Original subtitles

What the?

I, uh, I like your house!

It's roomy. It's very roomy.

Oh shit. Sorry!

Calm down, calm down.

#PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS#

#SOLD#

Hey Mom, Dad?

#GROWING OP#

Hey, hey bud!

These little Afghanis are loving

bat guano steeped with coffee,

So I'm going to move them to a 18/6 cycle

Oh and don't forget to clone the Tasmanians, they're going veg in a day or two

Dad, do we have to keep your bat shit formula in the regular fridge?

Bud, it's just until harvest.

And for your information, that’s primo guano imported from Malaysia.

One of these days, I'm gonna be tired and I'm gonna drink it by accident!

Well, maybe you wouldn't be so tired if you weren't

doing that whole 'gardening' thing on the side.

It's not a 'thing' Dad, it's my job. - The suburban lawn is a nothing but a mutant

monoculture which bears no resemblance to nature.

What is it? You need a raise in your allowance? - I don't even spend what I have.

Quinn, there are a lot of kids your age who would love to be in your situation

How do I know? I don't know any other kids my age

Well try the internet It's a great way for social exiles to find each other!

Alright my little baby, I hope you're thirsty

Grow

Hi sweetie I’m just finishing up my column, then we'll start.

Do you know where your sister is?

Home school There's no escape

Park it gently

Aristotle's conditions for change are two opposed states of being

Such as X goes from being F to being not F, or vice-versa.

Very insightful, Quinn. Yeah, I think that just about does it for today, guys.

Mom, what, what's my grade?

Since when do you want a grade?

Yeah, Quinn Who needs grades?

Mom, you used to teach real school. And I want to know what I'd get.

Well, the point of grades in real school is unhealthy comparison

But if you want to compare, here's a list of some more

exceptional people who were home-educated.

Tennis Star Serena Williams. Country singer Garth Brooks.

'Garth Brooks' Good God - We're waiting to be impressed, Mom.

It's not to impress you. It's to remind you that you're not alone.

Yeah well, misery loves company then.

Ok for tomorrow please identify and sketch three cloud formations

And I suggest that you get to it before supper

Class dismissed

So what's up your butt lately? - Hope, you know, just leave me alone.

Why, are you gonna go masturbate?

Cause if that's what's up, I'm cloud-sketching elsewhere.

Nothing's up Hope, except that I just turned eighteen and I'm already a wanted criminal.

Yeah So?

No, I told you, I don't want you guys selling to losers.

If you vouch for them, fine, but if they stiff

us, they’re getting their faces ripped off.

You too. Love ya, later. Bye.

I got altocirrus. - NO WAY, I called altocirrus!

I'm already drawing the fucking convection layers! I call below the troposphere.

Tough. She's all mine. - Bring it, bring it.

Stop it. Hope I called that cloud and that cloud called me back

I have stilettos. - And I have altocirrus.

Jeez, Quinn. We could be looking at this in a book.

Don't you ever feel like you're missing something?

No bro, I hang out at that school

I see what those saps go through

Hope, I want to meet normal people

Quality people, who aren't involved in the illegal drug trade

I'll try not to take that personally - Jeez, is it wrong to be part of LIFE?

I mean ok, we're in it but we're not in it!

All its because our parents.

Chill, man. We're not some crime op with pit bulls and AKs

Mom and Dad are boutique dealers

Great. Maybe they'll give us all 'boutique' cells in prison.

Quinn, you want quality? There it is.

Dad's sweet new Mongolian hybrid.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

You fuckin brown-noser. Are you done already?

It was easier in the country. More space. Fewer distractions.

Hmm Like those police choppers circling every other day?

I find that to be pretty distracting, Diana

He needs a girlfriend. - Then maybe he'd loosen up already.

Jeez, how did we ever bear a kid that doesn't inhale?

Sure he's mine?

The only thing he knows about females is from sexing our plants.

Maybe we should get him a hooker

Ahh, great idea

I don't want you to hurt yourself boys but please be careful with that.

Marilla. They can handle that. That's what we're paying them for.

I got it here. Alright. Easy, easy.

Hi - Hello

Uhm, I'm Quinn and I mow some of the lawns around here.

How nice of you to offer

We're the Connors, from West Haven

Dr Charles Connors

And where do you live, Quinn? - Oh just across the street.

Oh, I love the aubergine trim around the windows

Charles, look! - Marilla, we've discussed this.

We're not 'aubergine trim' people.

Hey, where do I put the good china.

Crystal.

Hi. - Hi.

This is Quinn. He's offered to take care of our grass. - Uh, your lawn.

Of course. - Crystal, the china goes upstairs, as in, inside.

Hey um, d'you wanna walk to school together tomorrow?

I still don't know where it is. - Well.

Sure, okay.

Great I uh, I'll see you then.

I see your parents take great pride in their property.

The only good weed is a dead weed, I say.

Charles is fussy about appearances.

Burn them all, won't you? Bag them and burn them to ash.

You know, my parents say pretty much the same thing.

Welcome to the neighborhood

Thank you

Doctors, huh? From West Haven

I hear that in West Haven they will flog you for chewing gum in public.

Well then, they'll keep to themselves. That's good. - No, that's great

All these flamingo-worshipping dolts keep to themselves

because that's all they care about is themselves

They're not all dolts. - Most. You know, you kids should be enjoying this.

There's almost no rebellion left. - Not if I can help it, Dad!

I don't know what upsets me more, Missy

The fact that your street sales are putting us at risk

or that your goods are cut from my castoffs!

I wouldn't sell these to a frat house!

Quinn. You just guanoed the same seedling twelve times.

Oh

Stop! - You don't get it Hope. We clicked.

Bro, you're so deprived, you'd probably click with a plush chair.

So what's the problem? - Her parents are conservative types Hope.

