All language subtitles for The Love Boat - S00E03 - The New Love Boat.en

[Theme music playing]

♪ Love ♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is
life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course
for adventure ♪

♪ your mind
on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard
it's love ♪

Are you sure you
wouldn't like any coffee?

No.

I'm sorry. Mr. Thorn is
not going to see you, Ms. York.

It's Mrs. York.

-Oh, excuse me.
-I think he will.

We're talking about
a $100-million
real estate deal here.

I'm not in the habit of doing
business with a man unless
I can look him in the eye.

They're locked.

Mr. Thorn, Mrs. York insists on
meeting with you face to face.

Yes, I told her that.
Several times.

He wants
to speak with you.

Just talk into the speaker.

Mr. Thorn, look,
we're going to do
business together,

but I don't do business unless
I can meet someone in the flesh.

You see, I don't do
my best work over the phone.

[Mr. Thorn] I'm going
to say this just once,
so listen closely.

I do business on my own terms.

Being rich can buy many things

and I have bought my privacy,
which is total.

If you don't want
to do business my way,
then do it with someone else.

[Line disconnects]

Would you like some coffee?

No, thank you.

Just as well. Someone
as irritable as that
shouldn't drink coffee.

Mr. Thorn wants
these mailed right away.

Okay.

-[Lock buzzes]
-Tout De suite.

Mr. Robert McBride,
553 evanswood place,
San Francisco, California.

Mr. George tillman,
post office box 493,
Kansas City, Kansas.

Mr. Allan Davis,
2939 Morrison street,
Los Angeles, California.

And Mr. Jeff Gilbert,
29033 south cathedral street,
flagstaff, Arizona.

Mcguffin travel service. I don't
think I've heard of that one.

Oh, this is new. They sent me
this cruise free as part of
some promotional gimmick.

Pretty impressive gimmick.
Well, you're first class
the whole way, Mr. McBride.

Mr. McBride is on
the aloha deck, cabin 364.

Oh, no. That's all right.
I'll take this one myself.

Ah, this is a historic moment
in my life.

I get to meet
the legendary Maxwell Thorn.

Now, don't get your hopes up.

Ace, no one has seen him
in public for 25 years.

What makes you think
you'll see him today?

Ah, sure. He'll come
in disguise. I know that.

But I have an advantage.
My uncle used to do business
with Mr. Thorn.

They were like that, very close.
Yeah, he described him to me
many times.

A tall, powerful man,
with jet black hair,
which would by now be gray.

Just a hint of a Texas accent.
And an impeccable dresser.

Excuse me, Mr. Thorn.
Welcome aboard.

My name isn't Thorn.
It's tillman. George tillman.

Right. Tillman.
You'll be staying
in the presidential suite.

I don't think so.

I won this free cruise,
but I don't think it's
for the presidential suite.

George tillman?
That's your real name?

For as long as I remember.

Okay. You can check in
at the purser's desk,
right through there.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Mr. Thorn?

No.

You do a big TV series,
still they don't know
who you are.

That wasn't him either.
Just...

Excuse me. Do you know
which way "aft" is?

Yeah, that way.
First cruise?

Yes.

I'm Adam bricker,
ship's doctor.

Allan Davis.
Thanks for the directions.

Don't mention it.

You'll get adjusted
pretty quickly.

It only took me five years.

Excuse me. I understand
Maxwell Thorn is on board.

Gosh, I'd give anything
to meet him.

I like those terms.
Why don't we go somewhere
quiet and discuss it?

Hello, welcome aboard.
[Gasps] You're army archerd.

And this is my wife, Selma.

Well, how do you do?

I'm so glad you're on
this cruise. I can't wait to
hear all the Hollywood gossip.

When we're on vacation,
he can't even mention
the word "Hollywood."

Oh...

Sorry.

Well, enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

Leslie uggams, Tina Louise.

-Is that you?
-Army, we should do lunch.

We'll call you.

Bye-bye.

Come on, let's get
the show on the road.

Hello.

Uh, yes,
Jessica and Sarah York.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Could we move things
along quickly, please.

Sure thing.

I don't know why we had
to waste time coming along
on this cruise

when one meeting would
have tied things up just fine.

Mother, you almost blew
this deal with Maxwell Thorn.

We're just lucky that
I was able to arrange this.

It's crazy, honey.
It's just crazy.

I mean, a one-week cruise
for a half-hour meeting.

It doesn't make sense. I should
never have sent you to that
finishing school in the east.

Oh, welcome aboard.

Well, thank you, captain.

Ace.

Hmm? Oh. Welcome aboard.

I'm Irene culver,
Maxwell Thorn's
personal secretary.

What?

I'm merrill stubing.
And this is purser Evans.

-How do you do.
-Where is Mr. Thorn?
Isn't he coming?

-Oh, he's already on board.
-How?

[Chuckles] Well, Mr. Thorn
has many ways of not being
recognized. He's very clever.

-Well, I hope you
enjoy the cruise, Ms. Culver.
-Thank you. I intend to.

Mr. Thorn might like
to keep to himself,

but when I'm not working,
I like to party.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, pardon me, sir.
Have you seen my aunt Sylvia?

I'm afraid I haven't.

Well, if you see her, please
tell her I'm looking for her.

-All right.
-Thank you.

Maybe Thorn was
in the luggage.

Ace.

I'll bet he was that nun
that came on early.

-Ace, let it go.
-That was it, he was the nun.

[Grunting]

Hey, can I help you with that?

Here.

Yes. Thank you.

Ooh, heavy.

Hope this is my room.

Is that your key?

Yeah.

[Grunting]

Here.

I got it, I got it.

Oh. Whew!

Thanks.

I'm Robert McBride.

Margret Grant.

Well,
are you cruising alone?

-Yes, yes.
-Me, too.

Oh. [Chuckles]

I hear there's this
real famous billionaire
on board this time.

-Ah!
-You him?

-No, no. [Chuckles]
-[Laughs] Ah.

So, uh, I'll go now. And...

There might be some other people
out there who need help
with their luggage.

Right.

So, uh...

Thanks again.

You have fun.

Yeah, you too.

Okay.

Julie,
I almost didn't make it.

Aunt Silvia,
I was so worried.

Oh, I wouldn't miss
this trip for the world.

Good. You're going to love
this cruise. The billionaire
Maxwell Thorn is here on board.

Oh, that pig. He financed a play
I did and it closed in two days.

I wouldn't be caught dead
on the same cruise with him.

Maybe next time?

Aunt Silvia!

[Ship horn blowing]

Well, we're out of port
and headed for the high seas.

No matter how many times
I do it, it's always exciting.

Oh, I'm happy for you.

So, what do you say
we get our swimsuits on
and take a swim,

and then go for a sauna,
and have an early buffet.

Merrill, I have no life.

We just left port.
Things will pick up.

I mean, I've just got to find
something constructive

to do with my time.

All I do on these cruises
is lie in the sun and eat.

Well, what do you want to do?

I don't know. See,
that's my problem.

Hmm. How about a hobby?
I know a captain's wife
who collects buttons.

Merrill,
I can do better than that.

Why don't we do
something together?

No, no. You've got
your work to do.

I've got to find something
that's all my own.

Okay. I understand.

Does this mean I have to go
to the buffet by myself?

Sarah?

Allan, what are you doing here?

Not looking for you,
you can bet on that.

Well, I don't suppose we got
adjoining cabins by chance.

Maybe somebody is
playing a bad joke on us.

I'm not laughing.

Hello, Isaac.

Hi.

Club soda, please.

Are you enjoying the cruise,
Mr. Berle?

Julie, we've known each other
for a long time.

You can call me
Mr. Television.

You know, at my house, we used
to call you Mr. Tuesday night.

Really? At my house, that's
what my wife still calls me.

