Original subtitles

Laura, yes it's me.

I had a thought during the night. Did I ever tell you

the four most important things to bear in mind when managing a Leisure Centre?

It's no trouble.

And it's quite easy to remember.

It's people, people, people...

You're quite right, there's a fourth one too, Laura.

Hang on a second, come in.

Ah, yes, one moment please, Laura.

About breakfast, two things,

I ordered Weetabix and this is Shredded Wheat.

Monsieur?

Ici ce le wheat shreddied, ce ne pas le bix weeta.

Deux, j'ai demande bread, that's a bun. Alright?

Laura, a lovely time, yes.

I don't know why people keep laughing at the Belgians.

They're not that bad. Bit dull perhaps.

Yes, there was one thing, Laura.

You haven't heard from Helen, at all, have you?

Yes, it's just I rang her last night,

to say I was back from dinner safely, around about 3 am, and there was no reply.

Yes, it is puzzling, isn't it?

I phoned back at 4 o'clock,

left it ringing 20 minutes, still nothing.

If you could be so kind, Laura.

And if I don't speak to you again before the interview...

Yes, but if you don't, I hope it all goes well.

Okay, bye.

Morning Carole.

Sorry about this, we were a bit late getting up this morning.

How was the holiday?

Oh, not so bad. You know.

Where did you go?

Oh, on the first day we took a bus out to visit Colin.

Didn't eat anything, did you?

No, no.

No, I think it was probably the tea that caused the trouble.

Unfortunately, poor Colin had hit his head on a lawnmower earlier in the day,

and they think that might have confused him into using the wrong tea caddy.

Keep going, Carole.

Well in the other tin, he keeps these herbs, you know,

that can paralyse parts of the body.

And, you know, if he needs to sort of lance a boil

or cut out a hookworm or something.

And we had two mugs of it.

Yes. Mr. Brittas? Weeds on the back path. Okay.

Anything else?

Lavatory paper. Right, okay.

So I'll think weeds, people and lavatory paper.

Oh, and Carole would like a word with you.

Yes, right.

Hello, Mr. Brittas, yes, just a few notes for you.

The first one says, I know where you live

and I'm going to get you.

And the others, probably by the same people.

I think we'll skip the others, Carole.

Bye.

Hello, Mr. Brittas, yes, it looks like Mr. Redwood again.

Shall I call the police?

Did they? Well, I won't bother.

Okay, right.

There's a man outside with a load of dustbins,

and he says, "Where do you want them?"

Thank you, Julie, I'll deal with it.

Oh, do we know if Brittas has got the job?

Not yet. Big interview's this morning.

Oh, maybe I should drop into church,

light a candle or something.

Well, don't leave it too late,

when I called in, they'd nearly all gone.

Gavin. -Not a chance. -Oh, go on, Gavin.

You know, I'm lousy with children.

This is true, but it's still your turn.

Good news, everybody. The dustbin strike is over.

Oh!

You mean, they've given in?

Well...

I thought Mr. Brittas said they weren't allowed

on Leisure Centre property until they'd picked up that Malteser wrapper?

As it happens, Linda, the wrapper has mysteriously disappeared.

So they've left us some temporary dustbins

and they'll be around this evening with a skip to take away our rubbish mountain.

Tim, all set for the children's party?

Well...

Tim, it is your turn.

Now, you've got your costume and the hat,

but I think it might be best not to give out the badges.

Oh, it's just a little misprint.

Gavin, I don't think it helps The Centre to have people telling the world

that they've farted with Mr. Jolly.

I won't mind. -I rest my case.

So, sorry, I'm late, Laura.

I'm afraid. I was slightly delayed at the hospital.

It's alright, Colin.

The ward Sister suggested one last stomach pump

which, interestingly enough, produced a threepenny bit,

that can't have seen the light of day since the seventies.

We'll talk about it later, shall we, Colin?

Alright, everybody let's get started.

With Mr. Brittas away, there may well be some customers.

How's it going with him, Laura.

Have we heard?

Nothing definite.

I do so hope he gets this job.

It's very important to him.

Very important to all of us, I think, Colin.

Hello, Helen.

Can I have a word, Laura.

Well, I am rather busy at the moment.

It's alright, sorry, it's just a joke.

Perhaps you'd like to speak to Mr. Brittas, Colin.

Mr. Brittas, how very nice to hear from you.

It's Colin, Mr. Brittas.

Toilet cleaner, I'm on my way.

Mrs Farrell?

Yes.

I'm afraid Mrs Brittas was taken into custody last night,

charged with a rather serious offence.

