Original subtitles

Songs of Praise, comes this week from Whitbury New Town.

From the building which, one man at least

had argued is the real heart of the community.

The Leisure Centre, newly rebuilt after the tragic fire which destroyed it last summer.

Aaaand where do you think you're going?

Well, I was just- -What?

Just going in there.

I'm afraid you can't. Not these toilets.

You're here to sing hymns, aren't you?

Yes.

Yeah, so in that case you use the facilities that have been arranged for you.

You go through the gymnasium, across the car park,

and you'll find some toilets just on the far side of the rugby field, alright?

Hello, can you hear that?

Yes, right.

Oh, Mr. Brittas

Sorry about the delay, Pamela.

May I take this opportunity of extending a very warm welcome to our Leisure Centre.

If there's anything all I can do to help the day go more smoothly,

you only have to say.

Well, thank you, actually we were rather hoping

to be started by now, but nobody seems to be allowed in.

No!

We do have to have to practise singing the hymns.

Yes, of course, Pam,

and the door shall be open

just as soon as I have staff available to marshal people's behaviour.

Ah, these two gentlemen have very kindly...

Unfortunately I've gotta take them away.

We've got a special staff meeting you see.

A staff meeting? What about our interview?

Looking forward to it enormously Pam.

Can we put it on a 20 minute hold, though? Tim, Gavin, this way.

Pam, could you make sure your people don't use the toilets.

We've just had The Centre rebuilt,

we're a bit concerned about vandalism, alright?

Hello Carole. -Hello Laura.

It's wonderful to be back? Everything's so new and shiny.

Yes. Children don't mind? -What?

Moving back into drawers.

No, no, I think they're looking forward to it.

Which reminds me, I ought to unpack them, oughtn't I?

Are they in one of these?

I've packed them separately this time, Laura,

we've had a few squabbles recently, I'm afraid.

They should be in the ones with the air holes.

Like this?

Oh, well done. Thank you, this is Ben.

And these must be the twins. -Which?

The one marked "Cat Food."

And, no, no, no this one's a microwave.

There you go Ben.

Good morning everybody!

All set for the big day?

Helen, I didn't think you were coming?

Oh, not the service, no, but I'm being interviewed.

Well, at least Gordon is, but I have to be there too.

We're a team!

I thought you've always avoided things like this?

Ta-dah!

Today, I can do anything! -Pills? What are they?

No idea. Got them from Jonathan's chemistry teacher.

He sells them outside the school gates.

I suppose he's raising money for school funds, or something.

I think they're meant to give you a bit of a sort of lift.

Actually, they give you a buzz,

like sticking two fingers in the mains socket.

That's 20 quid well spent.

Well they seem to be working.

They do, don't they?

The only trouble is, they only last for about half an hour,

after that, you fall asleep.

So as long as Gordon is not late...

We can always hope, hmm?

Is that Mr. Brittas' book?

Yes, he seems to think Pam Rhodes might like a signed copy.

I only read the bits they serialised in the paper,

but I found them most -- uplifting. -Did you?

You didn't like it?

It was probably my mood, but I couldn't sort of get into it, you know.

He's had such an interesting life, hasn't he?

Fires, drownings, explosions!

I can't think of anyone else who's done all the things he has.

I don't think any of us can.

I'm all in favour of helping them Gavin,

but let's do it in an orderly fashion, shall we?

Staff room everyone. Got a lot to organise!

Gordon, Gordon what about our interview?

Looking forward it enormously, my darling.

Rather urgent staff briefing first.

Laura, two minutes.

Carole. -Yes, Mrs Brittas.

Could I have a glass of water.

Yes, of course.

So, our problem is that shortly

we will have some 800 people rehearsing hymns in our gymnasium.

All of whom will want to use the resources of this leisure centre

and our job is to make sure they don't!

I'm sorry, I'm late Mr. Brittas.

Alright Colin.

I've had a bit of trouble with this new medication

I'm taking for tension and stress.

Colin.

Basically it's a muscle relaxant, you see,

but unfortunately it has tended to relax muscles

that in an ideal world, shouldn't relax at all.

Colin, we've got an awful lot to get through.

Righto, Mr. Brittas.

Right, now the most important thing

is to contain the public in this area here,

which is sealed off by the corridors marked in red.

Now, just in case anyone breaks through

I want roving patrols in the areas marked yellow,

and then...

What is it Gavin?

It's just a thought Mr. Brittas,

but if 800 people really want to use The Centre,

why don't we let them?

