Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love, love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

We'd like to welcome you to our special cruise

to cabo San Lucas

to celebrate the 200th voyage of the pacific Princess.

Excuse me.

I know...Yes?

Are you the captain?

Yes, I'm captain stubing.

I'm Karen Cooper. This is my husband, Larry.

It's my pleasure.

Thank you. Uh, which way is --

Mr. and Mrs. Cooper, I'd like to have you meet Peter duchin.

He and his orchestra will be

entertaining at our special 200th cruise party

our final night.

Oh.

Yes, I love playing these cruises.

It's just like a paid vacation.

Peter duchin, eddy's boy?

Oh, he was terrific in "the eddy duchin story,"

one of my favorite movies.

Actually, Tyrone power was in the movie.

Oh.

Really?

Everybody called him eddy.

Why don't we let this nice, young man go find his piano?

We'll go find our cabin.

Very nice meeting you. Thank you.

I'll see you later, captain.

Bye-bye.

Well, enjoy the cruise.

Captain, which way is aloha 302?

Ah, through those doors to the left and down one deck.

Thank you.

Yeah, we -- we reserved that cabin special.

It -- it was recommended by a guy I met...

In the supermarket line.

Right.

How about we stop yapping and get to that cabin?

It's a second honeymoon. She can't wait to get me alone.

Wow.

I'm George Hammond, and this is my wife, Mary.

Well, welcome to our 200th cruise.

Thank you.

"Have tractor. Will travel."

George is a tractor salesman,

best in his district.

They call him the Lee iacocca of the corn belt.

Excuse me, Judy, Andy warhol is here.

[ Gasps ] Andy warhol?

Well, you know, the artist.

He's gonna be on this cruise?

Yes.

He's gonna help us celebrate our 200th voyage.

He's gonna pick some lucky passenger

and paint her portrait.

Hmm.

[ Gasping, indistinct conversations ]

Hey.

Come on, George.

Hello. I'm...

Andy warhol.

And this is...

Ramon, your executive assistant.

I've read all about you.

Welcome to our 200th cruise, Mr. Warhol.

Uh, you and your party are on the promenade deck.

I'll show you the way.

I was wondering, how does an artist

know when a painting is truly successful?

When the check's cleared.

Excuse me, doc, can I see you a minute?

Thank you. Excuse us. Just a moment.

Pardon us. Excuse me.

What?

Doc, doc.

Huh?

You gotta help me, or I'm gonna lose my job.

What?

Do you remember, last month,

I threw that surprise birthday party for Isaac in my office?

Sure, I do.

Now, can you keep your job?

I spilled some champagne on some files,

and after I dried everything off and I put everything away,

I couldn't find a receipt for a ton of butter.

You're gonna lose your job over one piece of paper?

Doc, Lionel Douglas is coming on the ship today

to do his yearly audit of my books.

The man loves to torture me.

He says it helps him relax to watch me hyperventilate.

Gopher, every year he comes to audit your books.

Every year you go crazy.

Every year you pass the audit.

When Lionel Douglas finds out that I cannot account

for a ton of butter, I'll be grooming chihuahuas in Moscow.

Aloha 302, bingo.

[ Whistles ]

How much did this cost you?

Everything I saved while you were in jail.

Well, what if the stamp isn't here?

Don't say that.

It's here.

Let's get started.

Yesterday I'm in prison.

Today I'm with you.

Couldn't we get something else started first?

Oh, honey.

You've been away for five years.

Let's find the stamp, and then --

then we can get to know each other again, all right?

Okay.

Jimmy was a little nuts, you know?

He could have hidden that stamp anywhere.

Let's find this thing.

Hand me a screwdriver, honey.

If I'd had you boys in prison, I'd been home a lot sooner.

Larry.

I think I feel something here.

[ Knock on door ]

Get down, quick.

I can't.

My bracelet's caught.

Hello. I'm Isaac Washington, chief barman,

and this is a gift of the --

um, is there anything I can help you with?

A piece of dust way back there, hard to grip.

I think I could get it.

See, I'm allergic.

I see.

It's no problem, though.

I brought my tools with me.

Why?

So he can fix things.

My husband is a fix-it man.

Yeah.

If I can't fix it, it ain't broke.

[ Laughing ]

Oh.

