Original subtitles

Shh.

What made you think this was a good idea?

- Fuck even is mudlarking? - Oh, right. Yeah.

How about piss off then? Not now.

It was a good idea!

It was. It was a good idea.

I was gonna just spot the diamond in the mud

and then pull the ring out all, "Oh, babe, what's this?"

It's Kai.

Oh, shit.

- Yeah? - Shit.

Just keep it in, mate.

It's all right, mate. We all do stupid things.

Don't be too hard on yourself, yeah.

Was a 5,000-quid ring, Ant.

All right, be very hard on yourself.

That's moronic just to leave that lying around.

What you doing?

I'm just a fucking... I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking...

- Come on. - I'm a waste.

Jesus fucking... Look, come here.

Fucking course she fucking deserves it.

Look at ya. You're beautiful.

She'd be lucky to have you.

I was gonna point to those million quid penthouses, yeah?

And tell her, "That's where we're going, babe!

That's where I'm taking you... in life.

Because you are a queen."

My queen.

You wanted to tell her you're taking her to Woolwich?

Fuck off, Ant.

Hey, fucking look.

You just... just breathe a second, right?

Think about it.

Close your eyes. Go to your little mind palace.

Come on.

Not this shit again.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Fuck it.

I fucking love you!

Take it easy.

Yeah, he's ready. Get down here.

We love you.

Right, where are we doing your stag?

Hooray! Wakey, wakey!

Arriba!

Welcome to...

♪ Le gusta gasolina ♪

♪ Dame mas gasolina ♪

Hi. Babe?

Are you okay?

Not good.

I feel the madness starting already and I just...

just wanted to hear your voice.

Stu, I love you. Look after Kai and my dad.

Sam, I've got to go.

That was really horrible, I mean, that was.

Well, we all did it. You wouldn't understand.

Listen.

Whilst we're here, you're the best mans, right?

Mine. All mine. Just like old times.

Agreed?

Oi. Taking ages.

I'm stuck listening to Clem and you're gonna whine on about

your university days, Stu.

I need a fucking brain bath after that.

Listen, it's like old times, right?

So I don't want any of this nicey, nicey.

- I just want worst behaviours. - Mate, wise up.

I'm a fucking mister wife and fucking kids now.

And Stu wouldn't be settling down, getting married

like a sad twat if that's what he wanted.

Speak for yourself, Ant.

Listen, what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

Who's in Mexico?

Oh, shut up. Look, listen.

We are all here. Seven of us have flew in.

No, eight of us. Greg's coming later.

Greg? Who the fuck is Greg?

He's... Good boy is Greg.

- You'll like him. - Who fucking cares?

I want fucking best friends, fun in the sun.

Fun, fun, fun, fucking big soapy tits.

Simple fucking fun.

And I don't care if it's not Mexico, okay?

What happens in not Mexico, stays in not Mexico.

Right. Boop.

Get out.

What am I doing?

Shh. My dad.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, mate. This is a stag do, yeah, isn't it?

Yeah. And I have a wife at kids at home these days, mate.

We're not 16 anymore, are we, Kai?

Might be time to act like it.

Clem, Hugo, come on. Don't be shy.

You two never a couple then?

- No. Jesus Christ, no. - Sorry.

Did he say much to you about us lot? Did he?

All right, Kai. Let's have a look at your fourth nipple.

Uh, not really, to be honest.

Pipe down, will ya?

Police! Police! Open up!

You'll get us all nicked.

Ello, mate. You all right?

Where's Stu? Stu!

- Greg! - Come on.

Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!

Greg! Greg! Greg!

Time, soul, and peace of mind.

Double stitched, though, isn't it?

Have yourself a look at that.

Have yourself a look at that.

- It's silk. Silk? - Yeah, lovely, isn't it?

Isn't it lovely? Isn't it fucking lovely?

Hey, could I see that, por favor?

Hey.

What do you do in London?

I work for like a tech start-up.

Like a tech finance start-up.

He wants to give children credit cards.

Could I call you Dad

because I just feel so lucky to marry into this...

this family, right?

