Original subtitles

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- Harry?

Harry!

Harry, are you in there?

Harry, I'm coming in.

Coffee in the office.

If we don't pull our fingers out, we'll miss the deadline.

See you there.

- Sorry.

It's a habit I picked up when I was a cub.

In those days, it was the only way

to get through a night shift.

I'll tell you, look at all this crap.

Fifteen years on the job and it still comes in every week;

the same tales of woe, hardship,

heartbreak and confusion.

And each week we print the same snappy,

sharp, cynical advice.

- Some of it must be fun, Harry.

- It's all so our lecherous little readers

can click their tongues in comfort

over their Sunday morning coffee.

Half of it's bullshit.

And the rest...

Well, half of that's made up as well.

- You're just an old cynic.

Anyway, I'm here to take the load now.

Come tomorrow, you'll be out in the bay fishing.

You need never have to worry about it again.

- Oh, you're right, you know. I'll miss it.

Fifteen years as "dear Colette."

It's gotta rub off on you, somehow.

- I suppose they'll keep me as "dear Colette," too.

-Ah, yes, in the troubled eyes of our loyal readership,

Colette is immortal.

Change the name and the myth would vanish.

- Be nice to get your own byline.

- Well, you'd have half the creeps in town ringing up

making personal calls to the office.

Ah, Colette's better.

The switch knows how to deal with them.

- How?

- Putting them straight through to Mildred.

- The tea lady?

- Yeah, what else do you think she does between tea breaks?

They'd the sorry ones, believe me.

No one... but no one... out-talks Mildred.

Now you stick to Colette, she served me well.

- Red ink. - Red ink?

- Yeah, dead giveaway.

Who writes with red ink anymore?

- Well.

- Well, no one, that's who.

Except my old red-handed mate.

Never misses a week. Same old words,

same old four-letter abuse.

I never, ever open official looking letters.

- Why not?

- Public service is full of them.

Well, here we go, then.

I'll have the first lucky dip.

Here's cheers.

"Dear Colette, perhaps you could help me with a problem.

I guess you could say I've led a fairly sheltered life.

One of my few pleasures is reading,

and so I often visit the local library with a friend.

The librarian is very strict, one of the old school,

and will not tolerate any breach of the rules."

Cindy.

- Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

_ "since the incident,

I haven't dared go back to the library again,

and I already owe $37.50 in fines for being overdue.

My life's a mess, my friend won't talk to me,

and I'm reduced to buying paperbacks.

What can I do?

Signed, bookworm."

- That's a good one.

Don't believe a word of it. Still, it'll make good reading.

Now, let's see. Uh...

"Dear bookworm,

I must say, your librarian friend has a novel approach..."

Uh...

"To come upon you like that in the Greek section.

My advice is that you get yourself a new friend

and slip it in later. The book, that is.

And that way, you'll be able to dodge the fine

and..." uh..."Get back to hardcovers."

Yeah, that'll do.

Now, one down, nine to go. Next.

"Dear Colette, I'm a college student

and a very keen gymnast.

Mr. Bates, our gym master,

has always taken a special interest in me.

He says I have a special aptitude.

Afew months ago,

I was in the gym loosening up on the trampoline

after classes when Mr. Bates came in

and gave me some coaching."

There, now we won't be disturbed.

- Yes, Mr. Bates.

- I've asked you to stay because, well...

I have hopes for you.

Yes, out of all my senior year students,

you're the only one that has any

aptitude to become a champion.

What I thought we'd do would be to

run through some of the basics, limber up,

and generally get to know each other,

so that as coach and pupil

we can reach a full understanding.

- That's very kind of you, Mr. Bates.

- Not at all.

Well, let's see.

What I thought we'd do would be to start off

with something you're good at. Say, the trampoline.

- Okay.

- No, no, Ms. Peabody.

We can do better than that, can't we?

- I guess so.

- Perhaps if you remove that archaic costume,

you'll feel freer.

- But Mr. Bates, I'm stark naked underneath.

It just wouldn't be proper.

- Am I your coach or not?

- Yes, you are.

- And are we going to work together

to get you onto that collegiate team?

- Yes, Mr. Bates.

