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Mummy's diary, episode 27...No, 28.

15th April, at...11:42.

Well, I'm on the plane, coming to Greece.

I remember holding you in my arms, the day you were born,

and now you're getting married.

No, I'm not going to cry,

the way I always do when I film myself.

OK, then...

Next episode: landing!

I love you.

What a sweet thing to do.

It's a surprise for her.

I started when she said she was getting married.

A lovely present.

There's a big fat cheque too.

One's daughter doesn't get married every day.

As a rule, marriage is a stupid mistake.

But at 22, to some Greek...

Well, it's her life to throw away!

I married young, I'm very happy...

Nikos!

Something's wrong Madam?

Yes, what is this?

This is Feta.

No, it's not. It's cow, not sheep.

Shall I bring you...

No, thanks, I'm fine.

No, don't eat that! It's disgusting.

Where are we?

Hang on, let me check.

Three, two, one...

Welcome to Germany! We've just crossed the border.

That thing's amazing.

You can follow where you're going as if you were flying it.

That's weird. We've just changed course.

Delays, here we come!

Ever thought about flying for real?

Of course.

But it'd mean taking lessons with beginners.

And I'm no beginner.

Anyway, my daughter's wedding has cost me a fortune.

My princess.

Congratulations.

And with this simulator

you can go wherever you like, whenever you like. Look...

I'd love to go to Japan.

Charles de Gaulle terminal 2A,

take-off for...

Tokyo, 5 years ago, with C閏ile. A great trip, great shopping.

Saint-Barth',

Saint-Trop'...

Saint-F閘icien.

We visited a killer cheese factory.

Every year we discover a new part of France. Its cuisine...

C閏ile in the Renault 5 I started my driving school with.

I have a Clio now.

Meg鑦e. We go to my chalet every February.

I broke my leg that year.

C閏ile when she was born.

And her father?

- He's dead. - I'm sorry.

They say the good die young. Not this time!

My baby when she was born.

She's cute.

Her mother looks a bit burnt.

I had a witchdoctor put a hex on her.

But she only broke her leg.

A bit of a result, anyway.

Careful!

Sorry.

I didn't know you were here.

You're allowed to fly with new boobs?

I got special permission.

You've got a good seat.

Right next to the shitter!

Ha ha! Now can you leave me alone?

Nice! A present from your wife?

Splashing out at the supermarket, eh?

What is it? Corsica?

No, it's half a heart.

And she has the other half?

How sweet!

Where is er...?

Sylvie. She'll come later. She didn't want to see your ugly mug.

Oh, Uncle Roger! Still not dead?

Alain! I know it's you!

Alain!

Shit!

Open this door!

Nikos!

This is your captain speaking.

Due to a serious meteorological problem,

we shall have to land in Munich.

Told you, didn't I? Saw it on the computer.

A spectacular phenomenon has occurred

as an Icelandic volcano breathing a cloud of ashes

is blocking the air traffic

throughout all of northern Europe.

TH E VOLCANO

Darling, there are no flights.

We've been stuck here for hours.

Excuse me.

Switch the TV on. You have TV in Greece, don't you?

What can I do?

Make a human chain with buckets, all the way to Iceland?

No, I'm not being cynical, but there are no flights.

No, I'm just saying it might be a sign.

A wedding without guests or a dress may not be a wedding.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What about your dad?

Behind his stupid looks, he's a sad old man.

He'll be on his way back to Paris.

Yes yes I know I know no more car

but please you have to help me, give me a car.

Sorry. No cars...

Come on, the bus is leaving.

Sir, Sir, do you have a daughter?

Yes, Why ?

I marry my daughter, my little daughter.

I am a father. Father like you.

Look. Look.

Toudoudou...Tou...dou...dou...dou...

No. Please Sir

Give me a car! Give me a car!!!

Sorry. No more cars. Sorry...

Come on, Alain!

Cry, Uncle Roger! Cry!

Please...

Ok Guys, please stop! Stop. Stop. Stop this now!

A car, A little car, a little car!

OK, here, this is our last car, OK?

Normally, I've to keep it for special guests.

So please, don't tell anybody.

How much is it?

Four Thousand euros, sir.

What?!

Where are you going?

The bastard!

Yes, sweetheart.

Don't worry, I've found a car.

Yes, and I have your dress.

Your mum?

She's on the bus back to Paris.

Well, you can't count on her.

But Daddy's here, eh?

