feel humiliated and hurt.

I appreciate your efforts, Mr. Brittas.

Sit down, Colin.

I feel in the circumstances,

I have no alternative, but to tender my resignation.

One more squeak out of you and you're fired Colin.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Now the other interesting point the manager mentioned

was a couple who booked in under the name of Smith.

One was a tall good-looking man with dark wavy hair.

The other, he described as a fluffy blonde

who talked too much and spilt a lot

of wine down her front.

You've all been lying to me.

Except me.

Not now, Gavin.

And the one who started all the lies --

was you Helen Brittas.

Now, the interesting question is why would my wife,

who we all know would never do a dishonest deed in her life,

suddenly do something like this?

I think the answer is bound up with a mystery man

in the restaurant.

Tall, good-looking with dark wavy hair.

Who do we know who fits that description?

I don't know anyone Gordon.

I think we do.

I don't on my children's grave, I... .

It was Farrell wasn't it?

Who?

Michael T Farrell the third. -Michael?

The same.

Of course, he's tall, good-looking...

With dark wavy hair.

Who else could it be?

Yes, Julie?

I just wondered if you had any idea who the woman was?

That, we shall probably never know.

But in the final analysis, that is not important.

What matters--

So I'm completely innocent!

Of course you are, my darling.

What else could you be?

So it's all sorted out then.

Not quite.

I still want to know why my staff and my wife

have been lying to me.

And I think the answer is just outside this door.

Mr. Farrell, would you like to step this way please?

Almost finished, Gordon.

Just 33 more to go.

Something going on?

Something has been going on, as you put it.

I'm afraid your dabblings in the honeypot

have finally come home to roost.

Oh.

Michael T Farrell the third, I put it to you.

This whole business of Carole's birthday party

and the Trocadero restaurant is nothing more

than an attempt to cover up the truth.

That you were there in the restaurant,

accompanied by a lady with whom

you were having a secret affair.

A fact you are understandably desperate

to keep from your wife, Laura.

What have you got to say for yourself, Mr. Farrell?

What can I say, Gordon?

You got me.

I can't believe it, Michael.

No, no, it's true.

Every word of it.

No, no, no, no I don't mean the Miss. Marple bit.

You applied for a job.

Oh that, well, there's not much hope

of me getting that now.

But you applied.

They can't take that away from you.

We'll get this framed.

Thanks.

Number 87, "Apart from potential for spiritual

and physical growth, analysing questions 15 through 67,

what would be your main satisfaction

in coming to work at work at Whitbury New Town Leisure?".

"I'd like to spend more time with my wife."

Is that true?

Kind of.

Well, I think that could be happening soon anyway.

I'm afraid I wasn't that honest

about my trip to London either.

No?

I was actually seeing our old family doctor

and he was very -- positive. -Positive?

Does this mean that...?

Say hello to Barney!

Hello Barney.

You're going to be one rich bunny.

Sorry my darling. Rather longer than two minutes, wasn't it?

Never mind, Gordon.

I had to call the contractors

to complain about the builders.

Have you seen them?

They've been sitting in that van

like statues for three hours now.

Pretty depressing.

Oh Gordon, isn't it a lovely day? -Is it?

Look, over there.

She trusts him completely, doesn't she?

If only she knew.

Well.

Someone ought to tell her.

Perhaps I'll pop around there myself

this evening on some pretext.

I don't think I would, Gordon.

No?

I mean, what good would it do?

Well, it would doubtless mean the breakup of her marriage

and very possibly destroy her faith in human nature.

But at least she'd know where she stood.

It would be an awful shame. It's not that important.

Not important?

He's been unfaithful, Helen.

Yes, but I think with some people, in some cases

that sort of thing doesn't mean as much as you'd think.

But she loves him and he doesn't deserve it.

Perhaps that's when you need it most.

When you don't deserve it.

Helen Brittas, you've gone and done it again.

What?

I think I know your every move

and suddenly you go and surprise me all over again.

You've been thinking.

Alright, alright, I won't tell her.

His secret is safe with me.

I think it's best. -Come on.