Original subtitles

[*tapping a mic*]

Is this on?

We're recording?

Oh, okay

Hum, hi,

my name is Bob, and,

well,

this is my story.

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======================= DISCLAIMER: The "***" and "[...]" parts mean I was unable to understand them. Sorry. =======================

======================= Very nice movie, enjoy! -- truc1979 -- =======================

Fart hole

Damn, here's a fine bitch

Oh, I'd eat your fuck pussy

Bring your pussy over here

I'll eat it right

So *** porns, what you got, what you got?

***, more?

I got it. Put those on the shelf

(Damn this girl is smoking,)

yo, this girl is ***

(Look at this)

Yo dog, would you stop talking black, man?

Yo man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg

But you're a real white, man

Shit

Shit, all I know is meeting this girl right here

We gonna have a date tonight

It's gonna be me, her, and foxy-roxy right here

Yeah, I'll be looking at her,

but I'll be fucking foxy

Uh

Yo, don't you got some lotion in the box too?

Yeah man, ***

That's gross

Hey, come on,

Give me...

Stop it

Come on

What you got?

Is that *** mother fucking *** yo?

Come on

he genomic the

He like a 9 year old man

Is your mom that shipped it for you?

I made it

You make up a *** lotion out, dawg?

Yeah man, don't use it all

***

Why is your shirt so fucking wrinkled?

Sorry Mr John, ***

And you, quit jerking off in the back bathroom

on my cock... Uh, "clock". "Clock"

I'm already *** in your pay 4 hours for last week

If you do it again, you're fired

(Yes, sir)

And you:

keep up the good work [*slap*]

I would bloody beat that motherfucker down the street

I've heard that

What do we have here?

That's nice

Why don't we uh... put that in?

Oh

Oh fuck yeah

Tell me I'm the sexiest woman in the world

Tell me I'm fucking beautiful

Oh it's so good

Fucking cock is shit(?)

I'm gorgeous? I'm gorgeous?

Fuck yeah, I'm so gorgeous

Fuck that pussy

Do you look boy?

*** like that I'm being a filthy little whore?

Uh?

It's good. Tell me it's good

It's so fucking good

[*alarm clock*]

(A forecast plenty of sunshine)

(for today with seasonal temperatures)

(We should reach our normal high)

(of about 82 degrees by this afternoon)

(Clear skies tonight with a low near 70)

(Increasing cloudiness tomorrow sticky and humid)

(with a high of 96)

[*slap*]

[*alarm clock still ringing*]

[*slap*] [*alarm clock stops*]

*** ever make resolutions?

Reso- huh?

Resolution. You know that shit at the begin of the year

Self-improvement shit

Oh yeah, "restitution", yeah,

that's what my *** are supposed to be getting, dawg

I resolved to do more charity work

Man, you are charity work. Shit

That's it!

What?

Yo, hey dude,

I know it's safe to say that you've never gotten laid, right?

'course I have

You silly

Well...

I bet my right motherfuckin testicle that you're still a virgin

44 years old virgin, man

- Oh shit - That's fuckin' wrecked

You got the world record, man!

Teapot

Yo, you guys,

there's a new hot waitress in the neighborhood,

I'll check it out!

Cherry boy, you gonna have to wait

I want the must-see one out

*** off

Wait off

Another bourbon on the rocks, honey

A minute

(Make that too. Both on me!)

You buy me a drink?

Just speaking about it

Look buddy, I don't swing that way

I'll get my own drink, thank you

Yo, you dismiss me, man?

What you trying to say? I'm a sort of pole smoker?

Look buddy, I don't care what you are

That will be 8.50, please

You undo the top of your buttons of that blouse,

slide your hand in there,

you can keep the change.

Say one more inappropriate word ***, dick,

and I'll have you thrown out on your ass.

Tough crowd...

So will some of that PB&J, right?

*** that peanut butter and jelly, man.

- Now you're talking - Yeah

So much for that new year's resolution, dawg.

I tried to buy that dude over there a drink, man

and he thought I was a motherfucking pole smoker.

Hey that's a motherfucking shit

Eeeew

Can I get your drink order, or you guys ready to eat?

Milk

I... I would like a passion fruit iced tea with a sweetener on the side,

and your house salad,

uh, just iceberg lettuce though please,

with Italian dressing... uh... on the side

Meatloaf or pussy pie?

...Pussy...

...pie?

Excuse me?

Pot pie(?). I'm sure he said. He said "pot pie".

Okay losers.

Earth to Grady?

Shit dawg, get to hold yourself!

Hey, wait a second.

Are you supposed to be manning the store?

Who's manning the store?

Do you think I'm scared of Ron?

I can take him down one hand tied down at my back.

Okay... ***

- Oh shit... - Oh-oh

***

Hum, excuse me.

Do you know what the difference is between...

X, Double X and XXX?