Thank you. You look
beautiful today, Julie.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh. Wait till I tell
my dad that uncle miltie
almost said hello to me.

-Hello, Ms. McCoy.
-Oh, hello, Mr. McBride.

What a nice man.
I'm really glad
he won this trip.

He won this cruise?

Mm-hmm.

Some travel agency
gave it to him as a promotion.

That's funny. A guy named
tillman won a free trip too.

No, it wasn't tillman.
It was a guy named Jackson
that won the free cruise.

No, the guy I talked to,
his name was George tillman.

I remember because at first,
I thought he was...

Well, I just remember.

Well, ciao. Hello.

Oh, hello...

Margret Grant.

Sorry.
I'm terrible with names.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing
I'm not shy, isn't it?

-Isn't it?
-Oh, yes, sure. [Chuckles]

So, going all the way
to acapulco, huh?

Oh, I guess so.
I can't swim that far.

See, I like this.
This is what I like,
a guy with a sense of humor.

Why don't we have dinner
tonight and see where it leads?

Boy, you don't
waste any time, do you?

No, well, you see, Robert,
let's face it.

We're not kids anymore,
so why don't we just go,
we'll have dinner,

and after one dinner we'll know,
if it doesn't work out,
we can move on.

Yeah? Yeah!

I'm sorry, Ms. York, but I can't
move Mr. Davis to another cabin.

Why not? You're the purser,
aren't you?

Yes, I am,
but Mr. Davis's ticket
was paid for

by mcguffin travel service
and they stipulated that cabin.

Great, I can't believe
this is happening.

Why don't you move,
sweetheart?

That was my next idea.

Well, the two of you
could switch cabins,

but that wouldn't
solve your problem.

Sarah, what happened
between you and me

was a long time ago.

Not long enough.

Why don't you relax.
This is a big ship.
If we play our cards right,

we could get through
this whole trip without
ever once seeing each other.

I take it the two of you
have met before?

Mcguffin travel service.
Isaac.

Hmm?

Isaac, something
very strange is going on.

Four people on board this cruise
won free trips from
mcguffin travel service.

So?

So, don't you
see what's happening?

No.

Shoot. I was hoping you would.
I don't get it, either.

Ace, travel agencies do this
sort of thing all the time.

I know, but all these people
seem to have won a contest
they never entered.

I think that's
pretty strange.

I think
you're pretty strange.

What are you trying to say?

All I'm trying to say is

that you're making
a mountain out of a molehill.

Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, if nobody did that,
we wouldn't have
any mountains, would we?

Oh! I'm sorry, excuse me.

[Ringing]

Your attention, please.
I'd like to recognize
a celebrity in our midst.

Emily stubing is the winner
of our first day at sea
shuffleboard tournament.

Well, thank you. Of course,
I couldn't accept the trophy

because I am the relative
of a ship's employee.

Oh, Emily, a championship
is a championship,
trophy or not.

Wine steward. Champagne.

Do you feel fulfilled yet?

Well, it's going to take
more than one day, merrill.

Oh. Well, let me know
when you do.

Ms. Culver...

Oh, Irene.

Irene, why would a man who
has everything like Mr. Thorn

want to become
a total recluse?

Well, I have two theories.

Either he was disappointed
in love or he just got tired
of people asking how rich he is.

-How rich is he?
-Vicki! That's not the kind
of thing you ask someone.

Unless, of course, Ms. Culver
would like to tell us.

It's hard to keep up.
You know, when he decided
to take this trip,

he was torn as to whether
to buy a ticket or the ship.

[All] Ooh!

Darling, you really
must watch your diet.

You're absolutely right.

Happy anniversary, compliments
of the pacific Princess.

Oh, no, but it's
not our anniversary.

No.

Happy birthday. Compliments
of the pacific Princess.

No, we're about two months
away from that.

Yes.

Close enough.

Oh, Isaac,
if you should happen
to see the waiter,

would you tell him that we don't
use cream. We only use...

So, my husband said to me,

"I think I'd like
to take a little vacation
from this marriage."

-You know what I said to him?
-Hmm?

"Hey, frank, why don't
you take a big vacation
from this marriage?"

Which by the way, he did.
He went to Tahiti
with his girlfriend,

who fit in perfectly, because
she was a topless dancer
when he met her.

Nice.

And after trying to work it out
for seven years,

i became a legal secretary
for the lawyer that handled
my divorce.

Then I got to take
my first vacation,
which is this cruise,

and I met a potentially
interesting man, which is you,

and I ordered
the fillet of sole.

And I stopped trying to be
Maggie. And that's the story of
Margret Grant in five minutes.

And it's your turn.

Well, I'm sorry. But I just have
not led a very interesting life.

-Come on.
-I was an accountant until
I quit my job a few months ago.

I refuse to believe
a good-looking guy like you

has not had exciting things
happen in his life.

Well, it's true.
As a matter of fact,

the most exciting thing
that ever happened to me
was winning this cruise.

I didn't even enter a contest.
It just showed up in the mail.

You see? There,
that's a start. Okay?

I'll tell you what.

You stick with me,
and I will make this trip

the most memorable experience
in your life.

-Ah. [Chuckles]
-Unless you have
a heart condition.

[Gasps] What are you doing
in my cabin?

I'm not in your cabin.
I'm in my cabin.

Someone seems
to have taken our wall.

-Well, put it back!
-I didn't take it.

Oh, come off it, Allan.

It's just like you to do
something like this.

Hello, this is Allan Davis. I'd
like to report a missing wall.

Hello, this is Sarah York.
Someone has stolen my wall.

Not a wallet. A wall.

No, I'm not drunk.

Excuse me. Would you let me
handle this, please?

I think we have two
very confused people
on the switchboard.

Never mind.

Thank you.

I'm in aloha 156.

Apparently someone
has removed the partition

that converts the cabins
into a two-bedroom suite.

I would like it replaced
tonight, please.

Because there is a semi-nude
woman standing here who looks
like she could be dangerous.

Can't you wake somebody up?

Right. Okay. Good night.
They can't do it
until tomorrow morning.

Well, you'll just have to find
someplace to sleep tonight.

I have a place to sleep.

-You can't sleep there.
-Why not?

Well, because,
and I wish you wouldn't do that.

-Do what?
-You know what. Stop
taking your clothes off.

I'm going to bed.
I always take all my clothes off
right before going to bed.

Look, if you don't approve,
why don't you find somewhere
else to sleep?

Well, if you were a gentleman...
But why would I expect you
to be a gentleman?

I can't imagine what I ever
saw in you. I must have been
out of my mind.

-Well, you're still beautiful.
-And you're still an animal.
Now get out of my room.

You're in my room. You've
crossed the magic threshold,
in case you hadn't noticed?

[Groans]

And in case you get any ideas,
I want you to know

that I am sleeping with
a very sharp fingernail file.

Oh, don't worry. If I get
any ideas, they certainly
won't include you.

I thought you
were watching the kids.

Mike, it's your day
to watch the kids.

Will you relax, Carol?
They're all grown up anyway.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, hello, Mr. Evans.

Uh, ace.

Oh, ace. Uh, come in.

Oh, I didn't expect
to find you here.

Oh, well, Mr. Thorn works
day and night, even when
he's on vacation.

As long as he's up, could
I see him? I know, I know,
he's a very private man.

Private? You're being kind.
My boss is a recluse.

He may be a little mad,
but when you're rich, people
forgive you things like that.

You know, my uncle and Mr. Thorn
are very old and dear friends.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you've met him.
Marshall Evans,

textile magnate,
international banker,
olympic pistol champion.

Oh, I remember marsh.
Yes, he and Mr. Thorn did
some business years ago.

