Original subtitles

Oh, my God!

Look at this lobby. Look at this color.

Ma, this c... It's chic. It has character. It's New York.

- What number are you in? - 406.

Here's 405.

Ma, the fire escape is that way.

Ma, there it is, 406.

Ma, how do I look? Please, quick.

- Is your roommate a boy? - Ma, please, how do I look?

You look beautiful, sweetheart.

Come on, in. The door's open.

Oh, my God. Steps!

- Mom, it's a penthouse. - A penthouse?

I'm gonna have a heart attack climbing up to her penthouse.

The lobby was better.

Mom, it's what I've always wanted.

Hi! It's Sheila. Sheila Levine, your roommate.

Listen, I'm in this an incredible rush.

I was supposed to meet this guy at five o'clock.

- And I'm late already. - Listen, it's almost five o'clock now.

Is there anything I can do to help you? It's almost five o'clock now.

- Please, let me help you. - Sure.

- Is there... Is there... - All right.

- ...anything I can get for you? - So late.

Listen. Will you do me a favor?

- Yeah. - I haven't got a key to the apartment.

So will you leave the door open?

- No key? - What do you mean leave the door open?

When you come home, you'll knock, Sheila will be here

- and she'll open the door for you. - I don't know what time I'll be home.

Your pants aren't up.

Is... is... Is there something else that you need?

- A... a purse, something... - Ta!

What kind of roommate are you getting mixed up with?

Where is she going that she... that she doesn't know

when she's coming back?

Ma, she probably went on a very important business engagement.

What kind of business?

Mother, she is an actress.

Oh, my God!

This is what you left home for?

Ma, come on.

Daddy must have been around the block about 20 times by now.

These beds should be sent to the Salvation Army.

The whole building should.

- Mom, come on, Daddy's waiting. - Oh, my God.

Come on, Ma.

I should put this in the refrigerator, but I'm afraid to open it.

You put it out on the fire escape, until you wash it clean.

- This is... - Who's gonna clean up this place?

- Ma, I am, after you... - You don't even know how to hold a broom.

You know, what I'm gonna do?

- What? - I'm gonna stay here

- and help you clean. - Mom.

Daddy is downstairs in the car and it's almost... It's getting dark.

Well, you know what I'll do? I'll go down and tell him to go home

- and I will... - He can't drive in the dark, Ma.

Yeah, but who's gonna help you clean?

Hold the elevator!

- Hi! - Thank you.

- Just moving in? - Uh-huh.

I saw your stuff on the street.

- Oh, my God. - I'm Agatha Harowitz.

- How do you do? - Welcome to the worst run,

- dirtiest building in New York. - I didn't say it.

I'm Sheila Levine and this is my mom, Bernice Levine.

- Hello. - She's just going home.

- Thanks so much. - See you in the laundry room.

- If you have the guts to go down there. - Sheila!

Listen, I'm not saying a word.

But if you were married, if you had a husband,

you wouldn't have to worry about going down to the laundry room.

Come here, sweetheart.

Sheila, come here, baby.

Come here, baby.

Listen, sweetheart. Here's $50. This is just until you get yourself a job.

And remember, I'm going to call you person to person.

If you're home, say you're not home and I'll call you

- right back station to station. - Right back station to station.

- Okay, baby. Bye-bye. - Goodbye, Mom.

You're so beautiful, darling.

Give a kiss.

- Okay. - Have a safe trip, Ma.

Okay, I'll call you.

Sheila! Sheila, don't forget to get a new lock and a key.

And be sure that you don't let anybody in, unless you know who it is.

- Okay, Ma. - And Sheila, buy some Lysol.

- Okay, Ma. - Goodbye, darling.

Goodbye, Ma.

Sheila? She... Sheila. I thought you were the cleaning lady.

- You shouldn't walk on that floor. - What?

- I just waxed it. - What?

Nothing. I was talking to myself.

Listen, I have to get to the hardware store,

so I could pick up our keys on time.

- Do you know what time it is now? - I just got up. I'll call.

Operator, this is an emergency. What time is it?

Thank you.

Shit! I'm gonna be late!

I was supposed to be at a cocktail party half an hour ago.

I need a commercial agent. I think I'm gonna do a commercial for it.

I'm gonna be at Sly's at 10 o'clock.

Sheila! Sheila, where are my clothes?

It's a mess! What have you done to my clothes?

No, I didn't get to clean the closet.

- What did you do with them, Sheila? - Well, I put them downstairs

- in the closet. - Where downstairs?

Down... I put everything downstairs.

- Shit, Sheila. - I didn't have time to...

- I didn't... I... Your sweaters... - You shouldn't touch my things!

- Please Sheila, this is red. - That's my...

Just do me a favor and don't mess with stuff, again.

- I tried to clean... - I always said, that's all you need.

- Just mess it all up. Okay? - I'm... I was trying to explain everything.

Hold on. What do you want? I'm in a hurry.

- It's me, Sheila! - I know! What do you want?

- I brought some towels in for you. - Thank you.

Hey Kate, listen, do you know this toilet isn't working?

Yeah, I used it yesterday.

I'm gonna have to have Jose look into this.

Well, how did you get all the curd off of this?

- I thought it would never come off. - Lysol!

You spray it on, and you wipe if off.

It leaves no stain and no gritty residue.

You must have been working your ass off all clay.

Kate,

we're gonna have to have a talk.

We're gonna have to figure out who cleans what,

and figure out who pays for what.

- I mean, I put out about $20... - Listen Sheila...

- ...for all that stuff. - ...I'm expecting a check

from my trust fund any clay now. So, if you keep a record of that stuff,

I'll pay you back when... When I get the check, okay?

I've never met anyone who had a trust fund before.

I'm not going to rely on it.

I intend to make it on my own, as an actress.

I'm sorry, Sheila!

Kate. Kate, you forgot your shoes.