- Then I suggest you do as I say.

- Of course, Mr. Bates.

- All the world's best gymnasts

train in the nude, Ms. Peabody.

One must be able to completely free

one's body for the task.

- What if somebody comes in?

- You saw me lock the doors.

Don't worry, we won't be disturbed.

- Well, if you say so.

- Now, let's see what you can do.

Well done, well done.

I think we've had enough of this now.

Let's try the parallel bars.

- Okay.

Here now, this is position number one.

Number two.

Number three.

And four.

Your turn.

Now, get up into this position.

Now, swing your legs up.

Let's see.

Start leaning fon/vard.

Come on, I'll hold you.

That's it.

Let's see.

Okay.

Swing up.

Okay, come here.

Let me show you one more time, okay?

Now, when you get into the first position...

- There'sjust one thing, Mr. Bates.

- What's that?

- Well...

- Well, speak up, girl.

We've got to communicate freely

if we're going to work together.

- Well, how come I got to work out naked and you don't?

- Well, because a man is built differently.

He needs support.

- That sounds like a chauvinistic remark to me.

Mr. Bates!

- Oh, no, Ms. Peabody.

- I didn't realize that they were so big.

- You mean you've never seen a man naked before?

- Only my brother when I was younger.

My, they do grow when you get older, don't they?

- Yeah, I guess they do.

- Well, now I'm all warmed up. What else can we do?

- Well, I think we've done enough for one evening.

- Oh, what a pity.

Just as I was starting to feel good.

- Say, we should finish up with a darn good massage.

- "After the workout, I felt so relaxed I fell asleep.

When I awoke, Mr. Bates was gone.

Next day, I mentioned Mr. Bates' marvelous training methods

to our gym mistress, Ms. Stern, who was very impressed.

Since then, Mr. Bates seemed to have lost interest in me

and spends most of his time working up new routines

with Ms. Stern.

My problem is, how can I make the collegiate team

without a coach?

Signed, aspiring gymnast."

I think she means perspiring.

If that's a fantasy,

she sure put some thought into it.

Off you go, bright eyes.

- I'm not sure where to start.

See, it's not as easy as you think.

- Well.

She's obviously without a coach now

that this Ms. Stern's moved in.

Maybe she should work out by herself.

- Careful, what would our dirty-minded little readers

read into that?

- I suppose Colette's classic advice

would run to pushups in the asparagus patch.

- Right on!

See, that's it.

Throw in a mention of the horizontal bars and you've got it.

- Oh, charming.

I'm not sure I'm cut out for this job.

Where's that bottle?

I'll come back to that one.

I'll try another one.

"Dear Colette, I have a boyfriend

who is just mad about the drive-in.

Maybe I'm not normal,

but all that cuddly kid stuff has just never turned me on.

On this particular night, I'd asked

two friends to join us."

"Safety in numbers, mother used to say."

- No!

- Come on, Carol.

- I said no.

Bob, I came to watch the movie.

- We can do that too.

- No.

Ted and Alice, what will they think?

- Oh, they won't even notice.

- Don't look.

- Why is it that every time we come to the drive-in

all you want to do is watch the movie?

I mean, you've seen this thing before. Twice!

- I like this movie.

- You like every movie.

There's a time and a place for everything.

- And this isn't the time?

- Or the place.

With all these people around, it just isn't right.

- Obviously they're doing the same thing.

- Well, then I really don't see

why they bother to come to the drive-in.

- Hey, what's that for?

- I want some popcorn.

Get in there.

- Look, if you're real nice

I'll give you a Coca-Cola afterwards.

- Wait a minute.

Help!

- I'll be gentle.

There's a tube of vaseline around some place.

Help!

- My, what have we here?

- You've got a lotta nerve!

_ " When it was all over,

I tried to find my boyfriend's car,

but he'd gone, and I had to walk home.

I haven't heard from him since,

and I wonder if I owe him an explanation.

I haven't heard from the guy in the camper, either.

Please help. Signed, waylaid."

Poor girl, to be set upon like that!

I do hope she wasn't injured.

- Injured?

The reason she hasn't seen him since is probably

because he hasn't recovered.

There ought to be a law against it.