Helen?!

With her husband away, we thought she ought to be with someone.

She has to return to the police station at four o'clock for further questioning.

I see. -Would you mind?

Oh no, no, of course not.

Thank you.

Helen, what have you done?

No problem, Mr. Brittas, I've done a quick squirt in every bowl.

Which way would you like me to go now, Mr. Brittas?

Right, right you are, Mr. Brittas.

Then you go left, then straight down the corridor

and through the door at the end.

What do you mean there's a wall?

There's supposed to be a fire door there, Colin.

Well, whatever it is, just go through it.

Come in.

Monsieur?

Ah, yes, one moment please, Colin.

I ordered some shoe cleaning materials

and when I order shoe cleaning materials

I expect a soft lint-free cloth, a tin of wax shoe polish, and two brushes.

This is a silicone substitute.

Which merely gives a cosmetic shine

and clogs the leather so that it can't breathe. Alright?

Colin, still there?

Right, have you gone through the door?

Right, look down at your feet, Colin, what do you see?

Grass, Mr. Brittas, precisely.

It's unsightly, Colin, and we need to get rid of it.

What do you mean? How?

I think pulling it up by hand might take a while, Mr. Brittas.

Leave it to me, Mr. Brittas, weed killer it shall be.

Attempted murder?

Yes.

I can't believe it. Who?

Head of the English Department at Jonathan's comprehensive.

You tried to kill a teacher?

I wasn't trying to kill him, Laura, my foot slipped.

I was going home after Jonathan's parents' evening.

I put the car into the wrong gear, and backed into his classroom.

Through a wall?

Both walls.

Was he badly hurt?

No, he swung up on a light fitting.

He's got a slight limp where the roof rack clipped him on the ankle,

but no one can call that attempted murder.

Oh, Helen.

It was a slight accident, that's all.

Well, it explains why Mr. Brittas couldn't get through to you.

He doesn't know does he? -No, but he'll have to be told.

Why?

You've been accused of attempted murder, Helen!

He's your husband. You have to tell him.

No, she doesn't.

Julie?

She doesn't need Brittas. She needs a lawyer.

Julie, will you turn that thing off?

You need John Rawlinson.

Now, do you remember my last boyfriend? -The one who stole cars?

Yeah. Well he got him off three times in a row.

Guilty as hell, but he keeps finding these loopholes.

Julie, will you just leave us alone, please.

No, no, I like the sound of this man.

How do I get hold of him?

Well, I'll give him a call.

Thanks. Yes do.

Yes? Mr. Brittas? You've heard about the car crash.

Well, maybe she'd better explain it to you herself, when she comes in.

Yes, no, no serious injuries.

Just a man with a slight limp.

He'll have more than a limp if I get another crack at him.

Excuse me?

I'll be with you in a moment, sir

The times I've told them about eating biscuits in bed.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre,

And how can I help you? -I've come about the party.

Party? -My son's birthday.

Sorry, clean sheets day always leaves me in a bit of a tizz.

And you are?

Mr. Furber. Can I go through to the pool?

Yes, of course you can, Mr.Furber, just as soon as you sign this injuries disclaimer,

this affidavit promising to abide by our voluntary noise code,

and fill in this medical questionnaire.

Mr. Brittas is putting his foot down on verrucas.

Good morning.

Oh, welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre,

and how can I help you?

John Rawlinson, I've come see Julie.

Oh, I'll just see if I can get her.

Hello, Julie?

Yes, I've a Mr. Rawlinson in Recep...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

She'll be right down.

Thank you.

That's the trouble with holidays.

Sorry?

All that catching up to do, when you get back.

Oh, John, thanks for coming.

Not at all.

She's up here. Come on.

Gosh, and you do all this as well as stripping at the pub.

How do you fit it all in?

Excuse me. Your manager, Mr.Brittas,

would he be related to a Mrs. Helen Brittas?

Yes, she's upstairs, if you want to see her.

No, no!

Don't forget Johnny's certificate -- Have a nice day.

Excuse me.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre

and how can I help you, young man?

I got this from the machine.

Oh, someone's been chewing this.

I wonder who it was?

Helen Brittas.

Would you like to take a seat?

Thank you, Julie.

I don't know what Julie told you over the phone.

Ah, not much.

She just said, if I wasn't around here in 20 minutes

my new Mercedes would be torched.

And wouldn't it be a pity if someone was in it at the time.

I think it was a joke. Although one can never be entirely sure with Julie.

Mrs. Brittas has been accused of a very serious offence.

In broad outline...

Yes? Mr. Brittas? Yes, yes, yes, right.