They'll probably think we're a pack of new age eco-lunatics, at best. - Well, we are

And when she goes to school tomorrow, it's OVER

Some guy is gonna snap her up in a nanosecond

Some quality guy who plays sports and his family doesn't grow

dope or have bat shit cappuccino in their fridge or a kid

sister running a CARTEL from the back of her Jeep!

Some of those school boys are hot. In a smelly-beast kinda way.

Yeah, you're screwed. - You're a big help, Hope.

I don't get it. Are they related, or are they dating?

They're related and they're dating

So she broke up with the other guy?

Mm Quinn, uh you better put on some sunscreen

There's a bit of UV spillage from the halide lamps

Uh how much is a bit dad? Are we talking like a bit of cancer?

Less than sunlight. Well have to re-fit the reflectors tomorrow.

You better put on a hat tooÀúFÀúF

I just can't believe people really live like this

Mom, The OC isn't a tragedy - More like a horror movie

You don't wanna watch this It's very toxic to you

Who's that?

It's probably just the new neighbors from, oh SHIT!

Wood Sprites! Wanna buy some cookies?

What is with these kids? Take a goddamn hint already!

Well, the lights are on, they think someone's home

Yeah but the plants in here are in 12-hour light

phase. If we turn them off it'll ruin their photosynthesis!

GO AWAY, PLEASE! - Dad, they're just WOOD SPRITES!

Well, you look like big girls

Can't you read my sign?

Wel-come!

Well-thanks, but we're not interested

But everybody else on your street is buying them. It's for a good cause

Ah So you're selling conformity along with toxic

sugar treats? Well, did you know that the Wood Sprites can

trace their insidious origins back to Lord Baden-Powell, who

was not only a neo-facist, but was also an infamous advocate of apartheid?

What? - Yeah Ask your mom. And tell her that you'll just have

to peddle your little boxes of bigotry elsewhere. Night- night!

Mom, what's apartheid?

Bryce, that was excessive

I know, but how can their parents enroll them in a scam like that?

I mean, we don't sell poison to kids. Why should they be allowed to sell it to us?

Uh, you know why I have trouble making friends?

Look, if we're so freaked out by Wood Sprites, how am I

supposed to ever connect with people MY OWN SIZE!?

Wood Sprites are evil. They’re a League of pint-sized little narcs.

I was a Wood Sprite

Yeah but you grew out of it

Quinn, no you gotta leave some of the spurge

It gives the lawn natural character. - It'll spread to the neighbors.

Hey, if a little character spread to the neighbours that would be just fine.

Enjoy nine-to-five hell, suckers

Spew as much CO into the biosphere as you possibly can

Jeez, why is it that the smoke from that

thing is legal and ours isn't?

Hey, what's that smell?

New purifier. Now the air from the house

goes through a state-of-the-art re-odorizing filter

Mmmm Cherry blossoms

We still smell like skunk, Dad If you're looking for it.

Think of it more as Jerry Garcia's bubble bath

Great

Now be thankful bud. High school is the nursery

for all of this

Hey Wanna walk to school together?

Sure I'll walk with you, but I,I don't go to school. - You don't?

Oh, but I'm not stupid or anything

I am something but I, I don't, I don't go to school, at school.

Really. - Well, it's just my parents They don't believe

in they, they don't want me institutionalized

Oh my God You're like!

OH NO I'm not like that I'm not

No, I don't mean institutionalized as in 'mental' I mean, well sure,

sure I can act crazy sometimes but who doesn't and I really just had a

bad case of the flu.

It was uh, oh it was the bird flu - Oh I hear that's bad.

No, no, I'm better now Crystal, I'm very healthy!

Well, you look healthy. - Thanks. Thank you.

So do you.

I'm gonna get a ride with my dad.

Hey, I thought you weren't coming!

I think it's time I've missed quite a few classes

Good because I'm totally lost and late for my first

period. Do you know where uhm B 241- is?

Sure It's, uh, it's that way

And then that way You hang a left

And there should be uh, stairs

Go right Right Go upstairs, right

Yeah that's a lot of stairs. - Where is it, on the roof?

You really can't miss it. - Okay, I’ll see ya later.

Okay.

What can I do for you Quinn? Drop slip? Multiple F's?

I'd like to know how I, how I go about, going to school here.

Great. Okay. We're talking next year?

No, actually I'd like to start today

Oh, did you just recently move here? - A few months ago.

Okay, well. Let's see we need a transcript from your former school,

birth certificate, health records and

your parents need to come in - Do my parents have to?

Yes. They need to sign your admission docu...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing?

I can't, this is a bad idea

Wa, wait Wait, wait

You get me health and birth records

I'll see if I can get you in with an equivalency test

And my parents?

Most new kids get dragged in here by their folks

Never had one come in on his own before

Must be a Halley's Comet year

Why are the police here?

Ah they're looking for drug sales. We've had a real problem with that lately.

Mom? - In the grow room.

I have a birth certificate, don't I?

Tell me you have some real official PROOF that I exist!

Of course you exist, sweetie

And you don't need an official document to say that you do

We're not North Korea!

I am not signing anything No son of mine is going to high school!

I'm old enough to decide myself. - Quinn, you have no idea how lucky you are.

You're getting a first rate education from your mother

who is a certified teacher - Mom, I love learning from you I do, but.

What more do you expect and why now? - Because it's my LAST CHANCE!

I mean, I spend more time talking to these damn PLANTS

than I do to people my own age! - But Quinn, the cost

What those idiots are gonna do to your mind. - Rote learning.

They'll teach you to memorize, not understand

They will erode your innate reasoning skills. - Exactly

Why would you ever want to leave this healthy,

oxygen-rich learning environment to go breathe recycled

farts all day in a concrete coffin for your mind?