No, actually I don't.

But don't you work here?

Yeah, but that's not really my department.

Okay, hum... well...

Don't you at least watch them?

You knw what, I'm on break.

Grady could help you though.

He watches them all the time.

(Jesus Christ)

Um... I...

...heard you watch adult movies.

Um, do you know the different between...

- X, Double... - *** perhaps I could be of assistance to you.

Um, sure, well...

Yo, dawg.

She seems she's talking to me,

and you come in like a bone it was.

I don't give a fuck, she was looking at me over there man.

Don't you get hope here.

She wasn't looking at you.

She don't want the 8 inch server,

she wants the 10 inch server.

She don't want to be pursued on like a fucking cougar,

she want to be put on, like a black *** like myself.

You not even a black ***,

you more like a white shadow and shit, man.

What? What are you talking about my motherfucker skin, man?

- You know what, I better cut out of my black head man - It's always about this

- Yo? - [Undistinct fight]

[letter view I'm always talking the well]

[type of shit man I'm gonna warn this]

[Man, I was born this way!]

- Guys? Guys? - [still fighting]

[world can a folk tale ocean kind of]

[bigness fuck them yeah no shit]

- Triple X? Double X? - [still fighting]

[man I can't even be leader]

- You gotta have to be black to be cool? - Come on man, look at you man.

Hey,

get your well ass up and come out with me.

Come on, mama.

It's Thursday night.

And you're young.

*** Styles.

Are you kidding me?

Styles is amazing.

Yeah, for a geriatric.

Hey like...

Drop the dead guy and come out with me.

As your boss,

I insist.

You can't do that.

I can and I did.

Come on, I give you 10 minutes.

And put something sexy on.

Oh I have nothing "sexy".

Hello?

Hello, Dawg? ***

Why?

***?

I am.

Ok, wear something nice.

But I don't have...

...anything nice.

Something nice...

Oh man, I thought I told you to fucking dress nice... Oh shit.

I did. I went out and I bought this new shirt and everything.

I can't tell, dawg.

Well if you wouldn't have hung up on me,

I was trying to tell you that I don't have

a bunch of nice clothes in my closet.

Calm down, man. Relax.

Fuck, enjoy yourself little bit cuz shit.

Listen I really appreciate you guys inviting me out and all,

but I just don't feel comfortable in a place like this.

I'm...

Sit down.

Look no, you ain't go nowhere.

- We should toast. - Toast!

Toast to the boys night out.

- Boys night out! - Boys night out!

Wait. What is this?

Tequila.

Oh I can't drink that.

Why not?

Cuz it's gonna make my stomach upset.

Yeah but it's gonna make your head

fucking feel fan-fucking-tastic, yo!

*** wee-wee?

Now he have.

Can we drink now?

Toast.

*** don't go.

Come on baby.

***

Oh baby.

Come on, shake it.

Shake it!

Come on, girl.

Go for it!

I don't like places like this.

Why? I guess you never know until you find out.

Look,

consider yourself a pet project of mine.

There's a *** inside, she's

screaming to get out.

And I'm gonna free her.

And this is just less than one.

I'm going to show you how to own yourself.

I'm... sorry?

Well what are we own in here?

It's amateur night honey,

I'm gonna dance and you're going to see the way that all these guys are warship.

You mean...

You're gonna get naked here?

You're gonna take clothes off?

Like... off?

You're going to see what you've been missing,

staying at home at night reading "Etha Negra Dog Paw".

It's Edgar Ethan Styles.

Whatever.

You're gonna see what owning yourself can really do for you.

Well...

Whatever.

Sit up straight.

And take off those damn glasses.

Uh...

If I do that then I can't see you "owning yourself".

Okay, good point.

Contact lenses will come next.

- Look at her. - Look at her, teapot.

Oki.

No no, just say I want to tap that ass.

I want to tap that ass.

You don't drink yours?

This is ***, man.

Bring it more, right.

She is smoking.

Yeah yeah, bring it out, bring it out.

Oh, drop your ***, babe.

Drop it like it's hot.

Have a toast.

Toast!

*** turn.

Yo waitress!

Hey honey.

Hey.

Your buddies just buy you a special dance in the VIP room.

Spe... spe... special dance?

Mm-hmm. In VIP room.

VIP?

Come on.

Yo!

- What? - Follow me.

Got it? Tap that ass, man!

Go!

- Go! - Go, go!

Move it! Hello?

- Move it! - Do it!

Move it!

Oh no you guys... VIP room?

It's probably dark in there...

[*music*]

Animals that have been run over on the road...

the Vietnam war...

my grandmother saggy boobs...

Shit...

You like that?

I'm sucking your cock.

Love that.

Yeah?

Wow

*** so bad now.

I am.

Only ***.

She doing it?

Hmmm, no.

- I'm gonna cum... - Yeah?