Hey, well, listen, if you get a minute,

my blender button is stuck on puree.

Yeah.

If, at some time, you know...

Oh, yeah, piece of cake, piece of cake.

Whew! That was close.

Why didn't you lock the door?

I got outta the habit.

In the slammer, they lock the door for you.

Larry, help!

Oh, yeah.

[ Excited chatter ]

♪♪

Stack this stuff anywhere. I won't need it again.

[ Clears throat ]

Ah, Mr. Douglas, sir.

Oh, I was so worried about you.

I thought you'd missed the ship.

Let's not start the day with a lie.

I'll need an hour to unpack, and then we'll begin.

Sir, what say we postpone the audit?

What say we don't?

But, sir, you know, with all the festivities onboard

this trip, I'd had to have you miss all the fun.

Don't be silly.

Seeing you squirm is all the fun that I need.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, wait...Here.

Excuse me, you are such a lovely vision.

Would you mind if Andy photographed you?

Oh, thank you so much.

Judy, since when has Andy warhol become the ship's photographer?

Well, he's going around the ship taking pictures,

and then he's going to choose one for the portrait.

Hmm. Interesting.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Andy, allow me to introduce myself.

If you don't mind, please.

Certainly.

My name is Isaac Washington, and I'm the chief barman here,

and I was voted most photogenic by my high school yearbook.

Hi.

Well, if Andy does a yearbook,

I'm sure he'll call you.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Well, doc told me you got nuts whenever the auditor

came onboard, but I didn't know it was going to be this bad.

Hey, ace.

Hmm?

This guy is rough, all right?

I'm convinced one of his ancestors was the accountant

for the Spanish inquisition.

Here.

All righty.

Well...

You find anything yet?

Yeah. Yeah, I found something.

I found that I'm being paid

half of what the previous photographer got.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about that I also

have the honor of being the lowest-paid crew member.

Hey, wait a minute, you're not supposed to be looking at this.

I know, but --

this is purser stuff.

I know, but --

do I look at photographer stuff?

Well, no.

Mr. Douglas, sir.

I, uh, I trust I'm not too late to rake you over the coals.

Shall we get started?

Well, I better go do some photographer stuff.

Yes, you better.

Yes, all right.

Thank you.

[ Door closes ]

Karen, it's not here...Anywhere.

[ Gasps ]

Where could Jimmy have hidden a tiny, little stamp?

You're sure this is his room?

Aloha deck 302.

I know it's here somewhere, behind a wall, under a rug,

by the pillow.

Here.

[ Both grunting ]

Okay, uh...

Now you're makin' a mess.

[ Spitting ]

[ Mutters ]

What?

Something's in here.

What is it?

I got you, got you.

Hey.

What is it?

[ Spitting ]

Oh, my god.

"Inspected by number 19."

Well, if the stamp was in there,

number 19's got it.

How does this keep happening to us?

It's not fair.

We knew it was a long shot.

When are we ever gonna get a break?

Honey...

I'll take care of you.

Oh.

It may not be as good as it used to be.

I promise I'll take care of you.

Mrs. Hammond, is that you?

Is something wrong?

Want to talk about it?

But I just can't.

Mrs. Hammond, you look so sad.

If you don't talk to someone,

you're going to ruin your whole cruise.

You don't know anybody in Colby, Kansas, do you?

You never planned a visit to Colby?

Or the surrounding communities of hoxie,

selden, Sharon Springs?

Mrs. Hammond, I promise.

The ship never goes to Kansas, ever.

And you won't breathe a word of this

to anybody, especially my husband?

Oh, I've just got to talk to somebody.

Of course you do.

I used to live in New York City.

Well, we all make mistakes.

See, years ago I got it into my head

that I could be an actress,

and I took off for New York,

and I was going to be somebody.

And I got lucky.

Andy warhol discovered me.

It was like a dream come true.

I changed my name to Marina del Rey.

Everywhere I went, I was the center of attention.

Of course, my green hair might've helped.

Green hair.

I even appeared in one of Andy's movies --

"white giraffe." Did you see it?

No.

I saw "white Christmas."

No, bing wouldn't have been in this one.

It was about a bunch of people who watch TV.

And?

That was it.

They watched TV.

And then on top of the TV set,

there was a statue of a white giraffe.