Thanks. You know, that smells good.

Are you having a dinner party?

No, I thought that you and I could have dinner together.

Well, Sheila, thank you. But I don't eat.

If you don't eat your mashed potatoes, you'll grow up to look like a boy.

- Yeah? - No, you have to eat.

I mean, seriously, if you don't eat, you'll get sick.

- You'll get run down. - Okay.

- And what good is a sick actress? - Okay.

I mean, you don't take time to take a breath.

- Okay! - You're always rushing in and out,

rushing everywhere.

- How can you get the strength? - Okay!

Sheila, look.

If I wanted a goddamn mother, I would have stayed at home! She's nuts!

Shit.

Shit.

Look.

If you're not doing anything tonight, why don't you meet me later at Sly's?

They've got fantastic guys there.

I can't.

I've too much stuff to do.

I mean, I told Jose...

to come help me move that stuff upstairs.

- Okay, okay that's cool. - I've got to... I got to...

I... I don't even know any of the current New York dances anyway.

Nobody knows how to dance.

You can do anything you want to. They just get up there and wiggle around.

Just like your mopping. That's it!

Bend your knees. That's right. Now throw the mop away. Keep bending.

I'll put some music on.

Okay, okay. Now, that's right. Now, put your hands to your side.

Okay. Now, just like you're mopping.

Keep mopping, yeah. That's right. That's right, mommy, you got it!

Practice, and I'll see you tonight at Sly's. Don't be late. At 10 o'clock.

And don't you be late. Keep practicing.

That's right.

Kate.

Kate.

Kate, Kate. Kate Christiansen!

Hey, Sheila.

Hi. I've been practicing.

I killed somebody today.

You know what I did today?

I performed an abortion.

I'll tell you something.

It was my first...

and my last.

Just because you're a doctor,

it doesn't mean you have to perform abortions.

I was just thinking if... If, you know, a mother wants to...

Screw the mother!

You kidding?

Do you realize how many... how many brilliant people

could have been victims of abortions?

How many...

how many great people came from unwanted homes?

- You wanted? - I hope so.

- I... I don't... I don't know. - Yeah.

And I'm not killing anymore of those people.

What if Einstein's mother didn't want him? No big loss there.

- We'd have no theory of relativity. - That's right.

You agree with me?

You made a very important point.

You do, don't you?

Thank you.

Waitress.

Get this girl a drink. What are you drinking?

A frozen sloe gin fizz.

Miss, do you... do you have, you know, pre-shaped ice?

And... And put it in a blender

- with half sweet and sour. - Wait a minute.

- It's like a snow-cone. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Bring me another bourbon on the rocks and, bring the lady the same thing.

A little water. A little water. Okay?

What...

What part of Iowa are you from?

I'm from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Same thing.

It... It's...

obvious to you that I'm from out of town?

Give me your hand.

- My hand? - Relax.

Hey, Harrisburg. Do you realize what that looks like?

- Mopping? - Mopping.

Come here.

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

- The old way. - The old way?

What old way?

Just... just follow me.

Maybe we should introduce ourselves. I'm Sheila Levine.

Sam. Sam Stoneman.

Just... just watch my feet.

Hey, look. This is stupid.

You know what we ought to be doing?

Talk.

Let's go to some nice quiet place and talk.

- Talk? - Yeah.

I like talking to you. Come on.

This looks like your apartment.

It is. Belongs to the hospital.

I thought you said, "We were gonna go some place nice and quiet."

- This is noisy? - No.

I just didn't think you meant your apartment.

Come on in, sit down. What can I get you?

Nothing, thank you. I'm... I'm fine right here. Thank you.

You know, if you're...

If you're fine right there, you might as well be comfortable.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Isn't this better? Quiet. No noise.

No people.

- We can just talk. - It's nice and quiet.

- It's a good thing. Don't you think? - What?

Talking. Communication. Best thing in the world.

I think that... I... I... I think that communication

is one of the best things in the world.

Of course, there is another thing. It's not so bad.

Some people say, "That's the highest form of communication."

I wanted to ask you something. How much do you pay for this place?

- I mean, by the month. - This?

Nothing. It's free to residents. Let me ask you a question.

How do you feel about being honest?

- What do you mean? - Honest.

I... I think honesty is the best policy.

- You believe that? - Or I wouldn't have said it.

- You're for it? - I'm all for it.

- Okay, you wanna make it? - What?

You wanna make love?

You see, Doctor...

I have this problem.

This doesn't happen on the first date in Harrisburg?

Yeah, yeah, that's... that's the problem.

Sheila, what would happen if tomorrow you were run over and killed by a truck?

My mother would have a heart attack.

Think besides that.

I mean, wouldn't you feel silly if you wasted the whole evening?

- Be honest. - Honest?

I probably wouldn't feel anything. I'd probably be dead.

Okay. There you are.

- What do you mean? - It would be a waste.

Well, in other words, then,

what you want... What you want me to say is... is...

- What you wanna know how I honestly feel? - That's what I wanna know.

Okay, then, well...

let... Let me tell you how I... How I honestly feel.

I've only been with one other guy,

Norman Botley.

And, we've, you know, known each other since we were kids.

We're in fourth grade together, you know.

And...

still being honest?

I don't even know if we did it right.

I mean, you thought my dancing was really stupid.

Hey, why don't you come over here and sit down?

Listen,

I have to get up really early tomorrow. I have to... I have to get a job.

I'll set the alarm.

You... You see, I promised my mother, you know, and you have to get

- a good night's rest. - Look, Sheila. What do you want?

Do you wanna go home? I'll take you home right now.

Is that what you really want? You wanna go home?

I don't know what I want.

And I think you better let me hang up your coat.

Oh, my God.

That was incredible.

I never thought that that could happen to me.

Wow.

You think that you know how it's supposed to be.

But it never is the way you think it's supposed to be.