- There is, in case you'd forgotten.

You really are an old cynic.

I hope this job doesn't make me like that.

- Maybe you're right.

- Well, what do we tell her?

- Okay, uh...

"Dear waylaid, it depends on which types of show you prefer.

Now, your experience could have easily

turned into a late night horror movie.

Don't accept lifts from strangers, even in a drive-in.

However, if your luck changes,

you might crack it for a double feature."

- You really can't be serious, can you?

- Oh, come on.

She enjoyed every minute of it.

You can tell by the way she writes it.

- It's because of that sort of attitude.

- Look, I didn't ask her to write.

If she's really worried, she could have

called the police or something.

- Men.

- Look, love, if you let this job get to you,

you'll go around a twist in no time.

Let's get on with it.

- "Dear Colette,

I work with a large finance company downtown.

They call me a junior executive,

but really my duties are more that of a filing clerk.

All day I'm surrounded by lovely girls,

typists and receptionists,

but none of them have ever taken the slightest bit

of notice of me.

Afew weeks back, it was a Friday.

I was riding the elevator up with my last load

of files for the day."

- Four, please.

- Looks like we're stuck.

I've never been stuck like this before. Anyone else?

What can we do?

- Just wait, I guess.

- This would have to happen on a Friday night

when I've got a date.

- Yeah, me too.

- I could try the buttons.

Sorry.

No, no!

- Remember New York City and the big power failure?

- Nine months later, the birth rate went up like crazy.

- They thought it was the end of the world.

- Now, can you imagine how that must've been?

- Yeah, you just have to.

- Have to what?

- You know.

- If you thought you were doomed to die.

- Oh?

Oh!

- But he's such a child.

-All the more fun.

But isn't that rape?

- We'll plead temporary insanity.

- With you, it's more like permanent nymphomania.

- Are you jealous?

Come on, let's do it.

I'll grab his pants, you get out of your clothes.

- Next time the lights go out.

Oh!

Wait, what?

- Whoa.

- Uh, going down! Again.

- "Now, my problem is, how do I explain it

to the rest of the office?

I can hardly show my face.

What's more, I can't even get into a lift alone.

They wait in the corridor for me

so that they can leap on board.

Signed, junior executive."

Well, what do you think?

- Oh no, you have a go, you've got to start somewhere.

- Uh, hmm.

"How do I explain it to the rest of the office?"

Why bother?

"I can hardly show my face."

Who wants to look at your face?

"Why not bribe the elevator technician

to show you how to make it get stuck like that again?

Until then, always take a cushion with you as well as files.

The elevator floor must be murder on your back."

- Bravo, bravo!

Almost vintage Colette.

- Some of these descriptions are a bit lurid.

We cannot print them as they are.

- Leave that to the sub-editors, they're the experts.

Just enough to fire up the imaginations of the faithful.

- Two hours to deadline. More coffee?

- Oh, no.

I'm okay with writer's ruin here.

You go ahead.

- Drinking booze always makes me a bit funny.

Especially in the middle of the night.

- I'll do one on my own while you're away.

Just for old time's sake.

"Dear Colette,

I've been friends with Leslie for nearly a year now

since we met at ballet class."

"She's so much fun to be with and so much less demanding

than a man.

The things we do together take me right back

to those wonderful days at boarding school.

And one afternoon,

a little while back when we were out riding,

it was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky..."

- Champagne? - Oh, please.

- You ride like a perfect angel.

- Oh, you've taught me everything I know.

- Nah, I just taught you the basics.

I didn't teach you perfect balance.

Nor that fine seat.

Nothing like a good ride to let you

know you're alive.

We sure have a great time together, don't we?

- Yeah.

- Tell me, do you date a lot of men?

- Mm, not too many.

- Why not? You're so beautiful.

You must get lots of offers.

- Mm, there's a few around.

Men are so male, so dominant.

All they want to do is get you into bed.

So, what about you and men?

- I feel the same way you do.

Tell me, Bianca, do you really like being with me?

- Yeah.

- I mean, being with me.

- Yeah.

- You see, I think of you and me

as a lot more than just having fun.

In fact, if you were to go away or get tired of me,

I don't know what I'd do.