You became a star by watching TV?

No, I wasn't the star.

In fact, I didn't come on until the end,

right after "the price is right."

Oh.

Well, my days with Andy were fun while they lasted.

Then, when it stopped being fun,

I just went home to Colby and married George.

And you never told him that you'd been in the picture?

Oh, no. He's a really dear, sweet man,

but he's very conservative.

You know that he threw away his album

of "the sound of music" when Julie Andrews

took off her blouse in that move, "s.O.B."?

He'd never, ever understand my days in New York.

Oh, that's why you've been so upset.

Yes. George is up for president

of our local rotary.

You might say it was his life-long dream.

If word got back to Colby about my past,

he'd just be a laughingstock.

I don't know what I'd do if Andy recognized me.

Oh, would you look this way?

[ Shutter clicks ]

Thank you.

He didn't recognize me.

See? You had nothing to worry about.

He didn't recognize me.

That's the man who dyed my hair green.

He dressed me in food labels.

He didn't recognize me.

Well, maybe you've changed a little bit since then.

Maybe I've changed too much.

♪♪

Sorry I'm late.

That's all right, dear.

Ah...

Mary, what have you done to yourself?

Well, you know, I haven't changed my hair in 15 years.

I -- I just thought it was time for a change.

You hate it.

Oh, no, I don't hate it.

It's just that I'm -- I'm not used to it.

That's all.

Is that all you can say?

Of course not.

Well?

I'll bet that dress weighs a ton.

Good.

Keep going. Keep going.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Hey, wait --

[ cheering ]

[ Cheering continues ]

All right, everyone. Over here, smile.

Come on, kids. Come on, come on, doctor. Big smile.

That's it, and...

[ Shutter clicks ]

Got it. [ Laughs ]

That's it, just one?

I only need one.

Ha! Wow, what confidence?

I usually have to take a couple for insurance.

Sometimes I use a whole roll.

Mm, I'm sure.

Ah, great.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, good evening Mr. and Mrs. Cooper.

Oh.

Good evening.

How do you like your new cabin?

Oh, it's lovely.

Good.

Every inch of it.

You say new?

Well, yes.

We totally remodeled the aloha deck.

It took us all a while to get used to the new numbers.

New numbers?

Well, sure.

Like, take your cabin for instance.

It's 302 now, but the old 302 was on the starboard side.

Enjoy your dinner.

Oh.

Captain, could we possibly change to that other cabin, 301?

We had our hearts set on -- on the starboard side.

Starboard.

Yes, well, let's see.

Uh, gopher?

Hmm.

Uh, the coopers would like to change cabins.

Could you get them to 301?

Uh, no sir, no. That's Mr. Douglas' cabin.

He's a violent man. I'm sorry.

Out of the question. Sorry. Excuse me.

You'll have to excuse purser Smith.

He's under a lot of pressure.

Numerous v.I.P.S aboard.

Hope he didn't disturb you.

Not at all, right, dear?

No, no -- no sweat.

I'm just happy as a clam to be eating with a knife again.

[ Chuckles ]

You know something, hon? I'm beginning to like

that new look of yours.

Thank you, George. You know, I've been thinking.

We -- we're just stuck in a middle-age, middle-class,

middle-American rut.

What do you mean, stuck?

I'm about to become president of the Colby rotary club,

a job not without its perks.

We'll get to sit right up front at the pancake breakfast.

We never do anything different.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

We're doing something different right now, aren't we?

I mean, we're on this cruise.

That's because you won it at the office, George.

If you hadn't sold the most tractors

of anybody in Colby county,

we'd just have our vacation like we always do,

crappie fishing on lake pfister.

Compliments of the captain.

Oh, thank you.

Isn't that nice?

You know something, sweetheart?

You're right. We are in a rut.

And starting tonight, we're breaking out.

After dinner, we'll go dancing, then hit the casino

and take in a movie, huh?

And maybe we'll stay up for the midnight buffet.

And then, we'll go back to our cabin

and stay up for the early bird breakfast.

You know what I mean? Huh?

Oh, George.

Here's to George and Mary Hammond.

Rut busters.

Go get your tools, and we'll have a look at 301.

Karen, there's somebody in that cabin.

I saw him standing in line for the 9 o'clock mermaid show.