The best family. Yeah.

Just you wait.

Wait and see what it'll be.

- Hey! - Hey!

Have a go at this.

- No? - I'm fine.

Andale, andale!

Oh, there he is!

Jumping up so fucking high!

We'd be through by now if we just used the first gates.

Okay. It was too bright. Too many screaming kids.

No regrets here, though. These will open soon enough.

I got Zoom calls to do, for work. With grownups.

I had to open my eyes with my fingers this morning.

Right.

- Ryan? - What?

Are you fucking having a laugh, or...

- What? - No, no, no, no.

- Why'd you bring it here? - Just fucking relax.

Small quantities are fine, yeah?

They're not looking for small quantities.

Your fucking nose. Are you carrying coke?

Have you've never seen "Banged Up Abroad"?

Yeah, exactly.

People do it all the fucking time, all right?

Oi, oi, shh, shh.

Watch this.

What's he...

Hey!

Gracias.

Stupid, lucky...

Why do I associate with the prick bastards?

Hey! What a legend!

What a le... A legend, is it?

You're not kids doing dares in the park anymore.

Stu, your mates are special cases, understand?

Cave people who live in a cave. Square wheels on their cars.

Went on fucking airplanes. Just morons.

- No one likes you, Hugo. - Settle down, mates.

That one? Midnight Express over there,

trying to get us all arrested.

Ryan talks about you nonstop.

Pretty sure he actually wants to fuck you, Stu.

- Like full sex. - You don't even know us, mate.

You're his fake mates from Uni.

Kai, Kai. No offence little fella but, yes.

Yes, I do. You... You're an enchanted donkey.

Someone put a spell on you and now you can talk.

Me next then, is it, Hugo?

"Oh, I miss my family."

Please, boy.

- Behave yourselves. - You fucking wank.

- Calm it down, man. - La vie de twat!

Shit time with shit people.

Go back to the Shire with all the other Hobbits.

- Stu. - Clem, they're just...

Stu, what's up with Greg?

I'm fine.

I think I need to shit. I think I need to shit.

Cocaine?

A lot. A lot of it.

The balloon's planted in his stomach.

He's very lucky to be alive.

Sorry. Balloon? You did say balloon?

Yeah.

You know, balloon?

Yeah, I know what a bloody balloon is, mate.

- Stu? - What?

Why did Greg need a different layover flight

to the rest of us?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey!

Please. Please.

No, it's okay.

I'm a vet. Uh,medica. Medica.

Doctora.

Clem. Clem.

Leave her alone. She's done nothing wrong.

Am... Am I still getting married?

Am I still getting married?

I don't understand. There's women here too.

So, what have they done with Clem?

I just don't understand how this could be happening

without us even going in front of a judge.

Silencio!

And it was only Greg that was smuggling.

You put your hands up to this whole fucking mess.

You hear me?

Dickhead, oi!

The whole fucking thing, do you understand?

Fucking idiot!

He's just had an operation.

What are you thinking about? Open up his bloody stitches?

Silencio! Silencio!

Come on.

You're trying to get us all killed?

The fuck are you doing?

Come on.

Come on.

Keep going.

Fuck!

Fuck me.

I thought it was gonna be like Alcatraz,

but this is fucking worse.

Makes Guantanamo look bougie.

Oh, fuck.

No, no!

Oh, bloody hell.

This poor bastard's hit in the skull.

Jesus.

We're fucked.

Orale!

Do you need any help?

Stu, what the fuck you doing?

Did you see the...

We're in a prison in a country

famous for overcrowded prisons.

Why is this bit empty?

So, where's the prison walls then?

As in, where's the prison walls?

No idea. They look like they're going somewhere.

Jesus Christ. Am I going mad?

Is he making a run for it?

Fuck!

D... Did... Did that just... happen?

Yeah.

Over there. Looks important. Civilized action, yeah?

Right. Let's get in there.

I'll do the shouting. You do the translating.

John, where you going? He needs a doctor.

- I'm fine. - What about...

What he's trying to tell you, Kai, right, is fuck him.