- I'm not gonna leave.

- But you're so pretty and you're so much younger than I am.

- You're beautiful.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.

You're not ready yet.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, nothing.

- It's starting to rain, we're gonna get soaked.

And so are the horses.

- Forget about the horses, they're used to it.

- It's like the skyjust opened up on the whole ranch.

- Have some. - Okay.

- You're gonna get a cold.

Come on, help me with my boots.

- Oh.

Oh.

- You better take your shirt off

or you're gonna get a cold.

It's freezing.

Ooh!

Ooh!

- What beautiful breasts you have.

- Oh, I much more like yours.

They're so small and firm. Beautiful.

- Oh, but yours are...

- They're like watermelons.

My boobs are a drag.

Come on, let me help, off with your boots.

- Oh.

- Ah, they're tight.

Ah, help me.

- Ooh!

- Oh!

- You'll have to take those pants off.

They're all wet.

- Better get some straw.

Let them dag-burnt horses out

before it starts raining again.

Damnedest thing I ever saw.

Two fine mounts just left standing out in the rain.

Nobody claim 'em.

Least I can do is take care of 'em and feed 'em.

- "Whew boy, did that hurt.

But luckily it wasn't serious."

The worst thing was explaining to the farmer

just what we were doing there,

'stark naked' as he put it.

The problem is, now that I have three scars

across my behind,

can you recommend a good plastic surgeon?

Signed, punctured."

Whew, sure must have cut down on her riding.

Hmm.

"Oh, any good plastic surgeon should be able

to get to the bottom of it."

"In the meantime, has any reader got a foam saddle?"

- Interesting?

- No, just some tame, girly stuff.

Your turn.

- "Dear Colette, I'm fresh out of business school,

and last week was my first at a real office.

I was a little nervous for a start, being a new girl,

but little did I know just how quickly I'd

get into the swing of things."

- Oh, Ms. Carter.

Mr. Clark would like to speak with you.

Mr. Clark?

- Mr. Clark? - Oh.

- Ms. Carter's here.

- Oh, Ms. Carter! I'm glad you came up.

I wanted to invite you to a party at my house tonight.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.

- I've already made plans... - But you must come!

We've got everything ready.

- Yes.

Ms. Carter, I won't take no for an answer.

- I'll come.

Good.

All right, then. For now, I guess it's just back to work,

and we'll see you later.

- Okay.

Well, do you think Ms. Carter's gonna show up

at our little party?

- Well, I sure hope so.

It wouldn't be a party without the guest of honor, would it?

- I don't think so.

- Little does she know.

Oh, here she is.

- Oh, Ms. Carter!

Well, I'm so happy you could come to our party.

Why don't you just have a seat right here.

- Thank you. - Hello.

- Hi.

- And would you like some champagne?

- Yes, please.

- How about some champagne, Mr. Davis?

You remember Mr. Davis here, from the office.

And of course you remember Tony, our office boy.

- Hi.

- Well now, did you enjoy your first week

at the office, Ms. Carter?

Ms. Carter! I said, did you enjoy your first week

at the office?

Yes, I did.

The people seemed very friendly.

Oh, we're a very friendly group here, Ms. Carter.

- What did you say your typing speed was?

Sixty-nine words per minute.

- Sixty-nine! - Sixty-nine!

I wonder if you'll be able to type 69

under special conditions?

- Now then, Ms. Carter,

are you ready to begin our special typing test?

- All set.

- Okay.

Now, Ms. Christie here is going to dictate

- while you type, okay? - Are you ready?

- Okay. - Go!

- I, Ms. Carter, do hereby swear,

state, decree,

and promise to do everything

I am instructed to do.

Today, tonight, tomorrow.

Oh, she's making so many mistakes.

And for ever more.

Henceforth.

And in the future.

- Stop!

- Wonderful!

You passed the test with flying colors, my dear.

- Ms. Christie, if you'll continue on with the tests,

I think that I'll go change into something just a little bit

more fashionable before the others arrive.

- Oh, all right.

Excuse me.

- Mr. Davis? - Hmm?

- Mr. Davis, come here, let me talk to you.

Oh dear, here, wipe your mouth.