Allow them into The Centre?! -Yes!

I bet we can make a lot of money, especially in the canteen.

Tell him, someone please.

Laura.

Mr. Brittas is worried about the pigeonholes, Gavin.

We're talking about public safety, Gavin.

We cannot allow the public into The Centre

until our communication system is in full working order.

We could take away the toilet paper, Mr. Brittas.

Pardon?

That way, if anyone broke through the patrols

and tried to use a toilet, they'd get a real surprise!

If I may say so, Mr. Brittas some of us...

Nobody is taking anything away, Linda.

This is Songs of Praise. We're not conducting a war.

We want people to feel welcome, alright.

Over to you, Laura.

Okay, the actual recording starts tonight at 6 o'clock.

That's 1800 hours.

But Mr. Brittas wants us all on our seats an 1.5 hours earlier,

for a fingernail and underwear inspection.

Did I say that?!

No, no, I think I made that one up.

Right, we will be sitting here, in the seats marked in green.

So does that mean we're in the front row?

Yes, that's right. -Oh great!

Give me the card please, Timothy.

You know what I'm talking about.

May I just remind you all

that we are representing the entire leisure industry

on a premier national television broadcast.

We want people to switch on and say,

"What a fine bunch of people they are?

"Athletic, dignified, attractive..."

Mr. Brittas, sorry,

I can't seem to see my name in the front row, Mr. Brittas.

No, unfortunately Carole, we ran out of seats.

You and Colin will be sitting -- there.

That's outside, is it?

Yes, Colin, we'll leave the doors open,

so you'll be able to hear most of what goes on, alright.

Laura, if you'd like to give out the badges, please.

Now, I'd ask you to wear these in a prominent position,

so that if you are "on-shot" as they say in TV land...

Is that what I think it is, Carole?

I'm sorry Mr. Brittas. -Take it out please.

She can't seem to settle in her new drawer!

Outside, Carole please. -Yes, Mr Brittas.

I don't think the BBC will allow us to wear these,

not before the watershed.

It's just a harmless bit of advertising, for Whitbury, Julie.

Oh, it's Whitbury, is it? -What?

It's the printers, I'm afraid Mr. Brittas.

They've put an "S" instead of the W.

Life isn't perfect for any of us,

so if you can just bend your knees.

There's a good girl.

Oh, Councillor Drugett.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre,

and how may I help you?

Is it my imagination or are the doors all locked?

Yes they are.

It's such a shame. We so wanted to be open by today.

I think after being closed for a season

and spending 3.5 million pounds, most of us were.

Is there any particular reason this time?

I'm afraid, it's the pigeonholes.

Apparently they are not working properly.

Yes. Well, could I see Mr. Brittas

I'm afraid he's very busy organising Songs of Praise at the moment,

but I'm sure he'll have time to explain it to you.

Communication Jack, is the basis of my management style.

If my staff don't know what they're doing. -Oh, quite.

So let's imagine I've just issued

a detailed warning to them about what to do in the event of, say --

an acid spillage in the pool pump area.

Yes!? -This is what happens.

What? What happens?

The fault is intermittent Jack,

but if you wait, you'll see what I mean.

While we're waiting, Gordon, I wonder if

I could ask you why you've cancelled the army?

The army?

600 men from the Parachute Regiment,

wanted to pay to use this place for fitness training

while their new barracks is built.

I gather you said no.

I had no choice, Jack. -No choice?

Jack, I'm as loyal a supporter of the armed forces as any man.

A more upstanding group of Her Majesty servants, you couldn't ask for.

But, as I said to the Colonel,

to your average Joe tabloid squash court,

the army is sadly perceived

as a bunch of drunken squaddies marauding the streets.

You said that? -I did, I did!

"Colonel, if we let your men in here,

we lose the families.

We lose the ordinary decent people

who won't feel comfortable bringing

their wives and daughters."

There we are Jack, on safety grounds alone,

I cannot allow The Centre to be open

until the builders have rectified this fault.

"Monday week," they say.

All set in the Weights room, Mr. Brittas.

Right Laura. Jack if you'll excuse me,

I have to go for an interview on nationwide television.

Laura perhaps the Councillor would like a cup of coffee.

Sure. -Thank you!

20p please Jack, in the honesty box.

I'm glad to see you two have made it up.

Well, it was my fault entirely, Laura.

Hardly. -No, no.

Next time he shouts, "Oi, you!"