He'll be gone for an hour.

I know that stamp is in there. Now, go get your tools.

No, and I'm puttin' my foot down.

You asked me to help you look for the stamp.

We looked. We didn't find it.

Now, let's forget it.

Fine.

I'll do it myself.

Okay. Stand back.

Let a professional do this.

You stood by me all those years I was in prison.

I figure I owe ya.

This is a single-cylinder, cadmium-plated, spring-throw

lock with a half twist.

Can you take it?

Sure, it's open.

Four, five.

Gopher.

Six, seven.

Gopher.

Eight, nine. What?

Gopher, I, uh,

I -- I would like to know why I'm being paid

less than the last photographer

and everybody else in the crew.

Hmm?

Because you are new to the ship,

because you are new to photography

and because there is a company policy here

that we start new employees at lower salaries.

Now, if you don't mind,

I am fighting for my life here, all right?

Thirty -- thirty...

One...two...

Hi, ace.

Hi.

Why the long face?

It's a family trait.

No, I didn't mean...

Oh, uh, you mean my expression.

Well, I just found out that I'm being paid

less than the last photographer.

You are?

Mm-hmm. You see, it's --

it's company policy to hire new employees

at a lower salary.

That's strange.

When I was hired, I got paid the same salary as Julie.

All right. All right. That's it.

No more Mr. Rich nice guy.

[ Clattering ]

[ Clattering continues ]

Who's in there?

Open up.

Yes?

Who are you,

and what are you doing in my cabin?

Cleaning lady, night shift.

My, you're a messy fellow.

This'll take an hour to get done.

Why are you wearing a towel over your head?

Steam cleaning.

Oh, hotter than heck in here.

What I can do for ya?

I left my pipe.

You left your pipe.

Yeah.

Let me go in...

24 black.

[ Both laughing ]

Yippee!

This is fun, isn't this, sweetheart? Huh?

Oh, you know, it might be more fun if we bet some money.

We could...

Oh, look at the time.

You know, if we don't hurry, we're gonna be

late for the movie.

Okay. Uh, what's playing?

Oh, some nature flick called "white giraffe."

Uh, they say the guy who made it is on this cruise.

On second thought, George, I'm tired.

Let's go to bed.

What about rut busting,

kicking up our heels, being wild and crazy guys?

We can go back to the cabin, take a nap for 2 hours.

And then, we can be wild and crazy guys.

Oh, come on, honey.

It's only 10 o'clock. Let's go to the movie.

19 red.

[ Cheering ]

Come on, George. We're gonna miss the movie.

Oh, I love nature films.

You remember "born free," that Elsa the lion?

What an actress.

Gopher.

What?

Something strange has happened.

What?

Well, someone took one of the cabins apart,

the lamps, the rug, everything.

You're kidding.

Oh, that's great.

That is all I need.

I got a guy who is trying to ruin my life

over a butter receipt.

I got a ship full of big shots

that want me to cater to every one of their whims,

and now -- now I got people that are tearing their cabins

apart -- that's great.

Whose cabin is it?

Mr. Douglas'.

Uh-oh.

I'm a dead man.

You know they took everything apart screw by screw?

Wait a minute.

Did they take the air vents out of the walls?

Yeah. How did you know?

Hey, gopher, relax.

I know who did this.

Hope you enjoy your day in cabo San Lucas.

Launches will be leaving every 15 minutes.

♪♪

Mrs. Hammond.

I saw the movie last night. I loved your green hair.

You know, the worst part was having to wear the wax lips

for so long.

Tell me, what did your husband say about the movie?

Nothing.

He just went back to the cabin and went to sleep.

Then everything's okay.

No, you don't know George.

When he's mad at me, that's what he does.

He sleeps.

Well, I'd better take the giraffe by the horns.

Well, good morning, George. I didn't want to wake you.

Oh, sorry, I overslept.

Well, that's all right.

Uh, about the movie.

I know, it must have been a terrible shock to you.

Damn right it was.

I mean, here I was expecting animals,

and I get some looney toon picture

about people watching TV.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Well, of course you did.

You were the one who didn't want to go.

I should have listened to you.

Anyhow, I owe you an apology.

You do?

For what?

For falling asleep at the movie.