I don't know that sharing a bedroom with Aunt Mary

and chain smoke is exactly a healthy environment

Quinn, modern education produces specialized workers

for a technical society that is structured on an exploitative

labor model that hasn't evolved since the Industrial Revolution.

Do you understand? - Yes I understand but...

He understands - Do you know most kids your age wouldn't

have a clue what we just said?

You're much too special to be specialized

People go to high school, okay. Decent people and I've met them.

Who are the 'decent people'? Pol Pot went to high school

George Bush went to high school! - YOU and MOM went to high school!

Your mom thinks that these patio lanterns are better

for our cover than lawn gnomes

Personally I’m uh inclined to disagree

Yeah like the welcome mat?

Exactly

Alaskan Thunder Fuck

Most nuanced smoke this side of paradise

Too complex to be engineered

Can't be cloned. My personal stash.

Quinn, we didn't move here just for the anonymity

And, it wasn't just because we were made. - What else is there?

I felt that it was the ultimate test for all of us

to be able to live with them but never have to be them

Because I was for awhile.

You were? - In the eighties. Big money.

Junk bonds. Low interest. Everyone was borrowing, acquiring.

It was all very persuasive

And even though your granddad was the best grower in the

country,

I took a job in the market

Everyone my age was doing it and getting rich legally

By the time everyone realized that it was all based

on a false valuation of the world's corporate worth

We lost everything.

So what happened? - You were just born.

We lived in a van with leaky exhaust

Your mother would check on you every two minutes

to make sure you were still breathing

I lost myself out there. I followed.

Dad, I'm not following anybody.

Just know, that your mother and I aren't middle-aged

criminals‚ taking our children out for a thrill ride.

It's our freedom, bud.

It's our nature

Yours too

Whatever you do, don't risk that

Don't worry, Dad I won't

God I hate these lights

This is disgusting. - Hope, a little privacy please.

Trust me I'm saving your life

Nerd. Nerd. Preppy scum.

Disaster. - I bought this one special.

No. Quinn, wear this. - No, I want to make a good impression.

Okay then well if anyone asks, you're an only child!

Fine by me. Take this. - Fuck off!

The books will be dry, but you're going to ace the

sciences and I will help with math as best I can

You look great. Like, the mall. - Thanks mom

I made you a tahini and honey sandwich.

Mom. Mom. It's okay.

Oh, don't let them brain-wash you. - I won't Mom.

You're the best teacher I ever had and ever will have

So, uh I'll start on the enrollment

And, for now, you can use school facilities to study for your equivalency exam.

Thank you, sir.

Mr Slack

You must sign the attendance sheet

If you do not sign the sheet, you lose library privileges

Signing the sheet for another student is prohibited

The sheet is located on my desk under the plastic apple

Mr Kravitz you signed the sheet you must be

here

Lenny Lenny Kravitz

Will you please identify yourself?

Then Fern goes 'Since you and Phil are just friends, can I ask him to the prom?'

She's so dreaming. - Well hello!

Did you see that porn she wrote on his wall? Dirty slut.

I'm a COW on Facebook I don't need new photos, I need a new face.

No worries! I know this doctor who gives botox injections to minors.

Botullin Toxin A was actually first used to treat cross-eyedness.

My mom, she calls it 'facade-omy'.

Facade' o-me?

Kravitz? Lenny Kravitz?

If someone signed in for Mr Lenny Kravitz,

it's AGAINST THE RULES, which clearly state

that no student may sign in for another!

GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU KIDS!?

What's going on, is he okay?

Hey, they're trying to give him a nervous breakdown

It's kinda their project before graduation

So why are they trying to give him a nervous breakdown? - Because he's there.

Just try to stay off their radar.

Speaking of radar, can you tell me how to find B241.

Up your ass and take a left.

Psst! Hey.

Hey.

Uh, what are you doing?

We're germinating seeds and recording the various effects. I'm eating them.

I know a bit about seeds I could help

Really? That would be great because

my lab partner is a total distraction.

Hey hall rat I know what you're thinking man but,

that's not your cheese.

Whoa, whoa. You okay?

How's your first day going? - Well, I think I could go to biology class.

Well no, for legal reasons, we can't really do that until you're enrolled.

Once you pass the exam, we'll set you up.

By then, she'll be set up.

Crystal? Hey so where are you going?

Home. - Yeah? Me too. Neighbour.

Well, you know what they say about the boy next door. - Oh yeah? Well what's that?

He's usually a serial killer.

So what's your dark secret? - Me? There's no secrets. Like none at all.

Damn. That is boring.

So, you like Teenage Head? - I LOVE THAT BAND!

Ohh yeah, me too. - They're so cult, like this hidden treasure I have all their music!

I've got the original vinyl - Get out! Really?

Hey lab partner!

Hey, hop in I'll give you a ride home.

You guys don't know each other? - Na.

Well, Phil Steadman, class president, this is... - Quinn. Hi.

‘Queen'? - No. It's Quinn. Like the Mighty Quinn.

Checkerboard shirt with camo pants?

It’s such a cry for help

Hey Crys, will you sign my chastity pledge?

No sex till prom party

I'm raising money for Unicef. - You want a ride too, man?

Yo, Mansteed, this is the exec limo, not a fuckin bookmobile. Not cool.

So what’s up with, you know your sailor suit?

Nothing’s up I got practice for the musical

But I still kick ass!

Hey, I just remembered. I gotta go to the guidance

counselor to talk about college interviews. I'll see ya

We'll be seeing you, Quinn.

Yeah. Cool.

Cool.

There's something fucking wrong about

the hot New Girl and the loser New Guy hitting it off

They're completely ignoring our social structure.

I KNOW who he is! He's that freaky

Boo Radley guy that mows our lawn!

You need a thing bro. - What thing?