Your friends are here, with Uncle Roger.

Yes, we picked them up.

Hi.

Wicked car!

For 4,000 it should be!

You don't need to thank me, sweetheart.

Someone on the other line?

Your mother? No, don't answer...

Shit! Let's go, quick!

In the car, quick!

Get in the car, quick!

What are you talking about, a bus? No, I'm with him.

He's right here.

Yes, we have the dress. Everything.

- Say hello. - Hello.

I'll call you when we're on our way. See you.

Oh, so you wanna play?

I'll make you bleed!

Hey, what are you doing?

I've been caught in the crossfire between you two before.

I have a few years left, so...

Bye.

No, Uncle, those days are over.

Drive carefully.

Ignition.

Code.

Seat adjustment.

Hands at ten to two.

Interior mirror.

Exterior mirrors.

Tiptronic automatic gearbox.

Indicators.

Headlights, dipped, full beam. Windscreen wipers:

speed 1, speed 2, speed 3.

GPS,

Greece, Corfu.

A change from your Clio, eh?

Buckle up in the back, please.

You, don't bother!

2,132 kilometres.

Here we go.

No smoking.

We're really pleased to meet you.

C閏ile must have told you lots about me.

No, she's never mentioned you.

- What a surprise! - Or you.

How long have you been married?

- We're divorced. - Always have been!

I'm sorry.

Would you be sorry about having a tumour removed?

What do you expect C閏ile to say about you?

Don't start!

"Dad lives in a crappy flat in a crappy suburb with my stepmother...

"He dresses like a loser,

"and in the evening watches TV like the loser he is."

"Mum has a whale of a time!

"She has lots of money and lots of boyfriends,

"but no family and no friends.

"She's all alone."

"Dad's such a laugh!

"The funniest thing about him

"is his driving school with only one car.

"Two cars would be too much work.

"Because Dad is a lazy slob!"

"When a sick pet is brought to Mum's clinic,

"Mum shags the customer because Mum's a slut!"

Take that back!

What, you didn't do that?

- We were separated! - Not divorced!

I'll lose you your deposit!

Put that down.

Put it down...Put it down!

This is ridiculous.

- Take it back! - It's OK.

Just keep out of it.

- Take it back! - Don't open that!

Take it back!

No, don't go.

Reunions are always a bit tricky.

- I know why she never mentions you. - You're sick!

Come back, please. Don't leave me alone with her.

Mummy's diary, episode 29.

Still 15th April, at 4:11 p.m.

I'm in one of those fabulous German motorway caf閟,

where they sell sausage by the metre.

And as your father is a fat bumpkin,

he took two and half metres!

There aren't any flights. What can I say?

I have to go. She's my daughter after all.

Just thinking of this wedding without you or the kids

makes me want to cry.

Val閞ie? No, I don't know where she is.

Go for a wee now.

We're not stopping again.

Be happy

"it'll be a boy" And now here you are

C閏ile

My daughter

Here you are, and here am I

I am thirty

And you're six months old

Nose to nose

Looking into each other's eyes

Which of the two of us is the most amazed?

That was brilliant!

Oh, God!

I only hope he does that in front of everyone,

with his voice cracking and sobbing... Thank you, God!

Pathetic!

I'm sorry.

But put yourself in my place. That song still winds me up.

It was 22 years ago.

Maybe.

But we decided on Elodie,

then you named her C閏ile

because on the way to register the name you heard that song.

I have a right to be pissed off.

And obviously it was her name that made you dump us both!

How dare you? We were too young, that's all.

Admit what you did.

You forced me to leave.

The crap you talk!

Not again. We've already discussed this 700,000 times.

But I'll tell you something.

If you sing that at the wedding, I'll be...

moved.

Moved? You?

Look.

Just for this journey, can we bury the hatchet?

- It's on me. - No, I'll get it.

No, leave it.

No, I insist.

What's wrong?

Why won't it start?

Shit!

You need the code.

You need a code to start fancy rental cars.

What?

Look at the screen there, with the figures.

There.

Now open the door and move over...bitch.

It's for thieves and half-wits like you.

Oh, OK! Can we go now?

Oh, let me help you.

I got it. No it's OK.

Help you. No. No no no.

I'm not sleeping here.

I'm not sleeping here.

Take the car, then.

The code is 2512.

No, it's 42...No, 0812.

4455...

My fingers remember it, not my brain.