Yeah. When I was a little kid,
my uncle used to tell me
all about him,

how they'd go duck hunting
and fishing together.
They were big buddies.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

You know, I was wondering,
since he's on the ship,

my uncle would skin me alive
if I didn't stop by
and at least say hi to him.

-I'm afraid that's impossible.
-I've heard the publicity.
That's not really true, is it?

Oh, yes, I am the only
human being he talks to
face to face.

Oh. Couldn't you just ask him?

All right, but I know
what he's going to say.

Great, I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Mr. Thorn, Mr. Thorn,
there's a young man here
to see you.

-[Thorn] Who is it?
-It's...

-Ashley.
-It's Ashley Evans.

He's the nephew
of Marshall Evans.

They used to go
duck hunting together.

Oh, yeah. You used to
go duck hunting together.

[Thorn]
I've told you a hundred times,

i don't want to see anybody.
I don't care who it is.

Thank you, Mr. Thorn.
I'm sorry, he's just too busy.

Uh, yes, I heard.

Yes, well, then
I'm especially sorry.

He's just no fun
anymore.

Well, I understand.

But you can tell
your uncle hello from me.

Yeah, sure, he gets to meet
everybody famous.

The Kennedys,
queen Elizabeth.

You know, once he went
waterskiing with Warren Beatty.

Oh, that must've been fun.

I know. Oh, oh, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our ping-pong champion,
Emily stubing.

But since she's
our captain's wife
and can't compete officially,

the trophy goes to our first
runner-up, Mr. Howard pfister.

Emily. Congratulations,
Mr. Pfister.

Thank you very much.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going
to go lie down for a while.

Now how about that!
Ping-pong champion
of the entire ship.

I'll bet it was fulfilling,
even without the trophy.

Well, the thrill of victory
wasn't quite what I hoped
it would be.

There's got to be more.
But he's a cute guy.
I'm glad he won.

I don't care what dad says,
I'm a grown woman.
I don't want to go to the party.

Now, now, dear, always remember:
"Father knows best."

Isaac, can we talk?

Sure. I've only got
17 drink orders to fill.
I've got plenty of time.

Good. Something very strange
is happening on the ship.

You said that yesterday.

I know. I was in
Mr. Thorn's cabin--

you saw Maxwell Thorn?

Well, just to say hello.
My uncle and he are very close.

Anyway, while I was there,
I saw a list of names.

On it were all the passengers
who won free trips

from mcguffin travel service.
What does that mean to you?

I don't think it means anything.

It must mean something.
Everything means something.

Poor thing.
Wish you'd done better in your
little ping-pong tournament.

It's only a game.
I don't take it as seriously
as the captain's wife.

She was out for blood,
wasn't she? Well, look
where we are.

We're right in front
of your cabin.

I would ask you to show it
to me, but we both know it
looks exactly like mine,

so who would I be kidding.

You move very fast.

Yeah, too fast?

Hmm. Good thing I didn't
make this offer last night.

Okay, all right,
I'll slow down.

We'll have dinner again tonight
and then you'll show me
your cabin.

All right. I ought
to be rested by then.

-Yeah.
-[Chuckles]

Hey.

Well, maybe I'd better call
room service and order
some vitamin b.

Ah, could you mail
these for me, please?

Yeah. Uh, Mr. Gilbert,

didn't you win this cruise
from mcguffin travel services?

-Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
-Yeah.

You wouldn't by any chance
know Maxwell Thorn, would you?

No, I don't know him.
But I'll tell you this,
I hate his guts.

You hate a man
you don't even know?

I spent 20 years working
in one of his chemical plants.

You know what it got me? A pair
of bad lungs that hardly work
and an early retirement.

I should have sued him,
but I knew I wouldn't be any
match for his hotshot lawyers.

Well, have a nice day.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, excuse me, excuse me,
but I have this tremendous urge
to go up on deck and dance.

Would anyone care to join me?

Relax, mother. Mr. Thorn
said that he'd meet with us.

I'm sure he didn't become one
of the richest men in the world

by playing practical jokes
on people.

Well, the whole trip's
a wild goose chase.

As soon as we get to acapulco,

we're going to take
the first plane back to Houston

and try to find
some new financing.

Oh. Hi, Allan. Through
with dinner already?

Actually, I'm having
a little trouble. My table
seems to have disappeared.

Souvenir hounds,
they're everywhere.

No, really. I was assigned
table 17, and tonight,
it's not there anymore.

Well, we haven't passed
through the Bermuda triangle.

Let me check with the maître d'.
Excuse me, Mr. Davis
can't seem to find his table.

Oh, well, what do I look like,
Scotland yard?

Davis. Let's see. I have
Patti Davis, Marvin Davis.

Uh, ah, here it is,
Allan Davis, 42.
Right over there.

I'll show you the way.
It'll be good practice

in case I ever want a second
career as a maître d'.

Here we are.
Now, if you lose this one,
you'll have to eat in your room.

[Sarah]
What? What are you doing here?

I've been assigned
to this table.

Why don't you
leave my daughter alone?

Me? Can't you
see what she's doing?

Yes.

[Sarah] Me? I didn't
arrange any of this.

Come on, I'm a teacher.
I have a logical mind. I can
figure these things out.

[Sarah]
Well, figure this out. If you
think your sophomoric maneuvers

are going to get me back into
your bed, well, you're crazy.

Sarah. [Laughs]

Don't pay any attention to us.
We're rehearsing a play.

Ah. The prime rib looks good,
doesn't it?

Mom, they're actors.
Maybe they could help me get
into show business.

Why don't you
get a real job, squirt?

Boys, stop fighting
and eat your vegetables.

Hmm. You know, Isaac,
I've spoken with all the people
who won free cruises.

And none of them know each
other. Except two of them have
worked for Mr. Thorn.

Robert McBride was an accountant
for his holding company.

And Jeff Gilbert worked
in a chemical plant
that Thorn owns.

-You've got nothing.
-That's what I thought.
Until I made a few phone calls,

and then I found out that one
of the many companies that Thorn
owns is mcguffin travel service.

Ah, there you go. That
explains the list. Case closed.

Except for one little thing.
Mcguffin travel service has

no phone listing, no offices,
no desks, no employees.

It appears the entire company
was formed just to give

these people free tickets
on this cruise.

How did you get
all this information?

I called my father's secretary.
She can find out anything.

That's all you've got?

-Well, yeah.
-Then can we go eat now?

Isaac, Isaac,
there's George tillman.
His name was on Thorn's list.

Why would a billionaire
like Maxwell Thorn

want to give a free cruise
to an out-of-work engineer?

Unless... unless it
was part of a larger plot.

Maybe Thorn needs help
with his math homework.

Oh, great. You're scoffing
at me, aren't you?

I've got it.
Thorn is planning to kidnap

the entire world's population
six people at a time.

I was hoping you
would help me with this one.

[Woman screams]

Let me handle this.
I'm a doctor.

It doesn't seem to be
a heart attack. Help me
get him to the infirmary.

Do you know the way?

Yes, I know the way.

Now, do you believe me?

[Gunshot]

Oh, dad, if Emily hits this one,
she'll win the match.

It won't make any difference.
She still won't be fulfilled.

Oh, come on, dad.
You're underestimating her.

You think so? Watch.

Let her fly!

All right! Yay!

Congratulations. You know,
something has been bothering me.

You look so familiar.
Have you ever been to Milwaukee?

Been there?
I lived there for 11 years.

Really?

But I don't remember you.

Hey, congratulations.
Good shooting!

Yep, I suppose so.

So what's next, sweetheart?

Bridge. I think
I'm gonna try bridge.

[Sighs]

See?

[Julie over pa]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to exciting acapulco.

Whether you're interested
in parasailing, sightseeing

or finding
an out-of-the-way shop for
that one-of-a-kind souvenir,

we're sure you'll find it all
in this Mexican paradise.