He's starting his interview,

so can we not ring him for the next two hours.

Excuse me,

but have we met before?

I don't think so.

Sorry.

Mrs. Brittas spent last night in police custody

and has been accused of attempted murder.

I've got it.

Two years ago, in the High Street,

you gave birth to twins outside the Cheltenham and Gloucester.

You weren't there, were you?

I was the one you grabbed by the wrist, and asked to kill the man in the blazer.

Perhaps we should get back to this attempted murder.

Yes, I'm sorry. My fault.

Right, tell me all about it.

Well, it was Jonathan's parents' evening.

We've got a rat!

What?

A kid found a rat in the snacks machine, and it's, oh, it's trying to get out of it.

Oh, for goodness sake, Gavin!

Look, I'm sorry to interrupt

but there are two more in the kitchen.

One of them jumped out on Mrs. Delgado.

She's gone home and Tim wants to know

who's going to cook the birthday lunch?

I have to sort this out, Helen,

I'm sorry, I'll be back, as soon as I can.

Come on, Gavin.

You were actually there, were you?

Sorry?

In the High Street? Oh, I must've looked awful.

Oh, I thought you looked wonderful.

Oh, that's how they're getting in.

You'd better get a ladder.

What for?

If we can throw some of the bags off the top,

we may be able to limit it to rats who can jump 10 feet.

Hey, we've got two more in the changing rooms.

What?

Rats! Patrick found them fighting over a corn plaster.

And the really bad news is the one in the pool.

Oh, God!

Well, can't we just take it out?

Weil's disease, Gavin.

Yeah, it'll mean emptying the pool,

scrubbing it down, refilling it. Five days minimum.

And I thought this was going to be a quiet day.

Makes you wonder what's gonna happen next, don't it?

Colin!

Ah, Laura!

Why are you wearing pyjamas?

Protective clothing, Laura, and a good thing too.

A burst gasket has already soaked my front with potassium chlorate.

Why all this weedkiller?

Mr. Brittas's orders.

He wants me to get rid of all that grass.

The cricket pitch?

Mr. Brittas said it was unsightly, and he wanted rid of it, I think...

He meant the path the other side of the building.

The weeds, the unsightly weeds, Colin.

He was very definite.

If you spill so much as one drop on that pitch,

you'll have more than a burst gasket down your front.

Honestly, I'm beginning to see how he feels.

I know it would cost money, but I believe that every child

in Europe has the right, the fundamental human right,

to a foundation course in trampolining before the age of 12.

Now, I may only be a simple Leisure Centre Manager,

but I have -- a dream.

Excuse me, one moment, please.

Brittas. What is it, Colin?

Well, of course I meant the path.

Why would I want you to destroy a cricket pitch?

And remember to get rid of anything left over.

The weed killer, Colin.

It's just, I'm a tad concerned that a small child

might come along and pour some into its eyes.

Right, bye.

Sorry about that. Where were we?

Mr. Brittas, I was...

Uh, uh, uh, I think the little chap was first.

Now, I'm sorry about the pool, but I wouldn't want to spoil your party.

Mr. Jolly's pixies have been very busy putting up a trampoline in the gym.

There'll be ropes to swing on, and all sorts of games.

Why can't we swim?

Weil's disease.

What?

Tim!

Causes brain damage, spinal paralysis, blindness.

Mr. Jolly, would you like to take the children to the gymnasium.

I was only saying... -Now!

Okay, follow me, everyone.

Mr. Jolly, if you remember, the children aren't supposed to do anything you say

unless you use your hooter.

Come on, everyone, this way.

If one of you would like to come up to my office

just before you go, I'll organise some kind of refund.

I'm sorry.

It's her, you know.

Who?

Mrs. Brittas. She's behind all this.

She's trying to make you say last night was an accident...

Come on, Valerie, that's ridiculous.

It's just coincidence.

I found this in your case.

I know where you live and I'm going to get you.

There's eight kids. You'll need two of those.

Oh, right.

Oh, and the other thing is the cake, it needs icing.

Oh, I think I can cope with that. As long as I can find some icing sugar.

Let's see, ah, ha!

I really appreciate this, Gavin, you're a star.

I'll see you later.

Ah!

Ah!

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Brittas. Well, I think I can manage,

it's just the cake, really.

Well, I thought I might do something with sparklers.

That is if the rats have left me any sugar.

No, well, I've just found that they've nibbled away

the corner of the... Throw it away!

Immediately! All of it!

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Pool's closed till Thursday, Carole.

Sorry, Laura?