Oh, no!

You love all this, eh?

Yeah, it's nice and traditional. I'll take the bottom.

I bagsy it!

I said it first, you can't.

I have!

We're going to have a problem.

Yes, we are.

OK, the chinny game!

I'm not a kid.

We always used it to settle things.

OK, but you never made me laugh.

Hold the chin of the other chap

The first to laugh gets a slap!

And the upper bunk!

A riddle for you.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

A fsh.

Mask of seriousness.

Mask of iron.

Mascarpone.

I am Chinese wise man.

"Hello.

"My name is Val閞ie.

"How handsome you are.

"And I am so ugly."

I didn't laugh!

No, you win. I'll take the top bunk.

I don't believe it!

What happened?

You must have had a nightmare.

Why not go with Helmut, then?

Your half-and-half face must make a change from the routine.

Well, you should know all about "routine".

Missionary position once a month,

then straight off to sleep.

At least I have someone at home waiting for me.

You couldn't cheat on your cleaning lady if you wanted to.

One, she's a domestic engineer.

And two, I don't want to cheat on her because I love her.

But if I did want to, I'd have no problem, OK?

At my school I get the come-on from chicks like you every day.

I can pull whoever I like. End of discussion.

Whoever I like!

The girl over there.

Get her phone number and I'll make my own way.

And the dress?

You take it.

That's a crap idea.

I knew it.

No, I'll do it.

It's still crap, though.

And if by some chance you don't manage it...

No, the car's in my name.

Then you travel in the boot.

Me, in the boot?

OK.

You'd better phone C閏ile to tell her you'll be late.

Yeah, go on.

Hi, hello. I am, I am Alan.

What's the dickhead doing?

I'll get your stuff out of the boot.

Can I see that?

Give me that. Give it here!

Starting with 06? French?

She has double nationality.

She's half from here, half French.

06-6722-2576

Someone's calling you. I think it's me.

You couldn't even make a number up.

It was the first to spring to mind.

You're not really going to make me go in the boot?

You really don't want the bags on the back seats?

- No, they'd scuff the leather. - As you wish.

Mummy's diary, episode 30.

I'm eating up the miles on the way to Corfu.

Who's that? Dad?

What were you doing in the boot?

Scared someone'll steal your bag?

Switch that off.

And keep your eyes on the road!

Go on, get out of my way!

Hey, keep a safe distance!

One chevron = danger.

You're a shit driver.

I had a shit teacher.

Don't pick up, stay focused.

No, Val閞ie!

Hello, Martine?

No, I haven't checked my e-mail.

I'm stuck with my ex-husband. It's hell.

Watch out!

Look!

Can't you see?

No! My phone!

Here's your phone.

Val閞ie!

Val閞ie!

We tried but it didn't work. Make your own way.

You're sick, Alain.

You're really sick!

You need help!

Hey, watch it! Don't start that again!

Stop it! Stop hitting me!

- The handbrake! - What handbrake?

Watch out, Alain!

Alain!

Alain!

Alain, wait.

- Leave me alone. - Stop sulking.

Yes, I'm blowing it out of proportion!

Because you forgot the handbrake

I've lost my license, so I'm unemployed.

A driving instructor sort of needs a driving license.

OK, I'm sorry. Happy now?

There's no need to apologise.

I'm delighted that I now owe the rental company 25 grand.

It might bother me that my clothes were destroyed.

My laptop too!

But no, I'm just being fussy.

If you need money...

All I want is to get to my daughter's wedding on time.

No, actually, there's one thing you could do for me...

Die!

Here.

No, I'm good.

Take it.

There's a bus in one hour.

We'll catch that and not speak until we're there.

It's a deal.

At least you still have your mobile.

- What? - Come on!

- What? - "What?"

Hurry, it's leaving!

There was a queue. Here's your ticket.

Haven't you loaded your bags? I'll give you a hand.

Put the big one below.

Sorry, this bus is to Athens.

Yes, yes I know, yes.

Your ticket is for Amsterdam.

For Amsterdam.

Wrong bus, then!

Funny! Give me the right ticket.

That's it.

Sorry miss, I have to go...

Please, please, wait for me two minutes,

please I have to... to exchange my ticket. Just two minutes.

You'll pay for this!

I come back

Two minutes

Thank you.

Please, go go go go now.

Go She's crazy, I don't know her!

Go, go!

- I'll kill you! - The next one's in 5 days.