I tried to be a wild and crazy guy,

but I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

Oh, George, that's wonderful.

You mean you're not mad

because we didn't stay up partying all night?

Oh, George, we can party any night.

And we will, tonight, I promise.

We'll even stay up for the midnight buffet.

Oh, George.

You have made me the happiest woman in the world.

Hmm?

Boy, that must be some buffet.

We looked, and the stamp wasn't there.

What else can we do?

I suggest you do nothing, Mr. Cooper.

I'm burl Smith, the ship's purser.

Okay if I sit down?

Thank you.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hello.

Someone is making a lot of trouble on this ship,

and I would like to help that someone,

like to help that some two, before it's too late.

Are we communicating here?

Why, whatever do you mean?

He's onto us, Karen.

Let me -- let me try to explain.

[ Exhales ]

I was a locksmith, and an honest one.

Seven years ago,

I let a friend of mine into his office late at night

to get his briefcase.

As it turned out, it wasn't his briefcase.

Wasn't even his office.

He was using me to help commit a burglary,

and we were both sent to prison.

What's that got to do with this ship?

While I was in prison,

my cellmate was a guy named Jimmy briscoe.

He was in for stealing the rarest stamp in the world.

An 1856 British guiana worth $2 million.

Jimmy was trying to make his getaway onboard this ship,

but the cops picked him up in Mexico.

So he hid the stamp here on the Princess.

Right. We wanted to find the stamp

and claim the insurance company reward, $75,000.

So you tore the cabin apart.

No, uh, it was all my fault.

I -- we wanted to get a little house again,

one with a garden.

When I went to prison, we lost our -- our home.

We lost everything.

Yeah. It was everything.

But you didn't find the stamp.

Okay, look,

I don't think you mean any harm.

But no more breaking and entering,

all right?

No --

oh, oh, you -- you have -- you have our word, right, Karen?

I promise.

Because a stamp that small

on a ship this big could be anywhere.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, Marina.

♪♪

We hope you enjoyed your day in cabo San Lucas,

and we invite you to join us

in the international lounge tonight

for the 200th cruise celebration.

There will be a special performance

by our love boat mermaids and dancing till dawn

to the music of Peter duchin.

I'm feeling guilty for bringing up

this whole salary thing.

But why?

Your salary shouldn't be based on whether you're a man

or a woman...

Mm-hmm.

Black or white, young or old, poor or filthy rich.

Well, you're right, equal pay for equal work.

You guys make the same salary.

We do?

Mm-hmm.

But I've been working here for eight years.

Well, that's true, Isaac, but I am cruise director.

Well, she's got a point there.

But still, I've been working here for eight years.

I -- I don't think it's how long you've been here.

It's what job you do.

That would explain why doc makes five times more than we do.

Five times?

Mm-hmm.

I loaned that guy 20 bucks last week,

and he still hasn't paid me back.

So, Isaac, do you think I should pursue the salary raise

as a matter of principle?

Who cares?

Anybody that makes that kind of money should be able

to pay their debts.

And a joyous good evening to you all.

Talk is cheap -- and so are you.

♪♪

It's a pretty big place. Where do you want to start?

Didn't you tell me Jimmy liked to hit on showgirls?

Yeah.

He spent so much time backstage,

the dancers wanted to throw him overboard.

Backstage. That's where I'll start.

You check around here.

Okay.

Good evening.

Enjoy the show.

Hello.

A-ha.

How are you?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Instruments tuning ]

[ Band playing intro ]

Don't mind me. Stage inspector.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special evening.

As we look back over the many voyages of the pacific Princess,

we feel fortunate to have crossed so many lives

and touched so many hearts,

and we look forward to many more reunions

like this one.

Like any other family, we've grown a lot,

and to help us celebrate this 200th cruise,

we're proud to present our newest additions.

Ladies and gentlemen, the mermaids.