Now, I think we should devise another test for Ms. Carter.

- Can I take you away from all this?

- I'd like to, but I don't want to lose my job.

- Ms. Carter?

Ms. Carter, come here.

We're going to prepare you for your serving test, love.

Step up.

That's right, perfect.

Now, just relax. It's okay.

You have too many clothes on, it's too hot for all those.

Isn't that better already?

Get the back, I'll get this.

Just relax, put your hands here, there that's good.

Put your hands behind here.

Get the other one.

I get to do this.

Right.

- No!

No!

- What? - What?

- Wait a minute.

- We shouldn't have done this.

We shouldn't have done this to you.

- Thank you for rescuing me.

- Not the best position, but I guess it'll do.

- That's a lot like one of my friends...

- Hello, everybody!

Well, Mr. Clark!

- Aren't we cute?

- Do you like it?

- I've never seen that one before.

- I picked it out myself.

I got it from George's of Hollywood.

- Oh, love it! - Oh, George's, yeah.

- Well, hello there, Mr. Davis.

- Oh, Mr. Clark.

- Mm, that was nice. - My, that looks pretty.

- What do you have under there?

- Not as pretty as yours.

- Well.

- Where's Ms. Carter?

- She flunked the serving test, but she's passing others.

- Yes, I see she got to 69.

She did.

- Well, as long as she got to 69,

why don't we see what we can get to?

- Pardon me, Julie. - Of course.

- Oh.

- Mm.

Those are so much better looking than my own.

- Well, I've had them a lot longer

than you've had yours.

- Hm, there we go.

Let me help you with this one.

I just love to take off bottoms.

- Ooh.

- Allow me.

- Top or bottom, let me have the top.

- Okay.

- That's nice.

Oh.

- Oh, we have habano.

- Oh!

What is this?

- It's a cucumber. I'm a vegetarian.

- Well, now you can begin to eat meat.

- Yes.

-Awhip!

- You needed a new one.

- I did, didn't I? - Yes, I know that.

- Well, that's a nice one.

And what have you got?

Ah-ha.

- Ooh hoo, yes, yes.

- Hmm, well.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do with that.

-I do.

(Man groaning and panting

- "And then Mr. Clark..."

Maybe I shouldn't go on.

Surely that's too hot to print.

Don't worry, you get worse than that.

I can't believe that this really happened.

- Most of them don't.

They just make it up to see if they can get it printed.

Tell you what:

Put that one aside. If we don't get anything better,

we'll clean it up later.

- Okay.

Some people sure have interesting lives.

You do the next one, I need to take a pee.

- Don't fall asleep again.

"Dear Colette,

my friends and I were at the pool a while back,

making the most of the late Autumn sun."

- Do you fancy him?

- No, do you?

- No, but I'd do him.

I bet he's got a sword on him like a horse.

- Oh, Jo, you're so crude.

- Probably need a microscope to find it.

- No, you can see from his shorts that he's built.

- He's probably just got old socks

stuffed down there to fool us.

That's an awfully funny shape for socks.

- I wonder why he's so cold, so unapproachable.

- Yeah, he just sits there, like he's made of stone.

- Do you know anyone who's been with him?

- Well, my sister has a friend who has a sister

who has a friend who said she dated him once.

And she said...

- Ah, you can't believe that.

Maybe he's queer.

- Could be.

You know, they appear tough and masculine.

The big macho bit.

- No, he couldn't be queer, could he?

I mean, surely it would show.

- Might be a closet queen.

- Well, whatever he is,

we might as well be the three ugly ducklings

for all the notice he takes of us.

- There must be a way.

Why don't you pretend to get sunstroke?

- Ha, funny.

All he'd do is call an ambulance.

- Hey, that's it!

That's what?

- I just had an idea.

- Well, come on!

- Why don't one of us get out there and pretend to drown?

He'll have to come out then, and once he's there...

- Great, go to it.

- Hey, I wasn't volunteering, I only said one of us.

How about Samantha?

- I can't swim.

- Well, that's even better.

It'll be all the more realistic when you start to drown.

- Funny.

- Why don't we draw lots?

The long straw gets the job.

- Okay.

- Well, okay.