Jocks have sports Nerds have mental superiority

And stoners have hot knives and metal shop

Without a 'thing', you're gonna be shunned by all

You've never even been inside Hope. - With my network of sales agents,

I don't have to I have a perfect perspective

On what? - High school, dick wad. It's a jungle in there.

I'll protect you If I can

You're my little sister, Hope. Little sister.

And you're like Bambi with a bazooka.

If you compromise me or the clan, I'm cutting you loose Do you hear me?

Compromise you? - To paraphrase Aristotle Quinn,

Don't fuck with my good life. - Hope, there are COPS in that school

because someone, god-only-knows-who-is selling

Cops shmops You're what scares me

Fine Fine Fine

I can handle this my own way

You are so meat.

Hey. - These are for you! - Really? How sweet!

They're wild. Those are mums,

that’s purple butterfly and those are daisies so you

don't have to pick the school's.

Hey you should know some people are talking about you.

Talking about what? - Philip said he saw you peeping in his window

But I said that was impossible because you had the bird flu

Case of mistaken identity. Right?

Right. Mistaken identity. That. - I'm so relieved you're not a pervert!

Me too. Talk about dark secrets! - I never trust gossip.

At my last school, there were rumors I was a nymphomaniac.

How awful for you. - Yeah.

Dude, you smell GOOD!

It smells like a big spliff

Hey man, are you holding or what?

Let's hold him up from his toes.

Shower's right through there. Unfortunately, the school doesn't supply towels so

I'll air-dry, sir It's more eco-friendly

It's more friendly

You just like wearing makeup. And that sailor suit. HMS Pina-Fag.

They needed a baritone bitch.

Anyone have any extra pants?

Oh my God! Quinn? - It's not how it looks!

Some guys stole my clothes. I'm not a pervert or anything! Really.

Soooo, college interviews going well?

Crystal, would you excuse us? - Yep. Definitely.

Kids around here are pretty devious

I wouldn't trust anyone with my gym gear. - Thank you, sir.

Make sure you pass the test, Quinn

I wouldn't want to lose her either

I said family meeting ten minutes ago

I don't have time for a family meeting. I've only got TWO days left to study.

There's always time for family

And, this is rather important

We've had another outbreak of aphids on our crop

Oh no! Dad, you don't mean? - Yes. I've had to release the ladybugs.

Last time they were crawling everywhere for weeks

Quinn we don't use pesticides here. And besides ladybugs are our FRIENDS.

They're magical

Friends On the social scale of Embarrassment,

ladybugs are a TEN. - Yes.

Why don't we just leave the house for awhile?

That's a great idea We let these guys get started

and you two can help me collect bat guano at the park

Oh honey that's a great idea. - Our shame goes to eleven.

When they're crawling in my bed they're a little more than friends.

You'll never get em all I'm crashing at my safe house til their cycle runs out

As if it isn't hard enough trying to make friends,

real friends, now I gotta deal with these ladybugs

Quinn, build your peeps one at a time. And remember the first rule of sales.

Which is? - 'Only flow to those you know'

Kids, time for Dark phase! - I'm not done studying!

Quinn, you can't!

Those are Dad's prize clones from Chiapas, Mexico

I don't care. Hasta la vista. - It's your Mexican revolution.

G'night, you guys I love you! - I love you too!

Hear that? They love you

What do you think you're doing?! - I thought you might want company.

Look into my eyes, man! I'm a teen psychopath! Can't you tell?

I've never seen one up close. - Only thing that keeps those bullies off

of my back is that my brooding bitterness might set me off on a shooting spree.

You won't really, though. Will you?

Who knows. But if you sit with me, you're be marked like me.

But it's just lunch, eating

If you can get her you'll be marked like a fucking hero

...silver. - Hey not too much off that stalk.

You just cut off a good bud, Bud!

So much to memorize. My eyes hurt.

Hey well don't forget to feed the Mexicans.

If you can take five showers a day you can water a few plants.

You know when I was your age I had 20 plants to take care of.

What a tired curriculum

It's a recipe for mind control

Quinn, is it really worth it?

It's for me. - It's for you?

Hey, I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly an open house here

Hi

It's the girl across the street

What are you doing here? - Uhm, before I forget, here.

Thank you. - Do you want to study together?

I mean, I know you're in catch-up mode,

and I'm trying to get my grades up for college so.

Sure. Yeah, I'd love to study, study, with you.

Can we do it at your place? Ours is a real mess right now.

Yeah, I'll check with my parents

I'll grab my books. - Okay.

Our house is not messy. If anyone can operate a full-scale indoor farm

and a home and do better... - The answer to your question, Mom, is Yes.

It's VERY worth it.

We'll call at intermission. But we could be back at any time.

Don't worry, Dad Quinn has a major test tomorrow

You have a major test tonight. - Yes sir.

So, what chemistry are they teaching you kids these days?

Actually sir, it's a bit obsolete

What does this note mean? 'Feed Mexicans'

Foster children. We have foster children Little Mexicans.

And uhm, we, mail them food

How sweet Now kids I want you to stay downstairs

because we're painting the upper floors

Yes The fumes are suffocating

They're nice.

Can you believe my parents locked the liquor cabinet?

They're scared we'll get drunk and have sex cause they haven't had any in years

None in years? Must be really tough

Anyway my parents don't even like me drinking coffee,

even though they knock back like a bottle of wine a night each. Yours?

Uh, they have, their vices

The coffee's good. - I drink it to piss 'em off.

I'd even get suspended again just to see them get excited about something.

You got suspended? - From my last school.

It's kind of hard to hide a joint in your kilt, you know?

I bet. - Anyway, my Dad's like 'I'm not paying

for private school education anymore,

blah blah blah, so we moved.

Here?

Hey! You don't have any, do you?

Uhm, Any what? - Any weed, you dork.

Oh, wh-what makes you think I do, I would?

I dunno. You seem like a misfit. - I do?