You have dreams and you have fantasies.

But you never think that you'll experience it for yourself.

For the first time, in my whole life...

I felt... I felt like a woman.

Or at least,

what I think a woman is supposed to feel like.

Do you know...

that everybody kept asking me why I was coming to New York?

I couldn't say anything.

I came to New York because...

I wanted... I wanted so desperately...

to find someone...

to love.

Somebody who would love me back.

And I finally found him.

Sheila, listen.

What we had tonight was...

It was great, but...

it was tonight.

I mean, I'm a bachelor.

A bachelor.

This was...

It was two people satisfying an urge.

Two people who wanted to get laid.

Sheila, where you going? What do you think you're gonna do?

You can't run around New York City this time in the morning, it's not safe.

Listen to me. I'll tell you what we'll do.

You take the bed, I'll sleep on the floor, all right?

And I promise you, I won't lay a glove on you.

Come on, Sheila. This is ridiculous. What did you want me to do?

Say, "I love you." Is that it? Say, "I love you."

What kind of honesty is that?

- I mean, that's just bullshit! - Get out of my way!

Would you please get out of my way?

I'll do it.

Dr. Stonnan, I never want to see you again.

- Even. - Stoneman.

All right, Miss Levine, if you just come in here and find a seat.

Now, how many words a minute?

About 22. But, I didn't really wanna type.

We'll put down 60. Twenty-two isn't gonna get us anywhere.

You know, once you get stuck in that kind of job,

you know, you just kind of stay there.

And, I really didn't wanna start out with typing.

I prefer not even to start with typing.

You've said that before, Miss Levine. I know you don't wanna type.

Nobody who comes in here wants to type.

Miss Burke, I'm not sure you understand. I'm a college graduate.

The whole world's a college graduate. Everyone went to college

and they all want creative jobs. Nobody wants to collect garbage or type.

My cousin Barbara came to this city. She got a great job.

She married the president of a company.

She lives in Scarsdale and she never typed.

This year, you buy 12 gross. I'll give you three gross free.

Is that a deal?

- I'm telling you, we're not... - Paul, you wanna okay this thing for me?

Molly said to put those boxes in...

- Sorry. Put those box... - No problem.

- Can I have that back? - Yeah, sure.

Molly said, put those...

- John. - Yeah.

It's not gonna work 'cause the rhythm's all wrong.

- What do you know about rhythm? - Miss Levine. Miss Levine!

- Mr. Higgendorf? - Would you... would you come in, please?

Mr. Higgendorf!

- I'm sorry, Mr. Higgendorf. - Are you all right?

Yes, Mr. Higgendorf, thank you.

Why don't you just sit down, so we can talk.

- Thank you. - Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

The "For college graduates agency" recommended you highly.

Would you mind repeating that?

The "For college graduates agency" recommended you highly.

You didn't say, "How many words a minute?"

- No. - I can't believe it.

Finally, somebody read my application.

You know something?

All this time, they must've been sending out

somebody else with my application.

- All I ever wanted was something creative. - Mm-hmm.

And all I've been offered is typing.

Now, your job would have creative aspects. But,

- you would have to do a little typing. - Typing.

- Y... Yes. - Mr. Higgendorf,

I want to thank you very much for your time.

This is your doorknob. It came off of your door.

- Thank you. - Wait a minute, Miss Levine.

Sit down. Please.

Please.

I read your application very carefully,

and I was very impre... I was very impressed with the fact

that you have a degree in Education.

Mr. Higgendorf.

Look, would I be offering you this job if all I thought you could do is type?

- Thank you. - Miss Levine, we are the leading

children's record producers in the country.

We have the Singing Squirrels.

Come on, follow me. Up, up, up! Come on!

Let's go again real quick, then we'll do just like a run through for ourselves.

- Okay? Okay. Here. - You see, Miss Levine.

We are the Singing Squirrels!

Mr. Higgendorf, we're going to need those baskets.

Right. You're not just a typist. You're a typist singer.

- Do you play an instrument? - Well, the trumpet very badly.

Well, start practicing and bring it with you next time you come.

Okay, next... Next to Rochelle, right there,

- on the end. That's it, that's good. - Hi! Come here.

A great big oom-pa-pah!

She looked up and said, a-ha You're the one for me

Yeah, all right, you know, what we need here?

Rochelle and...

- Sheila. - Sheila. Hi Sheila.

Take the tambourine

and, shake it. Shake it real hard right now.

Okay, and say, "Oom-pa-pah" while you're shaking it.

Oom-pa-pah!

- Oom-pa-pah! - Oom-pa-pah!

- Oom-pa-pah! - Oom-pa-pah!

Oom-pa-pah! Okay.

Oom-pa-pah! Oom-pa-pah

Oom-pa-pah! Oom-pa-pah

Oom-pa-pah! Oom-pa-pah

It's getting better.

You said, a-ha, you're the one for me

Oom-pa-pah! Oom-pa-pah

You having fun?

Oom-pa-pah! Oom-pa-pah

You're the one for me

Well, you're great!

Oom-pa-pah! Oom-pa-pah

Shake it, harder.

Hold the elevator, please!

- Okay. - Agatha, hi.

- Hi, how's it going? - Great!

- I just got a great new job. - Terrific!

You know, we ought to get together some time.

- I'd love to. - How about tonight?

- I can't. I have to line my shelf. - I'm great at lining shelves.

Tomo... I start first thing tomorrow morning.

I have to wash my hair and everything, you know.

- We'll make it some other time. - I'd love to, Agatha.

I'd love to, too. When?

Kate! Guess what?

Kate! I got a job at a record company.

- That's fantastic, Sheila. - I start first thing tomorrow.

And I get to play my trumpet.

Sheila, do you mind practicing that thing later?

I've got a commercial and I've got to rehearse.

- You've got a commercial? - Hmm-mm.

And I have a job. We're both working.