Bastard!

No, I'm not. I'm giving you your things back.

Your lipstick, to look nice in Amsterdam.

Your mobile.

My cards and passport!

Bastard!

I'll kiss C閏ile for you.

Bastard!

Bastard!

This bit...

goes here...

and this bit, here...

Come on...

Yes, C閏ile...

No!

No, don't cut out. Don't cut out on me.

Don't cut out on me!

Where are you going?

Greece.

Are you Fran鏰ise?

Yes!

Well, hop in.

- Val閞ie. - Ezekiel.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, who?

Thank you...Ezekiel?

Thank you, Jesus, Christ the Lord!

Welcome, my daughter. Here you are at peace.

JESUS SAVES

The bastard dumped me in the Austrian countryside.

My child, no bad language in the house of God.

We know only love.

This volcano will show C閏ile what her father's really like.

Yes.

"Lord God Almighty, true and righteous are thy judgements.

"The fourth angel poured out his vial

"and power was given to him to scorch men.

"Men were scorched with great heat,

"and blasphemed the name of God.

"And they repented not to give him glory."

Saint John's Apocalypse.

This volcano heralds the end of the world.

I hadn't looked at it that way.

Watching the TV coverage of those satanic flames,

I understood it was a sign.

- So I got my Ark on the road. - Ark?

It took me 5 years to make it.

- You're a mechanic. - Not originally.

I got my qualifications in prison.

Were you inside for long?

- Two years? - Twenty.

Then, one night, he came to me. With his 12 apostles.

It was a bit crowded in my cell,

but he cleansed my soul

of those awful images

of bloodied women begging me to finish them off.

And he gave me a mission:

to build an Ark

and drive the stray sheep to Jerusalem.

Maybe I'll get out here.

Central locking.

Evil cannot enter.

And if it does...

I'm ready!

Hey my friend...

my friend, come on, come on,

H?drink, drink drink drink drink...

No, no, no, no, no

Oh sorry... It's an accident. Sorry, sorry...

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry...

Back, moove, back!

Open the door.

Are you crazy?

Open or I'll fucking shoot!

C閏ile

My daughter...

Where are you going?

I don't know how to thank you, Ezekiel.

Alain,

"I am the good shepherd. I lay down my life for my sheep."

What's all this?

Go ahead.

Here?

Holy water.

The other.

The host.

Well, Pringles.

And finally,

the confessional.

Amazing!

If you have a weakness for sodomy, you can confess now.

No, not at all.

- Not even a little? - No.

Not ever?

No.

I'm joking, Alain!

It's my mobile abbey.

An abbey with ABS!

Not bad.

What's that?

It's for my daughter's wedding.

Her mother's wedding dress.

And where's her mother?

I got rid of her.

Meaning?

Chopped her up?

In little pieces?

And the head? Did you sink it?

Yes, you sank it!

No, I was being figurative.

Mr Ezekiel.

Do you mind if I lie down a bit?

No, of course not. Go in the nave.

Thanks.

Alone I was and lost

No direction had I, nor worth

'Twas a life in tatters, but then he came

Jesus!

You!

Jesus, Jesus...

Alone I was and dying...

Let me go!

I'll kill you!

Who?

Joseph!

Don't move.

What are you doing?

You'll shut up when I've cut your head off.

Jesus?

I knew it!

Satan, Beelzebub, here!

Calm down.

Don't you move!

Everything's OK. Just a little lovers' tiff.

Lovers? You two love each other?

- Tell her you love her. - No.

Tell her!

Val閞ie, I love you.

That's nice.

Better than that!

Lovingly!

Val閞ie...

Val閞ie, I love you.

I've always loved you.

I've never loved anyone but you.

I love you.

Beautiful.

Now, Mummy, tell Daddy you love him.

You abandoned us and hurt us.

Do it now!

Don't talk to your mother like that.

Do you hear me? Put that toy down right now.

Do it!

And tidy your room. It's a pigsty.

Yes, Mummy.

Hurry, for God's sake.

Blasphemy!

God, no!

Come on!

Come on!

- Come on! - Wait!

Wait!

I'll fix you up.

I've found a hotel.

Stand up straight.

Hello!

Hello...

Is he OK?

Oh Yes, yes. He he drunk a lot at the wedding.

Just married?

Yes, yes, Look I just have my...my dress on me.

Please, is it possible to have a room. Honeymoon.

Really?