***

Wow...

See how the guys go crazy

when you own your own sexuality, girl.

That's... amazing.

- Isn't it? - Yeah.

Now...

I want you to loosen your top three buttons...

But... they...

I want you to take your hair down...

But it's...

and I want you to take those glasses off.

But I can't see!

Can we get 2 more shots of "sex on the beach", please?

And...

can you bring a sip of dry Martini as well?

Just one button.

Umm...

So... hers I feel.

You feel orgasmic.

I have never... never had one of those.

What?

Have one...

You're joking, right?

Nope.

Well... Um... except in my dreams.

My dreams are a little naugthy.

Just a little bit.

Well... No... A lot.

I'll tell you what...

A little make-up on you,

some contact lenses,

spike your confidence,

put you in some sexy clothes, and you'll feel it too.

Okay.

You really have never had an orgasm before?

Nope.

Never?

Not even a little one?

Little like this.

It's ***.

Can.. Can I...?

And there she was.

My Aphrodite.

The girl of my dreams.

God.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Several days later...

Yo, dawg,

Get up man, coming out tonight. Go to party.

So he's rollin with us.

Where we're going?

Party.

She's gonna be there.

Who's she?

Girl from the bar, man.

Aphrodite?

"Ding, ding, ding"

Don't think about it let's go, dawg! Shit!

Okay.

Hey?

Sorry.

Tonight, innocent one,

we're gonna go out and we're gonna get you laid.

I...

N... No, thanks.

Come on.

I'm going to fix you up,

I'm going to just see to the nine's(?)

Going to make up your face and your hair,

I'm gonna make you look stunning.

Look... I... I don't know.

It's okay, you don't have to know.

Because I do.

Oh God...

Okay.

Alright.

See mama, it's only attitude.

The way that you carry yourself,

is more important than being aesthetically beautiful.

You can either walk like this...

Okay.

Or...

you can walk like this!

See? Now you try.

Oh... It don't ***

I can...

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What am I supposed to say to her?

It's not "what" dawg, it's "how".

Uh?

(Excuse us)

Excuse us?

Look man,

you got to make her feel uncomfortable,

so that you don't.

Exactly.

Why would I want to make her feel uncomfortable, though?

It's either you or her, dawg!

You or her.

Works every time.

I don't know if I feel comfortable acting like that you guys,

what if she's a nice girl like...

Ah, come on man...

It's a game dawg! Life is a game.

Like there's two types of parties:

and I know those parties:

there's the winners and then there's losers.

And what do you want to part you with?

The winners.

Winner. Yeah.

Well I'm not all sounds so confusing you guys,

Look I know what you're talking about, yo.

I mean, take me for instance.

I used to treat these bitches all nice,

and shit they would walk all over me.

so I pushed it up my game,

and shit, now I got these bitches beating out my head.

- 'cos you're the man. - Yeah.

Right. ***

We're kind of gonna get here man.

Hey dawg, we're late yo!

Hey, that bitch's cute?

I see him.

How do I look?

You look good enough to eat.

...which is what I hope happens to you tonight.

Thank you.

Damn, negro,

it's the girl from the club.

With that stripper too, man.

Yeah... boing!

Will you shut the fuck up.

Waow... "boing!"

Hey, ***

Thanks.

Hi. I'm May.

I'm Bob... I mean: I'm Bob!

I'm Bob.

You...

...look... look nice tonight, Bob...

I do, don't I.

You look nice too.

Smoking...

...as a matter of fact.

Oh...

Thanks.

Hmm...

You work at the video store, right?

Yeah, when I'm not doing better things.

You know I've had the hots for you since the Titty Bar.

You look almost as good as the girls that work there.

You make me feel really uncomfortable right now.

Is this a test?

B... Because if it is,

I'm leaving. - Wait, wait, wait!

- I just... - No look, I... I... I am...

You know what, let me finish that for you:

I... I, I... am an asshole.

That's what you are.

No, wait. Wait, wait.

Wait will you?

I'm sorry this is bad, this is very bad. It's wrong.

I think that... The guys told me to...

...to act this man.

Oh... I...

I have very little...

...NO experience...

actually it does, to be honest with you.

I...

I like you.

Oh.. I thought...

...for you to like me that...

...I had to be...

...so stupid. I'm stupid.

Can we try this again?

Okay.

Thanks, I'm May... Uh Bob!

Hi.

I'm May.

*** ?

Please.

Hey *** girl,

that's a *** outfit.

Thanks.

Should we head up on my bedroom floor *** you know?

Or mine.

Bud, what do you say about get the fuck out of there?

Really?

Alright, but we got to go to my house,

I need to change of clothes,

***, and some styling products.

Well, whatever. Come on.

(It's cool!)

***

Hey, woman.

You crazy little bitch, you know?

Fuck it ***, yo.

Come on, take off the ***.