- Isn't that good? - It's wonderful.

Could I help you learn your lines or something?

Sheila, that's not the problem. I haven't got any lines.

The big problem is, that I have to put this hose on.

Very sexily and very smoothly without getting any runs.

- Who's that? - Shit! There he is.

- There who is? - That guy.

- What guy? - Well, I got conned into a blind date.

- Well... - Sheila, will you go downstairs

- and get rid of him? - Well, maybe you wanna go out with him.

No, I've got another date.

You don't mind, do you?

Certainly not, I'll get rid of him by playing the trumpet.

Just tell him that I'm a hooker and he can't afford me.

Okay.

Yes, can I help you?

Harrisburg.

You live here. You're the roommate.

And you must be...

I'm sorry. I can't seem to place the face.

You know, you had me worried.

Running out like that in the middle of the night.

You don't do that in this town.

What do you know?

Plenty.

- I think I have a date with your roommate. - She isn't here.

She had to go out.

She is... working.

- Let me come in a minute. - No.

- Why not? You've got somebody upstairs? - No.

But I am expecting to have somebody upstairs.

While you're expecting to have somebody upstairs,

why don't you let me use the john?

I'll hurry.

Can you hurry quickly?

I'll hurry quickly.

Sheila!

Sheila, where's my yellow dress? I can't find it.

I had to let the guy up here.

- He's in the bathroom. - Sheila, I have a date in ten minutes

and I have to get ready. Get rid of him.

- Where's my yellow dress? - I'll get rid of him. Where's my robe?

May I ask what you're doing?

Well, this looks pretty good but it's falling apart.

I think we're gonna have a stew.

What a pity you won't have time to enjoy it.

- You see, Stan. - Sam.

Sam? Sam.

Sam, Sam, Sam.

You meet so many men in my profession, and...

Sam? Sam? Sam!

Sam, the doctor.

How could I ever forget the evening that we spent together?

It was such an amusing evening.

That was the evening that I chose...

to see what it felt like,

giving it away for nothing.

I discovered something that evening, Sam.

I hadn't missed a thing.

Sheila.

Sheila, you don't have to be embarrassed about that evening.

Embarrassed?

Sometimes I say things that come out a little rough, but...

I'm glad your roommate's not here.

Because regardless of what that looks like,

it's still a home-cooked meal and...

I'd like to have a home-cooked meal.

Okay?

Okay.

Sheila, are you gonna let me out of this room now?

- He's cooking. He's cooking. - He's what?

- He's cooking. - Sheila, I thought you said,

he just needed two seconds to pee?

Listen, the whole thing is my fault.

I shouldn't have let him up in the first place.

I'll eat with him.

- That doesn't get you out of here. - You know what?

We have to make something up to get you out of here.

- What? What? - I don't know, think of something.

Okay.

- I've got a brilliant idea. - What is it?

I'll pretend like I'm a dealer,

and I just scored some shit for Kate.

What's a dealer?

It doesn't matter, he'll understand.

- Here. - I have one.

We have to say that you're not Kate. We can't say, "Hello, this is not Kate."

We can say that you're Linda. We'll say that you're Linda,

our other roommate.

I'll... I'll just introduce you as Linda and then you can leave.

Okay, that's a brilliant idea.

- Linda. You got it? - Linda.

- Linda, our other roommate. - Linda. Linda. Linda.

Sam, I'd like you to meet our other roommate, Linda.

Linda! Nice girl.

- Linda, I'd like you to meet Sam. - Hi, Sam.

Sam?

Linda, I want you to have a wonderful time.

My name's Kate.

That's right. Her name is Kate. That's Kate.

You know, I do... I get names mixed up all the time.

Sam, Stan, all the time.

Linda is the one who went out to work. This is Kate. That's Kate.

Are we gonna go?

What?

We do have a date, don't we?

Yeah, we do have a date.

Well, where are we gonna eat?

I've got a stew cooking here, so why don't we all eat here?

I'd love to eat here.

Sheila, would you get the door?

Well, I'll... I'll just get the door.

Will you give me cooking lessons?

Who taught you how to cook?

Well, I just watched my mom.

- How many mama's do you have? - Only one.

I don't believe you.

- Agatha. - Sheila, I know you said you were busy,

but I have to talk to you.

- Agatha, we're having dinner. Agatha! - I have to talk to you.

- Agatha! It's my friend, Agatha. - Right.

I have to talk to her for a second. I'll be right back.

- Agatha. - First you have to put oil in here.

I don't know if you noticed it or not, but I have been very depressed lately.

- What's wrong? - I'm in love with someone.

Of course, they don't know.

But I can tell they don't wanna be with me as much as I wanna be with them.

Agatha, you've gotta stop playing games

and tell the other person exactly how you feel about them.

Sheila, I love you.

I don't even know if it works. I haven't tried it myself yet.

Sheila, you don't understand.

It's you I love.

You're the person I wanna be with.

How do you feel about me?

- Agatha! - Yes, Sheila, yes.

- Agatha, I'm... I'm... - Say it, Sheila, say it.

- Agatha, I'm... I'm not... - You're not what?

I'm... I'm not a lesbian.

We refer to ourselves as gay.

- You'll learn. - Agatha, listen. I... I really...

I... I don't have time to learn. I don't... I... I couldn't.

But, Agatha,

do you know who is in love with you? I mean, in love with you.

- Who? - My roommate, Kate.

She is in love. Agatha, I can tell.

Agatha, every night I go to sleep, she sleeps next to me

- all she does is talk about you. - Really?

- Ringing in my ears. Agatha. Agatha. - Kate?

She's right there.

She's been waiting for a moment like this.

Yeah?

I know it.

- Kate. - Huh?

Tomorrow night, dinner at my place. Eight o'clock, sharp.

What was that?

Try this.

Sheila, who was that girl who's dawned through here?