Yes.

I will need a credit card.

Credit card.

My credit cards.

I don't have them. I left everything on the bus.

I'm sorry... we... we don't have credit card.

No card, no room.

Oh Please, Oh please, I will call my bank tomorrow.

Wait...

And the watch.

What? You're not serious.

I could buy a dozen shitty hotels with this!

- What is it? - He wants my watch.

Give it to him.

No watch, no room.

Take this. This is pure gold.

No, no, my chain...

The key of the room.

Five-Zero-Six.

Fifth floor.

One last effort, we're almost there.

The elevator is broken!

I'm done for.

Oh, what a wuss! It's only a little dart.

I should have let him shoot you.

You want my thanks? Thank you, Alain, you're a hero!

You're being mean.

These stairs never end.

We're in the corridor.

Shit!

We're nearly there.

Wait...

I'm slipping away.

It's the end.

The pain's too much.

You're a vet, put me down.

Just leave me.

OK, then. Bye.

No.

Val...What are you doing?

Mummy's diary, episode...

Who gives a toss!

We're getting closer. Slowly.

Right now we're...

somewhere in Slovenia.

I hope we make it. One step at a time.

This is becoming a habit.

Wait, wait!

Are you sure about this?

No, I'm not.

You're a pain.

It's not very deep.

This'll hurt, right?

"This'll hurt..." What a cry-baby!

Move.

- Cry-baby? - What are you doing?

Sorry.

Sorry, I...l don't know what...

Call quick Flights have started again

Martine, it's me. Yes, fine.

In my desk, in the second drawer,

there's the clinic's credit card.

Yes.

Book a flight from Ljubljana to Athens.

Immediately.

Yes, one person.

Yes, Martine. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Where... where...where is the young man with the long hair?

Ye.. ye...yes but he is not here now. He is sleeping.

Bugger "sleeping"! He's got my chain.

My chain.

But I don't know.

Wait... wait a second...

It's working?

Oh thank you.

The planes are flying again.

Oh, you've seen.

Val閞ie?

Shit!

I'm gonna kill her, I'm gonna kill her...

What are you doing?

I thought you'd gone. They're flying again.

My mobile. Why did you...?

- What? - Come on.

Where?

You called France?

Quiet!

That costs extra!

What are you doing?

- Now! - Now what?

Hurry!

Hurry what?

What are you doing? Val閞ie?

Do you realise what we're doing? Do you?

I'm the one who stole it.

If we're arrested, just say I took you hostage.

You can say I shot you too. No risk to you, as usual.

Where are we going?

The airport.

Your plane for Athens is in 45 minutes.

What about you? Aren't you coming?

Of course I am. Give me my passport, the one you left on the bus!

I'll let you know.

Don't bother. Here.

Give it to C閏ile for me.

- What about you? - I'll manage.

About last night...

Hurry or you'll miss your plane.

Sorry! I... I'm French. Fran鏰ise.

You work here?

Ah oui... No, no, no no I'm travelling.

Who was that car?

Ah the car... yes.

Miss, is this your car?

Miss, you have the papers or not?

Yes, yes relax.

Listen to me my friend.

It's funny but it's...it's not my car,

but we can discuss?

Look at this watch, this is a very very expensive watch

if...if you want you can take it and I go?

Next please... Sir...

I'm French!

Do you understand?

Shut your mouth! Come on get inside

- What...? - I'm saving your life!

By stealing a police car?

Well, you said I never take any risks!

Shit!

What do we do?

Don't you have a plan?

- This was my plan. - What a moron!

Could you just once say thanks?

Thanks for stealing a police car

to go 50 metres in!

Now where?

There!

- Come on! - In your dreams!

I can do this.

No way!

It's an MS Rallye 893A. I've done 120 hours in this.

OK, you can take risks, I believe you!

I've flown over the Grand Canyon,

over the snow-covered tundra...

Alain!

I've landed on the Great Wall of China!

On your computer in your hovel in your crappy suburb!

Master switch, alternator...

Go on!

They're shooting!

Where's the runway?

Shit!

- It's OK. - Take off!

- Another 300 metres. - We'll never make it!

Faster, faster!

It's not like on my computer!

Take off now and get us away from this shit-hole!

Oh, shit!

- Which way is Greece? - How would I know?

Right or left?

Left.

Right, then.

Pilot, do you know where we are?

"Captain", not "pilot".