Damn, ***.

Oh, ***.

Have *** juice, ***.

Aww.

Dude what'd you do that for?

The bad advice.

'Cause it screwed everything up.

Bad advice?

Man, it was damn good.

Alright, I'm sorry.

Sorry, Bob.

I don't blame you from hitting me.

Just don't hit me so fucking hard,

I don't think you realize how strong you are.

You just can't...

...treat women like pieces of meat.

You don't know the ladies...

...they have feelings too, you know?

They're just like me and you.

How many women do you get anyway?

Got a lot.

Yaeh a lot of women.

See... Uh... I don't think so.

Otherwise you wouldn't be in the back masturbating half the day like that.

Alright.

Fine. ***.

But I get some.

I just have a problem keeping them.

Well...

Maybe if you treated him with a little more respect, you know...

...took an interest in things that they like...

Where they like to shop...

Music they like, the food they eat...

You serious?

Yeah, I am serious.

Maybe if you looked at a woman,

like she had something more than just genitals...

Are you meaning like the titties?

Yeah, like...

No!

You know Bob,

you're pretty smart for a virgin.

Straight up dude man.

All right?

Thanks.

Here it's for you.

So after that night we never left each other's side.

Games, walks.

Spending every waking moment together.

Hum.

[Why kill me?]

[It's business, honey]

[It's business]

[So give me that damn...]

- Hmm - Hmm

You wanna do it?

Do it?

Like...

do it?

You really...

Are you sure?

Well... I mean... is...

It's been six months and,

and...

you're... the only one

I care about, and...

I, I really...

want you to...

be my first...

in my life.

I mean if it's ok.

Yippee-yaw, I've got...

And...

...my last.

Let's do it.

Do, do you have a condom?

Ah, yeah.

I, I...

Yeah I have one.

I have a condom, like...

I brought...

brought one.

Got a couple, actually.

Ok.

You've got like a year supply.

That, that works.

It's great.

Can I go freshen up?

Ok!

Yeah.

Yeah?

Ok.

I'll be right back.

Ok.

All right?

All right.

I've never worn one of these before.

Let me help you with that.

Wow.

You look great.

But first...

and, uh...

this.

Oh gosh.

There it is.

Yeah.

Oh

[does *** for me]

Oh, jeez.

[it tastes ***]

Oh, yes.

Bob? Is it good?

yeah

yeah?

yeah

Is it good?

yeah?

[ok, ***]

[***]

Some more?

yeah

Ok

Tastes good

[***]

Oh god, that's...

fucking great.

Oh my god, wow.

Is it good to you?

oh, god

It's so good, baby?

Really?

Oh, baby, it's so good.

Kiss me.

oh, honey.

oh, baby

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck me, fuck me, it's so good, it's so good.

Well, right, it's good.

Oh my goodness.

I feel naughty right now.

oh, baby

You're a bad girl.

I'm fucking naughty right now.

I love it

Oh, baby, it's so good

[*** taking from there]

[***]

Is it in?

It's in, it's in, it's in!

oh, my god, oh my god

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god

Oh, you dirty girl.

I saw it on TV

Fuck me, fuck me in my ass

oh god

It feels so good.

I'm not used to this.

Is there all you?

It's so good

oh, god

oh, my goodness

I need it hard now, because is so good

oh my goodness

oh my god

oh my goodness

oh my god, oh my god

oh baby

[*** to me?]

Yeah, yeah?

[*** once]

This is yours.

Not mine.

So the end is all about finding

the right one, and not just about getting laid.

But connecting to someone who could love me for me,

it's far more important to experience love for the first time.

It happened.

I've found love.

May and Bob married the following June. Almost immediately, they conceived. The couple couldn't be happier.

Chaz and Allison got engaged. Then unengaged. Now, they're engaged again, but with no plans to marry anytime soon.

Both agree it's best to always keep ones options open.

Grady was never able to kick his chronic masturbation habit. Ron fired him from the video store and now he is currently an actor in adult films.

Little Horn Dog is currently dating the hot waitress.

Come to Daddy, pappa.

I'm sorry!

Where are we going?

We're going to club, man.

She's gonna be there.

Who's she?

The fag: the one that's hermaphrodite

- ...between... - Excuse me shorty

Perhaps you lack some assistance?

She's talking to me, yo.

Go ahead, what do you need?

Don't give a fuck she's talking to you,

she's looking at me over there, she wants my help.

Dawg,

I'm sitting there trying to help her.

She doesn't want the ten-inch service...

Damn, fuck that off.

[*** myself]

Let's do, let's do one more.

I'm jerking off to this pink color bitch, right now...

I was wrong.

Just kidding baby. (I love you) I love you!

My grandmother saggy boobs...

Shit...

Quite first Kitty that hung itself.

Hey, how are you doing?

She retarded? (Cut!)

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