There's no power in the multi-gym,

something has gnawed through a cable.

We're not allowed to use the snacks machine

and don't sell any tickets for the sauna.

A rat has just died on the hot coals.

Goodness, it's funny, isn't it? -What?!

Well, we all thought things would be different with Mr. Brittas away,

but they're just like normal, aren't they?

Haven't you got any work to do, Carole?

Yes, of course, I'm terribly sorry.

God, I'm beginning to sound like him, now.

I've just had a very worrying phone call from Mr. Brittas, Carole.

Oh, no, what now?

Apparently, we have rats in the building.

Oh, that.

Do you have a Yellow Pages?

Yes, of course.

Now, come on, Ben.

Top of page 15, and watch out for the F#.

I am somewhat on the horns of a dilemma here, Carole.

On the one hand, clearly we have to get rid of the little fellows.

But on the other hand, I wouldn't like to hurt them.

They are all God's little creatures after all,

with as much right to life as ourselves.

What I'm ideally looking for is

a rodent operative who will capture them humanely

and release them back into the wild.

Colin, what's happening?

I'm not sure, but I think we may have found the answer to our problems!

Okay, rat man's coming this afternoon.

Engineers are emptying the pool, starting one o'clock.

An electrician will be here at four.

And you'll cancel the swimming gala.

Oh, nice to see everything going so well.

Honestly, I don't know what's the matter with this place today.

If I was Colin, I'd reckon we're under some kind of curse.

It's like there's this invisible force.

Hello, Mr. Brittas.

Don't worry, I'll tell him you're still trapped in the lift.

Sorry, that took so long, Helen.

All rather more complicated than I thought.

Everything alright?

Yes, yes, it's fine.

Just thought I'd dropped something.

So what have you decided? -How do you mean?

About the case? How does it look?

Well, yes, we've been talking about that

and I think you're, I think you're right.

It is fairly serious.

It is, it is.

But not impossible. In an ideal world, of course,

you wouldn't have signed a confession.

Oh, yes, I don't know what I was thinking about.

But don't worry, we do have a few things going for us.

Like what?

Well, for a start, he was only a teacher, so the jury will be on our side.

And, more importantly, I believe you said there weren't any witnesses.

Oh no, I looked round to make sure.

Good, so it's just this man, Furber.

So if we can just find some way of getting to him.

Getting to him?

I think Helen has in mind asking a friend of Julie's

to go round and break his legs.

Not necessarily his legs.

I mean. I think we could try something a little less obvious first.

Oh, it'll be alright, he's only an English teacher,

he's not P.E. or anything.

There are other pressures we can bring to bear.

Now, if we find they're not getting us anywhere...

Then we can break his legs.

If my theory is right, Carole,

we can not only clear The Centre of its rats,

but I can have them back in their natural habitat, unharmed by teatime.

Right. Good.

Give us the one about the little tin soldiers, Ben.

Sit down!

That's five with fruit, two without,

and the one with the runny nose wants a banana.

Oh, children, I'll tell you what

we're well out of it! -How's it going, really?

Oh, brilliant, the mother's sobbing in the corner.

Dad's telling everyone to hurry up so they can go home.

And birthday boy has just told me

that I'm not as much fun as the last Mr. Jolly.

Did he?

All I need now to make my happiness complete, is...

Mr. Brittas. It's for you.

Gavin, how's it going?

I'm in a bit of a rush myself, Gavin.

It's just this cake you're making.

You did say sparklers, didn't you?

No, I don't think it's a bad idea, Gavin,

I just think we need to be aware of the potential fire hazard.

Can you keep the noise down, please?

I'm still on a call.

Gavin, I need you to check that you do have two fire extinguishers.

Quick as you can please Gavin, I've got to reply to a vote of thanks in a minute.

Good, and a fire blanket beside the cooker

and two fire buckets outside in the corridor.

Only one fire bucket, I'm afraid, Mr. Brittas.

I don't know what happened to the other one?

Colin took it. -What?

The other bucket, he wanted to mix his weed killer.

Did you hear that, Mr. Brittas?

Well, I'm actually serving jelly just at the moment.

He's going to ask someone else.

Hello? Oh, Mr. Brittas. Well, I was having a shower.

A fire bucket, outside the emergency exit,

immediately, but... Right.

Colin, did you take a fire bucket, Colin?

I certainly did, Gavin.

I was using it to...

Only Mr. Brittas says it ought to be back in the corridor.

Are those your pyjamas?

I thought I better put them in here.

I was worried if I left them on the open tip

some small animal might eat them and die.