Geographically speaking, we're above Croatia,

at an altitude of 12,000 feet.

At this cruising speed we should reach the Greek coast in 3 hours.

We'll fly over Serbia, then Montenegro, then Albania...

You're so boring.

What are you doing?

Three hours to go. I'm getting some sleep.

What?

Sleep. It means you trust me.

Oh, no!

I don't believe it!

You damn thing!

Are we there?

No.

Is there a problem?

Can't you hear? We're out of fuel.

And you've just realised?

What do we do now?

On my computer I crash and take off again.

Land this plane now!

Where? Look!

Come on!

What are you doing?

I want to talk to C閏ile one last time.

I'll get us down.

Sweetheart...

Mum, are you OK?

Yes, I'm with your father.

- Hi, baby. - Have you arrived?

Not exactly.

We just wanted to say we love you.

Yes, we love you very much.

And we're happy you're getting married.

But we won't be able to make it.

OK, no worries.

I thought just this once we'd be together. But no!

You can keep your "love". Bye!

See!

- What? - I told you I could do it.

Oh, yeah, right!

Yeah!

What C閏ile said just didn't sound like her.

It was her, though.

What do you know? You know nothing about her.

Don't start.

What does she have for brekky?

- What? - Hot chocolate, three spoons.

Two, no taste. Four, too sweet.

Her French teacher at school?

Oh, stop it!

Mrs Potter. She couldn't stand her.

Her Facebook password?

You know that?

You know her Facebook password?

C閟oul89. But she's changed it since.

Her favourite character in Friends?

Chandler

No, Phoebe!

The first boy to make her cry?

Hang on, hang on...

The first boy to make her cry?

Wait!

Gr間oire Billot.

- You didn't know. - I did.

No, you didn't.

I did!

You didn't!

OK, I get it. I was a bad mother.

No, just absent. Which is worse.

And I regret it every day. But I don't lie to myself.

Sometimes a daughter doesn't need her dad,

she doesn't want to discuss Gr間oire Thingy dumping her,

she wants to cry alone in her room,

she doesn't want your advice, your support, your lectures...

You suffocated her. You suffocate everyone.

That's why we leave you.

OK?

You get it now?

Beautiful, though, isn't it?

We're in the middle of nowhere, we'll never make it.

Five minutes rest.

C閏ile

My daughter

Here you are

And here am I, I am thirty

And you...

Shit! I am thirty, and you...

"You're six months old"! Shit, it's easy enough!

I'm going.

Wait! OK, I'm sorry.

Just wait a couple of minutes.

Two minutes, then we go.

- Weird Romanian! - We're in Albania.

Same thing.

She's cute, though.

For five euros she'll suck you off in the barn.

We have no barn.

She speaks French.

You speak French?

Yes, a little.

She understood.

You lost?

We're going to Corfu.

Tomorrow,

my daddy get you close.

Thanks, that's fantastic.

Fantastic. Can't we go now?

No, is not possible.

Tonight is festival.

What are you celebrating?

Is spring festival.

The animals, trees, flowers...

Why the eagle?

Eagle is symbol of Albania.

- Like cock for you. - An eagle's classier.

Eagle is very important to us.

He protect us.

Sacred animal.

So you French,

Yes, yes

Ah ah ah... la vie en rose.

I... I Os...l Osman.

What you name?

My name is Screwyou.

Sukroo...?

Screw you.

Tenmerde ? lt's a nice name... nice

Oh very nice, yes.

Am I interrupting?

- Funny! - I can leave you two alone.

Stay!

He's cute.

To C閏ile's wedding!

And all our wasted years.

That'll take a lot more drink!

What is that?

You don't want to know.

How did we end up like this?

There was the volcano,

then you trashed the car...

No, seriously.

How did we end up hating each other with such venom?

I don't know.

Other couples just ignore each other.

Maybe we can't just ignore each other.

This is our first holiday together.

To our honeymoon, then!

I'd forgotten how you squeak like a strangled owl

when making love.

So had I.

Tradition.

No, I'd rather not.

No, thanks.

Oh, shit!

Val閞ie, do something.

It's dead.

Thanks. Sorry about the...

And here we are, in Greece!

Right on time for your wedding.

Isn't that wonderful?

Are we...Are we arrived?

Why won't he talk to me?

I wanted to tell you...

Sometimes we say things we don't mean.

I know you're a good father.

It hurt at the time,

but C閏ile was right to choose to live with you rather than me.