Yeah but, in a good way. You know like. No one really knows you.

You're like a mystery man. - Mystery's kinda my thing.

I could really use a hit right now

But I can't keep any because my anal parents search my room every fuckin' day

Well I don't have any. - It's probably a good thing.

It makes me totally horny. - I think, on second thought, I might know someone.

They moved away

Hey! I bet Philip could hook us up. - Philip?

He says he's connected and I know he's this weird,

preppy A student and his dad's this influential lawyer, he's

got the goods.

Not tonight okay?

What? You don't wanna have some fun?

I don't want your parents to move you away again

Me neither

You're gonna ace it I know it

I just want you to know that

my palms don't always sweat this much

Okay

Good luck

Yeah, hi I need a strategy session

I ca, I can't do it - Why not?

Sir, I've never had grades before. I don't know how to memorize.

I'm gonna have to tell Crystal I failed and my dad, he's probably gonna be happy.

Your dad would be happy you failed?

I wasted your time and I'm sorry. - A kid comes to me without records.

Maybe he's got a history he's not proud of

I don't see a kid who wastes time

I see someone who wants to stand on his own

Or fall on his face. - No I see someone who's ready for a test of life.

Of character Someone who's strong enough

to overcome whatever it is in his past, make a fresh start

Let's take the shot, shall we?

Begin

Alright, listen up guys If that weed whacker gets

enrolled here, he's gonne be in my face everywhere

He's already working my prom date.

Options. - Well, your general popularity makes you a shoo-in

for valedictorian, but maintaining image, is so key.

Yeah well I better still be valedictorian, or my dad's not gonna pay for law school.

So overt aggression is out. - Damn!

I say rat-fuck him socially. - His parents are soooo weird.

My kid sister is a Wood Sprite and they scared her half to death.

My mom sees his mom at the mall

His mom shuts her eyes and has some kinda seizure

every time she passes Baby Gap

Weird or what! - Alright, alright. This is good.

Drop your pencil, Quinn

I hear rumours he's got a sister who's a call girl

She talk about some guy named Aristotle

Must be her pimp

Good work people. Now listen, let's get more.

What the?

GUYS DUDE!

The uh, the amount of work you had to cover

in a short time was a lot

Maybe I just got caught in up trying to graduate one more student.

Came up a little short

Of one HUNDRED, my young friend!

Attaboy! Woo! HOLA!

Way to go, Dumbass

Everything Aced the science like the back of my hand, Mom!

Honey! We passed!

Oh well, I'm glad somebody's having a good day

These Alaskan clones aren't taking Too complex for me

We have a beautiful celebration dinner planned for you tonight!

Sorry Mom I forgot to tell you I’m invited to Crystal's place for dinner

Bud, your mom and I have been working on this all day

Let's do it tomorrow okay? Cool. Cool.

We should know better

Living things break ground

They flourish, flower,

only to be cut down

Quinn?

Oh, no no no no no

Dad what are you doing here?

What happened to the Mexicans?

I dunno. Maybe they picked up irregularities in the,

you know, the PH levels or... - When did this arrive?

We're invited. - Maybe you forgot to put 'No Invitations' on the door.

It says that 'You and Your Parents are cordially invited to dinner tomorrow'.

Dad you're kidding? - Well maybe your mother and I would like to.

Since when? All you do is make fun of everyone

who lives around us. You don't even know what's black or white.

We are the bad guys dad.

I prefer to think of myself in shades of gray, thank you very much.

How are you feeling Marilla?

I must have picked up a touch of flu somewhere

I'm a tad nauseous

I’m famished I haven't had too much appetite in the past few days.

I told you we should've postponed. Perhaps we should go to the hospital.

Oh wow. The hospital. - Well there's something 'wow' worthy about that?

Uh, no I've never, I've just never been to a hospital before.

Not even when you had the Bird Flu? - You had what?!

Don't do it Bryce

I figured it out He's troping

You introduce an artificial light source, and everything bends to it

Well maybe we should bend with him

I won't let him be ashamed of us

Well, you're on your own

Quinn, when you were born, you

must've been in a hospital then

Mom, would you just let him eat? - Oh no, actually, I was born at home.

Oh dear Was it an emergency?

So you were a, natural birth?

Natural child birth is reckless

There is no reason why the process can't be made as safe

and pain-free as possible!

Dad delivers babies. Dad would you just let him eat please?

Well I was so young at the time no one asked me which one I preferred

And what do your parents do, Quinn?

Yes, what DO they do, besides breed in a septic environment?

Would you PLEASE just let him eat like a normal human being?

They, they have a uh, they have a home-based

business

Well, it's too bad they couldn't join us

Yeah I know But they've uh, they've had theatre

tickets for ages

Tell us more about them

So Mom, Quinn's uhm planning on going to university.

Why don't you ask him about that?

Excuse me

So what are you planning on studying at university?

I was thinking of being guidance counselor

Or maybe a doctor

Oh no, no

Hey neighbor! I brought dessert.

Creme brule

Interesting uhm texture

Kinda tingly. - Tingly.

My wife sends her apologies, she would have loved to

have joined us but she was feeling a bit tired.

Did you enjoy the theatre? - Oh, I plan to.

Didn't you see a show tonight?

Yes, of course We saw a production of 'Hair'

I didn't know it was running. It’s a little early for a show to get out?

It was a shortened production

They should have called it 'Hair-Cut'

Quinn tells us that your family sponsors children in Mexico

We don't see them that much because they don't visit

Such a long way

And I'm sure it's very difficult for them to cross the border.

You could most definitely say that

So you're Crystal

My son has told me a lot about you

Really? Cuz he's told me nothing about you

I'm sorry Sorry 'Hair-Cut'

Hair-cut

Suddenly struck me as funny

Never apologize for laughter Marilla. It is the sweetest sound there is.