I shan't waste any time thinking

what's is he on about now,

I shall simply step back

before the scaffolding pole lands on my foot.

I see he's shown you the pigeonholes.

Yes.

He has to go, Laura.

You're not gonna try and fire him again, are you?

No, no, The Sun's "Get behind Gordon" campaign

knocked that one on the head.

Well, he's not gonna leave any other way.

No!

Managing The Centre is all he's ever wanted. Milk?

It's his dream.

Unless we give him a bigger dream.

Huh! Is that possible?

I only heard about this last week.

What do you think?

Golly!

I'm here in the Weights room of Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre,

with the manager, Gordon Brittas.

Now he tells me that there's nothing that he and his wife, Helen,

enjoy more than coming down here and working out together.

Not at all Pam.

Now, Gordon, you came to national attention last year

when your centre blew up, and you rescued three small children.

He got a medal.

And you've written a book about your experiences

I believe.

The profits of which are to go to the charity

that you started - Leisure In The Third World.

Yes, indeed Pam.

There are parts of our lovely planet

that have never even seen a vaulting horse,

and my plan...

He wants to send one-- to Mozambique. A whole crew flew out...

Mrs. Brittas, would you mind if I just spoke

to your husband first and we'll come and talk to you later?

Sorry, sorry.

We'll go from the second paragraph.

Now, Gordon, you came to national attention last year when your...

Just one. I'll be alright in a minute.

Okay? We'll go again.

Now this book that you've written,

you're going to give all of the proceeds to the charity that you...

Thank goodness, I've found you Mr. Brittas.

There's been a terrible accident.

I'm busy Colin.

And I'm not sure even sure it was an accident.

It seems the perfect job for him.

European Commissioner for Leisure.

Brussels, Laura. -Yes.

A pointless bureaucracy

spending vast amounts of public money.

It's all the things he's good at.

And it's a long way from Whitbury.

Exactly!

Obviously it needs to be presented in a very careful way.

If he thinks you're presenting it at all, you've blown it!

He's not going to be interested in anything he hasn't thought of himself.

You understand him so well Laura.

Mmm. -Which is why I wondered...

Ah! -Well, nothing direct, you understand.

Just a casual mention

that you've seen something interesting in the paper.

I'm afraid not.

No? -I'm sorry, Jack it's just...

Look, Mr. Brittas doesn't have a great many friends.

And if one of the two he has

starts going behind his back playing politics.

I don't know, it just feels wrong somehow.

Yes, well, I'll just have to do the best I can.

I'm sorry.

No, that's fine.

If you think you can live with it.

What?

Friendship and loyalty are all very well, Laura,

but when the bodies start piling up again,

and they will, sooner or later,

I think I'd like to know

that I've done everything I could to prevent it.

There's an awful lot about Laura in here.

"Fortunately, my quick thinking, assistant Laura"

"without the ever resourceful, Laura"

She gets three whole columns in the index.

Really?

What does he say about me? -Oh, let's have a look.

Whistler Tim, page 43.

That's it, one mention?

It's that bit, when he says what he thought when he first met us.

"And finally, there was Tim.

That's one little mystery unravelled. -What?

I've solved the riddle of the pigeonholes. Come and see.

It suddenly came to me when I was putting up that

"This is a Frown Free Zone" notice.

Bear with me,

Julie, give me a few seconds, alright?

Watch.

Good, eh?

Goodness! -What did you do?

Well, it had to be some sort of vibration,

like a door slamming, and I suddenly thought to myself,

"What door gets slammed more often than any other in The Centre?"

Brittas' office.

Which happens to be directly above that wall.

Perfect, what we do about it, I'm not sure.

Perhaps if we wedge Mr. Brittas' door open.

Or nail it permanently closed.

I'll go and tell him about it, anyway.

Who knows? With an architect, a structural surveyor

and a dozen or so carpenters,

we could be open by the weekend.

Laura! Come quickly. There's been another accident.

On the other hand...

How can anyone do a thing like that?

It's not as if it was appearing on TV Mr. Brittas.

What?

It can make some people very nervous.

Well I think it's a grudge.

What are you burbling about, Gavin?

Well, we used to have a boy at school who used to do that sort of thing, Mr. Brittas.

If he didn't like you, he'd open up your desk and...

We're talking a congregation of Songs of Praise, Gavin.

Now I think the most helpful thing anyone could do,

is get this lot cleared up.

You'll need a shovel, Colin

Wilco, Mr. Brittas.

Gordon, what the hell is going on?