Thanks.

Is that all?

What?

I bare my soul

and all you say is "thanks"?

Thank you very much.

What a moron!

I take it all back. I didn't mean a word of it.

Too late now.

Excuse me. I'm really, really sorry for... for the eagle.

Not funny.

What are you doing with her?

That's not the problem.

You lied to me.

Yes, I lied.

You can give me a bollocking

when I get there.

But for now can you ask them to wait? We're in Corfu.

The cops think we're illegal immigrants.

- But we'll soon sort it out. - What?

I'll do what I can.

How much longer will she ruin our lives?

I love you.

I love you too.

OK?

Yeah, great.

We have checked. You are French.

Can you take these off?

And get a car for us?

This way.

That's you, isn't it?

It looks like us, but...

No, it's not us.

Car crash in Austria...

Theft of a van and a plane...

Evading arrest...

And killing of a protected species in Albania.

All that in three days.

Congratulations!

All we want is to go to our daughter's wedding.

That will be tricky.

Go on, cry!

Nice dog. Jack Russell crossed with terrier?

Thank you.

But he's been vomiting?

Sorry?

This isn't the moment.

Ask him.

He won't eat, drink, go walkies? He's losing weight?

Yes.

Tell him I'm a vet. His dog has Addison's disease.

Adrenal insufficiency.

He could die.

Can you save him?

It'll be tricky.

Thank you.

Go on.

- What's wrong? - I'll explain later.

I'm glad you're still alive.

No, it was fine.

Really fine.

You can't stay in those clothes.

I'll get changed after.

A hard time getting here?

Your mother and I are made of stern stuff.

What?

"Your mother and I." I'm not used to it.

Nor me.

In fact, I've never told you this but...

your mother and I

were very much in love when we had you.

It was brief but intense.

So don't be like us. Make the most of life.

Your Stavros seems like a nice guy.

What?

No, nothing.

I'll be here if you get divorced.

Dad!

- What? - It's my wedding!

Well, yes, you hardly know him. ls there a marriage contract?

Dad, stop it!

Yes, sorry, you're right. You make a lovely couple.

And it'll last a lifetime.

A lifetime.

They're so sweet.

I want to apologise for everything I've done to you.

The night-time phone calls,

the insults,

the court cases...

The punctured tyres at the driving school.

Have you finished?

Yeah.

Piss off, then.

That's not very nice.

Scram.

Bitch!

I nearly forgot.

I slept with your fella again. Sorry.

You like it?

You look magnificent.

It's not the dress, but you look even more beautiful.

Thanks.

I'm so happy for you.

Really?

Yes, really.

You don't mind that I'm 20, getting married on an impulse?

No.

He is Greek, after all.

It's OK!

Before I forget...

This is your present.

I started it when you told me the news.

Watch it at your leisure.

There's a big fat cheque as well.

Excuse me.

Sweetheart,

this song is for you.

She wanted a child

But I wasn't so keen

Yet she made it so easy

With her powers of persuasion

To make me a father

C閏ile

My daughter

When her tummy swelled

She burst out laughing

And said, "Be happy

"It'll be a boy..."

And now here you are, C閏ile

My daughter...

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Here you are, and here am I

I am thirty, and you're six months old

Nose to nose, looking into each other's eyes

Which of the two of us is the most amazed?

Long before I had you

I'd had my share of girls

Tossing the coin of my heart

A brunette won here

A blonde lost there

C閏ile

My daughter

May you always be loved as I'm loving you now

My breath on your lashes

My kiss on your mouth

In your innocent sleep

C閏ile

My daughter.

Val.

- Our friends are waiting. - Oh, yes.

The police?

Just a couple of things to sort out.

- We had to hurry... - What the hell is this?

We may have to stay in Greece for a while.

- You can't be serious. - I am.

I'd better go.

Val閞ie!

See you.

Val閞ie!

What did you tell Sylvie?

What do you mean?

Did you tell her about our night in Slovenia?

No.

- Yes, you did. - No way!

Did you?

- No, I didn't. - Are you sure?

- What do you take me for? - For what you are!

Did you tell her we slept together?

You did!

Mummy's diary, episode 27...No, 28.

15th April, at...11:42.

Well, I'm on the plane, coming to Greece.

I remember holding you in my arms, the day you were born,

and now you're getting married.

No, I'm not going to cry...

The owl! The strangled owl!