- That was good. What? - Who was that girl who came through here?

Agatha.

Well, Agatha propositioned me in the middle of the living room.

What do you mean?

She asked me to dinner at her place tomorrow night at eight o'clock.

- Well, are you going? - Not without you!

How's it going, honey?

Rochelle, I just made another mistake.

Do you have any corrective type?

Honey, don't try and be such a perfectionist.

- Just type an x over it. - Perfectionist?

Rochelle, I should have thought about putting X's over it before.

Hiya, what's happening?

I was worried about you.

You didn't come home last night, young lady.

I was rehearsing. I was at Rochelle's.

Sheila, listen, I really have to thank you.

Because if you hadn't answered the door, I never would have met Sam.

Sheila, I can't believe that I would turn onto such a straight guy.

I mean, he's so different.

He's... I don't even know what he is.

Hey, we've gotta find Sheila an old man.

Parties are a terrific way of meeting people.

You get to look over a lot at once.

I know a lot of people. We'll have it at our apartment.

But one more thing, be sure and invite twice as many guys as girls.

Of course.

Hey, when the hell the broads supposed to get here?

- Why don't we play a game? - Terrific idea. What?

- Charades. - Charades?

We used to play charades at school.

- I love it. - Everybody loves charades.

Everybody loves charades.

You are gonna love this.

Now let's divide the room up into two teams.

- Does everybody know how to play? - Here's how. Tell 'em.

One person acts something out and then everybody else...

Here, let's show 'em. Let show 'em. Tell me a topic.

Okay. First word. You're an animal.

- On the nose. That's on the nose. - No, no, no.

- Here. See, we're both doing it. - Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, I...

It's getting late. Great party. Good... Goodbye.

Wait, wait, the second word. The second word. Do the second word.

It's a small word. It's a... It's a... It's a... It's... It's... It's a...

- Chicken Little! - Rig ht!

Yay!

Nice party. Great clip.

- Move over. - Let me take your coat.

I do a lot of reading. But my favorite's Hemingway.

- What's your sign? - I'm a Leo.

Can... Can I get into the bathroom?

Sheila, please.

It's an important phone call from my agent.

ROSS.

Hi.

Hi.

You remember me?

Sam. Sam the doctor.

Very well.

Tell me, is it... Is it good enough for you?

- What... What good enough? - The party.

Kate called me at the hospital, said you had a little problem.

So I brought this gang that was getting off duty when I was.

That's very nice of you.

We had a few on the way over too.

How are you, Harrisburg?

I'm neglecting our guests.

Where you been hiding?

- I haven't been hiding any place. - No?

How come every time I come over here, you just seem to have left?

How come?

I've gotten very involved with my work at Wawa.

Wawa?

We're the... We're the...

The leading children's record producer in the country.

That's nice.

Wanna dance?

Kate's in there. Didn't you come to see her?

No.

I just came to join the party.

Let's dance.

I'm glad you're here.

Where did all these other people come from?

- I brought them. - You what?

- I brought them. - Sam, you're beautiful.

- That's a beautiful dress you're wearing. - Thank you, Sheila.

Well at least now it won't be so difficult for us to leave the party.

- Where are we going? - Didn't I tell you?

- No. - My agent set up a meeting

with that director I told you about. He's casting for an NET special.

He's in town, he saw my commercial. And he wants to meet me this evening.

- Aren't you excited? - Yeah, but look, I'm... I'm beat.

- Couldn't he come over here? - Sam.

I'm sorry. Of course you're beat. You've been at the hospital all clay.

I'm just being selfish.

Forget it. So I don't get the part. It doesn't matter.

What matters is, if I can get anything for you.

You can get me your coat.

- I can get my what? - Get your coat.

- You're gonna go? - Yeah, I'm going.

Sam, I love you.

Well, we can't stand in the way of her stardom, right?

Of course not. I didn't even know about the part.

I was in the dark.

- Sorry. - That's okay.

- It would have been a nice party. - It's gonna be a terrific party.

Will you excuse me? I have to mix the clip.

Sheila!

Have a beautiful party. Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Bye.

Hey. You wanna make it?

I just finished making it. Here, why don't you have some?

And perhaps you'd like some Fritos with it.

There you go.

Sheila, are you crazy?

You just turned down an invitation from a man.

Honey, the clays of waiting for Prince Charming are over.

Prince Charming? Have you had your eyes checked lately?

Listen, you can't tell a book by its cover.

Well, why don't you read the book and let me know how it turns out.

All right, is there a lock on your bedroom door?

Now I know you're crazy.

- Bats. - I know what's the matter with you.

I know. You've got a crush on that guy I saw you dancing with.

That is ridiculous. That's Kate's boyfriend.

Sheila. Sheila.

There's a call for you.

But make it fast, I'm expecting a very urgent call.

Hello. What?

There's a party, I can't hear you. Could you call back later?

Hello.

I'm not here.

She'll be back in five minutes.

Hello.

Mom?

I'm sorry.

No, no, they're... They're having a party for me.

My friends are throwing it for me.

Surprise.

No, it's... It's... It's just that... There...

Just tonight's been just really full of surprises.

Melissa...

Melissa is... is getting married?

I'm speechless. I don't... I don't know what to say.

Mom.

Of course not. Why... I mean, why would I... Why would I...

Why would I feel bad that...

that my younger sister is... is getting married before me?

I mean, it's... it's something that she's always wanted.

Maid of honor?

Yeah, that would be nice, Mom.

Do you remember... Do you remember when I was...

When I was flower girl at... at Cousin Sandra's wedding?

And I... And I had long hair and you curled it for me.

And then you and Aunt Nelly had a big fight,

because you didn't want me to wear lipstick.

And then... And then remember I... I wore lipstick anyway?

It was the first time I got to wear makeup.

No, I do.

Yeah, I do, I have a...

I have a... I have a long... I have a long maroon skirt.