- And fuck us. - Even as a little kid,

you always were a mouth.

Put no more words in mine, asshole!

What I was gonna say is we go in there, me and Kai,

find whoever's wearing the biggest bloody hat,

demand to see the British Consulate

for the lot of us, understand?

Mean time, you lot stretch your legs,

try finding a doctor for that one.

Come on.

We'll be as quick as we can.

You're still a fucking show, Ryan.

Right, we need to sort this out.

I'll tell you right now,

I am not moving a muscle toward that fucking... stain.

I'm fine.

To be fair, mate, Greg wasn't the only one

trying to shift drugs pass an international border, was he?

Fuck off, you soppy twat.

That is completely bloody different, you know it is.

Right.

Dickheads, mate.

- Ry! Ryan. - Hold tight, yeah.

We'll be back with help, all right?

I'm fine.

Hugo, you... you good, yeah?

Get in there. Go.

Ryan!

No dying.

Hey, hey.

You stupid bastard.

I'm fine.

Ryan! Ryan.

- We're mates, yeah? - What you talking about?

'Cause mates... mates don't do that.

Mates don't palm mates off

like they're some fucking worm or something.

Do they, though? It just wasn't...

He's bleeding through his clothes. You wanna do this now?

We're supposed to have each other's backs, yeah?

Since school, since fucking school I've had yours.

We was the Three Musketeers. You, me, and Kai, of course.

Now you've been on walkabout with Sam and Uni

and fucking bumming it about with flipping Clem and fucking...

What's his name back there? Fucking dickhead boss baby.

- Hugo. - Hugo. Thank you.

But I just need to know that you still know what's important.

Uh, there might be a way out of here.

Right? So, is it still me and you, Stu?

We're Friends.

Oh, God, for...

Of course I have your back, Ryan.

All right?

All for one and one for all.

Fuck it. Let's go get him a fucking doctor then.

Yep.

Uh, no, no.

Just walk.

There's gotta be a doctor in here somewhere.

- What's going on here? - Why the fuck you're asking me?

Don't look 'em in the eyes.

This is insane. Insane.

Is this even a fucking prison?

Rouge fucking state maybe.

Chickens.

Lads, lads, lads. Enfermería, right?

That must mean there's a doctor pointing this way.

Come on, come on, come on. Let's go.

Go on. Ask him.

Here's the story we spin

to whatever it is lives behind the door,

and I will demand they're both innocent of all charges,

caught up among some scum.

No, I wouldn't even be here if Stu wasn't marrying that Sam.

We want to see the governor.

You all right?

Well, they're my friends, Dad.

Take a seat please, gentlemen.

Rápido!

Why'd you have to be such a fucking idiot and do this to us?

Fuck.

I'm okay.

It's just a small cut.

Wonder what they'll want.

You can handle them.

You work with kids, right?

I work for a company trying to infect children

with a taste for high interest credit, Greg.

I never said I was Patch Adams.

Uh, Doctor.

Doctor.Sí?

Por favor.

You need money. I sell money.

Dad borrow from his boss, Branco.

He's crazy. Talk to me.

I work for Selma. She is reasonable.

Uh, he needs a doctor.

You should get him to a doctor.

Sí! Por favor. That's what I'm fucking saying.

Everything here costs money.

You have no money. Borrow Selma's money.

Fucking kids.

Selma's deals are shit. Borrow from Branco.

What the fuck is a Branco?

- Branco is the boss. - Right, how much?

35 percent a week.

Get a job here, pay me back,

or Branco takes the value out of you.

Out of me? Out of me? What does that even mean?

Por favor, amigo.

Sí, sí. Por favor.

No, you give me the phone first. Thank you...

Por favor.

Greg, what are you doing? We're not accepting this.

You're dying anyway.

It's too expensive. Fucking Lehman Brothers.

¿Comprende?

It's too late. I've sorted it.

Great.

Hello!

Por favor! Por favor!

It's an emergency, man!

Stu, they're fucking staring.

Stu, we've tried, right?

- What? - You're making a scene.

Oh, shit.