And your creme brule.

Is wonderful.

Well it's an old family recipe.

Were we going to the uh, hospital?

I don't think we decided. - Are you sure?

That we didn't decide? - Perhaps we should. - Decide?

No. Go to the hospital. - Maybe you should go to the hospital.

How funny feet are!

I've always thought so, Marilla.

I can't decide though

Is it just my feet or is everybody's feet funny Charles?

Do we have spiders? - Spiders?

Don't you see the spider webs? There's spiders up there!

Wait awhile. They'll go away. - We have ladybugs. They're not going away

What about the spiders? - Who cares?

I want you to look at my feet

and tell me they're lovely.

They're lovely.

I thought we were weird

My parents are SO loose for a change.

They must really like you.

We'll see ourselves out, goodnight. - Well, everybody seems relaxed.

Misson accomplished. - RELAXED? Was that relaxing for me?!

I used a mild sinsemilla. Classy buzz. Subtle undertones.

Mild makes it alright, huh?

Bud, we could've thrown some Afghani-Durban at em,

they'd be naked dancing right now!

Her mom is sick! - Yeah, she is better now.

You know there's more poison in grocery store pie than in our dessert!

Stop saying 'our' and 'we'!

I had NOTHING to fucking DO WITH THIS!

Whoa!

I'm so sorry Mr Dawson. - Mom and Dad, don't usually go to bed this early.

Ah it's quite alright I'm sure they’re going to sleep very well tonight.

Good night, Dad.

Good night Crystal. It was a pleasure meeting you.

Good night

You okay?

Yeah

My parents have been on the verge of divorce for

years Try living with that kind of pressure

I can understand pressure

Hey, you wanna know a secret?

I had sex with a girl once. - You like girls?

I wouldn't do it again, but you know

It was an honest thing

More honest than my parents ever had

Your turn - For what?

Tell me something about you I would never expect

You know something you've never told anyone, just me.

What's the rush? Shouldn't we take our time?

Well, I dunno after grad, we may not see each

other again This could be our only chance

I thought you liked me mysterious. - Yeah, it was intriguing at first.

But you know, if we're gonna be close,

we should be able to talk to each other about anything,

right?

What if there was something about the boy next door?

I knew it! I knew it! Please? What?

Tell me!

I, don't know if I can

If you trust me, I will trust you. With everything.

Come with me to the prom

Then I'll tell you

It means that much to you to go with me?

Yeah

Did I, did I do something?

That's just it

Some things are worth waiting for

Notice to all students regarding our recent ladybug infestation

There is no need for panic. These insects are harmless, and proper measures are now

being taken to make sure they're eradicated

The negative PH in the control soil isn't balanced

for acidity transfer from air Plus, the oxygen rating for

this room is lower than necessary to support photosynthetic

food construction But with the additions of nitrates or

dolyimetric or calcic limestone, plus a half unit of 0,5 PH.

There you go

Hey. Since you're so good in biology man, you must already know.

Know what? - That I'm taking Crystal to Prom.

The best boy always takes the best girl

It's for the good of the species. You dig?

I doubt that Darwin was referring to the Riverview High prom.

For your own best interest you gotta get out of my way.

Or you will get destroyed. - How presidential of you.

See, around here man, family means everything

And I happen to know that you're coming

from an entire family of like, real strange-os

You want the whole school to find out?

Well, I doubt I'm the only one with a mildly-dysfunctional.

Yeah yeah I bet you're the only one whose Dad's

een seen collecting bat shit from the parkette!

So you just gotta get lost again

Alright Quinn? Or you're the one getting buried.

Maybe we shouldn't

I don't think I'm really welcome

Quinn, it's the last party before grad week

Everyone is welcome! Come on.

So what if I'm a bitch, right

I had a good teacher, right? My mom

Your mom is SO fucking my dad

Hello! Your dad is a total SKEEZE!

Once I caught him jerking off watching Degrassi!

We're just having a Parent-Bash

We're going clock-wise, which means you're next,

or is it that way? Yay! I'm finally getting the SPINS!

I am SO going to throw up soon! - You're happy about that?

DUH! So I can fit into a smaller prom dress

God, you're lost!

Hey, Quinn it's your turn

Well, my dad's a pain at times. But mostly, my parents are sorta cool.

No he can't be for real

Hey d'you wanna go get a drink?

Did I say something wrong? Cuz

No What you said took guts

Hey Quinn Come as you are, huh?

You first, mansteed. - Dude, where are your manners?

I say, the prettiest girl in school goes first

What is that?

Dude It's weed, man!

You don't smoke? What fucked-up planet are you from?

No It's Jack Flash

Okay, what? - A derivation, really.

A Bolivian strain crossed with Nepalese Heavy on top, not peaky

Long-lasting, but a bumpy comedown cut like this

Whoa, I dig it!

For a real high, check out Afghani-Durban

The textures are sublime. It's like inhaling silk.

Shit You're makin’ that up!

Yeah It's just weed

This man knows his smoke! - How do you know all that?

Just read about it somewhere

Do you know scientists have found a receptor for THC on brain cells?

Humans and cannabis have evolved together since the dawn of

time Which means society's attempts to curb nature are not

only misguided but also futile?

Far-fuckin-out, man!

I heard about that I thought it was a rumour

I'll be right back

I get high just listening to him

Nice performance, DICKHEAD! - I'm trying to make an impression.

As a weed expert?!

I can flow to my peeps because of my financial hold on them

These jerks are NOT your peeps!

Hope, this toilet seat is wet

This can not be your thing bro. I can't go to Juvie.

I would not look hot in a lime-green jumpsuit

How come it can be your thing but not my thing?

My 'thing' is never selling direct to these drunken

dolts Quinn, they don't even know my real name

It's not how I thought it'd be. - Will you keep shut about the 'peaky comedown crap'

You sound like Dad. - I do?