But I'm serious about not being able to swim.

- Looks like you've got the job.

- Look, even if you can't trick him into anything,

at least try and grab a handful.

I've just got to know.

- Charming. Well, what do I do?

- Wave your arms around, yell "help!"

He'll be in like a shot.

- Well, what about when he gets to me?

- Just let nature take its course.

- You sure this is right?

Of course it's right! Get in there, kid!

- Help, help, help, help!

Ah! Help, help, help!

- "Now I'm worried in case the lifeguard

blows the whistle on us and tells the pool authorities.

If we're not allowed into the pool,

I'll just never learn how to swim.

Yours, sinking fast."

Let's see...

"Why bother to learn how to swim?

Seems to me you're going to have much more

fun the other way.

Otherwise, join the divers' union.

Signed, Colette."

Hey, that's not bad.

Well, that's better.

How did you go?

- Okay.

Was one about learning how to swim. The hard way.

Tell me another one, Harry.

- Here we go.

"Dear Colette, I'm writing to you about an experience I

had some time ago.

I was just 16 at the time, but very naive for my age.

It was after the annual family get together.

I was alone downstairs, doing my homework,

when I got to wondering where mommy

and uncle Fred had got to."

- Virginia!

- And just what do you think you're doing there, Virginia?

Well?

- Um.

I... i'm wondering where you were.

- I see, I see.

I think it's about time your mother

had a little frank talk with you.

- Really, Fred, this is hardly the time or the place.

- Come now, Frances.

You owe your stepdaughter an explanation.

When I married your daddy four years ago,

you were already grown up.

Did your real mother ever explain to you certain things

about men and women?

- Well, daddy left mommy when I was still young,

and he took me with him.

- Yes, yes, I forgot.

Well, would you like to ask me any questions about...

- Why uncle Fred's here?

- Partly that.

What I mean is... what we were doing here.

- Oh, you mean the screwing.

I know all about that.

- Oh?

- But what I don't understand was

what uncle Ben was doing standing by the bed.

- Oh dear.

Well.

- That, my clear, is just another part of lovemaking.

We must use our bodies in all sorts of ways.

We must treat our bodies like the finely-tuned

instruments they are.

We must not be ashamed of anything

our bodies find pleasure in.

No, no, my dear, let's not be selfish.

How about Frances?

- Frances?

- You see, you better stop calling her mommy

because she's not your real mother.

Why don't you treat her like a real friend?

And now, my clear, why I was standing by the bed before

was so that Frances could kiss my...

- Your... your...?

Precisely.

- "Now that I'm older,

I find I'm hopeless in bed unless I have fluffy watching.

Some of my dates are beginning to wonder.

How can I make mommy and uncle Fred give him back?

"Signed, restless."

- She should have stuck with happy families.

The family that plays together, stays together.

I guess she just has to leave home.

- I don't think

uncle Fred would go for that.

- And we can suggest she stops playing with her fluffy.

My heart bleeds.

That'll do.

"Dear Colette,

I don't quite know how you define a virgin

when you're referring to a guy. All guys masturbate."

Can we get away with that, Harry?

- Yes, sounds like a medical term.

They're always good value.

- Oh, where was I?

"Masturbate... but until the other day, I hadn't

scored properly with a girl.

Carol and I had taken a ride to the country,

and we'd found a spot to neck a little."

- Now, sterling,

we're not going to start that again, are we?

- Carol, there's no one around here.

No one's gonna come.

- That's for sure.

Look, we've been going steady now for three years.

Don't you think that we should get into something more?

- Sterling, you know I swore on mother's death bed

that I would remain a virgin until the day I married.

- Jesus, Carol, if my nuts get any tighter

I'll be able to use them as golf balls.

And they hurt.

- I can't help that.

- Come on, Carol.

It's not like you're going to get pregnant.

You're even on the pill.

- Mommy told me to take them in case I ever got raped.

- Rape?

Raped?

I should be so lucky.

- Now, sterling, get a hold of yourself.

- That's the whole goddamn problem.

I spend too much time holding myself.

You don't think I understand.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

You're not the only one, you know.

- It's perfectly all right with me

if you take other girls out.

- That's not what I mean.