They are rather soaked in potassium chlorate, you see.

You won't forget the fire bucket, will you?

I'll bring it back as soon as I've emptied it.

Hello? Oh, Mr. Brittas. Yes, yes, I've got it,

Fill it with sand, right.

Oh, I'll have a look.

As a matter of fact...

Just keep the lid on. Those contents are rather poisonous.

You'll have to speak up, Linda.

Monsieur Gordon Brittas.

I'll be with you in just a moment, alright?

I think the best thing to do is empty it down the toilet.

Linda, I don't have a great deal of time.

Just go to the Ladies and pour it down the pan.

Would you mind if I use the gents?

Just do it, Linda.

Sorry about that.

Monsieur le President, Monsignor, mes dames, monsieurs, fellow Europeans.

J'ai un reve...

Okay, as I see it, our best chance is a three-pronged defence.

One, we point out the physiological factors.

You did say you're on some sort of medication?

Well, most sorts, I think.

Good, second, we emphasise that this was very much

spur of the moment, an act of passion

and in no way, premeditated.

Right, I'll burn all the drawings.

And three, we point out the extreme provocation.

Oh, that sounds wonderful, John, it really does.

What was it?

I'm sorry?

The extreme provocation.

Well, I, I believe you said he'd been consistently

under marking your son in his English.

All term, he's never given him a decent mark, ever.

That's it?

I spent two days on his last homework, Laura.

Do you know what he got? -- A "D".

And something about "had he read the book?"

Well, of course I read the bloody book.

So that's why you drove a car at him,

because he gave you a "D" in English?

This is exam work, Laura. Much more of this, and he's going to fail his GCSE.

You can't go around killing people

because they give you bad marks in English!

Have any idea what it's like trying to get a job these days?

Ladies, ladies, please.

I think we're all rather missing the point here.

Whether Helen should or should not have driven her car

at this man is not important.

Not important?

What matters now is that nothing happens to her as a result.

Fortunately, the man was not badly injured and...

We've had someone bitten on the bottom now.

There's a toilet full of rats.

Oh, and the birthday party's off, as well.

You got little kiddies down in Reception all sobbing their hearts out.

Excuse me.

It's like he'd never gone.

She's right.

I'm sorry.

Laura, I shouldn't have done it, should I?

Maybe not.

So, what do we do now?

Well, I suggest we go around to the hotel, and I buy you a jolly good lunch.

Afraid I'm not really very hungry.

We could just go to the hotel.

Yes, alright.

That's my cake, Tim, what are you doing? -They've gone, Gavin, nobody wants it.

I went out with the xylophone to play Happy Birthday

and there was nobody there.

But why?

I don't know, they just disappeared.

There hasn't been a bomb warning nobody's told us about, has there?

Brittas, I know it is.

Somehow he's organised a toilet full of rats from 300 miles away.

I'm sorry, Laura... -You're lucky that's all he's done.

Who else has he been talking to?

Colin, what's he been telling Colin to do?

You mean apart from putting the weed killer on the cricket pitch?

Apart from putting weed killer on the...

Colin had 30 bags of weed killer by the emergency exit.

And they weren't there when I came back.

What's he done with them?

I think he threw them away.

Mr. Brittas told him to...

I think that's how he got confused about the fire bucket,

Colin threw away a hundred weight of weed killer? Where?

It's alright, he put it in the dustbin.

I saw him when I took round the icing sugar.

What icing sugar?

Well, Gavin rang from the kitchen to ask if he could borrow some

and I happened to have an extra pack.

What did Gavin want sugar for?

He's got a cupboard full of it.

Yeah, but the rats ate that, well, some of it.

That's why Brittas told him to throw it away.

He put weed killer -- sugar...

He couldn't have, could he?

You've got to give in, Graham.

No!

Go to the police, tell them you made a mistake last night.

That woman tried to kill me!

And she's not going to stop trying, is she?

Not until you give in.

Look, we're nearly safe. Once we get out of The Centre,

she can't touch us.

What's that?

Told you. You wouldn't listen.

Quick, get in the car.

Brittas. Helen, thank goodness.

I've been trying to ring you all day.

Now, what this I hear about you driving into a classroom last night?

I heard something about someone pressing charges?

They've withdrawn them?

Excellent news.

Now, what sort of a day have you had?

You certainly sound cheerful enough my darling.

With a friend in a hotel, that's nice.

Not so badly, my love.

Bookies still have me down as favourite.

So, fingers crossed, eh?

Yes, final interview in the morning.

Alright, my love. Oh, Helen, just one thing.

How did it go at my Centre today?