Here Better dry your ass, Mr Cool

Bend over! - Hope.

Here I'll help you

D'you wanna go out looking like you pissed yourself?

I got guests about to puke!

Whoever's banging in my bathroom I swear.

Hey, everyone! Check this out!

We were just talking. - Yeah I should fuckin' hope so.

It's not that. She's my sister - Hell I am. I'm not his sister

I didn't know you had a sister.

He's locked in the bathroom with HIS SISTER?!

See? I TOLD you he was a perv!

It must run in the family too. His dad abused some little Wood Sprites.

He's from a whole TRIBE of like FREAKS!

And his sister! His sister even dresses like a call girl!

Fuck you. - Oh, you wanna hear more? Huh?

How about mom and dad? You all see Daddy-poo collecting bat shit.

From the parkette. - Listen to me blondie, he might be a freak but he's no

pervert, and he's definitely my brother.

You preppy DICK!

Boys, we're going

I find out you have a sister after she punches out my friend!

Your friend' has had it in for me since the day I came to school!

Yeah and when did you come to school, Quinn?

Came back, I mean. - It seems like you've had the bird-flu for like ten years.

And how could you do people's gardening when you're so sick you can't go to school?

Okay. Maybe I wasn't that sick.

Yeah well if you lied about that, maybe you do peep in people's windows!

No Crystal I wanted to see what a normal house

looked like inside

I thought you were different

You know that you weren't full of the usual bullshit and lies.

But I guess you are.

Normally, we don't involve parents in an incident

like this, a party off school grounds

But Quinn is new, and I thought it'd be good

for us to meet. I understand you have a daughter?

Tell me. What qualifies a person to offer 'guidance' to young people?

Dad!

I'm curious if certification from a college that's

most famous for its 'bitchin keg parties' is enough

that a parent would turn over the future of his child to a

limited athlete desperate to relive his glory

among minds at the level as his own?

DAD! - 'Limited'? - You said it, not me.

I'm very sorry sir, and I promise that this will not happen again. Ever.

Hey! It's the Smoke! - Smoke Man! Lookin yummy!

Thanks for dropping by.

What was that all about?

I get this home visitation from Jocky Mc Jockerson

And then I find out that you're The Smoke Man!

Look, I didn't mean to but, it'kinda my thing now

Oh well you know you're 'thing' going to get us into a whole lotta trouble.

Quinn how many times have I told you not to have people over here unannounced?

Know what? He showed up on his own because he actually gives a shit about me.

Oh, what are you implying? That I don't? - I mean what the fuck do we have Dad?

Not the family business. We don't have that in common. And not sports.

I mean we never even play a game of catch

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't indoctrinate you into all the macho bullshit.

You want me to go get some father-son crossbows or something?

No, you know what's bullshit, Dad? YOU! Because you couldn't hack the real world,

you not only screwed up your own life but your kids' lives too!

Well, guess what? Not mine. No. You know what? Not mine

Not anymore!

Whoa Hey Bud, if we get made over this,

we have to evacuate this house immediately

There'll be no time for saying goodbye to all your friends

Then I guess I'll wave

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny

Lenny, Lenny Kravitz?

Would you please identify yourself?!

Just ONCE, before the school year ends

What's that smell?

Is that a cigarette?

Is someone SMOKING?

That's a marijuana cigarette!

PUT IT OUT! FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUT IT OUT!

My wife smoked them!

She left me for some hairy, lead

singer in a Guess Who cover band!

I haven't been able to listen to the radio since 1986!

I HATE YOU BURTON CUMMINGS!

WHERE IS IT?!

I can't take this!

I can't!

Sir? I'm, I'm Lenny Kravitz.

It's so good to finally meet you.

Ah man. Mrs Fern leaning over that jar.

Anyone got any extra pants?

Hey Smoke, just thought you should know I'm getting D's!

Oh You need some tutoring?

Silly! D-Cups Silicone implants

It's a grad present from my Mom

So, got a prom date yet?

Hey Smoke, I thought you were goin' with Crystal?

I'm going to the prom with Philip. - You can't. He's an asshole!

You've never been honest with me

I don't even know who you are

Crystal, it's still me. I'm just more normal now.

I don't know if there's anything normal about this Quinn.

I thought it's what you wanted and what your parents wanted.

Maybe it's what they want. Just, look have a nice life, okay?

Crystal, don't! PLEASE

Maybe you should just stay away

WAIT!

If I'm totally honest with you, will you change your mind?

I don't know

Then I'm going to show you

Everything

We're losing him

It’s just a crush It's the age

It'll pass, we know that

It'll blow over

None of this is worth losing our children for

No high-minded principle is worth losing one Quinn

Or one Hope. - Is it worth risking everything that we've built, for what?

The girl next door?

For love

You and I have never left each other behind

Crystal means a lot to him

I know how that feels

Then you finally know your son

Mom Dad?

Can we talk?

It's time we did. - Come here baby.

Hey bud

I'm, trying not to hurt you. - I've got one for you, too.

Oh Quinn, I picked this from the garden

and it'll compliment her dress much nicer

Mom, maybe I should just wear Quinn's - No, we can't have our little girl looking

anything but perfect

But he... - It doesn't matter either way

As long you're beside me

Recording for posterity

It's going to be a wonderful night!

And if she's not home by 12, that tux will look fine at your funeral.

Where are you taking me?

A promise is a promise, right? Remember what you said

about the boy next door having a dark secret

Well, I'm not a serial killer

Hello, Crystal It's so great to finally meet you

Hi

We met at the party

Uh, what are?

Crystal, this is awkward and we have a bit of

situation here

But we know that if Quinn trusts you,

then we trust you

We can trust you, right? - Yeah.