[ Applause ]

[ Dance music playing ]

♪ Party ♪

♪ we're going to celebrate ♪

♪ tonight ♪

♪ tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen ♪

♪ make it happen ♪

♪ tonight we'll put all other things aside ♪

♪ we shouldn't even think about tomorrow ♪

♪ no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ sweet memories will last a long, long time ♪

♪ I want to love you, feel you ♪

♪ wrap myself around you, I want to squeeze you ♪

♪ please you ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ and if you move real slow ♪

♪ I'll let it go ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪

♪ and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ and I know, I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I like it, I like it ♪

♪ Look what you do to me ♪

♪ you got me burnin' up ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ I think you get it ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I've got to give it up ♪

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪

♪ and I think I like it ♪

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ look what you do to me ♪

♪ and I just can't hide it ♪

♪ you've got me burnin' up ♪

♪ and I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know ♪

♪ I like it ♪

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheering continues ]

Oh...

[ Clamoring, gasping ]

Oh, my...

I must say, I never anticipated seeing anyone in a few seconds

destroy something that took us weeks to construct.

And just for a postage stamp.

I also understand that you are the couple

who dismantled Mr. Douglas' stateroom.

I had to tell him. He's the captain.

Yes.

We confess. We're the ones.

It -- it was all my idea.

If anybody has to go to jail, please let it be me.

No one is going to jail, Mrs. Cooper.

Oh...

Because no one is pressing charges.

Purser Smith seems to feel you didn't mean any harm.

However...

I may be taking your name

off the free cruise for life drawing.

We kept our promise.

We didn't break and enter.

More like search and destroy, sir.

And all for nothing.

$75,000 dollar reward is not nothing.

The 1856 penny stamp

was found during one of our remodeling stopovers.

It was?

It was?

But Jimmy gave me this clipping.

It says the insurance company is offering the reward.

That article is two years old.

That's right.

We found the stamp last year.

The insurance company insisted on no publicity.

Well...

I guess that's that.

Now I'm going to enjoy my party.

[ Soft music playing ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

So I convinced Mary to tell George the truth about her past.

Hmm.

Well, it looks like he took it pretty well.

What?

You were one of those?

With green hair?

Well, honey, it was more of a, like, a minty moss.

From a distance it looked almost blonde.

And he wants to paint your picture?

Ha ha ha! Over my dead body.

Well, honey, you know, this is a really big event.

It's going to be in the paper and everything.

I look on it as a real big honor.

And I look on it as a disgrace.

No way a wife of mine is going to have a picture painted by --

by that New York flake-ball.

I can just imagine what the folks back home would say,

and how are you going to explain this to our son, huh?

Well, I'm sure Chuck will understand.

Your reputation will be ruined.

Don't you mean your reputation will be ruined?

I was right about you, George!

You're nothing but a narrow-minded stuffed shirt!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Excuse me.

Can I talk --

excuse me.

Thanks.

Excuse me. Did you get a chance

to show Mr. Warhol, uh, my photographs?

Oh, yes, he took a look.

Well, what'd he say?

Well, I think he said that your photography

was the essence of crass commercialism.

Oh. He didn't like them.

Oh, on the contrary, dear boy.

He loves crass commercialism.

As a matter of fact, he said,

"that's what makes america great."

That's great. Wait until gopher hears that.

Uh, hey, thanks, Mr. Warhol.

Crass and commercial. That ought to be worth a raise.

Uh, could I talk to you, Mr. Warhol?

Excuse us.

Uh, Mr. Warhol, I'm Mary's husband.

Mary?

Marina del Rey.

Oh.

Mary tells me that you want to paint her picture.

Well, that's impossible.

Uh, it's nothing personal, Mr. Warhol, it's --

it's just that we come from two different worlds,

and don't get me wrong.

I'm flexible.

I mean, I could even go for something like that.

If you could do that sort of thing,

it would be a different story.

Well, that's mine.

No kidding.

That's good.

Thanks.

Hope you can get in a little bit of the party, sir.

Mr. Smith, you know why I haven't retired yet?

Wife doesn't want you sitting around the house?

Wrong, Mr. Smith.

I haven't retired because I keep telling myself

that your next audit will be the one

where I nail you to the deck.

I think my dream, uh, has come true.

Okay.

I confess.

I tried to be a nice guy and throw a birthday party

for my pal, Isaac,

and I spilled some champagne on a receipt,

and I left it out to dry,

and now that is why I cannot account for a ton of butter,

and now you can retire,

and I can be fired. There.

You happy now?

Butter receipt?

Are you, uh, are you referring to this

piece of paper reeking of...

[ Sniffs ] ...Dom perignon?

This was filed under "s."