Uh, you... you... you a doctor?

El...

Me-Medical.

Sí.

Mi... Mi amigo... Uh, mi amigo is muy...

Buggered if I know. Sorry.

I can mainly order lager, mate.

Nice one.

Uh, who's going to say yes?

Sí, señor. Sí.

No, no, no, senor, mi... mi amigo...

Just get inside.

You seem to think you're being held here

as criminals, is that correct?

Well, I mean, we are in a prison.

You certainly are.

A prison in which you're being held on remand

until such time as your case

goes before a state judge for decision.

So, how long will that be then?

Five or six years is a good guess

to face trial, there... thereabouts.

Courts in this country are sadly rather backed up.

We're British citizens, you daft prick.

Whatever shit shape your banana republic's laid up in

is hardly any of his or my bastard doing, is it?

I take no issue with alerting the British Embassy

to the facts of your presence...

for all the good I imagine it will do.

Eight westerners with an objection

to being caught with lots of drugs in an airport.

Ssss. Ay.

Look, forget the others. Bin 'em.

What can you can do for me and my son here?

We are wrongly wrapped up in all of this,

and I can swear to that.

You'll find, gentlemen,

that El Porco Negro operates best

according to an ecosystem all of its own.

The black pig?

It's wisest to go with the flow.

Hello? Hello?

Hello!

Morfina.

Ho, ho, ho.

No, senor, no.

Um,mi amigo is, uh...

No mi amigo, no mi amigo, mi amigo!

He-He-He has...

Fucking... Oh...

Boom!

- Yeah. - Yeah.

All right, yeah. Close enough.

Yeah, senor... So can we andale, por favor.

Mi amigo is...

Oh!"Mi amigo, mi amigo, mi amigo!"

What's happening?

What the fuck?

What is that?

Off!

- Off! - All right.

- Fuck off! - Just do it. Do it.

Come here. You remember me.

- ¿Es este tu amigo? - No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - No mi amigo.

No, no, no, no, no! He's not my...

He's not my mate.

Jesus!

Oh, fuck!

Jesus Christ, man!

Oh, my God.

Hey. Hey, guys!

I want you to know, if I could, I would be clapping right now.

You saved my life, okay?

You really are the white men

I've been waiting for my whole life.

What are you talking... Who... Who are you?

Forget about that.

How 'bout getting me untied first, okay?

- I can help you. - Why has he got you

- in a bath there with ice? - Yeah. Why?

It's a treatment for my skin, you know.

And I wanted to lose some weight.

So he could harvest my organs!

My liver. My kidneys.

Last week's fried fish I had for lunch.

Whatever the hell else

this loco puto could pull out of me alive to sell on...

Come on. Help me, please.

Hey! Guys!

You fucking go over there.

Fuck!

There are instruments there to cut. Something and a knife.

Uh, okay. This should work.

Where'd you learn your English? Like, it's really good.

Oh!

Tell you later. Ahh!

Once I've coaxed my balls back out of my stomach.

Mate, he's getting up! He's getting up!

What do I do? What the fuck do I do?

Hey, hey! Forget him. He's the shittiest guy.

Don't even feel a bit bad about him.

Help me. Help me.

Help me. Quickly. Come on.

- Don't shoot! Don't shoot! - Stay away. Hey!

- Stay away, yeah? - No, no, no, no. Amigo!

Amigo!

Where is he going?

What... What... What's going on?

Gracias. Gracias.

Go, go, go!

We gotta go. We gotta go. We gotta go.

You guys look mental. Just calm down.

Look, things are looking up, right?

The prison's obviously sent

these suave-looking articles to get Brits into.

John, we need to get out of here now.

I don't know if you've noticed, but we're in a bloody prison.

Are the embassy coming? Are they coming to get us?

Do our families know? Does Ruby know yet?

Look... Look, I don't know.

What does that mean?

It means... It means what it means. What can I say?

- What does it mean? Tell me! - It means I don't know!

I don't know, I don't have the bloody answers, all right?

Fuck.

We're fucking kids, man. Fuck.

This can't be happening. This can't be real.

Help yourselves to a seat.

Um, look, I don't know what this is,

but maybe sit the fuck down.

We're not safe. Here, not safe.

That doctor we went to find.

There's a mini fucking city the other side of that arch...

From London with love, yes?

Hurricane. Warm beer.

Park life.

Oi, oi.

So, if you had to put a number on it,

how rich would you say your sick friend actually is?

Uh, sorry. You mean... You mean Greg?

So, just before passing out,

I'm told that Greg, let it be known,

that his family owns a massive bakery in the UK

called Greg's.

And that's why he's called Greg.

Any truth to that?

Well, I couldn't say for sure.

He's kind of a private sort of guy.

Why are you in here? Which crime?

Greg...

Uh, Greg...

tried smuggling cocaine

to, uh, England in his, uh, stomach.

Oh.

A mule.

Greg's a mule.

Your friend Greg is not a millionaire.

Hmm.

It is an expensive thing to purchase emergency surgery

when you are outside prison,

but it is an incredibly expensive thing

to purchase while in prison.

Everybody with me so far?

So...

Either Greg is what he says he is.

A secret millionaire who for some yet unknown reason

is transporting petty quantities of drugs

across continents in his own stomach

or I have a bunch of Brits

who owe me, say,

$200,000.

Uh...

$200,000?

With all due respect, love, that's, um...

I mean, that's crazy.

That's crazy.

There's nothing crazy about it, love.

It is your new situation. You owe me a lot of money,

and if you don't pay up, I start chopping you up

and mailing you back to your family in little pieces.

Guys, I take it from here.

Um, would you be happy

if we took a bridging loan

from an individual called, um, I think,

uh, Branco?

Happy?

Branco is my brother.

We are two parts of the same body in many ways.

But the fact is you don't borrow money

from the asshole to pay back the brain.

Cheer up, muchachos.

Maybe sneaky Greg is a millionaire after all,

or you little piggies better come up with a plan.

Stu, does Greg have that money?

Stu?

Stu?

Un fax.

Gracias.

Muchas gracias.

Fantastico.

Uh, he say it's from the embassy.

Uh, right. Um...

They are aware...

of our situation.

Okay.

They're aware of our situation.

Is that supposed to be fucking it?

- What's the rest of it say? - It always says, um...

It says...

we're facing a hundred years.

Wha...

No way. No way.

What?

Bollocks.

And then it's just signed. It's signed "Bernerd."

- It's just signed Bernerd. - Who the fuck is Bernerd?

Sorry. Uh, how do you even get

a 100-year worth of coke in one stomach?

They've got nothing on us, so they're having to make shit up.

You know, I think this is good news.

This is good news, boys.

In what possible sense could this be good news, Dad?

Because if they're making shit up,

then they must know we should have never been arrested

in the first place.

He says the embassy have arranged a cell for us.

Thank you, Bernerd!

The embassy, they're looking after us.

End's in sight. It is.

Maybe he's right.

100 years, that is ridiculous. Like, too ridiculous.

It's a fucking stitch-up.

There you go.

Three lines on the shirt, not out yet.

Um...

What did I tell you, boys?

I wonder if breakfast is included.

Can you take it down a notch, please?

Fuck it. Do you think this means we get a phone call now, too?

It's gonna be all right.

Shit.

Shit.

That's not gonna be us, mate.

It's nothing.

There's the fucking ice bath.

We've, uh... We've found Clem.

Clem, where the hell did you...

Do you know who I am?

I'm a man who you owe pair of working kidneys.

According this poor bastard.

Uh...

Sorry about the chair.

Right.

So, there is two fresh kidneys,

and I think I should have another one for my trouble.

So,

who's getting in the fucking bath?

I think it might be more than Greg in on it.

Greg definitely had help.

- I was defending my friends. - We think he is a liar.

- Stu's sitting there for what? - Something not right there.

The way things used to be done around here had more balls.

So, how do we get out of here, huh?

Are you fucking in?

It's my rules, understand?

Does anyone got the first idea what the fuck is going on here?