And, I jus... I just need a blouse to go with it.

Would you... Would you buy me a blouse to go with it?

A... A week from Sunday.

And your daddy will pick me up?

Okay, Mom.

I'm the... I'm the hostess. I have to...

I have to go now.

Bye, thank you for coming. Bye, thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming.

Rochelle, what's the matter?

I keep trusting men.

And afterwards, I feel like an old rag.

I'll be okay.

Are you sure?

I'm always okay in the morning.

I never remember how stupid and angry I felt the night before.

It's... it's almost morning. You should feel better soon.

I... keep hoping that each man will be different.

That somehow, he'll turn into a prince.

But they're all goddamn frogs.

Worse than that, they're just toads.

Rochelle,

do you know that guy...

that I was dancing with?

I'm in love with that guy.

I...

I get so jumpy when I see him, I...

I don't know what to do.

Thank God.

Thank God that they spend most of their time at his apartment.

Whenever I know he's coming over,

I always find a way to get out of the house.

But tonight,

tonight I just left myself wide open.

I feel stupid too.

I feel stupid and angry.

Sheila.

I know why you came to New York.

I came for the same reason.

You won't find it here.

Go home.

I better splash some cold water on my face.

Let me get you some towels.

I'll see you in the morning.

And, Melissa, as you place this token upon the finger of your groom,

I ask that you repeat these words.

- Be thou hallowed... - Be thou hallowed...

- ...unto me... - ..unto me...

- ...with this ring... - ...with this ring...

- ...as my husband. - ...as my husband.

It gives me great pleasure and privilege to pronounce you husband and wife.

Mazel tov!

Sheila, you'll make a beautiful bride.

- Thank you, Dad. - Okay.

Sheila, kiss the beautiful happy bride.

Mazel tov!

You're a good girl.

Congratulations!

Sheila, honey, don't worry! You'll be next!

Hey, have fun.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story about me when I was in second grade.

At 11:00, we all had to go to the bathroom.

If you couldn't go to the bathroom at 11:00, you had to hold it.

Do you know that grownups never have to ask permission

- to go to the bathroom? - Yes.

Do you think that's fair?

- No. - No.

One clay after we all got back from going to the bathroom,

that's when I had to go.

So I raised my hand and I asked the teacher

if I could go to the bathroom.

The teacher said no.

And then the worst thing happened.

- I wet my pants. - Why would you tell a story like that?

Because, Dr. Kessler,

children need to know

that grownups were once children themselves.

It allows them to have confidence and to be more receptive.

Miss Levine,

bodily functions are an extremely personal matter.

You should write a letter to the principal and apologize.

He'd take you back in a minute.

Yeah, teaching's a good job. They pay all year.

Of course if you were married like your sister, Melissa,

you wouldn't have to work.

I... I ran into Norman the other clay in the barbershop.

Such a clean-cut boy.

Ever since she went to New York, nobody's good enough for her.

No, it's a matter of metabolism.

She doesn't eat. She doesn't get any protein.

She never used to eat, even when she was a baby.

I used to have to sit for hours and coax her.

You remember, Sheila, I used to say, "Open the tunnel. Here comes the car."

She was so adorable. She'd open that little mouth

and I'd get the food right in.

She was so adorable.

Open the tunnel. Here comes the car.

- Mom. - Come on, sweetheart.

- Open your mouth. - Mom, please. Mom.

She was adorable. A little rose bud mouth.

- Open the tunnel. - Mom.

- Here comes the car. - Mom. Mom, please!

- Fill her up? - You want anything?

Hello, can I please...?

Hello, can I please have Dr. Sam Stoneman?

Could I please have his home phone number?

Well, you see, I'm a relative.

I'm out of town and I'm... I'm standing in a phone booth.

That's my number.

There's no number?

Thank you. Never mind.

Sheila.

You know, Norman just left without even saying...

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm going back to New York, Mom.

Why? Why? Can you explain?

Can you tell me one thing New York has that we haven't got here in Harrisburg?

There's a man there.

I'm in love with him and I'm going to marry him.

Sheila!

Darling, how marvelous!

Why... why didn't you tell me? What's he like? Who is he?

Where did you meet him? Tell me something about him.

- He's a doctor, and... - A doctor!

Oh, my God, a doctor. I'm going to tell your father.

- Manny... - Mom. Mom, Mom. Wait a minute.

Just hold on a minute.

- He doesn't know about this yet. - Who doesn't know about it yet?

The doctor.

Sheila.

Didn't... didn't he propose to you?

Didn't he ask you to marry him?

Not yet.

Sheila, do you mean to tell me

that you're going to New York to chase after a man?

That... That's... That's what I mean, Mom.

Why don't I understand anything?

Norman is right here,

and you're running to New York to chase after some doctor?

Norman is chasing after you. That's how it should be.

Marry Norman, Sheila.

Marry Norman?

Sheila.

You think I'm an idiot?

You think I don't know Norman is a schmo?

But, darling, I don't want you to get hurt.

Don't you understand?

Nice girls don't do such things. You have to have a little pride.

Don't you understand? Nice girls don't do things like that.

Mom, I am a nice girl.

And there's nothing that'll keep me from being a nice girl.

Except a feeling that I've been gypped.

Ma, I wanna have pride in myself.

That's why I have to stop waiting and start doing.

Ma, you always told me that I was beautiful.

I lied to you every Sunday night from school, Ma.

Why did you believe me?

Why did you think that I was so popular?

Mommy, Mommy,

I'm leaving Harrisburg...

and I'm going to New York...

and I'm gonna try.

And even if I fall on my face,

at least I'll know that I tried.

Good luck, baby.

Yeah.

Hi.

Sam.

You know, we didn't think you were coming back.

Since I had most of my stuff over here, I just...

Kate told you, didn't she?

She's pregnant, we're getting married.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

I have to see somebody about an apartment.