Careful where you tread, my darling.

We're supposed to be downstairs during our interview.

Apologies my love, unfortunately...

At this rate I'm gonna need another pill,

and he said, if you take more than three and you're out.

There's another lot down here, Mr. Brittas

What? -Just round the corner.

It appears to be pretty fresh.

Gordon, if this interview doesn't happen within the hour...

No, I'm coming right away, my darling.

Gavin, get a bucket. Any other problems come up,

I do not want to know.

Hey, you've got a bishop unconscious in the sauna now.

A tall chap, pointy hat, a big lump on the back of his head.

What is going on around here?

Well, I'm wondering if we haven't got another serial killer?

Alright, I'll deal with it. Follow me.

Gordon. -Ah, Mrs. Brittas.

I was wondering if now might be a good time to talk to your husband.

Well... -Only he's not in his office.

No.

I'm so sorry, I just have to go and do...

Sorry... -Good grief, what's that?

Oh, I don't know.

They thought it might be a serial killer or something.

I'm sorry, I'm really gonna have to get...

He'll be back here in a minute.

Quiet, attention please everyone. Sit down, disperse, sit down please.

Right. Now.

Just to keep you informed.

The good news is that Bishop Tom has regained consciousness.

Though not, unfortunately his speech.

Do we know who attacked him?

We don't know that anyone attacked him, Carole.

Well something hit him on the head.

He fell off the viewing platform, Julie.

He's bound to have the odd bruise.

What about Councillor Drugett?

I'm coming to that.

What happened to Councillor Drugett?

He's been knifed all down his chest.

There was blood everywhere!

Please, please, please, please.

We do not know that he's been knifed.

It's much more likely he tripped on the carpet,

and fell on his keys.

What!?

Well, that's three attacks in two hours.

I think we should clear the building Mr. Brittas?

Yes. -Yes.

Laura, have you any idea how long it takes

Songs of Praise to come to a place like this?

I refuse to clear the building until we know it's more than just a coincidence.

However, just in case there is someone of an antagonistic disposition,

I am prepared to organise a search.

Oh, I see. He's going to split us up

and let whoever it is, pick us off one by one.

Why don't we call the police? -Yes!

The police have been informed, Laura.

And what did they say?

I said there was a possibility

and I emphasised the fact, it was just a possibility,

that there may well be a serial killer in The Centre,

and Sergeant Fairburn said

he'd pop round on his way home this evening.

We're gonna die, we're all gonna die!

Nobody's going to die, Timothy, as long as we behave sensibly,

act intelligently and keep calm.

Mr. Brittas. -Not now Colin.

She's alright, she's perfectly alright.

What are you talking about, Colin?

Your wife, I've just found her unconscious

on the floor of the Ladies. -Helen!

Gently with my little lady.

Right, gently, there we go.

Right Linda, you know what to do.

Yes Mr. Brittas.

Is she badly hurt?

Right, let's find out Laura.

Not now Gordon, I'm too tired.

Helen, are you alright? -What?

What did he do to you, my darling?

He took my pills.

Did he harm you in any way?

I said he took my pills. There were 14 in that bag.

Alright, my love, alright.

It's not alright, Gordon he's eaten them all.

Can you describe him?

And Jonathan doesn't have another chemistry lesson til Thursday.

Look my sweet, I know you've just been

through a dreadful experience, but try and think,

what was he wearing? -He wasn't wearing anything.

Nothing, not even underpants?

Don't be stupid Gordon,

why on earth would an ostrich be wearing underpants?

What?

I said why would be wearing underpants?

An ostrich!?

You were attacked by an ostrich?

I keep telling you, I wasn't attacked,

he just took my bloody pills.

Right now, before you go, just a reminder,

I do not want any heroics.

If you find the bird,

do not approach it under any circumstances,

but report back to my office, alright?

We are quite sure, are we Mr. Brittas? -What?

Well that Mrs. Brittas did actually see an ostrich?

You think she imagined it or something Gavin?

No, no, no, no, absolutely not.

And she did have the place evacuated on New Year's Eve

because of a giant millipede.

That was a simple misunderstanding, Timothy.

Well, didn't she claim it was trying to have sex with her?

My wife is on a hay fever remedy with unfortunate side effects, Julie.

It's definitely an ostrich, Gavin.

Thank you, Colin.

I've been examining this sample.

Took this from a pile on the second floor.

Colin.

I should have recognised it earlier,

but it was only when I examined it closely...

Colin!

We'll talk about it later, alright?