That's what I did! I filed it under "s" for spread.

Spread?

That's what I did, and now I'm off the hook.

Wrong, Mr. Smith.

There is still that one omission.

Sir?

You forgot to sign your report.

Now, if there's one thing that I cannot stand

is that kind of stupidity.

It will not go unnoticed.

My humble apologies, sir.

Sign.

Yes, sir.

Mary.

I, uh, I've been acting like a jackass.

I'm sorry.

Oh, George, I know how hard this has been on you.

Listen, Mary...

I told Mr. Warhol that he couldn't paint your portrait,

and then I got to see some of the other work that he's done,

and I started thinking,

well, normal Rockwell is dead,

and he's probably the only other guy

who can do you justice.

Well, what will the rotary think?

Well, Fritz allenson's wife

once posed for an auto parts ad in a swimsuit,

and, uh, he served two terms of office,

so I'll take the gamble.

Oh, George.

I have another confession to make.

Oh, Mary, please.

I am just so glad I married you.

Oh... [ chuckles ]

Mm.

Come on.

Let's get back to the party, huh?

[ Soft music playing ]

Trip's almost over, and what have we got?

No stamp.

No money.

No nothin'.

We'll be all right.

I wanted you to have a garden.

We'll get a window box.

[ Both laugh ]

Just like when we started out, huh, kid?

Broke but happy.

Broke but happy.

Hey.

Listen to what the duchin boy's playing.

♪ There's a small hotel ♪

♪ by a wishing well ♪

♪ I wish that we were there ♪

♪ together ♪

If I did have a wishing well, you know what I'd wish for?

Hmm?

Nothing.

I have everything I want.

♪♪

Hey!

Hey.

Purser Smith...

Hey. Whoa, whoa, purser Smith?

Wait a minute. Hey.

What's this purser Smith stuff?

It's your old buddy gopher right here.

Okay. Okay, old buddy gopher.

I've given this a lot of thought,

and I feel that it's only fair

that I receive the same salary as the previous photographer.

You got it. Starting today, you receive the same salary

as the previous photographer.

Well, since you're in such a generous mood...

Isaac.

Gopher, I would like to say that I feel Isaac here also

deserves a higher salary in view of his outstanding service

during the past 8 years.

Thank you, Judy.

Way to go.

Judy, that's a good point.

Isaac, this afternoon,

we will meet and go over the entire salary situation, okay?

Because I love a happy crew, okay?

[ Laughing ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

Maybe I should have asked for a new camera.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

30 minutes to port, sir.

Oh, thank you, gopher.

Doing some research?

Yes.

I was curious about that 1-penny stamp.

Do you realize that it tripled in value

over the last few years?

Wow.

Just imagine if it were a 2-penny stamp.

Million dollar stamp recovered aboard pacific Princess.

I'm sure the line would've loved the publicity

if the stamp had ever been found.

What do you mean?

I had to stop the coopers from tearing the ship apart

in the middle of our anniversary cruise,

so I told them a little white lie.

That stamp could be anywhere.

Well, going up to the bridge.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Could be anywhere?

And I just wanna say how honored I am that you chose my wife,

Mary, to be the subject of your portrait.

Maybe you two would like to get together with us here in L.A.

Oh, Andy, we can't.

We're not getting off the ship.

We've booked passage on the very next cruise.

But you've already seen the sights.

Hardly be worth getting out of bed.

Exactly.

[ Laughs ]

Mr. Douglas, sir.

Yeah.

Little something in honor of your retirement, sir.

You've got to be kidding.

I'm not gonna be retire.

What could be more fun

than watching you fight for your life?

Thank you, sir, for your honesty.

You're welcome.

So, until the next time.

There it is, the end of the rainbow.

Not a pot of gold in sight.

There's the cabin

where you played wrecking crew with the plumbing.

Somewhere in there, there's a nightclub.

You put on a great show, kid.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Well, if that stamp were on this ship,

we would've found it.

Yeah.

Larry.

Hmm?

The flags.

The flags.

Captain!

Captain!

Jimmy hid the stamp in the picture!

We're rich! Oh, captain, we're rich!

We're rich!

Wait a minute. You said the stamp was found.

Well, uh, now it has been.

Oh!

Say, listen, why don't we take this down

so you can collect your money?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪♪