Original subtitles

When I grew up and fell in love

I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead

Will we have rainbows

Day after day

Here's what my sweetheart said

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

What will be, will be

You're afraid of hearing it, but I'm more afraid than you.

I won't listen to you!

You've got to know.

I've got to tell you. I can't keep it to myself any longer.

I'm guilty!

You're guilty of nothing!

I've been telling myself that...

since the night I heard the child say it.

I lie in bed night after night praying that it isn't true...

but I know about it now.

It's there.

I don't know how, I don't know why...

but I did love you.

I do love you.

I resented your plans to marry.

Maybe because I wanted you.

Maybe I wanted you all these years.

I couldn't call it by name before...

but maybe it's been there since I first knew you.

It's not the truth, not a word of it. We never thought of each other that way.

No, of course you didn't. But who's to say I didn't?

I never felt that way about anybody but you.

I've never loved a man.

I never knew why.

Shut up!

Maybe it's that.

You're tired, worn out.

It's funny...

it's all mixed up.

How was the movie, ladies? You recommend it?

Oh, too much high drama for my taste. I like comedy better.

Me too.

Say, you ladies need somebody to see you home?

Oh, no, thank you, Sam. We can see just tine on our own.

Any time you need an escort...

If we do it'll be you, Sam, guaranteed.

Hello, boys.

- Let me help you. - I have it.

- You don't. You'll hurt your back. - Oh, shut up.

I'm fine.

I just got a little out of breath, that's all.

You sure you're all right?

- I'm fine. - You sure?

- I'm fine. - You wicked witch.

Edith!

You look kind of peaked, sweetie. Go to bed. I'll bring you some tea.

- I just want to till the feeders. - In the morning. The birds can wait.

Where is that damn scoop?

You always put it in a different place.

It's in the same place every time.

Where the hell is it?

I'll get it.

You stupid, bullheaded old woman.

- Don't stay too long out there. - I won't.

Abby?

Are you still out there?

I'm checking on something.

Well, put some light on, at least.

Oh, my God.

Abby.

Are you out of your mind?

I saw some starlings building a nest. I just wanna see what they're up to.

They're not up to anything, you fool. They're asleep.

- You just be quiet. - Hush up, yourself.

- Do you want some tea? - Yeah, please.

You be careful now.

I'm watching you.

Edie, I knew it. She's sitting on some eggs.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, hello, pretty bird. How many do you have in there?

Oh, leave the bird alone. You'll scare the wits out of her.

I want to build another house out here. This one is always tilled.

Oh, I think this is the one I banded.

I can't believe it. She came back.

No wonder, darling. You spoil the poor bird rotten.

Go to sleep, pretty bird. Don't mind me.

Go to sleep, little darling.

This where we wait?

Yes.

They just took my husband in.

He had a heart attack.

We were in the den having our coffee after dinner.

I was sitting in my chair reading my magazine...

and I thought...

"It got very quiet in here. Why is it so quiet?"

Then I looked over at James.

He was slumped in his chair...

and he wasn't breathing.

He had a heart attack...

right in front of me.

I never even noticed.

Here.

It's clean.

Thank you.

You're very kind. Thank you.

Why are you here?

Is it your husband too?

My friend fell off a ladder. We think she had a stroke.

- Did she break any bones? - Don't know yet.

She'll be fine.

Is your husband still alive?

- I never had a husband. - Oh.

Well, that's lucky.

'Cause you won't have the heartbreak of losing one.

Mrs. Carpenter, you can see your husband now.

Is he all right?

- The doctor would like to talk to you. - Oh, my God.

It's not good.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me what is happening with Miss Henley?

- You brought her in? - Yes.

- Is she all right? - She's stabilized and in intensive care.

May I see her?

Only family is allowed in after hours, but you can come back tomorrow.

Just for a moment. She might be scared.

Don't worry. They're taking good care of her.

Best thing to do is come back tomorrow.

I'm going to stay right here. Would you please tell her that I am here?

I will, ma'am.

If anything changes, let me know.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me. Can you tell me where intensive care is?

Down the hall.

I was told that she was here.

I don't see her chart anywhere. What's the patient's name again?

Abigail Henley. I brought her in to the emergency ward last night.

She'd had a stroke, and they thought she'd broken her hip.

Well, we know she didn't just up and walk out of here. Don't worry.

We will track her down.

- Let's check the geriatric ward. - But I've been here all night.

I asked to be informed of any change. They should've told me if she'd moved.

Don't worry. We'll find her.

You know visiting hours don't start till 10:00.

I know that. I just want to know if she's doing all right.

- Is she all right? Is anything wrong? - Did you find her?

Are you any relation of hers, ma'am?

No, I'm a very good friend.

Does she have any family?

Please, would you tell me if something's wrong.

I'm so sorry.

Miss Henley passed away.

Oh, no.

We're so sorry, ma'am.

When did it happen?

3:45 this morning.

Why didn't someone tell me? I was here.

They saw me. I was waiting. I was there, waiting.

- We're so sorry. - Ma'am.

Does she have any next of kin?

Next of kin?

We need to call somebody to find out what to do with the remains.

I�ll gives you the number for them to call. Okay?

Dear, there's a chapel on the third floor...

if you'd like to just go there and sit for a little bit.

Can I see her?

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry. They already took her body downstairs.

We are so sorry.

Hello. May I speak to Ted Henley, please?

- Who's this? - This is Edith Tree.

I'm a friend of his Aunt Abigail.

Oh.

Hold on, please. Ted!

Hello, Ted.

This is Edith Tree. I'm the friend of your Aunt Abby.

Sure. Hello.

I'm afraid...

I'm so sorry. Your aunt passed away this morning.

Oh, geez. How did it happen?

She had a terrible tall last night. Apparently she had a stroke.

They tried to revive her, but this morning she was gone.

Oh, geez.

I'm sorry that happened.

Now...

her remains are still at the hospital.

I have the number you will have to call.

Okay. Let me get a pencil.

And if I can be of any help for you to arrange the service...

Sure. That would be terrific.

I guess I'd better come out there then. Let me just jot a few more things down.

Edith, I'm sorry. What's your last name again?

Tree.

Sweetheart.

Stop that.

I think that was a very nice service.

It sure was. It was very respectful.

There we go.

Well, I expect you're hungry.

I�ll make some tea.

No, no. Why don't you two sit down.

- I�ll make the tea. - No. You won't know where anything is.

I'm sure I can find my way around.

The kitchen is this way?

I went all around the house and dug up everything I could find...

but Abby was never very organized about these things.

She sure wasn't.

I found this photograph of you and Aunt Abby.

Geez.

I don't remember this.

It was the first visit you and your parents made...

to us.

Aunt Abby took you fishing for the first time...

and you were afraid to put the bait on the hook.

- She showed you how. - Right.

I remember that hat.

Well, let's see what we have here.

Please don't touch those, dear. They're very fragile.

Those were your Great-Aunt Abby's. She was a big bird-watcher.

Oh.

These were hers, weren't they?

Yes, she kept them here so she could watch the feeders through the window.

- Spot us some birds. - Can I have these?

Sure.

Well, it looks like Abby owned this house.

Yes, it was in her name, but we both helped to pay the mortgage.

I see.

Well, then I guess it's only fair that you get something back.

- How do you mean? - When I sell the house.

Oh.

Did you want to stay on here?

Yes.

That was always the agreement between Abby and me.

Did she leave a will saying that she wanted to give the house to you?

Okay, well, I have no problem with you staying here.

Maybe we can work out some kind of rental situation.

But Abby and I already paid off the mortgage.

I really shouldn't have to pay rent all over again.

But, you see...

Uncle Sam is gonna slap me with a big inheritance tax on this place...

and I can't just let it sit here and eat a hole in my pocket.

Oh.

You see what I'm saying?

I've been here for 30 years. Where am I going to go?

- Do you have any family, Edith? - What do you mean?

Anybody who could take you in?

I really don't want to be "taken in."

Here we go.

This is a beautiful teapot.

Was it Abby's?

No, it was mine.

I thought that before we leave I'd help you sort through Abby's things.

- There's no need for that. - Don't be silly.

Sit down, sweetheart.

She is Ted's family, after all.

You really shouldn't have to do it all. It's an awful job.

After my mother died, my sisters...

Stop picking at that.

My sisters and I had to clean out the house.

I swear, it was a week trying to figure out what to do with all the junk...

that was in the drawers.

So, is most of this furniture yours or Abby's?

It's both of ours.

Actually, Edith said she might want to stay on here a little while.

Maybe... No, thanks.

Maybe we should just...

leave the furniture.

Oh, well, that's tine.

I'm relieved.

Frankly, I didn't know what we were gonna do with all of it...

so...

well, that's perfect.

These, now, were Abby's, weren't they?

Yes.

Some of these are very beautiful.

I gave her that one.

Oh. It's a lovely gift.

Abby was a teacher, wasn't she?

Yes. We both taught at the same school for many years.

Oh. So you've known each other a long time.

Yes.

It must be so very sad for you to lose such a good friend.

Yes, it is.

I think...

that you should have something of hers to remember her by.

I would really like it...

if you would pick one of these birds...

to have as a keepsake.

Are you going to keep them?

Well, I think that Ted would like something of his aunt's.

I don't think we need to take the birds, sweetheart.

They really are part of the family. Maggie would want them someday.

- Let's talk about it later. - I'm going to get some milk.

Let me help you.

Excuse me.

Edith, good news.

I've found a couple of savings bonds that might be worth something.

I was thinking that, after whatever taxes they take out of them...

we could split the amount and that would help you pay for the rent.

- Ted, would you do me a favor, please? - Sure.

The ladder, the one she fell from, is still out in the yard.

- Would you... - Yeah, I got it. I'll move it.

Hon, would you hold this edge over there so we can see how wide this is?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Oh, you know, Edith...

I think that we're gonna take the bed.

It is a family piece. Ted said it's his grandparents'.

Abby never mentioned that.

Well, it is, actually.

Mom, who's this?

Let's see.

- Is that Aunt Abby? - I don't know.

Why are they dressed like men?

I don't know.

We were dressed for a costume party.

Let's go visit Daddy...

in the yard.

Come on.

I didn't mean to leave such a mess.

The problem is, if she stays on here...

we're the ones who are gonna be responsible for her.

Well, I'm sure she has some family somewhere.

What if they don't want her?

It's not fair that we should have to care for somebody else's maiden aunt.

Hey, Daddy, look what I found.

It just fell out of the birdhouse.

That's neat, sweetheart.

Go inside and pick out what you want from Aunt Abby's bird collection.

But that other lady doesn't want me to touch it.

It's not for her to say. Go inside.

What are we gonna do with the rest of the stuff in this yard?

Oh, my darling, my darling.

What do you want?

I found this.

Oh, yes.

Let me see.

It's a starling's egg.

Did it come from the birdhouse?

Oh, they must have hatched.

Great-Aunt Abby knew they were there.

My God.

Here.

That was Aunt Abby's handkerchief...

but you can have it.

Little girl, it is not for you to say what I can and cannot have...

and it is not for your parents to tell you what you can take.

I'm sorry.

It's all right. You can have it.

You didn't know your great-aunt, did you?

She was very kind...

and she couldn't bear to see anything suffer.

When we were girls...

she had her own little hospital for all the birds and mice...

she rescued from her cat.

They all survived.

Those fragile little creatures.

Somehow she helped them pull through.

Edith, I need to go over a few more things with you before we leave.

All right.

Maggie, why don't you go play outside a little bit more, okay?

Edith, I know that you and I...

discussed the possibility of your staying on here...

but as I said, with the taxes and the upkeep and all...

it's just gonna be more practical for us if we sell the house.

Edith, it might be better for you in the long run...

to get a nice apartment or a room somewhere...

where you don't have to worry about cleaning the house...

or taking care of the yard.

- Daddy? - Yeah?

One of the baby birds tell out of the nest. What should I do?

Just leave it, sweetheart. It's not supposed to make it.

Why don't you guys finish packing up while I talk to Edith.

Take this box out to the car.

Do you want one of these?

No, thank you.

Here's what we'll do.

I won't put the house on the market until you're settled someplace else.

And, as I said, I�ll make sure that you're compensated.

I think that's what we should do.

If you knew your aunt at all...

if you...

knew about all the marvelous things that she did...

and how good she was...

and funny...

and tender...

and brave and smart...

If you knew how hard she worked just to find a little peace in this life...

If you knew her at all, then you'd know...

what she...

wanted.

And this wasn't it.

No, my dear, this certainly wasn't it.

Okay, Edith, we're gonna go now.

Why don't I call you in a couple of weeks...

and we'll see where things are at.

Well, Edith, it was very nice to meet you.

And I am so very sorry about your loss.

Pack up all your cares and woes

Here I go

Singing low

Bye-bye

Blackbird

Where somebody waits for me

Sugar's sweet

So is she

Bye-bye

Blackbird

No one here can love

Or understand me

Oh, those hard luck stories

They all hand me

Make my bed and light the light

I'll arrive

Late tonight

Blackbird

Bye-bye

Good night, darling. I love you.

- Was that woman here late last night? - Very, very late.

Man, you scored. What happened?

We're lying there afterwards and I'm thinking...

that was nice.

She seems cool.

It was almost as if I said it out loud, 'cause the girl starts freakin' out...

sayin' this was her first experience with a woman...

and she just wanted to know what it was like.

Great. The science experiment.

It's like we're the only people in the world who understand each other.

Baby, you just need to get laid.

I just want a real relationship.

You wouldn't know what to do with a real relationship.

The second we started going out, you lost interest.

That's unfair. We both said we're better at being friends.

We are.

You're just way too into your freedom.

I'm not saying that I don't want my freedom.

I just think it's possible to have that and be in love too.

After the revolution we can all find love.

- Good morning! - Peace, man!

He is so tucking uptight.

Back it up, baby. Let's roll.

Then my mother says to me, "You're in college to meet a nice boy."

- Get the tuck outta here. - That's exactly what I said.

You said "tuck" to your mother?

No, I just told her it was hard enough to meet a nice girl.

Shit, we're not this late, are we?

The college told us we can't have our meetings on campus anymore.

They don't wanna to support us because they think we're a lesbian group.

But they can't do that to us.

Yes, they can do that, Linda.

We have to be really clear about what kind of group we are.

It's too risky to include your issues right now.

You're kidding me.

First we have to fight for equal rights between men and women.

- There isn't any room for you guys. - Diane, we started this group together.

Yeah, and I worked my butt off to get free birth control on this campus.

You think I was protecting my right to screw frat boys?

That is exactly the kind of attitude we don't need in here.

We did it for you!

Just calm down!

Let's go, Linda.

It's our group too.

- I can't get over Diane. - Forget about her.

- Screw them. Why don't we go out. - Where do you wanna go?

I don't know.

Out.

I don't want to run into any of 'em.

Fuck 'em. We got each other.

We could go to that gay bar out on the old highway.

I heard that place was a dump.

Yeah, a dump.

Yeah, but aren't you still curious?

Not really.

You sure this is a lesbian bar?

You sure this is a lesbian bar?

It's a dyke bar.

Would you lay off?

All the boys and girls

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea

Joy to you and me

One more time, y'all!

You know I love the ladies

I love to have my fun

- Linda, we're not staying here. - Come on, it could be fun.

You girls sure you're in the right place?

We're not girls. We're women.

- Could we get a pitcher of beer? - Come get it yourself.

There's no table service.

Okey-dokey.

Looks like the women's movement is alive and kicking here at Georgette's Bar.

Man, look at that suit.

Be careful. She might slip you her number.

I'm telling you, you're gonna get picked up on by her.

Here.

Thank you.

Gettin' jealous, baby.

Oh, man, tell me that's not a tie.

I even got my dad to stop wearing one.

On a woman it's ten times more offensive.

Shit. I'm all out of smokes.

I'll be right back.

Hey, could I get a pack of smokes, please?

Cigarette machine is busted.

Is the machine busted for everyone...

or is it just busted for me?

Hey, me and my friends are gay, you know.

What do you want, a medal?

I wouldn't take it personally. I don't think she's ever fixed that machine.

You want one?

Thanks.

I got it.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Keep the pack.

- You sure? - I don't really smoke.

I just carry 'em to look tough.

Does looking tough make it easier to go to a bar alone?

I like being alone.

Really?

Do you want to dance?

I can't.

My friends are here.

Thank you.

Let's get out of here.

I'm gonna stick around a while longer.

Come on. This is some bullshit. Let's go.

It's cool. I�ll meet you guys at the house later.

All right. Bye.

See ya... Oh.

There you go.

I'm not gonna just abandon you here.

It's my choice.

Looks like your friends left.

Looks like it.

Now would you like to dance?

Yeah.

I'll bet your mom made you take ballroom dancing.

How did you know?

I know a few things about you.

For starters, I know you're interested.

You stayed when all your friends left.

I'm curious, in a way.

Curiosity turns me on.

It's really nice of you to give me a ride.

It's gonna be cold on the back of the bike.

What about you?

I'm used to it.

Now?

Hold on tighter.

It isn't about sex. It's about not falling off.

There.

I could ride around all night on this.

I drove 300 miles from my hometown the day after I bought it.

I kept forgetting which was the brake and which was the clutch.

Good. Now you tell me.

So, do you live near here?

On Fourth Street.

I'm sorry. You probably wanna get going.

So what, you're finished with me now?

I didn't mean it like that.

I'm only kidding.

You're pretty easy to get. I thought you were a tough feminist.

I am.

I thought you were just tough.

Well, what do you think now?

It's late.

I should go.

- What about your shirt? - Don't worry about it.

You could come pick it up tomorrow.

How about after work?

- You weren't gonna tell us. - You got home really late.

There's nothing to tell. I just got a ride.

- Did anything happen? - Yeah, who is she?

She gave me the cigarettes.

- You did not go home with the tie. - I told you, I just got a ride home.

That's worse than imagining you with a man.

Can we talk about something else?

I run into women from the collective all day.

I don't know whether to say "hi" or to pretend not to see them.

Say hello, tell them that we're gonna start a lesbian group on campus...

and that they're welcome to join.

- We are? - How?

We could. I mean, we pay tuition like everybody else.

You're right.

We'll have a rally, get people to sign a petition.

Then the college will have to recognize us. Right?

Why not?

Oh, man.

What the fuck is Diane doing here?

Damn, Linda!

- How you doing? - Actually, great. Nice of you to ask.

We were just talking about a rally we're having to get support for our new group.

Look, I feel really bad about all this. We never wanted to exclude you.

Diane, that group that you and I started was for all women.

I still want it to be.

We're still lesbians, Diane. That hasn't changed.

I know that.

I was just trying to say, if we take it step by step, maybe next year...

So until then we should just pretend that we're not lesbians?

We're not going anywhere.

Do you have something for me?

I forgot.

It was nice meeting you, Linda.

Ladies.

- Do you know her from school? - We don't know her at all.

Well, I'll see you guys.

How do you expect us to be accepted as feminists with your "boyfriend" around?

Right on.

You're not into her, are you?

What does it even matter?

She's never gonna speak to me again after the way I treated her today.

How can you like someone who dresses like a man?

You saw those women in the bar.

We fought so hard to break free of those rules.

She's not like that.

It's like she doesn't need other people to define who she is.

She knows.

I brought you your shirt.

I don't care about the shirt.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize for what happened today.

I mean, you just showed up at a tense moment.

You mean it got tense when I showed up.

It's not like it's never happened before.

I thought if you invited me over you knew it was me showing up.

I know. I know, and I'm really sorry.

Well, is that it?

Can I come in?

Would you like something to drink?

No, I'm fine.

Sorry. That was my one idea.

Just relax.

You're beautiful.

Did you hear me? I said you're buying me breakfast.

I'm using your toothbrush.

I wish I could take you out to breakfast like that.

You look really sexy.

So am I the woman and you're the man?

- Then why do you dress like one? - This is how I feel comfortable.

Do you see yourself as a woman?

Don't you think I know what people think of me?

This is me. It can't be any other way.

- Have you ever been... - What's bothering you?

If we go to breakfast, people will know what you are because you're with me?

No, that's not it.

You know what?

Forget about breakfast.

Yeah, we can do it some other time.

What are you doing? It's like your parents are coming over.

No, it's more like her husband.

You promised to give her a chance.

Sorry.

- I brought you these. - Thank you.

They�ll be nicer after they've had a drink.

Flowers for the little woman.

I could get a sudden attack of food poisoning and have to go home.

Right now.

Just say the word. I won't take it personally.

No. I want you here.

What kind of work do you do?

I work in a mail room.

- Do you need some help with that? - No, it's okay.

Let her help.

She's not used to having a man around the house.

No offense. Just a figure of speech.

- Don't you want some wine? - No, thanks.

- You're afraid you're gonna relax, huh? - Yeah, something like that.

Come on. What do you mean?

If somebody tries to mess with me, I just wanna be ready.

It's the way you dress.

- 'Cause of the way I look. - 'Cause people are assholes, Karen.

Now, you know you could dress differently, make it easier on yourself.

It wouldn't be easier.

Well, that tie's been hurting my eyes all night long.

- Stop it. - I don't mean it as an insult.

The girl is suffocating herself and she doesn't even realize it.

- Try that on. - No, thanks.

- It might look good if you... - Leave her alone.

It's just a shirt.

You've been acting like a freak all night.

It's no big deal. I'll try it on.

You can try it on here. We're all women, right?

Wow.

Okay, now take it off.

- She might like it. - I don't.

You can't see yourself. I've been dying to do this to your hair...

- Don't touch me! - Stop it.

- Please, I'm sorry. - For what? That you're ashamed of me?

I would never want you to change for me.

Do you have any idea what you just did?

You wanna know why you don't like Amy?

It's because you're scared of anyone who's not just like you.

- I need you to hear this... - The clothes are only part of who I am.

- When I was little... - Yes, I do.

You do?

Yeah.

All of this time I haven't been ashamed of who you are.

I've been ashamed of myself.

So?

So you accept who you are, and I love that about you.

I wanna be like you.

I think you'd look pretty stupid in a suit and tie or a motorcycle jacket.

You know, I think it's time that the big, bad, scary lesbians...

went inside and had sex, if anybody cares.

- Good coffee. - It's good?

Good. It's been made for a few hours.

Strong.

It's been really cold.

- Lately it has been. - Yeah.

Fran!

- But not too cold. - No, not too cold.

But for this time of year, it's been cold.

Fran, for goodness sakes!

Very nice.

It's not that we don't want you...

in the child's life.

It's really... It's mainly that we just don't want you...

in the child's life.

You understand. We talked about all this before.

We just think it's a little weird...

not to have any involvement in the child's life.

- Right. Just like some. - A holiday or two.

We know it's your baby, but...

What but? That's why we were so specific with you about the...

the responsibility of the donor.

Exactly.

Zero.

Do either of you guys remember the zero parenting responsibility clause...

that we all agreed to?

Yeah.

We're sorry.

- I think that... - We wanted to. We really did, but...

We know how important this is to you.

We really do. It's just that...

we feel strongly about wanting to participate here.

That's okay.

We understand.

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

It's tine.

- Right? - Right.

What we're going to do is just move on from here...

because this is something that clearly you've thought about.

It's your decision and this is your response...

and this is our response, and you shouldn't feel responsible...

for responding to the way we're responding.

To you.

Look at her.

Look.

Look at him. Is he not the cutest little boy?

I don't know if I can know him.

I don't know if I can know...

To be able to point and say that's the father of our baby.

Not that I can put a face to it anyway. I don't...

No face is okay with me.

I can't believe they have sex selected semen.

And I can't believe you can order sperm over the internet.

Well, I don't think you can actually order it, but...

You can.

You can order it and they send it in the mail.

Oh, no. No, I'm gonna pick it up.

That's the least I can do.

- Are you sure this is legal? - Yeah. They've got menus and lists...

and the whole darn thing.

Maybe we should think about having an ethnic baby.

Ethnic babies are so beautiful.

What, are you kidding?

You're not serious, are you?

- Yeah. I thought I was. - What happened to what we talked about?

I kinda like it to look a little like me. Do I look Indonesian?

- I'm sorry. - Well, I mean, you know...

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry sometimes too.

I love you so much.

I want the child to look exactly like you.

That's too far.

What if they lie? That's what I wanna know.

Will they hire a private detective to follow the guy...

who says he plays guitar after solving world peace every day?

Exactly. Who checks these resumes anyway?

- What do you call those things? - How the hell should I know?

- Profiles. - Profiles. I knew that.

Because that's what the FBI keeps on convicts.

- We're gonna get a felon for a donor. - Who would be more inclined to do this?

Some serial killer who needs $20 or a cute genius with an I.Q. Of a zillion?

What genius gives sperm?

What self-possessed person wants to jerk off in a cup for 20 bucks?

How's it coming?

You know, maybe, I mean, just maybe...

there's some wonderful guy who just walks in here...

and says, "Hey, I just wanna drop off my sperm...

in case there's this...

great lesbian couple who needs it."

I'm scared out of my head.

- Me too. - It's perfectly normal.

All your concerns are normal.

But I have to tell you, before we sell any of our sperm to a client...

we've known our donors for at least a year.

You're kidding.

We do extensive background checks.

We go back at least three generations for most of our donors.

It would be really difficult to lie under those circumstances.

I guarantee, you're getting the cream of the crop here.

Cream of the crop.

Do you believe that woman is talking about sperm...

and using sentences with the word "cream" in it?

Does that seem to be the slightest bit weird to you?

The whole thing is weird to me.

- Maybe we should adopt. - Oh, yeah.

That's easy.

Adoption agencies are always so open to alternative family adoptions.

That's true. It'd be quicker if you got me pregnant.

What are you doing?

- I hate that I can't get you pregnant. - I hate it more.

- Couldn't possibly. - Oh, yeah.

Know why?

When I fell in love with you...

I decided that I never wanted another man in my life...

or in my bedroom, at least.

And now, in order to get pregnant...

I have to have another man, or at least a part of a man...

in the bedroom, and it's not fair.

And so I hate it more.

Honey, you're sitting on my ball.

I'm freaking out.

About what?

I don't have sperm.

That's why I'm freaking out. I don't have sperm.

And I am forced to keep looking at pages and pages of...

potential sperm...

that because I can't...

I can't give you the baby.

So...

So we'll never know that the... what that would be like...

if just by our love, if just by one night of our love...

that we accidentally get pregnant...

If we had that kind of luck, we could say, "Look what we did" out of our love.

But we can't do that, so now we have to look at sperm...

and pick the guy that's closest to me that has blue eyes and blond hair and...

I don't care anymore. I don't care.

Is his sperm gonna be different 'cause he's an electrical engineer...

than the guy that works at a hardware store even, you know?

That has a little red vest? What's wrong with that?

Interests. Hiking. He walks.

Wow. That's special. You must be a special guy.

Our kid is gonna be a great kid...

because we're gonna raise it with such respect.

And we're gonna teach it so many positive things...

and tell it that it can be anything it wants to be.

And it can grow up to be anything and everything...

because... because it's a beautiful child...

and it's an individual, and that's all that matters.

- Am I right? - Yes, you are right.

But I thought we were just gonna narrow it down today.

Just narrow it down to the few that we like.

That's what I'm doing. I narrowed it down.

Okay. Good. Good.

And who did you pick?

I picked the ten nonreligious towheads...

with an IQ over 95.

- Perfect. - Yeah.

Brownie?

I refuse to get fat over this process.

Thank you, though.

Why are we watching TV?

What?

Just thinking there's better entertainment.

Yeah?

- Shelley did this for a year. - Did what?

Peed in a cup so that they could chart her ovulation cycles and patterns...

so they would know the whole thing before they ever even got started.

Who's Shelley?

You know, that woman that used to work with us...

whose husband was a football player for the Lakers.

That was like five years ago.

The story's still relevant.

Okay, go.

By the way, the Lakers is a basketball team.

What did I say?

- You said football. - I did?

- You did. - Whatever.

How am I supposed to keep that all straight?

If we have a boy, you might wanna know these things.

If we have a boy, you�ll know these things.

So why should I have to know these things?

We could have a girl who was more interested in sports than a boy...

and I still wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

- I'm ovulating. - You are?

Right now?

Oh, my God! Grab the profiles!

- So which one should we pick? - The philosophy student.

- But he collects stamps. - Then pick the one you like.

Oh, the sky diver.

We nixed the sky diver. I don't want my kid to have a death wish.

I love that risk-taking quality. We should think about him some more.

What are you doing? I'm not gonna through this again.

- I just wanna be sure. - We are sure.

We narrowed it down to seven choices. Just pick one.

Can you hold, please?

What are you doing? You ovulate once a month. Let's take advantage of this.

- The carpenter. - The carpenter. Good.

Jesus was a carpenter. I like it. What's the number?

- 31058. - 31058.

- They're out of Jesus. - What?

They sold out of it. We should've ordered all of it and put it on hold.

So have them call Jesus and just ask him for some more.

Can you call and ask Jesus for more?

They could try, but the batch wouldn't be tested...

and he doesn't have a girlfriend anymore.

- What does that mean? - He could've slept around.

- Okay. We don't wanna take that chance. - We're thinking.

The professor. He's been married a long time. His sperm will be really potent.

Do you have any more of the professor's?

- The number. I'm sorry. - 83162.

Yes! They do! We want it. All of it.

How much is it?

Wow! Okay, whatever.

I'll be there in about a minute and a half. Good-bye.

I am gonna pick up some very expensive roses.

And then it takes two or three months of testing before they can even qualify.

Yeah.

- We do extensive background checks. - Thank you.

Some of our donors, we go back as far as...

That's fermented fresh milk for you.

That was walking in the field this morning.

- Fermented fresh milk. - Yes, it's not cream.

I've got sperm!

You got the stuff?

Yeah, I got the stuff.

- Why are you whispering? - 'Cause I don't want anybody to see me.

- Okay. - Okay, come in.

- Yeah? - I can't get through the door.

I'd like to hug you too, but I have to put the baby down first.

Oh. Okay.

- What the hell are you wearing? - Do you like it?

- Is it okay? - I got it.

It's fine. I think it's okay.

Oh, my God.

What did you do?

Oh, honey.

You are something else.

What's that?

- I boiled it. - You boiled the baster.

- I boiled the baster. - To sanitize it?

Yes.

Are you trying to make things more difficult?

All right.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Maybe we could take advantage of this. I could give you pedicures.

Sure. I could be like this.

Last one. Last time we do this.

And I'm sorry about it, let me tell you.

Fourth time's the charm.

Scooch for me.

Who would've thunk I'd be so infertile?

- My mom has seven kids. - Seven kids?

You'd think I could have one, right?

But today's the day. I can feel it.

I feel like such a loser.

Come on. You guys are amazing.

You have no idea how many couples come in and do this time after time.

- You just got started. - Really? You promise?

- Look for the silver lining. - Yeah. Okay?

That's the doctor talking. Have a little sip of wine.

All right.

This isn't gonna hurt.

Did I lie? Just a little.

Good.

Would you like to insert the sperm?

- I'm ready. - I'm glad. Because you know what?

- What? - We're done.

What? No kissing?

Oh.

- Oh, God. I love you. - I love you.

- I love you. - I really love you.

I love you both, but let me just leave the room, okay?

- Thank you. - Get out of here, please.

Yeah, my pleasure.

- I think this might be it. - Right. Yeah.

- Yeah. I feel it. - Do, like, a thing.

I don't think she meant immediately immediately.

You could've waited until we got home.

I know what I'm doing.

- You pregnant? - Oh, yeah.

It was an instant kind of a thing.

You need help there? All right.

Do you think it's selfish...

wanting to bring a child into this world?

What do you mean?

Aside from all the...

craziness and the violence...

if it's our child, it's gonna get teased, and...

it's gonna have to defend us.

Maybe.

But kids get teased. All kids get teased.

That's just a part of childhood, isn't it?

And hopefully, by the time our kid is old enough...

to know what discrimination is...

the world will have changed a bit.

If it doesn't?

Then if it doesn't...

is an interesting question because it always has.

All I wanna do is love you.

Just keep loving you and...

love our kid and...

just have that kid witness our love.

It's all from love. How can that be wrong?

You're gonna be a great mom.

I hope so.

Oh, my God.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Thank you. They're terrific too.

You got kids in school here?

We don't... We don't have kids.

Oh. Well...

you should try it.

Good luck.

Thank you.

She says we should try it.

I think we should try it maybe.