Sheila.

Funny how things turn out.

Yeah, it's funny.

Why do you suppose...

we pick the people we pick to love?

Sheila.

Sheila.

You look great. When'd you get back?

Today.

Listen, I just wanted to know if there's a chance for us,

because if there isn't...

There's no chance, Agatha.

Then I'm getting married.

Agatha.

- Congratulations, that's terrific. - I would leave him for you.

Agatha, you're doing the right thing.

I know you'll be very happy.

I want you to be my bridesmaid.

I'd love to.

Hold it. Wait a minute. Where are you going with that?

Wally, these boxes will fit perfectly right on the corner of the desk.

On my desk? Thanks. I'm already surrounded.

- But Wally... - Find another place.

- You'll find a solution. Think. - Wally.

What... Wait a minute. Hold it. Let me get this straight.

You mean, this album would be educational stories

told by grownups about different experiences.

I got a letter from the principal himself.

And he said since the story I told, about me wetting my pants,

there have been fewer accidents in the third grade.

I'm gonna tell you the truth, Miss Levine.

I have been eavesdropping in playgrounds. I have some great material.

You wanna know what I think?

I think that this would really be helpful to children.

Miss Levine... May I call you Sheila?

- Please. - Sheila, be quiet for a second.

There's something I wanna say. I can't get a word...

I'm sorry, Mr. Higgendorf. It's just I'm excited about this.

- It's just... It's very important to me. - Sheila.

About your idea,

all I can say is...

brilliant!

Mr. Higgendorf.

And you know what?

You'd no longer be a typist singer.

You'd be a typist, singer, producer.

- I love you. - Sheila,

it's good to have you home.

Come on.

What do you mean I have no class? What do you know about class?

- What did he say? - Didn't you hear the bell?

Rochelle, I'm gonna be a producer!

Ain't gonna know he's gonna make it.

I know her too.

- She looks great. - Doesn't she look good?

I think she had a hormone shot, but, it's all right.

We saved it for you.

Wally.

Thank you.

Hey, Levine, you're really looking great.

Hey, let's try this thing one more time.

- Okay? - Okay.

Fiddle diddle dee, fiddle diddle day

All the mice are feeling great

Fiddle diddle dee, fiddle diddle day

Herman's on his way

Fiddle diddle dee, fiddle diddle day

All the mice are feeling great

Fiddle diddle dee, fiddle diddle day

Herman's on his way

Fiddle diddle dee, fiddle diddle day

All the mice are feeling great

Fiddle diddle dee, fiddle diddle day

Hi, Kate.

Hello.

Sheila.

You don't mind if I stay here tonight, do you?

Of course not.

Well, I have to get up at 5:00, you see.

I'm supposed to be at the hospital by 6:00.

I told Sam you were in need of company.

I couldn't very well walk out of our apartment

at 5:30 in the morning without him knowing.

Kate,

what are you talking about?

- Didn't I tell you? - No.

You... you do know that, you know, I'm pregnant.

- Don't you? - Yeah.

Sam told me.

Well, what Sam couldn't have told you was that it's not his kid.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was gonna get an abortion.

But Sam found out.

I just couldn't tell him it wasn't his child.

Well, I mentioned abortion to him and he absolutely freaked out.

He started saying something about Einstein's mother

and how he'd never let a kid of his get murdered.

So, next week after we get married, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go out of town for a few clays.

And when I get back, I'll just tell him I had a miscarriage and he'll never know.

Sheila, the only reason Sam wants to marry me

is because he thinks I'm having his child.

Sheila, say something.

I don't know what to say.

Sheila, you're intelligent.

You've got a lot of drive and you'll probably end up running Wawa.

What can I do, besides hustle?

Sheila, there's no trust fund. There never has been one.

I haven't seen my parents since I was 16.

Sheila, even if I make it as an actress,

what does that mean and how long is that gonna last?

I have to have a life.

I have to have something that I can come home to.

Shit! I wish you could understand.

Kate.

Kate, I understand.

I understand.

You know, when I was a kid, I used to hate to eat onions.

Did you ever make up nicknames for the vegetables you hated the most?

- No. - We did.

Like we used to call lima beans, gushy-gots.

- Gushy-gots? - Yeah.

- We used to call okra, bamyas. - Bamyas?

Yeah, those were the two I hated the most.

Yuck. Okra.

Okra and asparagus were the two I hated the most.

Yuck. I guess because it was so slimy.

- Did you like fish? - Fish? No, I still don't.

Neither do I.

You know what I always used to do? I always used to pick out

- all the little bones and... - Wait!

Stop! Cut! Wait! Stop! Hold it! Cut. Stop.

Wrong.

When you're talking about onions,

you sound like you're talking down to a little kid.

You're saying, "I used to pretend that I..."

You can't do that. You have to remember it.

Like, "I used to pretend that I..." something or other.

When you tell about gushy-gots and bamyas...

- Yeah. - ...you should be proud of those names.

Not just anybody could think of calling them

gushy-gots and bamyas.

I mean, you should have some kind of reaction to him.

- And let's try it again. - All right.

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing?

Fine. Thank you.

I've been in the neighborhood all afternoon over at the medical center.

Just thought I'd stop by and see what you really do here.

You're very good.

Thank you.

So are they.

Thank you very much.

But, what's it all about?

I'm producing this album,

where grownups talk about their childhood.

You see, I had this theory that once children realize...

that grownups went through the very same things

that they're going through, it will help them to adjust.

I'd buy that.

You need any more stories? Listening to them made me think of a few.

I'd like to hear them.

Would you... Would you like to come in?

Yeah.

We're almost finished now.

Kids, so far, so good.

We'll pick up on it first thing in the morning.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

Sam.

Sam, why don't you...

come up to the... to the microphones and...