Have a wonderful day.

Ms. Culver? Ms. Culver,
it's ace Evans.

Hmm.

Mr. Thorn,
are you in there, sir?

Here we are, master key.

Mr. Thorn...

Hmm.

Emily, we need to talk.

I don't think you're making
any progress.

Oh, merrill, you're right.
I'm still unfulfilled.

And, you know, I'm beginning
to develop a real bad case
of shuffleboard elbow.

Well, what would you do in
Fresno? Outside of running
your trucking business?

You know, merrill,
I don't know what I did.
Oh, I dabbled in this or that.

But other than running
my trucking business, I don't
think I did anything else.

Emily, tell me the truth.
Is it our marriage?

-What?
-It's me, isn't it?
Our marriage is falling apart?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

I mean, I don't know. I don't
think it's our marriage.

You don't think
it's our marriage?

Well, obviously, I'm no help.

Look, why don't you
talk to Vicki.
She studied psychology.

Really? Well,
that's a good idea.

Yeah, we'll go shopping
and we'll have a nice long talk.

Great, that should help.
Listen, Emily, uh,
when you talk to Vicki,

uh, don't tell her about
our intimate, private...

Oh, no, merrill.

Good.

Can't I ever
get away from you?

You'll have to
just suffer through it.

-[Elevator rattles, clanks]
-I don't believe this.

We're stuck.

Hey, doc.

Hey.

How's George tillman?

Oh, he's still in the infirmary.

I can't figure out
what was wrong with him.

He was sick all night,
but this morning, he's fine.

Hmm. Could it
have been poison?

Ace, what is it with you?
Last night, you called to ask me
if he had been shot.

This morning,
you're asking about poison.

You haven't been reading
Nancy drew again, have you?

Very interesting.

What's interesting?
It's an elevator shaft.

Somebody stuck some gum
on the bottom of the elevator.
How'd they do that?

Gentlemen, could we hurry
this up? There are passengers
in that elevator

and they're missing
the best shopping hours.

You wanna fix this yourself?

I hope they get this thing fixed
in the next couple of weeks.

I have to be home in time
for midterms.

Why don't you sit down?
This could take a while,
you know.

I'll sit down
when I want to sit down.

[Loud clanging]

So you've been pretty successful
the last few years, huh?

Yeah, I've done all right.
Our fourth quarter profits
are up 30% this year.

Last year
we had a stock split.

And if we get this financing
from Maxwell Thorn,

we'll be
the sixth-largest developer
of commercial real estate

in the entire Houston area.

I'm impressed.

No, you're not.

-Yes, I am.
-No, you're not.

-Okay, I'm not.
-[Clanging, clattering
continues]

[Ringing]

-Hello?
-[Man] I know what you've
done. You won't get away.

Who is this?

[Line disconnects]

And what have you been
doing with your life?

Well, I can't say
my fourth quarter profits
compare to yours.

I've been working with
underprivileged kids.

Trying to get the city
to give us some money
for a basketball program.

And I suppose that you
find that to be rewarding.

It has its ups and downs.

Last week, one of
the most promising kids
was killed in a gang war.

Oh...

Yeah. But another kid
I've been working with,

his name is Jose Sanchez,
he just qualified for
a scholarship at ucla.

Four years ago,
he was stealing money
for drugs.

Now it looks like
he's going to make it.

So, like I say,
it has its ups and downs.

Well, I think Jose beats
my fourth quarter earnings.

[Elevator rattles, dings]

This is our stop.

The working man
comes through again.

They have a little salad.
Thank you.

I don't know what it is.
I just don't feel at home
on the ship.

Well, why?

It's the captain's table.

And the captain's chair.
I'm just the captain's woman.

No matter what your father says,
I feel like I'm just another one
of the passengers.

But, Emily, you're not
just another passenger.

You are the first lady
of the pacific Princess.

The first lady.

Yeah.

I like the sound of that.

When we get back,
I want you to meet my very best
girlfriend Arlene because...

She's not going
to believe this.

I actually found romance
on a luxury cruise.

I did find romance, didn't I?

Well, uh, Margret, these
past few days have been great.

Uh-oh.

I think I've heard this before.
I'm too pushy, huh?

I scare men off.

No.

Actually, I'm a lot better now.
You should have known me
ten years ago.

Well, I wish I had.
Because it has nothing
to do with you, Margret.

I just-- there's nothing
I'd like better than to go back

and meet your friend
and your family and your dog.

I have a cat.

-But I can't.
-Why not?

Because when we get back,
I'll be tying up a few details

and then I'm leaving
the country.

So, when you get
back in the states...

I'm leaving for good.

You were such a strange man
when I first met you.

What was so strange about
taking you out to dinner?
I wanted to impress you.

Well, believe me,
it was the first and only time

that I've had dinner
in a hot air balloon.

I wanted to stand out
from the rest of the guys.

You sure did that.

It was an adventure, right?

We got lost.

Hey, it was
my first time, too.

It was?
You never told me that.

I thought if I did,
you wouldn't trust me.

Oh, I trusted you.
Obviously too much.

Look, I have a feeling
we shouldn't talk about
the past anymore.

Let's skip right
to the present.

I think that's a real good idea.
So, what should we talk about?

Maybe we don't have
much in common anymore.

Maybe not.

Well, it's time
for lunch. I'm hungry.

Me, too.

Well, look at that.
We have hunger in common.

We could move up the ladder
of basic animal needs
and see where it goes.

Probably not as far
as you think that it will.

Are you sure, ace?

Afternoon, captain, doc.

Afternoon.

Captain, I've got
to talk to you.

I think there's something
going on here

that needs to come
to your attention.

What is it?

Captain, before ace
tells you his theory,

i want you to know
I have nothing to do
with this.

-I'm just trying to keep this
man from going over the edge.
-[Clears throat]

You remember the movie
ten little Indians?
It's a murder mystery.

-That was a book, wasn't it?
-Yeah, it was a book
and then it was a movie.

Gentlemen.

What I'm trying to say

is I think that's what's
going on on board this ship.

I believe that Maxwell Thorn
has brought some people
on board this ship

for the express purpose
of doing them in.

Doing them in what?
Do you mean murdering them?

-I know it sounds crazy.
-It sounds crazy to me.

Same here.

Just hear me out.

Fact: Maxwell Thorn owns
mcguffin travel service.

Fact: There are six people
on board this ship

who have been given free cruises
from mcguffin travel service.

Fact: In Mr. Thorn's cabin,
there is a list of these people.

Fact: Mr. George tillman,
passenger, is one of
the names on the list.

Fact: Mr. Tillman keeled over
last night at dinner.
Cause: "Unknown."

Fact: Mr. Tillman has been
crossed off Thorn's list,
in blood red.

Crossed off in blood?

Well, it was actually red ink.
But the symbolism is there.

Ace, I hate to disappoint you,

but I discovered the reason
why Mr. Tillman passed out
at dinner.

He's allergic to shellfish.

He's never noticed it
because you don't get
a lot of shellfish in Kansas.

Ace, are you suggesting that
Mr. Thorn tried to kill tillman
by force-feeding him shellfish?

Did I mention I have
nothing to do with this?

Fact: If you are not out of
my sight in ten seconds,

-you're in deep trouble.
-Yes, sir.

Shellfish...

Keep an eye on him, will you?

Yes, sir.

Just as long as we agree
that this does not go
on my permanent record.

Oh, merrill,
you've ruined the surprise.

Oh, no.

I'm surprised.

Dad, isn't it wonderful?

Emily found all this stuff
in acapulco.

Imagine that.

We had to wait for a time
when you were out of the cabin
long enough

so we could have
all this stuff moved in.

Merrill, the most wonderful
thing happened

and I owe it all to Vicki.

-She made me realize
what it was.
-What "what" was?

What?

What "what" was?

What I was after.
I quit my trucking business

to become a homemaker.

So I'm making our home.

Did you ever see anything
like it in your whole life?

Uh, yes... once in Tijuana.

Don't you just love it?

Love?

Oh, love is too small
a word to express my feelings.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

I'm so glad you're happy.
Well, I'd better get back.

The bedroom hasn't been changed?

A waterbed.
You want to see it?

No, no. I'll see it later.

A waterbed on a ship?

He loves it!

I know!

Now for
the felt painting.

I don't want to be here.

Isaac, I need you.

If we get caught, I want
to be able to tell Mr. Thorn

we were trying to surprise him
with a complimentary bottle of
champagne. Okay?

Hello?

I hope prison isn't
like it is in the movies.

That list was right here.

[Irene]
Mr. Thorn, I'm begging you.

-You've got to stop drinking.
-Shh!

[Thorn]
Leave me alone, Irene.

[Irene]
I'm only trying to help.

Remember last year in Marrakesh?
You disappeared for three days.

We didn't know what had
happened to you.

[Thorn]
It was none of your business.

Just promise me you
won't leave the cabin.

Irene, we're on a ship.
What could happen on a ship?

All right, you're the boss.

That's right. I am the boss.
Now get me another drink.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

My thinking exactly. I'd say we
brought him the wrong gift, huh?

Why do you keep saying "we"?

Come on!

Hi. We gotta talk. All right,
maybe "we" is the wrong word.

I gotta talk.
I'm just not ready to give up
on this relationship that easy.

What is it, did you
murder somebody or something?

Come on, you can tell me.
I can keep a secret.

No. I didn't murder somebody.

Thank goodness.

-You're running away from
a wife, that's it, isn't it?
-Never been married.

So, if you didn't murder anybody
and you're not running away
from a wife,

it can't be that bad, can it?

Margret, there are some people
I used to work for

that think I stole money from
them. I think they're after me.

Well...

Did you ever think
about going to the police?

No, no, these are
very powerful people.

No, the only chance I've got
is to try to start over again
somewhere else.

And that's what I'm going to do.

What is it? What's wrong?

Nothing.

I do have something to do.
So, why don't you meet me
in the lounge in half an hour?

Okay. Are you sure
there's nothing wrong?

No, nothing
I can't take care of.

[Captain over pa] Ladies
and gentlemen, we hope you've
had a fabulous day in acapulco.

Now it's time for a fabulous
night on the pacific Princess
as we set sail for home.

[Laughs]
Well, it sure has been
an interesting day.

You know, if my mother
could see us right now,
I think she'd drop dead.

Really? Let's find her.

Good night, Allan.

Good night, Ms. York.
It was a lovely evening.
Hope to see you again sometime.

Well, they seem to
have taken our wall again.

I noticed.

What do you think
we should do about it?

I guess I'm defenseless.

I seem to have lost
my fingernail file.

Oh, merrill, you having trouble
sleeping on our new waterbed?

I keep dreaming
we're lost at sea.

Why, did you eat something?

No, it's something i'm
sleeping on. Look Emily,
we've gotta talk.

Good. I love it when we talk,
you always say such
interesting things.

Now, look Emily, you have to
admit it, there is something
that is still bothering you.

No, I'm fine now.

Yeah.

Well, look,
when I thought you
started to redo the menus,

and that you started to schedule
all the social activities,

i thought you were gonna
be excited, but you're not,
Emily, you're not.

Oh, let's face it,
merrill, everybody is so nice.

But they just say that
they like my ideas because
I'm the captain's wife.

No, that's not true,
they love you. And they like you
and they like your ideas.

No, they're just trying
to spare my feelings,

like you did when you said you
liked my redecorating.

What are you talking about?
I love it.

Tell the truth.

-Okay, I hate it.
-See!

Oh, Emily. Emily...

Emily, look, a waterbed
on a ship is highly impractical
and it's redundant.

I thought it was soothing.
What about your office?

-Merrill?
-Well, it's just not me.

-Well, who is it?
-Well, I don't know,
Erik estrada. It's just not me.

A captain's office should be...

It should be full
of ship things.

You didn't like
anything about it, did you?

No, I did like that
small ship's wheel paperweight.

That was there before.
Okay, captain, I guess
I know where I stand.

Well, tomorrow, I'll put
all your ship things back

and I guess I'll just have to
get used to the idea of being
the captain's little wife.

[All screaming]

I came in early this morning,
but he wasn't here.

When I heard about the man
who fell overboard last night,

I didn't want to think
it could be Mr. Thorn.

We've checked the entire ship.
He's the only passenger
who was missing.

I knew something
like this would happen.

Oh?

Oh! Mr. Thorn has wandered off
by himself before.

-He has a terrible
drinking problem.
-I'll say.

I noticed all the liquor
around the room. Captain,
why don't you handle this?

Thank you, ace. I was
trying to do just that.

Periodically, Mr. Thorn has
gotten drunk and wandered off
by himself.

He did it again last night.
He had been drinking heavily.

I begged him not
to leave the cabin.

He must have gone out
on the deck and slipped.

I just can't believe
he's gone.

I'm sorry.

Um, we'll talk about this later.
We'll leave you alone now.

Oh, please don't go.

[Gasps]
What are you doing here?

Huh?

Oh, right, sorry.

It's going to take me a while
to adjust to not thinking
of you as a nightmare.

You sure know how to
build up a man's confidence.

I didn't know your confidence
needed building.

If I'm cut, do I not bleed?

I don't know.
I'll have to try it sometime.

Wait a minute! Can't
you see what's happening?

Yeah.

I'm falling in love
with you again.

That's not good?

No. We broke up. We fought.

We said nasty things
to each other.

Hey, life goes on.

[Julie over pa]
Ladies and gentlemen,
join us on the fiesta deck

for a very special buffet.

Fried chicken, chili.
What is this?

It was Emily's idea.
A truck-stop buffet.

You know, she was
in the trucking business.

Yes, I knew that.

Isn't this great?
I mean, she comes up with
such radical ideas!

Yes. Radical.
That's the word for it.

And every passenger
gets a free cap.

No, thanks, I'm in uniform.

Captain, may I speak
with you... privately?

Will you excuse us,
Vicki, please?

What is it, ace?

I was wrong about it being
the ten little Indians.

It's really
murder on the orient express.

Ace, I spent the night trying to
sleep in my wife's new waterbed.

A world-famous billionaire
was lost at sea.

I am eating truck-stop food
for lunch. I don't want
to hear this.

I know, but it all fits
together. Thorn brought these
people on board to murder them,

but they turned the tables
on him and they got him first.

Is that what happened in
murder on the orient express?

Well, not exactly.
But it's close. I think
we better investigate this.

Oh, you mean find some
real evidence and motive.

That's a unique approach.
I'll tell you what, ace.

Once you find something,
then and only then
do I plan on seeing you.

So if you will excuse me,
my grits are getting cold.

[Sighs] He won't listen to me.

Look, I don't buy
this George tillman
shellfish story.

I think the guy
faked the whole thing.

Ace, I'm a doctor.
I ran tests.

Chemistry doesn't lie.
It's our friend.

Jeff Gilbert. What
does anybody know about him?

Is he the tennis pro
from long beach?

He used to work
in a chemical plant.

A tennis pro in
a chemical plant?

He doesn't play tennis.

Gilbert. I have a Gilbert
on my list of passengers

-that require
special medical supervision.
-What's wrong with him?

He's suffering
from a lung ailment.

He told me he has only
a year to live. Sad story.

Yes. Yes. It's all falling
into place. Jeff Gilbert
is our killer.