To your search areas please, everyone,

and remember, if you see, or hear the bird

report back to the office.

And if the tabloid press get to hear about this, Julie,

I'll know who's responsible.

It came from the Safari Park.

It disappeared sometime last night. It's actually an emu.

Right, what are they gonna do about it?

They'll have a man around here by 5 o'clock.

Five!

Well they've only got one van, and it's delivering a panda to Swindon.

What are we supposed to do till then?

They didn't actually know.

Unfortunately their flightless bird expert is away on a day conference.

Their seal and walrus man suggested that we put a rope around it.

Why did it have to come here?

Did you know that the Safari Park runs alongside the army camp?

The army camp? The army camp!

The Paras are not the wisest people to have offended, Mr. Brittas.

Their Colonel was pretty upset.

You think they did it on purpose?

Oh, yeah!

I think you're lucky they only went for a practical joke.

A joke?! We have an ostrich loose in a leisure centre

and they call it a joke?

Yes? They found it!

Come on!

He's in the end cubicle, Mr. Brittas

I think he probably scented water.

I can't see anything.

Well he's got his head stuck in a fire bucket.

It's probably the only sand he could find.

Good grief! -I've got an idea.

I don't wanna hear your ideas, Colin.

Wouldn't the safest thing be just to leave it in there?

I'm not having an ostrich in my disabled toilet, Laura.

I want that bird out now!

My idea, Mr. Brittas... -I've warned you Colin.

I think we should keep our voices down, Mr. Brittas.

He can't get out of there can it?

With 14 of those pills, he can probably fly.

I'm ready when you're Mr. Brittas

Right, thank you Linda.

He's all yours.

Just show me where he is,

Mr. Brittas!

Over there, in that one.

Go on. Kill it!

I'm sorry Mr. Brittas, I can't.

But, you said downstairs,

anyone who lays a finger on a bishop deserves to have their brain splattered.

There's a wall, get splattering.

It's an animal. -Yes.

When you said you'd found out who was doing all the damage,

I thought you meant a person.

I can shoot a person,

but I just can't shoot an ostrich.

You're sure you wouldn't like to hear my idea now, Mr. Brittas?

What is it Colin?

These muscle relaxants I've been taking

are very powerful! -Yes Colin.

Now I thought if we give the ostrich a handful

You think I'm gonna persuade an ostrich to swallow your pills?

Not exactly pills Mr. Brittas. They're suppositories.

Go away, Colin.

I only have to do this, I just use this bamboo pole...

I said, go away, Colin.

Give me the rope Gavin.

Right, this is what will happen.

I will open the toilet door,

tie the rope around the bird's neck and lead it out.

You Colin, will go ahead, clearing the way,

and then you will help me tether the bird to the bicycle rack outside,

where we will await representatives from the Safari Park.

Now, just in case this bird attempts any form of resistance,

the rest of you should retreat to a place of safety.

Go on then.

Who's a pretty boy then?

Colin help me!

Help!

Colin, help!

Help me to get it out.

I think I've got it.

Broken bones over there please.

Anyone who came in contact with the beak,

over there for inoculations.

Pam, you're quite sure are you?

What?

About not going on with the broadcast.

It's just I'm sure we could find another organist.

If push comes to shove, I could probably play myself.

Can we go now, please?

Well, when you're feeling better, and you want to arrange another date,

just give me a call, alright?

Here, a present for you.

A little memento to help you remember your visit.

I've signed it.

"For Pat,

Sorry you got a bit pecked!"

You take it easy now!

The last of the ambulances is gone Laura.

Good!

I thought we were quite lucky really.

It could have been a lot worse.

54 serious injuries. It seems bad enough?

Funny isn't it?

Funny?

How things turn out Laura.

You know, I've spent the last eight months

thinking of nothing but coming back to this place.

Managing my Centre again.

And now... -What?

Well, I know it's a terrible thing to say, Laura

but now it's actually happened,

it all seems a bit samey, you know?

Samey!?

Like I've done it all before.

I'm not saying I'm not glad to be back, Laura.

This is the best job in the world

and I'll probably still be doing it in 20 years time.

20 years.

But it's just, I've always wondered

if perhaps there isn't something more.

You know, painting on a broader canvas.

Still, shouldn't worry you with my troubles, Laura.

No.

Would you-- excuse me a minute.

I've left something somewhere.

Builders, builders, builders.

European Commissioner!

Did you call me?

Laura, I've just had the most extraordinary idea.