I was saving myself for you, big deal.

- You don't mean?

- Yeah, I'm a goddamn virgin, too.

- Saving yourself, huh?

Poor baby, let momma help.

Bust all over me!

Oh, what a shame to waste such a beautiful thing.

- "Since then, I can't get it off unless I'm in the car,

laying Carol across the back seats,

just like in the country.

And she needs a fast drive to get her going.

The neighbors have got together a petition

to run us off the block.

They say the noise of the wheelies is keeping them awake.

What's more, they say I have to put up a fence

so they can't see what we do in the driveway.

Help, backseat driver."

Let's see.

"Dear backseat driver,

forget the car, take the seats into the house,

and get some old, oily rags so it smells the same.

Better still, keep doing what you're doing,

but have someone sell the neighbors tickets to watch.

Signed, Colette."

What a load of rubbish.

Well, I told you, didn't I?

- Now, I never tried that before.

Must be awfully hard on your back.

How are we going for numbers?

- Oh, nine so far if you count that gang bang number we

said we'd leave till later.

- Okay, lucky last.

Let's hope it's a juicy one.

- No, no, you read it.

- "Dear Colette,

I was always brought up a strict catholic, and I've always

tried to live by the strict teachings of the church.

But lustful thoughts about boys I know

seem to occupy my mind.

Until recently, I'd never let a boy even touch me,

but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

One day I thought I just had to

visit the church to confess."

- Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

Yes, my child?

- I have sinned, father.

Yes, my child.

- I've harbored secret lusts.

Go on, my child.

- Well, I am a virgin, father,

as the teachings of the church

would have me remain until I'm married.

Absolutely, my child.

- But, I have lusted after a man.

Who is this man, my child?

- Oh, don't make me tell you that.

You must for your sins to be fully forgiven.

- Well, it's Joe.

Joe, the church janitor.

- It is perfectly natural for a healthy, young woman

to feel like that.

That's not all, father.

- Go on.

Well, I've committed a sin of the flesh.

- But you are a virgin, my child.

- Oh, yes.

Well, I've committed the sin of self abuse.

When was this, my child?

- At night.

Last night?

- Every night.

- Every night?

Every night?

- Yes, father.

I lay in bed and I think of Joe and...

I just can't help myself.

I just can't resist and...

Oh, father, I'm so wicked.

| just...

I'm beyond forgiving.

- Of course you are not, my child.

Touching oneself is not such an evil thing.

That's not all, father.

- What else, then?

- Well, I don't just touch myself.

Well, sometimes I use...

Yes, yes.

- Well, sometimes I use these rubber...

- Device?

- Yes, father.

Oh, how I've sinned, how wicked I am!

Father?

- You will be forgiven.

Go to the sacristy and await me there.

Kneeling, and with your face hidden.

-And I will be forgiven?

- Yes, my child.

- Thank you, father.

- Now, we will kneel together and pray.

- Yes, father.

- You must relive this sinful experience.

- Yes, father.

- You must abase yourself in the eyes of the lord

and appear truly repentant.

- I will.

-And keep your face hidden.

- Yes.

- Now, remove your undergarment.

Now,

recount your sin.

- Well.

I lie in bed at night and I think of Joe,

and I think of him being hard.

And I think of his smell.

And I think of his maleness.

And I think of his foxiness,

and I just can't help myself.

Oh, that church janitor.

- Go on.

You must speak freely in the hearing of the lord.

Well...

I think of his cock

and I think of it...

Oh father!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I didn't think it was like this.

-All right, my child.

- Oh, oh!

One.

Oh, you go on.

Oh!

Oh, it's much better with a man!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, father, father!

Oh, oh!

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Joe! Oh!

Oh my.

Oh!

Oh!

Forgive me!

Oh, oh, oh!

Give it to me!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh!

- "Altogether, it was an uplifting and spiritual experience.

I've never known such joy.

My problem is, how do I know who is going to be

in the confessional next time?

Signed, true believer."

"Dear, true believer.

Does it matter?"

How was that, Harry?

Short and sweet, eh?

Harry?

"The new girl in the office."

Now where were we?

- Freeze!

Freeze!

What a great tightness.