Ace, if you were a book,
I'd throw you away.

Don't you see? Gilbert worked
in a chemical plant
that Thorn owns.

He blames Thorn
for his sickness.
There's your motive.

-There's your motive.
-Excuse me, could I see you
for one minute?

Yeah, sure. I am going
to blow this case wide open.

[Imitates explosion] Yeah!

Isaac, you know,
if we were really his friends,

we'd stop him from
making a fool of himself.

[Both] Nah.

Oh! All right!

Let's get going, baby.

[Laughing]

[Indistinct]

Sarah, darling,
where have you been all day?

Oh, hello, mother.
You know Allan.

I asked you a question,
honey.

She's been with me,
Mrs. York.

Oh, oh, that's just fine.
That's just fine.

You went off with this no-good
while our business has been
going right down the drain.

Mother, what are
you talking about?

So, you two have been tucked
away someplace together,
haven't you?

Maxwell Thorn fell overboard
last night and along with him,
our financing.

Maxwell Thorn is dead?

Why couldn't it
have been you?

-Tough lady.
-Sarah, darling,
haven't you learned your lesson?

Finding this man with that
other woman in the hotel room?

Mother, that was five years ago.

Well, he hasn't changed.
He's still a mullet.

You know what a mullet is,
don't you?

A mullet is a little fish
swimming around,

waiting for a big fish
to come and eat him up.

Why don't you go back
to that woman with the
unfortunate name of chastity

and leave my daughter alone!

I'm sorry about my mother,
Allan. She's just being
overprotective.

Yes, I remember.

Now, Ms. Culver.

Yes?

Would you verify the fact that
this man, Jeffrey t. Gilbert,

once worked for
excision chemical company,

a fully owned subsidiary
of Thorn incorporated?

Yes, I know
Mr. Gilbert. You see--

and Dr. Adam bricker,
isn't it true

that Mr. Gilbert is suffering
from a lung disease,
a condition one contracts

while working under hazardous
conditions with chemicals?

Yes, but I only know that
because he told me.

Oh, come on, people.
Gilbert worked for Thorn.

He got a fatal disease
and he took revenge on him.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Ace, this has gone
far enough.

There's no reason to believe
anyone killed Mr. Thorn.

It was an accident.

Ah!

But I have proof
it was no accident.

In fact, it was murder,
pure and simple.

[Knocking]

I'll get that.

How long do I
have to stay in here?

You may come out now.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Margret Grant.
-Hello.

Would you please tell them
what you told me?

Yes. I went for a walk
last night on the deck
to get some air

and I saw a man
and he was carrying something

and then I realized
what he was carrying.

He was carrying another man
over his shoulder.
And he was unconscious.

And he walked over to the rail,
he threw the body overboard.

-Oh, my god!
-Why didn't you
come forward sooner?

I was too frightened.
I guess I just didn't want
to be involved.

But then when I heard that
everybody on the ship,

they actually believed that
this was an accident,

I had to say something.
I had to say something.

We're proud of you, Ms. Grant.
Now I know that this is
extremely difficult for you.

But I want you to look
at this man and tell us.

Is this the man
that murdered Maxwell Thorn?

The captain?

No, no. This man.

Take your time, Ms. Grant.

We wouldn't want you to
send a dying man to the chair.

No, no, this man
looked nothing like him.

He doesn't?

He was bigger, taller, I think.

-He was?
-Yes.

-Are you finished?
-Yeah.

I mean,
it's true I hated Thorn.

I blamed him for
what happened to me,

but that was before
this trip.

-Do you want to know why Thorn
brought me here?
-Well...

Tell them, Ms. Culver.

Well, Mr. Thorn felt terrible
about what happened
to Mr. Gilbert.

He brought him on this trip
so he could visit a specialist
in acapulco.

He's under treatment now that
may very well save his life.

So, you see,
if Thorn were here,

I may shake his hand,
not push him overboard.

-Ah, well...
-[Jeff] And you...

Me?

You!

I want you to stay out
of my face for the rest
of this cruise!

You got it! You got it.

All right, everyone,
that's enough for tonight.

This way.

I was so sure
it was Gilbert.

Oh, relax, ace,
even Perry Mason lost one case.

He did? I didn't know that.

No, he didn't.
I only said that
to make you feel better.

[Groans]

[Knocking]

Hey!

Oh, Robert.

Where have you been.
I've been looking all over
the ship for you.

I've been with the captain.
It was horrible.

Oh, come on. The captain
may be a little boring,

his stories go on
much too long, but...

No, no, it wasn't the captain.

It was what I saw
that was horrible.

What are you talking about?

I saw Maxwell Thorn
murdered last night.

You what?

I did.

I saw a man throw
his body overboard.
I'm so frightened.

Don't worry. I'm here. I'm here.
Did you see what he looked like?

No. I couldn't see his face.

Oh, Ms. York,
I'm sorry you never got
your meeting with Mr. Thorn.

Oh, Ms. Culver,
thank you very much.

That's very nice of you.
I know you must be very upset.

Yes.

Ms. Culver, I'd like for you
to meet my friend Allan Davis.

-Hello.
-It's nice to meet you.

He's adorable.
I wouldn't let him get away.

So, how about it?
Are you going to let me
get away?

I don't know,
you have to be good.
I haven't decided yet.

Sarah, your mother said
something last night
that's been bothering me.

Oh, don't
pay any attention to her.
She just doesn't like you.

I know. It's mutual,
believe me. That's not it.

She mentioned the name of
the girl you found me with
in that hotel.

Allan, we're really not going
to talk about this, are we?

How did she know her name?
She never met her.

I don't know, maybe I told her.

Did you know her name?

No, Allan,
what are you getting at?

I thought we were doing okay.

I really don't want to talk
about what you did to me
back then.

Sarah, I didn't do anything
to you. I was set up.
I told you that.

That girl was there
when I walked in,

in my bed with no clothes on.

I was trying to get her out when
you walked in. I didn't even
know her name was chastity.

Are you trying to
blame this all on my mother?

I just want to know how
she found out the girl's name.

And why did you
come there that night?

What difference
does it make now?

And I really don't understand
why you're bringing this up
all over again.

It was the truth.
I'd never met that woman.

You know, Allan, I thought
that you were different.

I thought you'd grown up enough
at least to be honest with me.

Now please, think,
Mr. Tillman.

Surely at some time
in your life,
you knew Mr. Thorn.

Nope, never did.

Maybe you went to
school together as kids.

Ace, the man says
he doesn't know him.

There was a skippy Thorn.

Good.

But he's a barber now.

Mr. Tillman, come off it.

Thorn gave you a free cruise.
Why would he do that?

Look, young man, I never
look a gift horse in the mouth.

But I'm perfectly willing
to punch you in the mouth
if you don't leave me alone.

Geez, some guys really get
bent out of shape when
you accuse them of murder.

Hard to believe, huh?

[Julie over pa]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Everyone is invited
to amateur night

in the international lounge.

["Conga" playing]

♪ Come on, shake your body
baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ feel the rhythm of the music
getting stronger ♪

♪ don't you fight it till you
tried it, do that conga beat ♪

♪ feel the fire of desire
as you dance the night away ♪

Your idea to have
this amateur show was terrific.
Where did you find her?

She is a secretary from
des moines. She always wanted
to sing and dance.

The passengers seem
to love her.

Oh, you think so?

You know, whenever I make
a suggestion, I always feel
I'm imposing.

Oh, no, she really
has the goods.

♪ There's no way
you're gonna stop ♪

♪ come on, shake your body
baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ feel the rhythm of the music
getting stronger... ♪

Psst.

Excuse me, Emily. Duty calls.

Now, here's how we'll teach
Mr. Honeywell a lesson
he'll never forget.