I'll... I'll just... I'll go into the booth and what you should do is... is...

pretend like you're having an x-ray or something,

you know what I mean? I mean, just relax.

Yeah.

Sheila, we're leaving now. Would you lock up? Goodnight.

And, keep up the good work.

W... when I was a boy...

W...

Sam, you have to wait till I give you a cue.

When I point to you like this, that's your cue.

Okay, okay-

- Cue. Pointing. - Right.

When I was a little boy I hated liver and we had it every Thursday night.

And what I would do is that, I would chew it

and I'd keep it in the side of my mouth and say,

I'd have to go to the bathroom and then go in and spit it in the bowl.

And on Wednesday night, I'd... I'd go couple of times just as a warmup.

Sam, that was a pretty good story to tell.

Except, you know, we've just about covered food.

Do you have any other stories?

Personal?

YES.

- Personal but not about food. - That's what I need.

Because the other kids were about food. Right.

- Embarrassing? - Wonderful.

Okay, I got one.

The first Cub Scout meeting I ever went to...

there were bunch of kids playing in the middle of the gym floor,

and the cub scout master said to me, "Okay, Stone, sit down."

And I just plopped down in the middle of the floor,

and all the other kids started laughing.

Because what he meant was to go back to the benches

that were on the side and sit down.

I mean, I wished I was dead right on the spot.

And now, every time I see a Cub Scout I wanna punch him in the mouth,

because I felt like such an idiot sitting down on the floor.

No good?

Sam, that was amusing.

It's... It's... It's...

See, the problem is, that I could tell...

I knew you knew it was funny.

I mean, I... I need something that goes a little deeper th...

Something... something that's maybe not as easy for you to talk about.

You want something painful, huh?

Yeah, something that... that...

To rise some compassion.

Well, I'll try.

Sam, if... if you...

- don't wanna do it, I mean... - No, no, I do. I do.

- No, really, I mean, I... - I do, honest.

- Just give me a chance. - I don't wanna be greedy.

- I mean, I've had two great... - It's all right. I'll tell you...

Give me a minute. Just give me couple of minutes.

Yeah.

All right, put your tape on.

When I was about 10 years old, I went to the first party

with boys and girls mixed.

I hated parties.

Birthday parties. I still hate parties.

But this was my cousin Miriam's party, and...

and Miriam I liked.

And the boys stayed on one side of the room

and the girls stayed on the other side, and...

there was music...

but nobody danced because everybody was shy.

And somebody suggested we play spin the bottle.

And that's not so unusual, but...

I was a non-party goer and I never played it before.

So there was a lot of kissing and giggling and running around, and...

I remember on... on about my third turn, 1...

I really wanted that bottle to stop at Miriam.

Because...

Because she had blonde bangs and blue eyes.

I can even remember saying a little prayer

and sure enough, bang, it stopped right on her.

I get up and I walked over to her,

and I was just ready to kiss her and she looked at me, and...

and she said, "Yuck."

It was the way she said, "Yuck."

I ran out of the room.

I ran right out of the room.

I knew I'd really made an ass out of myself.

And I knew I wasn't gonna make that mistake again.

Not from that clay on.

That's the stuff that bachelors are made out of.

You don't have that problem, do you, Sheila?

The clay you came back from Harrisburg,

you just went right smack into that ridiculous performance.

Even the first night we met, you remember? You just...

you up and told me everything that was in your heart.

That's terrific.

I mean, you believe something, you just... you just run with it.

You trust.

You trust yourself and you trust others.

I don't do that, Sheila.

I don't trust, I don't commit, I don't... I don't...

I don't lay myself on the line...

because you can get hurt doing that.

With Kate it's easy. I mean, she just brings it all to you.

You see, she told me you were feeling a little down.

Down.

So I was gonna come over here and see you and...

I mean, I... I knew you felt like a fool, but...

I don't know what the hell I was gonna do. I was gonna talk to you.

I just wanted you to know...

even if it's too late, that...

I want you to know who the real fool is.

It's not you, baby.

Because you're a good person, Sheila.

You're something, pretty special.

And you have no idea...

how much I love you.

We gotta have a little talk.

I wanna talk to you too.

I hated parties when I was a kid, I still do.

But this party was my cousin Miriam's, and...

and I... I liked Miriam.

The boys stayed on one side of the room and the girls stayed on the other side...

and there was music, and... and nobody danced

- 'cause everybody was too shy. - May I come in?

And somebody suggested we play spin the bottle.

That's not so unusual, but...

I was a non-party goer and I never played it before.

So there was a lot of kissing and giggling and running around and then,

I remember on... on about my third turn, I...

I really wanted that bottle to stop at Miriam because...

because she had blonde bangs and blue eyes.

I can even remember saying a little prayer...

and sure enough, bang,

it stopped right on her. And I got up and I walked over to her...

- and I was just ready to kiss her... - I just left a pal of yours.

She said, "Yuck."

She is a pal.

It was the way she said, "Yuck." And I ran out of the room.

I ran right out of the room. I know I really made an ass out of myself.

But I knew I wasn't gonna make that mistake again.

Say something.

Not from that day on.

That's the stuff that bachelors are made out of.

You don't have that prob/em, do you, Sheila?

I...

The day you came back from Harrisburg...

I don't really know what to say.

Even the first night we met. You remember? You just...

- You up and told me everything that was... - I think you do.

That's terrific.

Unless I'm assuming too much.

You just run with it. I don't do that, Sheila.

Unless I figured us out all wrong.

I don't trust. I don't commit. I don't... I don't...

I don't lay myself on the line.

I mean, I know I'm dealing with a different girl now, but...

I mean, I... I knew you felt like a fool but...

If this one wants what the old one wanted...

See, 'cause I just wanted you to know that...

- I want you to know who the real fool is. - Yes.

Yes, I do.

Will you marry me, Sheila Levine?

You're something pretty special.

And you have no idea...

how much I love you.