Because, even though we have no affiliation with

organized crime,we do have ways to guarantee your silence.

Bryce! - I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

He's kidding

Oh it's uhm really humid in here

You get used to having jeans cling

But we're very clean. - Yeah not like those other grow ops that you read about.

Okay! Let's take some pictures - Pictures. - Yeah Go on, inside.

Quinn do I have this in the right setting? - Yeah just use the flash. - Okay got it.

Okay everybody, get a little bit closer together

Crystal, did you know that Quinn was breast-fed until he was five and a half?

No I wasn't. - Yes you were.

Say 'my cheese' - My cheese!

Okay, that's great. - Is there a bathroom where I could go just to freshen up?

Through there First door after the kitchen

Thanks

You think she's cool? - I don't know yet.

Well, you said that she smokes a bit so if she rats on us then it's tit for tat.

Dad, there's a difference between having the occasional beer and living in a brewery.

I know what this means.

Thank you.

Is it okay if I get a drink? This heat is making me really thirsty.

Great iced coffee, Mrs Dawson!

Oh shit

You're gonna want these.

Can he hear us? Hey Driver Wanna threesome?

He can't hear us HOLY SHIT! OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

That is SO huge! - More mints?

How could you keep this from me? Oh my God, now it all makes sense!

Is it okay?

You trust me this much?

I love you this much. - Well would you?

If you ever found anything this big out about me?

Of course. - Y'know, prom is going to be pretty anti-climactic after this.

That's for sure

But we could do something to make it a little more memorable.

Hello I’ll be adding you to my exceptional persons list.

Yeah, right under Garth Brooks

Well done, sir

I gotta find Crystal

I gotta find a drink!

I haven't been to a high school in twenty years

I wish I could've waited longer. - Don't worry mom, I'll spare you this trauma.

Hi

I'm sorry. - What for?

You're coming with me Quinn - What's goin' on? What's going on?!

What's going?! Dad?

Please remain calm. - Quinn. Just do what they say.

Dad! Mom!

Fascists! We shall overcome!

What's going on? That's one of my students

Back off Police. - Dad! Dad!

Police. - Let's see some ID. - Here's some fuckin' ID

I'm sorry. Tell me something about you I would never expect.

So I was wondering if you wanted to study together?

See? I knew I was the best boy!

Happy graduation, Bud

We call it 'Corsage Cam'

Quinn, we'd like to help you continue down the road you started.

Or we'll make sure you spend the next five years in adult prison.

We don't need your statement.

But it'd be much better for you if you'd tell us in your own words.

Yes, tell us how you put your filthy hands all over my DAUGHTER!

Charlie!

She's not really his daughter

He goes undercover, he gets carried away

Where is she? - That's not important now.

What's important is your future, Quinn

If you want to go to college, we can help arrange that

Based on these arrangements I can almost believe it

Building an air-tight case takes time,

and we had to make certain the plants were in the house

But there's more to it than that.

We've been watching you a long time, Quinn

Not just your dad, but you

Yes, this is one of the major busts of the year

But I also saw it as a rescue operation

You belong in our family

I want to talk to Crystal.

Are you police?

I'm a grad student in criminology

They tapped me because I look young

I didn't know it would be this hard.

Well I feel bad for you. - Don't hate me It was my job.

Crystal. Is that your real name?

I feel like we're gonna be intimate now, and before I give you my

'total honesty', maybe I should know your fucking REAL NAME!

It is Crystal. - So are you the good cop or the bad cop

or the 'let's make it memorable in the limo' cop?

What happened, wasn't supposed to happen

I threw the corsage out the window, remember?!

It seemed sexy at the time

I messed up. And I got into a lot of trouble.

But I am not sorry

That makes one of us

I felt a real connection to you and then,

I mean it just made everything else so much more difficult you know?

I tried to quit and they wouldn't let me because,

you know it was for your good

How could you play with me? How could you.

I thought I was helping to catch bad people

You know and then I met you and your parents and you guys

were you were nothing like what I expected

Then, I dunno, after all this, I don't even know, I don't know

WHERE I belong - I just

I know you did this 'cause you care about me

And I can't stop caring just because I'm supposed to stop

I know

How's Mom? - Mom's fine. She taught high school,

which, as we all know, is much worse than any prison

Hope? They don't know

I suspect that Daddy's girl is probably running a South American country by now.

I feel sorry for South America

So what happens now? - Well, your Mom will get a couple of years.

As for me, well, you're looking at the new Budman of Alcatraz.

They offered you a deal, huh? - Their whole thing was a giant lie. There's nothing real.

No There is

What?

We're a family, Quinn.

Four generations. A fucking force of nature.

And now you're gonna GIVE US UP!

No, Dad I won't. - Yes you are. Yes You are.

No I won't do it! - YES YOU ARE!

I hope that you learned to memorize at that school of yours

because this is the end my friend

HEY HEY BUD! ONE MORE THING!

Catch

DAD! DAD!

Please identify your father.

That's my father.

And is that your mom beside him?

Thank you, Quinn

Thank you for the courage of your testimony

You're an extraordinary young man to have lived through this.

Order, order please

Hey

You didn't take the stand

They didn't need it

I didn't need it

So what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be in school?

I dropped out of criminology

So uhm, my days are kind of open at the moment

Are you going to university?

Yeah Like I'd ever tell you

I wish I knew what parts were real

You were

You really dropped criminology?

So, you've been de-criminalized

#SOME TIME LATER#

How long before they're out? - Mom six months.

Lawyer says Dad'll serve five years if he's good. Big IF.

Hey well uh, by my model you'll be in seven figures

by then Not a bad pension

Getting them to retire will be a whole other ball game. Door?

Thunder-fuck. - She's still a first generation.

Wait till you see her kids

Wood Sprites. Wanna buy some cookies?

Open the door! You fuckin' brown-noser!