Everything's in place,
captain.

This time I think
we'll get our killer.

I hope so.

Yeah.

♪ Come on, shake your body
baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ feel the rhythm of the music
getting stronger ♪

♪ don't you fight it till you
tried it, do that conga beat ♪

♪ come on, shake your body
baby, do the conga ♪

Interesting decor, captain.

Oh, yes. It's for a party.

[Knocking]

I'll get that, excuse me.

Ah, come on in, please.

We got word the captain
wanted to see us.

Uh, hello, Irene.

Mr. McBride,
I didn't expect to see you here.

So, what's this all about?

If you'll be seated,
I'll explain everything to you.

Purser Evans has discovered
evidence in our murder
investigation.

You know who it was?

Maybe it would be better
if purser Evans took it
from here. Ace?

Thank you, captain.
On the night in question,
Mr. Thorn had been drinking.

Oh, he walked out on the deck,
but he didn't fall overboard.

No, no, he was met by someone
who knew who he was...

Someone who
seized the opportunity.

That's right, Robert McBride
killed Mr. Thorn.

What?

You're crazy?

Am I? Hmm?

Mr. McBride, isn't it true that
you once worked for Mr. Thorn

as his senior accountant?

-Yes.
-But that hardly
makes him a murderer.

Mr. McBride, isn't it also true
that you embezzled a large sum
of money from Mr. Thorn

and that was the reason
for your quick departure
from Thorn incorporated?

Oh, my.

I don't have to
answer these questions.

-Is it true, Robert?
-No, no, it's not true.

Mr. Thorn brought you on board
this cruise for the purpose
of exposing your crime.

But you couldn't
have that, could you?
No, so you killed him.

Thus, adding murder
to your list of evil deeds.

No, Robert wasn't the one.

But you said you
didn't see the man's face.

No, Robert didn't do it,
because he was with me

right up until the time
that I went out onto the deck.

He wouldn't have had time
to intercept Mr. Thorn.

-He wouldn't?
-No.

How did you know
he worked for Mr. Thorn?

Yes, ace. Where are you
getting all this information?

My father's secretary.
She knows everybody.

You're accusing me of murder
based on the secretarial
grapevine?

I figured you'd want to confess.
I mean, the guilt, the pressure.

You don't want
to spend your life running.

I don't want
to confess to anything.
Come on, Margret.

Gosh, this is hard.

Mr. Evans,
may I make a suggestion?

Why don't you leave
the crime business
to professionals.

I think you're
in over your head. Olé.

Way over your head.

Robert?

What?

You told me that some people
thought you'd stole money
from them. Was it Maxwell Thorn?

Yes, it was.

Come on, you don't believe
any of the stuff that nutcase
said in there, do you?

Tell me the truth.
Did you steal the money?

Margret, I worked for that man
for 18 years. I made him
millions of dollars.

And I got nothing out of it,
nothing. I deserve that money
any way I can get it.

You killed him. You lied,
I lied. You had plenty of time.

No, I did not kill him.
That night, after I left you,

i went to Thorn's cabin,
just to talk to him, just to try
to clear this up somehow.

-He wasn't even there.
-Well, you certainly have
your alibi now, don't you?

Don't worry,
I won't change my story.

I don't want to
see you again.

[Chattering]

Where's your Mr. Davis?

I have no idea.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Is something wrong?

Well, sometimes you think
people have changed,
and they really haven't.

I don't think I'll
be seeing Allan anymore.

Oh. Don't worry, my dear.

Things have a way
of working themselves out.

Oh, Ms. York. There's
a message for you.

Oh?

I hope it's good news.

Thank you.

Maybe it's bad news.

[Knocking]

Just what do you want?
Money?

No more than the next guy.

I won't go one cent higher
than 25,000.

What are you talking about?

Don't you play games with me.
You-- you mullet!

I got your note.

"I know about chastity,
and I can prove it."

I was right. You did set me up.

Tell me, did you call Sarah
and tell her to go to that hotel

or did you have someone
do it for you?

You were never
good enough for Sarah.

Why, if she'd gone off to marry
you, she never would have come
into the business with me.

She'd have gone off
to some ghetto with you
and wasted her life away.

Who was chastity?

What difference does that make?

This note is not from me.
And I don't need your money.

I think Sarah is gonna find
all this very interesting.

You are really pathetic.
What proof do you have?

I can't believe you would
do this to your own daughter.

Sarah won't believe you
any more than I believe
you didn't send that note.

Nice try, mullet.

[Irene]
"As she heard
the screams echo below,

celia was conscious
of something evil
breathing against her.

Something so awful and foul
that she cringed."

[Knocking]

Well, Mr. McBride,
what brings you here?

May I come in?

Well, certainly.

What is it?

I wanted you to know
that I didn't kill Mr. Thorn.

I know that, Mr. McBride.
You're not a murderer.

Yes, but I am a thief.
I embezzled that money.

I worked for Thorn
all those years. I had nothing
to show for it. So I was angry.

But then once I had the money,
I couldn't spend it.

I was afraid somebody
might find me out.

I always thought of myself
as an honest man.

It was difficult getting used
to being a criminal.

You must have
been miserable.

Well, I thought it would be
a lot easier if I left
the country.

That's why when I won
this free cruise, it seemed
like the perfect opportunity

to take the money and put it
in some foreign bank account.

Look, I tried to find Mr. Thorn
the night he was killed.

I wanted to give the money back,

and just take whatever
was coming to me.

-I see.
-So, I know it's
a little belated,

but there's the money.
It's all here.

It's never too late,
Mr. McBride.

Thank you.

Good night.

[Jessica on tape]
I won't go one cent higher
than 25,000.

[Allan] I was right.
You did set me up. Tell me.

Did you call Sarah and tell her
to go to that hotel or did you
have someone do it for you?

[Jessica]
You were never
good enough for Sarah.

Why, if she'd married you,
she'd never have come
into business with me.

She'd have gone off
to some ghetto with you
to waste her life away.

Hello,
my dear sweet mother.

Oh, I can tell by the edge
in your voice

that mullet has been filling
you full of his fantasies.

Mother, why would you
do such a thing?
I was in love with him.

-You don't believe him.
-For all these years, I haven't.

But it seems that
someone has recorded
your conversation on tape.

[Jessica on tape]
...Higher than 25,000.

Oh, look, honey lamb.
It's just because I love you.

I tried to do the best for you.
You had so much potential.

-I just couldn't let you--
-you couldn't let me live my
own life. That's it, isn't it?

You can't stand the thought
of not being in control of
everything that surrounds you.

Your business as well
as your very own daughter.

-Oh, Sarah...
-Mother, that is not love.

Maybe one day
you'll realize that.

Sarah?

What are you doing?

It's okay, the guy
that lives here is dead.

Oh, right.

Ace, I just want you to know
that if we get caught, i'm
blaming everything on you.

Fine. Start looking.

What are we looking for?

Clues.

-Clues?
-Yeah.

How will we know
if we find one?

Just look for anything
out of the ordinary.

A cigarette butt
with lipstick on it,

a crumpled-up piece of paper
with a phone number on it,

a spent cartridge.

A spent cartridge?
The guy was thrown overboard.

He might have been shot first.
I don't know, okay?

Ace, that's the first
smart thing you've said.

You don't know nothing.
I'm getting out of here.

Aha! What have we got here?

What is that?

Why don't we just find out?

[Thorn's voice]
I've told you 100 times.
I don't want to see anybody.

-I don't care who it is.
-That's Thorn.

That's my final offer.
Where's my ham on rye?

-What is this?
-Irene, come in here
and take a letter.

No. Yes. I'll have to
get back to you on that.

Why would Thorn
put his voice on a tape?

That is a very
good question, Isaac.

Thank you, ace.

You're hired. You're fired.
Hold all my calls.

I'm glad you could all be here.

Purser Evans
has an interesting theory
about the murder of Mr. Thorn.

Captain, don't tell us
you're encouraging this madman.

I hate to admit it,
Mr. McBride, but this time,

-i think ace has got something.
-[Thunderclap]

Please, try to be brief.

I'll do my best, sir.

Okay. Okay, I'll admit
this case had me fooled.

-That wouldn't be too hard.
-Isaac.

Yes, yes, I should have seen
it from the very beginning.

Thorn had a reputation
for not being seen in public.

So it was no surprise
when Irene culver,
his personal secretary,

told us Mr. Thorn
had come aboard secretly.

Maybe Thorn was in the luggage.

I had no idea how close
to the truth I was
at that moment.

Later, I went to see Mr. Thorn,

but I was told by Ms. Culver
that he wouldn't see me
or anyone else.

But you told me you saw him.
You said your uncle and he
were old friends.

Oh. Well, yeah,
that's not important now.

I was insistent.
Extremely insistent.

Mr. Thorn, there's
a young man here to see you.

[Thorn's voice]
Who is it?

-It's uh...
-Ashley.

Oh, it's Ashley Evans.
He's the nephew
of Marshall Evans.

Uh, they used to go
duck hunting together.

You used to go
duck hunting together.

I've told you a hundred times.
I don't want to see anybody.

-I don't care who it is.
-Thank you, Mr. Thorn.

She used me to establish
the fact that Thorn
was alive and well,

when, in fact,
he was neither.

-[Thunderclap]
-Oh, you're accusing me.

-Mm-hmm.
-How fascinating.

Wait a minute. You told me
Thorn was alive the night
we broke into his cabin.

You broke into
Mr. Thorn's cabin?

No, he did.

I just went along
because you told me
to keep an eye on him.

Ah! A reminder: Don't always
believe what you see.

Yes, I certainly
saw someone that night.

Just promise me you
won't leave the cabin.

[Man]
Irene, we're on a ship.
What could happen on a ship?

It wasn't Thorn
I saw that night.
It was her accomplice!

You're not trying to drag me
into this again, are you?

Yes, Robert McBride
was Irene culver's
accomplice in murder.

-So you did do it.
-No.

Wait a minute.
This is all very interesting,
but why am I here?

I don't know.
I didn't invite you.

I did. Please,
sit down, Mr. Evans,

and I'll clear up this mystery.

You were right about
many things, Mr. Evans.

Unfortunately,
not the most important one.

The first...

I did kill Mr. Thorn.

You did? You confess?

-Yes.
-[Thunderclap]

[Ace] Grab her before
she gets away! I got her!

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

I-- I'm sorry.

And I did use you, Mr. Evans,
because you were the most eager.

And there was something in
that trunk, but it was hardly
the dead body of Mr. Thorn.

And the night you and nice
Mr. Washington were so kind
as to do your reconnaissance...

Mr. Thorn, I'm begging you,
you've got to stop drinking.

[Thorn]
Leave me alone, Irene.

[Irene]
Once again, you were my witness

to the fact that Mr. Thorn
had been drinking heavily.

I needed people to see
what they thought was Mr. Thorn
falling to his death,

so I made sure he fell past
a populated area in full view.

Unfortunately,
I hadn't counted on Ms. Grant
seeing my little murder.

But I suppose the darkness and
shadows play tricks on a person

who thinks they are witness
to a terrible crime.

[Sighs] And you people
didn't believe my story.

So what happened to Mr. Thorn?

Nothing.

Even though I killed him,
he's alive and well.

More coffee anyone?

I'd like you to meet my husband,
Leonard culver.

That's him. That's the man
that threw Mr. Thorn overboard.

How do you do,
ladies and gentlemen?

Wait a minute,
you've got Thorn's voice.

Ah-- this is very confusing.

Irene. You're Mr. Thorn,
aren't you?

[Laughs] No!

Bravo.
Very good, captain.

You see, years ago,
I discovered that a woman,

in that day and time,

could only get so far
in the business world.

So I created the elusive
millionaire eccentric
who shunned the public eye.

But my uncle told me
he knew Maxwell Thorn.

He said they went
fishing together.

Well, your uncle did just
what you seemed to have done.

He lied to impress his friends.

Oh, well, I might have
implied that I met him.

This is very embarrassing.

But why all this?

For years, hiding behind
the fictitious Maxwell Thorn

afforded me
a unique opportunity
in business.

People only knew me as
his trusted personal secretary.

But lately, Mr. Thorn
had become a burden and
Leonard wanted to travel more.

So we decided to take Mr. Thorn
to sea and leave him there.

But that still doesn't explain
what I'm doing here.

Ah, yes. Before I got rid
of Mr. Thorn,

there was some
unfinished business
that needed to be attended to.

A subsidiary of mine bought
a small company and fired
the engineer who started it.

-George tillman!
-Yes, so I gave him back
his company.

And Mr. Gilbert,
who worked in one of my plants,
contracted a serious disease.

I found him a specialist
who could help him.

And you, Mr. McBride.
I was shocked when you stole
money from the company.

But I knew the good man
was in there somewhere.

You had made a mistake
and would realize it.

I brought you here
to give you the opportunity

to do exactly what you did
when you returned the money.

-You gave the money back?
-Yes, proving he was the man
I always knew he was.

I'm sorry. I still don't
understand why I'm here.
I never knew Maxwell Thorn.

I brought you on this ship to
try to repair the relationship
you once had with Sarah York.

I used a business deal as bait
to get Sarah and her mother
to come on this cruise.

You took the wall
out of our cabin?

I'm good with my hands.
More coffee anyone?

Oh, Leonard. Such a good actor.
He loves the intrigue.

It was thrilling seeing the
two of you get back together.

The elevator, the note?

Well, I used to work
for the government.

Of course, I suppose
the secretary would disavow
any knowledge of my actions.

And Leonard even managed to tape
the encounter with Jessica York.

Sarah has the tape. I think she
has been greatly enlightened.

But how in the world
did you know about all this?

We have a daughter
who led a wayward youth.

You met her once
in a hotel room.

Her name is chastity.

Excuse me.

Who's chastity? What hotel room?
What are we talking about here?

Ace, please, be quiet.
Well, I'm glad this
is finally cleared up.

Please feel free to go
about your business.

Thank you, captain.

Thank you.

Thank you, captain.

Thank you. Good night.

Purser Evans,
we need to talk.

We need to define the duties
of the ship's purser.

Yes, sir. But remember,
I was very close.

[Knocking]

Hi, may I come in?

Sure, Allan.

Allan, I want you to know
that I believe you now.

I realize that my mother
has caused us an awful lot
of trouble.

What do you say we don't
talk about the past?

-It worked last time.
-I'll go along with that.

[Loud clattering]

What's that?

I don't know.

There shouldn't be any icebergs
in this part of the pacific.

-Mrs. Culver!
-Good evening.

I'm telling you this
is against ship policy.

Are you sure we're not
gonna get in any trouble?

Young people today need
all the help they can get.

Emily, how long are
you going to stay mad at me?

I'm not mad at you.

Well, I have something
I think might cheer you up.

Captain,
we have something for Emily.

What? What is this?

Well, read it.

[Emily]
"Emily stubing,
special events director"!

It's your new job.
I arranged it with the line.

Welcome to the crew.
You're very popular.
The talent show was a big hit!

Yeah. And the chef
was wondering if you could
plan some more special buffets.

Say, why don't we all
go down to the crew lounge

-and have a party!
-[All] Yeah!

Now, you're not just
the captain's wife,

you're a member of the crew!

I'd better get to work.

I am so happy!

That makes two of us.

[Theme music playing]